Chapter Text
The week Carina had stayed in Grey Sloan had its ups and downs, leading to her hospitalization being extended by another week.
It just about wrecked Maya in the most devastating way. All sorts of questions swirling around her mind but only one really stood out.
Why is she getting worse?
It was now day five, Carina was slipping in and out of reality while delirious with fever. Maya remained firm as her wife’s caregiver, keeping the medication regimen compliance in place while suspending other outpatient treatments until further notice. The psychiatrist agreed to do check-ins with Carina three times a week while in hospital.
Her arrhythmia remained stable though the fever did nothing to alleviate the fears of both Teddy and Maya.
Teddy because she was worried that something as simple as a cold would make Carina even more ill. A worsened arrhythmia that was on the verge of needing surgical intervention.
Maya more so for the fact Carina would likely have a relapse with her mental health. In that moment the blonde felt as if she were a horrible caregiver.
Carina’s anemia caused by malnutrition had basically set off a chain reaction in her body on top of being at an unhealthy weight. Heart arrhythmia. Flu. Possible surgical intervention.
Another dark unspoken consequence of schizophrenia that goes ignored most often by family members and doctors.
Maya handled it all with grace. And in those five days, Lucia had proven to be a formidable force. Making sure that Maya took care of herself, giving her reprieves when she became overwhelmed.
“Carina had a rough session with Doctor Friedman,” Lucia kept her voice low, pulling the blanket over Carina who was out like a light. “Grab something to eat, go be with your station.”
Maya looked hesitantly to her mother in law, studying Lucia with caution. She relented, knowing Lucia meant well.
“Are you sure?”
“I have been here once before, mia carissima Maya,” Lucia took the blonde’s hands into hers, both women smiling sadly at the memory. “Carina’s first psychotic break. For so long I carried this immense heartbreak at seeing both my children fighting. I did not know why until Gabriella called me.”
“The apartment in a complete disaster,” Maya recalled, Lucia nodded.
“Andrea’s anger made sense after Carina got diagnosed. It took weeks for the three of us to heal and truly understand the monster she was fighting against.”
Maya glanced at her sleeping wife, studying the rise and fall of her chest. Something about the way Carina lay in bed bothered her. Almost as if she were uncomfortable but also very guarded.
It made the blonde second guess leaving for a couple hours. But one look from Lucia was all that Maya needed.
“Call me if anything changes?”
Lucia cupped Maya’s cheeks gently, turning her head ever so slightly until both locked eyes. “Carina is in good hands, Maya. Go be with your team for a couple hours. It’s okay to take time for yourself while being Carina’s caregiver.”
Maya relented.
Walking through those glass doors of Station 19 felt different. Having taken a sudden leave of absence after Carina was admitted five days ago. Maya had appointed Andy as acting captain until she felt that Carina was more stable.
But it looked like Maya would be on leave longer than she initially had thought.
Taking the stairs two by two, Maya found everyone gathered in the beanery appearing as if they had just gotten back from a call.
Vic was the first to notice Maya, taking into account the blonde’s appearance. More relaxed, bags underneath her eyes less puffy.
Travis was next. He immediately stood up, pulling out a chair and motioning for the fire captain to sit.
“Sit. We got you.”
Maya felt her body relax as she sunk into the chair, gratefully accepting the cup of coffee Jack had set down in front of her.
“Thank you,” taking a long drink of the coffee, Maya noticed Andy was nowhere in sight. “Where’s Andy? I was hoping to catch her.”
“In a closed meeting with Sullivan,” Jack rolled his eyes at that part. “Probie nearly got him and Hughes killed in a structure fire two days ago.”
Maya heard about it from a few nurses in the emergency department after leaving one morning. Connors, said probie for Nineteen, was lucky that Vic came out of that fire with nothing more than a couple of cuts and some bruises. Sullivan? He ended up with a broken wrist.
“I will be pissed off if Connors isn’t gone by the end of the week,” Vic grumbled in irritation. “We could all place bets.”
Beckett chose that moment to stroll in from the gym, towel slung over his shoulder.
“Forty says Connors is gone tomorrow,” he pulled out two twenty dollar bills, placing them in the center of the table. “Another hundred if he’s sacked by midnight.”
Something casual about this felt normal to Maya. Watching her team speaking freely. Vic, Travis, Jack, even Theo and a couple of other A shift firefighters took part in the bet, placing their own contribution to the pot.
The group noticed Andy had returned after some time but not Sullivan.
“Still speaking with Ross and Sullivan,” Andy held a hand up before anyone had a chance to ask questions. “We won’t know anything for at least another hour. But it’s not looking good for Connors.”
“How he joined the academy is a mystery beyond me,” Theo shrugged, popping a strawberry into his mouth.
