Chapter Text
Thor snorted awake. He was lying on a slab of cold concrete, his cheek pressed awkwardly to the floor. His head was throbbing, his vision spinning, and for a moment he half-expected Fandral to clap him roughly on the shoulder and congratulate him on how much mead he had drank the night before.
Instead he was greeted by the sight of an angry Tony stark, armor-less, sitting on the floor across from him, leaning against the wall. Tony wore a black t-shirt that was slightly ripped with a pair of dark jeans. His hair was mussed, his face was bruised and he stared down at Thor unamused, obviously blaming him for the situation they were in.
Tony noticed Thor was awake, he hunched up his shoulders and made an exaggerated grimace. “BLAH BLAH BLAH.” He stated in a dopey gruff voice, crossing his eyes “I’M THOR THE GOD OF THUNDER AND STUPID DECISIONS!” He hunched over, sticking his lower jaw out like an ape “DURR HURR LET’S BREAK INTO A EVIL BASE WITH NO RECONNAISSANCE OR PREPARATION! OH AND I KNOW! LET’S BRING SOME CRAZY NANNIES ALONG! YEAH THAT’S A GOOD IDEA! NANNIES!”
Thor raised his cheek from the floor. His cheek was patterned with the rough texture of the cell concrete, he raised a hand to rub it “Aye, and a good morning to you as well Stark. I am heartened to see you in good cheer.” He rubbed at his neck and was disturbed to find a collar sitting there. Some kind of mechanism attached to the band. He tried pulling in it but it held tight.
Tony picked up a rock on the inside of the cell and chucked it at the God like a petulant child. The rock bounced off of Thor’s forehead before falling to the floor.
Thor sighed.
Today wasn’t going well.
On the other side of the room there was a loud gravelly snore. Thor turned his head to look.
On the other side of the room across from Tony and Thor, Deadpool was laying sprawled across the floor, face down, snoring loudly. Apparently the same guards that had thought it prudent to strip Tony of his armor, had also seen to it that Deadpool was stripped of his...everything.
Thor watched Wade’s heavily scarred ass rise and fall as he snored, covered by nothing but a pink Hello Kitty brand pair of panties. The beleaguered thong was stretched as far as it would go, the Hello Kitty face there heavily distorted across the stretchy fabric. Hello Kitty herself seemed to scream in silent pained anguish as she was stretched over scarred buttocks.
Next to Deadpool, Scorpion leaned against the wall. Her black hair was loose around her shoulders, her glasses were cracked and her body armor and gauntlets were missing. She laid back defeated, scratched and worn. She held the baby doll in her lap, the doll scarred and scuffed, rocking back and forth gently as if to lull it to sleep.
Tony rolled his eyes “Are you happy?” he asked Thor. “Because of YOU we’re locked in a cell with miss creepy baby doll, and Wade’s ass. I blame you personally.”
Scorpion huddled over the baby doll. Her hair hung limply in her face. She ran a thumb down the doll’s face, the plastic there now scratched and worn, one eye now missing.
“I am sorry Jonina.” She whispered “I have failed you.”
Tony groaned and rolled his eyes “Lady will you stop with the stupid crazy baby crap I-”
She didn’t seem to hear him. Her eyes glazed over as the echoes of bombs rang in her ears. Visions of blood and sand swam through her head, screams echoing through the night as bomb after bomb fell. Flashes of light over pocked and desolate landscape. The smell of Earth, gunpowder and the copper tang of blood.
She leaned down farther, cradling the baby doll closer to her chest. “Mommy couldn’t protect you Jonina...Mommy couldn’t protect you when you needed her…” Sparks flashed behind her eyes. A shrill scream. A child running through the dark. She rested her forehead against the plastic of the doll’s head. “Mommy could not protect you, so mommy decided that she would protect every child, make sure their caretakers knew how to protect them. So no child would ever be hurt again. ” She raised her knees and brought them closer to her chest. “I failed Jonina.” she whispered, her voice small and ragged “I’m so sorry…”
Thor looked to Tony. Tony sighed and leaned back to thunk his head against the wall, glaring at the ceiling and suddenly feeling like an asshole. Wade continued to snore loudly. The pink Hello Kitty panties clashing with the serious moment.
Tony seemed to come to a decision. He rose from the wall, brushed off his pants and walked over to where Deadpool was laying on the concrete. “Hey asshole.” Tony hooked a finger under the elastic of the pink panties, stretching it back before letting it go, snapping it like a rubber band against Wade’s bare ass.
“AHH FUCK!” Wade woke up with a shriek, his hands scrabbling to his sides for the guns that were usually on his holsters. He looked over his shoulder at Tony. “What? Where am I?”
Tony had his hands on his knees. “You’re naked in a jail cell, idiot.”
Wade’s hairless eyebrows quirked up. “Man...If I had a dollar every time someone told me that…”
“Yeah well.” Tony sauntered over to the cell door. Thor and Deadpool watching him as he went. He cracked his knuckles and eyed the door like just another obstacle to overcome “Get your shit together. We’re escaping.”
An evil henchman was on a mission. His uniform was made from dark streamlined armor, shining and bulletproof. He walked with purpose, his combat boots clicking against the dark concrete of the facility, echoing through the hall ominously. His hands were behind his back as he walked, back straight and shoulders broad. The fluorescent lights of the hallway shining the smooth glass of his helmet, the shield covering the entirety of his face. Stoic and expressionless, a golem of evil design and malicious intent.
He arrived at his destination. His leather boots coming to a halt, clicking together with militaristic precision.
He stood in front of a machine. A blocky mechanism of dark metal and smooth polished glass. The logo of their particular branch of evil organization emblazoned on the side.
His goal was in sight.
He took his hands out from behind his back, cracking his knuckles in preparation. So much had been leading up to this moment.
So very, very much...
He reached into his utility belt and pulled out a-
-Dollar
He hummed and inserted the dollar into the machine in front of him. There was a little electronic whirr as the machine processed the currency. The evil henchman leaned back on the balls of his feet as he waited. He hummed for a moment and popped his lips.
The machine spat out the dollar.
“Oh come on.” The henchmen whined. He picked up the dollar off the floor. He brought the dollar to his face to inspect it. “It’s only a little bit wrinkly…”
He raised his knee awkwardly, trying to pull the dollar across his battle armor to straighten it. He was a bit off balance, hopping for a moment to keep from falling over. He was able to regain balance though, and began to flatten the dollar against the plating of his suit, bringing the paper back and forth in a couple of quick strokes. The paper squeaking as it slid across the metal.
He inserted the dollar into the machine once more. “Come on come on come on.” He whispered to himself, bouncing up and down slightly as the machine whirred, processing the bill.
With a tiny electronic “ptoo!” The dollar was spat out again.
“UGH!” The minion threw his head back and yelled into the hallway, stomping his feet petulantly and kicking the front of the machine with a loud that thunked hollowly “COME ON.”
The minion picked up the dollar once more. He popped back up again and pointed an accusing finger at the machine. “I’m warning you.” He hissed, his voice low and dire, the crack of lighting and the fall of empires “One way or another….I’m getting my GODDAMN gummy bears…”
The gummy bears gazed back at him from beyond the glass of the vending machine. A Thousand cheery smiles trapped in their plastic packaging. Calling out to him. Temptation in the form of chewy fruit flavor. Saccharine sirens.
The evil minion took the dollar once more. Rubbing it across the smooth plane of his face mask. The dollar squeaking as it was rubbed back and forth.
He pulled the dollar back, inspected it for wrinkles, his brows furrowed unseen behind his face mask. He popped the dollar back into the machine.
There was an electronic whirr and-
“Ptoo.” The machine spat back out the dollar.
This time he was ready for it, catching the dollar before it exited the machine fully. “Son of a bitch.” He whispered, pushing it back into the slot.
“Ptoo!” The machine tried to spit the dollar back out but he kept his fingers over the slot, trapping the dollar there with a triumphant chuckle.
The machine attempted to spit out the dollar once more “NO! NO! STAY IN THERE!” the minion growled. The dollar fluctuated in and out in and out, the machine attempting to spit it back out, but the minion keeping his fingers over the dollar slot.
The henchman growled and took out his sidearm. Blue light shone through black metal plates as the futuristic gun activated. He pressed the muzzle of the weapon to the glass of the vending machine. “TAKE MY DOLLAR OR ELSE.” His warning was deathly dire.
