Chapter Text
Treatment for the both of them seemed like it would solve all their problems. Sakusa with his OCD and Atsumu with his issues opening up with his boyfriend and internalizing the emotions that come with staying by his side through any and all flare ups and episodes that present themselves.
So, for the entirety of their off season the two of them rented a small apartment in Tokyo, a short walk from Sakusa’s treatment center.
Atsumu’s therapist was farther away, a train ride if he didn’t feel like driving or maybe a longer walk, but he didn't particularly mind. He’s more than happy to make a longer trip himself if it means Sakusa doesn’t have to travel so far each day. Especially not when he has such early mornings and late evenings coming back from his intensive outpatient program.
The two of them fall into a new schedule, one that goes smoothly during the duration of their stay in Tokyo.
Both of them wake up early each morning and eat a quick breakfast made by Atsumu. Sakusa always needs to leave right after to make it on time for his scheduled plan at the treatment center, sometimes going alone but most of the time asking Atsumu to go with him as an additional support before he spends his entire day stuck in those walls, unable to leave until his schedule ends that evening.
While Sakusa spends his day at the treatment center, Atsumu spends his by busying himself with errands or cleaning up around the apartment. Eventually, as he always runs out of things to do, he’ll spend time with their cat that they brought with them, playing with them until it’s time for Atsumu’s own therapy appointment.
Around dinner each day Atsumu gets in the car and drives the short distance to pick Sakusa up, the man always too drained to manage even the short walk on his own back to their apartment.
Once at home they’d eat the dinner Atsumu had ready for them, both of them sitting in silence, the only noise being that of their cat running around or begging for a bite of their meals. After eating, the two clean up the dishes, get ready for bed, then Atsumu watches as Sakusa practically collapses onto the bed and immediately falls asleep, only to repeat the same schedule the next day.
Honestly, Atsumu wouldn’t be sure of Saksua’s treatment doing much of anything if it weren’t for the small but intentional efforts that Atsumu can see him putting in. Doing things like waiting a few minutes to wash his hands after coming home rather than immediately doing so, eating leftovers instead of throwing them away, and what is secretly Atsumu’s favorite and the action he always treasures the most from his boyfriend, making an effort to initiate contact at least once a day.
Before too long, Sakusa’s time at the treatment center comes to an end and the two of them are headed back to Osaka, just in time for training to start for the upcoming volleyball season.
Atsumu, having felt himself starting to do much better mentally after starting with his therapist, someone who can speak to about his worries and grievances, who can help Atsumu know how to best help Sakusa, chooses to continue on with therapy with virtual visits after they get back home.
Sakusa, feeling like he’s gotten all the tools he needed to do better during his stay at the treatment center, chooses to stop his own therapy.
If Atsumu could go back in time, if he could just give a word of warning to his past self of what is to come, he would have forced Sakusa into a program kicking and screaming if he had to.
—
It starts like everything significant does in Atsumu’s life. With a call to his twin brother.
It had been a long day of practice and Sakusa has been having a flare up for the longest time. Something to do with a theme he doesn’t bother telling Atsumu about, likely harm if his sudden aversion to sharp objects and a desire to lock himself away is anything to go by.
The man had been doing so much better for so long, it was disheartening for Atsumu to see his slip back so aggressively.
But, like his therapist always says, healer isn’t a linear pathway and there are going to be drawbacks in treatment. Atsumu reassures himself that this is simply just one of the setbacks, that before long Sakusa will be back on the road to healing and they can start getting better once again.
This particular day Atsumu was proud because for the first time in weeks, Sakusa said he was going to do something other than lock himself away at home immediately after practice was over. The other man had said that he missed the outdoors and wanted to go on a walk.
Atsumu, of course, offered to go with him, but Sakusa declined leaving for an unknown amount of time when Atsumu spends his evening on the phone with his brother.
“So, speakin’ of relationships,” Osamu starts on the other end of the phone. “How is Sakusa-san doin’? I know ya mentioned he was havin’ a hard time again.”
Osamu, while still vocal about his distaste about how much Atsumu has to give up in his relationship, after doing some research has calmed down and warmed to the idea of his twin and Sakusa being together long-term.
Not like he had much of a choice, Atsumu would be hard pressed to give up Sakusa any time soon, not when the man is the love of his life.
“He’s doin’ a bit better actually! Went out today on his own and everythin’ so I think he’s practicin’ his exposure therapy fer this theme. I wish I could have gone with him but he was set on bein’ alone.”
