Chapter Text
To say that Felicity was nervous would be an understatement.
To say that she wasn’t ready would be an understatement as well.
Ever since she had come to back Starling she had thought about confronting her fears and she had. She had seen Conner, had also managed to face her former family and she was steps away from her closure.
She needed closure.
That is why she didn’t say a word as he stepped beside her because in all honesty even she wanted answers.
Why did he have to leave her?
Why did he cheat?
She might have pushed him away and she had admitted it to herself that it was she who was at fault at that and she had made efforts to fix their relationship.
Except he had rebuked them.
Post breakup, a small part of her, agreed with him. The therapy sessions were done, she was making progress and she was absorbing reality but she still hadn’t reached the end of it. And Oliver had made her see it.
Despite everything, she would always be Conner’s murderer.
It took a long while to get in touch with reality. When she had shifted to Central City, she had lost herself completely. When her baby died, she had lost herself but when Oliver left her she had lost herself completely.
She wasn’t Felicity Queen.
She was Felicity Smoak.
Divorced.
Childless.
The thought made her curl up in a ball and cry.
She had lost everything.
Oliver.
Conner.
Her family.
…
March 2012
Felicity smiled at the cashier before picking up the bag full of groceries with her right hand. Her left arm was underneath Conner, supporting the one year old who was busy jiggling the small packet of skittles that she had gotten. He wiggled it right in front of Felicity’s face which made her chuckle.
“Bye,” the cashier in her early twenties waved her hand at Conner and Felicity put left shoulder forward so that Conner could see her. “Say bye, Conner” she told him and he blinked at her before wiggling the brown skittles packet in the air which made a lot of noise. The cashier whose name was Katelyn, now that Felicity saw her name tag laughed, “You like skittles?”
“He loves skittles.” Felicity stated before turning her gaze towards her son, “You love skittles, don’t you?” She retorted softly and Conner cheered, “Skit!” He waved the packet again and Felicity bumped her forehead against his lightly, “Yeah.”
“You have a really beautiful baby.”
“Thank you,” Felicity smiled, “Now say bye Conner.” The guy in question didn’t do anything for the next two seconds and Felicity had to murmur bye again so that he gets it. Oliver and she had taught him that. The baby looked at the cashier lady before moving his hand in the air and smiling. The cashier laughed before waving goodbye and Felicity mumbled a thank you before heading out of the store. It was good that there wasn’t a line behind her.
She pressed the button on her car key before opening the door of her car. Opening the door of the back seat, she kept the grocery bag down and then closed it. She opened the front door before getting inside her car. She placed Conner on the car seat and then buckled him. He squealed a little and Felicity ran her fingers on his stomach causing him to burst into giggles, moving his skittles back and forth. She buckled a seat belt around him and then proceeded to close the door of her car.
Looking at Conner once again before she started the car, she bit back a groan as she saw him chewing on his packet, a small end of it now torn open. He could swallow a candy for all she knew.
“Conner,” she chastised lightly before taking away the packet causing the baby to whine loudly. She took the packet away before reaching down and wiping the patch of drool on his mouth, “How many times have I told you not to chew on it?” She talked to him as if he could understand her and he squirmed in protest. He was still too little to eat skittles and Felicity usually just handed him the packet because he found it too fascinating. To top it all, Conner recognized the brand and cribbed until he got it. But Felicity had made sure he never ate it.
Felicity turned her head around to fetch him another packet and Conner whined loudly, moving his open palm and hitting Felicity’s golden hair, “Mama!”
“One second baby,” Felicity murmured before taking out another pack of skittles and then handing it over to him, “No chewing alright?” She waved the packet and his blue eyes brightened as she handed it him.
The car revved as she started driving making sure to turn on the radio. Conner really loved music. And as if on cue, the little guy had started clapping. He had been doing this since the very beginning. Nobody had to teach him that. He always had this reaction to music. Felicity laughed watching him babble incoherent things and clapping his hands.
She frowned a little as she watched a bike zoom past her. The guy really seemed in a hurry, his speed way past the speed limit. She ignored it, focusing on the road instead. Her frown deepened when she realized that they were more guys behind her car, on their bikes, their speed way past the limit. A chorus of laughter reached her ears and she realized they were racing.
Her hand curled around the steering wheel. She looked down at Conner who was giggling happily and Felicity breathed.
Maybe she was thinking too much.
The next second, she felt something ram the back of her car and she lurched forward, her hand instinctively moving in front of Conner who squealed loudly. Thankfully, the seat belts prevented them from moving forward and she cursed under her breath. She was about to stop her car at one side, wanting to thrash some sense in those teenagers but the next second, another bike hit the end of her car causing her to skid.
The car moved haphazardly and Felicity kept moving the steering wheel hastily. Her eyes widened when she saw her car heading towards a street light. She gasped before throwing herself over Conner and the front corner of the car hit the street light, the bumper coming off before the car flipped. Shards of glass were everywhere and the hood was crushed, smoke escaping through it.
Dread.
That was all Felicity could feel in that moment.
Conner was in the car with her.
The pain hit her in various places and the metallic taste in her mouth became prominent with every second and she realized her glasses were cracked. A shrill cry echoed and she whimpered, her hands moving so she could feel Conner.
He needed to be alright.
He had to be alright.
She couldn’t lose him.
Except, she did.
….
Oliver closed his eyes for a second before opening them. The words died in his throat and he gave it a thought for a split second before talking.
Now or never.
“Did you cheat on me with Palmer?”
Okay, Felicity did not expect that.
“I’m sorry?”
“Did you or did you not cheat on me with Palmer?”
She frowned, the word ‘No’ dying on her lips when she saw his expression. “You…you thought I cheated on you with Ray?” her voice wavered and suddenly Oliver felt his knees buckling, “You did not?”
“You thought… I cheated?” Felicity pointed towards herself and her mouth parted open in surprise, “I would have never cheated on you, Oliver! It was you who cheated on me!” she said vigorously, her teeth gritting and a second later, her voice softened, “How could you even think that?”
It took her ten seconds to put two and two together and a strangled sob escaped her lips.
He thought she cheated.
Cheated.
“Is...is that why you cheated?” She muttered out as she sat on her couch, she was afraid her legs would give out any minute, “You thought that I had cheated.”
Oliver had no response. Honestly, in that moment he didn’t know how to say anything. He had been wrong about everything. This was something that he had been afraid of since the very beginning.
Realizing that it was him that ruined their relationship.
Not her.
Him.
And he lost the love of his life…just like that.
“Care to tell me how the fuck did you reach that conclusion?!” Oliver cringed when he heard Felicity swore and he tried to blubber out a response.
And after the realization, anger hit.
He was angry at himself for jumping to conclusions. Angry at her for hiding things. Angry at his mom for getting the divorce papers.
Angry at everything.
He was furious.
“How could I not?” Oliver chuckled hoarsely, “How could I not? It was right in front of my eyes!” he bellowed all of a sudden, standing up and Felicity glared at him through her tears. She wasn’t going to cry. No she won’t even shed a tear for him. “This makes no sense.”
Oliver closed his eyes and pressed the palm of his hands against them.
Fuck.
How in the world could he be wrong?
It was right in front of his eyes.
He remembered.
But she was speaking the truth.
And he knew it was the truth.
The realization was painful.
