Chapter Text
Gintoki was not exactly what you’d call an expert when it came to the intricacies of the female anatomy. He wasn’t an idiot, of course, he knew… things and stuff. But he wasn’t a gynecologist or, you know, in possession of a uterus. So while Gintoki knew the theory of how periods worked, he didn’t really understand exactly what constituted a normal one.
And considering how jaded he’d become through all his previous experiences with blood, he’d rather… overestimated exactly what normal was.
“Gin-san! Tae is at work right now, but she told me where her emergency supplies were and she’ll be here as soon as- HOLY SHIT, KAGURA-CHAN!“ Shinpachi shouted as he walked in to what looked like a murder scene.
Gintoki glanced up from the latest shonen jump just long enough to roll his eyes. “Don’t be squeamish, it’s perfectly natural. The circle of life and all. Did you skip sex ed in middle school?”
“NO, THIS IS NOT NATURAL. KAGURA IS BLEEDING OUT.” He shouted, stepping around a growing puddle of blood. Kagura was curled up on the floor, clutching her stomach and whimpering pathetically. She looked paler than usual. Ghostly pale. Almost transparent. “Kagura-chan. Can you hear me? Can you stand alright, or should I call an ambulance?”
“Don’t scare her. Kagura, you’ll be perfectly fine. Just go into the bathroom follow the directions on the package.” Gintoki picked through the bag Shinpachi had set aside and tossed a nondescript cardboard box in Kagura’s direction. “Womanhood is messy and painful business, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.”
“I’ll be fine, Shinpachi. The pretty men with wings tell me so.” Kagura smiled, projecting a sense of peace and bliss people only find on their death bed. Shinpachi gasped with fear. “They say I’m going somewhere really nice. Where I can eat for days and days and never get fat.”
Shinpachi took her by shoulders and gave her a good shake. “STAY WITH ME, KAGURA! DON’T GO WITH THE ANGELS, IT’S NOT YOUR TIME.”
“Oh hush.” Gintoki picked his nose. “Plenty of girls her age have imaginary friends.”
The door opened to reveal Otose, face transforming to mild worry to pure horror in a split second. She immediately went to her knees right next to Shinpachi, not caring that kimono would be ruined by the blood. “Oh sweetheart, what could’ve done this to you?”
Gintoki tossed Jump aside and cracked his neck. “Why is everyone being so dramatic? She’s just having her first period, all women do…”
It was then that he realized something was off. He made eye contact with Otose, who looked like she’d just watched a car crash. “All… women…”
Gintoki stood up and started pacing the room, leaving crusty red footprints all around the room. His stomach punched itself and left him gasping. He fumbled for his phone which slipped out of his hands and onto the floor, falling into the flood of what he was just now realizing was way too much blood. He held it to his ear, repeating to himself that he has had all kinds of blood on his face. Menstrual blood was no different. “Hey, Suzumiya-san! How’s your mother? Good! That’s good. Oh, I’m alright-“
“WHO THE HELL IS THAT? CALL 911!” Shinpachi yelled, trying to keep Kagura conscious.
“I AM! SUZUMIYA SAN'S ON DUTY TONIGHT AND HER MOTHER WAS SICK LAST WEEK! I WAS JUST BEING POLITE!” The Sakata residence knew all of the 911 operators pretty well by now, considering they needed an ambulance every other week or so. “Sorry. We’re going to need an ambulance as soon as you can. It’s Kagura-chan. Yeah, I know she’s like a little wrecking ball. Nothing less than Godzilla can take her down usually- Oh, the ambulance is on its way now? You are a saint, thank you! Tell your mother I said hi.”
“I don’t wanna go to the hospital. I wanna go with the pretty men to the Korean BBQ. They have giant forks so the food must be good.” Kagura mumbled, coughing weakly.
_
The Sakata household visited their local hospital more often than any other place in town. All of the doctors and nurses were like extended family at this point. It made the hospital comfortable. Like going to a granny’s house. All of the nurses and doctors were like distant cousins and uncles, which was both a blessing and a curse. It was nice being surrounded by familiar faces during stressful times like these, but it meant they were also uncomfortably familiar with all the hospital gossip. They had to request a new nurse because they knew their nurse was cheating on her husband with a couple of the interns and no one wants to be involved, even tangentially, with that when your loved one might be dying.
