Chapter Text
Two weeks later, Steve walks into their Compound apartment to crying again.
It’s not as late this time, just in time for dinner, and when he saw Rose after her afternoon nap she had been all smiles, so he’s taken aback by the greeting.
The scene he finds in the living room surprises him even more.
Rose is on the floor with some toys, clearly the reason why she’s crying since being put down is the greatest torture that exists, on what Bruce calls “development time” but Steve and Natasha call “torture time.”
That part doesn’t surprise him. It’s a daily occurrence they endure for ten minutes while hoping it’s actually helping her develop.
What surprises him is that Rose isn’t the only one sitting on the floor crying.
Natasha is sitting in front of her, holding a little Captain America plush someone gave them, most likely Tony, even if he would never admit it. She isn’t really paying attention to what she’s doing, just moving it absentmindedly as tears stream down her face.
She doesn’t even seem to notice Steve is there.
Steve has known Natasha for six years now. They’ve been together for half of that and partners for all of it. They’ve been on the run together twice, faced aliens twice, and dealt with more things than he can even begin to list.
He has only seen her cry twice.
Both times in Wakanda. Once when she found out she hadn’t actually ended the Red Room, that Yelena and so many other girls had kept suffering because of it. And once after Thanos had wiped out half of all living beings, including their friends and her family.
Even when she had called him, completely panicked, about finding a baby alone in a house and not knowing how to feed her, her tears had already dried by the time he got there.
So this makes his chest tighten in a way he doesn’t like.
Logically, he knows what this is. Grief. Exhaustion. Everything crashing down at once.
Yelena, Melina, Sam, Wanda, Fury, Maria, Laura, Cooper, Lila and Nate. All gone.
Clint is still alive but refusing every attempt she’s made to reach him, running and hiding even from her.
And on top of that, a baby who lost everything and only accepts her, who refuses to be put down, who needs her constantly.
She’s exhausted. She’s grieving. She’s blaming herself.
Steve still feels that sharp spike of panic anyway, the instinct that something worse has happened to her or to Rose, before his brain catches up and registers that Rose is fine. Just unhappy.
He crouches down, picking Rose up and bringing her close to his chest.
“You’re okay,” he murmurs, slipping the pacifier into her mouth and pressing a kiss to her temple. “You’re okay.”
He keeps rocking her, but his eyes stay on Natasha.
She looks up at him then. She doesn’t try to hide the tears or the way her chin trembles, but she does try to steady her breathing.
“What’s wrong?”
Natasha just shakes her head. Her face crumples as more tears spill over.
“I know,” Steve says softly, opening his free arm for her. “Come here.”
She moves without hesitation, shifting until she’s sitting between his legs, her face pressed into his chest. One hand stays on Rose, the other fisting into Steve’s shirt near his waist as she cries harder.
Steve doesn’t tell her that everything is okay. He doesn’t tell her that it will be okay.
Neither of those things are true. They survived, they’ll keep going, but none of this is okay.
So he doesn’t say anything. He just holds her, his own tears slipping down as he presses his cheek to her hair, one arm around her, the other steady on Rose.
They stay like that for a while, just holding onto each other and letting it hurt.
Until Rose decides she’s had enough and starts trying to throw herself toward Natasha’s lap, complaining loudly.
It’s enough to bring them back.
“Do you think she remembers them?” Natasha asks quietly as Rose presses her face into her arm like a little koala.
“She remembers something,” Steve says, wiping his face. “Maybe not them exactly, but she remembers being alone. She remembers that her mom meant comfort, even if she doesn’t remember her the same way.”
“That’s not comforting,” Natasha says, kissing Rose’s cheek more for herself than for the baby.
“It’s not. It’s the truth.” He says “Not going to start lying to you now”
Natasha sighs, settling closer to him and pulling Rose fully into her arms.
“Bruce is going to Mexico,” she says after a moment. “Something about figuring things out with the Hulk.”
“That’s why you were crying?” Steve asks, gently.
“No.” She shakes her head, then hesitates. “Maybe. Not because he’s leaving. It just hit me that it’s going to be just us here.”
Steve stays quiet, letting her talk.