Felicity saw red. This was too much. Yes, she wanted answers. But this confrontation was nothing like she had predicted and her hands fisted as a lone tear fell down her eye. Wiping it hastily, she reached for the marble turtle lying on the side table and flung it towards him, “You thought I was having an affair with Ray? You’re such a fucking asshole!”
Oliver ducked last minute, the turtle landing at the other end of the room. “Felicity!”
“You thought I cheated on you?!” she got up from the couch, her hands flaying before she looked around, trying to look for another thing to hit him with and growled in frustration when she couldn’t find anything. She closed her eyes tightly, tears trying to fight the barriers she had created.
“It was right in front of my eyes, Goddamit!” Oliver raised his hands in the air, “You can’t blame me! Every time something happened you turned to fucking Palmer! What was I supposed to believe?!”
“That’s because my husband walked out on me! You were seeking comfort from your family, Oliver!” she shouted as she turned towards him. Her hands landed on her sides with a thump and she tilted her head sideways, her face coiling up in pain, “You were with them. You had Laurel who was your ex-girlfriend comforting you but I trusted you,” she whimpered, “I trusted you. Why couldn’t you?”
“Why didn’t you trust me Oliver?”
Why didn’t he?
They were many a times in the past he had thought about talking to Felicity. He had tried talking to her in tits and bits but they never had a full-fledged conversation.
Why didn’t they?
Why didn’t he trust her?
“I-“ Oliver started but he didn’t know what to say. He sighed to himself, “I saw things, Felicity. And I put two and-“ he paused, turning his gaze away, “two together. It just happened. I saw you with him discussing about going to Central City, you had his number on your phone by another name Felicity.” “You were hiding something, what was I supposed to believe?”
What was he supposed to believe really?
How could everything go so wrong?
“What?”
“Everything made sense.” Oliver murmured before getting down on his knees and sitting on the floor. Leaning his back against the couch, he murmured, “How?”
“I don’t know Oliver,” Felicity mumbled who was mirroring Oliver’s position, sitting at the other end, “How could you?”
How could you?
….
April 2012
It had been five weeks since Conner’s death and situation had somehow gotten better. Felicity still mourned and so did Oliver and the others but they were finding comfort in each other.
Felicity shot Oliver a grateful smile as he got her a cup of coffee. Taking a sip of the beverage, she sighed a little as she got comfortable on the bench. They were sitting on the terrace of the Queen Mansion because the weather was ‘awesome’ as Thea had eloquently quoted it and it was. Felicity was pretty sure that it would rain any minute.
She felt Oliver’s arms around her waist from behind before he dropped a kiss on her shoulder, “The weather is good, isn’t it?”
In normal situations, they would have sat in the Queen’s Garden but ever since Conner’s grave lay there, Felicity refused. She hadn’t even seen him once since the day of his funeral.
It was too painful.
“Felicity?”
Huh?” She mumbled, not really aware of what he was talking out and Oliver huffed before pressing his cheek against hers, his scruff pinching her skin ever so slightly, “It’s going to be alright, Felicity.”
“Is it? Will it ever be?”
“We’re trying, aren’t we?” Oliver mumbled and Felicity smiled a little, “Yeah, we’re trying.”
“Come on,” Oliver held her before pulling her towards him, “Let’s go.”
“Where?”
“Somewhere,” Oliver grinned cheekily before dragging her down the stairs.
Thea watched the two of them coming down the stairs and frowned, “Where are you guys going?” She asked as she stood up from the settee she was sitting on, “Somewhere.” Felicity echoed Oliver’s response before placing her empty coffee mug on the table.
“I’ll join you guys too!” Thea looked at Oliver for approval who nodded his head, his eyes moving towards Felicity and then towards his sister who realized he was up to something but didn’t say a word.
The three of them stepped outside the mansion and Felicity started to make her way towards the front gate when Oliver stopped her and instead started dragging her the way. Thea followed suit, although she did need to rack her brain in thinking about what her brother was up to.
Oliver stopped all of a sudden and Felicity looked at him before turning towards the sight in front of them, “Let’s go for a drive.”
No.
No.
Felicity started shaking her head almost instantly. “No, no,” She shook her head hastily, “Not a car.”
No cars.
The last time she was in a car, she lost Conner.
This time, she could lose Oliver.
No.
Absolutely not.
The dreadful incident kept playing in her mind all over again and she whimpered, holding onto Oliver’s Henley, “No, we won’t drive. We can’t drive.” She mumbled, “Don’t-“ She looked at Oliver who placed his hands on her shoulders, “Shh.” He mumbled and Felicity shook her head, “No, Oliver-you don’t know! We lost Conner this way, we could-“
“Shhh.” Oliver shushed her before cupping her face, “We’re not going in a car, okay?” Felicity hugged him and Oliver’s arms tightened around her, “We’re not going in a car.”
Felicity nodded against his chest and closed her eyes, “Not a car.”
Thea stood right behind Felicity, her eyes meeting her brother’s who smiled at her, “What?” He mouthed to her, trying not to show his weakness. Thea tilted her head sideways as she watched the two, her lower lip tucked between her teeth as she fought her tears.
Just then the clouds thundered and the next second, torrential downpour began.
Good.
Maybe they could fool each other into believing that the water dripping down their face were raindrops rather than tears.
….
It all went downhill from there.
Felicity usually stayed cooped up in her room or in Conner’s nursery and refused to talk to anyone. Oliver understood. She was dealing with the grief but even he had a saturation point. She had finally managed to get past some of it but now she was back to square one.
And Oliver was frustrated.
“Felicity!” Oliver’s voice rose ever so slightly when Felicity didn’t respond to him and she flinched for a second, “What?”
“Get out of your bed.” He told her simply and Felicity frowned, “What?”
“Get out, okay?” He said before fixing his tie in front of the mirror, “I’ll drop you off at QC while going to Verdant.”
Felicity shrugged before hugging her knees, “I don’t travel in cars.”
“We’ll go on my bike.”
“With a business suit. Talk about fashion trends,” She closed her eyes.
“We’re going on my bike.”
“But I don’t want to go.”
“Dammit Felicity!” Oliver shouted all of a sudden and before she knew it, he was sitting right in front of her, “Conner died, alright? We can’t get him back. Stop living in the past! We have to focus on the present. Don’t ruin your present for something that cannot happen. He was my son too. I miss him so much,” His voice softened, “But he is gone. And nothing can change it.”
Felicity’s eyes filled with tears and she shook her head hastily. “You don’t get it. I don’t deserve all of this. It’s my fault he is dead. I don’t deserve the sympathy. I don’t deserve to live when he didn’t-“
Oliver pulled her closer, his hands resting on her arms, “What if it was me in the car that day?”
“Wha..what?”
“What if I was the one who was driving that day? Would you still blame me for Conner’s death?”
“Of course not.” She shook her head hastily and she knew where Oliver was going with this.
She knew that she wouldn’t blame Oliver.
And she knew that no one was blaming her.
But they should.
It was her conscience that was eating her on the inside.
If she hadn’t gone to that store, her baby would still be alive giggling happily.
But all that graced her ears was silence.
Dreadful silence.
….
“What made you think that?” Felicity whispered softly, moving her head so that it laid on the couch, “What made you think that I was cheating on you with Ray? You knew he was like a brother to me. He has a wife for God sake,”
“I didn’t know about the wife part.” Oliver bit out and Felicity chuckled dryly, “Courtney came to our wedding Oliver.”
“I knew that name was familiar,”
“Still doesn’t change the fact that you didn’t trust me.”