There was an electronic whirr as the machine processed the dollar and….
The machine beeped an affirmative, the dollar amount displaying on the little LED screen.
The minion put his gun back into the holster “Yeah...That’s what I thought, bitch.” He hummed happily and punched in the code for the gummy bears. Wiggling back and forth a bit in excitement.
There was a clink and a clunk from the machine before the little metal ring keeping the gummy bears from falling into the retrieval space below began to spin.
The minion watching it eagerly. He sang a bit to himself as he waited for the gummy bears to fall into the retrieval space. Wiggling his hips and shaking his fists in that embarrassing white mom dance. You know the one. The one we’ve all seen when someone’s mom, probably named Sharon, member of the PTA, and currently wearing cheetah print sweat pants, has a single glass of wine.
“I know a girl who's tough but sweet, bum bum baaa bum. She’s the kind that can’t be beat bum bum baa bum.” He pointed at the bag of gummy bears as if each gelatinous fruit confection was a fangirl at his concert “Yeah IIIII WANT CANDY BUM BUM BA BUM! III WANT-”
The bag of gummy bears began to fall but-
A corner of the bag became stuck in the machine. The bag of gummy bears hanging from the very edge over the retrieval space. Oh cruel fate! The minion pressed his hands against the glass in dismay, thunking his helmet against the glass of the machine “NO! YOU BASTARD!”
He pointed his gun at the glass of the machine. “I TOLD you.” He hissed direly “I TOLD you I was going to get my GODDAMN GUMMY BEARS.” He cocked his energy gun, the black plates of the machine separating, powering on with a small “waum”. He pointed the gun at the glass front of the machine, he pulled the trigger and-
A volley of blue light shot from the gun, the vending machine was shrouded in a puff of black smoke, there was a ricochet and-
The smoke dissipated. The vending machine stood in the hallway, completely intact. The gummy bears still hanging haphazardly.
Damn. The minion thought. Clenching a black leather bound fist. He had forgotten about the last several times someone shot open the vending machine...and the subsequent replacement with a laser-proof snack depository.
He looked left down the hallway…
Right down the hallway…
When he did not see anyone, the minion dropped to his knees, scootching awkwardly across the floor until he was level with the retrieval slot of the vending machine. This was entirely against regulation but-
He reached into the machine. Unseen under the mirror-like helmet his tongue was peeking out from between his lips in concentration, his fingers splaying outwards. He strained to reach into the machine, his shoulder pressing awkwardly into the lip of the opening, his helmet pressed to the glass of the machine. He stretched his fingers, just barely skimming the edge of the gummy bear bag and-
“Hi commander!” Someone chirped.
“Gah!” The minion turned to who addressed him. He tried to pull his arm out of the vending machine, but it was stuck there, the armored plates of his battlesuit catching on the inside of the machine.
Two guards stood above the commander. Matching uniforms, guns, and confused expressions. They were flanking an elderly hispanic woman. The woman seemed completely unconcerned, knitting placidly where she stood, wearing a tactical vest and boots.
“Uh…” One guard raised an eyebrow at their commander, sitting on the floor with his hand stuck in the company vending machine. “...are you ok?”
The commander put the hand that was not currently stuck in a vending machine to his hip. “What is THIS?” He motioned angrily to Lupita. The old lady looked up from her knitting just long enough to smile at him and wave one wrinkly hand.
“Uh…” The first guard shrugged “We found an old lady.”
The commander pinched his helmet where the bridge of his nose would be. “I can fucking see that. GET RID OF HER.”
Lupita looked around placidly “Oh my...the nursing home sure has had some nice renovations…”
The second guard pouted, his shoulders slumping “But I don’t want to! She’s just an old lady!”
The commander raised the arm not still trapped in the vending machine “WHAT ABOUT SUPER SECRET EVIL ORGANIZATION BASE DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?”
The first guard rubbed the back of his neck “Yeah we’re evil but like...that would be a whole new level.” He motioned towards Lupita, the old woman humming while knitting “I mean come on! Look at her! She’s someone’s grandma!”
The commander leaned back with a huff, his helmet clicking into the glass of the vending machine “Look, I know you guys don’t want to kill an old lady, I get it, but rules are rules.”
“That’s right.” The second guard leaned down and smiled at the commander “Rules ARE rules!”
The second guard grinned and leaned down as well. He rested his head on a fist as he smiled cheekily at the commander “Like the rules about not tampering with the company vending machine!”
The first guard steepled his fingers, smiling over his fingertips. He waggled his eyebrows at his commanding officer “So….I won’t tell the big boss about your vending machine escapades, if you don’t tell them about our old lady!”
The commander bonked his head against the glass of the vending machine. “...fuck.”
The guards grinned. Their hands clasped together with hope. “Is that a yes?”
The commander sighed “Fine.”
Both guards squeaked with glee, putting their gloved hands to their faces.
“BUT!” The commander pointed at them “Professor Cornelius doesn’t hear a WORD of this!”
The guards nodded “Right!” “Gotcha!” the spoke in unison, grinning as they gave each other a high-five.
They led Lupita into the break room, the old woman with a hand on each of their arms. “This way miss, there should be a couch in here you can use.
“Wait!” The commander waved after the two subordinates that disappeared into the break room “What about the-”
The door slammed shut and the commander was left alone in the hallway, his arm still stubbornly stuck in the vending machine.
“...Fuck.”
Spiderman, Black Widow and Megan the babysitter were all still trapped in the computer room. The scientists that had been stuck to the wall with Spiderman’s webbing were beginning to yawn boredly under the webbing that gagged them. Megan was spinning in the office chair in front of the computer, she accidentally kicked a coffee mug off of one of the scientist’s desks, one of the scientists webbed to the wall grumbled angrily.
Spiderman groaned angrily, he looked at the laser grid that surrounded the room, trapping them all inside. He squinted, trying to shoot a strand of webbing at the machine that generated the energy. The webbing fizzled, burning away to a crisp. He swore under his breath.
Black widow was off to the side, picking her nails with a sharp dagger.
Megan sighed, curling up into the desk chair she sat in, resting her head on her knees.
Spiderman turned to Natasha “A little help here?”
Black widow gave the grid a once over, the entire walls were covered in a sizzling hot energy field. “There is no obvious weakness to the laser system.” Natasha deadpanned. She looked at her reflection in the mirror-like polish of the knife “We can only hope that they need one of these scientists enough to come and get them, giving us a chance to bargain with our hostages, or fight our way out when they disengage the grid.” She shrugged “Or we hope for rescue. From either the other team or our operative still on the outside.”
Spiderman glared at her “..operative on the outside of the- “ His eyes widened, one eyebrow arched cynically “Do you mean LUPITA? You know, the one who is an old lady?”
Black widow shrugged, going back to picking her nails with the blade of her knife.
Megan sighed, her eyes wide as she hugged her knees to her chest, her mouth pinched “Poor Lupita. Who knows what awful things are happening to her right this very minute!”
Lupita was led into a small grey room. Clinically clean, bland and cold. A rickety folding table sat off the the side next to a sagging couch and an old humming refridgerator. Bland music played quietly in the room, the kind they play in elevators or doctor’s waiting rooms.
A couple of minions were milling around in the the room, sipping coffee from coffee mugs emblazoned with their evil logo. They talked about sports, the weather, the equipment in whatever sector that was malfunctioning, the hostile takeover of the entire world, the office Christmas party. One minion sat at the table eating a baloney sandwich on white bread.
“Alright!” The first guard put his hands on his hips “Well, random old lady we found in the hallway, here’s the break room.”
Lupita scowled at the room, her hands on her hips. She crossed over to the minion eating the baloney sandwich. She ripped the sandwich out of the minion’s hand. The minion’s brows furrowed as a tiny old woman stole his sandwich. “You eat this...FILTH?” She sniffed the sandwich and threw it away with a grimace and a gag.
“Hey…” The minion she stole the sandwich from grumbled “My food…”
Lupita shook her head. She laid a tiny hand on the minion’s shoulders. “That, mijo...that is not food.” She hobbled over to the fridge with determination “Come now.” She opened the door to the fridge and began to root around, grabbing an armful of ingredients before dumping them on the counter-top “Abuela will make you some REAL food!”
