Chapter Text
Wade Winston Wilson is a man who has endured many things. He’s endured never ending cancer, disembowelment, acid, dismemberment, decapitation, voices in his head, more acid, being exploded from the inside, etc, etc.
But if there is one thing he absolutely CANNOT deal with.
It's a sad Ellie.
When Ellie read the Harry Potter books she sobbed at Dumbledore’s death. Deadpool MAY or MAY NOT have climbed through JK Rowling’s window to force her at katana-point to write an alternate version where Dumbledore survives.
When one direction broke up and Wade found his daughter sobbing into her Zayn body pillow, he may or may not have abducted them, tied them to chairs in an empty warehouse and forced them to make a comeback.
This time when Wade heard muffled sobbing coming from his daughter’s room, he shot up from where he had been laying on the couch to see who or what he had to FUCK UP that made his baby girl cry.
Ellie laid back on her bed, tears streaming down her face and Wade did his absolute best not to lose his shit.
“Shhh baby girl what's wrong?” Wade sat down next to his daughter and smoothed down her hair.
Ellie sniffed and cuddled closer to her father “....Why….why don’t they understand?....”
Wade threaded his fingers through his daughters hair and quietly swore to murder whatever schoolyard-bully or-
Ellie pulled out an Iron-man and a Captain America figurine. Tears striped down her chubby cheeks as she pressed their little plastic faces together in a kiss “THEY WOULD BE SO PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER WHY CAN’T THEY JUST BE IN LOVE AND BE GAAAAAAAAY?????”
“....I don’t know baby girl…” Wade shrugged. “That’s just the way some people are...They can’t help it if they’re straight…”
Ellie sobbed and continued to press the figurines together “IT'S JUST THAT- THEY SHOULD KISS! IT WOULD BE SO KAWAII! IS IT PEPPER’S FAULT?? WHY CAN’T THEY JUST KISS? OR HOLD HANDS OR-”
Wade stroked Ellie’s hair and she cried softly until she fell asleep, still clutching the little figurines.
Wade softly closed the door to Ellie’s room as not to wake her. His baby girl was sad and that meant he had a new target for elimination.
Iron Man and Captain America’s straightness.
It was a perfectly normal morning for one Steve Rogers, or at least as normal as it could get when you’re a super soldier who was frozen in a block of ice only to be uncovered in the future to fight aliens, cyborgs and mutants.
What the H-E-double hockey sticks even is “normal” anymore?...
He’s on one of the balconies of the Stark tower, looking over the city and sipping something he picked up at one of the millions of coffee shops that now seem to be littered everywhere.
He wasn’t really sure what to get so he just asked the girl behind the counter (he tried his best not to stare at her purple hair and nose rings) to make him whatever she thought was the best off their menu.
Its pretty good. He’s not really sure that its coffee, more like liquified pumpkin pie, but the important thing is that it's warm.
Stark comes in from a patrol around the city, his boosters glowing as he slows his landing onto the balcony. Robot arms come out of the floor and obediently start stripping his armor from him.
“See anything out there?” Steve queries, even though he knows the answer is no. If there was anything they would be out fighting it.
“It's literally the MOST boring this city has ever been Captain crunch. It's like every Villain has something better to do, washing their spandex, visiting their in-laws, catching up on their favorite soap operas. Whatever they’re doing, at least they’re not bothering us.”
Steve nods and takes another sip of his coffee-dessert-thing.
Tony sniffs the air. “...Is that….Is that...pumpkin?...”
Steve shrugs and takes another sip “I couldn’t really figure out their menu so...I asked the girl what her favorite was…”
Tony yanks the drink out of Steve’s hand before he can take another sip “Hold on there Capsicle, “Pumpkin Spice” is a flavor reserved only for the most basic of white women.”
He flings the coffee off the side of the building and Steve watches with horror as the pumpkin drink falls and hits an unfortunate passerby.
Steve winces as the tiny figure gets splattered with the drink “Sorry….” he whispers.
Tony doesn’t even care though, not even glancing down at the disaster he’s caused below. “We’ll set you up with some good MANLY coffee, You either drink it black or you put alcohol in it. That's how MEN drink coffee.”
“LIES!!!” Deadpool jumped down from a balcony above them “I happen to know from a very reliable source (Pepper) that YOU! TONY STARK drink chocolate peppermint lattes! You most basic of white bitches!”
Tony put his hands to his hips indignantly but quickly switched to a more manly pose, he crossed his arms and glared at Deadpool “I absolutely DO NOT!”
Deadpool chuckled a bit “WITH WHIPPED CREAM AND SPRINKLEEEESSS!!”
Tony scoffed and leaned back against the railing “Yeah sure whatever…”
Wade strolled up to Steve and Tony. He wedged himself in between the two men and wrapped his arms around them.
“Thats right! I came here to talk to you guys about something.”
Tony rolled his eyes “...JOY….”
Steve shrugged “Ok. Shoot…”
Deadpool gazed out over the city skyline. “It would really help me out….”
Steve nodded “...yeah….”
Deadpool nodded at the both of them “If you two could be gay.”
Tony grimaced “....what….”
“Gay. I need the both of you to be gay.”
Steve chuckled a little bit. “....Uh….People don’t really work like...that…”
Tony unhooked Wade’s arm from around his shoulder. “NOPE. NO. NOT HAPPENING. I LOVE BOOBS.” he yelled as he jogged back into the building leaving Steve and Wade.
