Chapter Text
This time when Remus woke, he thought he was back home. The room was cooler than before, and he’d been woken by a strangled cry beside him. Only when he attempted to roll over did he realise that he was still in a hospital bed. He was fully woken by almost falling out of the bed onto Sirius, who was asleep in a particularly uncomfortable looking chair.
Sirius’ brow was furrowed so deeply it looked etched into his skin. His knuckles were white from clenching his fists and his breathing was fast. Slowly, not wanting to alarm him, Remus heaved himself from the bed. His ribs were a little more painful when he was moving, but nothing that he couldn’t handle. He knelt next to Sirius and slowly began to unclench his fists.
“Sirius, you’re not there. You’re with me in the hospital. Don’t worry, I’m the idiot that got himself here not you. It’s okay. You’re with me.” Sirius’ fists slowly unclenched. His breathing got deeper, without slowing down. Remus realised his whole body was shaking, barely noticeable.
“We’re in a VIP ward at St. Mungo’s. You visited me earlier and fell asleep. Clearly the nurses knew not to wake you, which shows they’re a good judge of character.” His breathing began to slow. This was how Remus usually dealt with Sirius’ nightmares. Stop him harming himself, which he usually tried to do, and talk to him until he fell into a deeper sleep. Remus sighed to himself. Sirius’ fists had slowly unclenched, and he now held his friend’s hands loosely in his own. He rubbed his thumbs over Sirius’ knuckles, as if to erase the pressure that was no longer there.
“You’re so tense.” Remus whispered, unconsciously pulling Sirius’ hands more comfortably into his own. Sirius shifted in his seat.
“You shouldn’t end up in hospital then,” Sirius whispered, eyes still closed, “then I’d have nothing to be tense about.” Remus dropped Sirius’ hands like they were burning him. Sirius jumped in his seat, eyes snapping open.
“Sorry, sorry,” Remus could feel himself going red. He tried to pull himself up, “you gave me a shock. I was just…” but he didn’t know what to say. Sorry Sirius, I just like holding your hands? He didn’t think that would come off particularly well. They were silent instead as Remus pulled himself back onto the bed. Sirius watched him all the while.
“I was having a nightmare again?” Remus nodded in reply, although it was clear he’d only asked to break the silence. Sirius was still shaking, more so now that he’d woken up.
“How’re you feeling?”
“Do you remember it?”
They’d spoken at the same time. Remus hated this awkwardness. It was all because of his stupid interview.
“I’m fine,” Remus replied, a couple of seconds out of normal, “I’ll be surprised if I’m not heading home with you tomorrow.” Sirius nodded.
“Good, I’m glad. Although I’m not surprised, those nurses would have had you out of here yesterday if they could have justified it.”
“Well, they’re just being cautious.”
“Cautious?”
“Sirius, I’m a werewolf, and in case you’ve forgotten it’s not exactly appreciated outside of our social circle.”
“If I’ve forgotten? How could I forget!” Sirius pulled himself out of the chair and began pacing next to Remus’ bed, “you’re in fucking hospital, you still have one huge black eye because they can’t risk using magic on it before your eye socket is healed. Christ, you won’t even tell me who the lowlifes are that did this.” Sirius looked like he wasn’t even paying attention to Remus. He was just being angry in his own bubble. But once he looked at Remus again the anger seeped out of him. He sat on the edge of the bed, not making eye contact.
“I do trust you. You think… you think I don’t because I didn’t tell you where I was and I still won’t tell you. No, I won’t tell you,” Sirius had given him a look of contempt at that, “look. I’m ashamed of where I was. Of the kind of people I was having to try and get work from. And I honestly don’t want to tell you or anyone else about it, okay?”
Sirius’s facial expression was unrecognisable. He didn’t seem angry, but he wasn’t happy either. He kept eye contact for a few more seconds than was comfortable, then nodded. Remus leaned back into his pillows, inwardly sighing in relief. Finally, an end to the awkward questions.
“Did you tell Mad Eye I was your boyfriend?” It took all of Remus’ energy not to sit bolt upright. Sirius had said it so fast he wasn’t sure if he’d heard it right.
“Boyfriend?”
“Yeah. Well,” he felt Sirius shift uncomfortably, “he said when he came out, ‘your boyfriend is an idiot’.”
Boyfriend?
“And… what did you say to that?”
“That you weren’t. My boyfriend I mean.” Obviously. Remus felt a flush of embarrassment running through his whole body. As if he’d have any other reaction.
“No, I didn’t say that. Or anything about, anything. I didn’t say… anything.” Mentally applauding his own eloquence, Remus rubbed his face with his hand as if he was tired and that was the reason he wasn’t speaking like an actual human being. They sat like that for what felt like a while, not looking at each other and not saying much. Remus almost thought it was safe to change the subject, but:
“And there wasn’t anything to say, was there?” Fuck, does he know?
“What do you mean?” Remus swallowed, thinking the only thing worse than this conversation would be his voice cracking in the middle of it.
“Fuck’s sake, I don’t know, Moony. Look, forget I mentioned it alright?” Sirius moved to get off the bed, and without thinking, Remus reached for his hand. Sirius froze as if someone had snuck in and embolised him. After an eternity, he sat back down but didn’t look at Remus or their hands.
Well fuck, this is a pretty awful reaction, Remus thought, I bet I could use this awkward silence to invent a spell which would physically let the ground swallow me whole.
“We’re both tired,” Sirius said, his voice sounding horse, “you should get some sleep.”
Remus knew he should pull his hand away. That was a clear dismissal if ever he heard one, the old ‘not thinking straight’ excuse. But he didn’t. Instead, he shifted so he was lying on his side, facing the way Sirius was sitting. He left his hand on top of Sirius’ and closed his eyes. Screw it, he can pretend I have a concussion in the morning if he wants to. If this is the only moment I get, I’m taking it.
And with that, Remus let himself begin to fall asleep. His dream began with Sirius’ fingers purposefully closing over his own. God, it felt so real.