Lupita yanked a tablecloth off of the card table, wrapping it around her hips and tying it in a smart bow behind her.
Delicious smells began to waft out of the evil minion break room, tempting passersby with the smell of butter and sugar. The rumor began to spread throughout the facility, minions from every sector made hasty excuses to leave their posts, sneaking down the hallway and to the break room.
The commander scowled as minions edged passed him, his hand still stuck in the vending machine. “What? Where are you idiots going?”
Minions pushed past each other, an excitable crowd of armor-clad villains. Murmuring and straining their necks to see beyond each other, the smell of butter and brown sugar heady in the air, intoxicating to the henchmen who had as of yet subsisted solely on bland evil organization cafeteria food and whatever was in the vending machine.
Lupita was in the evil organization kitchen. Goggles over her eyes, her brows furrowed in determination, a bunsen burner pilfered from a neighboring laboratory. Finally she flipped up her goggles and turned towards the henchmen, a smile on her wrinkled face, a tray of miraculous cookies in her hands. “Alright!” She chirped “Who wants cookies?”
There was a scream of joy from her villainous audience, practically frothing at the mouth with want and awe.
“OH MY FUCKING GOD HOMEMADE COOKIES!”
“ARE THOSE CHOCOLATE CHIP?”
“HOW THE FUCK DID SHE DO THAT WE DON’T HAVE A STOVE?!”
There was a frantic scramble as fifty or so henchmen reached for cookies, stuffing the ooey gooey masterpieces in their faces. It was a symphony of butter and melted chocolate chips. Beethoven's symphony in cookie form. Was that violins playing in the background? A choir of angels singing? Heaven comprised of warm home made chewy baked goods? Pastry that melted in your mouth, transporting you directly to your grandmother’s kitchen when you were five years old and the world was safer and better than it was today?
The guards that found Lupita smiled, chocolate smears on dopey content smiles. “Oh man..” The first one whined “I might actually cry…”
His brows furrowed. Something in the world around him seemed off-kilter. He felt his legs wobble beneath him. His head felt lighter.
He looked down at the cookie in his hands. His vision began to blur in and out, colors fading and re-saturating in a nauseating way. “H-heyy…” He turned to Lupita, the world slowing down to a crawl as the old lady smiled placidly at him “w-what wwwerre innn thooooosee??”
Lupita smiled and patted the guard on the cheek. The man swaying sleepily back and forth. “Abuela’s secret recipe…” she grinned and put a wrinkled hand to her mouth as she chuckled. She pulled an orange medication bottle from one of the pockets in her tactical vest. The bottle now very much so empty.
“Nap time, pendejos.” Lupita chuckled and put one finger to the guard’s forehead. She gave him a slight nudge backwards, his eyes rolling to the back of his head and falling to the floor with a thump. The minions around him quickly followed suit, their eyes rolling to the back of their heads and falling to the ground in heaps, the cookies still in their mouths or falling to the floor around them.
Lupita stood over the minions, her hands on her chubby hips. The minions were snoring, laying atop each other, some of them were clutching each other like teddy bears in their sleep.
Lupita nodded to herself. “Sweet kids.” She sighed and shook her head “Stupid, but sweet.”
Lupita then gathered up her purse and her knitting, humming as she stepped over the limbs of unconscious minions. On her way out the door she untied the tablecloth she had been using as an apron and spread it out over the pile of sleeping minions as if it was a blanket. She then tip-toed out of the door, turning off the light behind her like putting a child to bed, except instead of a child it was fifty minions of an evil organization.
The commander was still in the hallway, his arm stuck in the vending machine as Lupita came out of the room.
“WHAT DID YOU DO?” The commander demanded, as intimidating as someone can be while their arm was stuck in a vending machine.
Lupita leaned down towards him with a smile “shhhh…” She put her finger to her lips “The children are sleeping.”
Before he could answer, Lupita flipped up his face mask, jamming a cookie into his mouth. She put a hand to his chin. “Nap time, bitch.” She whispered. The commander yelled, the cookie muffling his scream like a gag, his eyes rolling to the back of his head, slumping back unconsciously.
Lupita hummed. She searched the commander’s pockets, pulling out a key card. She pocketed the key card and continued down the hallway, the commander slumped down behind her, melted chocolate dripping from his mouth like blood.
Tony turned to Thor in the jail cell “Have you tried calling mjolnir?”
Thor grinned and sat upright. “Oh! I didn’t consider that!”
Deadpool clapped his hand “That’s right! This fanfiction was written before the Author saw the newest Thor movie where that was destroyed! He still has it! We’re saved!”
Thor squinted at him “What about mjolnir being destroyed?”
“Nothing….absolutely nothing…” Deadpool waved a hand dismissively “I’m also sorry about your hair, but that’s another issue entirely.”
Tony shook his head “Please just ignore him. Call mjolnir and make it break a hole in the jail cell wall.”
Thor nodded and extended a hand “Return to me my-”
In the Evil organization company bathroom, the same one Deadpool, Iron man and Scorpion were apprehended in, a guard sat alone on the tile, watching the hammer dropped by The God of Thunder ™ himself. Nobody in the evil organization could lift the hammer, which meant that poor Jerry had been stationed here to watch it.
Jerry sat on the tile, hugging his knees to his chest. He had a radio in one hand, a giant red button in the other. He watched the hammer nervously for any sign of life, terrified of the moment where it would begin to move. Evil minions didn’t tend to last long in this business, at any moment a literal norse God could call the hammer, ripping through him and the wall. Why did he even take this job? They don’t even have dental insurance! He never should have dropped out of college! He just wanted to be a dancer mom! A dancer! But no!
Another minion zipped down his pants as he whistled, using a urinal behind Jerry.
Fuck this entire place, Jerry decided, watching the hammer with the air of certain doom as his coworker peed and whistled behind him. Fuck this entire place.
Thor raised his hand, closing his eyes in concentration, flexing his fingers silently, calling on the ancient magic that bound them together, focusing on mjolnir and-
The hammer moved slightly!
Jerry shrieked loudly, falling to the floor of the bathroom in terror. The coworker that had been peeing was also screaming, frightened by Jerry’s screaming. Both men, screaming. Frightened tears streamed down Jerry’s face. He pressed the button he had been given and -
“AH!” Thor screamed and clutched at his neck. He slumped back to the floor as jolts of electricity wracked through him, making him shiver and shake uncontrollably his muscles spasming and jittering.
Jerry was on the floor of the evil organization men’s bathroom, tears streaming down his face, clutching the red button to his chest like a talisman. The coworker that had been peeing at the urinal before stood over him.
“Dude!” The other minion stated, pulling up the zipper to his pants “What the hell was that?”
Jerry looked up at him, his eyes wide “It MOVED.”
The other guard rolled his eyes.
“S’cuse me gents!” Another minion winced and edged his way into the men’s bathroom, wincing as he held his stomach “Taco tuesday in the evil cafeteria! You know how it is!” He then waddled into bathroom stall and hurriedly closed the door behind him.
Jerry laid on the tiled bathroom floor.
Goddamn it, he thought. I just wanted to be a dancer.
Thor rubbed his neck where he sat on the floor. “Ow.” he announced. Little flickers of electricity still sparkling from the device.
“Shit.” Tony put his hands on his hips.
Deadpool shrugged “It was worth a try.”
Tony glared up at the ceiling, a fly was circling the solitary lightbulb there. His head cocked to the side, deep in thought as the electric bulb hummed noisily above them. Tony smiled “...I think I have an idea.”
Deadpool grinned and raised his hand, wiggling ti like an overeager elementary school student “ooh! Ooh! Can I help?”
Tony looked over his shoulder at Deadpool “That depends, are you still the most annoying person on the planet?”
Deadpool looked down at himself, the front of his Hello Kitty thong read “Check Meowt boys!” He looked up at Tony. “Check!”
“Good.” Tony nodded “Just be your usual obnoxious self.” He looked up at the lightbulb on the ceiling “Now does anyone have a screwdriver?”
Black Widow, Spiderman and Megan were still trapped in the computer room, the webbing holding the scientists were beginning to dissolve. Evil scientists, belonging to this random branch of club evil ™, complete in their lab coats, glasses and evil name tags, just kinda dropped to the floor like evil ripe avocados off an evil avocado tree. Spiderman just let them slide or tumble back down onto the floor, watching them passively from where he was seething, sitting on the ground, the eyes of his mask narrowed at the energy that surrounded the entire room. I mean they were all trapped in here anyways.
