Chapter Text
Part V
Who is Izuku anyway?
This is certainly not his first existential crisis, but he’s sure this one won’t be his last. Unfortunately, these things come at really inappropriate times (like right now). Currently, it’s unknown a’ clock but Izuku knows he’s beaten his alarm by a longshot. That leaves him in a very odd predicament.
Despite the exhaustion deep set in his bones, despite the force he uses to press his eyelids shut, despite the fact that he knows that his anxious thoughts didn’t calm down until well past 1 am, Izuku just can’t go back to sleep. So here he is: lying in limbo, not asleep but still afraid to open his eyes and look at the clock. If he looks at the clock that means he accepts that he got no sleep last night (but denying that truth only makes the numbness seeping into each of his cells permanent).
He gives up. A glance at the clock says 4:03 am. Well, 3 hours is 2 sleep cycles. That’s technically livable. Izuku pointedly does not think about how little sleep that is for a growing teenager or any of the other anxieties creeping just beneath his first layer of thoughts. Instead, he forces himself out of bed and focuses on changing into his running clothes in order to go about his normal morning routine.
Everything is fine (it’s not) until he starts his morning jog. He figured he could focus on his surroundings but this early in the morning there are too few distractions to keep his mind from straying.
Izuku has fallen behind with his course work. He had been so concentrated first on saving Eri and then on making her happy through the cultural festival that he hadn’t put in his normal dedicated study time. Still, he figured he’d get the chance to catch up later. It wasn’t clear how wide his knowledge gap had grown until he looked at the material this last weekend. Two days of cramming hadn’t been enough to rectify his previous lapses in judgement and now he needed to add more study hours to his evenings. (How?) He couldn’t cut into his training time though. He needed to perfect his shoot style and get stronger. (He wouldn’t lose anyone else.) So now he was debating: study before or after evening trainings?
His run ended sooner than expected. The burn in his lungs and the extra fast heartbeat in his chest means he hadn’t been on top of his pacing (just another thing he’s not doing well). A longer than usual shower and normal dressing routine do nothing for the bags under his eyes (or the weighted blanket of distress that seems to hang from his shoulders).
Somehow, he’s still ready for classes too early. Not wanting to stay in his room alone, he instead goes to his classroom (to sit alone no doubt). He walks there in a daze, letting anxieties as small as the misplacement of one of his favorite mechanical pencils and as large as the inevitability of the League of Villains’ next attack to flit in and out of his head. Izuku doesn’t even realize he’s sitting in his seat until he feels the wood chair beneath him or that he’s already taking out his notes like he’s on autopilot. He opens the notes as if to study, but the words don’t register (nor do his classmates until it’s too late).
“There you are Deku!”
Izuku is brought out of his thoughts at the sound of his name. Luckily, he has plenty of time to fix a smile on his face as Uraraka bounces over to his desk with Iida marching straight-backed behind her.
“We were waiting for you!” (Izuku had forgotten all about them.)
“Ah! I’m sorry Uraraka! I finished my morning work out a little earlier than normal today and figured I should go over yesterday’s notes with the extra time.” (He’s surprised how light his voice sounds.)
“That’s so cool that you’ve already worked out this morning, I woke up like 15 minutes ago.”
“Uraraka, you really ought to follow Midoriya’s example and use your time more wisely!”
“Sleep’s important too Iida!”
“Yeah! What Deku said!”
His friends continue the conversation until class begins and then they have to head to their seats (Izuku shouldn’t be this happy when they leave). The day feels longer than normal, and it takes all of his focus to keep up with the teachers. He wishes he took as good notes over his classes as he does in his hero analyses notebooks.
Even after his evening training and extra study hours the night before, Izuku wakes up even earlier the next day. And the next. And the next. His runs go by faster and faster (he begins to wonder if he runs faster the more anxious thoughts he has). Uraraka and Iida don’t expect him to walk with them by day three, but they still come talk (by him not to him) every morning before class. It becomes a habit to take out his notes every day but by day four he doesn’t bother pretending to read them until people begin to arrive. It’s not like anything is registering with less than 3 hours of sleep every night anyway.
It’s his new routine by Friday. By then, he’s more mindless than a stuffed animal so it’s actually no surprise that he’s already pulling his chair out to sit before he sees an odd color in his periphery. Izuku jumps slightly in surprise (which is stupid). Looking at it dead on, he realizes it’s a flower; a piece of lavender if he’s being specific. He stares at it for a second, half in shock by its presence, half in awe. Picking it up with tender fingers, Izuku feels something stirring inside of him for the first time in several days (he doesn’t want to name this feeling in case that makes it disappear again).
Immediately, he goes to press the flower like his mom once taught him, not wanting to accidentally lose it once class starts up. As he goes through the motions of pressing the flower, he can’t help but wonder who left it for him.
Maybe one of his friends? Uraraka? Iida? Tsu? They must have left it after class yesterday. Or maybe it’s from someone else? He looks up abruptly at the thought that maybe it’s from a secret admirer?! Of course, someone enters the room at the exact moment the blush begins to form, and he buries his face in his notes.
No one has ever liked him enough to give him a (nice) gift before. Well except his mom. He can’t help the millions of thoughts that run through his mind, but he’s sure glad he’s not muttering aloud this time. As more people start to trickle in, he wonders who’s going to bring it up. Momo’s already here and hasn’t said anything. Tsu comes in but doesn’t say anything more than hello. Ashido doesn’t even look his way which isn’t uncommon. Same goes for Jirou and all the guys. Uraraka is the last girl to enter and while she comes over to talk over as usual, she doesn’t mention the flower at all.
