Chapter Text
A few hours later, Elliot wakes up with his eyes crusty from crying so much, and dried tear tracks on his cheeks. It fills him with embarrassment, remembering what had just happened beforehand. It kind of feels stupid now looking back on what he tried to do. Trying to take his own life wasn’t even a thought he thought he could have until now, and it was kind of terrifying that he even considered it. Yet the thought still lingered, even now. No. It wouldn’t be fair to the others. He forgot about it back then, but it would only cause more suffering to everyone else, and that’s the thing he wanted to avoid in the first place.
Not to mention the fact that Chance saw everything and had to deal with Elliot's childish outburst. God. He’s not sure if he’ll ever forget this kind of shame. But Chance’s words nag at the back of his mind, “have some more grace for yourself”, right? Elliot takes a deep breath, and reminds himself that it’s okay.
Chance is loudly snoring next to Elliot, limbs tangled around him in a definitely uncomfortable position. But he seems at peace, for the most part. Elliot’s lucky to have such amazing friends like them, everyone here is amazing. He can’t believe they’re trapped here along with him. They didn’t deserve this fate. None of them are inherently evil. They're just normal people like him. So how could they be stuck here in eternal damnation? Elliot can pick his own character apart and reason that he could deserve it. Maybe it was his fault they were stuck here all along. And now he's back at square one, freaking out once again.
Why does this keep happening? No matter what he knows now, he still feels like a total failure. Shouldn’t it all be better now that he’s gotten confirmation that he actually isn’t? Nope. His stupid brain continues to betray him. He keeps thinking how Chance is still disillusioned and tricked by his facade. About his mistakes here and in his regular life. Literally everything negative under the sun. Thinking, thinking, thinking… over and over. Stopping this constant misery doesn’t seem possible.
Elliot must be insane. Even after being comforted, he still needs more. It’s selfish. It makes him feel like there really never was any hope for him. If he can’t find a way to fix himself, how could he go on? Why weren’t things just magically better? It’s infuriating, and thinking about it is making his head and heart hurt once more.
“Ell?” A sleepy voice mumbles.
Oh right, Chance is still here. Elliot got caught in his head, like usual.
Chance isn’t sleeping anymore, but they don't make any move to budge from their position. They continue to hold Elliot, letting him rest in the comfort of their arms. It's perplexing. Chance saw every part of Elliot, his flaws, his thoughts—the real him. Yet he still stays.
Somehow, Chance seems to notice his shift in emotion. They try to get his attention again.
“Ell, I can hear you overthinking. What’s up?”
“It’s just…” Elliot exhales, gathering up his courage. “I don’t know. I’m sorry Chance. I don’t know what I was thinking earlier, I was just being stupid and–” Chance holds up a hand.
“Let me stop you right there. First, you were well overdue for a breakdown. You work harder than all of us, believe me. You shouldn’t apologize for having feelings. It wasn’t stupid at all. Although you probably should have told us sooner how you were feeling, it isn’t just a one way thing. We shouldn’t have let it get this far in the first place. I shouldn’t have.”
“I know but– ugh. It just feels like it's not that big of a deal, and I just embarrassed myself for no reason... I don’t know…”
Chance’s eyes soften in understanding, seemingly able to see what Elliot’s thinking. “Hey, remember when I told you about Itrapped?”
Elliot is shocked. Chance usually never brings up the name of his toxic ex-bestfriend, except for that one night Chance finally decided to tell him his backstory before coming here. Elliot remembered that night very vividly, grateful he was able to lend a listening ear—as well as learn more about Chance.
“Yea, I remember. Why?”
“Did you think it was embarrassing when I sobbed all over you? Was it stupid when I told my tragic backstory to you? Did you think it was my fault that he betrayed me? That I was naive, or that it ‘wasn’t that deep’?”
“W– OF COURSE NOT! It wasn’t your fault at all, much less anything you just said. We talked about this Chance! It was terrible what he did to you, and you didn’t deserve it at all. Why would you even ask me that?!” Elliot might be able to sympathize with many people, but Itrapped was a different story. It may be biased, but he can’t seem to find the good side of him after Chance told Elliot everything. After they were so vulnerable, pouring out their darkest thoughts and doubts.
