Chapter Text
Washington followed Benjamin into the cramped tent. The boy looked tense, uncomfortable, like he was expecting a reprimand. He had gotten one quite often after all, so why not this time? Washington could only wonder what the boy would want to discuss with him.
The tent was small and flimsy, the wind blowing throw the thin walls and nearly blowing out the candles. Washington huddled into the cloak, seeking the warmth- only to realize that Benjamin had no such thing. He looked at the small figure and realized that the Major didn’t clasp his hand together because he was on protocol but because they would shake otherwise.
Didn’t they get a couple of cloaks, enough for all the officers? Why did Benjamin Tallmadge not receive one? Or did his generous nature kick in again and he gave it away to someone even more freezing?
Ben stifled a sneeze that had Washington look at him with concern. He knew the stories after all. Halfdead and delirious with fever for three days. It was a wonder he had survived. “Should we go into the mansion, Major? It is rather chilly here.”
Tallmadge bowed his head. “I apologize for that, your Excellency.”
That wasn’t what he… Wahington forced himself to remain calm but one thing was absolutely obvious in this small gesture: They could never be friends. He knew of no two people farther away from friendship than them. Even a red coat would be a more possible friend- there at least would never that border of respect and rank. He was the general Ben both adored and feared. He would never be George to him. He would never see him behind all that masks. Only Martha did and could stand it.
Still, he at least could do something friendly, even if it would mean his personal sweet torture. “I assume you wouldn’t have anything against taking up residence at the mansion with the other staff members.”
Did Benjamin… Dear god! The boy blushed like an innocent little child and maybe he was exactly that, if the talk was… He forced his mind away from these thoughts. Dangerous, they were dangerous and sick. The boy was right there and he was… it made him taste bile and helped to quickly drive these thoughts away. But unfortunately, he couldn’t do the same with his eyes and that blush really suited Benjamin. If he touched his cheek, would it be warm right now? He longed to try but he knew he couldn’t, never. Why couldn’t he just be happy with a woman like Martha? Why couldn’t he have a normal heart, a healthy mind? God, please! Washington curled his hands into fists, nails digging into the soft palms.
Ben couldn’t look him in the eye but stared at his feet as if they were the most fascinating thing in the world, his cheeks heating up even more, despite the cold air. ”I think it would be unbecoming, Sir.”
“Unbecoming?” It sounded scandalous, downright scandalous in his ears and he couldn’t fight the idea that Ben’s thoughts might have gone in another direction than the talk and gossip, one that Washington was far too familiar with. Every night in his dreams. But he knew Benjamin Tallmadge and the boy wasn’t like this. He was better.
Ben’s face heated up even more. “Sir, there… I see it as my… You see…”
“Major?”
His head shoot up, protocol and discipline kicking in. “Yes, sir?”
He sighed and tiredness suddenly crushed him down. It was of no use. Better put it behind him and get back to work. “Stop the stammering and spit it out. Why did you want to talk to me at this hour?”
Ben bowed his head even lower. “I wish to resign my post as Head of Intelligence.”
What? No! That couldn’t… Not him! Benjamin was the only one… The only one he trusted…
It hit him like a fist to the stomach. The talk! He had overheard it and he believed it and why not? Brewster thought his friend, this man, that was nothing if not a saint in the most biblical way possible, would indulge in sodomy with him, why then could not Benjamin believe him to actually want this? There might have been enough loyalty left to defend him in public but in private? Who would want to work close to a man who would ruin one’s name by the mere presence? His name, his honor, his future.
A thought suddenly struck him: Was Benjamin afraid of him? Of him forcing that matter? He studied the Major and tentatively took a step back. Did he relax with more space between them? Washington just wanted to leave. Better not seeing him than to bring fear.
The answer to Ben’s stammering resign was, when he finally got it out, strangely calm, like said by another person, one that didn’t feel like the emotion would burst his heart. “Why?”