“Felicity, I-“ Oliver started but Felicity glared at him, her eyes glossy, “Just start speaking. I’m not in mood for a heart to heart, Oliver.”
Oliver closed his eyes and started speaking.
…
April 2012
Oliver had left.
To be honest, Felicity had it coming. She had been pushing him away for quite a while and sooner or later, he had to crack. `
Why is that when you lose something you realize how important they were?
A small part of her knew, she didn’t deserve him after what she did. But a large part of her wanted him by her side.
She sniffed before she dialled his number. She had been staying at their house for the past few days while Oliver stayed at the mansion. It was Felicity’s decision because she felt like she was being a burden of all of them and didn’t want to trouble them further. Robert and Moira had protested a lot but she didn’t listen to him.
She just wanted to get away from the mansion where his grave lay.
And most of Conner’s memories were there.
She thought Oliver would come along with her too.
Except he didn’t.
He had dropped her off before heading towards Tommy’s loft where he was staying.
Apparently, no one wanted to stay at the mansion.
It wasn’t any different though. Thea had been staying here for the past few days and everyone visited her occasionally. Lyla had wanted to stay too but backed out last minute (Felicity had a nagging feeling it was because she didn’t want her to feel sad with Sara being there) Carly and Sara had offered to stay too. Heck, her mom was on her way back to Starling for the second time since the funeral but she refused. Everyone offered to stay.
Except him.
He didn’t.
He wasn’t here.
And it hurt.
Pressing the phone against her ear, she waited anxiously for him to pick up his phone. Her breath hitched when someone did pick up but her hope deflated when it was Tommy on the other end telling her that Oliver was busy and he wasn’t available at the moment.
“He didn’t answer?” Thea asked her.
“He didn’t.”
…
“I used to call you every day,” She mumbled, her eyes turning towards the floor.
“I used to wait for your call every day,” Oliver admitted, “I used to stare at the phone every day waiting for call and think that whether I should pick it up or not. I didn’t want to see you like that Felicity,” He murmured, turning towards her and he watched Felicity bite her lip, “I didn’t. And I also wanted you to feel the same way I as feeling. I lost him too, Felicity.”
Oliver waited for Felicity’s response.
She didn’t say anything.
…
April 2012
“You shouldn’t avoid her calls,” Tommy spoke and Oliver looked up from his seat on his couch, “I know,” Oliver countered before keeping his phone back on the table.
“You shouldn’t have done that.” Diggle joined in the conversation, “This is not the answer to your problem, Oliver. You’re supposed to help her through this. We all are supposed to.”
“She is being taken care of,” Oliver muttered, “I call home to check on her every day. But I can’t be there, Digg,” he bit his lip, “You haven’t seen the look in her eyes the way I have. I can’t. Not now, at least.”
“Oliver, you-“
“Dammit! Why can’t people realize I lost my son too?! And at this point I feel I’ve lost my wife too!” The aggravation kicked in last minute and he stood up, “This isn’t easy on me but-but I need time. I’m allowed to grieve as well.” He glared at them, “Don’t teach me anything.” He walked past the two of them, making a beeline towards his room.
Sighing to himself, he leaned against the wall of his room and wiped away the moisture in his eyes with the palm of his hands.
How were they supposed to fix all of this?
…
“Then Palmer showed up at your place and your calls stopped.” Oliver’s fingers twitched, “Your calls stopped.”
“You never answered them anyway,” Felicity chuckled dryly, “And Ray helped me, Oliver. He wanted us to get back together. Not calling you was something that we decided because that clearly wasn’t the answer. I wanted to fix it,” She fidgeted in her position, “I wanted to fix us.”
“With Palmer.”
He shouldn’t have said it but he couldn’t help it.
“Yes.” Felicity declared, “He’s my best friend, Oliver. I don’t think I need to explain myself anyway.” She turned her face away the last minute and Oliver sighed.
They were best friends. Period.
Yeah, Oliver got to that realization hours ago.
…
April 2012
Oliver bit his lip as we waited anxiously for Felicity to pick up her phone.
Is this how she felt when he didn’t answer her?
It had been three days since Felicity hadn’t called him. The fingers of his right hand twitched, his left foot moving up and down as he waited for something.
Anything.
Relief washed him over when someone did pick up the phone from the other end and his mouth parted open, words ready on his mouth when –
“Oliver! Hey.”
“Ray?” He frowned, pressing his ear against his phone, “Where is Felicity?”
“Uh, she is a bit busy at the moment.” Ray started, “I’ll make sure she calls you in one hour?”
“Su..sure?” Oliver was flustered.
“Yeah, so how are y-“
Oliver hung up.
What the hell was Felicity doing with Ray?
When did he come to Starling anyway?
…
“I was with my psychiatrist, Oliver.” Felicity mumbled, still not looking at him. “Ray had asked me to take sessions.”
“What?” He looked surprised and Felicity let out a breathy chuckle, “When he came to Starling he saw me sulking. He saw how broken how I was and he asked me to see the therapist.” She looked at him, “Then he told me how I need to fix my relationship with you and needed to get my life back on track.”
“I didn’t know,” Oliver started hastily, “I didn-I would have come.”
“I came to tell you,” she said, suddenly interested in the hem of the shirt she was wearing, “But I heard you talking to Laurel. You told her how you didn’t want to see me that way.”
“I didn’t-“
“So, I decided it was better to not tell you about it. Not tell anyone about it. I didn’t want to lose you. I didn’t want to hurt you more than I already had.” Her lips former a thin line, “I just wanted to make everything better.”
Oliver bit his lip, “You should have told me.”
“You should have trusted me.”
“Felicity-“Oliver started, beginning to get up when Felicity raised her hand, “Just continue, Oliver.”
Oliver bit his lip as he slumped against the couch. His thumb rubbed his first two fingers and he felt his heart burn.
He sighed before speaking again.
…
April 2012
Things went well for the next few days at least.
Felicity had finally talked to Oliver who had sighed in relief when that happened.
Yes, there was hope.
Come to think of it, there’s always hope.
They just needed time to sort themselves out.
Oliver knocked on Felicity’s door, his hand holding the glass of red wine that he had bought on the way. His eyes flickered towards the words etched on the mahogany door.
Oliver Queen and Felicity Queen.
This was home.
He grinned a little, waiting for her to open the door any minute.
Felicity opened the door, her eyes widening, “Oliver?” A ghost of a smile graced her face for second and she blinked, “What are you doing here?” She ran a hand through her hair, moving it aside.
“I just-I just wanted to spend some time with you.” He tilted his head sideways, “Is, is that okay..? I can come some other time.”
“No, no!” Felicity shook her head almost instantly, “It’s fine. Come on in.” She moved aside, her eyes bright behind her glasses, “I mean, this is your home. Our home, so you can come here whenever you wish you like, not that I’m forcing you or anything.” She rambled, “I mean, you’re always welcome here. This is our home.”
He entered the house, his grin widening ever so slightly. “You just missed Ray.” She told him before settling down on her couch, “Ray?” Oliver situated himself right beside her, “He was here?”
“Yup.” Felicity told him nonchalantly, “He hasn’t left Starling yet?”
Felicity frowned, “No. You haven’t even met him once, have you? He said he wanted to meet you.”
“He did?” Oliver echoed and Felicity shoved him, “What’s with the questions?” Her eyebrows rose in question before she caught the sight of the bottle in his hand. “Is that-“ Felicity started and when Oliver nodded, she got up from her sofa, “I’ll go get us two glasses.”
