Chapter Text
The next couple of days were rough. Taehyung wished he had known about the withdrawal symptoms before he had taken a single pill. His body constantly ached and the potent nausea definitely didn’t help his body relax. His hands trembled terribly and his stomach continuously tried to expel everything inside of him.
Taehyung wished the nurses would stop forcing him to eat.
It didn’t make it any better to have Taehyung required to have daily one and a half hour sessions with a psychologist. The teenager has always found it hard to talk to others and his psychologist was no different. Just having her sit by his bed made him completely close up and it frustrated him as much as it frustrated his psychologist. He wanted to talk about things but there was something inside of him that made his words get stuck in his throat. He was scared that his psychologist will think he’s making it up or lying. He was scared that she will think he’s crazy and laugh at him instead.
“So Taehyung, how are you feeling today?” His therapist, Anne, asked him. It was Taehyung’s fifth session with his therapist and Taehyung was still struggling to say a lot. He was diagnosed with severe depression, mild anxiety and mild drug addiction. His doctor said he wouldn’t be able to leave the hospital until he was physically better and he has had significant process with his therapist. At this point, it doesn’t seem like Taehyung will ever get to leave the hospital.
“I’m fine.” Taehyung replied, even though he knew it was not what his therapist wanted to hear from him.
Anne smiled. “How about you elaborate on that? Has there been anything that made you feel good this week?”
Taehyung shrugged. “The withdrawal symptoms are going away.”
“That’s good, Taehyung. I’m glad you are feeling better.”
He didn’t really feel any better.
“Is there anything you want to talk about today? Is there anything on your mind?”
Taehyung sighed. There was a lot of things he wanted to talk to his therapist about but at the same time he felt shameful to admit these things.
Taehyung felt embarrassed that he had let something like this happen to him, that he couldn’t even look after himself properly. He was embarrassed to have Yoongi see him like this. Yoongi was an older brother that Taehyung looked up too and the younger always wanted to impress him and get his attention but not like this. Taehyung never wanted attention for this.
“Taehyung, you still with me?”
Taehyung looked up from where he was picking the skin at the cuticle of his finger and nodded.
“Okay, Taehyung that’s good.” Anne said encouragingly. “How about we talk about your hobbies. Do you like to play sports?”
Taehyung frowned. He has never played any sports. His parents never let him. “I- um I like drawing.”
Along the years, Taehyung had found a love for drawing. It didn’t required much. Just a pen and piece of paper that he could get from school. It wasn’t like he had to ask for his parents permission to draw. Drawing had helped to pass time when Taehyung felt so unloved and lonely but lately Taehyung has barely even touched a pen.
“That’s awesome, Taehyung! What do you like to draw?”
Taehyung fought his trembling lip. He was so sick of crying. He shouldn’t be acting like a fucking baby at nearly seventeen years old. However he’s been living like an adult his whole life so he decides if it could just let himself feel for once it’ll be okay. Besides, it’s not like anything he did impressed his parents away. What was the point of doing what they wanted, when it doesn’t change anything? Nothing has helped Taehyung’s parents hate him any less.
“When can I leave?”
Anne gave a saddened smile. “Not for a while kiddo. Your doctor has decided to keep you here to make sure your body heals correctly. We want to make sure your safe and in a better place. Okay?”
Taehyung nodded subconsciously. These days he’s just felt so numb. He wants it to go away but he doesn’t know how. He wants to stop feeling like this but he doesn’t know how. I want my mum.
Taehyung wanted his mother. Even though he has never known what it felt like to have a mum, he still missed her. He has always seen the kind and caring mothers in the movies and the teenager couldn't help but crave that. Taehyung wanted his mum to help him out of this but he knew she hated him. She hated him as much as his dad hated him.
A sob left Taehyung’s mouth and before he knew it, he was full on sobbing. It felt strange to him. He couldn’t remember the last time he cried. He didn’t cry when his father beat him. He didn’t cry when he was sick and his mum ignored him. He didn’t cry when Jimin turned his back on him. Taehyung had been living his life in a state of numbness and now everything felt too much.
“Hey, hey, Taehyung. You’re okay. We get through this, okay?”
Taehyung shook his head through his tears. “It’s not going to get better.” He sobbed. “It’s never going to get better!” Taehyung’s whole body shook, overcome with all the things he has tried so hard to ignore. “Please make it stop!”
Taehyung clutched his chest. Mum, please help me. I need you.
“Tae?”