When it became extremely clear that none of them were going to be let out soon, there was an extremely awkward round of introductions, a lot of coughing into hands and shuffling feet like middle schoolers at the school dance, the scientists introducing themselves to the heroes and the heroes introducing themselves to the evil scientists.
“Hi I’m Gary! PHD in evil sciences.”
“I’m Megan!”
“Are we really doing this?….Fine. Spiderman.”
“Craig, I do IT work here”
“Natasha Romanov.”
“Hi I’m Ed! I’m an evil scientist! I made the laser guns people have been shooting you with!”
Afterwards, Gary the scientist pulled out a monopoly box from under his desk with a sheepish smile. “As long as we’re all stuck here!” he shrugged “We might as well!”
Which is how two heroes, some evil scientists and a highschool student who was a member of an ultra militaristic secret society of nannies, ended up sitting around a monopoly game board.
“I call the shoe!” One of the scientists wiggled in his seat and reached for the little silver shoe token.
“No way!” the eyes of Spiderman’s mask narrowed “I always play the shoe!”
The scientist put his hands to his hips “Well I had to spend hours under your webbing! I think I deserve to be the shoe!”
“Yeah well.” Spiderman waved away the argument “If you weren’t evil scientists I wouldn’t have webbed you!”
The scientist scoffed “You didn’t need to web us! We’re the evil NERDS! We don’t have guns! What would we have done? Scienced you to death?”
Megan turned to Spiderman “...He does have a point.” she whispered through her braces.
The scientist grinned and took the shoe piece, Spiderman crossed his arms and glared at him. “Fine.” Spiderman grumbled “Then I get to be the little car.”
“No!” Megan wheezed “I’m always the little car!”
“Oh my god!” Spiderman let his head drop to the board “I hate all of you!”
“You are all fools.” Natasha informed them calmly, looking at them over Spiderman who was currently face-down on the monopoly board “The best piece is obviously the hat.”
The scientists scoffed “Oh yeah? What’s so great about the hat? It’s just a hat!”
Natasha looked down her nose at them. “Then how do you explain….THIS” She whipped up her finger, the little silver hat perched on the end. The extremely dangerous superspy, who happened to be classified as a human weapon, then bobbed her finger up and down like her finger was a tiny man wearing a hat while out and about. She glared at them from over her finger, confident in the superiority of the hat, daring them to question the obvious evidence.
They had to give her that one, the little hat was pretty sweet.
The game was going pretty well. Everyone hated each other, there was constant bickering, Megan was in jail, Spiderman was ready to tear the board in half and the evil scientists were currently gloating. So a pretty standard game of monopoly.
“BOOM!” one scientist yelled as Spiderman landed on one of his properties. “Pay up!”
Spiderman growled and tossed a couple bills at the scientist. “You know Craig, you can take the shoe token and shove it up your ass.”
“MHMM YES.” Craig the scientist rubbed the monopoly money Spiderman had given him across his body as he gloated obnoxiously “YOUR RAGE FUELS ME.”
Spiderman looked like he was about to either jump across the board, or web the scientist’s mouth shut when there was a click at the door.
With a small “waum” the laser grid covering the door powered down. Lupita peeked into the room. She had her hands on her hips as she looked down at the group on the floor, tapping one military boot impatiently. “Come on now.” She chastised “Pack up your things and say goodbye to your friends, we’re leaving.”
“Awwww…” The group whined inn chorus.
The scientist that had Spiderman’s monopoly money looked up at Lupita “But we don’t know who one yet!”
Natasha slammed her hands onto the board “That’s what YOU think!” She got up into his face, her brows furrowed “While you were busy with hotels I bought the utilities AND the railways! Spending all your time with hotels? You stupid bitch? I have more property. Your ass is MINE! MINE AND YOU KNOW IT!” She took a wad of monopoly money and flung it up into the air. The brightly colored bills wafted down in a righteous storm of fake currency.
“OHHHHH!!!!” spiderman pointed at the evil scientist, his other hand clenched into a righteous fist “Another win for the good guys!”
“NOOOO!!!!” The scientists put up their fists, flabbergasted and dismayed at their loss. One scientist fell over,his mouth agape, staring at the ceiling with shock “Curse you!!!!”
“Power of the hat, bitch.” Natasha whispered, her eyes aflame as monopoly money flittered down from the air “power of the hat.”
“Come on!” Lupita ushered the heroes out, packing up the board game and dusting off their clothes “We have a little girl to save!”
The heroes waved goodbye halfheartedly, Natasha flipped the scientists the bird, and with that, they were gone, the laser grid re-engaging as soon as they were out the door.
“Crap.” One scientist put his fist to his palm “They reengaged the lasers!”
One of the scientists glared down at the monopoly board “I can’t believe we lost...Monopoly is a game BUILT for villains…”
The other scientist nodded “...Black Widow scares the crap out of me…”
They all took a moment to nod in agreement.
Tony Stark sat on the floor of the concrete jail cell, the fluorescent light bulb, that had once been on the ceiling above them, was now disassembled in Tony’s lap, an ominous jumble of wires and metal. Deadpool, Thor and Scorpion who had recently woken up from her stupor, all crowded around Tony as he worked. Something sparked in his hands and he hissed, cursing and putting a burned finger in his mouth.
“Alright.” Tony said, slightly muffled as the finger was still in his mouth. He took out the digit, raising up the contraption in his hands to give it a critical look. “That should do it.” He turned to Deadpool.
Deadpool was still dressed in only the Hello Kitty panties, looking at Tony eagerly. “Yes?” He asked expectantly.
Tony raised his eyebrows, cocking his head and looking at Deadpool like a bomb about to be dropped “Are you ready?”
Deadpool put his hand up in a salute “SIR YES SIR!”
Two minions sat by a rickety card table.
“So…” The first minion looked at the second minion, scratching his bushy mustache “...got any threes?”
The second minion shook their head “Go fish.”
“HEYYYYYY!” a voice screamed down the hallway. There was a small window on the cell door, complete with the stereotypical metal bars. Deadpool stuck his face through the bars as far as he could, his scarred face glaring out from between the bars like a miffed cat. “WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKS-” He screamed into the hallway, disturbing the rousing game of go fish happening just beyond his vision “WHO THE FUCK TOOK MY PANTS?”
The first guard looked at the second guard, his nose wrinkled with indignation and disgust. “....You took his pants?”
The second guard shrugged, not meeting the first guard’s eyes as he shuffled the deck of playing cards they were using “He might have had weapons!”
“I MEAN I WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD IF IT WAS JUST MY UTILITY BELT BUT… PANT’S AND SHIRT HUH?”
The first guard continued to stare at the second guard, his brows furrowed under the helmet of his uniform. “Seriously Carl?”
The second guard, Carl, shrugged, continuing to not meet the other man’s eyes “He’s known to be sneaky!”
“IT’S NOT LIKE I’M KNOWN TO BE SNEAKY!” Deadpool groused “DID YOU THINK I HAD A TASER UP MY ASS OR SOMETHING?”
The first guard turned to their coworker Carl. He set his hand of cards down on the table, crossing his arms and raising a brow. Carl began to sweat.
“I BET YOU LIKE SCARRED GUYS HUH?” Deadpool screamed out from between the bars. “DID YOU LIKE THE PANTIES I WAS WEARING? HUH??”
Carl slammed his hands to the card table, cards from their game flying everywhere. “SHUT UP PRISONER!” He yelled back at Deadpool. He stood up from the card table and began to storm down the hallway. The first guard snickered as the second guard stormed past them.
The guard reached the door “SHUT UP YOU-”
The guard reached for the door. Tony was hunched behind the door, just beyond the guard’s vision, regrettably eye-level with the pink bulge of Deadpool’s Hello Kitty thing. The hello kitty on the front of the stretchy panties seemed to stare at Tony.
The guard touched the metal handle of the door and-
“NOW!” Deadpool shouted, stepping back from the bars of the door.
Tony pressed the device to the metal door, the device sparking as electricity traveled through the metal of the door, into the guard’s hand as he grasped the door. The minion shrieked and convulsed, shuddering shaking as electricity traveled through him.