“Exactly. Now take what I just said and apply it to your situation. It isn’t any different from yours. Do you see now how silly it is to think everything that just happened was stupid?”
Once again Elliot is caught off guard. Where he would vehemently deny the fact his situation could be compared to someone else's, he can’t help but see the logic behind their statement. Somehow, having the perspective flipped back at him was what he needed to feel at least a bit better about breaking down. Chance may not often show it, but he’s pretty smart. Frustratingly, at this time. Still, he concedes and nods.
“I suppose so…”
“Hah, damn right.”
“It helps to think of it that way, but… I just feel like everything is hopeless still. Like, I know that I’m being too harsh on myself, but that doesn’t stop my thoughts at all. And– everything just feels too big, thinking about what comes next and if I’ll ever feel a semblance of normality again.”
“And that’s exactly why ya’ should go talk to everyone else.”
Oh god, the others. He almost forgot that everyone probably witnessed him checked out after the round. Shame suddenly floods back into him, with a hint of panic behind it. How will he face everyone after what just happened? Once again he’s panicking. Nobody ever knew of his struggles, and he wanted to keep it that way. If he tells them, the outcome is a gamble. How would they react? The task of saying a single word to them seems insurmountable to even imagine.
“I… I can’t.”
“Elliot, everyone is rightfully worried about you. They don’t know what you just told me, so they are even more scared about what happened. You can’t just leave them in the dark, otherwise this is gonna happen again and lead to something even more… drastic… than you just tried to do.”
Elliot swallows, breaking eye contact with Chance.
“I… I didn’t want to make them worry. But, Chance, I showed so much weakness to them. What if they don’t trust me now, or treat me differently? They’ll definitely think I’m a burden…” Elliot bites his lip, hugging himself. The anxiety is getting to him, playing out multiple worst-case scenarios in his head. But before he can spiral any further, Chance snaps him out of it.
“Not worry? You can’t stop people from doing that, it’s natural. You worry about them, so of course they’ll worry about you." Chance puts a hand on his shoulder, “C’mon, we just talked about not bottling up your feelings. You won’t know how they'll feel unless you ask them. Trust me, I know that they all feel the same as me. You are more loved and valued than you think.”
Chance knows exactly how to make Elliot feel all warm and fuzzy inside, he’s so grateful for them.
“Plus, once again, you don’t have to hide anymore. Despite how much you talked about the ‘real you’ being different, I don’t think that’s true at all. You’ve got to stop assuming others’ ideas of you. You can never know what someone are thinking unless they tell you. Living in constant fear of being perfect has caused a lot of pressure for you. You can’t keep hurting yourself with assumptions like this. Please, just do this final thing for me and trust me. The others will surprise you. And if they don’t? This gambler’s got some tricks up his sleeve!” Chance grins, flexing his muscles goofily.
Elliot laughs weakly. He knows Chance is right. So, he has to be strong. Yet he still feels terror spreading through his entire body. He feels like he would rather be in an LMS with every killer than step inside the main cabin. Which is crazy. How can he be more scared of a conversation than literal death? Insane.
“I… I’m scared.” He mutters, almost unintelligible.
“Then do it scared. That’s what I always do. Gambling with your life isn’t the most relaxing activity, contrary to popular belief.” Elliot rolls his eyes, typical Chance.
“Dork.” He sucks in a breath, trying to hype himself up. Do it scared. Do it scared. He repeats it in his head, mustering all of his courage. Still, he finds himself hesitating.
“Seriously? You’ve run away from murderers for so long now. It’s always scary to face death and pain, but you do it anyway and keep moving on. I know you can do it Elliot. You just need to take that first step.”
Elliot stares into Chance's eyes. He doesn’t know what he’s looking for, but he seems to be assured anyways. The terror still runs deep through him, but he doesn’t feel glued in place anymore. Everyone here has had a tough time. They’ve opened up to him, in some way or another. He owes them this. Elliot needs to be honest.
“...Ok, I think I’m ready.”
“That’s my Ellie.”
