Chapter Text
2:04 PM/14:04
sweet potato: waot os do yiu acutaly wante me to selep over????
aliens exist: WHY OG COURSE YAMAHCAN ヽ (^ ∀ ^) ノ
sweet potato: oh okat whn
aliens exist: NOW
sweet potato: :o oaky!
sweet potato: os it just g ona eb me ther??
aliens exist: um can i invite iwaa-cahn?? also makki and matssun!!!!
sweet potato: U H YAEHS SHURE
aliens exist: okiay thnaks yaam-chan!!
Oikawa smiled as he stared out the window. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and he had just showered, so he didn't feel like the Sweat Monster™ that Iwaizumi used to tease him about when they were younger.
“If you don’t shower, the Sweat Monster comes to you in your sleep and licks up all the fluids in your body through your pores, leaving you a dried, dead shell. You’ll look uglier than normal.”
“IWA-CHAN, HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?! YOU KNOW I’M SCARED OF HORROR-”
“That’s the point, Oikawa.”
He decided to text two of his best friends and his boyfriend.
SEIJOH THIRD YEARS HELLA GROUP CHAT
aliens exist: HI GIYS PARTY AT MY PLACE
makkironi: and so thats hte story of how i got high on a plane and got kicked off it in america
aliens exist: waht
aliens exist: makki you are so full of shit you liteerally toldm e that you didn't get kicked of the plane you just got off when they made a pitstop and didn't know u weren't at ur grandmas town’s airport
makkironi: um no you cock :) they kicked me off for being too baller :)
mattsonicblast: its ok babie i belibe u
godzilla4ever: youre so full of shit makki. Lol
godzilla4ever: Whens the party trashykawa
aliens exist: :D IWAXHAN CAERS ABOUT ME
aliens exist: also ints like now btw
aliens exist: get eher quick or i'm eating all rh oreaos
mattsonicblast: fuck ic ant find my bob duncan dildo
mattsonicblast: i can't come without it
makkironi: dw babe i have it u left it here remember
mattsonicblast: oh dam ya lol
makkironi: babe ill pick you up
makkironi: be redy
mattsonicblast: oh u know i'm always ready 4 u ;)
godzilla4ever: You two are absolutely disgusting
aliens exist: I DODNT THIN KYOU GUYS A UTALLY USED THE DILDO I GABE IT AS A MOCK GIFT WHAT THE FUKC THA T S SO WEIRD
mattsonicblast: lol
mattsonicblast: but u spent so much money on it so why wouldn't we use it :) it’s certainly better than my left foot :)
aliens exist: wat h te achuatal FUCK mattsun
godzilla4ever: Alright i'm here . Open your front doot
godzilla4ever: oh god no
godzilla4ever: door
godzilla4ever: D O O R
mattsonicblast: doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot
makkironi: swaging out bye my ballers B) b redy bbie i'm on me way
mattsonicblast: B) got my luub redy babie ::)
Oikawa locked his phone and raced down the stairs to open his front door, throwing his phone on the couch in the heat of the moment. He pranced towards it, pulling it open and attempting to jump into the arms of his muscled, thicc Iwa-chan.
However, Iwaizumi curved him and walked into the house, letting Oikawa fall onto the cold, unforgiving wooden porch with no regret.
“Where are the Oreos?” He called out from inside. Oikawa assumed he was looking around the kitchen.
Oikawa groaned from his spot on the ground and picked himself up, dusting his shirt to get rid of the crusty-ass dirt that had caked the wood (his family really needed to clean more smh). He stomped into the house, through the living room, and to the kitchen, where his asshole boyfriend was rummaging through the pantry and cupboards for Oreos.
“Iwa-chan, for one, I feel betrayed. You just let me fall-” Oikawa had his pointer finger in the air, his nose upturned as he began his rant.
His phone cut him off. It was his Skype ringtone. Forgetting his asshole boyfriend, he sprinted out of the kitchen and lunged for the couch, falling onto the coffee table in the process and hitting his shin on the edge of it.
“Jesus motherfucking CHRIST!” He let out a small scream. Iwaizumi cackled from the pantry, still looking for the Oreos. Jokes on him, because Oikawa ate them all.