“Probaby got tired of seein’ only ya all day every day and needed a break.” Osmau teases.
“Shut up, I’m wonderful ta have around and Omi knows it!”
“Sure that’s why he’s not there right now, right?”
Atsumu doesn’t bother to respond, just changing to subject to Osamu’s own love life.
“Speakin’ of romance and shit, how are ya and Sunarin doin’?” He questions.
“Ah, that’s right I almost forgot ta tell ya. Rin and I are actually seein’ someone else now.”
“What!” Atsumu screeches, he can practically see his twin wincing at the volume of his shout. “Ya and Sunarin broke up? Since when?”
Osamu grumbles something unintelligible before responding. “No ya scrub, we’re seein’ someone new together. Like three of us at once.”
“Like for sex? Which I don’t wanna hear about so don’t take that as an invitation ta tell me about yer sex life.”
“Like fer life. Rin and I really like him and have for a while.” He pauses before continuing. “Sex is just a bonus.”
“Stop that thought right there, I already know too much about ya and Sunarin, I do not wanna know anything more about this mystery person.”
“It’s not much of a mystery ya know. Rin and I have been very obvious about how we feel about Toya, yer just too stupid ta see us doin’ so.”
“Toya?” Atusmu scrunches his face, trying to think about why that name sounds so familiar.
All of a sudden it hits him. “Toya, as in Motoya as in Omi’s cousin?”
“The one and only.” Atsumu can hear the smugness through the phone. “Ain’t no way ya managed ta get him ta date two scrubs like ya.”
“I got the pictures ta prove it. Wait, he’s texin’ I’ll see if I can add him to the call.”
Atsumu waits while his brother messes around with his phone, busy planning out what he’s going to make his boyfriend for dinner.
Since Sakusa’s been doing so much better, he thinks he’ll do something with his favorite food umeboshi added in, as a way to show how proud he is of him stepping out of his comfort zone and working on his OCD, even when it’s been so hard.
“Tsumu,” Osamu interrupts his thoughts. “Toya was textin’ ta ask if ya knew where Sakusa-san is, apparently he’s no answerin’ his phone when Toya calls.”
“He’s out on a walk, did ya tell him I told ya that already?”
“Yeah but he’s actin’ worried, I think he’s stressed about everything that’s happened recently with his health. It’s gotta be hard not seein’ yer family in person fer so long.”
“Yeah…” Atsumu drifts off, something nagging at him from Osamu’s words.
Sakusa always answers Motoya when he calls, with no exceptions. While he likes to act annoyed by his cousin, Atsumu knows just how much he means to the other and how unlikely it is for him to be ignoring any messages or calls from the other.
For him to be not answering his phone would need to be dead or broken, every other time he answers Motoya without fail.
Atsumu frowns, casting a glance outside the window.
He supposes it is getting pretty late, and while the sun sets early in the winter it’s darker than he’s really comfortable with being out alone at night. Let alone Saksua who could be in any state right about now.
“Samu, I’m gonna go. I’ll try and call Omi and see if he answers me.”
The other twin can tell something’s wrong by the tone of Atsumu’s voice, quickly wishing him a goodbye and hanging up.
Atsumu stands, pacing around the apartment as he rings Saksua’s phone. It rings and rings until the familiar click of the line being moved to voicemail overtakes it.
He hangs up and tries again, listening with growing dread in his stomach as it once again goes to voicemail.
“Fuck, where the hell are ya?” Atsumu curses, sliding open his location app and checking where his boyfriend could be.
While it loads Atsumu watches as a notification from Saksua’s messages drops down, the blonde not even blinking as he quickly taps it open.
His heart stops at the words when he finally reads them, nausea bubbling inside him and his stomach clenches with fear.
Omi-Omi:
I love you, I’m sorry.
“What the fuck, what the fuck?”
He swipes back to the location app, his feet already moving when he sees Sakusa’s location in the middle of a bridge flowing over the river, a good ten minute run from here, even if he was sprinting.
Atsumu wastes no time grabbing his keys and going for his car. While it would be a ten minute run it’s a quick five minute drive, one he will make much quicker and be able to get to his boyfriend in around two if he’s pushing it.
By some miracle he’s met with no traffic on the way there, the two lights that blocked the path to the nearby waterway blessedly being green.