Taehyung looked up at the voice and felt himself relax a little when he saw it was Yoongi. Everything felt too hard and it made him feel guilty to admit that having Yoongi around made it slightly more bearable.
“Yoongi?”
“Hey.” Yoongi replied as he sat down in the chair, that Anne was previously sitting on, next to the bed. “Hey, calm down. It’s okay. Calm down.”
Eventually the sobs eased to sniffles and then Taehyung was left with stuffy nose.
Yoongi looked at Taehyung with worry plastered on his face. “You feeling better?”
Taehyung sniffled and nodded.
“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”
Taehyung shook his head.
“Okay kid.” Yoongi said, squeezing Taehyung’s hand gently. “Jimin is here to see you. If your feeling up to it, I can get him to come in.”
“Oh.” Taehyung responded, suddenly feeling awkward. He had barely talked to Jimin over the week and now he felt ashamed to have Jimin see him like this. He didn’t want Jimin to see him so weak and shameful when Jimin, himself, was so strong and admirable. Taehyung wanted to hit had have no one ever see him again. However, Jimin had spent his time and energy coming to the hospital to see Taehyung so he couldn’t possibly turn him down. “Yeah, I’d like that.”
“Okay.”
———
When Taehyung saw Jimin, he couldn’t help but feel so embarrassed. Just Jimin’s presence alone made Taehyung feel like an attention seeker, a faker. It made Taehyung feel as though his problems weren’t real, like he was making it all up. Jimin had real struggles and Taehyung had fake ones.
“Tae.” Jimin breathed as he walked through the door of Taehyung’s room. If he didn't feel guilty enough, just seeing Taehyung in the hospital bed made him feel even more guilty. Why didn’t he listen to Taehyung? Why didn’t he help his best friend? Was he jealous? Jimin knows he was. Taehyung had everything in his eyes. Wealth, intelligence, good looks but to Jimin the one that stood out the most was the fact that Taehyung was skinny. Taehyung was rich but he had never earned a single penny. Taehyung was smart but he had never studied for a test. Taehyung was skinny but he had never gone on a single diet. Well that’s what Jimin had thought and sometimes things aren't always as they seem. Jimin had learnt that. Now that he was in a better place, he knew that he shouldn’t have been jealous. He knew he shouldn’t have let his emotions hurt someone else. He knew that just because someone looked okay on the outside, it didn’t mean they were really okay on the inside.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Taehyung.” Jimin spluttered, as he pulled Taehyung into a tight hug. “This is all my fault. I should of listened to you.”
Taehyung shook his head fiercely. “’s not your fault. It could never be your fault. It’s mine. It’s all my fault. I couldn-” Taehyung paused. Even though his therapist has been working on helping Taehyung express his emotions, it was still hard for him to talk about his problems. One of the main reasons why was Taehyung often thought his problems weren’t severe enough to say out loud.
As a child Taehyung had cried a lot. Like all kids, he cried when he was sick, he cried when he scraped his knee, we cried when he wanted his parents. But unlike most kids, no one was there to comfort him. Even when he was sick to the point where he couldn’t get up from his bed, when his leg was hurting so bad after fracturing it at school or when the bullies tormented him so much he was terrified of going to school, no one helped him. He learnt that no one wanted to hear about his problems and forced himself to get over it himself.
Taehyung breathed unsteadily. “I couldn’t tell you what was going on. I-I didn’t know how to say it.”
Jimin sat down beside him and took his hand in his own. He felt terrible knowing how much Taehyung struggled to open up about his issues and when he did Jimin had shut his down. Basically told him his problems weren’t real, feeding more to his beliefs. “I’m so so sorry Tae. I should of been there for you but I wasn’t. I wish I could change what I did but I know I can’t.”
Taehyung shook his head. “There’s nothing for you apologise for. Even if there was I’ve already forgiven you.”
The world is unfair. Jimin thought. Why would they make someone so kind and caring, so selfless and forgiving, so warm hearted and loving, go through this. Taehyung didn’t deserve to hurt like this. Why wasn’t the world as kind as Taehyung was?
When Jimin got the text in the group chat from Taehyung explaining everything that was happening, his heart dropped. After his chat with Taehyung, Jimin realised that there was actually something going on with Taehyung. He realised it was something bad but he let his pride get in the way of helping his best friend and he regretted it.
“Taehyung. I care about you so so much. You are my best friend and I love you. Please keep fighting, I know you’ll get through this.”