The boy raised his eyes and oh that look through soft lashes… It held so much innocence that he wanted nothing more than to hug him and hold him close. There was no lust in his wish, not even a trace of it. Benjamin Tallmadge did this to him, made him a loving fool by his nearly shy behavior. God, he wished he could just hug him. Just talk to him, not as a general, just…
Washington turned around and walked to the table that stood in the middle of the room, covered in letters. He was the general! “If you are abandoning me at this critical point in the war, I at least deserve an explanation, don’t I, Major?”
“Yes, sir, but I would not call it abandoning. I merely spare you of my own incompetence.”
Washington raised an eyebrow. “Incompetence?”
If it would be Hamilton, he would ask himself if the boy was merely fishing for compliments but it wasn’t Hamilton, it was Ben they were talking about and that was something different. Entirely different. He wasn’t the type to work like this. This was just his character. Humble. Honest. Loyal. How he adored this qualities in him.
“You…” Benjamin licked his lips and looked like he was already sentenced for execution.
“Yes?” He intended for it to be soft, but one look at Benjamin showed him that his trying fell on death ears.
“Lieutenant Brewster just informed me that he would no longer courier for me.” At was only a whisper.
That he didn’t expected and the words hit him like a punch to the stomach. “Is there a special reason for this decision?”
Thinking of it… Of course, there was- a rather obvious one. He heard Brewster and he heard the accusations. Sodomy… And Benjamin had defended him at the cost of his best friend. He suddenly felt old and dirty. Friendship was everything to Benjamin, he had seen it before, heard it before. Only such a man could think of a spy ring built on childhood friends.
“I…” Ben’s face lit up again. “I’m afraid there is, sir and I do apologize for my incompetence to lead. I fully understand that you want another head of intelligence, one that is more capable in keeping his…”
He moved his head, just barely, but it was enough to make Tallmadge stop.
He shrunk under Washington’s gaze. “I’m sorry.”
“Major.”
The title had the boy turning red again. “You gave that title to me in hopes of a Head of intelligence that might make you proud- I didn’t. I let the ring down. I let you down. I don’t deserve that title. If you allow, I will return to the front as a captain.”
“No!” The harshness in his voice did startle even him- Benjamin looked terrified. Well done, George! “No.” This time softer. “It might be your courier that let you down, but you didn’t let me down. A Major isn’t responsible for deserting troops.”
Ben paled in an instant. „He didn’t desert. Sir, I beg of you… Do not court martial him for my mistakes. He merely couldn’t work under me as a leader anymore.”
He looked so fierce, fierce and terrified, defending his friends, just like he had defended him only minutes ago. Like he would be one of Benjamin Tallmadge’s friends! Still, the idea was a comfort as long as he could fight of the logic. “Your mistakes? It was him storming out of this tent.”
Surprise shone in the blue eyes. “You saw…”
“I did.”
“He was… concerned and didn’t take some rumors lightly on the account of my... It was a misunderstanding.”
“Rumors”, Washington whispered tonelessly.
Ben went crimson and nodded. “There has been some talk… Rumors, nothing, but…”
The rumors! Now they were entering dangerous ground. Very dangerous ground. He should back off! But he couldn’t. He needed to talk to the boy, if only to give him a fair chance to choose his loyalties again and go back to his friend to make peace. He owed him that. Or was it more? “If with rumors you mean the talk about a relationship between…”
The boy looked so uncomfortable that Washington stopped himself. Of course, he was uncomfortable! He should have known better. Why couldn’t the world think like Martha? At least he had one kind soul that didn’t push him away after knowing the truth.
No, that was not right! Benjamin was a kind soul, he just was better than him and he was the pervert. The uncomfortable trembling of Ben’s hands made him wish he had never said a word.
“Yes, your Excellency. I apologize…”
“Apologize?”
Ben nodded, only to stop under Washington’s gaze.
“You didn’t start that rumor, so you have nothing to apologize for, Major. And I stand by that title. No Captain can run the Intelligence service and on the front a Head of Intelligence is of little use.”
“Thank you, sir. Still, I want you to know…”
“You never encouraged this talk? I know. Why does Brewster believe it?”
“He… Your Excellency, you…”
“Why? And do give me his exact words.”