Andy silently pulled Maya into the den, away from prying ears.
“How are you doing? Like really doing?”
Maya felt her body collapse into the recliner, sighing deeply.
“Doctor Altman is worried that Carina may be at high risk for myocarditis,” Maya closed her eyes, sensing confusion from Andy. “Long story short, Carina had a psychotic break after being in Seattle for eight months. Amelia found Carina stabbing herself repeatedly with a scalpel. Has a mechanical heart valve, is on medication. Well, hasn’t been taking her heart meds in over a month.”
“Jesus, I am so sorry, Maya,” she sat close enough to Maya, gently squeezing her knee in support. “If there is anything me or the team can do, we are here for you. And Carina.”
Maya carefully opened her eyes, noticing the tears glistening in Andy’s eyes.
“Lucia is with Carina right now,” Maya tried not to sound anxious, grateful for all the support she had gotten. “She has a fever and other symptoms of the flu, hence the concern for further complications.”
“Let me guess, Lucia told you to be a human and remember to do something for yourself?” Andy chuckled lightly.
Maya nodded, a faint smile forming. “She did. As much as I wanted to stay and not leave Carina’s side, Lucia was right. Even caregivers to a loved one with mental illness, we all deserve a break.”
Andy couldn’t have been more proud of Maya. Coming from a place where mental health was a figment of the human imagination and love had to be earned, Maya survived the hell she grew up with, survived Lane’s abuse, and came out much stronger.
“You’ve come so far, Maya,” Andy complimented like a proud mama bear. “From surviving that hell you went through with Lane, to your own mental health struggles, you have changed a lot.”
Maya blushed a deep shade of red. “Y— you have no idea how much that means, Andy.”
“That’s what family is,” Andy let the tears fall silently, completely unbothered. “Nineteen will always have your back and Carina. No matter what.”
For a while there was a blissful stretch of silence. No fire that needed putting out, no vehicle accidents, just pure peace and harmony. Andy and Maya simply sat in each other’s presence, neither saying anything.
It wasn’t until there was a soft knock on the wall beside the door that pulled Maya back to the present.
“Diane?”
“And that is my cue to give you two some privacy,” Andy rose from where she sat, making her exit to rejoin the others. “I’ll take you back to Grey Sloan later.”
Then it was just Maya and Diane.
“You must be getting annoyed by everyone asking how you’re holding up,” that got a small nod from Maya.
“I don’t mind it, really,” Maya shrugged. “It’s just been a long six months. Now it feels like an endless pit where I’m reliving the worst moment in life.”
Maya had come so far after she nearly destroyed herself, refusing to go to therapy, and denying any abuse growing up from her father and little brother. It nearly cost Maya her marriage and career.
And now the tables have flipped.
She hated that it came to this in the most twisted way.
“How are you doing?” the question cut through Maya’s fog. Maya just stared at Diane in bewilderment, almost as if a simple question felt foreign.
Maya stayed silent for a moment, hands opening and closing in her lap. All emotions attacking her from every angle.
“Tired and scared,” Maya admitted after five minutes of silence, her body sagging heavily in the recliner. “Tired because it’s been a long six months of Carina deteriorating mentally and me always scared she would hurt herself, scared because of what schizophrenia has done to her health already. Scared because I was granted guardianship of Carina and I’m afraid I’ll fuck everything up.”
“Take a breath,” Diane held a hand up, recognizing the signs of a panic attack in Maya. “Good. Center your breathing and focus.”
Maya inhaled a deep breath, eyes closed as she paused, then exhaled. Her vision steadied the more her heart fell into a relaxed rhythm.
“What you are feeling is completely valid for someone in your situation,” Diane explained, smiling as Maya relaxed more. “You are facing something unique and complex. It’s understandable that you put Carina first, and that is commendable.”
“But why do I feel like an awful person for taking time to myself?”
Diane saw it then flash in Maya’s eyes. The guilt, anger, and selfishness.
“You don’t have to feel selfish or guilty for taking some self care, Maya,” she rested a hand on Maya’s bouncing knee with a smile, getting her to settle once more. “For six months you have been carrying so much. Carina’s decline, the highs and lows of schizophrenia, going to court and being granted guardianship. It’s a lot. This feeling won’t last forever but even caregivers to a loved one need breaks from time to time.”
Maya smiled softly, feeling lighter than she ever had been in the last six months. Maybe Diane was right that the blonde needn’t feel selfish or like a horrible person for taking some time for self care, to visit her friends, or simply going for coffee and a run.
“I still feel guilty for today,” Maya admitted, voice barely above a whisper but audible enough for Diane to hear. “Carina’s mother Lucia told me it would be okay to take time for myself. To breathe, to be human. Is it normal to feel like a crappy human being for practicing self care?”
