Chapter Text
He stared at the invitation his mother had given him, dread and anxiety creeping up his spine.
To Ash,
I’d like to invite you to my party on the 21st to celebrate me finally turning 18. It will be held at my house in Twin Leaf Town from 19:00. You’re welcome to stay at mine as well.
Don’t worry about presents or anything but feel free to bring your own alcohol.
Please RSVP as soon as possible.
Hope to see you there!
Love,
Dawn x
He hadn’t seen Dawn in ages. In fact, he hadn’t seen anyone in ages. He could put it down to having a busy schedule, that his duties as a Champion meant his time had been spent on that, but the truth was, for the first time in years, his schedule was actually clear. In recent months, all the offers Ash had had to battle he had turned down, unable to bear the thought of stepping out onto the battlefield, into the crowd.
In all honesty, after the last battle he had participated in, very few offers had even come through. It seemed even his status as a Champion couldn’t save him from the humiliating defeat he had the last time he had set foot on a major battlefield.
Ash shook the thought out of his head, determined not to think about that, as he tried to focus on the invite in his hands. After so long, why would Dawn even want him there? It wasn’t as if Ash had invited her to his own 18th earlier in the year.
(Not that Ash had had much of a party for his own 18th. He had mostly spent the night, away from home, in a hotel room in Galar, drowning his thoughts away in a bottle he was finally now legally able to buy. He hadn’t felt much like celebrating, even ignoring the text messages his mom and his friends had sent until the morning after as he prepared to make an appearance at something or other. Even Ash couldn’t remember what it was for.)
“I’m not going,” Ash finally said, still looking at the invite and not at his mother as the two of them stood in the kitchen of their home in Pallet Town.
“Why not?” Delia asked, her voice genuinely confused. “You and Dawn have always been close. You haven’t seen her in a long while and you finally have some time.”
“I’m busy that day,” Ash lied, hoping his mother would be convinced. “I might have to go to Unova.”
“Ash, it’s up to you, you’re an adult now, but do think about it. I’m sure Dawn would love to see you and lots of your other friends will be there as well. I spoke to Professor Cerise the other day whilst in Vermillion and he mentioned both Chloe and Goh are going. In fact, I think Chloe is going over there early to help Dawn set up.”
Ash winced at the mention of his friends’ names - particularly Goh’s. He hadn’t seen his best friend in close to a year, the thought of him bringing up many feelings within Ash that he was doing his utmost to ignore. He hadn’t even spoken to him much over the last few months. He claimed he was busy, but he wasn’t really. He knew Goh was, though, so he told himself he didn’t want to bother him whilst he was working on things that were actually important.
The truth was though, he missed him. A lot. And there was a part of him that desperately wanted to see his best friend. All of his friends, in fact. But it was hard when Ash knew that he would just be a disappointment to them when they met again. He wasn’t the same person as before: he was a mess who felt as though his life was slowly falling apart. None of them knew it - not even his mom knew it - and he wanted to keep it that way.
Ash knew the only way he could do that was to distance himself completely. He had been thinking about it for a while now, going solo. It was terrifying and Ash wasn’t sure he had the courage to disappear but, on lonely nights, when he felt like he couldn’t feel any lower, when even the spirits he drank didn’t numb the pain, it was the only thing that he could think of doing.
Looking at the invitation again, Ash wondered: what if this was goodbye?
Finally, he looked up at his mother, praying that his eyes wouldn’t give away what he was thinking. Over the last few years, he had become good at hiding his feelings, burying his pain until an immovable mask formed in its place, he hoped now wasn’t the time it finally slipped.
“I’ll think about it,” he replied, keeping his tone neutral. His mother smiled at him.
“Good. Now how about you and Pikachu go to the store and grab the ingredients for dinner, since you’re staying for the next few days. I’m working tonight, so I will take mine to eat at work. You can have yours when you want it.”
Ash nodded, glad for the excuse to get out.
“Oh and make sure you pick up the Pokemon food, too.”
“I will, mom,” Ash told her.
“Good, now off you go.” Delia handed him a bag and a list along with her wallet.
Ash couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped him. “I do have my own money, mom.”
“I know darling, but you’re still my son and therefore, when you’re here - however long that’s for - I’ll always buy dinner for you.”
It should have had the opposite effect but Ash couldn’t help the stab of pain it made him feel at hearing that. It almost felt like guilt.
With one final nod and Pikachu jumping up onto his shoulder, Ash made his way to the shops, all the way thinking about what he was going to do about Dawn’s party.
It was 20:00 by the time he stepped up to the door. Already he could hear the sound of music thumping through the walls of the building. He wasn’t surprised, though, he was an hour late, the party was already in full swing. He had messaged Dawn earlier in the day to say that he had arrived in Sinnoh but hadn’t replied to her since. A few times she had messaged to ask where he was and if he needed picking up but he had ignored all the messages in favour of heading straight to the hotel he had booked out for the next couple of days.
