Chapter Text
They managed alright for a good while until one of their tires blew out. Worst of all, there didn't seem to be a spare.
“Damn…” Neal muttered, even rechecking under the hardshell bedcover to find nothing aside from their luggage, save a car jack and a handful of other tools, taunting him the dim glow of a half dead flashlight. He angrily slammed the cover back down, giving one of the good tires a kick which he instant regretted, hitting it the wrong way and stubbing his toe. “Son of a bitch!”
“What?” Del called out as he was getting out of the car.
“There isn’t a spare.” He said with dismay. He leaned against the closed tailgate, closing his eyes for a second to think. The cold air bit at his cheeks and felt sharp in his lungs, a contrast to the car which had a heater like a furnace.
It was getting later, not the dead of night but it might as well be where they were. Any small towns that might be nearby would be practically shut down after 5:30, even when it wasn't a holiday, and it was past six now now thanks to some set backs, including lunch and Del wanting to help someone out. They might be able to hitch a ride to town and deal with this the morning…some way, he wasn’t sure how?
…Christ, he just had to have the stupid car didn’t he? And he had to drag Del into it, who at this rate probably would’ve gotten to Chicago by now on his own. But he had to cling to anything that made him feel anything close to okay, like a monkey with his hand stuck in a trap because he just couldn’t let go of a bright piece of candy.
He opened his eyes, a distinct stillness in the evening air. Snow had started to fall, a cold sterile backdrop to the bone tiredness he felt that wasn’t entirely to do with this whole ordeal but certainly didn’t help. The silence was interrupted by Del’s footsteps, and the subsequent shift of the Camino as he sat next to him. Despite regretting dragging him in this mess Neal felt a pang of gratitude he was there. There was a warm, comforting presence about the man, something he unfortunately was starting to get attached to.
“Hey, uh…you alright? It’s just a little blow out, we’ll be able to fix it up and be on our way no problem.”
At that Neal broke a little, swatting at tears he didn’t know he was holding back, gritting his teeth in some futile attempt to hold them in. When that failed he leaned forward, face in his hands he tried to pull himself together.
“…I’ll take that as a no.” Del said uncomfortably, taking out a Kleenex from the pack in his jacket pocket. “You uh, you’re sorta dripping…”
“Fuck, why do you have to be so god damn nice?” Neal snapped through snot and tears, taking the tissue and blowing his nose. “Was fucking holding it together but you had to come along and…fuck it all up.”
“I don’t know if you really were doing all that good to begin with pal.” Dal said wrapping an arm around his shoulder, which again he was...a little too comforted by it for his liking, but decided not to think too hard about that for the moment.
Neal honest didn’t know whether either of them meant just right now or this entire ordeal when they said that, and the ambiguity struck him as oddly funny and he couldn’t help but laugh.
“I’m just tired. Just feel like I’ve been on…the verge of fucking losing it for a while now.” He said when he'd reached some kind of composure. “Christ I really should have just stayed in New York a week longer or something and avoided all this. You probably would’ve been better off.”
“I don’t know, if you hadn’t I wouldn’t have gotten to spend all this time with your sorry ass.”
Neal laughed bitterly at that, looking up at with his red puffy eyes. “You’re full of it.” He managed it with a kind of fondness.
Del was about to respond but before he could answer a car slowed down, driver peering out at them with concern, and it struck Neal how ridiculous they must look to other people.
“You folks alright?” He asked.
“Hold on, I’ll deal with this. Just stay there and keep looking miserable.” Del said to Neal, squeezing his shoulder before slipping away.
“Seriously?” Neal said, getting a sense of Del’s intentions.
“Just hold on alright?” Del said louder as he walked to the car, briefly turning to Neal and winking. Christ, he was so nice, Neal thought as he fought the urge to smile, how was he able to turn around and shamelessly run a con on someone?
It turned out the man in the car had a spare similar to the El Camino's, which he offered to them for a hundred bucks, but Del managed to negotiate it to fifty bucks and a set of shower curtain rings. Not to mention whatever story Del had told the man. which, despite Neal’s insistence, he wouldn’t tell him.
“Come on, spill it.” Neal said as they piled back into the car, turning on the heater and taking a moment to revel in it.
