Chapter Text
Of Angels And Cherry Lips — ONE
STAY
' Haven't I Played This
Part For Far Too Long '
━
Hey, the warmth has scattered.
"Can't I be selfish?" Junmyeon wonders aloud. His fingertips dancing across the photographs frame. His fingernail tracing each member's distinct features. It's melancholic. It's one of the few photographs that showcases the entirety of EXO before their debut.
They're younger then.
There's a certain glow that surrounds each and every one of them. It's a glow Junmyeon is sure they've lost over the years. He's not able to pinpoint the exact moment in time it disappeared. Perhaps, when their grand exodus occurred. Maybe, it was before that. It's hard to tell now.
It's all blur now.
The waves pushed me above this farewell.
"Is this what you want?" Minseok whispers. His voice on the verge of collapse. Junmyeon nods. He's tired. So utterly tired.
"I've lost it." Is his vague excuse.
Countless stares and mutters.
"You're aware of what'll happen?" Jongin mentions. His posture rigid. His face blank of any emotion. His gaze leveling with Junmyeon's own.
"I'm aware. I'm planning to take full responsibility of the situation." Junmyeon replies curtly. Jongin's lips thin.
"It seems you've though this through." Baekhyun interrupts. His attention turning to focus solely on Junmyeon. It's the first thing he's said since his departure was announced.
Junmyeon's skin crawls. It was to be expected. He'd never been on the receiving end of Baekhyun's anger. It's something he'd hoped he'd never have to attain.
"How long?" Baekhyun seethes out. Lips curled up into a full blown snarl. Junmyeon's lips part in confusion.
"How long have you planned this?! This isn't something that's rushed into." Baekhyun snaps.
Junmyeon's lips close. What's he to say? When did he reach such devastating position. At what point had he had enough? He doesn't know how to answer Baekhyun. At least, not with an answer that would satisfy the vocalist.
I'm placing the broken us.
"I don't know."
And throwing it far into the ocean.
"You don't know?!" Baekhyun grits out. Junmyeon nods in confirmation. That's all he's able to explain. It's all he's able to offer in forms of consolation.
"I'm not sure what you expected Baekhyun. Nor, what answer it is you're looking for." Junmyeon replies monotone. He doesn't care anymore. Isn't afraid to spew the venom he's held onto for so long. He's still so tired.
"You think we'll let you leave on that flimsy excuse?!" Baekhyun barks. Eyes deranged. Anger radiating in waves.
Junmyeon's eyes cast down. He's unable to stare Baekhyun in the face. He's not lying. He's truly oblivious to the time he'd given up. He doesn't know when. Or why. He knows this'll scar the rest of them. They'd suffered enough. Their grand exodus having torn them to shreds.
It's still a touchy subject. One which they'd argued about countless times before. It was a time of sorrow. When he'd been ready to give up. To also leave. But, how could he? How could he leave them? When the wounds were still oh so fresh. And so, he ignored his desire to run and decide to stay.
But now? Now he was just so utterly exhausted. He doesn't know when his body started to complain. When it started to betray him. Before, he'd been able to persevere through his exhaustion. To continue forward. Now, he's barely able to lift himself from his bed. Much less leave the bedroom on his own.
"Baekhyun, calm down!" Chanyeol snaps. His tones laced with desperation.
"Don't fucking tell me to calm down! Did you hear him?! He's planning on leaving us!" Baekhyun snarls out. Eyes narrowed. Face flushed in anger.
Junmyeon is tempted to cry. Knowing, Baekhyun's tirade would end at the the sight of his tears.
Hey, your empty spots.
"Calm down!" Minseok orders. Voice full of authority. Much different from before. He slams his palms on the table and stands. Catching everyone's undivided attention. He then turns to Junmyeon "Please, explain yourself." He pleads. Voice cracking.
Make time stop.
"What do you want me to say?" Junmyeon replies softly. Eyes droopy and figure hunched over. His hair is slightly ruffled. Dark eye bags. Bruises littering the expanse of his ivory skin. There's a tangible tension in the air.