The staff was very understanding, though. They gave Kagura their usual room. It still had the hole in the wall where Kagura stuck her head through it to yell at a cancer patient last time. The two most comfortable chairs in the hospital were on either side of her bed and an extra cot was set up by the wall so at least one of them could always be in the room when she needed it.
The adorable little monster looked small and weak. Even the blinding brightness of her hair seemed to have faded. Neither of them were comfortable with seeing her like this. It was like watching your stony, impersonal father cry while watching the Titanic. Both of the men who lived with her were so used to her using at least three times as much space as her tiny body actually occupied.
Shinpachi was sniffling.
Gintoki crushed the thin plastic cup and let it fall to the floor. “If you’re gonna cry, just do it. I don’t have the patience for your sniffling.”
Shinpachi cried. Big, snotty tears ran down his face. “There was just… too much blood. She’s not… she’s not-… going to be alright this time is she?”
The samurai didn’t answer. He wished he could say Kagura would be fine. He wished he could just spit out a comforting lie to make Shinpachi feel better. He wished he could tell the boy anything, any little fact that might make him feel like someone had control over the situation. But he had nothing. He knew nothing. He could do nothing but wait.
He hated waiting. He hated feeling so useless that the only thing he could do is sit in a corner and stay out of the way. He needed something to punch. Something to kill to make it all better. If the hospital got attacked by rhinos it would at least give him something to do.
“She’s can’t die, Gin-san! The narrative structure of this anime won’t allow for it!” Shinpachi sobbed pathetically, his big brown eyes puffing up into a dripping wet mess. “Say something, Gin-san!”
Would it just be him and Shinpachi from now on? How could he stand the goody two shoes without Kagura to poke fun at him and add some spice to his insufferably bland personality? A straight man is only effective when around actually interesting people. Without Kagura, their entire dynamic fell flat.
Their usual doctor came in looking more somber than usual. Gintoki ground his teeth. Whatever news he had, it wasn’t going to be good.
He spoke up, his face grey and gaunt. “I’m afraid, I don’t have good news.”
“What is it, doctor?” Shinpachi asked meekly, wide eyes pleading as though that could change the outcome of events. “Is it… Can we do anything?”
“No… I’m afraid it’s a lost cause.” Gintoki was already planning a lovely, tasteful but informal funeral in his head. There would be a massive banquet. The Shogun’s sister was her best friend, so surely she’d be willing to pitch in a bit. They’d play happy music. Anything but Otsuu. And when Umibozu showed his bald head, he’d gladly surrender his life for so stupidly letting Kagura die under his roof. “My ex-wife’s lawyers have a stranglehold on my balls. They’re gutting me for everything.”
“NO ONE ASKED ABOUT YOUR DIVORCE, IDIOT!” They yelled in unison, jumping out of their seats.
“Oh, right. You probably meant that kid you brought in.” He mumbled, rolling his eyes. “She could be dying.”
Shinpachi wailed, throwing himself into Gin’s chest. Gin felt the words squeeze the air out of his lungs.
“Or she could be fine. No one knows shit about Yato anatomy.” He continued with a shrug. “All we know is although she has lost a lot of blood, she also seems to have at least three times the amount of blood as the average human which I’m sure wasn’t there last time she was here. I don’t know what is causing this or why, but it seems almost like very severe menstruation symptoms. Except… instead of just replacing the lining of the uterus, the body is trying to violently expel the entire reproductive system and maybe the bladder and kidneys too and rebuild it all from the ground up. But what would I know. According to my ex-wife, my knowledge of female anatomy is severely lacking. Not that she’s ever complained during what I thought was 15 perfectly happy years of marriage or anything.”
After the two samurai had heard way too much about the… anatomy of the girl they’d long thought of as a sister, daughter or comrade, the doctor slouched out of the room still grumbling about his evil ex-wife.
Gintoki shook off the stunned teenager who still clung to him in a confused stupor and attempted to wring out his now damp kimono.
Shinpachi still stared at nothing in shock. “So… she’ll be ok?”