Just as the minion began to slump over, Deadpool once again reached through the bars, gripping the front of the guard’s uniform and pulling him in, slamming the minion’s head into the metal bars.
“Carl?” The second guard rose from his seat at the commotion “Are you ok? What’s going on back there?”
Deadpool wiggled the now unconscious minion back and forth, rubbing the keycard on the minion’s uniform over the card reader in front of their cell.
The second guard drew his side arm, raising it as he began to walk down the hallway “Carl? He asked are you-” His eyes widened as he saw the cell door leading to Thor, Deadpool, Tony and Scorpion’s cell open. He scrabbled for the radio on his belt “THE PRISONERS ARE LOOSE JERRY PRESS THE-”
Before the guard could finish though, there was a screeching yell. Scorpion barreled out of the cell, she jumped onto the wall of the hallway, kicking off and doing an extremely impressive, and totally unnecessary backflip before slapping the baby doll across the minion’s face with a sharp CRACK. The minion falling to the ground in a heap of futuristic armor and poor life decisions, go-fish novelty cards spraying out in every direction.
Thor stepped out of the cell, his hands on his hips as he nodded approvingly at the two unconscious minions in the hallway. “Excellent! Good work team!”
Tony shot the thunder god a dirty look “You didn’t do anything!”
Thor nodded “Yes!” He walked past Tony “Good work team!”
Tony rolled his eyes. He put a hand to his face and rubbed the bridge of his nose “Alright, first order of business is finding my suit and YOU-” Tony pointed at Deadpool “FIND SOME PANTS!”
Scorpion stared at the security cameras lining the hall “Why are there not more of them? What happened to the security guards monitoring the cameras?”
In the evil minion evil break room of evil, fifty or so minions were still on the floor after being drugged by Lupita’s laced chocolate chip cookies. They snored, their mouths agape and smeared with chocolate. In another empty office, the camera feed from the hallway played, the guards that had supposed to have been monitoring it asleep on the floor of the break room.
Thor stood next to Scorpion, his hands on his own hips as they both stared into the camera. “Odd.” Thor agreed.
Rooting around in the oddly abandoned corridors of the evil compound they eventually found a side closet where there items had been unceremoniously stashed. Tony’s iron man armor tumbled out of the closet as soon as he opened it, his helmet rolling out and clattering to a stop like a tin can.
“REALLY?” Tony huffed “REALLY? YOU JUST PUT THIS MULTIMILLION DOLLAR SUIT IN A BROOM CLOSET?” He grumbled as he stooped down to pick up the pieces of the Iron man suit. “Fucking villains have no respect these days.”
Scorpion shrugged and picked up her gauntlets from the mess.
Deadpool fished around in the pile for his spandex. He pulled out the red and black suit. He grimaced as he pulled it out “Why is this sticky? Oh my god why is this sticky? Oh fuck that’s so gross...”
Deadpool turned to Thor “I don’t see your MOJOLGNERNERFER here.”
“Mjolnir.” Thor corrected gently
“Whatever.”
Thor nodded to himself, his brows furrowed “None of them must be worthy to lift the hammer.”
“What?” Tony looked at the both of them, fitting his armor back into place “So it’s still in the men’s room?”
Jerry the minion sat on the floor of the evil bathroom, staring at the hammer on the floor in wide-eyed panic. Behind him one of his coworkers was still in the bathroom stall, groans of “Oh god I’m never eating the cafeteria’s taco tuesday again” wafting out from the stall along with a myriad of unpleasant sounds and smells.
Jerry stared at his radio, wide-eyed and biting his nails through his leather gloves “Ross? Hello? You said the prisoners are escaping? Press the WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO PRESS?”
Suddenly a red dot appeared on Jerry’s chest,the minion froze when he spotted it. Jerry whimpered, the dot traveled upwards until it was in the center of his forehead. Jerry’s eyes crossed as he attempted to follow the red dot upwards.
Tony stark stood above him, once again in the full Iron man suit, his rocket systems trained on the minion.
“Hi.” Tony greeted the minion who was close to shitting his pants “I’m going to level with you here buddy-” Tony sighed “Today has been a shitty day, I’m tired, I’m hungry, I spent all day in a cell, and I’ve had to look at Deadpool in a thong.” He squeezed his thumb and forefinger together “I am THIS close to blowing your brains so-” He aimed a blaster at the wall and fired. Jerry the minion yelped as Iron man shot a laser through the wall, blowing a large hole in the side of the bathroom and onto the surrounding jungle. “-step away from the hammer or I’ll shoot you.” He waved a hand awkwardly “-or whatever.”
Thor threw up his hands “And why did thou not do this BEFORE?”
Iron man turned back to him “SHUT UP I WAS TIRED OK?”
Deadpool put his head in his hands “You mean you could have just- oh my god.”
Thor cursed under his breath and rolled his eyes.
“YOU KNOW WHAT?” Jerry the minion stood up from the floor “FUCK THIS SHIT!” He threw his radio, gun and giant red button to the floor, the machinery clattering against the tile. He leaned up into Iron’ Man’s face, his teeth bared in an angry grimace, Iron man leaned back uncomfortably “I WANTED TO BE A DANCER!” Jerry screamed, frothing with animalistic rage “A DANCER!”
And with that Jerry the minion gracefully pirouetted across the floor of the evil bathroom, ballet leaping out of the scorched hole in the bathroom wall and into the thick foliage of the jungle.
The group watched him as he went, pirouetting angrily into the trees until Jerry the minion was out of sight.
Tony’s brows arched under the Iron man mask “...Ok then…”
“Go live your dreams dude…” Deadpool whispered, wiping away a tear with a gloved hand “Go live your dreams you majestic fuck.”
Ellie laid back where she was strapped onto the hospital bed, a pair of sensors stuck to either side of her head. A machine to her side beeped constantly, showing a readout of Ellie’s biometrics. The lab she was in was the size of a church, deep within the belly of the evil compound, far underground, dug into the very bedrock the jungle above them sat on.
The main work area of the lab sat on a ledge about thirty feet wide, overlooking the expansive hollow of the rock, below them a large tank filled with greenish, slightly glowing liquid swirled ominously, scientists in lab coats flanked either side of the tank, taking measurements and writing things on clipboards. Large machines flanked the walls on either side, feeding green goop into the tank and filtering out the same green goop on the other side.
Ellie’s hospital bed was on the upper ledge. Scientists and equipment crowding the small space. Doctor Abrams stood next to Ellie’s hospital bed, scrutinizing the readout on a couple of odd sciencey-looking machines, he scribbled dutifully onto a clipboard.
Ellie stared at the ceiling. Deep in thought. “So…” Ellie began “...If you were possessed, hired an exorcist, but didn’t pay them...would you get repossessed?”
Doctor Cornelius sighed, his lips pressed together in a hard line. “Not now I’m doing science.”
Ellie turned to look at him, her brows furrowed “Why is the alphabet in the order that it is in? It doesn’t need to be in any particular order, it doesn’t change the meaning of the letters…”
Doctor Cornelius rubbed the bridge of his nose and groaned “Shut up.’”
“Disneyland is a tourist trap right? That means it’s a people trap run by a mouse…” Ellie whispered.
“Stop!”
“If four out of five people SUFFER from diarrhea does it mean the fifth person enjoys it? There’s no way anyone has ever gone through their entire lives without getting diarrhea…”
“For the love of-”
“WHY DO THEY CALL IT A PAIR OF PANTS?” Ellie screamed “IT’S ONLY ONE PIECE OF CLOTHING!! ONE!!!”
Doctor Cornelius whirled toward the girl “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!” He pulled at his hair “I KIDNAPPED YOU BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE EASIER TO MANAGE THAN YOUR FATHER!” He pointed accusingly at her “BUT YOU ARE JUST AS INSUFFERABLE-”
Ellie rolled her eyes “Weenie.”
“I AM NOT A WEENIE!” Doctor Cornelius screamed, throwing his clipboard to the ground. The scientists on the ledge paused their work to look curiously at the interaction.
Ellie’s nose wrinkled and she motioned flippantly with one hand, still cuffed to the hospital bed. “So for your evil villain plot you kidnapped a little girl because you were scared of her dad? And even then you used a military force with helicopters to take her away from who you thought was just a normal human nanny? You’re TOTALLY a weenie.”