Baekhyun's anger still coming in massive waves. Junmyeon can't blame him. He'd surely hurt the boy's feelings. Only, he wasn't a boy anymore was he? No, Baekhyun was a self-assured twenty-five year old adult. A man.
Junmyeon's gaze levels with Baekhyun's own. Both unwilling to look away. Baekhyun's eyes tell a tale of heartbreak and betrayal. A tale which Junmyeon knows only too well.
Why are you looking away?
Junmyeon finally lowers his gaze. Unable to bear the scorching glare directed towards him.
"I want to understand Suho. We want to understand." Minseok replies desperately.
'Don't call me that!' Junmyeon wants to beg.
"Please!" Jongdae begs. His voice borderline maniacal.
That hurts me even more.
"Suho!" Baekhyun begs. Voice so utterly raw. Laced with bitterness and heartbreak. And Junmyeon? He wanted to cry. To sob. To whine.
'That's not my name!' Junmyeon thinks.
Can't believe, can't believe.
"We thought you were happy." Kyungsoo whispers. His figure curled into himself.
"I haven't been happy in a long time." Junmyeon confesses. His face covered by his sleeves.
Yi Xing's figure is stiff "How long?" He asks. His voice firm. Junmyeon turns towards him. He's seated at the end of the conference table. Eyes narrowed.
"How long have you been unhappy." Yi Xing asks again. His gaze then settles on Junmyeon's own. Arms crossed over his chest. The olive turtleneck giving him a softer appearance. Certainly not matching with his expression.
Junmyeon sighs "I don't know." He repeats again.
"Don't feed us that bullshit Suho. Don't lie to us. We aren't the board of directors. The managers. The fans. We're family, aren't we?" By the end of Yi Xing's speech there's uncertainty. And Junmyeon wants nothing more than to pull him into a comforting hug. Only, he can't do that, not now at least. Perhaps, not ever.
'I'm not him. I'm not Suho.' Junmyeon wants to say.
Your words, saying that love has stopped.
"Once..." Junmyeon trails off. Dealing the final blow. Everyone freezes. Eyes wide and shaky. Baekhyun's lips part in bewilderment. Sehun's lips curl upward into a snarl "What do you mean?" Sehun questions through gritted teeth. Trying to control his temper.
"Sehun, don't ask questions you don't want the answer to." Junmyeon replies seriously.
Our memories have all crumbled down.
"You don't have that right! You've no right to care for me! You're not him! Not the Suho I've long looked up to and adored!" Sehun spits viciously.
Junmyeon's lips thin.
One.
Two.
Three.
I'm walking through your debris once again.
Junmyeon simply chuckles bitterly in response. The chuckles muffled by his beige turtleneck. He raises his gaze.
He stands from the chair. Palms facedown on the conference table.
"You're right Sehun. I haven't been Suho in a long time. I'm not him. I'm just plain ol' Junmyeon." He mutters hollowly.
His chest throbs with such an intensity. He's trying hard to stay upright.
Can't believe, can't believe.
"For such a long time I've tried to be what everyone's wanted me to be. Even at the cost of my own misfortune. I've let myself become some sort of martyr. It's quite amusing." Junmyeon chuckles.
"I've quite literally become so attached to this public persona that is Suho. I can't quite seem to function correctly without him. But, at some point the façade will disappear. And only Junmyeon will be left. And Junmyeon? He's tired. So utterly exhausted." Junmyeon continues.
"And... And, haven't I played this part for far too long?" Junmyeon whispers. His chest constricting.
You've stopped like this.
"I'm tired. I'm done. I don't want to do this anymore. Please, don't make me!" Junmyeon whimpers.
"Haven't I done enough?!" Junmyeon continues to no one in particular.
"Haven't I sacrificed my youth?! And yet, they're so greedy. So unbelievably greedy and willing to destroy everything I've worked for. To focus on my flaws rather than talent. The entertainment business isn't for me. Hasn't been a world I've ever, or will ever be fully immersed and devoted to. I've lost all the passion I once had. All the drive..." He trails off.
Junmyeon sighs. He's already said too much. He's aware there's no going back now. Not since he'd finalized his contract.
Not since his departure had been announced. Not since he'd walked through the company hallways. After his dismissal from their CEO's office.