“Bruce is leaving, Thor left, Tony is having a baby, Rhodey is in D.C. Clint is gone and won't even pick up his phone” Her voice breaks before she forces it to continue “Sam is gone, Vision is dead, Wanda is gone too. There's no more Avengers, there's no team”
“I'm not sure the world needs the Avengers” He sighs, tiredly “They need someone to fix the damage that half of the population vanishing brought and we can't fix the chain of things or… we failed at what we could do”
“So because of that we simply give up?” Natasha asks seriously, her voice harder now “We lose one fight and we throw the towel?”
“No, I'm not saying that” Steve shakes his head “I'm just saying that maybe what the world needs is not us”
“So you're also leaving?” She sounds hurt now
“I'm not leaving” He looks down at her
“Prefer the word 'walking away’ then?” She spits out
“I'm not giving up or going anywhere” Steve turns her chin towards him so she's looking him in the eyes “I'm not leaving the team but especially I'm not leaving you. I'm here, we're in this together”
Natasha didn't really look reassured. It was not that she didn't believe him because she did, it was just that she had been used to flying solo, used to only being able to rely on herself and to not trust anyone.
She had allowed herself to trust Clint that one night in Budapest and somewhere in the 20 years they were partners, she started relying on him. She had allowed herself to become part of the Avengers, to be part of a team. She started trusting and relying, she started seeing them as family. She was better because of it.
But now she knows how foolish she was. The team didn't see themselves like a family, didn't see her as family. They were simply a team. They relied on each other on the field but not in life, they trusted their teammate to not kill them and maybe help them on the field. They had no problem walking away, they had no problem leaving.
They didn't look back and they didn't even call.
She seriously hasn't seen Thor since he left after killing Thanos. She only knows Tony is alive because she talks to Pepper on the regular. She's not even sure Clint is alive.
Clint saved her life so many years ago, he saw her behind the assassin, he gave her a life and a choice. He made her think she was part of his family, he brought her home and introduced him to his fianceé, he made sure she was there when his kids were born. He named a child after her, he got his kids calling her Auntie Nat. He got her to trust him, to want to be more than just Black Widow.
And he doesn't even pick up the phone when she calls.
He doesn't care if she's dead or alive. Doesn't care if she's missing Laura and the kids almost as much as he is. Doesn't care that she's grieving them too, that she has always cared more about them than herself. He doesn't care if she needs him. He doesn't care that she trusted him when she had never trusted anyone, that she trusted him more than she trusted herself.
Clint left. If he did, why wouldn't anyone else?
“Natasha, sweetheart” Steve says softly “I swear I'm not going anywhere. I'm here, with you”
He knows what's going through her mind. He knows she has problems allowing people in, trusting them. He knows that the Avengers were more than just a team to her. He knows she's hurting more than she shows, that this is bigger than just the team splitting up.
He knows all of that and he still shoved salt to her wound. Still made her feel like she wasn't the most important thing in the world to him.
“Don't start lying to me now, Steve” Natasha says sharply, her face in a blank mask.
“I'm not lying” Steve shakes his head “What I meant is that I'm lost on what the world needs, I don't think that's me anymore and I don't even know how to be anything other than Captain America, a soldier. I'm not giving up, I just think I’ll have to find out how to get a life”
He runs his thumb under her eye, collecting the tears she's trying to stop. She looks to the side, avoiding his gaze.
“There's no life for me without you, as Captain America or as Steve” That gets her to look at him again “I'm not going anywhere without you. I'll figure how to live my life without being a soldier but I'll never figure out a life without you”
“We can't walk away, Steve” Natasha says quietly “I can't walk away”
“I'm not asking you to, I'm not walking away either” He says, just as quietly “But we have more time now, we should get a life outside of work”
“We literally got a whole life outside of work” She looks down at Rose, who looks up as if she knows they're talking about her “That takes even more time than work”
“A very cute life” Steve smiles softly, running a hand through Rose's soft fuzz
“This isn't right, though” Natasha sighs, pulling Rose closer to her “She shouldn't be here”
“Nothing about this is right” He sighs too “Nothing in our lives has ever been right”
“We are right” Her voice is firm, certain, even if her face looks unsure. Not about them, never about them, but at the vulnerability of the situation.