When class starts, the feeling Izuku had gotten upon finding the present starts to turn into something else (no, don’t you dare). Secret admirer? Why would he think it was that? It’s not like this is the first flower he’s ever gotten. He remembers in his second year of middle school finding a daisy on his desk. All the petals had been plucked out except for one. Someone had written “NOT” in big black sharpie letters on his desk. He got the message.
While guys in his school were always direct in their bullying, girls (he learned the hard way) liked to whisper behind pointed fingers and laugh loudly at clever jokes he never heard. He remembers during his first year in middle school how a popular girl from his class had cornered him on White Day. His heart was pounding as she said she had something for him, but, instead of chocolates, she threw white paint in his face. Even though his eyes were closed he heard the clicks from the camera phones and the laughs of her friends. He saw those pictures along with everyone else the next day.
In his head he knows that UA is different. His classmates wouldn’t do that. The flower was just a nice gesture (or to lead him on again). Surely someone would bring it up during the day. Maybe someone quiet like Todoroki or Kouda had left it? (Or maybe it wasn’t meant for him.)
But no one does bring it up that day and the feeling from this morning has completely warped into something foul. He spends all of that evening and the rest of the weekend drowning himself in homework, forcing himself to forget he even got it. When he opens a textbook on Sunday and sees a perfectly pressed flower, a wave of nausea washes over him, and he slams the textbook shut.
On Monday, Izuku doesn’t go in early. He doesn’t wake up any later, he just doesn’t get up. He doesn’t get dressed, he doesn’t go running, he doesn’t even shower. Instead he just lies in his bed, scrolling through the headlines on his phone up until the last possible second. (Turns out he was right, staying in bed does etch that numb sensation forever into his being.) He knows he should go running. He should be studying. But reading hero news provides an escape (that he desperately needs) at least for a little while. At least he goes back to walking to class with Uraraka and Iida, sometimes Todoroki, but even that doesn’t feel the same as before. (He’s just going through the motions.)
It’s around this time that Izuku also starts skipping dinner. There’s not enough time in the evenings to train, study, shower, and cook. If he keeps focused on the task at hand, he doesn’t get hungry anyway, so cooking is the easy choice to drop (he’s perpetually dizzy due to the lack of sleep anyway). He eats more at lunch to compensate; he adds protein bars to his daily routine. This saves him about an hour, so he figures it’s worth it. After a few days, he doesn’t even give it a second thought.
Until Izuku is on his way back from his evening training one night and he sees Uraraka at his door.
“Uraraka?” His friend swivels to look at him and he sees she’s holding a couple of bowls.
“Deku!” She looks…relieved?
“What are you doing here Uraraka? Ah! Were you looking for me? I’m sorry! I was out training and it got late before I realized it.” He feels his face start to heat up and he’s talking too fast, but the idea of her standing at his door waiting for him embarrasses him to no end.
“I made you some dinner! I’ve missed you down in the kitchen lately. You have been eating right?” His smile can’t hide his guilt. “Deku! Don’t make me get Iida to scold you!”
“I’m sorry! I just forgot!”
“Well next time you forget I’m coming to get you, got it?” Izuku nods furiously (but his stomach sinks). “Good! Then here, enjoy the food even though it might be a little cold by now. It’s too close to curfew to go heat it up again.”
“That’s fine, thanks for making it for me!” He can’t quite make his strained smile reach his eyes (because he can’t thank his friend for giving him more things to worry about), but he can take the bowls of rice and stir fry from her hands.
They say their good byes and Izuku can (finally) escape to his room. The food is indeed cold, but he forces himself to finish all of it (the same way isolated tears force themselves down his cheeks as he eats). He feels bad for making Uraraka worry. (He also feels pathetic.) Still, he’s not looking forward to having to add “dinner” to his list of things he has to do again. As he eats, his brain starts to rearrange his schedule, trying to add time for dinner. Izuku can run a mile without his heart rate getting much faster, but for some reason he can feel it racing in his chest. (Perhaps it’s because his schedule now feels like Jenga and he can only pull so many hours out of his day before his life comes crashing down.)
Somehow, he figures it out. The next day he cooks dinner like a normal person. And the next. And the next. He tries to cook easy things, even if it’s the same flavorless meal every day and it sits heavy in his stomach. If it were just cooking time, he’d be in and out in 15 minutes flat, but it’s never just cooking. His time overlaps with Uraraka and he always finds himself dutifully nodding along to her pleasantries and laughing (when he’s supposed to) at her stories. She doesn’t seem to notice him trying to walk away with his bowl of cooked food or his glances at the clock, so he resigns himself to sit there until all the food is gone and he can excuse himself properly. Dinner is never less than 33 minutes long to his disdain. The days that hit 40+, Izuku can barely keep the food from working its way back up his throat.
Now he’s got a schedule again. Wake up early, lie in bed while scrolling through the news (pretend there’s nothing to do), (fake) smile with friends on the way to class, classes start (stay awake), (try to) take notes, eat lunch, more classes, train, dinner, shower, homework, go to bed (don’t fall asleep), repeat.
The only days he has off from this routine are his weekends. No class equals more hours which means more time for studying. He needs this extra time to make up for the evenings where he trains too long or there’s too much homework to allow him to catch up. (Why does everything come back to time?)
If Izuku is anything, he’s smart. Before UA, before One for All, before whatever you’d call this mood, Izuku had been first and foremost a “bright boy”. It’s not an easy genius like Kacchan; Izuku studies hard. It’s simple math: studying hard gets you good grades. Apparently, someone’s changed math. He reads and reads, does practice questions in the back of his textbooks, but his answers are all wrong. His homework gets handed back has more x’s than circles for the first time in his life and they keep coming back that way. (What’s going on?)
