Chapter Text
CatzCatz_Catz
I will not kiss Rozanov's ass, OR wear his jersey. I might stop insulting him for five minutes, though.
DogzDogz_Dogz
I did not say stop insulting him.
CatzCatz_Catz
You don't like him, either?
DogzDogz_Dogz
Asshole, remember?
CatzCatz_Catz
Oh come on. He has to have some redeeming qualities. There are no Subreddits dedicated to how he's an asshole to women, like Dallas Kent. I know. I checked.
DogzDogz_Dogz
There are no sex complaints from anyone.
CatzCatz_Catz
That we know of.
DogzDogz_Dogz
If it is not on Reddit, it does not exist.
CatzCatz_Catz
Come on. One good thing about Rozanov.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Being an asshole is the endearing quality.
Shane swallowed a laugh.
J.J. Leaned over the bus seat in front of Shane. "Still on Reddit with your not-girlfriend?"
Pressing the phone to his chest, Shane looked up. "Shut up."
"He is!" J.J. told Hayden. "Look at him. His cheeks are red."
"Fuck off," he told both of them. "Leave me alone."
"Ok, sure, whatever," J.J. said as he sat back down.
When he was certain no one was looking over at him, he pulled the phone away from his chest.
CatzCatz_Catz
I think it's cool he has no Reddit sex complaints. And he seems good with young fans. Better than Hollander.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Because he is better than Hollander at everything.
CatzCatz_Catz
Not at scoring brand deals. Hollander has had Rolex since forever.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Rolex is a boring watch for boring people. And no one needs that many campaigns. His mother would sell him on the black market if she could.
CatzCatz_Catz
His mother is just really good at branding.
DogzDogz_Dogz
She likes it when he takes his clothes off.
CatzCatz_Catz
Asshole.
DogzDogz_Dogz
I am kidding. But it is very weird.
CatzCatz_Catz
It is. But can you argue results?
DogzDogz_Dogz
No. He has a very good business manager even if she has changed his diapers.
CatzCatz_Catz
We weren't talking about Hollander, though. We were talking about Rozanov. I think sometimes he's an asshole to the right people. There's something to be said for that.
DogzDogz_Dogz
If you are an asshole to everybody, eventually you will be an asshole to the right person.
CatzCatz_Catz
He's not an asshole to everybody. Like I said--he's great with kids. And the only clips I've seen of him being an asshole to adult "fans" are with ones who deserved it. Plus he's at least funny about it.
DogzDogz_Dogz
You like Rozanov?
CatzCatz_Catz
He's not awful.
Nothing else came through and they were at their destination, so he put his phone away. Just as he was gathering up his stuff, his pocket buzzed. Without thinking, he took it back out. It was a text from "Lily."
Lily: Eleven days.
Jane: Yes, until we kick your teeth in.
Lily: Until I do bad things to you. 😈
Shane put his phone away, knowing he was blushing.
"Oh my God. Just go after her," Hayden moaned.
J.J. popped his head back over the seat. "Just quit being pathetic about it," he said, offering an alternative.
"You guys suck," Shane muttered.
***
When nothing came in via text or Reddit the rest of the day, Shane was kind of relieved. Maybe the conversation had run its course. When he'd said Rozanov didn't need to respond originally, he'd meant it and had hoped for it.
This conversation was a bad idea, so it ending was good.
But he kept checking his phone for alerts.
Just in case.
This was actually the most he and Rozanov had ever spoken about things that were not hooking up or beating each other. It was... nice.
The game had been fair. Well, technically better than fair. They'd won. But no one had really played spectacularly. He felt slow and it wasn't like anyone picked up the slack. It was probably just the mid-season grind. He'd said a few words about amping up the energy for next time, and he knew that that applied to himself as well. Everyone just quietly agreed and went about their business.
They were flying out right afterward, so he didn't have much time to check his phone for a bit. He was still thinking of how to respond to Rozanov's text, so the distraction was welcome.
When he finally crawled into bed, he was exhausted and definitely ready for a good night's sleep. Fortunately, Hayden didn't have anything else to say about Lily or Reddit. They just both got through their night routine and went to bed.
Shane was out in just a few minutes. He slept hard.
He woke up on his own, fifteen minutes before the alarm. When he went to shut it off, he saw a few replies from Rozanov.
DogzDogz_Dogz
If Rozanov is not awful, then why will you not wear his jersey?
DogzDogz_Dogz
Is it because you want to suck Hollander's dick?
DogzDogz_Dogz
Sorry. TOo much alcohol.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Anyways, good night.
For some reason, the 'good night' sounded ominous.
CatzCatz_Catz
Good morning. Hope you aren't too hung over. Nah, not interested in sucking Hollander's dick. I will leave that for braver people.