Whispers would bounce back and forth. Rumors would quickly spread. That much he knows. Their fans would demand an explanation. And, he'd provide them with a simple one. One, that's wouldn't incriminate SM Entertainment. Nor his fellow band members.
There was no place for mistakes now. Not until he was fully out of the spotlight.
I thought we would last forever, but where are we?
Junmyeon's gaze lowers towards the frame.
Shakily, his fingers curl around the edge. He slowly brings it up to him. He quietly studies himself. Wondering, what'd happened to him.
Without another word, he chucks the photograph toward the middle of the table. Starting the rest. He then shakily walks towards the door that leads towards the hallway. His fingers grip the handle.
"Junmyeon..." Baekhyun calls out uncertainly.
Junmyeon halts. He then looks over his shoulder. A small smile gracing his eloquent feature.
"I haven't heard that name in awhile. It's quite... refreshing." He confesses. He stays still for a couple of seconds. Then... a simple sigh is exhaled. One that'll forever haunt each and every one of them. With that Junmyeon leaves.
For him? There's nothing worth staying for.
In the end, I couldn't ask you to stay.
Hey, we've gone awry.
The months following Junmyeon's departure prove to be quite difficult. The media is in arms. Desperately searching for an explanation. An in depth analysis of what had happen. Rumors quickly spreading. It's another hit. For the members and the company.
The interview questions too personal.
The comment section to scalding.
Their sales quickly drop.
It's spiraling out of control. And they're unable to stop the tirade of desperation that comes barreling out of nowhere. They quickly become defensive. Quite irritable. Their temper skyrocketing.
The company has no choice but to place them on hold. At least, until everything's settled down.
And so, they quickly disappear. Eager to run from what's been torment.
They all head for their respective homes.
Their company estimates a three month hiatus will suffice. By then, the media exposure will surely have died down.
And so, they've no choice but to wait it out.
Your name shines above black slumber.
"Junmyeon? It's Lu Han. We need to talk."
The deeper I fall into it.
"I'm quite surprised you agreed to meet me here. Given our history." Lu Han remarks rather bluntly. Junmyeon simply offers the older of the two a shrug.
"I've nothing to loose Ge." He replies easily. Lu Han grins "You haven't changed much, have you?" He teases. Junmyeon grins "How are you Lu Han. You seem rather well." Lu Han nods "Yes, I've been fairing quite nicely. I'm not quite certain I can say the same about you." He replies. Junmyeon sighs. He'd been expecting the reprimand.
"I'm fine Ge. I've just chosen to let go." Junmyeon explains. He doesn't want to go in further depth.
"Junmyeon, there's much on your mind. Ge can tell." Lu Han murmurs worriedly.
Junmyeon sigh in utter annoyance. He's tired of the unending reprimand. Everyone's made it clear. He knows. He's failed. It's fine with him. He understands the consequences of his actions. He just wishes people would simply respect his decision.
"Ge, it's nothing. Nothing I can't handle. Nothing I haven't dealt with before. I've handled the media countless times. Once, as a part of EXO's subunit EXO-K's Leader. Another as simply EXO's Leader. Now, former. It's all the same. It'll die down in due time. You'd know." Junmyeon rebukes.
Lu Han flinches.
"That's not fair Junmyeon." Lu Han whispers.
"Nothing is fair Lu Han. Hasn't been in awhile."
You get farther away like a vision.
Chanyeol's lips part. A sigh is exhaled. He's quiet. Unusually so. Jongdae takes notice. A worrisome look plastered gracefully on his features. Even in times of despair EXO remained pristine. This was by design. It's all they're able to do. All they know how to do.
"I think..." Chanyeol's voice trails off. He blinks once. Twice. Thrice. Then, he sighs once more. Jongdae simply frowns. He knows.
He knows.
Hey, above my traces.
"Yi Xing, you mustn't frown." The Director utters in annoyance. Yi Xing's lips part in confusion "I was frowning?" He questions his members. They simply nod. To inverse in their own cuts to pay any close attention to Yi Xing's cut.
Yi Xing didn't notice.
EXO didn't notice.