Today’s a Saturday and he’s reading the same passage over and over again because it just doesn’t compute. He knows what the paragraph says, but it covers one of the questions he got wrong on the quiz he failed (because he is a failure) so he’s re-reading it anyway. The words just seem to taunt him though since he knew this. He knew this answer, he studied this the Sunday before. Yet, without a doubt in his mind, he also knew he didn’t know the answer when he was taking the quiz (the same way he knew at the time that his heart was beating too fast and that the angry “Deku!” he yelled at himself in his head throughout the exam did not sound like “You can do it!”). He reads the paragraph again only to feel something strange under his finger nails.
Pulling his hand out of his hair, Izuku sees bits of red under some of his nails. Instantly, his hand shoots back up to touch the same spot of his skull, only to feel a small moist spot next to scaly skin. He can’t help it, he picks at the rough spot with curiosity and pulls away a small scab. His eyes blink confusedly as he stares at what can only be a piece of his scalp, complete with a hair follicle. Great. Of course, he didn’t even realize he’d been scratching his head all this time. It’s always been a habit to run a hand through his curly hair, but he guesses he can add “head scratching” to his list of nervous tics. Maybe he and Shigaraki have something in common after all?
Oh god Deku don’t start thinking about that.
So now on top of re-reading paragraphs that explain questions he should have gotten right on a quiz he (deserved to have) failed, he also makes a point to only tug on his hair, not run his hand along his scalp. Izuku is so fixated on this that he nearly falls out of his chair at Ida’s powerful whisper.
“Midoriya! Good morning to you!”
“Iida! Ah, sorry, you caught me a little by surprise.”
“My apologies then, I just realized that although I see you studying here in the library quite often, I haven’t formally said hello. Would you mind if I joined you this fine day?” Izuku’s heart starts beating faster (yes, he does mind).
“Ah—I—I guess not?”
“Wonderful! But please keep your voice down Midoriya we are after all in a library.”
“Sorry!” Still too loud.
As Iida begins to settle himself into his seat across from him, Izuku can’t stop his brain from going into overdrive. What does Iida want? Did he do something wrong? Does he look as bad as he feels? No, that can’t be it; Iida probably just wants to chat like Uraraka normally does.
“How did our last quiz fare for you?” Izuku can’t help the flinch that happens automatically at the word quiz. “I found it to be quite difficult.”
Oh no.
“Yeah,” Izuku laughs meekly. “It was a little tougher than expected.”
Please drop this. It’s bad enough that he had to deal with Aizawa’s disappointed eyes, please don’t let Iida also realize how much of a failure he’s been (and still is).
“Midoriya, perhaps we should study together. We are both here every weekend in any case, as friends we should be pooling our knowledge and teaching one another.”
Yup Iida knows. Deku tries his best to smile at the offer, but the blood rushing to his head puts too much pressure on the part of the brain that controls that stuff. It was only a matter of time he supposes. Word travels fast in their class, but it still feels too soon. Izuku helps his classmates study; he’s not supposed to be a burden on them by having people help him. Iida is staring at him still (stop staring). Deku knows he can’t stay because he can’t handle this.
“Sure Iida, sounds good! But I was actually just about to leave for the day right about now. Can we start studying together tomorrow?” Iida looks shocked and normally Izuku would try to rectify the situation, but Deku has to get out of here.
“Well, of course.” Immediately, Izuku starts collecting his belongings. “Do you need help with that?”
“Nope! Thanks though. Bye!”
As he runs out the library, Deku feels the tears start to prickle at his eyes. Why? He shouldn’t be crying; Iida just wants to help. But now Sunday means studying with Iida and maybe every weekend will be studying with Iida. What were they supposed to cover together? Izuku is still a week behind. How will he catch up if he’s losing time working with Iida? His open weekends now have “study with Iida” on the to do list and suddenly they don’t feel very open.
The rest of the day is a bust, and Deku hates it (hates himself). Several times, he picks up his textbooks, his homework, his weights, but he always finds himself back in bed, phone in hand. He doesn’t leave his room all day. He can’t stop thinking about Iida and how badly he had reacted to his offer. Why can’t he just be normal?
Sunday comes too soon and somehow Deku fakes his way through it. It’s not that bad (he hates every minute of it). Unfortunately, he is right about this being an “every weekend” thing and next weekend Uraraka joins them. There goes even more time.
It comes to a point where he’s skimming time from everything he can (except his mornings of escapism because at this point he’s not even a person before he gets out of bed). He’s always rushed, his heart is always a little too fast, and he’s always a little too tired but he’s got it. Finally, finally, everything is handled.
Or so he thinks until he gets a text from Todoroki. It’s not the text that scares Izuku, they text on and off all the time; it’s the sudden request to meet. His response in agreement is immediate but he can’t help but read and reread Todoroki’s text with concern. A couple of seconds later there’s another response but it’s a short, “Everything’s fine. Let’s meet tomorrow at 4:30pm in front of the dorms.”
For the first time, Deku’s glad he’s used to running on 3 hours of sleep every day because he doesn’t get any sleep that night. Along with his usual anxieties, Izuku keeps imagining his future meeting with Todoroki. Did something happen with Endeavor? With his mother? Was he angry with Deku? Did he just want to spend time together? Did he forget something? Is Todoroki worried about him? (He should be.)
To make matters worse, that morning Todoroki walks with him, Iida, and Uraraka to class but doesn’t say anything about their meeting later. He sits with them at lunch too but still nothing. By the time it’s 4:30 pm and the pair start to walk down one of UA’s paths, Deku is an emotional wreak.
