Chapter Text
Dean allowed his tough facade to weaken and smiled down at Cas– bright, toothy, sweet. Cas angled his face upward and blinked quickly, dark lashes seeming to move of their own accord– how in the hell did they do that?– and Dean felt his heart melt.
“I love you too, Dean.”
Cas’ expression was barely visible in the dusk, but Dean could still make out his smile, that rare, wide one that reached his eyes and made them squeeze ever so slightly. It seemed impossible that he was here, in this dusty shed, with his closest friend and love saying those words. He held back a sob with his grin. He didn’t deserve the angel– his angel– standing before him. He really didn’t.
“Cas… I… man.” He loved Cas too. He knew he did. But he couldn’t even get the words out. What were three little words compared to what he did every day? Get your shit together, Winchester, Dean berated himself, it’s not like he’s saying he hates you, or that he’s going back to Heaven, or leaving you, dammit. He steeled himself even at the thought of that coming to pass, his worst nightmare. No. Cas was here, it was fine, he was here–
“Dean, are you all right?” His surroundings came back into focus suddenly: Cas was studying his face, concern etched in the lines around his pale, steely eyes. Dean realized there were tears dripping down his face for the second time that evening. He was a mess tonight. Couldn’t even do one thing right. He instinctively jerked away, the coarse material of his sleeve scraping the tears from his cheek.
Why couldn’t he just say something nice– say something, anything… The hunter’s mind ran beyond his control, whispering, You’re useless… and How hard can it be?, and more tears escaped against his will.
Cas placed a steady hand on one of the hunter’s shoulders, layers of clothes swishing through the night air as he moved up to stand beside him. From the corner of his eye, blurry, Dean made out a set of dark brows, concerned. He couldn’t believe he had lost control of himself like this, here, with the two of them alone and… and… talking about this of all things. The reflection just deepened his anguish and he plopped onto a rickety bench that was against the wall, dropping his head into his hands. At least this kind of panic had never struck when his life was on the line– Dean knew otherwise he wouldn’t be here.
Cas sat down gently beside him. “Dean.”
“Cas, I’m sorry, I– I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with me,” he muttered as his fingers dug into his scalp. “I’m a fucking mess.”
In truth, he had some ideas of what it was. He supposed that the events of tonight were unraveling the very large pile of forgotten shit he had intentionally shoved away over the years. Karma. Always gonna bite you in the ass. Dean thought wryly. The familiar bite of sarcasm comforted the hunter.
Beige shifted through Dean’s vision and a comforting weight settled on his shoulders as Cas wrapped the hunter in his coat. The surprisingly affectionate action stunned Dean for a moment before he remembered the conversation that had taken place not two minutes ago. The bench complained as Cas scooted closer, and Dean felt their knees touch lightly.
“Will you tell me what’s bothering you?” Cas spoke in a matter-of-fact way that made Dean’s brain tingle. He loved that he always knew exactly what Cas meant to say. No double meanings, no hidden threats, no need to read between the lines. Just Cas.
In, out. Come on. Dean took a breath and exhaled slowly. “Yeah. I’m good now. Just… nevermind. What I meant to say was, I do, too. Uh, love you, I mean. That… came out wrong. Damn.”
Cas’ firm, rosy lips stretched into a playful smile. “Don’t worry, Dean. It’s not the words themselves, or the way they are said, that matter.” Dean’s heart stopped as Cas turned toward him, placed a hand on his denim-covered knee, and pecked a kiss on his cheek.
The hunter couldn’t believe he had let anything shake him up tonight, especially in spite of this. This. Dean had never imagined how relieving it would be to finally admit it. He loved Cas. And Cas knew it. Damn, this has been a long time coming. Dean internally smiled.
The thought must have shown through to his expression because Cas’ smile deepened slightly as his hand found the hunter’s. Their fingers laced together in his pocket, enveloped by sturdy green fabric. Dean liked the feeling of the smooth skin against his own, and he leaned further into the Cas’ collared shirt.
“So, what do we do now?” Cas asked softly. “Do we… do something differently? I’m familiar with human mating rituals, but–”
Dean turned his head with attempted nonchalance, eyes wide and eyebrows high, cheeks heating up despite his best efforts. “Cas! Um–” he huffed out a laugh before continuing. “Well, I guess partners, or whatever, they can express themselves to each other more publicly. And not, y’know, pretend.”
“Hmm. I like the sound of these ‘partners.’” Cas’ smirked in a way that made Dean’s brain somersault inside his skull.
“Me too,” Dean murmured. He could hardly believe this was happening. Here he was, with Cas, in the middle of the night– in a gross wooden shed of all places– talking about everything that had gone unsaid between them. This might give my Fourth of July heaven a run for its money, Dean mused.
Heaven, night… it was nighttime! Stars.
“Hey, Cas, wanna stargaze? If you want?”
“Okay, um. What exactly is ‘stargazing’?”
“Lemme show you.” Dean shrugged the trench coat off so it was hanging from his arm. He stood, tugging the angel to his feet through their clasped hands.
The pair slipped out of the shed, figures silhouetted against the dark purple sky. Dean pulled Cas toward the other side of the lot, where there was a small field of grass. Perfect.