They finally untangle themselves from the shoddy bed, taking a quick pit stop to treat and bandage Elliot’s wounds from the glass shard before anything else. Elliot almost forgot about the injuries, but now that he’s actively thinking about them, they throb with a burning pain. Thankfully they weren’t that deep, but still. It almost got his mind off talking to the others. Almost. Yet everything is taken care of way too soon, and they begin to make their way to the main cabin.
It’s definitely earlier than before, and Elliot hears the muffled voices of his friends drift from the door. They usually leave the door open, he’s not sure when it started, but it’s nice. It feels less daunting to go inside, with the openness practically inviting you in. Elliot pauses in front of it, taking a moment to soak everything in.
Chance nudges him onwards, and they pass the threshold.
Elliot instantly sets his eyes on a familiar blue pumpkin, Dusekkar, who looked up from his book after hearing their footsteps.
“Ah, Elliot, glad to see you are doing well, the others and I have been waiting for a spell.”
The room has now gone silent, and he spots everyone else in the couch area, staring at him. They all look a bit tired, and Elliot now understands they were waiting a long time.
Elliot rubs the back of his neck abashedly. His fingers catch on the bandages and he jolts. He’s suddenly aware of how pitiful he must look, with his red-rimmed eyes and unkempt appearance.
“Sorry to make everyone wait…”
“No need to apologize, It was quite the scare what arised. Still, I think we should discuss your ails, care to give us the details?
Elliot nods, and he and Chance move to sit down. Nobody speaks, waiting for Elliot to start. It’s sweet how they aren’t immediately pressuring him or bombarding him with questions before he can start explaining. His hands are a bit shaky, and it feels like his throat is clogged up. Chance notices him looking for reassurance, and gives him a small smile. He almost forgot. Do it scared.
“Right. I know I owe everyone an explanation for um… what happened yesterday.” He takes a pause, risking a glance at the rest of the survivors. They are patiently waiting for him to continue. Right. It’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with telling others how you feel, everyone else does it. It shouldn’t be any different for him. Yep, he just needs to drop his mask. Let everyone see how he looks inside. No defense. No guards. Everyone will see, well, everything. And he’ll just have to deal with whatever happens after. No big deal. Haha…
…It’s a big deal.
Great. Now the silence has definitely stretched on too long. People are starting to look worried. He clears his throat, and begins again, “Sorry. I really don’t know how to do this, and I’m kind of freaking out. I guess that’s where I should start. As you all know, I really like helping people. I’m seen as generally just a happy-go-lucky person, never getting mad, and always being positive. And, while that’s still what I am at my core, lately I’ve… not been feeling that way.” Chance puts their hand on top of Elliot's, giving it a squeeze.
“I’ve been nice to others for so long, letting people always have the upper hand, caring for someone else’s smile more than mine. After a while, I guess it got tiring. I started to get snappy before I ended up here. Annoyed at tiny little things. Not acting like ‘myself’ to others. People were starting to become worried, and I really beat myself up about it. Looking back at it now, I probably should have taken that as my sign to take a break. Maybe focus on myself and take a paid leave.” Everyone shared glances. They knew Elliot wasn’t the type of person to even consider ‘taking a break’—an unhealthy habit of his.
“Yet, I just thought I wasn’t trying hard enough. Nothing bad had happened to me recently, so what was even wrong with me? I didn’t know. I needed things to go back to normal, I couldn’t accept this ‘new’ version of myself. So I forced myself to keep acting positive and normally, putting on a mask, since I didn’t feel at all like myself anymore. I thought it had worked, since it became so normal that even I forgot it was there. But… then I ended up here with everyone else and everything was thrown off.” He stopped and took a deep breath.
“I know I haven’t shown it, but being here hurts me too. I didn’t allow myself any moment to process I had just been ripped from my life, my family, and my home. I’m sure some of you guys haven’t even fully processed it yet. But I could see how it was hurting everyone here. I thought that I could be the comfort that all of you deserved. I had always been the comforter, and I clinged to that normality, even as I felt everything crumbling around me. As unhealthy as it might have been, I felt like I couldn’t do anything else in a situation like this. Hiding my emotions and taking everything out on myself seemed to have worked so far. I kept holding onto the hope that I could keep doing it forever. Now I know it was all for naught. And, um, yesterday with the new killer and everything… I guess it just came to a breaking point.” He chuckles awkwardly.
No one else laughs.