Dawn hadn’t been the only one to message him, either. He had received numerous texts from his friends saying how excited they were to see him, how much they had missed him whilst he had been busy. In his head it made him feel like he was going to be the centre of attention and that was the last thing he wanted.
One, he didn’t want to upstage Dawn at her own party and two, the thought of people looking forward to seeing him made him feel sick. He didn’t want people to look forward to seeing him because it wasn’t him they wanted to see. It was a version of him that they thought they knew; a version of him that hadn’t existed now in so long. Ash was almost certain that, the moment they saw him - spoke to him - they would realise that he wasn’t the person they had wanted to see. Maybe not even a person they wanted to know at all.
The thought had stuck with him the whole day and had contributed to a spiral an hour before he was meant to leave for Dawn’s. He had worked himself up so much that the only way he had been able to dampen the thoughts was to drink the first thing he could find, harsh liquid burning his throat and clearing his mind, if only slightly. By the time he did eventually leave for Dawn’s he was already well on the way to being drunk but at least he didn’t feel as anxious as he had before.
Part of him wanted to feel guilt at turning up at his friend’s house half-drunk but he was going to an 18th birthday party; he probably wasn’t the only one who had had pre-drinks before arriving.
He was, however, probably the only one who had pre-drunk alone in a hotel room whilst his Pokemon partner looked on at him in deep concern.
Still, he had made it eventually and now stood in front of the door wondering whether or not he should just turn back and text Dawn to say that he wasn’t feeling well or that he had needed to rush home for something.
He looked down at the few cans of beer that he had brought with him as both a clutch and a gift, wishing he had Pikachu with him but knowing that it was best his partner stayed at the hotel for tonight. But he couldn’t leave now, he knew he would regret it if he did. Besides, he had come for one specific reason and that was to say goodbye. If tonight went terribly, then it didn’t matter because he wasn’t planning on seeing anyone for a long long time, if at all, after this.
So, with the last of his courage, Ash pressed down on the doorbell, wincing as the sound rang over the sound of the music. For a moment, it seemed as though no one had heard. He was about to press again, when he saw the faint outline of a figure on the other side.
“Ash! You finally made it!” Dawn cried happily (if somewhat tipsyily) as she flung open the door.
“Hi, Dawn, happy birthday,” Ash managed to say, throwing on the mask he had so easily gotten used to using.
“Thank you.” Dawn moved out of the way so Ash could step in. “Come inside, everyone else is already here.”
Although Ash knew that to be the case, he couldn’t help but feel apprehensive at that. It fully dawned on him then that he was going to have to act normal around his friends the entire night. It was easy to do when it was a room full of strangers but these were people he had grown up with. It may have been a while but he was worried he might slip.
Pushing down the thought, he followed Dawn into the kitchen where she said he could leave the beer cans. He did as instructed, though made sure to grab one for himself first. He expected Dawn to say something but Ash remembered that he was allowed to drink - was expected to, even. Dawn just smiled brightly, grabbing one herself and Ash felt himself relax. He even managed to smile back a smile that was actually almost real.
“So, how have you been? It’s been so long since I last saw you. If I didn’t hear from you soon, I was going to plan a trip to Kanto just to visit you - or at least ask your mom where you were.”
“I’ve been good.” The lie left his mouth so easily that it almost made him sick. “Sorry, I’ve just had a lot on recently but I’ve decided to take a bit of a break.” It was partly the truth. Over the years, Ash had learnt that the best lies were always rooted in the truth.
“I don’t blame you,” Dawn said. “I think I’m going to take a little break from the contest circuit for a bit. I’ve missed people, y’know, and I can tell that my Pokemon wouldn’t mind a brief holiday, either. Piplup certainly could use some R&R. Where’s Pikachu, by the way?”
“He’s at the hotel, thought it would be best to not bring him tonight,” Ash replied. He thought about Pikachu and for a moment wondered what Pikachu would make of Ash’s plan. He hadn’t mentioned anything at all, knowing that Pikachu would hate to leave everyone. It made him feel guilty again, the fact that he was planning on taking Pikachu away from all of his friends too. He knew he could leave Pikachu behind but he was selfish and couldn’t bear the thought of being completely alone, even if Pikachu might resent him for it later on.
If Pikachu decided to leave, however, then Ash wouldn’t stop him. Even if it broke him.
“Y’know, you could’ve stayed here. Chloe and Goh are staying tonight. I think Brock was going to but he’s got an early flight back tomorrow.”
“I didn’t want to intrude, really.”
“Ash, you wouldn’t have.” Dawn shook her head. “If you change your mind, the offer still stands. I know Chloe and Goh would love for you to stay - especially Goh.”