Junmyeon would have. Would have placed the pad of his thumb in between the creases of his lips and smoothed it out. Then he'd smile. His eyes quickly taking a crescent shaped form they all fondly adored.
Junmyeon would had.
Past tense.
Junmyeon wasn't here anymore.
You wash over again, erasing everything.
Jongin doesn't falter. Doesn't regress. He simply perseveres where the other simply can't. It's a defense mechanism of sorts. He locks himself in the practice room. Quickly, he adjusts himself to the new choreography. It's for eight members. Not nine.
His mind wanders to times before. When EXO hadn't been tainted by idol life. When they'd remain far away from spotlight.
Greedily, he wishes for those times again.
For what was fame and success for? If not to share with your loved ones.
Tell me this is a bad dream.
"He's not coming back." Zi Tao murmurs. His voice filtering through Sehun's mobile device.
Sehun frowns.
"What would you know of it? Junmyeon cut off all ties with the former members. Including you."
"Junmyeon now classifies as a former member. Therefore, he attends are annual meetings. In which we discuss our many unfavorable experiences as former EXO members." Zi Tao drawls out. Still, ever the sass.
Sehun scoffs.
Lips thinning.
"Be serious!" He snaps.
"Lu Han, he's met with Lu Han recently. Expressed his desire to be left alone." Zi Tao emphasizes.
There's a beat of silence.
"Sehun, he's merely remnants of who he used to be. If you truly care about him you'll heed his wishes and leave him alone." Zi Tao pleads. In the only way he's able to. The desperation is understandable.
He too was under Junmyeon's spell. Bound to do anything in order to protect the one they all adored. Still, he’s left conflicted.
When had things gone to shit?
To me, you're a tragedy, a long one.
Yi Fan simply sighs. His gaze resting on Junmyeon's bare figure. He's sprawled on Yi Fan's bed. How's they'd gotten in this position was a story for another time. For now, Yi Fan simply pulled the covers towards him. Tucking the younger in.
"I'm sorry." Junmyeon utters. His face marred with unshed tears. His face flushed a faint shade of vermillion. Embarrassment, Yi Fan presumes. Shame, he notes.
"It's fine." Yi Fan assures.
"It's not." Junmyeon murmurs. There's a tinge of exhaustion in Junmyeon's voice. One, Yi Fan's unable to comprehend. Hadn't been able to for awhile. Perhaps, that's what hurt most of all. Junmyeon being unable to disclose his feelings as before. Unable to lift that heavy weight off his chest.
They'd lost that bond.
Had for awhile.
Junmyeon sighs "I'll leave in the morning. There's no need for bad press. They're already on my tail as is. I just want to be able to disappear quietly." He mumbles.
Yi Fan wonders when he'd stopped being able to understand Junmyeon. When? When had Junmyeon become so difficult to read. To understand?
Or, had he only read Suho?
Can't believe, can't believe.
Minseok fills the position. Who else would? He's the oldest.
He's seated and briefly filled on EXO's future. It's quite terrifying. Minseok whole figure trembles. The weight a bit too much. Perhaps, that's why Junmyeon left.
"I understand." Minseok replies. Quickly relaying back the information he'd received. Once management was pleased he'd been asked to relay their wishes to the rest of the members.
The messenger; His bitter thoughts quickly betray.
A leader; Without an ounce of say.
The irony causes Minseok to snort. Perhaps, he should have asked management to quickly schedule his enlistment.
Perfect.
Pristine.
Even in despair.
Aliens; Not human. Void of flaws and emotions.
Aliens.
You've stopped like this.
"I'm a mess." Kyungsoo quickly mutters. His gaze transfixed on the figure that laid dead ahead. He doesn't say much. Unable to truly form a coherent sentence.
"What would you do?" He questions to no one in particular. His voice laced with a tinge of desperation.
Silence.
I thought we would last forever, but where are we?
Baekhyun's lips thin. He's quiet. Even more so than usual. His fingertips tracing the eloquent features that graced Junmyeon.
"Stop..." Junmyeon quietly mutters. It holds no bite. Baekhyun pays no mind to the plea. The pad of his thumb pressing down on Junmyeon's lower lip. Parting them. Junmyeon's breath hitches. He's unable to say much.