Oliver hummed in reply before taking off his shoes. His thoughts were going wayward as he settled himself on his couch.
Ray was here.
He wasn’t living here. Oliver was pretty sure of that. When Thea had left this place-Felicity had made her leave because she had studies to focus on, she had made it a habit to visit this place daily. His dad also usually stopped by, so if he really was staying here, someone would have informed him.
It shouldn’t be that big of an issue. He was good friends with Ray but then again, he didn’t know what to think.
Because for the first time he felt his heart burn at the thought of Ray and Felicity together.
Was it just him or were they spending too much time with each other?
Just then Felicity’s phone rang and Oliver looked towards the kitchen only to see her fidgeting with the glasses. He sighed before picking up her phone and frowned when he noticed an unfamiliar name on the screen.
Courtney.
Who was she?
Sliding his thumb across the screen, he placed the device near his ear, “Hello?”
“Felicity!” He heard Ray on the other end and frowned, “So, tomorrow is final, right? And we don’t have to tell Oliver about this-“
“Oliver?”
Oliver looked up, his eyes meeting his wife’s and she moved her hand forward, wanting to fetch her phone, “Who is it?”
His response died on his lips as he heard Ray mutter that they Oliver shouldn’t know any of this. Felicity sat on the floor pressing her ear against the other side of her phone, wanting to listen before taking it from him and Oliver’s mouth parted open, “I’ll take that.” She grinned a little, “Need to tell these people that I shouldn’t be disturbed at the moment right?”
Oliver didn’t say a word as he watched Felicity stand up and make a beeline towards the kitchen where she was picking out stuff that he was sure meant a movie night.
Pressing the front of his hand against his jeans, he frowned.
Why had Felicity saved Ray’s name as Courtney on her phone?
Unless, she wanted to hide something
Hide what from Oliver?
His heart started beating faster as he stared at Felicity.
What was she really hiding?
….
“That is why I started linking Ray and you together. But that again was the therapy thing, wasn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“But I asked you if Ray had a girlfriend and you said no.” Oliver put his point forward and Felicity who had her poker face on, trying not to show any emotion muttered, “Because he didn’t. They had broken up at that time. Courtney was there for me as a friend. I had told you about her multiple times, Oliver. You just never listened.”
“No, I –“
“You just fucking assume.”
….
May 2012
Oliver sat with Carter Bowen much to his chagrin. It was a sheer coincidence-nasty twist of fate that he met him while he was here to buy Felicity’s favourite milkshake and burger. He tapped his fingers on their table as he waited for someone to show up with his order and he hoped it was soon because he was about to bash his fucking face if he didn’t stop talking about Conner.
“That baby could have been a model, you know. He was so pretty.”
Oliver closed his eyes, “Bowen. Can you just stop talking about him? I know all I need to know about my son.”
It was still painful.
His son was an angel. He remembered the conversation he had with Felicity a few days ago. They were sitting in his nursery, Felicity’s head on his shoulder and they had talked about him. His habits, his ramblings, everything about him.
It also had dawned on Oliver how much Felicity had changed. She had blamed herself again but she had told him that she would get past it. She would try to get past this guilt and live because that was what Conner would want.
Would have wanted.
To top it all, he felt like some of the burden was off his shoulder when he cried in Felicity’s arms and suddenly, in that moment the situation was reversed.
It was good.
And the conversation might have ended in tears but it was progress.
Yeah, they were making progress.
“I’m sorry,” Carter apologized and started shaking his head, “I’m being insensitive.”
You think?
“It’s just that I’ve been quite stressed lately. My wife cheated on me.”
“Yeah?” Oliver’s eyebrows, his fingers entwining on the table top. Well, Oliver wasn’t surprised. The leggy model he had married three months ago didn’t really seem the commitment type.
“Yeah, I found out recently.”
“How did that happen?”
“Yeah, I caught her texting her lover,” He air quoted the last word, “What about your wife?”
“I’m sorry?”
“Your wife? She just lost a child, Oliver,” Carter started, “You sure..she is not,” His voice turned a whisper, “Looking for comfort somewhere else?”
What the fuck.
Oliver slammed his fist against the table as he stood up, “You know what, Carter? I’ve been really trying to hold myself back from punching you,” He leaned forward, his teeth gnashing together, “And I’m this close,” he brought the index finger of his right hand close to his thumb, “Mind your words about my wife.”
“Hey,” Carter raised his hands in surrender, “I love Felicity too but I’m just stating facts here, bud. Women going through grief try to look for another source of comfort. Well, since you..uh, left her.”
“I didn’t leave her.”
Carter shrugged.
Oliver rolled his eyes before taking off.
Women going through grief may try to look for another source of comfort.
…
“Carter Bowen?!” Felicity shrieked before picking up another showpiece of marble kept on the side table right beside her, “What the fuck were you thinking?!”
“I know it was stupid!” Oliver let out, “And I stood up for you. Of course I trusted you Felicity.” He muttered and Felicity scoffed, “I just..it had me thinking, alright?”
“What you should have done is talk to me.”
“I know!” Oliver started, “Believe me, I know.” He said softly, “It was stupid but-“
“You were stupid,” Felicity mumbled, “Like that makes everything better” she sniffed a little.
“Will you just hear me out?”
…
May 2012
It was supposed to be a good day.
Oliver had somewhat of a realization in the past few weeks where he had deemed himself as a moronic fool who was thinking too much.
He was going to talk to Felicity.
He trusted her and he was pretty sure nothing was fishy but he just needed to console himself. Diggle’s words echoed in his head where he had told him that he should just have a chat with Felicity, of course he had asked him in a false pretext. Claiming that it was his friends that was having marital problems rather than one and John had given a pretty good answer.
To top it all, he would ask her if he could move in again. Yup, he still hadn’t moved in. The conversation had always been left off, the words never escaping either of their lips. He usually spent some time with her before taking a leave. The first night he dropped by, Felicity had asked him to stay if he wanted to only to receive a kiss on her forehead before he left. They still had needed to fix things then.
Now, the case was different.
He got inside ‘Frozen’, a small smile on his lips as he asked for a tub of mint chip. Tonight, he was going to spend the night at her-their house and they will talk about everything. Plus, he would ask her if he could stay there again.
Tapping his foot anxiously, he waited for someone to hand him over a bag that would contain Felicity’s favourite ice cream when-
“So, this is the place?” Oliver frowned when he heard a familiar voice. He caught Felicity walking towards him through his peripheral vision and he was about to turn when another set of footsteps echoed.
Ray.
Oliver reacted instantly, moving his feet sideways so that he was away from the ‘two’ yet could keep an eye on them.
“Yup.” He heard his wife mutter, “This place has the best ice creams ever.” Felicity grinned before ordering.
Oliver frowned. Felicity had told him that she was going to meet Carly but here she was and the situation clearly was different.
What the fuck was going on?
A certain sense of dread filled the pit of his stomach and he almost growled when he watched Ray’s hand land on Felicity’s waist.
Did she lie again?
Women in grief try to look for another source of comfort.
He tried to coax himself again, he wanted to believe that whatever was happening was just a sheer coincidence. A mere twist of fate. He reached for his cell phone and called Felicity, making sure he was inconspicuous.
“Hello?”
His heart swelled when he saw a large grin form on her lips, “Hey.” He answered back with a smile of his own, “Where are you?”
“Uh, Frozen.” Felicity muttered, not sure where the conversation was heading.
