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It started off as a joke by Cliff. Most things that are troublesome do. Marley had sent him a link to Hollander’s latest ad campaign: underwear. Then he had the AUDACITY to ask why Ilya didn’t get good campaigns like that. He’d had the CCM partnership for years, but underwear AND Speedo?
First of all: it was excessive. Second of all: Marley had sent him the link before practice. He’d spent the whole afternoon thinking of that fucking, fucking, FUCKING series of photos instead of, oh, HIS FUCKING JOB.
Then Marley had wanted to get dinner.
They’d ended up in the pizza joint with the slimiest pizza in Boston, which Ilya didn’t see as an actual detractor. It just meant using a fuck-ton of napkins.
So while he was wiping his hands for the hundredth time, Marley mused that it was amazing Hollander had time to play hockey, what with being a model and all.
Ilya’s eyes narrowed. “Shut up.”
“What? It’s a legitimate question. And why does he get every national and international campaign known to mankind? I fucking saw his soda ad in Mexico. Your people need to step up, dude. You’re at least as good looking as him.”
“I will not date you,” Ilya teased. “No matter how much you ask.”
“Fuck off. I can recognize when a guy could be a model. Besides, there’s a whole Subreddit dedicated to your shirtless ads. I think you should give them more fodder.”
Ilya rolled his eyes. “I will talk to my people. The problem: they are mostly not here.”
“You need to fix that.” He laughed suddenly. “You know who you need? Hollander’s mom. She isn’t afraid to pimp her kid out. Imagine what she could do for someone NOT related to her?”
Oh that was right. Hollander’s mother did all of his deals. He had an agent, but his mother was always in his shit. He didn’t know how he could forget. There’d been that almost disastrous first hookup where they’d met in the elevator because she was managing everything involving the shoot.
“It figures he is a mama’s boy,” he said, picking a piece of pepperoni off of his pizza. “But very weird that his mother makes him do sexy ads.”
Marley sat back. “Oh, Roz thinks he’s sexy.”
“Fuck off. What I mean is… women like that shit.”
“And gay men. And those non-binaries. And grandmothers and…”
“Yes, yes, everybody likes it when Hollander takes his clothes off. Now tell me about Subreddit dedicated to my shirtless photos.”
***
Which was how he ended up on Reddit on a Friday night while he was lying in bed (tragically, alone) feeling like he was spying on himself.
The ego boost was immense. The women (and some men) were very flattering.
Except for one thing. It was a minor-ish thing. Maybe. But it bothered him. Unnecessarily.
The posts comparing his ads to Hollander’s. Usually they came from people with Hollander-oriented usernames who were trying stir up shit. Game recognized game.
The one that made things go from annoyance to kind of enraged was the thread about Hollander’s smoldering gaze.
That wasn’t smoldering. That was just his face. Hollander aways had this resting face that looked like nothing could affect him. Which was why it was so fucking satisfying to know Ilya could affect him. A lot. Multiple times a night. Then they’d clean up and dress and Hollander would be back to that look. They thought it was smoldering?
Then they compared Ilya’s actual smoldering look to Hollander’s and he nearly ripped his own face off. The two were NOT comparable. Ilya was an expert at smoldering. Hollander was… lucky that’s how they were reading him. That’s all it was.
He read all the comments. Including the ones that said he was probably autistic and that’s why he always looked like that. Those made Ilya laugh. Then think. Then laugh. But who the hell cared?
Still he stared at that non-smoldering face in a cologne ad from a few years prior. Fuck Hollander and that unreadable face. And fuck that face for getting him half-hard from a shoulders-up photo.
Somehow, from there, he found a few crossposts to Shane Hollander forums and he ended up reading all of those comments as well.
Eventually he got a little mad that Shane had more posts than he had in the HollanderPhotosDaily Subreddit than in his own similarly-named Subreddit. But then he started saving a few of them to his locked folder labeled taxes. That made him mad at himself.
They promised they weren’t going to keep photos or texts, but here he was, shoving files in his actual taxes folder. Fortunately, it was last year’s taxes, so there was no real danger of him needing the folder anytime soon.
Why did he have a taxes folder on his phone? He had no idea. Probably to stuff full of photos of Shane Hollander with extremely low-riding jeans shilling soda.
He hated everything in the entire universe.
He managed to hate it even more when he found a thirst thread.
From which he saved four more photos.
If hell was real, he was going there.
No. If hell was real, he was in it.