"You left." Baekhyun whispers.
He then presses himself against Junmyeon. Causing said male to gasp.
"You left." Baekhyun whispers once more. There's longing and bitterness that accompanies his tone. Junmyeon understands. He knows.
"I'm sorry." He utters. His face pressed against Baekhyun's chest. His fingers skimming across. Dragging along the defining lines of his abdomen. It's a form of silent consolation. One that won't do much to ease Baekhyun. Still, it's all he's able to offer.
"Hyun I'm..." Junmyeon tries to apologize.
Baekhyun's lips are suddenly on his. So filled of greed and wanton need. His arms wrap around Junmyeon's hips. Pulling Junmyeon towards him.
It's full of desperation.
And Junmyeon? He wants to cry.
Why now? Why, that's he's now gone does Hyun kiss him?
Hyun's lips delve deeper. Junmyeon's unable to breathe properly. He's breathless. And Hyun?
He's pressed himself against Junmyeon's. There's a beat. Arousal is clawing it's way towards his groin.
Junmyeon whines.
Baekhyun growls uncontrollably. There's anger in the way he does things.
His face flushes. Unnaturally. He's angry.
Junmyeon is stuck between the thoughts.
Stop, his moral utters.
Don't, his heart begs.
Sensing Junmyeon's hesitation Baekhyun disconnects their lips. A trail of sparkling saliva being the only thing that now connects them.
"Junmyeon..." Baekhyun chants his name like a prayer. His face nuzzled against Junmyeon's jugular.
"Baekhyun, all you need to do is ask." Suho whispers in the midst of it all. Lips swollen. Eyes glazed. Baekhyun lips part. He's unable to utter a single sound. He's in the middle of war.
Desire.
Moral.
Heart.
He chooses silence.
In the end, I couldn't ask you to stay.
"Thank you..." Junmyeon whispers.
I can't believe it, I won't believe it, yeah.
There's many stages of acceptance. EXO, have yet to pass 'denial' seemingly stuck in an endless pool of despair. Unwilling to believe they're now only eight. No longer nine.
I can't erase it all, I won't erase it, yeah.
Jongin simply chuckles. His face pressed against his arm. His figure sprawled at the edge of the couch. It's been three months now. The company dubbing them 'recovered enough'. They're back in the dorms. A silence fills it to the brim. Awkwardness ensues. Still, they're not sure what to do. Practice doesn't start for a few days.
They're all situated in the living room. Quiet. Utterly silent.
"Are we going to pretend we've been left without a leader?" Kyungsoo deadpans.
Minseok is scalded by Kyungsoo's tongue. The others uncomfortably look away.
"Pretend, that the memories we've created meant nothing? Just as we once did? When EXO-M collapsed? Pretend, that we don't feel betrayed. Hurt. Angry? Because, I've had enough! We've turned a blind eye to enough, haven't we?!" Kyungsoo rages on. Eyes narrowed. Irises resembling slits.
You said let's not forget even the smallest pieces.
"No, you're right. We've done enough pretending." Chanyeol murmurs. Everyone turns towards him in surprise. Chanyeol having been more so neutral during the whole affair.
So I’m still here, keeping that promise baby.
"Let's be honest for once." Chanyeol continues.
"Just... Let's be honest."
How you do that to me?
Held breaths.
Baby how you do that to me?
"We aren't happy." Chanyeol insists.
Jongdae chuckles bitterly. Lips curled upwards. Face devoid of any true emotion. He's withholding a faux persona. It's conflicting. With a faux hint of mischief. Eyes crinkling. His body rocking from the laughter.
"No, we aren't."
I can't believe this,
our memories are killing me softly.
The defeaning cries are softly carried by the billowing wind of the solemn night.
I'm slipping above our break up,
ripping apart from you.
"You're fine." Qing Yu whispers. His thumb rubbing his wrist in circular motions. His tone filled with such adoration and worry.
"I don't deserve you." Junmyeon confesses.
"You deserve the world." Qing Yu utters. Junmyeon's brows both respectively furrow in confusion. His own tongue unable to mimic what'd been said. He's, unable to decipher nor translate what Qing Yu has uttered. The Mandarin having caught him off guard.