DogzDogz_Dogz
I am braver people.
CatzCatz_Catz
Hope you get your chance someday.
DogzDogz_Dogz
I am still drunk, btw.
CatzCatz_Catz
So I see. Good party?
DogzDogz_Dogz
Party of one.
CatzCatz_Catz
Sorry to hear that. Time to sober up?
DogzDogz_Dogz
I am off today. I can drink till like 2 and be ok for work tomorrow.
CatzCatz_Catz
Well, at least you know that about yourself, I guess.
CatzCatz_Catz
Drinking over anything in particular?
DogzDogz_Dogz
Just things.
CatzCatz_Catz
Well, maybe sober up a little this morning. Drink some coffee, eat a vegetable.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Touch grass?
CatzCatz_Catz
I hear sunlight helps mood and such.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Fine. I will go touch grass.
That was all he heard from Rozanov for a bit.
He ended up staring at Rozanov's last text message until Hayden's slightly later alarm went off.
"What're you still doing in bed?" Hayden asked after rolling over. "Another bad night?"
Shane put his phone screen down on the bed beside him. "Lost track of time."
"YOU lost track of time? Ok, bud. What's up?" Hayden sat up and grabbed his own phone.
Shane sighed. “I don’t know. Ruminating over Reddit, I guess.” Obsessed with this new Reddit DM conversation with Rozanov was more like it. And trying to figure out how to respond to yesterday’s ‘bad things’ text.
“I am sorry I brought it up. You weren’t interested and I kept pushing. I didn’t mean to mess with your head.” Hayden grabbed his phone off the bedside table and looked at it. “Aww, shit. Jade tried to flush her Mr Pickles stuffy down the toilet and the bathroom is flooded. Jackie is losing her mind.”
Shane looked at the time. “Man, she gets up early.”
“Early enough to drive her mom nuts before sane people are even out of bed.”
“Or the crazy people have gone to bed,” Shane noted, thinking of Rozanov, and wondering what he was drinking about. “Just things” had been a loaded statement.
“Anyways, she called a 24-hour plumber, which, I don’t care, if it keeps her from losing her mind. I guess that’s taken care of.” He continued texting his wife, though, probably talking her out of her frustration.
Shane got himself out of bed and headed for the bathroom. Just as he crossed the threshold, his phone vibrated on the bed. “Shit.” He came back and grabbed it.
“So is it text Lily or Reddit Lily?” Hayden asked, distracted by his own text conversation.
Shane didn’t answer. He just went into the bathroom and shut the door. Leaning against the sink, he checked the message.
Lily: Sunrise does not suck.
Lily: I can do bad things to you until sunrise.
Jane: Not if I want to catch the flight back to Montreal.
He’d almost told Rozanov to go to bed, but he wasn’t supposed to know Rozanov had been up all night drinking.
Lily: Sad.
Jane: For you.
Lily: I will make you regret saying that 😈
Shane laughed. He had no doubt.
“Get in the shower!” Hayden yelled through the door. “Stop talking to your not-girlfriend.”
“Lily’s not my not-girlfriend either!”
“Your WHATEVER. Get in the shower!”
He somehow managed to put his phone down long enough to get clean. He checked it again when he got out, but there was nothing. Hopefully Rozanov had gone to bed.
***
The next message did't come until well after lunch time. Shane hadn’t been able to reply until much later, but he was hoping that meant Rozanov had slept.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Why is it called the hair of the dog that bit you?
CatzCatz_Catz
I don’t know. Google can probably tell you. Tell me you aren’t drinking again.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Just a little.
CatzCatz_Catz
That must have been some “just things” if you’re drinking again.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Family bullshit.
CatzCatz_Catz
That’s rough.
DogzDogz_Dogz
They can all fuck off.
CatzCatz_Catz
Somehow I doubt it, if you’re still drinking about it.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Someday I will tell them to fuck off. Till then?
CatzCatz_Catz
As long as it’s not a habit, I guess.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Never. Will not give them the satisfaction.
CatzCatz_Catz
That’s the spirt.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Will not drink myself to death for them. They do not deserve it.
CatzCatz_Catz
I respect that.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Does your family make you drink?
CatzCatz_Catz
I don’t really drink.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Boring.
CatzCatz_Catz
If I have too much or it’s cheap, I get a headache right after drinking it.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Lame.
CatzCatz_Catz
Very.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Your friends must love going out with you.
CatzCatz_Catz
Designated driver. They love me. Not that I go out much. They always want to go someplace obnoxiously loud. I only go if it’s a restaurant and not a bar.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Scott Hunter, is this you?