Steve shrugged. “It's not like erm...I have issues with anyones whos...you know...A friend of Dorothy…”
Wade squinted at him “...Friend of Dorothy?”
Steve nodded “I guess nowadays it’s alright to just say it out loud...back then accidentally outing someone could mean getting them arrested or outing a soldier could mean dishonorable discharge...So if you wanted to say it without really saying it you could say they were a “Friend of Dorothy”, like in The Wizard of Oz? Dorothy’s friends were pretty strange in that movie...Some might even call them ‘Queer’.”
“Ah ha!” Wade pointed at Steve and winked “I getcha! I always had suspicions about those guys! I always thought that when Dorothy was turned away the Tinman would pound the Scarecrow in his tight burlap ass. Hay everywhere! Oil as lube! Maybe even-”
Steve hushed him before he could go further, a pained look on his face “....please...stop..I don’t think I can ever watch that movie again…”
Wade shrugged “Have you really TRIED though? Are you sure you can’t be gay?”
Steve rolled his eyes “Why is this so important?”
Wade looked him dead in the eyes “I have to do this because of reasons. IMPORTANT REASONS.”
Steve shrugged and looked out over the city. “Well if there are spiders that can turn people into mutants and serums that can turn people into super soldiers, I see no reason why there can’t be something someday that turns people gay…”
Wade nodded “....Right….Of course….SCIENCE…..”
Wade climbed onto the railing of the balcony, teetering on the edge he hunched over and faced Steve.
“Thanks Captain. I’ll get someone to SCIENCE the fuck out of this problem!”
Steve raised an eyebrow. “Well...Good luck with that…”
Deadpool backflipped off the balcony. “THAAAAANK YOUUUUU!!!”
Steve shrugged. He’ll be alright.
Doctor Bruce Banner was quietly working on a project in one of the Stark tower labs. He was enjoying a nice, quiet, Deadpool-free morning. Having Deadpool on the team was….interesting to say the least. He was still loud and obnoxious, but with Peter’s help Wade had calmed down enough that he was actually proving to be a valuable and helpful member of the team.
That didn’t mean he wasn’t an infuriating asshole though.
Which is why he still avoids him for the most part. Its for everyone's safety really…
He was going through some data when something roused him from the long stream of numbers.
It sounded like….Screaming?
Yeah….It is screaming...And it's getting louder and-
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”
Deadpool slammed into the balcony right outside Banner’s widow. It sounded like squishing egg shells under a hard boot as the mercenary met the hard concrete.
Oh shit.
And he was having such a nice morning…
Wade started to peel himself from the floor of the balcony, his bones sliding, grinding and crunching as he healed. Wade’s jawbone was severely askew and he gripped the offending flesh and bone and yanked it back into place with a wet grinding crunch.
“HEEEEEY!!!” The ex-mercenary tapped on Banner’s widow. “JUST THE GUY I WANTED TO SEE!!”
Bruce sighed. Its best to get interactions with deadpool over with as soon as possible. Like ripping off a bandaid, he threw open the window.
“What do you want Deadpool? I’m working.”
Wade nodded and hopped into the lab before he sat casually on the desk.
“I need some science done.”
Bruce sighed “for the last time, You can’t make Chimichanga monsters.”
Wade shook his head “No DIFFERENT science! And it's really important!”
“....What KIND of science?....”
“Ok just hear me out!”
“...yeah?....”
“I need a death-ray, but not the kind of ray that kills people! The kind that makes them gay! So it wouldn’t really be a death-ray, it would be a gay-ray, but you know what I mean!”
Bruce rubbed his eyes “Get out of my lab.”
“You don’t understand! Its really important!”
Bruce scoffed “WHY? WHY WOULD YOU EVEN NEED A GAY-RAY! AREN’T YOU AND PETER ALREADY TOGETHER?? DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND THE ETHICAL IMPLICATIONS OF JUST BEING ABLE TO-”
Wade jumped onto the desk to face Banner. Wade took Bruce’s face in his hands and started to sob. “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND SHE WAS CRYING! I NEED TO FIX IT!!”
Bruce took Wade’s hands and shoved them off his face “WHO WAS CRYING??”
“ELLIE!!!”
That stopped Doctor Banner in his tracks. One day after a long battle, the team had come back to the tower to find Wade’s daughter, Ellie coloring. She had made them all drawings and-
There's a little crayon-drawing in one of his office drawers. Sometimes he takes it out when he had a particularly bad day controlling the beast.
He isn’t the type of guy that gets drawings from kids. He’s the type of guy that people fear and military officials whisper about.
But she laughed and drew him a silly little drawing of him in a kilt and…
It felt nice…
It felt human…
Ok he’ll admit that sad Ellie is a problem...But the ethical implications of such a machine, not only the cultural implications but-
“You SWEAR that this will fix...Whatever is wrong with Ellie.”
“I SWEAR. I DON’T LIE WHEN IT COMES TO MY KID.”
That is true...Deadpool may be an annoying asshole but he is a….surprisingly good father…
Banner bit his lip and looked away “just…..just give me a few hours…”
“Thank you doctor! You’re my only hope!” Deadpool sang as Bruce gingerly prodded him out of the lab. He closed the door behind him and ran a hand through his hair. Shit what the hell did he just agree to do?? He can’t actually- He can’t give a gun with that kind of power to-
He stumbles over to his desk breathing heavily, accidentally knocking off a couple of old coffee mugs and a half full pringles tube.
He had an idea.