"I'm quite rusty." Junmyeon admits.
"You'll soon learn." The older male promises. Lips curled upwards in a comforting smile.
"Will you be there to teach me?" Junmyeon dares to ask.
"Will you allow me too?" Qing Yu questions.
"I'd like too." He whispers. Lips parted in a couple of unsaid words.
"You're allowed to still care." Qing Yu reassures him.
"I don't think I've that right." Junmyeon murmurs. His fingers curling around Qing Yu's own. They stand there for a couple of minutes.
"You're allowed to still love." Qing Yu utters softly. His body pressed against Junmyeon's own. Lips pulled thin. Fingertips skimming across unmarred skin. Gaze filled to the brim with adoration. His fingertips then softly part Junmyeon's thinned lips.
"It's understandable."
"I've loved. And, have been loved in return. But, never how've I loved them." Junmyeon confesses with glazed eyes.
"I know." Qing Yu whispers.
They stand.
A simple smile is shared between the two.
Two things remain with me, farewell and comfort
It's all my fault.
Baekhyun's lips utter a confession quite a couple of years later.
Cuz I couldn't hold onto you or ask you to stay.
"I could've asked him to stay." He whispers. The practice room having gone silent.
"Why didn't you?" Minseok questions. There's no bite in the way he says things.
"I couldn't. Not... not after he'd made it quite clear he was terribly unhappy here." He replies.
"Hmm..." Is Minseok's simple reply.
Woo baby now how we doing?
"He's not coming back." Minseok mutters from his position atop the bridge railing. Baekhyun nods in agreement.
"I wouldn't hope so. He's better off now." Baekhyun states. He walks to stand beside Minseok.
"It's been awhile, hasn't it?" Minseok wonders. Baekhyun simply nods "It has." Then silence.
It's quite comforting. To be able to bask in the utter silence. It's become a habit for both Minseok and Baekhyun. It's how they're able to destress. To simply forget.
It's their coping mechanism.
A couple of weeks back they'd both agreed to meet up. They'd both chosen Han River for a multitude of reasons. It'd been a place where they'd both shared fond memories of Junmyeon.
"It's really quite astounding, isn't it?" Baekhyun mutters in awe. His gaze settled on the sky.
"Really? It find it quite nostalgic." Minseok mutters.
"It's the age Minseok." Baekhyun lightly teases. Minseok snorts "You brat." He mumbles fondly.
"I miss him." Minseok then whispers. The confession quite heartbreaking. Baekhyun sighs in understanding. Of course he would.
"You know? I think I now understand his need to leave." Minseok confesses with a hint of guilt. He wrings his hands together. A sheepish smile making its way to his lips. His gaze now lowered.
"It's nothing to be shameful of. I'm sure it's crossed each and everyone's mind before. We just chose not to act on it. The other's..." Baekhyun's sentence trails off.
"I blamed him." Baekhyun then mumbles. His gaze still settles on the night sky, refusing to meet Minseok's gaze.
"After they left." He continues. His voice wavering.
Minseok sighs "I think we all did. It's much easier to blame anyone other than yourself." Minseok explains.
"You've a point there."
"Of course." Minseok replies smugly. Baekhyun's lips curl upward. A fond smile.
"At some point I realized. Why he never once asked them to stay." Baekhyun states.
"Whatever do you mean? Junmyeon asked Yi Fan to stay. There's that public announcement." Minseok wonders in confusion. Baekhyun simply shakes his head.
"Suho asked. Because, that's what Suho was supposed to do. Junmyeon... Junmyeon never once asked. It's taken me quite some time to realize. Why, with that spell he'd over us. That he chose to let them all go." Baekhyun continues. Causing Minseok to get confused.
"What nonsense?" Minseok utters.
"Minseok, Junmyeon could've never asked them to be unhappy. To feel the way he'd been feeling. To suffer as he was suffering."
"He's like that."
Silence.
"Yeah, he's like that." Is Minseok's murmured reply.
"So unnoticeably selfless..."
We've really become strangers.
"You've grown?" Junmyeon whispers in awe. Baekhyun's lips curl upward.