CatzCatz_Catz
Hunter is working on figuring out Facebook. Reddit is beyond his skillset.
DogzDogz_Dogz
I choked on my coffee. Thank you.
CatzCatz_Catz
My work here is done.
CatzCatz_Catz
Have you eaten a vegetable yet?
DogzDogz_Dogz
I put spinach in my protein shake like a good boy.
CatzCatz_Catz
Good. It's got folate, magnesium and potassium. Good for a hang over.
DogzDogz_Dogz
You know a lot for someone who does not drink.
CatzCatz_Catz
Those friends hit it pretty hard when they go. Next time throw some strawberries in too. Helps with stomach aches.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Sounds gross.
CatzCatz_Catz
You can't taste the spinach if you do that and a banana which is a natural antacid and replaces all the potassium you piss out.
DogzDogz_Dogz
The hangover whisperer!
CatzCatz_Catz
Damned straight.
DogzDogz_Dogz
What does Dr Catz say about bacon cheeseburgers?
CatzCatz_Catz
Protein, salt and carbs are good too. It's why people crave a greasy fry-up when they're hung over.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Is anything bad for a hangover?
CatzCatz_Catz
More alcohol. Coffee.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Wish I would have known before breakfast.
CatzCatz_Catz
Next time.
DogzDogz_Dogz
So what does a dry hangover whisperer do for fun?
CatzCatz_Catz
Phone games, I guess. Sports news. Making fun of houses on Zillow. The usual.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Do you go to The Worst of Zillow?
CatzCatz_Catz
When I'm bored. Usually I just cruise Zillow and see what's available. Mostly in my area.
DogzDogz_Dogz
You looking?
CatzCatz_Catz
Always.
DogzDogz_Dogz
I know a guy who likes real estate too much.
CatzCatz_Catz
Oh?
DogzDogz_Dogz
He bought a place to renovate but really it is for hookups.
CatzCatz_Catz
That's cool, I guess.
DogzDogz_Dogz
It is very uncool.
CatzCatz_Catz
Renovating is an art.
DogzDogz_Dogz
He has yet to fix anything in the building. Been ages.
CatzCatz_Catz
I'm sure he'll get around to it.
CatzCatz_Catz
What do you do for fun?
DogzDogz_Dogz
Cool things. Clubs. Partying. Cars.
CatzCatz_Catz
Sounds nice I guess.
DogzDogz_Dogz
You do not like cool things. This is not my fault.
CatzCatz_Catz
I like plenty of cool things.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Sports news and phone games. I bet you pay for extra turns and equipment.
CatzCatz_Catz
That's cheating.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Ok. You are less lame than I thought.
CatzCatz_Catz
Thank you.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Grinding is honorable.
CatzCatz_Catz
Yes! Thank you! I'm not home much but I play console games too. Mostly on extreme settings because it's more honest than other modes.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Probably on Switch.
CatzCatz_Catz
Fuck you. I have a Switch and an Xbox but mostly it's Playstation.
DogzDogz_Dogz
What's your screen name? I would like to kick your ass.
CatzCatz_Catz
I don't play online.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Not helping yourself look cool.
CatzCatz_Catz
People are just terrible. If I want racism and homophobia I'll go out into the real world, thank you.
DogzDogz_Dogz
I just friendly fire them if they do that. Just play with people you know.
CatzCatz_Catz
I do. When they come over my house.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Lame, lame, lame.
A message preview popped up from J.J.
JJ: Are you fucking coming to dinner or what?
Shane blinked. He hadn't realized it, but he'd been at this for ages.
Shane: Yeah, sorry. Getting my shit together now.
JJ: Quit talking to your not-girlfriend and pay attention to us.
Shane: Sorry, sorry. Lily isn't my not-girlfriend, either.
J.J. I don't care. Come down and eat.
Rubbing the strain out of his his eyes, he put the phone in his pocket and grabbed his coat, ignoring the buzzing saying there was a new message.
JJ was right, this was getting ridiculous. Well, JJ hadn't said it. But the subtext was there in his message about his 'not-girlfriend.' At least... he thought it was. Maybe he was projecting.
***
He managed to not look at his phone through dinner. His leg kept twitching, though. And the food tasted... off. More off than usual. He ate a lot of stuff he didn't necessarily like, as long as it was healthy and not disgusting. There was a lot of food that was on his list of nopes. This wasn't like that. But this stuff tasted...
"You ok?" Hayden asked, snapping Shane out of his thoughts.
"Huh?" He looked up from his plate. "Yeah. Does this stuff taste weird?"
J.J. pushed around his own food with his fork. "Define weird."
"...Not right?" Shane tried.
Hayden laughed. "I mean, it's not great. But it's fine. Is this stuff just on your long list of stuff you don't like?"
