Chapter Text
It had been a few weeks since he had been officially ‘living’ at the avengers tower.
Loki was still sticking to his usual habits—cutting, not eating, self hatred and much more. But this time it was in the company of the avengers, which changed it.
Why do they care? Why are they trying to give me a home?
It was currently 7PM—or sometime around then. That’s what time it was the last time he checked the clock.
He was sitting on the floor of his room, a blade in his hand. One of the few things he had been able to find while exploring the avengers tower.
Loki was this close, this close, to doing it. But something made him hesitate. The hell is wrong with me?
He placed the blade on the last empty spot of his arm, and he finally got over it. He was just beginning to cut—
“Loki?” He heard Natasha’s voice through the door. Shit, shit, shit, shit—
He rolled his sleeve up but before he could hide the blade, Natasha was opening the door. Fuck.
“Hey, I was just gonna ask—” Natasha’s voice cut off and a sharp gasp exited her mouth. “I… I don’t…”
Fear and shock made his body start to tremble so he acted out of fear. Loki tried to stand up and close the door behind Natasha but as soon as he stood up, his vision started blurring.
He found the door to shut and lock it tight but he passed out before he was able to say a word to Natasha.
He woke up, supposedly only moments after because he was laying in Natasha’s arms, his vision blurry.
“Are you—are—” Natasha was too stunned to speak.
When he regained the ability to act and think, he put his hand over Natasha’s mouth, quickly pushing her to the wall and trapping her against it.
Words and screams that were muffled and inaudible came from her mouth and he quickly shushed her.
Loki felt violently ill. His head throbbed, his body ached and he could barely stand by himself… Maybe that was the reason he was practically leaning onto Natasha.
“I’m going to take my hand off of your mouth,” he breathed heavily into her ear, still exhausted because he passed out. “And you’re not going to move…or say a word.” Fear laced her eyes, from what he could see.
Natasha was nodding, clearly afraid. So he decided to take his hand off her mouth.
She gasped for air and she was clearly panicking, her eyes darting around like she was looking for a way to escape.
Confusion crossed him. “W–what..?” He was confused.
Loki slowly backed away. “You can’t…You—you can’t tell anyone, and I mean anyone what you just saw.” He said, shaking from the fear of being exposed. “You—you can sp… speak now.”
If she told anyone…My life would be over, not that I don’t want it to be, but—
“Why…?” She said suddenly, then shook her head. “Are you okay?”
His brows furrowed. “What? You…” Why isn’t she saying how much of a monster I am? For doing those things, for trapping her, for threatening her.
Natasha was still breathing heavily. “Loki…” she said, looking into his eyes. All she wants to say is how much of a monster I am.
As if she was able to hear what he was thinking, she spoke again, softer this time. “Why?”
He shook his head slowly, his eyebrows furrowing. “I don’t get it… Why, Natasha? Why are you doing this for me? Why are you… caring for me? Why aren’t you…” his voice trailed off, he realized he had gone too far and exposed his emotions. “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
I don’t get it. I’m just a monster, who’s incapable of thinking before acting. A monster that threatens people who care about him just because he’s insecure.
“What is there…” Natasha’s voice faltered, tears welling at her eyes. “What is there to be afraid of?”
His eyes widened as a tear slid down his face. He turned away, unable to face her as he wiped the tears from his eyes. Not now. You can’t be weak.
You pathetic idiot.
Just be normal.
Or just kill yourself, stop doing whatever this is.
He closed his eyes, confusion hit him. Why does she care? Why is she like this?
Loki felt Natasha put a hand on his shoulder and he quickly flinched, turning to face her, scared she would find all the scars—even though she already saw what he was doing.
“Loki…talk to me.”
“I can’t…I—I… You have to stop.”
Natasha looked at him. “I won’t tell anyone. I promise,” she told him softly. “You can talk to me, okay? And if you’re afraid of me telling anyone, you can… I don’t know, threaten me with that blade.”
Loki turned to look at her. “I…” He was unable to form words in his mouth, the lump in his throat made him want to sob but he couldn’t. He couldn’t be weak. Not now for sure.
She looked at him with concern before approaching him slowly. He backed away, scared. “Loki…calm down.”