They walk for a while, but Todoroki doesn’t say anything. Izuku wonders if this is a challenge somehow, one he’ll lose if he speaks first, so he keeps quiet. That very silence, however, begins to burrow its way into his skin. It’s pure electricity through all of his nerves and Deku doesn’t know whether he’s shaking or vibrating. Eventually, he can’t take the suspense.
“Are you sure everything’s alright? Did—uh—did you want to talk about something?”
“You’ve stopped responding to the group messages.” Again, Deku can’t stop the flinch.
Despite spending all night thinking about what could have possibly spurred this meeting, Izuku had never considered this small fact. In all honestly, he hadn’t even thought about the group chats in a while. Unlike messages written directly to him, Deku had figured no one cared whether or not he said anything. Half those messages don’t get read anyway. There was no time to check them anymore. Reading messages about plans he couldn’t attend only hurt so why bother?
“Ah! Sorry! That’s—I didn’t mean to. Things have just been so hectic, I didn’t think anyone would notice.” It’s a half lie because Izuku definitely chose to stop his messaging but his reasoning is sound.
“Most people haven’t but it is obvious.”
Deku wants to shrink into himself. Todoroki has always been blunt, but the words burn a little. He’d noticed that people stopped asking him face-to-face if he was going to attend movie night or if he wanted to come on one of the many shopping trips, but to hear that most people really hadn’t noticed his lack of attendance in the group chats is hurtful. Back before, Izuku would make an effort to be the first to comment, to make sure none of his friend’s questions or thoughts got lost in the mess of messages. Seems no one really cared. Except of course Todoroki who despite his aloofness has always been very attentive. And now here’s Deku, concerning him for no reason.
“Sorry,” Deku replies feebly. “I’ll be sure to catch up when we get back.” Todoroki gives him an unreadable look before turning back to stare forward.
“You don’t have to.”
“No, no you’re right, I really should. If you noticed, then I’m sure someone else must have and I’m surprised Uraraka or Iida didn’t mention anything when I was studying with them this weekend, but I guess we were studying so they might not have gotten a chance to bring it up. Or maybe no one actually does notice. I’m not surprised they don’t care, it’s not like I really have much to contribute. But no, I should go back to the chats. At the very least for appearances sake. I don’t want anyone worried about me that’s for su—”
Todoroki suddenly stops walking and it occurs to Deku that he’s muttering again. Heat flushes throughout his cheeks.
“What’s wrong Midoriya?”
“Nothing.” Deku quickly responds, but it comes out too hard.
He doesn’t want to talk about this right now or ever. He doesn’t want to talk about how there’s never enough time in the day or how talking to his friends is too exhausting or how he’s still doing bad academically or how he’s too weak to stop his own superior from dying or how he can’t sleep because Lemillion would’ve made a better Symbol of Peace if Deku wasn’t so stupidly selfi—.
“I see. Perhaps you’d be more comfortable speaking with Iida or Urara—”
“No. I would not like to speak to anyone. Nothing’s wrong. I’m sorry I wasn’t messaging on the group chats. I’ll fix it.” Todoroki tenses and Deku realizes that he’s clenched his fist so hard that his nails make four little crescent moons into his palm. He unclenches his fists but now his jaw is set.
“I’ve got to go, I’ll text you later or something.” Deku pushes his way past his friend and all but jogs to the dorms.
He’ll make it up to him later. If Todoroki will still want to be his friend after this. If Deku actually deserves friends at all. Which, who is he kidding, he doesn’t. He can’t even be bothered to respond to the group chats let alone to spend time with them. He doesn’t “have fun” when they hang out or joke around. He doesn’t have time to waste like that. He needs to study so he can graduate UA. He needs to train so that he can be the Symbol of Peace and protect everyone, everyone, with a smile. Don’t they get that? No, of course they don’t, because they don’t have that weight on their shoulders. This is his weight, one that he accepted just so he could have his naïve dream of being a hero because he’s so selfish. Even after losing his quirk, Lemillion had refused to take a quirk if offered while selfish Deku had been so quick to take it without fully understanding that this meant someone worthier wouldn’t get it. Now, here he is, unable to even talk to a friend like a normal human being. How could he ever be a hero?
Lucky for Deku, he is back in his room at this point because the unrelenting sea of thoughts has caused tears to poor out of his eyes. He shakily sits himself at the foot of his bed, clutching his knees against his chest as he cries.
Why is all of this suddenly so hard? Who is he kidding, it had always been hard for him that didn’t seem hard for anyone else. But why can he not do it now? He put up with bullies, literal beat downs, destroying his limbs, all while never falling behind his peers. Now, he can’t even get through the day in one piece.
Deku is such a failure. Failure of a friend, a student, a disciple. He’s still just a worthless, crybaby Deku. Even now, he’s just wasting time. There’s so much he needs to do and there’s no more time to do it. It’s only a matter of time before the League of Villains attack and hurt someone else and it will be his fault because he’s not strong enough to stop them.
At this point, he can barely breathe through his tears. Or at least that’s what he thinks until the room literally begins to spin and his chest begins to hurt. The pain radiates down his arms and, for a second, he thinks that he’s having a heart attack because the constriction in his chest is unbearable and his heart beats too incredibly fast. His face is burning and he’s gasping into his knees until he’s shakily able to extend them. Then he’s just gasping into the air in front of him.
He’s going to die like this. He’s going to die in a way fit for a failure.
But another part of his brain screams “BREATHE IDIOT”. The breaths aren’t even, there’s still a lot of gasping and shuddering, but eventually he feels his chest open up a little. It makes it easier to pull in oxygen and it makes his vision a little clearer. He’s still covered in tears with a hot red face but at least he’s not dead yet.