Benjamin closed his eyes in defeat, before he slowly began. “He says you lust after me with every look and that I drool in your presence like…”
He got the picture. Was it that obvious? Was he loosing his grip? When even a drunk like Brewster could see through his so hard work on mask, what would Congress see? The Brits? His other men?
“I see.” It was all he could manage.
“I… of course I couldn’t let that be said and we… we fought. He took it personal that I sided with you- against him.”
“He believed the accusations to be true given your actions.”
Benjamin nodded and he looked so miserable. Sad. Lost. He had just lost his best friend because he couldn’t see the truth. “I appreciate the action but you must not fight with other soldiers over a thing as trivial as personal honor. Not if it might effect the war.”
Benjamin bit his lip. “I know. You told me before and that is why I…”
“You will remain in your post if you wish to keep it. But do promise not to defend my honor again when the price doesn’t fit the worth of it- or the existence of the reason at all.”
“But sir, your…”
Washington smiled sadly. It was for the better. “You are young and full of ideals. Keep that but do see the reality, Major. Now, go find your friend and make peace with him. He deserves your loyalties more than my honor does.”
The boy stood there, stunned. Eyes wide and silent. Shocked. Disgusted?
“I will give you till noon tomorrow to rethink your wish to remain as my Head of Intelligence. If you want to resign, I am sure there will be a place suited for a man of your knowledge and spirit- and it won’t be on the front where an immediate danger might have you convinced to a decision you do not make with all your heart.” And with that he turned and made his way to the entrance. No need to put more pressure on the boy- or fractures in his heart.
“I don’t need till noon.”
He stopped dead. Here it comes! “I see. I hear that Philadelphia might need another governor. Your expertise will have the city blossom.”
“Sir?”
That small word had him turn around. It was stupid, but there was still hope in him. “Yes?”
“Do I have to go to Philadelphia?”
“No. You can choose a position…”
“I chose the one you gave me back then. I want this post- at your side.”
The words were everything, more than he had ever hoped for, dreamed for. “Benjamin…”
“I… I swore an oath, an oath of loyalty.”
The oath… “You swore it to the flag, to Congress, not to me.”
“It is yours, no matter the… the talk of some or the…”
The corner of Washington’s mouth twitched, but the gesture held no laughter. “The truth behind it?”
Ben gulped and there was a moment in which Washington wasn’t sure what he saw in these blue eyes, but the boy didn’t look away, not for one second. “The truth is, that you are the Commander in Chief or the Continental army and that you will lead us to freedom.”
“Your loyalty to the cause and a person’s rank is admirably.”
“My loyalty may lay with the cause but not with some rank but the person that holds it. I might be a lowly major and my opinion is unimportant, but I have one- and I will act by it.”
“You are more than a lowly Major and your opinion matters, Benjamin.” He saw the uncomfortable look on the boy’s face and made another step back. “Forgive me, Major. I will not assume or force you to a level of friendliness that you are not comfortable with.”
To his surprise, Benjamin took a step towards him. “You misread my actions. I am merely surprised by the level of comradery that you are proposing.”
Comradery… It nearly sounded like friendship. He took a deep breath. “Can I be frank with you?”
Ben nodded and the look he sent him had Washington longing again. Why was life so difficult? Why was there no chance for him? He just wanted to be liked.
“I must admit, I do dream of things you neither will give me nor are comfortable to talk about. They aren’t even legalized by the very declaration and nation I am fighting for. I will never address them or act on them but do you think you could give me your friendship without disgust or fear?”
Ben stepped forwards and… Washington froze in shock, surprise. He was dreaming. This had to be a dream. The reality wasn’t that happy. “Ben?” He whispered.
The young Major jumped back, crimson faced and eyes cast downwards. “I just… You looked like you really needed a hug and Caleb and I, we… I’m sorry if I…”
For the first time he felt light, happy, satisfied. Ben might never love him and he might never be able to act upon the longing, but he would be able to hold him, to talk to him- and Ben knew the truth. He knew it and still stood by him. “You are right, I really needed it. Thank you.”
He had Ben’s friendship and tolerance, that was more than he ever hoped to gain. And for the first time in what felt like ages he smiled- and it reached his very heart.