Ash couldn’t quite work out the look that she was giving him as she said that, but it made him feel uncomfortable. He coughed, clearing his throat before taking a large swig of his beer, hoping to think of something to change the subject.
Dawn, ever the conversationalist, beat him to it.
“Come on,” she said, grabbing his wrist, “let’s head into the main room. Everyone’s going to be so happy to see you.”
Ash wished he shared her enthusiasm.
The main room was exactly as he had expected. The main lights were down low, with string lights and small, portable disco-style lights illuminating the room in a way that felt almost homely. Music was blearing from a speaker that Ash couldn’t quite locate, a song he was only vaguely familiar with playing over the noise of the people in the room talking.
In total, there must have been about twenty people crammed into Dawn’s living room. He recognised many of them, though there were several that he didn’t know. He knew they were most likely friends of Dawn’s that she had made through contests or on her own journeys. It made him realise how distant he had become that he couldn’t even think of any names that Dawn might have mentioned - if she had mentioned them at all.
“Ash! It’s good to see you.” He turned to see that Brock was now standing beside him. It had been a while since he had seen him too. There had been a time when Ash would have turned to Brock for advice on anything. He had always been that older brother figure that Ash had needed when he had been younger. Deep down, he knew he needed it now, but there was no way he could talk to Brock about everything. At 23, Brock had lived the years that Ash hadn’t yet but their lives were so wildly different these days that those five years meant almost nothing anymore. Brock was settled in his job as a Pokemon Doctor and seemed to be doing well for himself. He seemed happy.
Ash wondered where he would be in five years’ time. He wondered if happiness was even something he could achieve.
He pushed away the thoughts by taking a sip of his drink, hoping to stave off the inevitable spiral until the evening was over.
“Yeah,” Ash finally replied. “It’s good to see you, too.”
“Cilan and I were just wondering if you were going to make it or not.”
“Cilan’s here?”
“Yeah, he’s out the back at the moment,” Brock explained.
“Both Brock and Cilan helped out with the food, you’ll be pleased to know.” Ash turned back to Dawn, still standing beside them.
“Yeah, and we made more than enough. It’s in the dining room for people to grab when they want to, so help yourself.”
“I will,” Ash replied, though he doubted he would. His appetite had definitely dwindled recently and he only found he was able to eat when he absolutely needed to. That, and Ash knew tonight would be tough on him mentally; he was worried having food that he had loved growing up just might be the catalyst for the breakdown he was still trying to keep at bay.
“I’m going to go find Cilan, but I’ll catch up with you later,” Brock announced before heading out of the room.
A part of Ash was trying to say that he should follow, after all it had been ages since he had seen Cilan too and it would be nice to catch up after all this time, but he couldn’t bring himself to. And he hated himself for that.
Tonight was going to be hard and Ash was starting to regret coming. Seeing people again was too much. He knew it would be but he had managed to convince himself that it was the right thing to do. Now he was thinking the opposite.
He turned around, expecting Dawn to still be by his side but a quick glance around and his eyes settled on her at the other end of the room talking to three women he didn’t recognise. A stab of loneliness hit him for a moment but he reminded himself that this is what he had wanted. He wanted to be left alone tonight. He wanted as few people to know he was here as possible.
It was easier that way.
Figuring if he wanted that to be the case then heading out of this room and somewhere more quiet would be in his best interest, Ash began to make his way out of the living room. He wasn’t sure where he was going exactly but he wasn’t able to get far at all when he caught sight of a familiar figure walking into the kitchen.
Immediately, Ash took a step back, hoping to not be seen. Hidden partly by the door frame, partly by some random party decoration, Ash watched as Goh took a drink from the table. It was the first time Ash had seen him in person in so long and he looked…good. More than good, in fact. His dark hair was longer than Ash had seen it, red streaks coming through more obviously with the length. He had tied it back, too, in a small, loose ponytail, allowing the shorter front pieces of his hair to frame his face. Or at least, Ash assumed. From where Ash was standing, he couldn’t quite make out Goh’s face but that was okay, it meant that Goh hadn’t seen him which was what he was aiming for really.
Which was stupid on so many levels. Goh was his best friend - had been for years - and seeing again should have been easy. The moment Ash knew he was coming, he should have messaged to say that and they should have met the moment they both arrived. Hell, they should have met up in Sinnoh earlier in the day and arrived together. It’s what they would have done years ago, so why was it so hard now?
There were reasons why but Ash was too much of a coward to face them head on.
Ash was brought out of his thoughts by the sound of laughter. His attention once again focused on Goh who was now turning around, a flash of a smile on his face, as he laughed again. Ash assumed there was someone else in the kitchen with him - Chloe, maybe? Someone else? - but he couldn’t see from where he stood. It didn’t matter who it was, though, he thought bitterly, it wasn’t him. And, after tonight, it probably wouldn’t be again.
But he was doing the right thing. Ash just had to keep reminding himself of that.