Just 5 minutes ago she was afraid that he was leaving, leaving her and the team. A part of her still is afraid, the part of her that has grown attached to people despite being told her whole life that she shouldn't, the part of her that has gotten attached and left behind.
He may not be leaving now, feeling like he has a duty with the team, with her and Rose. He may feel like their relationship is convenient, or maybe he does like her, but that doesn't mean he thinks they're right for each other, that they're not the one thing right that happened in their lives.
Gosh, she sounds pathetic.
“We are absolutely right” Steve nods, looking her in the eyes “We are”
He leans in and kisses her. Trying to reassure her, trying to get her to understand that he's not going anywhere, that he loves her and has no doubt about her or their relationship.
She's feeling emotional tonight, she's hurting. Natasha doesn't allow others to see her vulnerable side and she's showing it to him so he knows this is bigger than just him or Bruce. There's no kisses or words that can erase her pain or the lifelong abandonment issues, but that doesn't mean he can't try.
“I'm really dropping the ball today, aren't I?” Steve says as he pulls back “I didn't mean us, we're absolutely right. I meant the hand life handed us, the things that have happened to us and chosen for us. Me and you together? That's a choice we made and that couldn't be more right”
He leans in for another kiss.
“I love you, Nat. So much that you would be disgusted” He says, resting his forehead against hers “You're the best thing that happened to me”
Natasha doesn't say anything, just studies his face for a sign that he's lying. She doesn't even get the chance of saying she loves him too or thinking about anything else because Rose lets out the loudest and most offended noise they have ever heard.
“I love you too, Bug” He laughs, pressing a kiss to her little head “The reason you're here isn't right, though”
They had actually forgotten she was here, too focused on whatever was going on between them.
“I love you too” Natasha says, pressing a kiss to Steve's lips before looking down at Rose “And before you scream, I love you too, Roo”
“That's when you say that you love us, Bug” Steve says, mock serious “Remember that we're the ones changing your stinky diaper and getting up in the middle of the night to make your bottles”
Rose only giggled like he had said the funniest thing she has ever heard. It's impossible to not smile when a baby is laughing, so they find themselves smiling despite the tear tracks on their face.
“We’ll figure things out, Nat” Steve promises “But we're going out for dinner first”
“With the baby?” Natasha looks up at him like he's crazy
“Yep” He pats her leg gently, motioning for her to stand “I'm not making you cook dinner tonight, and I'm not putting you through me cooking so I'm taking you to dinner”
They had never taken Rose out, not to a restaurant or to anywhere really. Steve and Natasha themselves hadn't really gone out to anything other than missions and meetings with the important people or the people helping them with their many initiatives. Going out for dinner didn't feel right after everything that happened, but at the same time, it has been over two years since Steve and Natasha sat across one another in a restaurant while chatting and flirting over a glass of wine.
“Okay” Natasha says, still not getting up “It could be an awful idea with a baby”
“So we don't go to that Michelin star restaurant downtown that you like, the one with the candlelight” Steve shrugs “Maybe she will be very well behaved, we won't know until we try”
“Pepper did pick the cutest dress for her” She says, thinking about the baby blue dress that was too dressed up to wear just around the Compound.
“What about your cute dress?” He smirks “Maybe a not so cute dress?”
“I'll be holding a baby the entire time, hoping I won't be spit on or have food dropped on me” She rolls her eyes “Lower your expectations, Rogers”
“Go get ready, Romanoff” Steve kissed her “I'll feed her while you do it”
Natasha doesn't go with her usual “date night” attire but she still dresses up nicer than she has in years.
She chooses a simple slip dress, elegant and too expensive, that she bought years ago on a mission trip to Milan and has only used with Steve. It's not too over the top, not something she would wear to a gala or even a party, but it feels too much after so many years wearing only jeans and jackets.
She puts on makeup and fixes her hair until it doesn't look like she has spent the whole day holding a baby. She's mindful of the baby when she chooses her jewelry, knowing that Rose has very grabby hands so anything dangly is dangerous. She finishes it all with low heels that match the dress, she figures that if she can fight on them, she can handle a baby in them.