“It’s perfectly normal to feel the way you do,” Diane explained. “With time that feeling will go away. It’s okay to do something for yourself. It’s okay to be selfish in situations like this. You are human, Maya.”
“T— thank you,” Maya felt better after this long but impromptu therapy session with Diane.
Diane was about to say something when Maya’s phone rang sharp and loud. The blonde took one look and immediately turned a deathly shade of white, appearing like she was going to pass out.
“What happened?”
Maya shakily turned the phone screen so Diane could see.
Gabriella: You need to come back. Carina crashed. Teddy clocked early stages of myocarditis on top of a heart murmur. She needs you here to discuss surgical options.
“Go.”
That was all Maya needed to hear. She bolted out of the den, Andy the first to notice Maya rushing out in a hurry. She quickly took off after Maya, finally catching up to her in the parking lot, keys in hand.
“Let’s go.”
Even though Grey Sloan was close by, the short drive felt like an eternity to Maya. Gabriella had just texted her that Carina coded and now needed surgical intervention to treat a dual heart arrhythmia and murmur. How the murmur came about had Maya confused.
Had it been dormant until now?
Had the murmur decided to stay hidden?
Maya jumped out of the car before Andy had a chance of parking, ignoring her shouts and calls to slow down. The blonde avoided the elevators, climbing the stairs by three until she reached intensive care.
She found Andrew leaning against a wall outside Carina’s room, frowning upon noting his red rimmed eyes.
Andrew had been crying.
“Oh god,” were the first words out of Maya’s mouth, feeling her heart pounding against her chest. “What happened?”
“Teddy is waiting for you but it’s urgent,” Andrew wasn’t sure he had any more tears in him, voice a bit hoarse from crying. “Carina coded for two minutes. She either has surgery by tonight pending what you say or a few days.”
Maya pushed through the doors, stopping in her tracks. Carina was a lot paler than before Maya had left, now placed on high flow oxygen with a nasal cannula in place.
“Carina’s heart arrhythmia and murmur have gone past medication intervention,” Teddy spoke matter of factly, already knowing where this was going. “I know it’s only been a week since getting her back on medication and I was hoping it would help the arrhythmia but it’s proven not to be. Our best bet for both to heal is by putting in a pacemaker.”
“P— pacemaker?”
“It’s a fairly painless procedure that I can have Carina in and out of an operating room in two hours,” Teddy went on to explain the procedure, including the different types.
Maya listened intently, knowing her answer right away before speaking it aloud.
“If you think it will help, do it,” Maya resumed her spot in the uncomfortable chair by Carina’s bedside. “She really isn’t having the best of luck with her heart.”
“But it will help Carina in the long run, and I will be there in the OR with her.” Gabriella offered a bit of comfort, gently resting a hand on the blonde’s shoulder. Maya just smiled.
With the approval from Maya, Carina was quickly prepped for the procedure and taken to an available operating room by Teddy and Gabriella. She had been there more for comfort and to keep Carina calm.
As if a trifecta of heart health complications weren’t enough for Carina, pneumonia had settled in by day ten. Lungs crackling, struggling to breathe, Teddy had no other choice but to intubate Carina, allowing her lungs a fighting chance at healing compared to standard oxygen.
Maya wanted to cry, to scream, because schizophrenia had already cost her beautiful wife so much.
Heart arrhythmia.
Heart murmur.
Myocarditis.
And now pneumonia.
All of it was too much for Carina’s heart to handle at once. Inducing a coma would ensure proper stabilization. And it did.
Pushing beyond the two week hospitalization, arrhythmia and murmur stabilizing, thankfully Carina’s pneumonia did not worsen. She had fluctuated between high fevers and low in that time, eventually being taken off the ventilator after a trial run.
After twenty one days Maya found herself bringing Carina home. She was rather quiet and barely spoke when Doctor Friedman came by the day of discharge, explaining the medication compliance, including twice weekly appointments with a psychiatrist associated with her.
Ivette Coleman
Carina still heard the voices, still continued on with delusions but they were not as severe as when initially being admitted three weeks ago.
They were more hushed, not loud, but quiet enough for Carina to actually function. She felt— almost like herself again but with a different aura.
Once they got home and Maya helped get Carina comfortable in bed with tea and a light snack did the Italian speak.
“M— Maya?”
“Hm?”
“Will the voices and delusions ever stop?” Carina hadn’t touched the small plate of fruit and crackers, the tea nearly empty.
Maya did not find herself treading carefully, setting aside the tray and pulling Carina’s hands into hers.
“Eventually they will,” she was honest, staring into Carina’s eyes in search of signs of defeat. “With therapy and medication the voices and delusions will become silent. But there will be hard situations where they will come back.”
Carina did not answer right away, fiddling with her fingers instead as a means of distraction and preparing herself for what would come next.