Especially when he had to take a shower mostly to take care of his problem and wash away the evidence of his crimes. Fuck Hollander SO much and fuck Reddit even harder. The compilations of photos were going to kill him. Why did they have other bring them all together in one place for easy torment.
Thennnn…
He found a thread calling Hollander a psychopath.
He almost laughed. But in his already angry state, it just kind of tipped him over into rage.
It was a photo of Hollander’s resting bitch face. The one the other forums had called ‘smoldering.’
It started with a few upvoted posts defending Hollander. He made sure he was on his burner account then upvoted them as well. But then it was threads and threads of people posting links to pictures or interviews where he had that same stare.
Sure, his interviews were a little monotone. But a psychopath?
Hollander had had plenty of opportunities to kill Ilya, and had never once taken them. Despite owning a murder building and making him come up the back stairs of said murder building.
Then the murderer jokes started. And they mixed with the autism jokes, and then Ilya created a second burner before he realized what he was doing and said that everybody who thought he was a psychopath was a psychopath and that Hollander was just incredibly boring.
His interviews were boring canned responses and his ads were boring and anyone who thought he was a psychopath was probably boring too.
And the people who thought he was autistic were boring as well. And probably autistic. Even though he had no idea what that looked like.
The next thing he knew he was starting a new thread.
He found an old old picture online. One he loved. Because in it, Hollander looked like he was dying. And that was satisfying to watch him die. It was from the draft. Him holding up his new jersey and flashing a number one, and Hollander obviously wanting to melt into the floorboards while flashing a number two.
He searched for that one often and should probably just put it in his taxes folder.
r/HollanderDailyPhotos
DogzDogz_Dogz
HOLLANDER IS BORING AND YOU SHOULD NOT WASTE TIME WITH HIM
Img.jpg
Look at him. He is not a psychopath because he is too boring to be a psychopath. Look at him dying, but he is too boring to die properly and just looks a little uncomfortable. That is professionalism. Not dying when you want to die in public. Being professional is boring. He is boring. You should like better people and have better taste. Even stupid Scott Hunter is more interesting even if he is a hundred years old and looks like he will die at any moment.
Sincerely,
Me
The downvotes started in thirty seconds.
Thennnnn… even though it was one in the morning… he started talking with just about every human being in the comments.
Holl4Ev * 24m ago
Maybe he IS just boring. I mean, his interviews are pretty standard. In English and French. Still pretty to look at.
=>HockeyPhotosRUs * 22m ago
SO pretty. But I don’t buy the people who think his look is smoldering all the time. I think he’s just being boring like Dogz said. Or the people who are saying he’s autistic. He does kind of have a flat effect, if you think about it.
=>DogzDogz_Dogz * 20m ago
He is very, VERY boring and very, VERY pretty. Autistic? I do not know. I do not care. I just care about boring.
=>HollanderLOVE * 18m ago
OH my GOD, everyone stop saying he’s autistic just because he’s always polite and nice to everyone. That’s a smolder, not a flat effect. And he isn’t boring. Saying he’s boring just because he’s kind isn’t cool and isn’t true.
=>DogzDogz_Dogz * 15m ago
It is both true and cool to say because he is.
***
It was three in the morning when the thread reached 900 replies. He may have been like a third of them.
Then he saw his first reply when he was skimming for replies to replies. Did he just say Hollander was pretty?
Well, it was true. And it was a burner account. It wasn’t like anyone would know it was him.
He went to sleep around four, secure in the knowledge that he had done his part to dispel the psychopath rumor, advocate for Hollander’s boringness, and tell people to stop caring about autism.
***
He had to get up early, which made last night’s decision to stay up til four seem… not good.
Also not good? Checking Reddit.
Ilya ate breakfast with his head shoved in his phone and typed replies with food half-hanging out on several occasions.
Then he came to a topic that made him grind his teeth.
IS IT ETHICAL TO OGLE AN AUTISTIC MAN?
These were the questions Reddit asked after dark? First he’d had to look up with ogle meant, before deciding everyone on Reddit was an idiot.
=>DogzDogz_Dogz 15m ago
It is ethical to ogle hot people? Yes. Maybe it is unethical to not ogle autistic people when they are hot? Did you ever think of that?
It wasn’t until after he posted that one that he actually looked up autism. He knew the broad strokes but had absolutely no idea why it would be unethical to objectify people who were autistic.
He read a Wikipedia article, and then clicked on a link at the end of the article and got lost in that until thirty minutes after he should have left.
This is what speeding was for.