Doctor Cornelius fumed “STOP CALLING ME A WEENIE!”
Ellie huffed “Literally anyone could have done the same thing with like a van, a ten dollar bag of bulk candy and a rope, and instead you used three attack helicopters and a small militia of highly trained evil soldiers. That’s just poor management skills, who FUNDS this crap? Is there like...evil management to report you to? You weenie.”
Doctor Cornelius crossed his arms moodily “The plan was flawless! FLAWLESS I SAY!”
Ellie sighed and shook her head “You poor, poor, sad, deluded little weenie man…”
Doctor Cornelius glared at the little girl “NOT A WEENIE!”
“Weenie.”
“GAH!” Doctor Cornelius pulled at his hair and growled. He turned away from Ellie with a dramatic swoosh of his lab coat. He turned back to her, looking over his shoulder with a dark look in his eyes “Well my dear...would a weenie CREATE A GIANT MONSTER TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD?”
“Yeah.”
Doctor Cornelius rolled his eyes “Oh shut up.” He trudged back to Ellie’s bedside with a syringe. Ellie hissed as the doctor took a sample of her blood. He held the red vial up to the light, swishing it back and forth with a smile. He went to the ledge that looked out over the large green pool. Something in the green liquid groaned, deep and loud, something very, very large moved under the water.
“Not yet my pet…” Doctor Cornelius cooed, his face lit by the glowing green liquid of the tank, clutching the vial of blood with a smile “....Soon...together my pet we will show them all!” His brows furrowed and he laughed, deep and booming “WHEN I RULE THE WORLD WE WILL SEE JUST WHO IS THE SAD WEENIE MAN!”
“Spoiler alert!” Ellie yelled “It’s still going to be you!”
“SHUT UP!”
On one side of the expansive laboratory, on the lower level next to the green tank, a large metal door began to hiss, glowing hotter and hotter red, the center of the door glowed white hot. With a sharp hiss a blue laser beam cut through the metal. Scientists yelped and ducked, putting their clipboards over their heads as the laser cut through the lab, burning a hole into the wall on the other side of the room.
Iron man stood on the other side of the door, looking through the hole he melted there with his laser, his hand raised and the power still sizzling from his gauntlet. “Sup motherfuckers.” He greeted with a tilt of his head.
Deadpool popped through the opening. “I’m here to eat ass and smoke grass.” He brandished his swords, his brows furrowing under his mask “And I’m all out of grass…”
Iron man looked down at him “Don’t you mean kick ass?”
Deadpool looked up at him the eyes of his mask wide and earnest “That’s what I said!”
Iron man shook his head “That’s...that’s really not what you said...”
“I am SURE that’s what I said!”
A bolt of lightning crackled across Thor’s shoulders as he too stepped through the melted hole in the doorway. He pointed his hammer at the ledge above them, Doctor Cornelius, Ellie and a couple of other scientists looking over the area “YOU THERE!” He bellowed, a crack of lightning sparking between himself and the hammer “UNHAND HER!”
Ellie grinned and wiggled in the hospital bed “DADDY!!! And NANNY!”
Doctor Cornelius grinned “You’re TOO LATE!” He placed the vial into a nearby machine, the blood draining from the glass tube and being processed “IT’S ALREADY DONE!”
Something roared under the green glowing water. Bubbles rose to the surface, the water thrashing violently. Something rose from the water, a dark column of flesh before it slammed down onto the concrete before the heroes, digging down into the floor as something extremely large began to pull itself up from the water. Another tentacle shot out from the water, and another and another. The thing rose from the tank, a horrendous mass of tentacles and eyes, mouths that splayed across the main body, twisted and screaming in unison, teeth that were as tall as Thor.
Deadpool’s eyes widened “Weird tentacle shit?” He pointed accusingly at the doctor “YOU WERE THE ONE WHO PUT THE MONSTERS IN THE SUBWAY!”
Thor tore his eyes away from the monster to look at Deadpool “What?”
Deadpool smacked a fist into an open palm “From the very beginning of the fanfiction! The tentacle creatures we fought in the subway!”
Doctor Cornelius laughed “THAT’S RIGHT!” He clenched a fist “Seeing you fight my creatures that day I knew the only way they would defeat you was if they had your healing factor!” He smiled “And now thanks to your daughter IT DOES!”
Deadpool growled “LET MY DAUGHTER GO YOU FUCK!” His brows furrowed “Baby are you up there? How are you doing?”
“I’M OK!” Ellie yelled back “HE’S A HUGE WEENIE!”
“I AM NOT A WEENIE!” Doctor Cornelius stamped his foot petulantly. “CREATURE!” He yelled “ATTACK!”
Deadpool turned to Thor “He’s totally a weenie.”
Before Thor could respond though, a huge meaty tentacle slammed down onto the concrete between them, the barbed tentacle cracking through the stone, debris flying everywhere.
“WHAT THE FUCK-” Deadpool yelled “KINDA HENTAI ARE YOU WATCHING?”
“ENOUGH!” Doctor Cornelius screamed from the ledge “I AM SICK OF BOTH YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER!”
“Well how do you think I feel?” A vent above Doctor Cornelius announced. The vent opened and Spiderman swung out, doing a backflip and landing on the railing of the upper ledge. “I have to live with the both of them.”
“You’re just mad I used your thesis paper as a coloring book.” Ellie chirped “Also hi!”
“Hi Ellie.” Spiderman answered “And yes, I am still mad you used my thesis paper as a coloring book, but first things first-” Doctor Cornelius yelped as Spiderman webbed the scientist to the opposite wall.
“GUARDS!” Doctor Cornelius yelled “WHERE ARE THOSE GODDAMN GUARDS?”
Upstairs in the evil breakroom of evil, piles of guards snored, fast asleep after eating drugged chocolate chip cookies. The majority of them were covered by the flowery tablecloth that Lupita spread over them. One guard yawned and stretched, turning over to hug his coworker in his sleep like a giant teddy bear.
Lupita, Megan and Black widow exited the vent next.
“Nice boys.” Lupita answered “pero, son idiotas…”
Natasha put up her fists “Give up the girl, Abrams.”
“YEAH!” Megan wheezes through her braces, putting up her fists behind Natasha.
Cornelius scowled “No matter!” He ripped a hand up from the webbing to press a button on his watch “ROBOTS GET THEM!”
“And robots too?” Ellie yelled from the hospital bed “Minions AND robots! Who is PAYING for all of this? Oh my god!”
Several ports opened up on the ceiling, metal sliding across metal like the aperture of a camera. Metal bodies slid through these holes, falling down into the expansive area before rockets ignited on their feet, the robots coming online, their eyes glowing as they floated into the space.
“TARGETING ONLINE.” the robots stated in deep electronic voices, their heads swiveling unnaturally to look at the group on the ledge.
With the flourish of a hidden knife Doctor Cornelius cut himself down from the webbing. “SO LONG SUCKERS!” He yelled and with that the man began to jog down the flight of stairs, his pressed khaki pants squeaking as he went.
“WEENIE!” Ellie yelled as the man ran “WEEEENIIIIEEEE!!!!”
The Robots veered towards the group, their hands opening from fingertips to palm, a large circular saw coming from the opening and whirring to life. They swung their saw at the Spiderman, the superspy and two nannies.
Spiderman webbed one robot, using the tether he had on its arm to knock its saw into the next robot, decapitating its foe.
Megan screamed and shot her grappling hook, the piercing barbs hitting one robot in the face, knocking through one glass eye and into its metal head. The enraged teenager swung as hard as she could, the robot arching above her head before it was smashed to floor in a crumpled heap of sparking electronics.
Lupita charged at one of the robots, she took out her knitting needles and a half-finished scarf, she threw the needles like darts, both needles sticking through the eyes of the robot. Using the string still attached to the knitting needles she pulled herself onto the robot, bracing her tiny feet on its shoulders. The robot buzzed and whirred, swinging wildly, blind now with both eyes blinded by knitting needles. Lupita yelled and pulled on the yarn coming from either knitting needle, she used each tether like a rein to control the robot’s wild swingings, making it charge into its kin, slicing through robot after robot.