Oliver breathed a sigh of relief before closing his eyes.
He was being stupid after all. Overthinking things again. He still would talk to her tonight, will clear some of the doubts that were still in his head. Asking about what she was ‘hiding’ but they had just won half of the battle without even realizing.
“Alone?” He whispered.
“With Ray.” Felicity declared and Oliver smiled wider if that was even possible, “But I thought you were meeting Carly today?”
He could see Felicity’s hesitation, “Yeah, I just met him on the way.”
She was lying.
A feeling that was a cross between betrayal and dread filled his heart and he fidgeted, “You sure? Is there…something you want to tell me?”
“No.” He saw Felicity frown and then he realized that the first two fingers of her hand were crossed together, behind her back. She was lying.
“Oh..okay.” He could stutter out the very last minute and Felicity mumbled goodbye before the two of them hung up.
“You still haven’t told him?” He heard Ray ask.
“No.”
Oliver’s heart broke in two.
What in the world was going on with her? Since when did she become so secretive? He wanted answers but his heart told him, if he would actually discover the answers to them he would not be able to take them.
“No, I want it to be a...” Oliver didn’t hear anything further because he made a beeline towards the exit door, his anger reaching his boiling point. His teeth were gnashed together, his teeth clenched. Two more minutes here and if he was sure he would punch Palmer’s fucking face.
Meanwhile, Felicity tilted her head sideways as she watched a guy leave the parlour hastily, “Surprise.” She told Ray, “Surprise. Candles, lights everything. Then I’m going to tell him about everything and besides, we aren’t done with sessions yet. I just want it to be the next step you know? I don’t want to hide. So I will tell him. I just...i just wanted it to be perfect. I don’t want to ruin us again, Ray. What if he leaves again?”
Unbeknownst to her, Oliver was really one step closer to leaving.
….
“You lied. I talked to Carly that day. You lied.”
“I had a session, Oliver. You could have asked. Asked. Once. Once!” she shouted the last word on the top of her voice. “You never asked. Miscommunication leads to misunderstandings, Oliver,” her voice broke as she spoke the last sentence.
“You should have told me.” He mumbled softly, his voice wavering, “You should have.”
“I was afraid you’ll leave again. Afraid that you’ll see the old Felicity and leave again,” she closed her eyes, “But in the end you left me anyway, didn’t you?”
…
May 2012
Oliver anxiously waited for the doctor to tell him anything. He remembered how scared he was when he found Felicity lying on the ground.
It had only been two months since Conner’s death and they were back in a hospital.
Hospital.
Oliver could barely control his tears at bay. He never really realized how much he had come to hate this place. Coming to this place made him feel like he was one step closer to death.
And he might lose Felicity the way he lost Conner.
No.
God won’t be so cruel, would he? He wouldn’t take Felicity away from him. Not after what he did to his baby.
He wouldn’t, would he?
He never really prayed. The first time he prayed or well, the first time after a long time he prayed was when he discovered that Felicity and Conner were in an accident. He could swore he had stopped breathing in that one second.
He had lost half of his family.
He wasn’t about to lose the other half.
He leaned against the chair, murmuring a prayer when he heard footsteps approaching him. He looked up only to see Ray staring at him and his fists clenched, “What are you doing here?” he sniped out, “I, uh, went to QC only to find out that she was here.” He pointed towards the room and Oliver gritted his teeth. His family did not know of this and he did?
“What happe-“
The doctor decided to walk out the room Felicity was in before smiling at the two men, “She’s fine. It’s just exhaustion.”
Oliver heaved a sigh of relief at that, “Is she…is there anything we need to take care of?” His fingers twitched, he was really worried about her.
The doctor nodded a little, “You’re the husband, right?” Oliver nodded, “And you?”
“I’m her best friend,” Ray spoke and the doctor nodded his head in acknowledgement.
“She seems to be really tired. How many hours does she sleep in a day?”
“Five to six maybe,” Before Oliver could even open his mouth Ray had answered. He knew this because her psychiatrist had talked to him to and he was aware about these little things.
So was Oliver.
After all, he was her husband.
“She needs more rest. Is she on any medications? Maybe it could be a side effect to one.”
“No.” Oliver started but Ray shook his head, “She was on antidepressants for a little while. Now she has stopped taking it.”
Oliver gaped.
He never knew any of it. She was on antidepressants? A small part of him was burning with jealousy, noticing the fact that how Palmer knew her more than him while the other part of him was filled up with concern for her.
But how come Felicity didn’t tell him?
How come…Palmer knew?
Like he wasn’t already feeling afraid about the fact that Felicity might be cheating.
“And body weaknesses?”
“She gets dehydrated easily.”
Oliver didn’t know that either.
Is there anything about Felicity that Ray didn’t know?
He was her husband and Ray? He was just her best friend. Wasn’t he supposed to know more about this?
How did he not?
Or better yet, how come Ray did?
It was a random moment but in that particular moment Oliver Queen had never felt more inferior to Ray Palmer.
How he should have been her husband and how Oliver should…never have been a part of it.
The doctor nodded, “I’ll write her a prescription accordingly. You both can meet her now.”
Oliver huffed before taking a step back.
“You should go first.” Ray uttered and Oliver laughed a little, his chuckle was void of emotion before patting his shoulder and turning around, “You go. Seems like you know her better than me anyway.”
….
“I thought I lost you,” Oliver muttered, “But I still needed answers so I thought I would not jump to conclusions.”
Felicity snorted through her tears.
“But you did.”
He did.
….
May 2012
Oliver smiled a little as he got out of Verdant. Felicity had asked him to meet her at their place tomorrow for a date. (Oliver never really had asked her about the moving in part) His heart had soared in his chest at the thought of it. The previous instances were still crisp in his mind but he was sure there was a plausible explanation to it.
He trusted Felicity.
Come to think of it, he had lost most of his trust and had it not been her proposal to him, nothing would have restored it.
There was hope.
She was his hope.
Stepping out of his club, he headed towards his bike when he fidgeted through the pocket of jeans looking for his keys ad groaned when he realized he had left them back at the club.
Making an about turn, he climbed up the three stairs that led him to his club. Entering the club, he made a beeline towards the corner of the bar, where Felicity and he were talking minutes ago. Picking up his keys that were lying on it, he started to make his way back to his bike.
Voices reached his ear and he turned his head right finding himself staring at Felicity and Ray. His feet backtracked almost all of a sudden, trying to hide himself in the best way possible, “So, you asked him?”
“Yes.” Oliver word Felicity speak and his eyebrows furrowed, “So, tomorrow night then. You’re going to tell him then?”
“I’ll tell him everything,” He heard her say.
He breath hitched, tell him what?
That she was with Ray?
“And then what?”
“I was thinking about leaving Starling,” His wife muttered, “This place is great but I think we need a new start. Just for a little while away from all of this.”
“That sounds nice.”
He almost tripped as he moved back, shock evident of on his event. The past events started reeling back in his mind and he found himself chuckling at his own stupidity.
Of course she was cheating on him with Ray.
That is why she asked her for a date today.
Because she wanted to reveal that she was with Ray.
Tears threatened to fall down his cheeks. All his doubts came to life.
How she was hiding something.
How Ray knew her better than anyone else.
How she lied to him.
How she was planning to tell him something and then she would leave him to go to Central City.
Of course, she would leave him.
He gritted his teeth in agitation, his fists clenching. He was about to turn and head towards the two of them.