Natasha slowly pulled Loki into a hug. Loki stiffened, he didn’t want to be weak in front of her but…
He slowly accepted her embrace and hugged her back, pushing his face into her shoulder as tears streamed down his face, uncontrollable sobs escaping him. Sobs he tried to silence.
“It’s okay… It’s okay…” Natasha’s voice sounded calmingly in his ear.
“W—Why are you…Why are you doing this for me?” He said into her ear in between sniffs and gasps. “I—I… I..don’t understand.”
Natasha shhed him and whispered, “Just breathe. Calm down. It’ll be okay.”
Why? Why? Why? I don’t understand.
When they pulled out of the hug, he looked her in the eyes, confusion was all he could feel.
“Sit down,” she gestured to the bed and he obliged.
As Loki sat down next to Natasha, still sniffing, he turned to look at her. “Why aren’t you…you calling me a mon–monster?”
Shock spread throughout Natasha’s face and she shook her head. “Because I don’t believe that’s what you are.”
He gasped quietly to himself and they just sat in silence for a moment. In her presence, he felt somewhat safe but still confused.
Don’t open up.
Don’t let her in.
Don’t show her.
Don’t tell her.
Don’t let her care.
-Natasha POV
She couldn’t believe what had just happened, and now she was sitting next to Loki, the same man who had threatened her and destroyed the city of New York.
But he changed.
That’s for sure.
Natasha glanced at him for a heartbeat, he seemed lost in thought, and she sighed. Why is he like this? I want to know, I want to help him.
“Something…something’s wrong with me,” Loki spoke, and it took Natasha by surprise that he started speaking. She would’ve thought that he wouldn’t start speaking any time soon.
Her eyebrows furrowed, she was confused on what he was talking about, but she gestured for him to continue.
“And I thought it started when… she died, but… I’m realizing now that,” he paused for a heartbeat. “This has been going on…for way, way longer.”
Natasha looked at him, empathy was all she could feel. Why is he doing this to himself, I don’t understand.
“I…” He began, turning his head to look at her. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this,” he whispered.
She looked at his eyes. Tired. Exhausted, not just physically.
“Loki,” she began. “I want you to feel loved.” She told him truthfully. “I want you to be safe.”
“No…” Loki turned away. “No—no, don’t.”
Natasha touched his shoulder, and she could feel him stiffen. “Why?”
He shook his head. “I can’t let you in. I can’t let you get close to me…” he breathed. “Because if I do…then—“
His voice was cut off by the sound of the doorknob trying to be opened, yet the door was still locked from earlier.
“Loki! Let me in!” Thor yelled from behind the door. “Why is the door locked?!”
Natasha turned to Loki and saw how fearful he looked as he shifted away from her.
“Thor, wait,” she said, standing up to go to the door.
“No!” Loki said, panic in his eyes. “Please… don’t let him.”
She nodded before walking to the door, she unlocked it and opened the door, leaving only a crack visible for Thor to see in the room.
“What is going on?” Thor spoke, anger in his voice. “Let me in!”
She shook her head, sighing. “I’m sorry, I can’t do that.” She told him, squeezing through the door to leave the room before closing it again.
“What did you do to my brother?” Thor said angrily, trying to get past Natasha and into Loki’s room.
She pushed him back. “No. I won’t let you.”
He almost laughed. “I’m sorry, but you’re dealing with the God of Thunder. You can’t stop me.”
“Let him be alone, Thor!” Natasha almost yelled at him. “He doesn’t want to see you,” she told him. “But I think you already knew that.”
Thor stopped trying to get into the room now, guilt in his eyes as he looked at her. “What were you doing?”
She shook her head slowly. “I was just talking to him, I…” she paused, not wanting to tell him too much. She had promised Loki she wouldn’t let anyone know about how she had seen him…cutting himself.
“I just want him to be okay.” Thor told her as he walked down the hallway, Natasha following.
“So do I. But right now, he needs some space,” she lied.
She knew that she couldn’t leave him alone. She had no idea what he would do if someone wasn’t there to stop him.
Thor sighed, a hand on his face as he paced around the hallway.