Thor grinned as he witnessed this exchange, dodging a tentacle that was aimed at him and hitting through another tentacle with his hammer. “WELL DONE MISS LUPITA!” He bellowed, blood from the severed tentacle spraying across his front “YOU HAVE TAPPED INTO YOUR WARRIOR SPIRIT!”
“AHHHHHHH!!!!!!” Lupita screamed in righteous rage, the tiny elderly hispanic woman was on top of the robot, gripping the pink yarn that led to the knitting needles in the robot’s eyes. Like Odin on his warhorse, the statuesque image of rage "ME CAGO EN TODO LO QUE SE MENEA!” She hollered, piloting the robot into another trio of robots.
Two robots were coming for Natasha on either side, pulling back their saw hands and lurching forward. Natasha jumped just as they attacked, slicing into each other instead of into her, she used them as a launching pad, backflipping over the pair of mutilated bots, taking one severed saw hand with her as she went. She sprinted towards Ellie’s hospital bed with the saw hand.
“Aunty!” Ellie chirped and strained against the cuffs.
Natasha smiled down at her “Hey kiddo, let's get you out of those cuffs.”
Natasha placed the links of the cuffs against one of the metal bars of the hospital bed. She then jammed the saw blade against both the link and the metal bar.
“Hold on kiddo.” Natasha rooted around in the torn wires from the robot. She put two wires together and the saw sputtered to life, snapping the chain and tearing through the soft padding of the bed, pieces of metal, foam and feathers flying up in every direction. Natasha repeated the process with the other cuff.
Ellie sat up and rubbed her wrists “Thanks Aunty! Where’s my dads?”
Natasha threw away the robot arm. “They’ll be fine. We need to get you somewhere safe.”
Down below them Thor, Iron Man, Deadpool and Scorpion were fighting the tentacle monster. Thor was crackling with electricity, he slammed his hammer into tentacle after tentacle, the meaty limbs being vaporized into a splatter of blood as they came towards him. One particularly powerful attack sent jolts of electricity shooting up through the monster’s muscles, making the creature shake and spasm, their tentacles moving more erratically, their mouths screaming and howling.
Deadpool had both machine guns blaring, firing round after round into the thick hide of the monster, laughing and tilting his head back, tentacles shot to swiss cheese, the monster writhing and screaming.
“Hey!” Deadpool remarked conversationally “Tentacles, robots, this is JUST like the porn I used to buy.”
Deadpool put his guns away and took out his swords, jumping onto a tentacle and running up its length, jumping with a joyous yell and bringing both swords down into one of the creature’s giant squid-like eyes. The creature screamed and flailed, catching Deadpool in the stomach and sending him careening through the space, landing with a harsh CRACK against the opposite wall.
Scorpion screamed, punching tentacle after tentacle with her gauntlets, the mechanical gauntlets sent shockwaves through the meat of the creature, the force seeming to puff up the flesh before the skin split open spraying blood across the general area.
Iron man shot both repulsor cannons, frying fish meat as tentacle after tentacle shot out at him, the barbed appendages attempting to harpoon him like a tin can on a string but he always dodged just in time or fried the sharp scaled appendages before they reached him.
“FUCK!” Iron man yelled as one tentacle wrapped around his ankle and pulled him into the air, he bent over backwards in order to grip the meaty thing, his armoured gauntlets whirring as his artificial strength squeezed through the cords and sinew, pulling apart the muscle along the long fibrous strands, breaking the bone and finally setting him free, dropping down closer to the water until he stabilized himself.
From this vantage point Iron man could see that every appendage they burned, cut or shocked through, the creature just grew more tentacles. Tentacles continued to rise up from the beast, in thick tangles of flesh. “IT JUST KEEPS GROWING MORE.”
“Crap.” Deadpool sliced through another tentacle “This is the thing he needed Ellie for! She inherited my bullshit!”
Thor spun his hammer, lifting through another thicket of tentacles, ripping them apart into meaty strands of sinew. “What would you suggest?”
Iron man scanned the creature, dodging a couple of tentacles that lurched at him “We might have to-”
Iron man was unfortunately cut off by a tentacle that shot out from the creature, the harpoon-like barb catching into his suit, slamming him into the ground by the tank. Error messages flashed in the screen inside of his helmet, metal squeaked and groaned as his suit was slowly being crushed by the giant tentacle surrounding him. “Warning.” Jervis announced, slightly blaise considering the situation “Suit integrity falling, 70%, 60%, 50%”
Another tentacle wrapped around Thor, shaking the thunder god and slamming him into the stone over and over again like a baby with a new rattle. Thor’s vision was swimming, his eyes were crossed, his hammer slipped from his fingers.
Scorpion screamed as a tentacle wrapped around her leg. She clawed at the giant appendage, the barbs ripping through her tactical armor and piecing the meat of her leg. She was pulled screaming into the water. With the last of her strength she threw the baby doll she carried, the baby doll landing with a squeak on the stone around the tank.
Deadpool rushed towards the creature, swords drawn, he pulled back and-
The end of one barbed tentacle shit through the midsection, impaling him completely. He looked down at the wiggling appendage sticking out from his rib cage. “Well fuck.”
Ellie screamed from her vantage point on the ledge, her knuckles white as they gripped the railing. “DADDY!”
Deadpool looked up at her, blood pouring from the hole in his chest “Baby girl don’t look!”
The tentacle spasmed, the tentacle ripping through Deadpool like tearing a piece of paper from a notebook, ripping from his heart and exiting through his shoulder. Deadpool crumpling to the ground in a pile of bloody limbs.
Ellie screamed, the pink nail polish on her nails chipping as she gripped the railing. Tears ran down her chubby cheeks. Somewhere deep inside her she knew that he would be ok, she knew that he would get up again, but knowing about something and seeing her father ripped to shreds before her very eyes were two very different things.
Right now she only knew two things:
- Something hurt her daddy
- They were going to PAY FOR THAT
Lupita and the robot she rode were trailing pink yarn everywhere. Ellie grabbed a strand of bright pink yarn and ran for the railing. Natasha tried to stop her, her fingers just brushing the collar of Ellie’s shirt, but she just missed her. Ellie jumped off the railing, pink yarn in hand. Natasha scrabbled for the other end of the yarn, gripping onto the string as Ellie rappelled down into the lab below.
She landed on the rock around the tank. Tentacles shot towards her, but using her skills she learned in ballet she gracefully jumped over them. Her brows were furrowed in determination, her pigtails flying in righteous indignation. She ran across the bedrock, Thor’s hammer lying under where the God of Thunder was suspended above, she reached for the weapon and-
A spark of lightning!
A flash of light so bright that those on the ledge had to shield their eyes for a moment.
Ellie yelled, lightning traveling up her arms, across her shoulders, but not hurting her. Sparks flashed in her pigtails, her eyes glowed a bright unnatural blue. She grit her teeth as the power of thunder, of lightning, of nature itself coalesced, channeling through one very small, one very angry little girl.
She lifted the hammer.
Glorious in her rage, sparks flying from her eyes, Ellie yelled in righteous anger, slamming the hammer down into the rock in which she stood, cracking apart the stone. The cracks traveled across the floor, up the walls and to the ceiling, rock beginning to rain down from above.
The monster roared and flailed their many tentacles, one very large piece of rock fell from the ceiling and crashed into the creature, the weight of it pushing it into the pool. Their tentacles unfurled, dropping Thor and Iron man.
Black widow dodged a large piece of debris. “IT’S GOING TO CAVE IN!” She yelled.
Thor shook his head, dispelling the double vision. He ran towards the sparking and glowing Ellie,picking her up, hammer and all under one arm. Spiderman held onto Lupita and swung down to the lower level of the lab, Megan used her grappling hook and Natasha did an extremely graceful backflip.
Spiderman ran to Deadpool, he kneeled next to Deadpool, holding up his upper body, the split between his ribcage and his shoulder healing ever so slowly.
“Hey baby boy…” Deadpool croaked, blood spurting out from between his lips “Did you see our daughter? That was so fucking cool…”
Spiderman leaned back to look at where Thor had Ellie under an arm. “Is she ok?”
Thor looked down at the sparking Ellie and back to Spiderman.
Iron man hovered down closer to the group, his armor sparking and the repulsors flashing in and out. “JUST GET HER OUT OF HER THIS PLACE IS FALLING APART!”