But whatever, fuck Oreos for the moment. Since Oikawa dropped his phone in the bath a few months ago, he’d only hear like, one out of every several messages ring. In this case, his phone only dinged for one message when there was twenty. What a fucking piece of shit phone.
sweet potato: akaashi-senpai
sweet potato: should i keep auto-correct on
owlkaashi: Yes.
sweet potato: but!! it doesn't show who i truly am!!
owlkaashi: But at least we can read what you type.
yahaba-s: hey now, I can read what he types about 90% of the time. It just takes a bit of deciphering.
chicken meme: unpopular opinion but i would rather you not use autocorrect because i like how you type
sweet potato: KNEMA YOU RE OS CTUE
chicken meme: thx u too
chicken meme: sorry was that too dismissive i’ve never been in a relationship before
sweet potato: :D ots jsut fine!!!
sweet potato: AITO COREECT FOF
yahaba-s: hey guys serious question sorry to change the topic but
yahaba-s: if I, hypothetically, would like to take a dick and vibrator up my ass at the same time, would the vibrator be pushed into my intestines and to my stomach or would I just feel very, very full?
chicken meme: what the fuck
chicken meme: i don't even like sex but i know this is some weird shit
owlkaashi: At this point, I’m not even surprised.
owlkaashi: But I assume you’re asking because you intend on trying? I hope your boyfriend’s dick isn't too large.
sweet potato: ehat hte hecl
sweet potato: wnot it jsut fleel weeird
yahaba-s: I’m feeling somewhat kink-shamed rn so I’m gonna go
aliens exist: YAAM-CAHN YO SYHOUDL BE ON YOUR WAY TO MY HOUSE
aliens exist: EHY AREIY OU IN THE GROYP CHAT
sweet potato: ONM SO SROORY BUT YYOU DIDNT TELE ME UYOR ADRRES ANDI WAS TO SACARED TO ASK
aliens exist: ojh lol
“Dumbass,” Iwaizumi said with a snort from his shoulder, having moved to read over the text messages like the nosy asshole he was.
Oikawa let out an undignified, high pitched screech and dropped his phone. It fell to the floor and clattered as it touched the wood.
They were both silent.
“If my phone screen is cracked,” Oikawa started, his voice holding a foreign calm that Iwaizumi barely ever saw on him unless he was on the court, “you’re buying me a new one.”
He picked it off the ground shakily, stared at it for thirteen seconds, and wailed.
Right on the side of the screen, there was a tiny scratch, not big enough to be noticed unless you knew about it.
“IWA-CHAN, YOU FUCKING MONSTER!” He yell-cried, staring at his broken phone. “YOU RUINED MY PHONE!”
Iwaizumi stared at his boyfriend, unimpressed and done with his shit.
“No I didn’t,” Iwaizumi stated calmly. “You’re the one who dropped it. Take responsibility for your actions, Shittykawa.”
“OH, WHY YOU-” Oikawa screeched and turned around to kick, maybe punch his boyfriend, but then thought better of it because if he did he was gonna get his ass whooped.
“You should probably apologize for yelling at me, too,” Iwaizumi continued, moving to throw himself on the couch. He grabbed the remote and turned the TV on, laying back and reclining in the end couch’s chair with his arms behind his head, looking as relaxed as ever. Kinda smug, too, like a cat that stole a fish from the small tank in the house it lived in and ate it. Smug like that. You know.
Oikawa stole the remote from the couch and threw it at his crotch.
aliens exist: giuys,, iwahacn bROKE my phne!!!
yahaba-s: did he? why?
sweet potato: o NO SI IT OJAY
chicken meme: one time kuroo and i decided to drop our phones off the school roof
chicken meme: to test our otter boxes
chicken meme: i had to get a new phone
aliens exist: KENMACHNA WHY OWOULD YOU EBEN DO THAT
chicken meme: the aesthetic
aliens exist: SYOP IT FOCIS ON ME ROINGHT NOW
aliens exist: OIM GOING TOHROUGH A CRISIS NAD I CSNT EBEN READ MY OHPONE SCREN BECOSUSE ME TEARS
sweet potato: DNOT WORIY OIKAWA SNEPAI I WILL BE THER ESOOON
sweet potato: asolo quiuck wusetiong why dony owe ever do viveo cals ieve done af ew with oookawa sepnai but thants it
chicken meme: well for one
chicken meme: i would probably decline it because i'm ugly
chicken meme: for two
chicken meme: i don't have a two
yahaba-s: well in all fairness it would probably lag a lot
owlkaashi: I don’t want to video call you guys. You’re very loud, and Bokuto-san has broken my headphones for the third time this year
sweet potato: KNEMA YOU ARE N O T UGKY !!!!! YUORE CUTE ADN ADORIABLE AND PRESCIOIUS AND I WNAT TO CIUDDLE YOU AND KISS YOU FOREVER
chicken meme: thats gay
owlkaashi: Oh my god.