“Truly, that was one of the scariest rounds I’ve been in. It threw in a new mechanic to stop my pizzas from healing, and it made me feel so useless. We also have Veeronica now, and I was really worried about her first round, I wanted to keep her alive. But she died, just like everyone else in the round. I can’t even describe what I felt when I saw all the dead bodies on top of the castle.” He shudders, now a bit nauseous remembering it.
“Yea. After that, I kind of just… decided to stop trying. It’s clear that nothing I do now is useful to anyone, and that my positivity was all for nothing. Even so, as much as being positive was a facade, my desire to help you guys definitely isn’t. It’s my purpose here. Nobody except for Builderman is a healer, and even then we rarely get put into rounds together. This role is definitely stressful, and I just keep berating myself for all of my failures.” Multiple people look like they want to object, but Elliot continues, lost in his spiral.
“I feel like when you guys die, it’s my fault, and I should have done better. I mess up so many times. I die first at the start of most rounds. I don’t even know how you guys put up with me, honestly…” He feels his eyes starting to burn, threatening tears.
“Elliot.. what? How could you say that?!” 007n7 exclaims, being the first to speak up.
“Seven is right, Elliot. You’re one of the most valuable people on our team. We would lose so many rounds without you, you have saved me more times than I can count.” Guest levels Elliot with a fierce gaze, making sure he knows how serious he is. Still, Elliot doesn’t believe it. He feels frustration grow inside him. Are they blind? Any smart person could tell he isn’t worth the effort.
"I… I just don’t get how you guys don’t see it. My aim is terrible! I miss like all of my pizza throws. Then John Doe puts a digital footprint over it. Then 1x1x1x1 guards it. Then C00lkidd aims his walkspeed override. Can't you see that I'm useless? You guys just waste more of your health trying to get my healing, and by then it's not even worth it. You make the effort to still try to combat my defectiveness, and you usually die for it. Now, with the new killer, I can't even heal you at all if you get hurt. So what good even am I?! I'm just a deadweight.” Elliot looks down at the floor, tears brimming in his eyes.
Lost in the moment—and figuring he already let everything out so what’s one another—Elliot finally speaks what’s been repeating in his mind since the very beginning of it all.
“I shouldn't even be here….” Silence once again fills the room. Elliot knows there’s no coming back from this now. Especially with what he says next.
“...I shouldn't be alive.”
They all stare in disbelief at Elliot's confession.
"That's how you've been thinking about your aid, no regard for your efforts made?" Dusekkar's flame dims in despair.
"Really man? You're like one of the most OP characters on our team! If I must admit, better than me– The greatest swordsman on the heights!" Builderman elbows Shedletsky’s side, glaring at him. Shedletsky looks sheepish.
Elliot suddenly feels Guest’s gaze on his bandaged neck and hand. He can see the wheels turning in the soldier’s brain, clicking together the pieces. “Wait, so that crash last night, that wasn’t… right Elliot? Tell me you didn’t–”
Shoot. They found out. Elliot takes a deep breath. He doesn’t really want to tell them this, but he thinks they deserve to know. He’s already being so open, what’s another nail in the coffin?
“I did. Earlier, when you guys left me to recover, I shattered the water glass beside my bed. Then, I picked up a glass shard and… tried to slit my throat.”
Sharp gasps echo throughout the cabin. They all knew life here was hard to live. Going through endless deaths and trauma, again and again. But through relying on each other, it hadn’t crossed anyone’s mind recently to even think of dying outside of a round. Now, the one they thought was the least to do this, just admitted to not only thinking about it—but actually trying to go through with it. One thought echoed in everyone’s mind:
What would have happened if he succeeded?
They respawn in regular rounds, but what about here? Not to mention he wouldn’t die at the hands of a murderer, but himself. Would it change anything? The what-ifs were terrifying. But before anyone could say another word, Elliot continued, trying to save some face.
“I know, I’m sorry. I wasn’t in the best headspace. Thankfully, Chance stopped me, and I’m glad he did. I don’t know what I was thinking, but now I know that what I’ve been doing isn’t healthy at all. But even now, I feel like such a burden telling you guys this. It honestly feels embarrassing. I mean– everyone else surely has bigger issues than I do. I didn’t have a hard life growing up. I haven’t even had anything that traumatic happen to me aside from this hell. Yet here I am, having this major freak out, pathetic right?”