“If I told you that’d ruin the mystery.” Del said.
“Just tell me if it’s embarrassing at least.” Neal insisted.
“It wasn’t, besides: you’re never going to see him again.”
“I suppose that’s fair, it’s not like I haven’t done worse to myself.” He sighed, staring at the road ahead. Snow still fell, briefly illuminated by the headlights before disappearing, the road ahead cold and empty. “…we probably could make Chicago before midnight if we kept driving.”
Del shrugged a bit, repeating: “We could…but honestly I wouldn’t mind finding a motel and hibernating for the night.”
“I could stand a little hibernating.” Neal agreed with a shrug.
---
Before they holed up for the night though they came across a bar with a great sign atop it promising 'FOOD', and although Neal was doubtful about the place Del insisted.
"Okay, but I'll just have a beer." He insisted peering around the dimly lounge
"Don't tell me you aren't starving." He said.
"I'd rather starve then get food poisoning." Neal countered. "Like I was saying before, I'm a little picky about what I eat."
"Come on, you need to eat, and they have cheeseburgers. I'll get one too and if it makes you sick it'll make me sick too."
Neal cracked up a bit a that. "Weirdly reassuring, fine." He relented.
After that they checked into a nearby motel accidentally getting a room with one king sized bed, but it was freezing out and both of them were in good spirits so neither cared enough to march back to the office to correct it.
They situated themselves on either end of the bed with some 'travel sized' bottles of booze Del had accumulated and a case of chocolate liquors between them Neal brought for his friends in Chicago but now seemed like a more appropriate occasion for it.
"Woo, these have a bit of a kick to them." Del said. "Kinda surprising."
"I always look for the ones with the highest potency and...cheapest price." Neal said with a little wink, siting on the end of the bed closest to the television, which both of them were ignoring as it droned on. Del chuckled.
"I was wondering why they tasted kinda crappy, no offense."
"Hey, everyone would be drunk at the party anyway, they wouldn't notice it was garbage."
“So why are you really headed to Chicago?” Del asked. "You must have a reason, other then 'you just felt like it'."
“I liked Chicago Neal. He made better money, had a better love life, not to mention his hair was actually still brown.”
“I don’t know if you can un-ring that bell…unless you dye it I suppose?”
Neal shook his head in in strong disagreement, sucking a bit of syrup off his thumb. “Tried, could never keep up with it.”
“Well it doesn’t look bad, for what it’s worth. Like a wolf, it goes along with that particular look you get on your face when you get pissed off.”
“I’ve heard that one before.” Neal agreed with amusement. “Not that I mind hearing it again." Especially from you, he couldn't help but think to himself.
“What about uh…Gina or whatever her name is, won’t she be surprised to see you like that?”
“We met last time I was in Chicago a few months ago.” Neal said. “I think that why I’m coming back, not because of her I mean, that’s just a bit of fun, but that visit. It reminded how much better things used to be…but I suppose I shouldn’t go back and expect things to be how they used to be.”
"It's never to late to change, or so I hear." Del replied.
There was an uncomfortable air between them so Neal cleared his throat, picking up the chocolates and gestured with it. “You done?”
“If I have any more I’ll get heart burn.” He said, as Neal closed it carefully, setting it in his open bag, prompting a smile from Del.
“…You’re a bit of a neat freak aren’t you?”
“Like I said, I used to be a stuck up tight ass, still am a bit of one in some ways really. My Ma was a stickler about it and it stuck with me, old habits die hard I guess.” Neal replied sheepishly as he sat back down on the bed.
"I bet the ladies love it." Del said, and Neal smirked."...I get hell sometimes for being a slob."
"I can get weird about it sometimes and that gets old fast." He admitted begrudgingly, sitting next to Del.
"You just can't win I guess." Del said softly with a nervous chuckle, before looking agitatedly away. "I uh..."
"What?" Neal said, worry creasing his face.
"Well, its just..." But Neal didn't let him finish. Perhaps he saw a kind of longing on his face he recognized in himself, and in his tired and slightly drunk state he leaned forward to kiss him because of that. It was uneven and nervous but...god help him...undoubtedly wonderful.