Deciding that it was best not to torture himself by standing in the doorway, Ash sighed and turned around. It would be too obvious for him to leave right now, so he had to stick it out for a little longer. Until then, he’d find somewhere quiet to wait and when he knew that Goh couldn’t still be in the kitchen (Ash knew he would no doubt head outside, Goh wasn’t really one for cramped spaces after all, Ash still knew that much about him) then he would head back there and get a much-needed drink. Probably several.
Definitely several.
His plan to stay out of everyone’s way hadn’t really been a success. By eleven o’clock, Ash had already spent more time at the party than he thought he would and had spoken to mostly everyone he knew. The drinks made things easier, and he knew they would. By nine o’clock, Ash had been fully drunk and feeling a little more able to socialise than before. He still kept his distance where possible and found himself floating around more than staying, but in those two hours he had managed to hold successful conversations with several of his friends. He had spoken to May about her upcoming contests and how Max had been given an early scholarship to the best University in Hoenn and was deciding whether to go this year or wait another few; he had briefly caught up with Brock again - this time with Cilan - who had told him more about the work he was doing. Cilan had also told him about the gym and how he was planning on going out again to travel for a bit, leaving his brothers in charge. Cilan had also mentioned how Iris had wanted to come tonight but had been caught up in her own Champion duties, but sent her regards and best wishes.
Ash had also managed to speak to some of the people he didn’t know already. He didn’t remember any of their names, but they all knew of him, saying that Dawn talked about him a lot. He had forced a smile at that, wanting to ask more details but deciding not to. The last thing he wanted was to hear them give some praise to him on behalf of Dawn who had clearly told him about the version of him that she had in her mind. He wasn’t blind, he knew Dawn regarded him highly - even if she hadn’t always told him that - but he couldn’t bear to hear those thoughts out loud now, knowing that, if she found out the truth, she would be devastated.
There were many people in Ash’s life that he didn’t want to disappoint, but there were a few that seeing that disappointment on their face would break him beyond repair. Dawn was one of those people.
His mom was another.
As was Goh.
With his thoughts turning back to places he definitely wanted to avoid, Ash headed back in the kitchen to get another drink. He had lost count of how many he had had at this point and found he didn’t particularly care. Everyone else was drunk by this point anyway, so it hardly mattered.
Still, there was a part of Ash - the sensible part, the part that he often had to force back - that told him it was probably time to slow down. As he always did, though, he pushed the thought back, taking a large gulp of the drink he had grabbed (he wasn’t even sure what it was, he was at the stage where he just took the first thing that he could find). It was a harsh liquor of some kind and it burned slightly as it went down his throat. He coughed but took another swig despite the harshness and made his way out of the kitchen.
He must have stumbled since a moment later, someone had their arms around him, holding him up. His vision blurred for a second as he straightened up looking at who had stopped him from hitting the ground.
Next to him, looking very concerned, was Chloe. She was on her own it seemed, neither Dawn nor Goh - who had both spent most of their evening with her - were around.
“Are you alright, Ash?” Chloe asked, worried as she kept her arms around him, probably thinking he was about to stumble again. He was pretty sure he was fine now.
“‘M fine,” Ash replied. Oh, his speech was definitely on its way out it seemed, even he could hear the slur in his words at this point.
“Maybe you should slow down,” Chloe suggested, voicing Ash’s earlier thought. “You look like you’re about to pass out at any moment.”
“I’m not that much of a lightweight,” Ash tried to joke but could tell by the look on Chloe’s face that it fell flat.
“Didn’t say you were,” she told him. “But let’s maybe not test it out any further.” She finally let go of him, clearly satisfied that he could stand on his own. “Why don’t you come out the front with us? Dawn and Goh are outside. I know you’ve spoken to Dawn a bit tonight, but Goh and I haven’t spoken to you at all. Goh’s been trying to find you for a while, but somehow keeps missing you.”
Shit. How was he supposed to get out of this now?
The alcohol in his system made his thoughts sluggish but he tried to wrack his brain for an excuse that he could use to get out of going with Chloe.
“I said I would meet Brock outside the back, but I’ll catch up with you guys later,” he finally said, doing his best to sound like that was actually going to happen and Ash wasn’t about to try and find a place to hide for a bit as he pieced himself together.
Chloe looked at him for longer than Ash would have liked. For a moment, he was worried that she would see straight through him. It definitely seemed like she was trying to figure something out, but she was drunk - or at least tipsy - so her usually sharp eye wasn’t as sharp as normal, for which Ash was thankful for.
“Fine, but please do, okay? Try not to leave without saying goodbye, alright?”
Chloe left him then, walking back towards the front door of the house to meet back up with Dawn and Goh, leaving Ash standing where he was, her words ringing through his head.
Try not to leave without saying goodbye.
If only she knew. If only she knew that that was exactly what he was doing, exactly the reason he came. This was him saying goodbye; this was him leaving without forgetting.