“No, Wh- Elliot, that’s not path-pathetic at all! Why would you ever think that?” Elliot’s never heard Noob be so sure of something. He does admit that maybe the expectations he holds himself to might be insane, but… it’s all he knows.
“And that’s just the thing. Maybe the way I treat myself isn’t good, but in my head, I feel like I deserve it. That I need to bottle everything up. That nobody should hear my problems. It’s not fair to myself, I guess, but it’s definitely not fair to you guys. I know I should’ve told someone about this sooner, but… I don’t know. You guys definitely care about me, right? Yet the voice in my head tells me otherwise, and I can’t help but listen to it. But yea, that’s everything. I’m really sorry to everyone, you guys didn’t deserve to have to go through this and listen to my ramblings. You all have your own problems of course, and I’m just making a big deal out of nothing. But you all deserve to know. It’s truly alright if you guys decide not to put up with me anymore after this, I promise. I–”
“Let me stop you right there.” Builderman's booming voice cuts across the room, stopping Elliot in his tracks.
"Elliot. You must realize how much you are truly worth. All of those thoughts in your head aren't doing you any favors. We all make mistakes, that's just human nature for ya'.” Builderman makes eye contact with him. His stare is a bit intimidating, but Elliot can tell he means well.
“Promise. None of this makes you weak or pathetic like you think. You shouldn’t compare yourself to others. Your own experiences do matter, no matter how silly you think they are.” Everyone nods their heads in agreement.
“We're all glad you decided to open up. It’s incredibly brave of you to do this and allow us to try and help you. You don’t have to carry the world on your shoulders. Allow us to share the burden, as well as be there to take some burden off of you.”
“He’s right.” Guest interjects. “It doesn’t matter if tomorrow all of your abilities are stripped away. It's your amazing self, the one inside you, that matters. You would still care for us either way and do your best to help, like you always do. We all know that isn't fake either. Your brain is just trying to convince yourself you are nothing, something that’s not true at all. Don’t listen to it. Everybody messes up, or fails to help sometimes. Even though our abilities are different from yours, the fact still stands that they aren’t perfect. It made them that way, and you shouldn’t take that limitation as a fault of your own.”
“Yea!!” Chance continues, "I know there've been plenty of times where we all failed to help you and let you die. Aren’t you mad at us? Don't you believe we are stupid, or even worthless for messing up when you need it the most?”
“What? NO!” This again? Elliot doesn’t know where Chance is going with this. Does he seriously believe Elliot would think of them or anyone else that way?
“So…” Chance drawls on, smirking like he just caught Elliot in his trap, “How is your case any different? I just explained to you a scenario that’s exactly what you are saying about yourself, but a different person.”
Ah, right. He can feel the wheels in his brain turning. It seems like such a small thing, in retrospect, but it still helps.
“Do you see now? You’re worth everything to us Elliot. We wouldn't be the same without you.”
“That applies for the rest of us too. This bond we have now is stronger than everything else. We are all here, heartbroken, because we care so deeply about you. Please, I know it's hard. But put yourself in our shoes. If say, Noob, told you he felt this way, how would you feel?”
Elliot ponders Builderman’s question and finds himself saddened at ever thinking Noob could be feeling that way. So many people have given him a different perspective to look at, and while it works, there’s a part of him that just disagrees no matter what they say.
"Everyone has their own struggles, and that’s natural. No matter how high of a standard you hold yourself too, you won't ever reach it because it’s not real. We make mistakes. We fail sometimes. But we learn, and we grow, and we try again.”
Elliot knows this. And he certainly feels better, but it’s not enough. Will it ever be?
“I know these words won't make the thoughts inside your mind instantly vanish. Knowing all this doesn't make it better, I can confirm. But if you just try to act on it and find out, I think things might change for the better. We are all here for you. Not for your pizza, no matter how delicious it is—if I do say so myself.” He winks and Elliot chuckles wetly, the others also letting out a few giggles.
