Chapter Text
Lois had always admired Catwoman, even when she was exclusively a villain. She was strong, cunning and gusty. Who would openly flirt with the man chasing you for theft? Apparently, Catwoman did. Nonetheless, Lois thought there was much more to admire with Selina. She was the epitome of cool and the definition of femme fatale. Selina could make drinking coffee sexy.
Selina looked up from her coffee and smiled, decidedly amused of Lois. Steve just drank his tea. This was the right time, thought Lois, to get some information out of the elusive cat.
-So, tell me Selina, how did you manage to seduce Batman when both Wonder Woman and Superman failed at the same endeavor?, Lois politely asked.
Selina laughed a few moments. Steve went still, obviously interested and embarrassed of said interest.
-Well, both of them failed because they underestimated Batman's mind process and I don't think either of them really had any chance with him, Selina innocently said.
-Ok, now you have to tell, Lois whispered conspiratorially while leaning on the table all three of them sat at.
-First of all, Selina continued with one finger raised, I do not believe Batman knows either Clark or Diana had feelings for him.
Steve's eyes briefly widened before he schooled his face to be blank again. Lois leaned closer in,"Tell me how. Both of them confessed their feelings". Selina's lips coyly curled upward, "The way they did it was... problematic".
Selina leaned further forward after a glance around and recounted both confessions from Batman's point of view. Apparently, she had overheard Batman complaining of 'pranks' everyone seemed to try to play on him.
Eight years ago, one evening, he was heading to the batcave to become Batman. Someone rang the bell. Alfred answered and let in Diana Prince in her civilian clothes. Batman had been surprised by her appearance. To his knowledge, there was no meetings, nor urgent events warranting her arriving to his home. Nonetheless, Batman sat down and drank some tea with her for a few minutes while she spoke of wars long past and how men's world was so strange. Batman (or Bruce) decided he had heard enough and told her that if she had no further issues, he had to start patrolling. Diana sat straighter and ordered him not to stand up or she would make him regret it. Batman hated orders so he did it anyway. Diana had her truth lasso out in an instant and she advanced calmly towards him. He ignored her, turned his back and walked out of the room toward the clock blocking the entrance to the batcave. Diana used her lasso to stop him in his track and she said, in a too calm voice to be true, she had to let him know of something before he went downstairs. Batman demanded she left him go. She ignored him and asked him to go out with her. He frown and said, "I already said I have to patrol today". Diana said she loved him and it was a good idea for him to go out once in a while. He should take this opportunity to get to know her better. Batman had blinked at her and requested she let him go. She punched through the wall beside her and asked again whether he would go out with her. The stubborn man yelled, "No. Now. Let. Me. Go.". She let him go, and stormed angrily outside. Batman had been stunned by her actions and went downstairs to suit up.
"Selina", Steve interrupted hesitantly, " why would you believe Batman did not think she had feelings for her? From your own storytelling and her own, it is clear she did admit them to him".
Selina smiled sweetly at him, "Wait until I finish telling you about the love confessions".
So, after Batman had finished suiting up after his confrontation with Diana, Superman floated in the batcave. He was also uninvited and unexpected... And most certainly unwelcome after Diana's visit.
"The same day?", Lois whispered aghast.
"Yes", Selina shivered sensually back.
Superman, without talking to Batman, hugged him very hard against his chest. He then proceeded to ramble incoherently. The vigilante had had enough nonsense for a day. He ordered Superman to let him go immediately. Superman continued mumbling incomplete sentences under his breath. Batman whipped out the Kryptonite from his belt and punched the other superhero on the jaw. Superman stumbled away. Batman asked Superman whether he was poisoned, mind controlled or sick. Superman responded he was love sick. Batman waited, his Kryptonite still out, for some sort of explanation. Superman said he loved Batman and wanted to hug him to death. The other superhero made all his normal test on Superman to determine if Luthor had finally found a way to make Superman go crazy. He found nothing, meaning he was still not looking hard enough. Superman mumbled about a pact with Wonder Woman. Batman thought this would explain both Wonder Woman's and Superman's ridiculous behavior. He finally let Superman out of the cave.
"So... Batman believes someone 'convinced' Superman and Wonder Woman to confess their feelings to him?", Lois asked, an hand under her chin and a frown on her face.
"Worst, Batman probably believed someone manipulated both Superman and Wonder Woman into believing they had feelings for him in order to torment or prank Batman. He might also have thought Superman and Wonder Woman competed to prank him ".
"Why would he think that? That seems a stretch, even for him", Lois continued.
Selina gave her an enigmatic smile,"You don't know Batman. His paranoia is always astonishing. By the way, the courting rituals of both superheroes were... strange".
"What do you mean?"
"Diana arrived at a gala to dance with Bruce Wayne."
"What's strange with that?", Steve asked perplexed.
"She kept stepping very hard on his toes. Bruce Wayne was too polite to show any pain on his face for the whole dance".
"That's impossible! Diana is agile and an excellent dancer!", Steve protested.
"That is why Batman thought it was a prank or revenge".
"And Superman?", Lois prodded with avid interest.
"He put chocolate in the Batmobile with a lovely note".
"And?", Lois prompted.
"The chocolate melted on the seats, thus the note sounded sarcastic".