But there were some goodbyes that were harder than others.
Ash had never been great at goodbyes, not really. When he had travelled the world, he had become well-versed in them, but they had never been easy. He remembered the tears he had shed when he had said goodbye to Misty and Brock the first time; he remembered how difficult he had found it to say goodbye to his family in Alola. He remembered the almost tears that had formed when parting with Goh for the first time, wishing himself not to cry as he headed back out on his own once more, watching in both sadness and pride as his best friend did the same.
Throughout the years, all the goodbyes he had had had been tough.
But nothing like this. Never like this.
Those goodbyes had simply been ‘see you laters’. As hard as they had been, Ash knew none of them were permanent - not really. He knew, somewhere down the line, they would meet again and they would catch up about what they had been up to in the space between visits.
But not this time.
This felt permanent. This felt like forever.
Right now, Ash couldn’t see a future where he met with his old friends and exchanged stories. He couldn’t see them taking lunch in the city and parting ways at the docks, promising to see each other again soon.
No, instead, the future was blank. For the first time in his life, Ash had no goal, had no next step. Just…existing. Trying to get through each and every day, trying to admit to himself that his good days were behind him. Trying to get his thoughts to quieten when they tried to remind him of everything he was trying to avoid, of all the feelings he didn’t want to feel.
But Chloe didn’t know all that and Ash wasn’t planning on telling her - or anyone. Even so, her words still continued to run through his mind where he knew they would linger now.
He needed to get out. He needed air. It wouldn’t help him much, but maybe outside he would have less of a chance at being spotted, of being bothered. Most people he knew still seemed to be inside.
He knew he couldn’t go out the front, so he walked the opposite way to where Chloe had just gone and began to make his way towards the back garden.
He’d cool down, sober up slightly and then head back to the hotel.
Otherwise, he knew he would do something stupid.
By midnight, the party seemed to be winding down. At least, it seemed like it was becoming quieter, but maybe that was because Ash had spent the last forty or so minutes sitting on the grass outside the back of Dawn’s house away from everyone else.
Despite the summer air, Ash had been sitting outside long enough that he was starting to feel the night air grow cold. It had helped sober him up slightly, though, which was both a blessing and a curse. It meant the world seemed to no longer spin every time he moved but, at the same time, it meant his thoughts were increasing in volume again and it was getting very hard to keep the brewing breakdown at bay.
Still, it was calming out here and Ash felt far enough away that he felt he could actually breathe. He hadn’t realised how tightly he had been wrung whilst inside the house; how on edge he had felt at the thought of being found out every time he bumped into someone. Out here, those thoughts were still there, but there was a little more space for them now, even though Ash promptly discarded them with practiced ease every time they wanted to make themselves known.
He really should have left by now, but he was finding it hard to. It would be easy, really, to slip out without anyone noticing him. At this point in the night, everyone was either half asleep or far too intoxicated to take note if he left, so that wasn’t the issue. The issue was there was a part of him - a stubborn, rebellious part - that didn’t want to leave.
That was currently the part that was winning and this was the compromise.
A gust of wind blew out of nowhere in the otherwise still night air. Ash shivered, pulling the sleeves of his hoodie down over his hands and bringing his knees up to his chest. He told himself he would give it five more minutes of sitting out here and then he’d head off. No one would see him, no one would even know he had gone. He’s just–
“Ash?”
Fuck.
Powerless to ignore the sound of his name coming from the one person he had been doing his best to avoid despite desperately wanting to talk to, Ash turned to see Goh standing a little way away from him.
He was on his own, suggesting that he had at some point left Chloe and Dawn on their own. Whether it was because he wanted time to himself or he wanted to track Ash down, Ash didn’t know and wasn’t about to ask. What he did know, however, was that he was not going to be able to avoid this conversation anymore.
He knew he should have left a while ago.
“Hi,” was all he managed to say. His voice was rough and croaked a bit on the single syllable, but at least he didn’t sound like was about to slur his words anymore.
“What’re you doing out here?” Goh asked, walking nearer to him. He didn’t sit, though, so Ash would have to look up at him if he wanted to make eye contact.
He didn’t and returned his gaze to his knees, still wrapped around himself, thinking of how he was going to reply.
“Just needed some air,” he said, feeling like he wanted to say more but unsure what those words would be.
If at any point he thought that Goh would leave him at that, he would have been wrong as Goh came up to him properly, finally sitting himself down next to Ash. And, although Ash kept his gaze firmly where it was, he knew that Goh was looking at him.
“Are you okay?” Goh asked gently. “Chloe said you seemed really drunk earlier.”
Of course Chloe would have told Goh about their encounter earlier. He should have expected that. Really, he should be thankful Goh had only now just decided to seek him out.
“I’m okay,” he lied. “The fresh air has helped.”