“Please, fuck please not him. Please not Omi.” Atsumu prays to any god he can think of, speeding into a parking spot and hardly remembering to put his car into park before jumping out and sprinting to a familiar figure standing too close to the bridge’s rails.
“Omi!” He shouts and he crashes into him, arms wrapping around his middle like a vice and he clutches him against his chest.
“Atsumu, no, stop! I’m a monster, I need to!” He scrambles, trying to claw his way out of Atsumu’s embrace.
“No, Omi yer the one who needs ta stop! What’s wrong, I swear we can talk it over together, we can figure this out but don’t do anythin’ we’ll regret!”
“Stop, let me go! Let me go, I need to do it! I need to! I need to! I’ll kill someone, I’m a monster!” Kiyoomi only screams, fighting against Atsumu as he drags them away from the bridge and onto the concrete path on solid ground.
Atsumu collapses on his knees, taking Sakusa down with him while still keeping him trapped in his arms.
He holds him until the frantic shoves and scratches turn into pitiful taps and weak movements, Sakusa having tired himself out.
Atsumu releases him enough to turn him around, hands coming and cupping around his face, skin cold from the harsh bite of the winter air.
“Omi, why?” Is all Atsumu can manage before a sob rips its way free of his throat.
Sakusa quickly follows suit, crying into Atsumu’s palms that still press firmly against his cold face, the warmth of them shocking Atsumu where the hit is hands.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Sakusa cries, forcing himself forwards and into Atsumu’s arms.
The blonde holds his close, cradling him against his chest and bringing a hand up to run soothingly though his messy head of curls.
Atsumu waits until they both settle down before addressing his next question to Sakusa.
“Omi,” He calls, moving back and recapturing Sakusa’s face in between his hands. “Ya gotta tell me what’s wrong. I don’t know how ta help ya.”
The other man nods, a small thing that Atsumu might not have noticed at all if not for the slight movement of his head moving taking Atsumu’s hands along with it.
“I… I’m sorry. I just– I just got in my head, I keep having these horrible thoughts and nothing I do makes them go away and I needed them to stop because if they keep happening then I’m going to listen to them and do something to someone, so I thought…” He drifts off, sniffling and pushing his face against Atsumu’s palm.
“So ya thought ya’d kill yerself before ya could hurt someone? Omi ya know that those thoughts are who ya are, ya’d never hurt someone like that.”
“I know, I know but I also don’t. It’s like logically I know that they’re just my brain fucking with me, but I can’t help but take it as gospel.”
Atsumu sits with him for another moment, just gazing at the beautiful face of his lover, perfect even in his current state.
A shiver from him interrupts Atsumu’s musings. “Come on, Omi, let’s get in the car and get the heater goin’. It’s freezin’ out here.”
Sakusa complies without any complaints, allowing Atsumu to hold him close until he’s bucked safely in the car that Atsumu never remembered to turn off, hot air blowing and thawing out his frigid body.
Atsumu walks to the driver's seat, collapsing in it and shutting the door closed behind him. He subtly locks the doors and sets the child lock on, just in case Sakusa gets any ideas and tries to make a break for it back to the bridge.
The two sit in silence for a while, Atsumu trying to breathe through the panic he’s felt so much of over the past half hour and Sakusa gazing at him with a conflicted look in his eyes.
“Omi, ya gotta go back ta the treatment center. I don’t know how ta help ya with this.” Atsumu breaks the silence, hands on the steering wheel and eyes staring blankly ahead.
“I know.” Sakusa’s reply is breathed out, near silent in the car.
“Full time. It’s never gotten this bad and when ya make an attempt ya gotta stay in there twenty-four seven.”
“I know.”
“And ya gotta keep up therapy after too, treatment ain’t gonna stop again.”
“I know.”
“And I love ya, so much Omi.” Atsumu says, tearing up. “If ya died I don’t know what I would do with myself. I’d lose a piece of myself with ya.”
Sakusa chokes on a sob, his hand coming up and grasping at Atsumu’s own on the steering wheel.
“I love you too. I promise this won’t ever happen again. I swear to you.”
“Ya swear?” Atsumu asks.
“Yes.” Sakusa nods.
“Okay, then I need ta ta show me, I need ya ta get better and not stop when it gets hard. I need ya ta talk ta me and yer therapist. Omi I need ya ta live.”
“I swear it.” He breathes back, eyes glistening with tears.
Atsumu only nods, flipping the car into reverse and backing out onto the road to drive back to their apartment, and then, after their bags are packed, to Tokyo.