He was finally going to bash Palmer.
Oh, he was going to beat him to pulp.
His gaze flickered towards the area and he realize that the two had already left.
He growled under his breath before making his way towards his bike. He was flustered, his hands shaking as he put the key in ignition.
And then he reacted.
He pushed the bike causing it to land on the ground with a thump. His jaw locked tightly and he found himself crouching down, sitting near the bike.
Why did she do this to him?
Did she not love him?
Was it because of Conner? The grief might have been too much but he was his son too. He didn’t fall into someone else’s arm, why did she?
“Oliver?” Thea sounded worried as she reached her brother.
Oliver didn’t say a word, his hands hiding his face as he finally let himself go. Tears dripped down his cheeks as the realization dawned on him.
Felicity had lost Conner.
Maybe that is why she turned to Ray for comfort.
But Oliver had lost Conner too.
And now…he lost Felicity as well.
….
“I didn’t know what to do,” Oliver started, his eyes moist, “I thought I lost you. I got drunk that night.” He laughed a little, “I thought maybe it would help with the pain. When I went back to the mansion that day, I looked for the divorce papers that mom had gotten us when I left you… I-I signed them.”
“You didn’t even think twice.” She murmured, her nose red, “You just-you didn’t trust me one bit, did you?” She tilted her head sideways, “Not one bit.”
“I-“
“It was a surprise.” Felicity didn’t let him speak, “I wanted to tell you that I was done with the sessions. The psychiatrist told me that-I, I needed my husband. I was ready to talk about Conner, to visit him. I was ready to do anything to be with you,” her voice cracked, “I wanted to-wanted to leave Starling with you. I thought the two of us needed a fresh beginning… I just wanted us together.”
She sniffed, “But look at our fate?” she tried to smile, “We both lost each other either way.”
Oliver didn’t know what to say. A lone tear dripped down his cheek too.
She wanted it to be special and what did he do?
“I waited for you to show up. For five hours, I waited and then I found the divorce papers,” she bit her lip, “I found the papers. I thought we’ll get back together, properly. Living under the same roof, back like before. But--” her voice trailed off and Oliver knew what was coming next. He closed his eyes, “I found out the papers. And then, I saw you.”
Oliver’s face crumbled, “Do you even remember our last conversation, Oliver?”
Of course he did.
It made him want to crawl in a hole and die. He remembered some of the words he spoke that day and he had felt regret piling inside of him later on but when he learned how Felicity and Ray had left for Central City he had started telling himself that what he said might be mean and meaningless-but she deserved it.
Except she didn’t.
She didn’t.
….
May 2012
Felicity made a dash towards the reception wanting to know where Oliver was. The divorce papers were folded to form a roll which she had been clutching in her hand rather tightly.
To say she was shocked would be an understatement. She had been waiting for Oliver to show up at their place but he didn’t show up. To top it, she finally realized that there was a manila envelope right underneath her door and when she had opened, tears had welled up in her eyes before anger took over.
She was going to kill Oliver.
She had tried contacting him for the umpteenth time that day when she realized that situation was not to be taken lightly. She had to talk to him face to face. She had tried calling Tommy and Thea but no one picked up their phone. Heck, not even John. So, she tracked his GPS and was surprised to see that he was staying at a hotel.
She felt her stomach drop.
Hotel?
So, she was here. She had blown all the candles out, had gotten rid of the food she had cooked for him and had made her way towards the said hotel.
“Oliver Queen?” She spoke the name out and the receptionist moved her fingers across the keyboard and hummed in reply, “He is staying here. May I know who are you?”
“I’m his wife.” She tapped her fingers against the table, “Can you please tell me his room number?”
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Queen. We haven’t received any information from Mr. Queen-“
“Listen, I’m in a hurry. I need to talk to my husband.”
“Ma’am, I can-“
“Please.” Felicity pleaded, her hand losing its grip on the divorce papers, “I need to talk to him. It’s urgent.”
“I can’-“
“Please.” Felicity murmured again, biting her lip. Her eyes were wide and moist, God she really needed to meet him.
“Room 203.” She told her quietly, “Don’t tell anyone about this.”
Felicity smiled weakly, “Don’t worry, I won’t.” She hastily made her way towards the elevator, “Thank you!”
She was going to talk to him.
…
She stood in front the door. The number 203 were etched on it in golden. She took a deep breath before fisting her hand and knocking on it. Stepping back, she waited for the door to open, her mind trying to formulate words.
What will she say?
Why did he sign the divorce papers?
A small part of still believed that it must all be a misunderstanding. Things were going well. They were spending time together, they were talking about Conner-they loved each other. She pressed her hand against the corner of her eyes and wiped away the moisture there.
How can things go so wrong?
She was angry.
She was emotional.
And she would sure as hell planning on beating Oliver with the same roll of paper he had signed god knows how many hours ago.
She was going to kill him.
Slaughter him.
The door opened the next second and she was greeted by a sight she wasn’t prepared for.
A girl stood on the threshold of room, wearing a shirt.
A gorgeous girl in a shirt.
Just a shirt.
Oliver’s shirt.
Her face fell in a second and she opened her mouth, wanting to say something when Oliver popped in behind the said woman who was looking at her, probably judging her with those big beady eyes of hers.
“Oliver?” She gasped, her voice was quiet having lost the ability to speak out loudly.
“Felicity! Hey!” He greeted her with a smile and Felicity was suddenly aware of the fact that he was drunk, “Come on in!” He gestured towards his room, stepping aside ever so slightly to allow her in.
“What is going on here?” Felicity gritted out through her clenched teeth although eyes depicted some other story, tears were threatening to fall but she’ll be damned if she let them.
“What do you think-“The woman decided to speak and Felicity glared at her, “I wasn’t talking to you. I’m here for my husband.”
“Husband?” Her eyebrow quirked up as she looked at Oliver, “You told me you divorced her.”
“I did.” Oliver laughed, moving his hand in the air where his wedding ring was present once and Felicity felt her heart break in two. The nonchalant expression on his face made her want to puke her guts out. “How can you be this way? How can you do this?”
“How can I do this?” Oliver’s eyes widened as he stared at her, “Just the way you did it.” Felicity frowned, the tears finally went down her cheeks, “I did what?”
“Just the way you ruined my life.” He uttered out, “Just the way you took away my son. The way it was so easy for you.”
Felicity’s face shattered at the name of late son, “Oliver, you can-can’t do this to us. I won’t let you.”
“I believe he just did.” The woman grinned and Felicity’s anger reached her peak. Her hand moved forward as she pushed her in, “I’m not talking to you bitch!” She yelled suddenly, the onslaught of emotions being too much, “What the fuck is wrong with you, Oliver?! I tried everything and-“
“Don’t talk to her that way.” Oliver pushed the young girl behind her back and Felicity’s eyebrows furrowed, “You’re going to support her?!”
“Well, she didn’t exactly ruin my life did she?”
“But all I wanted was to fix this relationship!” she shouted before throwing the divorce paper on the ground, “I just wanted to fix it, Goddammit! And you cheated on me?!”
“Well, it was pretty easy.” Oliver smirked, “I mean, getting over you. What is it that you’ve ever done for me, anyway? You took my son away, Felicity. You left me, just like the others,” he scoffed, “You were after my money, weren’t you?” His words were slurry yet the meaning was crisp.
Felicity was speechless for a few seconds, Oliver’s words playing in her mind.