Ash almost expected Goh to push it, but a silence fell between them. Both of them knew that their communication as of late hadn’t been great but neither of them seemed to be breaching the silence in order to rectify that.
Even still, the silence wasn’t exactly uncomfortable either. It had always been like this with them; they had always been able to just be with each other, words sometimes unnecessary. It said something about the bond that they shared that, even months without talking, they could easily fall into that rhythm again.
Any other time and Ash would have loved this feeling. Now, he resented it.
Goh, oblivious to Ash’s inner turmoil, lay back on the grass. Ash felt more than saw him move, but finally looked over at him all the same. Goh’s eyes were fixed on the moon above him, his long hair - now free from the hair tie he had been using earlier - swirled around his head like a black and red halo. His eyes seemed much more blue with the moonlight reflecting from them and, for a moment, Ash found himself forgetting how to breathe. It had been so long since they had last seen each other that Ash had forgotten how beautiful Goh was like this; how the moonlight just suited him and how Ash knew, from the look in his friend’s eyes, that he was reminiscing about days gone by.
And Ash found himself unable to look away. Despite everything he had tried to avoid since arriving, he knew he couldn’t avoid this: looking at Goh like this.
For so long, Ash had hidden his feelings for his best friend, and he knew it was something he would continue to do for the rest of his life but, bloody hell, was it hard.
“Y’know,” Goh started, which helped Ash a little to push his thoughts away. Whilst not the most negative ones he had had the entire night, they hurt more than anything else and Ash knew he couldn’t go down that path right now. “I can’t believe we’re all finally adults. Seems like yesterday we were riding Lugia and starting as Research Fellows with Professor Cerise.”
Ash’s heart hurt because he knew Goh’s words meant that he was happy, content. He had always loved to reminisce when he was feeling overwhelmingly positive. In the past, Ash would have joined him, the two of them talking of their past adventures with a warm air around them, until the sun either came up or went down.
But he couldn’t this time. The words just wouldn’t form and he didn’t want to sour what had been something special to them. Whilst Goh wouldn’t know how Ash was feeling right then, Ash would always know and would always carry that feeling with him. He knew it would taint the memories of the days that they had spoken this way with one another in the past, when both of them were happy and full of life.
So he stayed silent.
Goh didn’t seem to notice, however, whether it was because of the alcohol he had over the course of the night or because he just had so much to say, Ash didn’t know, but he’s thankful either way and more than willing to listen to Goh talk more, even if every word makes his heart hurt just that little bit more.
“--I don’t think I would have decided to study as a Professor without that. Funny how things turn out.” He finally looked at Ash, slightly apologetically. “Sorry, I’m rambling. I blame the beers.”
Ash shook his head, dismissing Goh’s apology. He didn’t need to apologise. Not now, not ever.
Ash on the other hand…
“You’ll be a great Professor one day,” Ash said, finally speaking a truth that was so easy to say. Goh would be a great Professor one day. The best, even, Ash was sure.
Goh sat up at that and looked at Ash in sincerity. “Thank you, Ash,” he replied, a smile ghosting his face.
“Don’t give up on your dream, yeah?” Ash carried on, feeling emotion well up inside him. He was aware that this was sounding awfully like that goodbye he had been trying to avoid.
Goh looked at him oddly. Ash knew he was picking up that something wasn’t right; he could see it in Goh’s face that he was trying to figure it out.
For a moment, Ash almost wanted him to, but quickly realised that it was easier for everyone if that didn’t happen. He knew that if Goh knew he would want to help which would only succeed in putting Goh in a difficult position. There was nothing that Goh could do to help Ash anyway, so Ash wasn’t going to burden him with an impossible task.
No, it was better this way.
“I’m heading out,” Ash announced, hoping to dispel Goh’s worried look, but didn’t fully succeed. “On another journey,” he continued.
“Where to?” Goh asked gently.
Wherever I can to escape. “Not sure yet,” Ash told him, hoping that his old, I’ll-figure-it-out-on-the-way attitude was coming through, even minutely.
“When are you heading out?”
“Not sure yet,” Ash repeated, looking away from Goh finally and up at the sky.
“Have you thought about any of the details?” There was a familiar tone to Goh’s voice that he often used when only somewhat joking about how unprepared Ash usually was when it came to…well, anything. It was a mix of both exasperation and fondness that Ash had grown accustomed to over the years. He hadn’t heard it for so long now that he found he had missed it.
“You know me.” His own tone had taken on a more thoughtful tone, though Ash tried to force some playfulness out, both to stop Goh from giving him that worried look again and to have one final moment like this with his best friend.
Beside him, Goh playfully huffed as he shifted on the ground, moving closer to Ash. “Boy, do I. Pretty sure you’re the reason some of our research missions took three days longer than they should have.”