"You've stayed the same." He teases lightly.
Junmyeon lips curl into a pout. Still, childish as ever.
"I heard you're disbanding soon." Junmyeon murmurs softly. Baekhyun nods "It's time. We've had a good run." He supplies.
"How long now? Ten years?" Junmyeon questions with a frown. Baekhyun nods.
"It has."
Silence descends.
"You’re getting married."
"You’ve heard."
"How could I’ve not?" Baekhyun mutters with longing. His fingers come to swipe at the snow caught on his fringe.
Woo yeah, everything has disappeared
but I can’t believe.
"His name is Qing Yu." Junmyeon murmurs. His fingertips dance across the mug. There’s a billowing stream of steam that arises from the content of the porcelain mug.
"He’s Chinese." Baekhyun replies. Junmyeon simply nods.
Woo yeah, everything has disappeared but I can’t believe.
"Junmyeon, why’d you leave?" Baekhyun asks rather bluntly. Junmyeon sucks a gulp of breath through his teeth. He’d expected the question. Still, he’d never been prepared to answer.
"Baekhyun…" He trails off. He’s unsure of what to say. He’s afraid his reasoning would upset the Vocalist further.
"I was selfish." Junmyeon murmurs. His grip on the porcelain mug tightening.
"But, it wasn’t just that. Was it? There must’ve been more. Something, it must’ve been the final straw." Baekhyun prods further. Desperately, trying to attain an understanding of the event that had happened so long ago.
"The constant sadness." Junmyeon relents.
"Baekhyun… I wasn’t happy. Hadn’t been in a long time. I was tired. Tired of being relied on. Being placed on a pedastool. One, I knew I could never fully amount too. You, EXO loved Suho. Not, not Kim Junmyeon. I was a mere shadow cast. Someone who’d been trapped behind a façade." Junmyeon continues. Arms crossed. There’s a ray of light that catches Junmyeon.
It causes Baekhyun’s lips to part in a gasp. He’d forgotten. He’d once loved this man. Or, at least the man he’d portrayed to be. Remnants of Junmyeon and Suho still lodged in the rather impenetrable organ that caused him to ache in the first place.
"At some point, I realized that I wasn’t happy anymore. That'd I’d reached my limit." Junmyeon finishes with a offhand tone.
Baekhyun’s figure stills.
Can’t believe, can’t believe.
"Junmyeon…" Baekhyun trails off. Junmyeon offers him a simple shrug.
"I’m fine now. It’s been quite awhile. I’ve gotten better. It’s thanks to Qing Yu." Junmyeon mumbles tha name fondly. Cheeks tinting a faint shade of vermillion.
"I’m glad." Baekhyun replies. There’s silence. Unsaid words threatening to show.
"Im glad." Baekhyun repeats.
Your words, saying things’ll get better some day
"He looks splendidly well." Chanyeol whispers. His side pressed up against Kyungsoo’s own. Kyungsoo nods offhandedly. Jongin’s gaze following their former leader’s movement. Sehun’s gaze on Junmyeon as well.
The entirety of EXO had gathered as a way to gather lost time. The week before, EXO’s disbandment has been announced. Their decade long contracts having been expired. Yi Fan, Lu Han, and Zi Tao finally allowed back in Korea.
"He does, doesn’t he?" Kyungsoo replies.
"He's happy." Minseok observes.
"Far happier than I’ve ever seen him." Jongdae comments. Minseok shrugs in response.
"I’m glad. He deserves this." Yi Xing quips. His features soften. Junmyeon approaches them.
"Yi Xing!" He’s engulfed in a bone crushing hug. Junmyeon’s lithe arms tightening further. There’s a quiet sob that erupts from Junmyeon’s throat. It startles the rest. They all approached worriedly.
"Jun Mian, you’ve aged well." Yi Xing whispers. Voice muffled by the tresses of unruly curled hair. There’s fondness accompanied with the Mandarin statement.
"Don’t tease Yi Xing. I’m still older. Brat…" He murmurs against Yi Xing’s clothed chest. Yi Xing merely grins against his crown.