***
Speeding only worked until you got into Boston traffic, though. Still. Twenty minutes late wasn’t bad. Did anyone expect him to be on-time? Well, he was always early. So this was like… less early. But it felt like late.
Ugh.
Suddenly Hollander saying after one of their meetings that if you weren’t early, you were late was running through his head and he felt awful about being early-late. Or late-early. Depending on how you looked at it.
“Where have you been?” Marley asked as soon as he entered the gym.
“Your mom’s house,” he replied automatically.
Marley looked a little stricken.
Then Ilya remembered that, like himself, Marley’s mother was gone. “Sorry—sleep was bad last night.”
“Alright, I guess.”
That sounded like sort of an apology acceptance. Maybe the closest he’d get.
“So, I was on Reddit this morning,” Marley said as he stretched.
A knot formed in the pit of his stomach. That burner was fine. Also, he was using a VPN. There was no way Marley knew he’d called Hollander pretty last night. “Yeah? You and half the internet.”
“There’s a huge internet fight about Hollander.”
Ilya put his hands on his hips, in no way getting started. “Why do you keep talking about him? I do not care what his stupid fans do.”
“OH this one was good. They’re saying he’s autistic. Which is hysterical. Then they’re saying it’s wrong to “ogle” an autistic guy…” he paused. “Ogling is when—”
“I know what ogling is,” Ilya said in a short clip.
“Anyways, this guy—and it has to be a guy—says that it’s wrong to NOT ogle an autistic guy, and the whole thread turns into a dumpster fire.”
Ilya rolled his eyes. “So, Hollander’s autistic. Who cares?”
“Ok. So this guy—and it has to be a guy,” he repeated. “His account is like one day old. And he’s started this thread about how Hollander is boring, which is what starts this whole thing. That’s what you say! That’s so wild.”
Gesturing wildly, Ilya tried to sound like he wasn’t panicking. “Everybody says he is boring. It is boring to say he is boring.”
Marley laughed. “Oh my God. You are hysterical. I don’t know who else says he’s boring, but I guess he is. All his stupid interview answers are all the same. Not like yours. They’re the best. Like the time last week when you said the Admirals’ first line was ready for the old folks’ home. Classic. Hollander wouldn’t know a joke if it bit him in the ass.”
Ilya froze. He had said that Scott Hunter was super old last night, hadn’t he? “Why do you watch his interviews?”
“Just when they’re on TV when I’m already watching. What’s crawled up your ass about him?”
“Same thing that is always up my ass about Hollander. He is stupid and boring and has a weak backhand.”
“I’m not sure you can call it weak—”
“WEAK,” Ilya reiterated loudly before becoming very interested in his own stretches all of a sudden.
Marley laughed. “Do you know what I love about you? You’d be full of shit if you didn’t have the talent to back it all up.”
Ilya’s eyes narrowed. “Yes.” Something like that.
***
When he finally, FINALLY got home, he pulled out dinner and looked it over. He wasn’t much of a cook, but the pre-packaged meals from various nutrition firms were all the same, really, and he felt he could do better. First, they all needed salt.
As the food reheated, he pulled out his phone. He hadn’t looked at it all day. Mostly he didn’t know what he’d say anymore. Everyone on the internet was stupid and he was happier when they weren’t saying Hollander was broken in some way that he didn’t care about and he was just mad about super low-cut jeans and underwear ads.
Yes, happier.
Now he had to be mad about stupid people being stupid and saying you couldn’t lust after Hollander because of something that didn’t matter.
Maybe it mattered. Did it matter? He didn’t know. He finished reading the website he’d left off on that morning when he’d realized he was late.
The stuff on the site really did sound like Hollander. But, did it matter?
Probably not.
People acted like having sex with someone who was autistic was coercion or exploitation or something.
He made his own choices about continuing to meet up with Ilya. They both knew it was a terrible idea and they both kept doing it, but he wasn’t forcing anyone into anything. He certainly hadn’t told Hollander to buy a whole building for fucking. That was absurd, but he’d done it himself.
Ilya definitely didn't do that. And Hollander definitely made his own bad choices.
So, like, who cared? He didn’t care. It made him mad that some of those people acted like it made Ilya creepy and weird. And it made him mad that some people acted like Hollander was a little innocent child that need to be protected from the big bad internet.
He was neither of those things. He was… well. He was Hollander. And if they knew him… they wouldn’t say that shit.
Of course, that implied Ilya knew him. He didn’t. He knew he had a murder building and that he folded he clothes before sex and fucked with his socks on. And the moans he made and the things he asked for more of and that pretty and excellent mouth.