Ash breathed a laugh at that, smiling a real smile for the first time all day. “If you’re talking about the time–”
“--don’t even go there,” Goh cut him off, laughing as he did.
“Then I’m sorry,” Ash finished. If only Goh knew the weight of his words and how they weren’t just referring to back then.
Clearly still thinking they were playing around, Goh replied: “Well, you’re forgiven.”
Ash went quiet at that, knowing that this would probably be the last time Goh would ever say those words to him. He knew that Goh would never forgive him for leaving, for running away from his feelings and problems rather than face them head on.
But, maybe, for tonight, Ash could pretend. He could pretend that, wherever he ended up, whatever region he found himself in, then he would have those words to hold on to. It wasn’t much and it wasn’t real, but maybe he could convince himself that they were.
Silence fell over them again, this time heavier than before. If Goh still suspected that something was going on then he didn’t say anything about it.
“I really meant it, by the way,” Ash said, breaking the silence. He looked at Goh properly, taking in his bright blue eyes. “You’ll make a wonderful Professor, so don’t give up, okay?”
Goh tilted his head, and Ash could see the confusion in his eyes, wondering why Ash was saying this again.
For a moment, the two of them continued to look at each other, neither one being the one to move away first. Ash knew he should, though. His heart was beginning to pound but he couldn’t draw his eyes away, couldn’t escape whatever was pulling him in.
Without realising it had happened, Ash found himself impossibly close to Goh. He wasn’t entirely sure whether he had moved, whether Goh had moved, or whether both of them had moved, but he was close enough that he could feel Goh’s breath mix with his own, both heightened, whether from nerves or anticipation, Ash couldn’t be sure.
But Goh wasn’t pulling away, even though he must have understood what was happening, what was likely about to happen between the two of them.
Once again, Ash told himself he should pull away, but he couldn’t. Deep down, this was something he wanted more than anything, even if he had denied himself this want for years. Ever since he had realised his feelings for Goh, he had strived to make sure Goh never found out. He was spiralling and, not only did he know that Goh wouldn’t return his feelings, he also knew that, if there was even the slightest chance that Goh would feel the same, he was certainly not going to want to be with someone who was spiralling further with each coming day.
This was one of the reasons why he had to leave. If he stayed any longer then it was only a matter of time before he couldn’t hold his feelings in any longer. The last thing he wanted was to face rejection like this on top of everything else.
But, for now, knowing that Ash was unlikely to see Goh for a long time and knowing that, even if he did, they would never be the same, he allowed himself to have this. He allowed himself to believe that it could have been real if he had just been braver, been less worried and trapped by the world he had found himself in.
Finally letting go of his inhibitions, the distance was closed between them, lips meeting in the middle in a kiss that was everything.
The kiss deepened and Ash could taste the beer that Goh had been drinking throughout the night. He briefly wondered if either of them would remember this tomorrow morning, or if it would feel like a dream. He knew they were both far from sober and maybe that was why this had been allowed to happen, but he found it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered right now.
Except it did. And the moment he remembered that, Ash pulled away. His eyes were wide and he knew he had fucked up.
It didn’t quite register what had happened still until he felt Goh lean in again and this time, Ash pulled back fully, standing up quickly with a slight stumble, feeling light headed both from the drinks he had had and the kiss that just happened.
Shit.
Fuck.
What had he done?
He couldn’t look at Goh, but a quick glance told him that he seemed confused about what had just transpired too.
This wasn’t why he had come here tonight. This wasn’t what he had meant to do.
He needed to get out of here. There was no way he could face Goh now, no way he could face anyone now.
So he did what he had been planning on doing all this time.
He ran.
Drunk, half-way towards a panic attack and feeling the guiltest he had ever felt, Ash ran the whole way back to the hotel, not once looking back. He was sure a few people had seen him leave Dawn’s, sure that some of them wondered why he seemed to be leaving in such a hurry. Would Goh tell them? Would he say what had happened? Did he hate Ash right now?
Would it be better if he did?
Slamming his hotel room door closed and startling Pikachu who had been asleep on the bed, Ash rushed to the bathroom and threw up the moment he reached the toilet bowl. From inside the bedroom, he could hear the sound of Pikachu scratching at the door, calling his name, but even when his stomach stopped heaving and the guilt settled like a stone in his gut, Ash stayed where he was, thinking over what had happened, sobs leaving his body uncontrollably as he thought about what an unbelievable fuck up he was. He couldn’t even leave right.
For the next few hours, Ash stayed in the bathroom, sobbing. On the other side of the door, Pikachu continued to try and reach his trainer, but Ash ignored him. He needed to be alone - wanted to be alone, even.
Eventually, Ash wore himself out, falling asleep on the tiled floor. In the morning, once the hangover set in and the regret came anew, he’d head back to Kanto and he’d begin to pack what he needed and be on his way.
It took three more days for Ash to finally muster up the courage to leave for good.