Spiderman webbed Deadpool’s upper torso together. He helped Wade stand upright,Wade’s upper torso flopping around like a ragdoll as a great deal of his innards had been scooped out. His head flopped back in a broken unnatural way “COME ON!” He yelled at the people behind him, his wound still bleeding under the webbing “LET’S GET A MOVE ON PEOPLE!!”
Thor led the group, Ellie still sparking and holding the hammer under one of his arms. Then Spiderman and Deadpool followed after Thor and Ellie, Spiderman guided Deadpool as he ran, Deadpool’s head still swinging brokenly behind his own back. Megan and Black Widow were after them. Iron man flew after them, his repulsors still sparking and shorting out, the beams wavering, he held Lupita in his arms, the old woman looking back at the tumbling architecture as the lower part of complex imploded upon itself.
The group screamed, the building collapsing in on them and-
The minion in the men’s bathroom stall hummed, flipping through a magazine as he did his business. “Hmmm…” He stared at an ad down on the page “There’s a sale at the evil minion uniform emporium….half off black turtlenecks and sunglasses to wear indoors…” He hummed contemplatively “Well whaddaya know…” The minion slapped the page in front of him and chuckled “Well doesn’t that look snazzy! I might have to spice up my evil wardrobe…”
There was an ominous gurgle from behind him. He leaned back to look at the toilet he was perched on “What?” His brows furrowed “Did I clog it or-”
Suddenly the tile of the men’s bathroom rippled, concrete cracking underneath. The minion and his toilet were sent careening downwards, he screamed, gripping the rim of the toilet for dear life and-
He landed several feet below, the stall clanking down around him, the door swinging open.
Someone coughed, shoulders emerged from the debris of pipes and tiles and concrete chunks. Black widow coughed and wiggled out from under a large piece of concrete, helping to dig out Megan and giving her a hand up. Iron man rose up as well, Lupita unharmed in his arms. He set the old woman down gently.
Deadpool was next, wrenching his head back into place with a SNAP. “Ellie!” He called out “Is Ellie ok?”
Spiderman coughed next to him, throwing off what looked to be the fluorescent light from the bathroom
Thor arose from the rubble as well, Ellie still in his arms.
Deadpool and Spiderman went to Ellie’s side. Deadpool wiped Ellie’s dusty cheek with a gloved hand “Baby girl?” He whispered “Are you alright?”
Ellie murmured, her dark lashed fluttering against her cheeks “Dad?” She whispered and coughed.
“Oh baby girl!” Deadpool was sobbing now, picking up Ellie from Thor’s arms, he hugged her, rocking them both back and forth, kissing her temple and sobbing some more. “I’m sorry baby girl!”
“Are you ok Ellie?” Spiderman asked her, scrutinizing her for any cuts or scrapes “Did he hurt you?” He went to his utility belt “I have a med kit in here I-”
Ellie shook her head “No I-”
She paused.
Ellie looked down to her hands, Thor’s hammer glinting back up at her.
Ellie’s eyes filled with tears “I-I- “ She stammered “I really picked it up?”
Thor smiled at her. He put one large hand on her shoulder “Aye!” proud tears glimmered in Thor’s eyes “You are worthy!”
Spiderman put a gloved hand to his face “Ellie you give that back to Thor or I swear-”
Ellie rose the hammer above her head “YES!!” She screamed “I’M GOING TO SMASH COLIN JAMESON, THE BRAT FROM MY CLASS, IN THE GODDAMN FACE!”
Ellie yelped as once again the hammer became too heavy, the hammer falling once again to the floor. “AWWW!” Ellie yelled “COME ON!”
Deadpool chuckled and kissed her temple “It’s ok Ellie-belly. I still think you’re cool.”
They took a moment to laugh together.
“Awww….” The minion from inside the toilet stall wiped a tear from his eye.
Deadpool looked up “What the fuck...Bob? Is that you?”
The minion waved awkwardly, pulling down his shirt to cover himself “Hi Mr. Wilson! Sorry to ah...drop in on a touching family moment…” He motioned awkwardly to the door “Would you mind-”
Deadpool rolled his eyes and Ellie snickered. He let Ellie go and went over to the stall, closing the door for Bob.
“Thank you!” Bob chirped.
“Yeah yeah.” Deadpool picked up astray roll of toilet paper and tossed it into the cell as well. “I hope you know you’re under arrest or whatever.”
In the end the sleeping minions were piled into a S.H.I.E.L.D transport vehicle, all still snoozing quietly under the floral tablecloth Lupita had spread over them. The commander was also detained, his arm still stuck in a vending machine, seething quietly. The building was already mostly demolished, hopefully trapping whatever that THING was deep inside the bedrock.
They searched for Scorpion, hoping beyond hope that maybe she had escaped the tank and the collapsing building. Thor pulled Scorpion’s baby doll “Jonina” from the wreckage.
Thor held the scratched and dirty doll, cleaning off a bit of dust from their plastic head. Lupita and Megan leaned over his arms to look at the doll as well, all three of them near tears. “She was a good teacher.” Thor nodded, looking down at the doll sadly.
Megan patted one of Thor’s biceps and gave the god a watery smile. “She was proud of you.” Megan wheezed.
Thor sniffed and patted Megan’s hand.
Black Widow looked over the scientists being loaded into S.H.I.E.L.D helicopters and trucks. “We didn’t get Doctor Abrams.”
“Whatever.” Ellie rolled her eyes and leaned against her dad, Deadpool reluctant to let his daughter out of his arms for any amount of time “He was a total weenie.”
“Still.” Spiderman looked out over the jungle, his arms crossed “I would feel better if he was in custody.”
The group piled back into the hot pink helicopter and headed home. Bruised, scratched, but alive and together and grateful. Megan was back home in time for her chemistry test in the morning. Lupita went back to her little apartment, she rinsed her tactical gear out in the sink before putting them in the wash. She then filled out another order for the prescription of sleeping medicine she wasted on the guards.
S.H.I.E.L.D agents disguised as workers patched up the Parker/Wilson apartment. Ellie laughed and ran through where the workers were nailing new boards into place, a cardboard version of Thor’s hammer Wade had made for her held aloft.
Thor went back to the diner, a large stack of bills in hand. Carol the waitress nearly fainted when he presented the money to her with a slight bow. Enough cash to pay off his tab and the window he had broken.
Thor’s debt was finally paid, but he decided to keep babysitting. It helped him stay connected to the people he protected, helped to remind him of just why he was a hero.
Thor rang the doorbell of his next client’s house, his duffel bag slung over one shoulder. There was a tiny patter of feet from inside the house and a tiny voice yelled out “I’ll get the door! I’ll get the door!”
The door opened and a tiny face peeked through. A little girl peered out at Thor, curly red hair under a floppy bunny eared hat. The girl smiled widely at Thor “It’s YOU!”
Thor laughed and leaned down to greet her “Ah! Miss Olivia! The warrior from the park! How do thou fare?”
Olivia giggled “I’m good!” She bit her lip and leaned forward, her eyes wide “Wanna have a teaparty?”
Thor grinned and nodded “Aye! Let us have a merry tea party!”
And with that the little girl took Thor by the hand and led him inside.
“Now.” Thor asked as the little girl led him excitedly down the hall “What is a tea party?”
Doctor Cornelius growled as he trudged through the jungle, his khaki pants muddied and torn “Stupid brat!” He cursed to himself. He shook off a vine that had tangled around his foot “Myplan was perfect! PERFECT” He trudged further, swatting away some flies “Also I am NOT a weenie!” He pulled a vine out of the way “I’ll build a new monster!” He slapped a fist into an open palm “Something better! Bigger! I will just need another blood sample from that little-”
Doctor Cornelius paused, his eyes wide.
Against his neck a thick rope made from jungle vines was pulled taught.
A woman stood behind him.
Scorpion leaned closer, her bloodied lips just brushing the shell of his ear. “You. don’t. Go. after. Kids.” She murmured. She grit her teeth and pulled-
There was a yell.
A crunch of bones.
A body crumpling to the ground.
Jungle birds flew up from their perches and into the sky above, dark blots against the sky.
Scorpion stood above the body, a please look on her face. “Well Jonina-” She turned to the thing strapped to her back, a coconut speared into a pineapple, a lopsided face carved into the coconut. Scorpion hummed and ran a finger across the coconut baby’s cheek “What shall we do today?”