"I’m sorry." Junmyeon utters quietly. Lips pressed against Yi Xing’s collar. It’s a moment of intimacy. One, everyone was a spectator too. Yi Xing’s grip tightens on Junmyeon’s lithe figure. He’s skinnier than he recalls. Then again, he’d stopped all forms of contact for a couple of years.
Yi Xing realizes quickly that he doesn’t truly know this Junmyeon. This Junmyeon is different from their Junmyeon. Only, he’d never really been theirs to begin with. No, Junmyeon hadn’t been theirs. It’d been Suho who’d belonged to EXO. Even then, Suho as well hadn’t truly belonged to them. He’d been the company’s creation.
There, Yi Xing realized. He’d fallen for someone he truly didn’t know. He’d fallen for Suho. Not Junmyeon. The realization struck a cord.
"Don’t, you needn't apologize. We’ve hurt you as well. Perhaps, we’ve caused you more pain than we’re able to fully comprehend. Don’t apologize. Just, be happy. Please, be happy." Yi Xing begs.
Junmyeon’s gaze locks with Yi Xing’s gaze. There’s uncertainty.
"What makes you think I wasn’t happy with EXO?" He questions.
"You left, didn’t you?" Minseok utters from behind. There’s no malice in his tone. Still, Junmyeon’s left reeling. He sighs.
He’s no answer to Minseok’s rather rhetorical question. He wishes he did.
To me, it’s already deep inside.
"We’re better now." Junmyeon finally mutters. There’s an accompanying silence. Everyone left hurt from the words.
Now, we’re better now. It’s as if they hadn’t been better before. But, they hadn’t. They know that now. Still, the damage has been done. It’s something that’ll follow them continuously. Something that’s wedged in the crevices of their chest.
Some had left. Others stayed. Most had loved. And some? Not enough.
It is, what it is.
They’re unable to change the course of their rather muddled past.
The words I couldn’t say in the end, stay.
Baekhyun’s suddenly transported back in time. They’re back in the dimly lit conference room. Held breaths. Erratic heartbeats.
Junmyeon’s sigh. It lingers. He’s unable to grasp at him. Unable to ask. To plead. Perhaps, he’d unconsciously know then, what he consciously knows now.
Twelve hearts. Simultaneously beating as one. In the middle Junmyeon stood. They’d all been cowards. Every single one of them, Junmyeon included.
Baekhyun’s back to the present. But, he’s five years too late. They all are. Junmyeon’s content now. He’s to be married. They’ve all made their separate lives.
In a couple of year EXO’s name will no longer be relatively known. They’ll forever have their achievements. They’ll forever be known in their dear fan’s hearts. They’ll be seen as role models. Younger Rookies will strive to achieve as they’ve achieved.
But, no one will truly know. Not of the pain. The struggle. Not of the man whom they loved. Not of the regret that’ll linger.
Junmyeon untangles himself from Yi Xing’s hold.
"I’ve loved. And, have been loved. But, never how I’ve loved you." He confesses. Although he’s facing Yi Xing. There’s no mistaking his intention. His words are meant for all in the room.
"From, Minseok’s feline grace. To, Sehun’s spoilt nature. And, all in between. I’ve loved each individual in this room at one point in time."
Lu Han’s lips thin. He’s unable to utter a single word. Yi Fan’s lips follow suit. Zi Tao’s gaze lowers. There’s a thousand words unsaid. Perhaps, even more.
There are things that’ll forever stay unsaid.
Apologies.
Doubts.
Accusations.
Heartaches.
Pleads.
Truths.
Lies.
It'll all stay unsaid.
"There’s many things I’m sure we’ll regret. Things that’ll forever stay unsaid." Junmyeon whispers. He then stops. Unsure of how to continue. How to explain himself. Baekhyun intervenes. Places his hand on Junmyeon’s own. Offers a comforting gaze.
"We know." He assures him. And, they do. They know. They understand.
"We know."
Still, the lingering regret is present. Baekhyun’s unable to rid himself of it. The 'what ifs' still unbearable. So, he chooses to watch over Junmyeon for the time being. He’s lost the right to be someone in Junmyeon’s life.
He knows.
They know.
They've loved. And, have been loved. But, never how they’ve loved him.
Stay, stay, by my side.