Deku stays on the ground for a while before dragging himself up onto the bed. Instead of crawling under his bed spread, he rolls himself in it like a burrito. For the first time in the last few weeks, he falls asleep immediately.
He doesn’t know if he’s lucky or unlucky that he wakes up as early as he normally does. It feels unlucky because his phone is dead, so he can’t read the hero news like usual. Instead, he’s stuck with those same debilitating thoughts as the evening prior. He stares at the ceiling for a while before the thoughts start having physical effects. His heart, unsurprisingly, is first as it starts to beat rapidly in his chest. Next is nausea, a less common but still familiar sensation.
Then he begins to feel…wrong. He doesn’t know how else to describe this gradual but all-encompassing necrosis that begins in his fingers and toes and spreads to his very core. His skin begins to itch as if it’s been covered in a thin layer of grim and Deku has the gnawing urge to go wash it off. Unfortunately, he can’t do that because that requires him leaving his bed and he’s currently not in control of his body.
With what little control he does maintain, Deku presses his eyes shut in an attempt to spare them from the despair now working its way up his neck. For once his eyes don’t burn from lack of sleep, but he can feel the residual puffiness from his crying the night before. He wants to run from this feeling, fight this pain like he would fight any other villain, but he also can’t help but think the words, “this is what you deserve”. Eventually, the feeling reaches his brain and the traitor that it is soaks up the misery like a sponge that wants this. Having completed its transformation, his body is no longer its usual “numb” but rather a newfound sense that he describes as “empty”.
For some reason, Deku is able to regain control of this shell he calls a body and gets out of bed. He gets dressed, grabs his belongings, and walks to class. It’s still far too early, he knows. Instead of going into his classroom, he finds the nearest bathroom and locks himself into the stall furthest from the door and waits. The restroom is quiet, but his mind is anything but. He waits and waits. He hears the halls grow busy, but he doesn’t leave until they are quiet again. It’s just about time for classes to start when he walks in and quickly takes his seat. He can feel several sets of eyes on him, the strongest stare coming from what he is sure are mismatched eyes at the back of the room. No notes are taken during classes today and he’s the second fastest person to leave the room when lunch time finally arrives.
Unsurprisingly, the idea of the cafeteria and sitting with his classmates is arduous but Deku knows one other place to go. With expert knowledge, he makes his way up to the rooftop. The lock is easy to pick, thanks to all those times he used to practice with Kacchan as a child. Not a very heroic pastime but it comes in handy. Deku doesn’t come to the roof often, and certainly never in a mood like this, but there’s nowhere else for him to go.
In the fresh air, his mind stills for the first time. It’s always peaceful up here and there’s always a bit of a breeze due to the height. Before Deku knows it, he’s gripping the chain-link fence and staring off into the horizon. The image isn’t as pretty with the metal in between him and the sky. Though meant for safety, Deku can’t help but feel caged.
He doesn’t realize he’s climbed the fence until he’s taking a seat on top of it. It’s so surprising that he blinks a couple of times before laughing under his breath. Guess his legs really do move without knowing why. There’s no way he’s been up here too long before he hears that familiar yell.
“OI! Deku! What the hell do you think you’re doing up here on my roof!”
Deku closes his eyes listening to the heavy footsteps of his rival, bully, and childhood friend all rolled up into one. He can’t help but chuckle a bit at the thought that no matter how their relationship changed, their personalities never did.
“Kacchan, you come up here too?” Kacchan growled, clearly closer than before.
“Yeah, so get lost damn it!”
At this point, he’s made it to the fence. Deku waits to be torn off of his seat but there’s no hand, explosion, or any other show of force. Instead there’s a brief silence before the fence underneath him jingles slightly as Kacchan leans against it.
It’s a surprising action to say the least. Ever since their most recent fight after All Might’s retirement, they hadn’t interacted much outside of the classroom. In many ways their relationship was vastly improved but talking just wasn’t something that was on the table. Strange that this is the person, the only person, who he’s trusted with his quirk’s secret. Except, it wasn’t strange to Izuku then, only to Deku now.
“Do you think All Might made a mistake?” Deku asks unintentionally. He senses Kacchan’s stare from below him, but he keeps his eyes focused straight ahead.
“HEEHH? What are you talking about now you damn nerd?”
“Do you think All Might should have given One for All to someone else?”
Deku doesn’t know why he’s asking, but he can’t stop now. He has to know. Kacchan has many faults but lying is not one of them. Deku knows he’ll answer honestly, and he can’t deny that this scares him beyond belief. He hears a small “tch” sound.
“The hell? If it wasn’t you, then it’d just be some other nobody. I’d still kick their ass on my way to number 1.” Deku hums at the very Kacchan answer that somehow turns his heart into lead.
“What are you asking me for? Go talk to All Might, isn’t he your shitty mentor?”
Deku doesn’t respond because, although he hears these words, they don’t really register. Instead he’s looking at the trees. They’re usually so tall but right now they look like little stalks of broccoli. Perspective will do that to you. He wonders what the “other nobody” who could have inherited One for All would have thought of him. Would they see a potential hero like All Might did? Or would they see someone who would be just as happy no longer existing?
Izuku doesn’t like that train of thought and, for a second, he’s aware enough to know he’s pushing his luck. With ease, he jumps off the fence, avoiding Kacchan’s body and stare.
“Sorry for bothering you Kacchan. Enjoy your lunch.”
The walk back to the classroom takes even less time than it took to get to the rooftop. Lunch is over halfway through, but it takes forever for his classmates to start filing in. It’s the first time in a while that he’s actually thankful to see them, happy to not be alone to think these weird thoughts anymore. It’s easier to laugh off his absence during lunch than he thought it would be, although he’s not oblivious to the look his friends share amongst themselves.