In his room, his rucksack was packed with his usual travel essentials, sat at the end of his bed waiting to be picked up.
It was the only thing in the room that was out of place. Knowing that he wasn’t coming back any time soon, Ash had tidied the room up as best he could - not that there had been much to tidy in the first place.
On his desk sat two items that still needed to be packed. One was his phone, which he had turned off the day before after receiving a series of messages from friends asking if he was alright. None of them had mentioned the kiss, which suggested that they didn’t know for which he was thankful for. He had replied to most of them, saying that he was fine and that he had left because he hadn’t been feeling well, leaving it at that.
However, there had been some that he hadn’t replied to. Ones that he couldn’t even bring himself to open.
As he should have known, Goh had tried to reach him a few times over the last couple of days. He hadn’t mentioned the kiss specifically but he had asked if Ash was alright and can we talk? and please, Ash, we need to talk about this.
But Ash replied to none of them, feeling too guilty about what happened and unable to face his mistake. He needed out, needed to escape his reality and his feelings for a long time. He needed to go somewhere where no one knew him, where no one would even think to find him. It was too much for him here and the other night had proven once and for all just how much Ash needed to escape.
Turning his phone off had been the first step.
The second item that was on his desk was Pikachu’s Pokeball. In almost a decade of being together, Ash had carried this ball with him everywhere he went, knowing that Pikachu would never go inside but keeping it with him as something symbolic more than anything. He had brought it out of his bag hoping that it would help make up his mind. Pikachu was downstairs with his mom and Mimey; if Ash was quiet and quick, he might be able to leave without Pikachu even knowing that he was gone.
But leaving Pikachu was a step too far. He had already decided that he would be taking Pikachu with him, but looking at his ball now, Ash wondered if that was the right thing to do. Surely, Pikachu would be happier here in the long run? Sure, he would be pissed off with Ash for leaving him and potentially be upset for a while, but at least he would be with his friends here. With Ash, he would be alone. Ash didn’t plan on catching any more Pokemon - wasn’t even going to take his empty balls with him - nor was he going to be meeting up with any of his friends, so all Pikachu would have would be Ash and he wasn’t exactly the best of company right now.
Sighing, Ash picked up his phone after collecting the rucksack from his bed, leaving Pikachu’s ball on the desk. He was just about to head out of the door when he saw Pikachu standing in the threshold looking at Ash as if he had just witnessed Ash’s inner conflict.
Pikachu knew what he was planning.
And he wasn’t happy about it.
“Wouldn’t you be happier here?” Ash asked, not bothering to hide or lie about what Pikachu already knew.
“Pika. Pikachu pi-pika.” Pikachu stood his ground and Ash knew it was useless to ask Pikachu to stay behind. Ever since that first day with the Spearow, Pikachu had been fiercely loyal and the best friend Ash could ever have.
“Okay,” Ash nodded, saying nothing more as he turned around and picked up the ball, placing it in his pocket. “Let’s go, then.” Without saying anything more, and without looking down at Pikachu again, Ash headed out of his bedroom door and down the stairs.
As he passed the kitchen, his mom came out, looking surprised to see him carrying his travel stuff.
“Are you off again?” His mom asked, a sadness in her eyes that she always had when Ash went away. This time, it hurt more than usual.
“Yeah,” Ash confirmed, trying to sound as if it was like any other time he had left home. “Pikachu and I are heading out on another journey.”
“Where are you going this time?” Delia asked, like she always did.
“I don’t know,” Ash said honestly.
Normally, Delia would smile and tell him to have fun exploring but this time she looked at him. Despite being a good few inches taller than her these days, Ash felt small under his mother’s gaze.
“Stay safe, okay?” She said finally, breaking the tension somewhat.
Ash gave a small smile at that. It was sad and Ash hoped that didn’t come across too much. “I’ll try, mom,” he said.
After a final quick goodbye, Ash looked back once more at his mother and Mimey as they watched both him and Pikachu leave the house.
As he walked up the road and out of Pallet Town, Ash didn’t dare look back. He couldn’t. Pallet Town represented a part of his life that he no longer felt he had control of. He was so far away from the ten-year-old boy he had been the first time he had set out on his journey; so far away from the man he thought he would have become, the man who everyone had wanted him to become, the man that people still believed he had become.
But the truth was, who he was now was not that person - had never been that person. The pressure to live up to an expectation that had been set when he had been so young had left him feeling like everything he did could never be good enough. Like he was one mistake from everyone realising who he really was.
He wasn’t the great inspiration people always made him out to be. He wasn’t the great trainer he had believed himself to be for years. He wasn’t the best friend or the son that he could have been if he had tried harder. He wasn’t any of those things and he never would be.
But in moments of weakness, when the drinks and the people didn’t quite numb the pain all the way and his thoughts were allowed the wander more freely, he wondered:
Could I one day feel that way?