You took my son away.
You were after my money.
She was crumbling on the inside.
She wanted to fix her relationship with this man? He clearly didn’t give a damn about her and she wanted to fix this?
“How could you even think that?”
Oliver laughed before glaring at her, “You were right, Felicity. You don’t deserve either of us. You are just a fucking bitch.”
“Fuck you, Oliver.” Felicity spat at him, “You are such a bastard.” God, she did not want to cry for him. Why was she crying for him?!
“Say whatever you want, Felicity. It’s you who destroyed this relationship. Who destroyed me.”
You don’t deserve either of us.
And suddenly, the old insecurities returned.
All this while, she had been doing all of this so that they can be happy together. So that they can get past this.
But in reality, they were past nothing.
Old wounds still existed and nothing-no one could heal them.
Not even her.
Not even him.
Maybe she didn’t deserve Oliver because she took away Conner.
Maybe God was making her pay for taking away a precious angel.
She deserved this, didn’t she?
“I wish-I wish it was you that had died that night.”
Felicity tripped back, losing her footing. His words seemed to have slap her right across her face and she bit her lip, her hands landing limp by her side. “Wh-“
“Whatever. You can do whatever you want.” Oliver rolled his eyes, “You’re not my concern anymore. You mean nothing to me.” He spat his final words at her.
The door closed and Felicity tumbled backward, tears pouring down her cheeks.
I wish it was you that had died that night.
“I wish that every day, Oliver, “Felicity murmured to herself as she finally collapsed, right in the middle of the hallway, “It’s what I wish for every day.”
And in that moment Felicity Queen had decided.
She would divorce him.
Because despite the pangs that she felt in her heart as the realization dawned on her, something else did too.
All that she had done was for nothing.
She had lost him either way.
And she didn’t deserve him for killing Conner.
And he didn’t deserve her after what he just did to her.
They were done.
….
The next day Felicity left for Central City.
And Oliver had felt his heart hurt as he realized that she had left with Ray and he was right all along.
…
“All this while I thought you left me because you blamed me for Conner’s death,” Felicity declared, rubbing her cheeks hastily, “I thought you left me because you thought I ruined us.”
“Felicity,” Oliver started and Felicity blinked, she hadn’t realized that he had gotten up from his position and was now crouching front of her, “I never blamed you for Conner’s death.”
“Could have fooled me” she muttered, turning her gaze away.
“Hey look at me,” Oliver mumbled, his hands reaching for her face and she looked at his eyes for one second, noticing the moisture present there too before swatting his hand away, “Don’t touch me.”
Now that the conversation had ended, reality was staring at their faces.
And it pierced Oliver’s heart.
To realize how much of big mistake he had made.
Blunder.
“I deserve that,” He mumbled and Felicity didn’t look at him, “I don’t remember much of the conversation…we-we had that night, Felicity. I never blamed you for Conner’s death. I never did.”
“Well, you did manage to say a lot of things anyway.” Felicity huffed before getting up, pushing Oliver away in the process, “You made me hate myself, Oliver. I hated myself but what I should have done was hate you.”
Oliver didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what he should be saying.
Three years.
Almost three fucking years where he had hated this woman.
The love of his life.
Who he had let go, just on the basis of something that his mind had built up.
“Why didn’t you talk to me? You could have asked once,” she murmured, pressing her hands on the top of her hand, “Once and I would have told everything. Instead, you assumed that I was with Ray, Oliver, really?” her fingers twitched, “You never trusted me, you should have fucking trusted me!”
“I know! I know, alright!” Oliver stood up from his position, “I was such an asshole, I know. I should have talked-I should have trusted you, I know.” He spoke in one breath, “I made mistakes. I was messed up,” His fingers twitched, his blue eyes looking anywhere but her.
He didn’t know how to face her.
“You said those words.”
“I never meant them,” He pleaded, “I didn’t even remember half of them, Felicity. I was drunk and I fucked up-“
“Drunk words are sober thoughts!”
“Not always. I was confused, I was hurt.” He uttered, “I just wanted-“
“You wished that it was I who had died that day.” She stage whispered, her voice shaking, “I wish that every day, Oliver. Everyday. It should have been my funeral that day, not Conner’s.”
“Don’t talk like that,” Felicity snorted at that and a second later, Oliver was standing in front of her, his hands pressed against her arms, “Don’t talk like that.”
“Don’t touch-“ Felicity fidgeted.
“Listen to me, alright? I was a douche, a fucking moron, but I never meant it.” His face was marred with tear tracks, “I never meant it. I was devastated at the mere thought of losing you. Don’t-“ He took a deep breath, “I don’t want to lose you.”
“Except you did.” Felicity murmured, “You did.”
“I know, I know.” Oliver told her, desperation lacing his tone. “Did you try to commit suicide?”
“So what if I did? It’s not like you cared, did you?”
“Of course, I did!”
“You have a funny way of showing it.”
“Why?”
Felicity might be going through grief but he knew that she always had been strong. What had made her feel so defeated that she even thought of suicide.
“He has the audacity to ask why,” She laughed through her tears. Sometimes Oliver could be so obtuse, “I lost both of you. I just needed to-I just needed to see him once. He was my hope, Oliver. You were my hope but you crushed my heart.” She paused, taking in a breath, “I just wanted to feel. Feel something, anything. I was numb. I overdosed on sleeping pills,” She sniffed, “I thought you won’t care anyw-“
“I care what happens to you. I have always cared.” Oliver leaned in closer, “I was hurt because I cared dammit!” He cupped her wet cheeks, “I loved you”. He stated and Felicity sniffed, not meeting his eyes, “No, you didn’t. Trust is the foundation of love, Oliver. You should have trusted me. You should have talked to me.”
“I know,” Oliver muttered and before Felicity could realize his forehead was pressed against hers, their hands joined in the middle. Their eyes were closed and Felicity was aware of the fact that Oliver was crying, “I-I made mistakes. But, but you don’t have to pay for them. Conner’s death,” Felicity’s breath hitched, “It wasn’t your fault. Killing yourself was not the answer. Do you-do you realize…what would have happened to me if I would have found out?” He let out a small whimper, “I lost my son and then you-I would have lost myself.”
“But you lost me either way, Oliver.” Felicity murmured, her eyes opening and suddenly she moved away. Theirs hands separated ever so slowly and Oliver felt that he was losing her all over again, “I can’t forgive you for that, I can’t.” Felicity murmured, shaking her head adamantly as she situated herself on the couch, “I won’t.”
“I don’t deserve forgiveness.” Oliver confessed.
He did not.
The realization was true and full of agony but he deserved it. His impulsiveness had led to his downfall. Would it be the same way if the tables were turned and it was Felicity who had her doubts?
No.
Felicity would have trusted him.
Come to think of it, Oliver had committed the same sin he thought Felicity had done.
If there was any place out there worse than hell, he deserved it.
He deserved it.
Oliver crouched down in front of Felicity. He was desperate, yes he was. Ever since she had come back to Starling City, Oliver had only seen her hatred but tonight, something else burned in her eyes.
It was disappointment.
And it was time he fixed it.
“These things are not easy to forgive.” Oliver started, his hands moving towards his trying to wipe away the tears, “And I don’t even deserve an ounce of it. But I’m going to ask for it anyway.” He tried to laugh it off, “I deserve hell. I deserve everything but once, can we...fix this somehow?”
“No.”
The response was sudden and Oliver felt his world crumbling. Is this how she felt when he had rebuked her?