chicken meme: but same tbh
chicken meme: i mean i wanna do that stuff to you, not myself
Hanamaki pulled up to Matsukawa’s house, parked in the driveway, and pulled his phone out of his pocket, calling his babe.
“Hey, sweaty,” He said as soon as Matsukawa answered. “I’m here. Come outside.” He whispered seductively. He hung up his phone, shoving it back in his pocket and waited patiently for his sweathart to get the fuck out of bed.
At last, Matsukawa emerged, pulling up his sweatpants. Hanamaki saw a hint of his pink boxers and licked his lips, tasting the after-taste of the cheetos he ate for breakfast and lunch. Matsukawa looked really good in pink.
“Get in, baby!” He called to his hot boyfriend, leaning out the door window. Matsukawa stared at the car in shock, bringing a hand up to his mouth in awe.
He ran towards the car, hopping in without opening the door (like they do in the movies with the topless cars). His legs smacked Hanamaki in the face, but that was okay. Hanamaki was blessed to be touched by such a god.
“How...How did you get a car like this?” Matsukawa asked as they backed out of the driveway.
“It’s my sister’s. She’s at a friend’s house and won't be back until tomorrow,” Hanamaki replied evenly, keeping his eyes on the road and his hands at ten and two. Matsukawa let out an ‘Ah’ sound and nodded his head.
They continued rolling down the street like true thugs, illegally driving at the age of seventeen, without an adult or their license. But it was okay. There wasn’t much traffic, and of the existing drivers, most avoided them for some odd reason.
“Hey,” Matsukawa said as they drove out of the neighborhood at a very leisurely pace. “Can I drive when we get to Oinks’ road?”
Even though they both knew Matsukawa had no experience driving anything, Matsukawa still asked and Hanamaki still considered it.
“Hmm,” Hanamaki pondered, bringing a hand to his chin in a thoughtful position. “I suppose, yes.” He conceded. Matsukawa smirked.
“It’s gonna be the best damn ride you’ll ever have,” He said, except he’s wrong because the best damn ride he’ll ever have is on Matsukawa’s dick.
“Hey sweathart, can you turn on the radio?” Hanamaki asked after a few moments of silence.
“Yeah, sure babiedoll,” Matsukawa grinned and pressed a button, and Barbie tunes flowed through the music player.
“Ugh,” Hanamaki groaned. “I hate that song. It’s always playing, which sucks when I take the car out at three am for some McDonalds, yaknow? The neighbors call my parents and complain sometimes, which sucks, because I get grounded.”
“Yeah, babiedoll,” Matsukawa whispered solemnly. “I know.”
“Yama-chan, glad you could make it!” Oikawa greeted Yamaguchi at the front door with red-rimmed eyes and cheeks tear-streaked from crying.
“I, uh, I’m glad to, um, be here!” He said shakily, staring at Iwaizumi’s fierce scowl in slight terror. The buff male was killing Oikawa with his eyes and holding a bag of ice to his dick. He, too, had tear tracks on his face.
Yamaguchi didn’t really want to know what happened. Well, he did, but he was also scared to hear it.
“Come on, Iwa-chan, say hi to my best friend Yama-chan!” Oikawa said forcefully through clenched teeth. He grabbed Yamaguchi’s arm somewhat painfully and closed the door behind him. Yamaguchi barely had time to toe his shoes off and drop his bag by the wall before he was being forced to sit down on the couch next to Iwaizumi.
“‘Hi to my best friend Yama-chan’,” Iwaizumi parroted in a falsetto high pitched voice.
Oikawa took in a deep breath and plastered a fake smile on his face. “You know what?” He said, laughing fakely and forcefully, trying his best not to whoop his boyfriend’s ass, even though he knew he would get slam dunked into a fucking garbage can if he tried. “You’re not my friend anymore, Iwa-chan, or should I say... Iowa-chan?”