When classes are over, Deku gets in a solid amount of study time before he runs out to train at his normal time. It’s even harder than usual to concentrate on his exercises and he finds himself ending early. Back in the common room, he finds that it’s full of his classmates which in itself is unsurprising, but the way the room gets a little quieter upon his entrance sends a physical jolt of pain straight to his heart. At first, he walks towards the showers slowly, avoiding eye contact but secretly he’s waiting for someone to say something to him. No one does. Oh. He picks up the pace.
He knows when he’s not wanted and thankfully the path to the showers is empty as he quickly makes his way there. He expects to hear the chatting resume once he sheds his clothes and steps into the shower, but he still can’t hear a thing. The water pouring out of the showerhead is louder than the entire dorm building and Deku finds it hard to deny his isolation. He shouldn’t be surprised that no one wanted to talk to him. He stopped talking them first right? Didn’t he want this?
He’s lucky sleep comes immediately again. He wonders whether this emotional exhaustion has some perks.
Deku expects to wake up at the same early time as usual, so he’s surprised when he’s woken by knocking. At least he thinks it’s someone knocking. Opening his eyes and getting out of bed is a slow process, so much so that Deku half expects his caller to be gone by the time he gets to the door, but no such luck. Opening the door reveals Todoroki, one of the last people he wants to see right now. The two stare at each other for a second until his guest gives him a once over.
“Is that what you normally run in?” Deku blinks and looks down to see that he is in All Might pajamas.
“Uh, no?” Todoroki nods understandingly.
“Okay I will wait.”
“…what?”
“I will wait for you to change.”
“…why?”
“You normally run at this time.”
For a second, Deku wonders if he is still asleep. Honestly, this explanation would make more sense than the situation that seems to be unfolding in front of him. But dream Todoroki does in fact seem to be waiting, so Deku has no choice but to shut the door mainly closed and scurry around looking for clean running clothes. There’s not many options because he can’t remember the last time he did laundry but, luckily, he finds something that works. Grabbing his shoes, Deku opens the door expecting Todoroki to explain whatever this is that’s happening while he slips them on, but he doesn’t. Shoes now on, both walk outside and, as if to further confuse Deku, Todoroki puts in a pair of headphones and starts running.
The abruptness takes Deku by surprise and Todoroki gets a good lead on him before he can catch up. Deku didn’t know what to expect, but after running a quarter of a mile with no conversation, he allows himself to let his guard down if only slightly. Despite training every evening, it’s been a few weeks since Deku has gone on a run and Todoroki’s pace is just fast enough to allow Deku to focus on the slight strain on his muscles as they try to keep up. Honestly, the feeling is tranquilizing. At the very least he doesn’t have to think about anything else. Izuku’s missed this.
When the dorms come back into sight, a restlessness settles back in Deku’s gut as he prepares himself for whatever Todoroki’s going to say about this uncalled for work out. Or about what happened between them the other day. Deku’s already preparing his apology when Todoroki gives him a slight wave, headphones still firmly in place, before walking away.
Again, Deku is left behind for a second. What is happening right now? It takes him a bit, but eventually Izuku begins to get ready for classes like it’s a normal morning and not like he’s just stepped out of the Twilight Zone. Later, down in the common room, Uraraka, Iida, and Todoroki are already talking cheerfully as they obviously wait for him to walk to class together. It’s such a familiar sight that Deku wonders if he actually did imagine the whole thing this morning. But when he makes eye contact with Todoroki his eyes share some acknowledgment as if to say, “good to see you again”.
Whatever is going on, Uraraka and Iida don’t seem to notice. They all exchange good mornings and their walk is uneventful. Entering the classroom, Deku’s throat tightens as he remembers how quiet the common room became when he walked in last night. That doesn’t seem the case this time, as the room is still filled with multiple conversations spattered across different groups when he walks in. Doesn’t mean that this can’t change. He’s surprised when his friends don’t react to his sudden stiffness as he makes his way to his desk. Uraraka and Iida follow like they normally do, but Todoroki pulls away slightly sooner to take a seat at his own desk.
“Hey Midoriya!” Deku spins a little too quickly and he hits the side of his desk like a complete idiot. No one seems to comment on it though and he sees Kirishima smiling brightly from two rows of seats over.
“You coming to Movie Night this Friday? We’ve missed ya man!” Around him, people start to nod and make small noises of affirmation, Uraraka and Iida included.
For the millionth time this morning, Deku is caught off guard. His heart starts to beat too quickly, and his mouth gets dry as he figures out what to say. He should say yes because it’s been a while and apparently everyone is already doing things as a group without him. (He doesn’t want to be left behind.) But he wants to say no because he’s still behind on studying and honestly doesn’t know if he can handle being around everyone while he’s like this. Either way he has to say something because he’s taking too long and everyone is staring and surely he must look like an idiot and…
“Don’t know yet? That’s cool!” Ashido’s voice is as loud as usual but just as friendly. “We just wanted to let you know that your spot on the couch is still open when you get some free time.”
“Yeah man, you’ve been really busy lately, don’t forget to take some breaks!”
And just like that, the conversation and attention are redirected away from him. The whiplash is enough to make Deku fall into his chair and he’s lucky no one comments on how ungraceful this act is. Thankfully, Aizawa walks in immediately afterwards because, as is, it takes all of Deku’s willpower not to just let his head fall onto his desk and groan aloud. Why can’t he just person?
Fortunately, classes and lunch don’t bring up any more surprises for him. Unfortunately, that means his guard is down when Iida practically corners him after class. Quick glances around the room let Deku know that all of his classmates have already left (he wishes he had too while he still had the chance).
“Midoriya, have our study sessions been helpful?”
