Chapter Text
Donghyuck took his 16th (more or less) gulp of water in an effort to get his raging nerves down. His conversation with Jaemin took a whole turn and sent his head into a new frenzy, what with Mark’s psuedo-confession and now, with this piece of news … it was only so much he can bear.
What the hell did Jaemin mean? That Yukhei got “out of the way” for him and Mark? That he had suddenly broken off their relationship, sending Donghyuck into a spiral of self deprecation and loss of self esteem just for the sake of him and Mark? Him and Mark? What did that even mean? That they… No, it couldn’t be. Donghyuck was not going to entertain any such blasphemy. Especially not regarding his already overly complicated feelings towards his own best friend.
It wasn’t that his and Yukhei’s relationship wasn’t good, or anything. It was just… abrupt. And certainly something Donghyuck hadn’t been prepared for. For the older boy had came up to him after one of SM’s year-end parties, and confessing his growing feelings for the younger boy, how he had admired him throughout their dance practices together, but never able to pluck up the courage to talk to him. Yukhei had Donghyuck falling hook, line and sinker - who could say no to the image of a bashful Yukhei confessing his attraction to someone like him - blushing cheeks and flaming ears and all? Out of all the members, Donghyuck could never claim himself to be of any exceptional beauty - especially with people like Taeyong on the loose, getting girls and guys alike swooning over his godly visuals and cool demeanor.
Donghyuck had never really been accustomed to such attention and validation in his life after so many years of being overshadowed by his more skilful, more popular hyungs. Yukhei’s confession was the nail in the coffin for him (and his ego) and he couldn’t bear to say no, especially with the doe eyed Yukhei, who looked so hopeful and bashful, waiting for Donghyuck to accept his attraction towards him. Needless to say, he was flattered beyond words, and had allowed himself into an unsteady and uncertain relationship that his naive 20 year old self could have never readied himself for.
The rest of the members had caught wind of their relationship, eventually. It was laden with the Typical Taeyong Mom Behavior ™, full of nagging and warnings for them to “keep it off the cameras” lest they hurt their careers, and undertone threats by Doyoung for Yukhei “to take care of him or else”.
However, the one response Donghyuck hadn’t expected from was Mark. He had not expected the elder to be all that pleased, since Donghyuck himself was guilty for giving Jeno the cold shoulder after finding out about his relationship with Jaemin. It was what he dubbed as the ‘best friend syndrome’ which took at most 2 weeks of sulking and saltiness before said affected person eventually came round. Back then, he couldn’t help but curl himself up in his bed, feeling an inexplicable betrayal towards his two friends, yet being unable to explain why he suddenly had felt so isolated, alienated and left out from the people he trusted most. But he got over it within a few days. So would Mark, he supposed.
Only he didn’t.
Donghyuck had to admit that prior to their relationship, his and Mark’s friendship wasn't all that good. The elder’s never ending schedules kept him away from Donghyuck for the most part, and often, he had come home to Mark’s empty bed, and a ringing silence as he waited under the covers for his friend to come home. Only when he did, Donghyuck had already succumbed to slumber, his weary body protesting his fight against sleep just to have a decent conversation with his best friend. Those days stretched into weeks, and their lack of communication built more of a bridge between the two than anything. Tensions arose, thanks to Donghyuck’s pent up feelings of neglect and loneliness at Mark’s seeming inability to catch on to the growing distance between them, and Mark’s patience wearing thin with his best friend, who he felt was being unreasonable whenever he got onto his rants every other day about ‘not spending time together anymore.’
However, things came to a head when Donghyuck and Yukhei’s relationship came to light. Mark hadn’t even acknowledged either of them yet, which led Donghyuck to think that the elder probably had a lot of things on his mind, and couldn’t be bothered to give a reaction to the new development. However, upon hearing his room door slam followed by the subtle roommate switch with Doyoung, it became pretty clear to the younger. Mark rarely explicitly expressed anger towards any of their group members, no matter how angry he was at any of them. The only time Donghyuck had ever saw him vent his frustration was after an argument with Johnny, laden with raised voices and angry words (in English, which he did not fully comprehend). It had eventually culminated in Mark leaving the dorm for a while to clear his head. Even then, he returned less than an hour later, apologizing profusely to his hyung and to the members at large for losing his temper in front of them. Back then, it scared Donghyuck to see Mark depart from his usual mild manner, instead turning to an agitated, incensed figure that he could not associate with his kind, gentle friend.
But the cold silent treatment from Mark had completely thrown him off. He was hurt beyond measure at this clear expression of abandonment, rejection and anger from his best friend, who had always been unmeasurably patient and loving towards the overly emotional and temperamental Donghyuck. He couldn’t wrap his head around Mark’s behaviour. He found no good reason why Mark was so mad at him. If Donghyuck could be happy for Mark’s constantly busy schedules and opportunities (though it came at the expense of their friendship), then why couldn’t Mark be happy for this slightest bit of happiness for him? Wasn’t that what best friends were for?