“I can’t,” she shook her head. “Do you know before leaving Starling, dad called me? I didn’t reveal anything to him. Grammy doesn’t know either. I don’t know if you told them about our last encounter or not,”
His dad knew, hell he even knew that Ray was helping Felicity in dealing with Conner’s death. He had tried telling her all those time but he had refused to listen to him. His Grammy however, wasn’t aware of the last incident between them. All she was aware about was Oliver believed Felicity had cheated on with Ray.
Believed.
Why had Oliver never reached for conclusions?
“I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to talk to anyone,” She closed her eyes, a thing she did when she was in pain, “Because I didn’t want to fix it. I was done. Even if you hadn’t blamed me for Conner’s death, I was done. I didn’t want to see your face which is why I didn’t talk to anyone.”
“I deserved that.”
“You deserve a lot more that,” Felicity declared, “You had your family. I had no one & I had Ray helping me as a friend,” she murmured, “And you thought…I cheated? What about all those time when I found you talking to Laurel, alone? When you were living at Tommy’s and Laurel used to spend time there. I never even once thought about you cheating on me because I thought I knew you.”
“But you didn’t know me,” she stated and stood up, not wanting to look in his eyes. They were full of intense emotions and she was afraid she’ll become weak, “Laurel had been your girlfriend for almost four years, Oliver. Then you cheated on her with Sara. Despite that I never judged you Oliver. I never doubted then how could you do that to me? How could you?”
Oliver had found himself speechless for the umpteenth time that night.
How could he? He never really realize how all these years, she had imposed her trust in him. He had a reputation before but she was the first woman to look past that, isn’t that one of reasons why he fell in love with her?
So, why couldn’t it be two ways?
Why couldn’t he trust her like she did?
“I-I was stupid, I was irrational-but we can figure something out-“
He didn’t want to lose Felicity. He just got her back after so many years. He won’t make the same mistake twice; he wouldn’t let her go this time
“Relationships don’t change overnight, Oliver. They can’t” she whispered. “Besides, we don’t even have a relationship. Relationships are based on trust. You didn’t trust me then and I don’t trust you now.”
“No, something is there,” Oliver sniped out all of a sudden, “I was hurt because I cared. I still do-I want us. I want this-“ He gestured between the two of them, “Whatever it is I want it to be there.”
There, he had had admitted it to himself.
Even if they hadn’t had this conversation, he would want her to be there with him.
Because something had changed.
It had.
He didn’t want to let her go.
“No Oliver whatever it was between us, it’s over. It has been for a while. We’re done,” she wiped her tears, “Get out.”
She was done with him.
“Felicit-“
“Get out.”
“Will you just listen to me once?! Can’t we fix this somehow?”
“Fix this,” Felicity stood right in front of his face, “Fix this how? Did you forgive me? What if I had really screwed Ray, then what? Would you have forgiven me?” She looked straight in his eyes, “You didn’t forgive me for the exact same mistake that you made, Oliver. How am I supposed to forgive you?”
Oliver flinched.
How was she supposed to forgive him?
“Your family called me words. They jumped to conclusions and you never stood up for me. You know what’s worse, Oliver?” she looked at him with tears in her eyes, “That I never expected you too.” She moved back distancing herself from him. “This guy standing in front of me isn’t my Oliver. The one I had fallen madly in love with,” she sniffled. “You are someone else. I don’t trust you and I don’t know you.”
She tried to ignore Oliver’s broken expression.
“You called me your leftover,” Oliver shook his head adamantly; “You’re a coward Oliver. You know why because I tried. I fought for us while you betrayed. You didn’t leave me, Oliver.” she whispered, trying to keep her tears at bay.
“You lost me.”
Feeling weak in the knees, they say. It’s what happens when something becomes too overwhelming---that’s exactly what happened with Oliver. His knees crumbled. He had never been in this much pain—
Not even the day he lost her.
Felicity took a step back, her own heart breaking at the sight of it. She pressed a hand against her mouth before turning around and walking out of the suite and Oliver let out a broken roar.
You lost me.
They say that the irony of life is, that you realize the value of the thing you love the most is when you lose them.
He had loved her.
And he had lost her.
And the worst part?
He didn’t realize what he had lost until now.
….
Felicity leaned against the railing of the bridge where she had come to clear her head. Staring at the waves ahead of her, she fidgeted with her hands, her lower lip tucked between her teeth as she tried to contain her sobs.
But then she gave into the urge to cry and scream and let go of all the pain and hurt. Then she cried.
She cried for her son.
Her husband
Her lost family
Her future
She lost so much because her husband didn’t trust her.
She hated Oliver Queen.
She hated him so much.
…
November 2012
Felicity sighed as she settled herself on the table, dropping her bag on it. A waiter suddenly appeared in front of her and she managed a small grin at him, “Two black coffees with extra su-“ she stopped all of a sudden realizing that she was the only one here and her mouth parted open in surprise, her fingers curling ever so slightly.
“Two black coffees with extra sugar coming up for the couple,” Oliver shoved the foam cup in her hand, a bright smile on his face.
“Thank you,” Felicity grinned back.
“Uh, I’ll have a cappuccino,” She mumbled to the waiter, “Low sugar,” she told him and the waiter nodded before heading back towards the counter.
“How do people like cappuccino, I find it disgusting to be honest,” Oliver wrinkled his nose and Felicity whacked his arm, “Coffee is coffee, Oliver.” She laughed, “It tastes delicious, no matter what.”
“You don’t like cappuccino either, do you?”
“No, I don’t.”
Felicity tried to smile her best when the waiter brought the cup of coffee for her. Her lips curled up ever so slightly on the outside.
But on the inside, her heart was breaking.
….
November 2012
Oliver waited for his dad to come home any moment. His fingers twitched, the anxiety kicking in.
He was finally doing this.
“I think you should give it a try to,” Felicity told him as the two of them laid in their bed.
“Really, you think so?” Oliver blubbered out.
“Yeah, I mean. You are his son after all. And you handled Verdant really well, so I think you would be able to handle QC too.” Felicity elaborated, “I think you’ll do great.”
“Yeah?” He smiled at her and Felicity smiled before nuzzling her face in his bare chest and dropping a kiss there, “Now let me sleep. I’m really tired.”
“And sore.”
“Shut up,” She grinned before whacking him across his chest. His chest rumbled with laughter and he found himself thinking about it.
CEO.
Maybe he could actually be-
“Think over it tomorrow, Oliver. Not now.”
Oliver smiled a little, “I’m not-“
“Oliver.”
“Fine,” He sighed, “I’m sleeping. I’m in a coma, happy?” He tried to grin and Felicity whacked her fist against his chest, “Ow!” He rubbed his chest.
Just then a shrill cry echoed across the baby monitor and Felicity groaned, “Oliver.”
“I’m in a coma, remember?”
“Oliver.”
“Fine,” Oliver got up before wearing his sweat pants and heading towards Conner’s room.
Father.
Husband.
CEO.
He didn’t really mind that.
Especially since Felicity trusted him.
With her?
Anything.
Lost in his own thoughts, he didn’t realize that his father was looking at him, his gaze questioning yet hard. He knew that it was because he was stressed because they weren’t aware of Felicity’s whereabouts and Oliver-
Well, he hated to think about her.
“Dad, I want to be the CEO.”
He would do this.
Oliver Queen
CEO.
He didn’t really mind that.
But now it would be without her.