She takes her time getting ready, letting Steve handle dinner and pretending not to hear Rose loudly objecting to the arrangement.
Luckily, tonight's baby dinner is sweet potato, which has been her favorite food so far, so she doesn't put up too much of a fight about being placed in the high chair and accepts Steve feeding it to her. She's even nice enough to not knock the plate from his hands, she only smears it all over herself and makes sure to get it on her hair.
That earns her a quick bath in the sink because the washcloth can't do the job of properly cleaning her. It feels like a punishment for Steve, who's barely getting over his fear of hurting her when he holds her and doesn't need the fear of drowning her or dropping her.
Thankfully, Natasha finds them just as he manages to get Rose undressed and he's testing the water to make sure it's not too hot.
“Are you giving her a bath?”
“Damn,” Steve says, looking Natasha up and down.
He has always been aware of how attractive Natasha is, doesn't matter what she's wearing or if she's covered in blood and dirt. It's something that he has been aware of since he met her on that Helicarrier and has been reminded every time he sees her. But sometimes, on moments like this, it still knocks off his breath.
It's a dress he has seen before, it's nothing seductive or that shows off her curves but it's enough to make him forget about the squirmy baby he's holding and how afraid he was to give her a bath. Natasha looks magnificent on it, like she should be on the cover of a fashion magazine.
“Steve, she's peeing on you” Natasha tries to hold her laugh, watching as Steve doesn't even react, too busy staring at her.
“Mhm” He nods, not even hearing what she said.
“Steve”
“Yeah?”
Rose lets out a loud scream, probably calling him a fool or simply complaining that she's naked in the middle of the apartment while he's busy staring at Natasha. It's loud and right by his ear so it works to pull his attention away.
“Are you giving her a bath before we go?” Natasha repeats, laughing at his reaction.
“Yeah, she has sweet potato in her hair” Steve forces his eyes down to Rose “I didn't even know she had hair”
“Do you know what you're doing?”
“No, my goals are just to not drown her and hopefully get her clean” He says
“She sits now so that's easier, just keep one hand on her to steady her and wash with the other” Natasha says encouragingly.
“Okay.” Steve nods, not looking particularly convinced. “You sure you trust me to do this?”
“Yes.” She doesn't hesitate.
Does she think he'll nail it? No. There will probably still be sweet potato in Rose's hair when he's done, but she trusts him not to let her drown. If Steve can disarm a bomb and jump out of a plane without a parachute, he can figure out how to wash a baby.
He doesn't seem reassured by her confidence, but he nods anyway before carefully lowering Rose toward the water.
Right before she touches the barely filled sink, he pauses.
“What if we order take out and put her to bed early?”His tone is entirely too suggestive, not bothering to hide what he actually means.
“She won't allow that”
Natasha would love nothing more than that. It's been way too long. But there's a reason they haven't been able to, and that isn't about to change just because they decided to call tonight date night.
“I already put on perfume” She smiles at him “Hurry up, you promised me dinner”
Steve survives his first time bathing a baby. He's sweating and his heart is hammering harder than it ever has in the field but Rose is alive, clean and unharmed so he takes that as a success.
His nervousness makes both Natasha and the wet, slippery baby laugh, a stark contrast to the scene that welcomed him home, so it's definitely a success for him.
Natasha dresses Rose and gets the diaper bag ready while Steve gets changed.
She looks adorable in her cute and way-too-expensive little dress with the matching bloomers. It's baby blue with florals that make her eyes even bluer, it's a soft cotton and very flowy so it looks very comfortable even if she falls asleep.
She laughs excitedly at the attention, kicking her legs with delight. She probably doesn't understand the compliments, but Steve and Natasha are looking at her, smiling and talking excitedly, and that's more than enough.
“I feel like I need to change” Steve looks down at himself, before looking back to them “I'm accompanied by the prettiest girls, I need to step up”
"You look good," Natasha says, giving him an appreciative once-over before turning back to Rose. "She just looks prettier."
“You both look prettier” He lowers down so he can press a kiss to both of their cheeks “I'll definitely want a picture of that”
She rolls her eyes but still adjusts Rose on her hip so he can get his picture. She pretends she doesn't notice him changing his lock screen before they even make it to the car.