Days stretched into weeks and then, it became one full month since the last time Donghyuck had had a decent conversation with him without the elder making some excuse to be in another room whenever in proximity to Donghyuck. It ate away at him inside to be so distant from Mark. It felt so wrong. So wrong that even Yukhei’s constant sweet words and affectionate gestures couldn’t fill the void he felt from having to face the ever widening chasm between him and his best friend.
And then, Donghyuck snapped. He couldn’t bear not having Mark by his side, blabbering about everything and anything under the sun, he couldn’t bear not having a dig at him everyday just to see his reaction, he couldn’t bear not being able to see the elder laugh til he struggled to breathe at Donghyuck’s lame, offhand jokes - he couldn’t bear not having Mark in his life at all.
So after one painful, torturous month he had plucked up the courage to knock of the door of Mark and Doyoung’s shared room. He waited after two knocks, and after no reply, he began to tremble.
“Mark, it’s me. Open the door.” he said querulously, fighting down the emotions that were engulfing him.
The door swung open quicker then he expected and he flinched upon making eye contact with his best friend after so long, so long, since he could stand so close to him without the elder fleeting away from his gaze, or making up some excuse to get away from him.
Lest Mark changed his mind, Donghyuck pushed his way into the room and closed the door behind him. He turned to face his friend and took a deep breath.
“We are going to talk, like two mature, grown adults. And you’re not going to run away.”
Mark exhaled loudly and slumped his weight onto the edge of his bunk, fixing his eyes onto a spot on the carpet. “So talk, then.”
“I don’t like the way you’re treating me. It’s uncalled for. It’s unfair. You’ve no idea how hurtful it’s been-” Donghyuck paused, tears burning in his throat. Stupid, stupid, stupid, he rebukes himself. He swore that he could make it beyond the first line. Now, it looked like he was going to bawl for a good hour before he could produce another coherent word.
He angrily swiped at his tears and persevered on. “If you had an issue with me and Yukhei being together, then say it. You should have, a long time ago. You- you shouldn’t have just - cast me off like that!” his voice raised an octave, his emotions snowballing beyond his control. Mark remained in his position.
“You were the one I turned to! You were my favourite hyung and I loved you, trusted you the most. And to have you, of all people turn your back on me like that - it’s more than I can bear.”
Donghyuck took deep breaths trying to calm himself, and continued before his tears could stop him.
“Yukhei hyung and I are done, Mark. He broke up with me a few days ago, and with all the shitty excuses he gave for doing that, there was one that made a lot of sense. And it mostly had to do with you. I want to know if it’s true.” His glassy eyes fixed on his best friend, who still hadn’t moved since he began talking. “Is it true you… did all that because of him? Because you weren’t happy seeing us together?”
Mark stayed still, his face twisting.
“Say something Mark!” Donghyuck pleaded, unable to bear the silence.
“Yes, I was unhappy.” he finally let out. “I was unhappy and jealous and angry, which made it all the more worse. Our friendship was not in a good state in the first place and when he came in, I…” Mark’s voice caught a little and he cleared his throat. “I never felt so alone. I felt replaced, as though Yukhei had become your source of happiness and I was nothing.”
“I was so ashamed of myself, Hyuck. It was so selfish of me and I couldn’t bear to face you. I was a horrible friend, and you never deserved to worry about my shitty ass when I was so caught up in my own business that I didn’t spare a thought for your feelings."
“I wanted nothing more than for you to be happy but I didn’t want it without me in the picture.”
Mark got up and strode over to Donghyuck. If his eyes weren’t deceiving him, the elder’s looked strangely glassy. Mark never cried. Only once, in front of him and it was out of happiness. He could feel his heart breaking.
Of course, Donghyuck could relate. The shame of wanting your loved one to be happy, but the ugly selfish monster inside you wanting to be the only reason why. He felt that too, whenever he saw Mark laughing still he wheezed whenever he joked around with the older hyungs, who doted on him as though he was their maknae, whereas Donghyuck was just the noisy kid who annoyed everybody. He felt his gut twist with jealousy whenever girls couldn’t help but shoot heart eyes at his friend whenever he walked past them, even though he knew they were nothing to worry about. That ugly, possessive creature that existed in him, existed in Mark too. And it drove them apart.
“Donghyuckie, this is way overdue, but I’m sorry. Please forgive me because I really need my best friend back, ‘cause life really sucks when he’s always mad at me.”
Donghyuck grinned and let out a watery chuckle in spite of himself. Mark outstretched his arms for an embrace and Donghyuck went into it willingly. It felt so right, like the world had righted itself again, with him in Mark’s strong arms, smelling the familiar lingering traces of lemongrass and clover scent in his hoodie and hearing the heartbeat of his best friend hammer in his chest as he held Donghyuck tight in his arms. Everything would get better now, now that he had his best friend by his side again. Everything would be alright, as long as he had Mark back.