Shane shrugged. "I don't know. Everything tastes off." He took a sip of the water. "Even this."
Hayden moved his glass away from Shane's plate and scooted his chair toward J.J. "Well, if you're getting sick or something, stay the hell away from me."
Shane's brow furrowed. He did have the beginnings of a headache. "That could be it."
"Well, I guess see how you feel in the morning?" Hayden advised.
"Yeah. Probably nothing I can do besides that."
"Could just be you not getting enough sleep. Which I'm sure your body isn't used to."
Shane lifted his shoulders in a slow shrug. "Who knows. Listen... this stuff is garbage. I'm going to go back to the room."
J.J. gave him a salute. "Take care. We need you."
"Maybe I just need to go to bed early."
***
Which was how he ended up in bed, on his phone in his DMs again.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Did not mean to be too harsh.
CatzCatz_Catz
I just had to go eat dinner. It was trash though, so I went to bed early. Please don't say anything about me being lame. I might be coming down with something.
DogzDogz_Dogz
That's too bad. Even your immune system is lame.
CatzCatz_Catz
I haven't had so much as a cold in a year, so I guess it's been a good run.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Impressive.
CatzCatz_Catz
Which means it's probably time for me to get a super flu or something and die horribly far away from home.
DogzDogz_Dogz
You are traveling?
CatzCatz_Catz
Unfortunately. I would rather convalesce in my own bed, thank you.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Drunk fluids. Can I recommend spinach and strawberry and banana?
CatzCatz_Catz
I will allow it.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Go to sleep.
CatzCatz_Catz
I do what I want.
DogzDogz_Dogz
If you can make me touch grass I can make you go to sleep.
CatzCatz_Catz
Fair. Rude. But fair.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Good night.
Shane put the phone on the charger and closed his eyes, actually trying to do what Rozanov said.
He wasn't a bad guy. An actual fun conversationalist, when he wasn't sending horny texts with near-constant devil emojis.
Shane realized he'd miss when this conversation ended. And it would. Either Shane would have to own up to what he was doing, or Ilya would figure it out. Or the conversation would just die away.
One of these things was bound to happen.
He heard Hayden coming back in the room at some point, and could hear him puttering around, getting ready for bed, but couldn't actually do anything about it. His whole body was weighed down and heavy. At some point, he did fall back asleep, though, and slept for the rest of the night.
The first alarm went off, and the phone was still in his hand. Somehow he'd slept like that the whole night. But he couldn't quite bring himself to shut off the alarm. Finally, Hayden had to grab his phone and do it.
"You awake?"
Shane let out a very long, audible breath that was supposed to be a response in some sort of way.
"Ok, I'll give you a couple minutes to come back online. Then we'll see how you're doing." He looked at Shane's phone. "You got a few late night texts from Lily. She says she's going to obliterate you. Twice." He squinted at the phone. "That's... a lot of emojis. I'm not sure what story it's trying to tell."
Shane groaned, one hand reaching out of the covers to grab at the phone then missing.
"And DogzDogz_Dogz asking if you're still alive this morning. Why don't you two just text like normal people?" He scrolled through alert previews a little more. "Oh. Something from your mom with an attachment. That's weird."
On the second attempt, Shane grabbed the phone, but it fell out of his hand and landed on the floor.
"Bud... are you alright?"
"Mmft."
Hayden sat on the bed next to him. Soon, the back of Hayden's cold hand was on his forehead and it felt nice. "Ok. Calling the doctor. You're sick for real."
And that is how, despite getting all the necessary vaccinations in anticipation of cold, flu and pneumonia season, Shane ended up bundled off and on his way home, feeling more wretched than he could remember being in ages.
He was masked up, wearing a bunch of layers and spending all of his time over-heated or freezing in alternating turns. Traveling while sick was miserable, but possibly not as miserable as being away from home and sick, so he accepted it.
After a nap on the plane, he managed to be awake enough to finally check his messages. His only response to the texts he'd received was to tell Rozanov to fuck off.
The DM he didn't quite know what to do with. If he admitted to being down with the flu, it would be suspicious timing, if nothing else, with him being out for several games.
CatzCatz_Catz
Thanks for asking. I'm fine. I guess I was just really tired.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Hydrate anyway.
CatzCatz_Catz
I do.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Because you are smart.
CatzCatz_Catz
Oh I'm smart now?
DogzDogz_Dogz
You can be lame and smart.
CatzCatz_Catz
I think I am going back to sleep.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Sure you are not sick?
CatzCatz_Catz
I've been staying up late talking to some guy from Reddit. I think I just need a nap.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Go to sleep.
DogzDogz_Dogz
Feel better, Hollander.
THE END.