Deku’s squeak of surprise is unavoidable. Iida is always pretty direct, but usually he would ask these types of things with a little more tact. The question is well meaning, but Iida’s eyes are staring at him with a seriousness that makes Deku cower despite himself. What’s he supposed say to that? He’s torn once again because Iida has been very kind and helpful, but also Deku hasn’t been studying well with him or Uraraka and the sessions have been nothing but stressful.
“You can answer honestly.” Iida prompts him.
“Ah—I mean—Thank you for all your time, but I guess no? I’m just more used to learning on my own before studying with a group and there hasn’t been a lot of free time to do that so I’msorrybut—”
“It’s not a problem Midoriya.” Iida stops him as his words start to jumble together. “However, I did notice that you weren’t taking many notes today. Please accept mine and return them when you get the chance.”
Deku stares down at the notebook offered to him and his stomach drops.
“It’s okay, I don’t—”
“Please Midoriya. It’s of no inconvenience. You would do the same if the situation were reversed.”
Of course Izuku would. But the situation isn’t reversed and he’s the one with bad grades and no notes. Plus, he just admitted that he didn’t enjoy studying with his friend. He doesn’t deserve this kindness. Iida’s gaze is still just as intense as before and Deku feels like he has no choice but to take the notes, but he drops his eyes in shame.
“Thanks Iida.”
“It’s really no problem. If you want to study together again, do feel free to let us know but only if you want to.”
With that Iida turns to leave and Deku can’t but to wonder who’s “we”. He has to stop that line of though, however, because his brain is already fuzzy with an endless stream of thoughts and adding more is too overwhelming.
Despite having these new notes that he ought to copy and return promptly, Deku decides to go straight to training after returning to the dorms. He practices his punches and kicks just outside the dorm building for so long that the sun has been gone for a while by the time he gets company.
“Are you okay Deku?” Thankfully Deku doesn’t jump or make any embarrassing noises this time, but he’s just as startled by Uraraka’s sudden existence. What is his luck today?
“Ah Uraraka! I didn’t know you were there, sorry.” He adds this last part because it looks like she’s been here for a while as she’s seated on the ground nearby, a half empty bowl of food in her hands. She takes another bite of food but quickly swallows it to answer.
“You seemed really focused so I didn’t wanna interrupt. You’ve been out here for a while ya know? Aren’t you hungry or tired yet?”
Oh right, he promised her he wouldn’t skip dinner again. At this rate, he’s probably cutting it close to curfew.
“Sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize!” Uraraka seems to hesitate as she puts another bite of food in her mouth. “But really, are you okay Deku?”
What is going on today? It’s almost as if—.
“Today must’ve been weird for you right?” She scrunches her face unhappily. “I can tell by your face, you look really confused. I tried to tell them we should warn you or something, but no one could agree.”
“Wh—what are you talking about?” She smiles sadly and sets her nearly empty bowl next to her.
“We’ve been worried about you Deku…you’ve been scaring us lately. You’ve been really distant, and you look exhausted all the time. Then you weren’t eating, then you snapped at Todoroki. Plus, you’re super smart but you’re grades have dropped. When of all people Bakugo calls everyone—”
“Kacchan?” Uraraka nods.
“Yeah, believe it or not! He called like a class meeting and it wasn’t until that did we realize these weren’t isolated events. …You’ve really been struggling haven’t you?”
Deku’s instinct is to run. Run far away now before this conversation can get any worse. So what if his legs are trembling like a baby foal? He could get on a plane right now, start a new life in Europe somewhere under a new name with a new hair color. He doesn’t have that much money but… Uraraka still stares at him waiting for an answer.
Can he die of embarrassment? His hands come up to hide his face and he’s not surprised that they get wet from silent tears. The whole class was meeting to talk about him, him? Damn it Deku! Stop failing everyone for two seconds and get yourself together. How could he think he was faking it alright? The morning run, the invitation to Movie Night, the notes, of course they were worried about him and he couldn’t even—
This time he does screech in surprise. Uraraka has wrapped her arms around him in a bone breaking hug.
“You don’t have to hide it Deku. Everyone has a hard time sometimes. You don’t have to push yourself so hard. Honestly, you train and study more than the whole class combined!”
He knows that’s a joke and that he should probably laugh, but he can’t even release the breath he’d been holding since Uraraka started hugging him. She must notice this because she lets go of him with this begrudging look.
“Look you don’t have to talk about it with me, but you should talk about it with someone. It doesn’t mean you’re not strong or that you’ve failed just because you ask for help. I mean it when I say we’re all here waiting for you to come back to us, okay?”
Numbly Deku nods and Uraraka returns the favor before bouncing back to her bowl on the ground.
“Make sure you eat! I also meant it when I said I’d sic Iida on you!” With a final smile in his direction, she heads back to the dorms.
It takes him a second to even start composing himself. It’s a few minutes until the tears finally go away. The whole conversation feels surreal and he’s beginning to think that he was wrong in thinking that today has been a dream. Maybe he’d actually been asleep up until now because all his usual numbness is lost, replaced by this uncomfortable feeling of being scrubbed raw.
Eventually Izuku has rubbed away the tear tracks on his face and he makes his way inside. There’s no one in the common room this late, but he can’t shake this feeling of being watched. Knowing everyone’s been talking about him behind his back does that to a person.
On the kitchen counter is a plate of cookies with a bright post-it that says, “Take some please!” meaning they were made for everyone. Or for him. He doesn’t know anymore. Upon opening the fridge with the intention of finding something quick to eat, he instantly starts crying again.