“Stargazing. So. You just lie on the ground and look at the stars, constellations and shit. Pretty self-explanatory.” Dean looked back at Cas as they reached the edge of the grass, noting the small smile playing on the angel’s lips.
“It’s an activity intended for relaxation and enjoyment, yes?”
“Mhm.” Dean slowly sat on the dry grass, Cas following the motion. He twisted toward Cas to drape the coat across the angel’s shoulders, savoring the marvelous, marvelous moment when those baby blue eyes met his. Pulling the trench coat back on, the angel sunk to the grass and folded his legs neatly into a cross while Dean instead flopped down and extended his loosely before him.
“We should probably lie down to see the stars better.” Cas looked over at Dean questioningly.
“Mmm.” Dean scooted closer until their shoulders were touching and then lay down on the grass, quietly patting the empty space beside him.
Cas, still seated upright, was looking up at the sky and was oblivious to Dean’s invitation. The hunter couldn’t drag his eyes away from the man next to him no matter how hard he tried. And, oh, how he tried. He studied the back of the angel’s neck, the raven hair sticking up adorably in every direction, the rough stubble framing a sharp jaw.
Dean was so caught up in just observing the figure next to him that he nearly jumped when the angel laid back on the grass.
“You all right, Dean?” Apparently, Cas had felt him tense in surprise. Damn.
“Yeah. Just startled me.” Dean offered a small grin as reassurance.
Cas returned with a grin of his own and leaned down to lightly touch a kiss to Dean’s nose. The hunter thought his stomach would jump out of his body from the sheer number of butterflies tickling his insides.
Dean snagged the material of the trench coat’s sleeve and tugged the angel closer, causing them to scoot closer together simultaneously, subconsciously. The air between them warmed as the pair realized what they had just done, but they didn’t move back. Rather, Cas gingerly tucked his arm against Dean’s, searching for the hunter’s hand. Rough skin met smooth as their fingers knitted together once again.
Dean contemplated the sky for a moment, taking in the multitude of twinkling lights shining out from a dark indigo blanket. He was always awed by the sheer size of everything and how small his life was in comparison. The hunter arched his back slightly, working out a kink in his spine, and settled into the ground as if it was a soft, cushioned mattress.
Wonder if Cas has ever seen those stars. He shrugged internally. May as well ask, even if it seems like a dumbass question.
“C-” Dean’s voice came out hoarse, so he cleared his throat and tried again. “Cas?”
“Yes?”
“What’s it like? Being an angel, I mean.”
Cas pursed his lips, thinking. “It is knowing the intimate details of everything, how it works and was made. But it’s also simply knowing nothing at all, because we are just another of God’s creations. And, well, we met Chuck. I don’t think even he knows why anything is. Aside from the politics of heaven, of course, which was designed so the order of angels would stay subservient–”
“Cas.” Dean interrupted gently before Cas could go any further. “I didn’t mean about God, or Heaven, or your siblings, or any other sons of bitches. You. I meant you.”
Cas blinked twice, seemingly taken aback. “Well, uh.” He paused. “No one has ever asked me that before. I am glad I have angelic power, because it allows me to protect those who cannot protect themselves. I can help those who have been wronged.” Cas tilted his head proudly. A thought seemed to cross his mind, and he curled up a little. “Assuming I have the power, that is. When my grace is depleted, it… it’s the worst thing in the world. Like I know I could do a mission if only it was a different day, but because I am not at my best… I end up unnecessary. Useless.”
Oh, Dean knew what that felt like. He squeezed Cas’s slender hand, stroking the angel’s skin softly with the pad of his thumb.
“You’re never useless,” he whispered, barely breathing the words into the frosty air. The hunter’s peripheral vision caught a twitch in the angel’s face, although he wasn’t sure if it was a reaction to his words.
“Even when I was powerless as a human, at least I was hunting with you and Sam, and learning about humanity through experience– I was doing something worthwhile. I guess… I only ever experienced being human for a relatively short period of time,” Cas began to speak hurriedly, “and I am glad I have retained some human characteristics. They seem to have weakened as I am technically an angel again, but memory of the experience is enough to simulate the sensations.”
Dean’s brows furrowed as he listened attentively. He never knew Cas missed being human, even the “good” parts of being human– he had thought he had always been happy as an angel.
Cas continued, his gravelly voice bringing Dean back to the moment. “Emotions, empathy. Some feelings have faded, others have not.” He paused to tilt his head toward Dean’s concerned expression before returning his gaze upward. “Tasting food.” He smiled sadly at Dean’s low chuckle. “I know I am set apart by species.”
“Cas. Hey.” Dean waited until the angel looked back over and met his eyes. “Look. Whether you’re an angel, or a human, or a vamp for all I care, you’re still family. Okay?” Dean held Cas’ gaze intently, eyes shimmering green, as they lay side by side.
The angel nodded, still forlorn. All thought of stargazing forgotten, Dean sat up. He can’t think he’s useless, he’s… he’s everything. All of it.
Cas followed suit shortly after, pulling himself up neatly using the hunter’s shoulder. Dean put an arm around him without a thought, and the two leaned into one another, perfectly balanced.
“I’m here for you, Cas.”
“I am for you too, Dean.”