That wasn’t really knowing someone.
But he knew Hollander better than Reddit. That was for damned sure.
He steeled himself and went back to that hell hole for some reason he couldn't fathom. No, maybe he secretly knew. He couldn't stand the shit they were saying. His post was locked. Maybe unsurprisingly so. But locked none the less. He read some of the comments from just before it was locked.
Yes. People were batshit insane on this site.
Then because he hated himself, he went back to the ogling post. Not locked. Yet. But a ton of replies were removed. One, he gathered from the responses surrounding it, had gotten... antisemitic? On a post about a hockey player they were accusing of having autism? Fucking Reddit.
After this he was sticking to the cute animal forums.
After he…replied to this asshole.
=>DogzDogz_Dogz 20m ago
Does he have autism? I don’t care. Does it matter? No. He is still boring. And also he is very hot even if autistic. Also autism does not give you unfair advantage in sports. He is very hot but has a weak back hand. If autism gave you unfair advantage he would be leading the scoring race. Autism does not do this. You are thinking of drugs. Also-also, your profile is stupid. No one cares about the fish you caught. Fishing is not a personality trait.
Without looking his post over, he hit send.
Then there was another asshole who was also a dick who said Hollander was “mid, high praise for an Asian.”
Ilya felt something snap in his brain.
=>DogzDogz_Dogz 15m ago
You are not right. Hollander is sexiest man in the league and maybe in professional sports and you would know that if you were not being very dumb about something that doesn’t matter. His freckles are hot. His ass it hot. His abs are hot and his face is hot and you are not a good person who would not know hotness if it bit him in the ass and also you are racist. Please rethink your life before your wife leaves you for the guy whose personality is fishing.
Again he sent it before reading. Mostly because he was incoherent with rage.
He blacked out when he got to the lady who said it was creepy that his mom kept finding him ads where he was mostly naked. And also she would never fuck him because fucking autistic people was creepy too.
He had no idea what he said to that one. Which was disappointing because the post was removed several minutes later.
He did see her reply that she would fuck whomever she wanted.
So he did tell her that he could say with absolute authority Hollander would not fuck her. Ever.
The moderators left that one but had deleted the other. Huh. He must have been really cutting or really incendiary.
After one more asshole said he was asexual anyways because you never heard about Hollander dating, which was good if he was autistic. Ilya slammed his phone on the couch next to him. People were so miserable. He hated them.
=>DogzDogz_Dogz 5m ago
Who cares? Literally. Who cares? No one asked you and only dumb people care. Let the man fuck if he wants to fuck. Autistic people can fuck if they want. Not you, mind you. No one wants to fuck you.
This whole Subreddit was full of unfuckable people. Even the people who were defending Hollander were unfuckable. Not as unfuckable as the shitheads saying shit about autism or being Asian or whatever. But the people saying he was sweet innocent Shane Hollander who needed to be protected at all costs were maddening in a different way that he couldn’t really parse.
He went to bed alone, angry and ready to burn Reddit to the ground.
***
The next day, on the plane, Marley started laughing at his phone.
Ilya did not ask. He was staying off the internet. He'd been warned by the forum moderators that he was on thin ice. Also he couldn't deal with how stupid the internet was. This morning, he'd found some of the posts elsewhere online. A whole NEW set of people were having opinions that he couldn't abide by.
Turning the page of his book, Ilya pretending he didn't notice.
Which became impossible the moment Marley started nudging him. "Great video compilation just hit Reddit. Every time Hollander has quoted random statistics off the top of his head. When you look at them all next to each other, he's like... train schedule autistic."
Ilya grew murderous. "Why do you keep talking about Hollander? I do not care about him and statistics. Caring about him at all is stupid. Only stupid people do that."
Marley laughed again, louder this time. "Brother, I know he gets under your skin, but have a little fun. And now you have something else to chirp him about."
Ilya turned in his seat, dropping the book on his lap. "About being autistic? Is that bad? No. And is just something the internet made up. I only chirp about real things. Like his backhand. Or the stupid face he makes when he scores. Or how he ties his skates. Or how he doesn't--"
Marley shook his head. "Alright, alright. You have a mad-on. But really. These threads are hysterical with everybody fighting. Then there's the guy--he has to be a guy--that keeps like half calling him sexy and half-defending him and half..." he frowned, closed his mouth, and turned back to his phone.
"Half WHAT, Marley?"
Marley's jaw worked a minute, then frowned, trying to be fully invested in his phone.
"That is what I thought," Ilya said darkly.