In a neat stack are a bunch of glass storage containers with red lids full of food. That in itself isn’t crazy but the fact that they all have his name written on them in dry-erase marker has caused the waterworks to open back up for business. He instantly grabs the top container before closing the door and it’s only then that he notices a ripped sheet of notebook paper with his name stuck to the door. With a gulp, he grabs it, but decides to wait a second before reading it. Instead he walks over to the microwave and opens up the container of food. Immediately, he’s hit with the smell of delicious curry and his mouth is watering before he even heats it up.
Sticking it in the microwave for an appropriate amount of time, he turns back to the paper in his hand. With a sigh, he flips it open.
Food for the week! Hope you enjoy bro!
You better eat all of it nerd. I’ll kill you if you waste any of my stellar cooking.
Izuku has to read the note a few more times before the words really sink in. Between the two sets of handwriting and what each person wrote, he knows exactly who left the note for him despite it not being signed. But honestly that makes it even more unbelievable that the food’s actually for him. If he wasn’t already crying, there’s no way he wouldn’t be by now.
The microwave beeps happily and Izuku doesn’t even mind that the container is boiling hot when he pulls it out. He grabs a towel, a glass of water, and a spoon before wrapping it up the food to take back to his room. It’s such a relief to not have to cook that he even feels up for copying some of Iida’s notes as he shovels the curry into his mouth. Even with this small burst of energy, it’s not too long later that he crashes. After the confusing and emotionally charged day, he’s barely flopped onto his bed before he’s asleep again.
He’ll have to get used to this whole sleeping soundly thing.
Despite everything Uraraka said yesterday, Izuku half expects everything to go back to the way it’d been before. But nope. The next morning he’s awoken by someone knocking at the door again. This time he’s not surprised to see Todoroki who again waits patiently for him to get dressed. They end up running together every morning for the rest of the week. By the time Monday rolls around, he’s ready before Todoroki knocks (and he’s happy that this makes Todoroki smile too).
Uraraka never brought up their talk again but she seems to be encouraging his participation in their group’s conversations. Which would be fine if he could remember how to do that. At first, he doesn’t know what to say but no one seems put off by his occasional floundering. Eventually his responses are smoother (in part because it’s easier to pay attention to what’s being said when the anxious thoughts are less overbearing) and it’s actually a really enjoyable part of his day (again).
Izuku didn’t make it to Movie Night that Friday, but he is happy that he used that time to finish copying Iida’s notes. It meant he could give them back when he ran into his friend in the library on Saturday. Iida had thanked him before going to his old spot to study. At first it felt awkward studying alone again, but Izuku ended up getting a lot more done than usual. Which is good because it easier to take good notes in class on Monday.
However, the most surprising thing to happen on Monday is the discovery of more food in the fridge with his name on it. He’d figured that the meals were a one-time thing (this is Kacchan after all but maybe Kirishima wanted to keep it up?), but nope there was more. This week it was some chicken dish that he couldn’t name but it tasted absolutely delicious too.
The days aren’t all easy. On Tuesday evening, guilt triggers another panic attack (because he doesn’t deserve such good friends). He doesn’t tell anyone about this, although this time he does some research online about what causes a panic attack and how to deal with them in the future. The anxiety definitely doesn’t go away, but once he finds he can redirect the negative trains of thoughts, he can relax a little easier. (He’s had anxiety all his life so it’s not like this this is anything new). Time is still a big concern, but he’s not doing mental gymnastics when it comes to his daily schedule. Whatever he doesn’t get done today will get done tomorrow (which isn’t always true but it helps him feel better).
By the time Friday rolls around, Izuku is mentally prepared to attend Movie Night. He may have fought a lot more villains than most kids his age, but that didn’t make him any less scared to walk into the dimly lit common room (social anxiety is the worst). He’s even more on edge when he realizes that the movie has already started (when did they change the start time?). He considers not attending after all, but before he can turn around Uraraka makes eye contact with him and aggressively motions for him to join.
Too late to back out now, he walks over to the group. He’s surprised that everyone is here, even Todoroki and Bakugo who didn’t use to attend (what else has he missed?), but even more surprising is the fact that his usual spot in the middle of the center couch where he used to sit is open. Wow, he thought they’d meant figuratively when they said his spot was still there. By now, everyone notices his presence, but the few people who try to greet him in happy whispers are shushed by some of the more intense movie watchers. So instead of replying, he sends them all a small smile and waves hello.
It’s clumsy going, stepping between people on the floor to make his way to the open seat, but he makes it without completely falling on anyone. When he plops down on the couch, he sees that whoever’s turn it was to pick chose that new raunchy comedy that was recently released to DVD. It’s not Izuku’s first choice (like that matters), but he can’t help but laugh at the jokes with everyone else.
During one of the lulls in the movie he looks around at everyone. It feels so natural the way everyone has taken a different position on the couches or sprawled on the floor. It’s unsurprising that friend groups sit together. He’s currently sharing a blanket with Tsu and Uraraka and Iida is walking back in with a popcorn refill. Kaminari is about to make a comment about the movie but Ashido smothers him with a pillow from where she sits above him on one the couches. Hagakure is sitting right up front and if she weren’t invisible her head would totally be blocking the screen. Even Tokoyami who is normally all gloom seems to find the movie somewhat interesting because Kouda has to give him a slight nudge to allow the new popcorn to keep getting passed around. It’s a refreshing change from the last few weeks.
“Thanks you guys.” Izuku hadn’t been expecting to say something, but the words tumble out on their own (and they feel right).
“Shut up nerd, we’re watching a movie!”
“Bakugo!” Several people angrily whisper. Other people turn to him as if to say something but then someone on the television does something ridiculous and everyone’s laughing again. Which is fine because sometimes distractions can be nice.
Izuku is happy to have such good friends.