They were silent for a few minutes, until Iwaizumi spoke up, spitting words of truth.
“Isn't that a continent in Mexico?” He asked, eyebrows furrowed. He didn't seem to care that Oikawa was being a pissbaby and denounced their friendship.
“I. . .” Yamaguchi said with a grimace. He didn’t know how to respond. “I don't think so,”
“Oh.” Iwaizumi shrugged nonchalantly, and probably would have looked cooler if he didn't have those crying streaks on his face and a bag of melting ice on his dick, turning the cloth around it dark from the water leaking.
“Makki and Mattsun messaged me, they said they’ll be pulling up soon in Makki’s sister’s car, so we should go wait for them.” Oikawa cut through the awkward silence. Yamaguchi stood up, ready to go wait for the two, but Iwaizumi pulled his body back down onto the couch.
“What,” Yamaguchi said, more in shock than anything else.
“Please help me up,” He whispered into Yamaguchi’s ear.
Oh. Okay. It made sense, kind of. Oikawa has a killer serve, and he probably smacked that remote so hard that Iwaizumi’s dick and balls broke or something. If Yamaguchi was in the same position, he’d probably be crying. But he cries a lot, so.
“Alright,” Yamaguchi whispered back, and, waiting when Oikawa turned his back, he stood up and pulled Iwaizumi up with him. He figured Iwaizumi wouldn’t want Oikawa to know how much he was in pain.
Iwaizumi grimaced and shuffled forward, using Yamaguchi as support.
“Don't tell Shittykawa about this,” He muttered gruffly. “Don't want him getting ideas about his strength.”
“Oh, uh, yeah, got it, don't worry dude.”
The two made their way to Oikawa’s front porch, and took a seat on the swing. Oikawa continued to tap at his phone with his manicured nails, and besides the clicking sound, all was silent. Oikawa lived on a dead-end road, with only a few houses close to it, and most of them were old ladies (besides the Iwaizumi family) and so. You could normally hear anything down there.
Yamaguchi picked up the sound of a high-pitched voice, and two male voices yelling and laughing and disturbing the peace. There was also a hint of something else, but. Yamaguchi couldn’t hear it enough to say what it was. “Is. . . Is that Barbie?” He whispered, narrowing his eyes in confusion. “Who would be listening to Barbie?”
“BAD BITCHES IN THE CLUB, PUTCHA HANDS UP,” A loud shout came from down the road, too far to see who. But Yamaguchi took a wild guess and figured the noise was coming from dumb and dumber.
“Hey, that’s them!” Oikawa perked up, though he didn’t look up from his phone.
“Oh my fucking god, what the fuck,” Iwaizumi said in shock, staring at the hot pink children’s barbie car going down the road at .25 miles per hour.
“What,” Yamaguchi said, staring at the car. Hanamaki and Matsukawa were both wearing black shades, and it seemed like one of them was playing American trap-rap over the Barbie tunes. Yamaguchi could a little bit relate to that (sometimes he would play My Heart Will Go On recorder version over Tsukishima’s emo tunes).
“They’re both uninvited, I’m done,” Oikawa muttered, standing up from the porch and going inside. He probably lifted his head, saw the Twin Disappointments™, and decided he wasn’t putting up with their shit today.
“Come back, Babiedoll!” Matsukawa called loudly as he pulled into the driveway, accidentally driving into the grass and running over a few planted flowers in the process. They crashed into a large potted plant and the car tipped to the side, falling down. The two fell out of the car, and Yamaguchi was pretty sure their glasses broke from hitting the ground. Also, the car was irreversibly damaged (there was literally pottery sticking out of the front and Yamaguchi knew that surely you can't send in a power wheeler car thing to get fixed. Probably).
Yamaguchi and Iwaizumi witnessed their bloody, gruesome deaths.
“Fuck!” Hanamaki screeched in panic. “My sister is going to kill me!”
“Babiedoll,” Matsukawa let out a quiet sob. “My legs. . . They’re. . . Broken. . .” The two boys sobbed into each other’s arms. The phone was still playing trap-rap and got to the section where the rapper objectified women.
“So, uh,” Yamaguchi broke the silence. “Should we, like, leave them, or?”
“Yeah,” Iwaizumi struggled to stand up. “Let’s just go.”