She was already slightly annoyed by the medication part but knew it was a condition of her being discharged. Had Carina resisted, it would have been a much more difficult conversation that ended in being admitted to psych instead of going home after a lengthy fight with complex heart health and pneumonia.
Carina did not mind the twice weekly psychiatry appointments with Ivette set to start the following week.
The whole aspect of getting back on track irritated Carina to a degree. But with this major health scare and now having a pacemaker in her chest for the next six months had shifted something.
It was that scare that had Carina looking forward instead of back. Very rarely would she admit to being scared. And this was one such moment.
“You’re scared,” Maya wrapped her arms protectively around Carina, resting her chin on Carina’s shoulder. “You don’t have to be. There will be good days and bad. Days where manic episodes happen. Days where the lows of schizophrenia will hit. Even the voices and delusions. But remember our promise?”
Carina smiled, her right pinky finger hooking onto Maya’s.
“To always come to you if I hear a tiny voice.”
Maya squeezed a little tighter with her pinky finger, a single tear sliding down her cheek. “And I promised to never leave your side even when you push me away.”
Schizophrenia had not only taken from Carina, but Maya as well. Peace, joy, careers. Somewhere along the way all of it had begun to fracture. Fractures in the form of voices, delusions, missed medications that nearly caused irreparable harm.
It would take time and patience, but Carina was determined to put in the work to get back to where she and Maya were before schizophrenia had dug its vicious claws into Carina.
One therapy session at a time.
One medication at a time.
Carina would fight even if some days were harder than before. When voices became overwhelming. When delusions became too powerful.
Doctor Friedman had left Carina with valuable coping mechanisms to help in these exact moments. Deep breathing, deep pressure, journaling, small walks, the list could run a mile long.
The first few days at home were rough to say. Carina refused to leave the house, easily becoming distressed to the point of barely speaking or refusing to leave their bedroom.
Maya took it with a grain of salt, remaining patient with Carina while respecting her space.
Other times Carina would take all her medications but with tears. It wasn’t that she did not want to take them, it was being back on psychiatric and heart medications that scared Carina.
Maya didn’t mean to snoop but Carina had accidentally left her journal open. The blonde read the short entry, heart breaking.
Carina had blamed herself for stopping life saving medication that ended in her hospitalization for nearly a month. Every pill she swallowed was a dark reminder of that period.
The day before Carina was due to meet with Ivette for the first time was hard. Lucia could sense it. Gabriella knew something was wrong. Andrew went into full protective mode.
Carina had refused to take her medication in the morning. Maya managed to calm her down before the situation became worse.
“How about a compromise?”
“I don’t want a compromise, bambina,” she whined in annoyance, curled up on the living room sofa with a blanket pulled over her lap.
“Please? For me?”
Carina studied Maya for a good moment, the blonde’s signature puppy dog look ultimately winning over.
“Okay.”
Maya smiled softly. “Take your meds with lunch and we’ll take a nap.”
Carina contemplates this compromise, nodding a split second later. “Only if you promise not to play that godawful documentary.”
“It was one time and you loved it!”
“I have to give you that,” Carina wiggled an eyebrow, a smile wide across her face. “A documentary on classic horror movies from the seventies even though it scared me half the time.”
Maya giggled, and so did Carina. Another step in their healing. Normal talk about something as simple as a movie. It felt cathartic to Carina.
True to her word, Carina took her medication with a light lunch of soup and yellow dragonfruit she had managed to convince Maya to buy yesterday. Now that she had eaten, Carina found herself exhausted and curled up on the sofa.
Maya joined her with a fluffy and warm blanket. Instead of a movie or show, Maya queued up Spotify and put on a playlist of music Carina loved.
Both were curled up together, Carina leaning heavily into Maya.
“Ti voglio tantissimo bene, Maya. Grazie per non aver perso fiducia in me.”
Maya tore up at that. Despite all the ups and downs, some harsh truths, not once did the blonde stray away from Carina. She fought hard, advocating for Carina when she was unable to do it herself.
“I will always love you to the moon and back,” Maya choked through tears, the music becoming background noise to both women. “That’s what our promise is. To never give up on each other. You did the same for me. And now I am doing it for you.”
“You always know what to say,” Carina’s eyes grew heavy, voice laced with exhaustion. “Even when I’m at my lowest.”
Maya could see how sleepy Carina had become since that morning. A nap was well deserved at that moment.
Music continued to play with Carina falling asleep in just minutes, her head resting above Maya’s chest. The sound of her steady heartbeat had lulled Carina to sleep.
For a long period Maya was content on watching her wife sleep, holding her.
Maya pressed a gentle kiss to Carina’s forehead before sleep claimed her as well.
“Ti voglio tantissimo bene, mia carissima Carina.”