But the peace in Donghyuck’s mind didn’t last forever, as something kept niggling at the back of his head, which could not even be quieted by his and Mark’s restored friendship.
After all, Mark had never actually told him exactly why he and Yukhei’s relationship had gotten him so jealous.
//
No one likes to hear the dreaded “Can we talk?”. If it's from your mom, it is likely that you’ve screwed up big time, because you were caught for doing something you shouldn’t have. If it was your teacher, you’ve most likely been pissing her off the past few weeks and she would like a measured, mature “word” with you (a pseudonym for a good ass-whooping). Even worse if it’s from your significant other. There’s no way you’re not screwed.
But here was Donghyuck, sitting at the edge of his bed, wanting nothing more than to leap out of it and walk out of the room, better than having Yukhei corner him at the worst of times to have the ‘talk’. He knew what was coming, and he didn’t want to face it. Not now, not when he felt most bereft, cast off, and lost, feeling like he could drown in all the pain and loneliness he had been bottling up the past weeks. But another side of him felt a smidge of something like… relief? That they could get this over and done with, that all the questions that kept him awake at night would finally be answered, resolved. Closure for something, at the very least.
“Just get it over with, hyung,” the sharp, indifferent tone that Donghyuck had initially wanted to go for instead came in a brittle waver. He mentally slapped himself for sounding so weak. So much for the tough act.
“Just know that my feelings for you haven’t changed, Hyuck. I still care for you. It’s just that… just that things around us did,” Yukhei finished lamely, fiddling with his hands.
“Get on with it,” he hissed through gritted teeth. Yukhei’s doe eyes met his for a millisecond before fleeting away shamefacedly.
“I don’t think we are right for each other. It is my fault, I asked you when it was too early for me to foresee anything, anything that resembled a future for either of us. I shouldn’t have been so hasty when I pursued my feelings for you. That’s where I feel most guilty, because you will get hurt. And I never wanted that.” A coarse, piercing silence filled the room. And Donghyuck’s cold, brittle voice pierced through it.
“I’m not getting any warmer.”
“Well,” Yukhei sighed, clearly realizing how difficult this was going to be. “First off, the members. I don’t think they were ever comfortable with this. And I felt bad, for the most part, because making anyone uncomfortable in this house is the last thing I want to do. And that included you.” He ran his hands through his face tiredly.
“I was really selfish, thinking about how we can make this work, when all along it was blatantly obvious. It cannot, not when all of us live under the same roof, and are still under the same company, the same group. There are too many things at stake.”
“Those are the most common reasons why idols don’t date, hyung. So if it was so blatantly obvious, why did you still go for it? Why realize it now?” he spat. Donghyuck knew he was being difficult, but he needed to hear it. Yukhei’s words struck a chord in him, and he wanted to - no, he needed to know why. Why they were never meant to work in the first place.
“Well firstly, the members don’t seem to like it very much, and I already said that I don’t want them to-”
“Who, hyung? Who exactly?” Donghyuck could feel it, the name that haunted his mind and occupied most of his thoughts, on the tip of his tongue, but constantly pushed away by his own doubt and denial.
“All of them, alright? All of them! Don’t make me say who! All the hyungs give me that look, that disdain, as though every second of being with you means I’m hurting you, dragging the group down or-” Donghyuck flinched at Yukhei’s outburst, having never seen the mild-mannered boy so agitated before.
“I just wanted to make you happy. I was a fool for thinking it could work out somehow, but I see it now, it can’t. Not when our relationship is going to hurt other people, not when it is going to hurt you and me. It won’t do,” the older’s voice took a gentler tone now as he got up and walked over to Donghyuck’s side.
He took the boy’s hands and held them in his, the familiarity of those warm hands providing him comfort and reassurance causing Donghyuck’s heart to twist. He couldn’t bring himself to look at the older boy, who was lifting his chin gently to make eye contact with him. Donghyuck’s eyes filled with tears upon seeing the older boy’s pained eyes, yet still so full of concern and yearning for him.
“I’m sorry, hyung,” was all he could manage.
Yukhei shook his head and stroked away a tear gently. “I should be the one apologizing. I never meant to ruin anything. I just want you and -” he cut himself off and cleared his throat. “I just want you to be happy alright? For things to be normal again.”
Donghyuck nodded and allowed himself to be enveloped in Yukhei’s embrace, trying to savour all the lingering feelings of protection and safety that he so desperately sought. Even if it was temporary. Awhile was enough for him.
But deep down inside, he felt that his burning question was still unanswered, left hanging elusively in the air. Who? Who was so against their relationship that it pushed Yukhei over the edge, to let go of Donghyuck even when it looked like he hadn’t wanted to?
Deep down, Donghyuck felt that Yukhei was alluding to one person the whole time.
//