“Jokes aside, we love you Elliot. Anytime you feel this way you need to let us know. It doesn't matter how difficult it is. How sad it might make us feel, we deserve to know so we can help you. You need to hear just how amazing you are. It may be hard to believe for you, but to us, it’s the simplest fact in the world. If you just ask us, we can tell you everything that we know is true about you, all in a different way. You mean so much to us.” Builderman gestures to the group, and Elliot sees the truth in his words. They all look at him like he matters. For the first time, Elliot can recognize the care in everyone’s eyes. How could he have missed it? It was almost unfair he could never see it until now.
“Finally, it should never be embarrassing to communicate how you are feeling. It isn’t a burden to have us listen to your struggles, and if it is, we would tell you or direct you to someone else. I guarantee the outcome would be way better than any bad scenario you’ve ever imagined. After all, how would you know what will happen if you never ask? I’m sure you were scared coming in here, but do you still feel that way now, after everything?”
Elliot takes a moment to ponder Builderman’s question. And he finds that he doesn’t. His hands have stopped shaking. His throat is clear. He slowly nods.
And just like that, the tension is broken. Everyone scrambles to tell him what they’re thinking, now that Elliot is finally done telling his story.
“I know we aren’t on the best of terms, but I understand what you are going through Elliot. I’m always here if you ever want to talk. Even though I’ve made it seem like I don’t in the past, I do care about you, Elliot.”
“🫵🟰😎💕😁🤩‼️‼️🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂”
“Two Time agrees, your caring nature is one that is deeply valued. The spawn surely has blessed you courteously.”
“You make the best chicken ever, without your cooking we would be toast!!”
“When my powers are not sufficient, you are always there to supplement it. Your presence means more than you can comprehend, you have always comforted us to no end. Thanks are not enough, as we could never repay all your love.”
“I still remember when it was just the two of us here. I was panicking really bad, but you never gave up on me and always talked to me. I don’t think I could have made it this far without you, thank you Elliot.”
“I know we haven't known each other for a long time, but you were really helpful to me Elliot. I was so scared, and even though you were scared too you went out of your way to help me. That means more to me than you would ever know.” Elliot feels hot tears rush to his eyes again, he didn’t expect someone he just met like Veeronica to say that to him.
Everyone continues to give him compliments, reminiscing about times that he saved them or really impacted them. He never knew just how much he meant to everybody. His heart feels so full, for the first time in a while. Elliot realizes now just how much they must have been worried about him, trying to prioritize his comfort over their worry.
“G-Guys…” Elliot rubs at his eyes profusely, feeling the dam start to crack. Once again, he feels like the emotions he’s been hiding for so long are about to burst from his chest.
“GROUP HUGGG!!!” Someone suddenly yells out, and Elliot is instantly crushed by bodies piling on top of him. It might be a bit uncomfortable, but the pressure is just so comforting. He’s surrounded by his teammates—no—his family, as he begins to sob. Not quite tears of joy, not quite tears of sadness. But tears for everything. It finally feels like a weight has been lifted off of his chest. Here, surrounded by the people he now cares about most, he thinks that he might just be okay.
Obviously, Elliot wouldn’t magically get better.
There would still be days where he would feel like he wasn’t enough, letting the negative thoughts cloud his mind.
But like it or not, people did care about him. And nothing he could say or do would change that. That’s been proven today, and Elliot is still in shock about how much he truly means to everyone else.
So, all he could do is try his best to ask for help when he needs it. Let other people lend a hand to him for once. He didn’t need to shoulder this burden alone. Everyone here was his family now, and if they could love him in a situation as terrible as this, he knows he can trust them.
Elliot just has to try. Even just little steps. Letting someone help him with cooking or chores. Resting for a bit when he feels like everything is too much. Or, giving himself a bit of grace when he messes up. It certainly won’t change overnight. But changing the little things adds up to a big thing overall.
So many people have given him a different perspective to look at, and it helps, but there’s a part of him that just disagrees no matter what they say. Knowing isn’t the solution you would think it is. Knowing there are people who care isn’t enough to erase all of the terrible thoughts in his head. Is it futile to even try to get better? No. Elliot can’t let himself go that route again. He needs to try, for not only his friends, but for himself. If he tried, things would improve. Nothing could be perfect, but if he can make an effort, that’s all that matters.
He matters.
END