They didn't speak again until they got into the hotel.
Marley pulled out a clean t-shirt and unfolded it with a type of care Marley normally didn't possess. "Buddy... I didn't mean to upset you with the Reddit stuff. It was supposed to be funny."
"Hollander is not funny," Ilya said in a flat tone.
"I know. Hollander is NEVER funny to you. You take him dead serious. And I get why. You're neck and neck in everything. But... like... if you have a thing for him..."
Ilya's eyes narrowed. "I do not have a thing for him." He threw his hands up in the air, angry and insulted.
"A bunch of posts by..." he pulled out his phone and looked at the username. "DogzDogz_Dogz would suggest otherwise, my friend."
"I am not this Dogz person."
Cliff let out a machine gun-like laugh. "I don't know, pal. He sounds like you. Weak backhand, boring."
"I have never been on Reddit in my life."
"Shut up, I see you scrolling all the time. I think Roz has himself a little burner account." His teasing was light, though, and not accusatory.
That ramped Ilya's anger down just a little bit. "I do not go on Hollander forums."
"Oh come on--this guy stirred up an epic level of shit. Every post on every forum he's been on in the last two days is now locked. Tell me that doesn't sound like you."
"I am a reformed rage-baiter," Ilya said, raising a hand to swear to the truth. He was reformed. As of this morning when he swore off the entire internet.
Marley began changing shirts. "You are so full of shit, brother. Anyways, good job stirring up half of Reddit. It's hysterical how you kept going on about how hot Hollander is. I'd almost believe you were into him." Smoothing out the shirt, he ran a hand through his hair. "I think you'd make a great gay, Roz."
Ilya wanted to scream. It was the only way to release the three days' worth of tension he'd felt. "What is THAT supposed to mean?" He started shoving his things into the dresser drawer. He never did that, and had no idea why he was using the dresser now, but here he was.
"You've got style, and you've got taste." He shook his head. "Hollander? Great taste. The only underwear model who can go head to head with you."
Ilya waved a hand, annoyed. "He is too boring for me, Marley."
Marley found the jeans he was looking for and changed into those as well. "That's what you keep saying. I think it's a selling point."
Ilya ground his teeth together for a moment. "If I was into him, it would just be sexual."
Another clipped laugh came out of Marlow. "Holy shit. Tell yourself that. If you were into him, it'd be the whole package. Boring bits and everything. He gives an interview and you'd be like fuuuuuck. I bet that guy folds his clothes before sex. And I bet you'd be into it, hard. You like kinky shit."
Ilya didn't know whether he'd implode or just die at that comment. "Are we going out or what?"
Marley laughed yet again, and Ilya wanted to strangle him. "Yeah, let me get my shoes. Jesus. You're wound tight. You need to get laid like yesterday."
"Yes. A lot," Ilya agreed. If he encountered one more of Hollander's mostly unclothed ads, he'd lose his mind. This was the distraction he needed.
Sliding on his shoes, Marley looked up. "Alright. So... first guy to pull two girls wins?"
Ilya sniffed. "I will pull two women. You will pull two girls."
"You know what I meant."
"First guy to pull gets the room. Other guy has to figure something out." The usual rules, really.
"I'm feeling good tonight. You're a wound up mess. Chicks know when you're a basket case. It's a turn-off."
Ilya grabbed his jacket. "Enjoy not having the room tonight," Ilya grumbled, walking past him, toward the door.
"Brother, if I had your confidence, I'd pull three ladies tonight," Marley said with a chuckle, heading toward the door. He shook his head, still amused. "I mean, you're not into that. But if you were. Hollander? That'd be cool."
"I'm glad I have your permission," he groused, hand paused and not turning the door knob.
"Aww, Roz, that isn't what I mean. I just mean you two'd be perfect together."
Ilya yanked the door open. "Shut up."
Marlow nudged him. "Ok, ok. I'll stop. But come on. The two best guys getting together? Hot."
"Marlow, if you want him so bad, why don't you go after him?"
Marlow sniffed as they walked down the hall. "Cos I ain't pretty enough. Anyways ain't my fault if you can't see the possibilities. I'm just yankin' your chain anyway. You and Hollander might be hot as fuck but it would fucking destroy the league." He grinned. "Shit. I'd love to see that. You should go after him just as a joke. I wanna watch the league go up like Reddit."
Ilya's hand ran over his face. "Marley, I am not blowing up the league like Reddit. Just shut up and let's get laid." He had to get out of here before he died.
"You're the boss."
"I am."
THE END