"How did the chocolate melt in the batcave? Isn't it cool there?", Lois pushed.
"I have reasons to believe Robin was mad at Batman for getting grounded and he melted the chocolate to take his revenge".
"Then Robin let Batman blame Superman for it?", Lois asked clearly astonished by the audacity of a teenage boy.
"Well, knowing Batman, he probably took some sort of revenge on Superman without telling him why. Robin was probably counting on the fact Batman is bad at communication".
"Did they do other things to tell Batman their feelings?", Lois interrogated.
Selina gave a small crystallized laugh, " Of course. Over the years, I heard him complained Diana had left a dead boar in front of his door and Superman left flowers made from ice on Batman's computer. Exceptionally, all of the Manor's inhabitants were away for a few days. The boar smelt very badly at their return and the ice, although it wasn't supposed to melt until a few days was passed, had drenched all Batman's high tech computer. I also heard Batman complained of anonymous love letters. He was so sure they were threatening or blackmail letters in disguise. I almost laughed at his face when he had asked me whether I had seen those secret codes used before. The letters were strangely written, yet certainly love letters. He would not believed it at all. For example, Batman thought Diana had written she wanted a midnight duel. He went there and was soundly defeated. He thought Superman was challenging him in a competition of harvesting his family farm. Batman invented a high tech tractor and helped Superman harvest. Superman was confused about the whole thing, so was Batman, as Superman did not seem to compete against him. At least, he sold his tractor idea under another name and got some money out of it ".
"Wow, I knew Superman had a crush on Batman, but I never thought Batman was so out of touch with reality", Lois exclaimed.
"I am happy Diana gained a better understanding of the Men's world before she started dated me".
"But", Lois continued," as interesting as this is, I distinctly remember you saying neither Superman nor Wonder Woman had a chance with Batman. Why is that? I mean beside the way every one of their 'courting' behavior was misconstrued by Batman".
For the first time since the beginning of the conversation, Selina stopped smiling.
"I don't know how to say this simply. Batman... Batman is a broken man. Neither of them understand his brokenness. They...don't know he is still stuck at one moment in time, no matter how much time passes. Wonder Woman and Superman are great superheroes".
"So is Batman", Lois continued after a silence.
"Yes. But, you see, Batman became a hero because he was broken. In a way, he does not want to stop that moment, that time he is stuck at. A relationship with someone stuck at one moment in his life is doomed to fail", Selina whispered while slowly sitting straighter in her chair.
"Are you saying he and you won't work?", Lois asked softly.
"I sound like an hypocrite, but I believe we might work it out. Because we are both stuck at that moment in our life. We understand our story comes and goes and each time we fail and come back, we get closer to the heart of the matter. Nobody will be healed. It just might work", Selina said looking at the floor.
Lois felt bad with the way the conversation was going. Selina did not need another open wound. She looked at Steve and he nodded. Time to end the conversation.
"Selina, darling. If you need us, we are there for you. I'm sorry I pushed you so hard to reveal this. I did not mean to pry", Lois murmured gently.
"It's fine Lois. Sometimes, I need to talk. I hope we get to meet again to vote for the photos. This Batman fan club is fantastic. It drives Bruce crazy. He almost interrupted his patrol evening plans to attack Red Hood for putting a bow on the batsuit during Batman's fight with Killer Croc and taking a photo of Batman during said fight. Hopefully, he won't murder Damian for drawing "Damian is the best" on his cheeks while he was sleeping and taking a photo of it or Alfred for medicating him to make sure he slept that night".
"I still don't understand how all the batfamily except Batman is in with this photo contest", Lois asked, letting Selina change the subject of the conversation.
Selina let a soft smile take over her lips, "It is a competition. Of course everyone wants to win. They are all super competitive at games and everyone of them wants to prove to Bruce they can win. Superman and Wonder Woman get their photos. Everyone wins".
"Except Batman, apparently", Steve muttered under his breath. Neither women paid him any heed.
"Well, as pleasant as this was, I have to go. See you Lois and Steve".
"Bye Selina. Bye Lois. I'll see both of you later".
"Bye Selina. Bye Steve. I'll wait for Superman here. I'm sure they have almost finished dealing with the situation".
Lois was left at the table, checking for Superman and Wonder Woman on the news to see the event that had forced the adjournment of the Batman's fan club had concluded. It had. Clark would be there soon.
A moment later, Superman flied in and looked around, "Where are Steve and Selina?".
"Since you were both taking your sweet time, they went home".
"Ah, Ok."
"Are you sad there is no Batman's fan club's complete meeting this month?".
"A bit. It is fun to get together and talk about something other than destruction and villains".
"Well, as far as hobbies goes, this one is one of the most interesting you have".
"Really?"
"Really. By the way, Selina told me Batman probably never believed neither Diana's confession nor yours all those years ago".
Clark blinked. He seemed startled. Lois did not notice.
"That is hilarious. You are three of the most power beings on Earth, yet your misunderstandings are truly out of this world".
Clark smiled while his eyes looked in another direction and said exasperated, " Yes, it is funny".
"So, are you finally ready to take me home? We can watch the new Games of Thrones episode. I rather not receive any spoilers again before watching the episode".
Clark took her in his arms and murmured softly,"Yes, let's go home".