Rose is not as excited when she's put into her carseat, crying the whole way there despite Natasha sitting in the back with her and keeping a comforting hand on her belly. As expected, any surface that isn't Natasha's arms are not acceptable and no amount of baby talk or songs can distract her, not even the pacifier or the little toy. Unfortunately for her, they care more about her safety than her screams so she stays strapped in.
She's fine by the time they walk in on the restaurant Steve picked for them. It's not the Michelin star but it's the nice Italian place that they used to go to before going on the run.
It's way too fancy for a baby, all low lights and white tablecloths, and definitely not the type of place that has a high chair. But no one was about to tell Captain America he wasn't welcome just because he was holding a baby, so they were escorted to a quiet booth with a smile.
“I'm not sure this is the best pick for going out with a baby” Natasha says as she settles in the booth with Rose on her lap “We've never gone out with her, we don't know how she will react”
“I figured this one would be good for her,” Steve says, glancing over the menu. “The lights are low, people talk quietly, and it never gets too crowded, so I thought it wouldn't be too stimulating.”
“That's actually clever” She says, looking around the restaurant and noticing that there's only three other tables occupied, not very close to them “Still too fancy for a baby but okay”
“The baby is wearing a dress that's definitely too expensive for a baby but we're pretending Pepper bought it at a department store. We can also pretend that a restaurant with a seven-course tasting menu is baby-friendly” He says simply “It's not crowded so it should be fine”
“The dress is french and organic cotton” Natasha laughs softly, looking at the wine menu “She definitely bought it at Carters”
“Uh-huh.” Steve smiles “Same clearance rack as your dress”
“This old thing?” she asks, feigning innocence. “It's Italian, actually.”
Steve lets his eyes travel over her for a second before meeting hers again.
“It looks good.”
“I know it looks good”
“Was I supposed to look at you like that and take you to a drive-thru?” He lifts a questioning eyebrow
“I'm just saying you're being too ambitious for the first time out with a baby” Natasha rolls her eyes jokingly
“Since when have I ever not been ambitious?”
“You're mostly known for being a little shit,” she says with a solemn nod, trying not to smile.
This feels like old times.
Before Thanos, before Rose. Before being on the run with Sam and Wanda. Back when things were simpler and they could sneak out regularly to go to restaurants and to other places alone.
It does help lift her spirits. Things are still… screwed, half of the population is still gone, Clint is still avoiding her and all of the Avengers are still leaving, but at least for the next hour or so they can pretend to be normal.
Rose makes the dynamic different. Natasha is holding a baby, being careful so little hands don't pull the tablecloth or grab a cutlery, and she's giving Rose her bottle when the entreé arrives. Steve had to make a bottle before the drinks had even arrived but she falls asleep soon after she's done, leaving them alone.
They don't go with the seven-course menu, but they still go with a four course menu. Natasha had teased Steve about being ambitious but she had ordered wine and the antipasti before Rose had even fallen asleep so she's just as bad as he is.
“We should do this more often” Steve says, while they wait for the main course
“Yeah” Natasha smiles “It's been way too many years since we've done this”
“Do you think that's what people say when they talk about the relationship settling in a routine?”
“Steve, one thing we don't have is a routine” She laughs softly “Our relationship doesn't need any more adventures”
“I guess that's true” He nods “But it's been so long since we've been able to do this, go out and be just us”
“It's hard to go out when you're a fugitive” Natasha takes a sip of wine “Or when you're dealing with the aftermath of half of the population disappearing. Or taking care of a baby”
“Well, we should do this more often now that we know the baby seems to love it” He smiles fondly at Rose.
The waiter brings their plates before Natasha can reply. Dry aged pork chop for him, Lamb Scottadito for her. He also refills their wine glasses.
“I didn't think this through” Natasha looks down at her plate, it looks amazing but it will be hard to eat one handed.
Steve immediately reaches over and starts cutting her food into bite sizes. He hadn't even touched his own food yet.
“There”
“Thank you” She can't help the look she throws at him.