“Look, I need to talk to Bruce about something,” Natasha told Thor. “But I don’t want you to go in there, he should be alone right now.”
He nodded. “I’m sorry for my outburst. I didn’t understand why you were in there, I thought he was being punished.”
“Punished?” She questioned. “I—I would never—“
“I know, I apologize for assuming. You can speak to Bruce, I will let him have space,” Thor told her.
She nodded, walking down the hallway to the stairs towards the MedBay—where Bruce usually was.
I wish I could tell Bruce about this, but I can’t betray Loki. He told me personal things and that would break his trust with me.
As she walked towards the MedBay door, she sighed, wishing she could talk to Loki, but she knew Thor would be suspicious if she talked to him right after she told him Loki needed space.
When the door to the MedBay opened, she looked at Bruce. “Hey…”
“What happened with Loki? Why were you in there so long?” Bruce asked, looking up from the clipboard in his hand.
“Well…” she thought for a moment. How do I tell him but without the details? “We talked for a while. He opened up, but he asked me not to tell anyone.”
He sighed. “Nat, I’m a doctor, I should know. You know I wouldn’t tell anyone.”
“Then you should know I won’t either,” she said back. “Plus—”
Natasha’s voice was cut off by the sound of Jarvis on a small speaker in the MedBay.
“Agent Romanoff, Loki has requested to speak with you.”
She looked over at Bruce, who was already looking at her. “Well, I guess you better go talk to him.”
She sighed, then nodded.
-Loki POV
Loki scratched his neck, itching an itch a little more than he needed to.
Idiot.
Jotunn monster.
You’ll just betray her.
Don’t let her in.
He had requested to speak to Natasha again through Jarvis.
After their previous conversation, yesterday, he had time to think about what had happened, and he set up a conversation with her in the library for tonight.
He thought about everything he told her, everything she said, but he still felt worthless.
His sleeve was rolled up, his arm stinging from the pain of being cut open.
You worthless coward.
Loki rolled down his sleeve. It was currently 6PM, their conversation was planned for 7.
He took a deep breath. After the first week of living in the avengers tower, he had finally gotten courage to leave his room, but it still felt weird.
Even though Thor would bring him food, he would just scrape it in his trash can and leave the dirty plate outside the room.
It’s fine, just leave your room.
He slowly stood up from his bed and walked to the door to his room.
Then he gently opened the door to his room and quietly walked down to the avengers common room.
As he entered the room, he realized it was mostly empty.
It was just Tony and Natasha sitting on the couch, mindlessly watching a reality tv show.
When he walked around the corner, Natasha immediately looked over, looking at his eyes. “Hey, wanna sit?”
“Um…sure,” he said, sitting on the opposite end of the couch from Tony and Natasha.
As he watched the screen move, he zoned out and he fought hard to keep his eyes open but he slowly fell asleep.
—Natasha’s POV
As she sat on the couch next to Loki—at a distance, she turned over and noticed him sleeping.
It was nearing 7PM, their planned conversation time, it was 6:51PM.
When she analyzed him sleeping, she saw how skinny the area by his collarbones looked.
As she kept looking, she noticed small bruises by his collarbones too, and she started to wonder when the last time she saw him eating was.
“Woah…are you like a stalker or something, Nat? What’s up?” Tony jolted her back to reality. She looked around, suddenly aware that she was staring.
“No—I…” her voice trailed off. “His collarbones are really visible.” She muttered to Tony right before gently nudging Loki on the shoulder.
He woke up almost immediately, looking around everywhere at his surroundings like he was surprised he wasn’t in his room. “What..” he began before he realized where he was.
“Hey, it’s almost 7,” she muttered to Loki, quiet enough that Tony couldn’t hear.
Tony appeared still shocked from what she had told him about Loki’s collarbones. “Okay… well, I’m gonna…go work on my armor’s voltage power,” he said, standing up and heading towards his work room.
Loki was breathing heavily next to Natasha.
“I have a question for you, Loki,” she spoke softly.
“Ask away,” he responded back casually, but she could tell he was still afraid,
She hesitated for a moment, unsure if it was appropriate to ask him this but she did anyway. “When was the last time you ate?”