She will blame it on the wine but it's not that. Restaurants like this are a popular spot for dates for a reason, the whole atmosphere makes things more intimate and there's something about sitting across from each other in the low light that makes everyone seem more attractive. Not that Steve needs help looking more attractive, but the dress shirt that hugs his shoulders and biceps certainly doesn't hurt.
This whole experience with Rose has unlocked a new side of their relationship and each other. Steve holding a baby is insanely attractive, but seeing him take care of them like it's second nature reminds her exactly why she fell in love with him.
He has always done so much for her, always taken care of her but not like this. He usually patches her up, watches her six on the field and remembers that she's more than just the Black Widow. Now he does things like this, cutting her lamb without her having to ask, making sure she can go to the gym, among many other little and big things he does for her. If anyone else had reached over her plate to cut her food or ever tried to feed her she would have cut their hands with the meat knife but because it's Steve she looks at him like she's picturing things that certainly doesn't involve a restaurant or a baby.
The wine definitely isn't helping. She's far from drunk, barely even feeling the warmth but she's feeling the heat. Maybe this wasn't the best idea, not with a baby who doesn't sleep alone.
“We should go away for your birthday” Natasha says, instead of everything running through her head “Find a cabin somewhere”
“I'm not in a mood to celebrate it this year” Steve replies like there's ever been a year where he's in a mood to celebrate.
“That's why we should go away” She tells him “It's the 4 of July, I'm not sure if it's worse if people are celebrating like nothing happened or if they don't celebrate”
“With the baby?”
“You're the one that always says she needs some fresh air” Natasha shrugs carefully to not wake up Rose “She'll cry the whole car ride but she'll be back to her clingy self in no time”
“Okay”
He reaches over the table for her hand, pressing a kiss on it. He smiles fondly at her as he runs his thumb over her knuckles.
“I’m sorry for before” Steve tells her
“It’s not your fault”
“I made things worse”
“I jumped to conclusions” Natasha shakes her head “You may have expressed yourself badly but I reacted before you could even explain. And you weren’t wrong”
Steve looks ready to deny it, say that he was completely wrong and apologize again but she interrupts before he can.
“We do need to figure out what we are beyond this job, you’re not wrong about that. We’ve been fighting our whole lives” She sighs “And maybe we’re not who the world needs right now. Unfortunately we’re the only ones it has”
“But throwing the towel, knowing there’s no one to pick it up…” He trails off, unsure of how to continue “I don’t blame the others, but that's not us”
“It’s not” She agrees
“I still think it wasn’t the right moment to talk about my identity crisis” Steve says “Again, I have never doubted us or imagined a future without you on it. I can retire Captain America, I can retire from the Avengers but I can never retire from you”
“We’ll get a life-” Natasha nods
“Together” He interrupts, making sure she understands.
“We’ll get a life together” She corrects “We’ll start that by going away for the weekend on your birthday”
“That’s a plan” Steve smiles at her, getting up so he can sit beside her on the booth.
He pulls her for a kiss. It’s awkward because they’re sideways and she’s holding a sleeping baby they don’t want to risk waking up.
“I love you” Steve says against her lips, forehead still touching hers
“You’ve said this already” Natasha rolls her eyes but she doesn't pull away
“And I’m saying it again”
“Oh so you’re cheesy today?”
“I’m starting to rethink everything that I said” He shakes his head, a mock resigned frown
“Too late, you’ve already embarrassed yourself by saying that you love me and wants a life with me forever” She smiles cheekily
“Yeah, I don’t retract that” Steve says serious
“I know” She pecks his lips “I love you too, even if you’re embarrassing”
“And want a life with me?” He asks, wanting her to confess it more than doubting it
“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t, would I?”
“You would for the lamb”
“And the wine “ She nods, face serious despite the spark in her eyes “Maybe if you get us the Tiramisu?”
“So all I have to do for you to never get sick of me is to buy you good wine, lamb and tiramisu?
“Also change some diapers”
“You have to negotiate that with Rose” Steve laughs “Maybe negotiate with her for a sitter, I’ll even settle for her sleeping alone for 2 hours”
“You’re ridiculous” Natasha laughs, rolling her eyes fondly at him.
“Yeah, but you want to spend a whole life with me”
“Yes, I do”