He broke away, studying Del's shocked face with concern. He was about to speak, to apologize or sweep this under the rug, but the bastard drew him back in before he could get it out, kissing long and deeply as if to say I want this, I want you, he big arms wrapping around him sending a thrill though him that both terrified and excited him.
Eventually Del did pulled away though, this time looking little sick, or perhaps overwhelmed, Neal couldn't quite tell which. "Don't know what came over me, I-I really shouldn't..."
His voice was soft and heart breaking, prompting Neal to quickly retreat. "It's alright, it's been a long couple of days."
"I mean, your a handsome guy, but even if I wasn't, you know, married-"
"Really Del, Its alright." Neal with stiff embarrassment.
They each busied themselves with little things after that before finally settling down to sleep. As they lay in the dark Del went through his usual before bed fidgeting, Neal couldn’t help but smile himself, before his face fell in realization.
Shit, he really did have it bad for the bastard didn’t he? He thought in dread as he turned over, facing away from Del.
But really he already knew that, he just didn't like to think about it too hard. Especially not after what just happen.
As he fretted to himself he felt the bed sift and Del slung an arm over him. Neal waited for him to give an explanation.
When he didn't he decided to speak up. "...Del?"
Del answered with a tired grunt into his neck.
"What are you doing?" He asked.
“Keepin' you still…I'm not gonna get any sleep if you keep shifting around like you were.” He said matter of factly, before adding in a more somber tone: "...Been a long couple of days like you said." as if it settled the matter.
And he supposed it did, because Neal let himself go slack, feeling strangely safe. Even if they hadn't admitted it they seem to have formed some kind of unity where they could watch each other’s back, two people adrift that had found some kind of temporary stability.
He’d sometimes felt a little more at ease with men admittedly, as if he felt like he could take it down a notch when he was with them. He enjoyed the feeling of taking care of a woman, being the great provider and protector he felt was expected of him, but sometimes wouldn’t mind someone else taking the reins every once in a while.
Not that he tried to think about that fact too hard, he’d learned to appreciate that sort of thing it for what it was: fleeting beauty. A gal he’d dated once put it like that when she’d broken up with him, that some beautiful things are temporary to force you to appreciate life before it blew away in the morning wind.
He honestly thought that was bullshit, but it helped to pretend he supposed, and more importantly put the subject aside and sleep.
---
They didn’t acknowledge it the next morning. Which was to be expected, but Neal had hoped something would happen aside from the usual forced small talk intermittent with awkwardness until they managed to get back into a place of comfortable ignorance. And they did, and it was nice. So much so the trip ended up ending much sooner then he’d hoped.
“Well good luck, with everything I mean.” Del asked.
“Same to you.” Neal said with a small grin. “…I’d like to say it’s been an ordeal, but you defiantly made it less of one.”
“I’d be inclined to say the same.” Del replied, a heaviness in the air between them.
Neal nodded uncomfortably, clearing his throat before saying, “I’ll see you.” Before striding off.
He managed to get out the door and in the El Camino, hands clenching and unclenching the steering wheel. It would be so easy to just go, he thought. So god damn easy.
He growled in irritation, getting back out of the car, walking back across the parking lot the station, collecting himself before pushing through the doors of the station.
Del was sitting in the one of the station benches, coat off and looking remarkably small for a man of his size. Without a word Neal sat himself next to him, eventually speaking.
“So uh…what happened to her? Your wife I mean.”
Del looked at him with a perplexed expression, and Neal smiled and shrugged helplessly.
“Doesn’t take a genius to figure out something happened.”
Del silently struggled with his words before speaking. “She died about eight years ago.” He said. “Cancer. We caught it late so she didn’t suffer too long, but still...”
“Shit Del that’s uh…worse than I thought.” Neal managed.
“How long have you known?”
“…I figured out it was something pretty early on.” He said, before weakly joking: “Can’t bullshit a bullshitter.”
“But you didn’t say anything.” Del criticized.
Neal tusked helplessly. “I don’t know… I’d like to say I did it out of consideration, but at a certain point it was for me. I could pretend this wasn’t…I don’t know, whatever this is. That you’d just go on with your life and me with mine. Like I said…I’ve never been good with this sort of thing.”
“That’s rather presumptuous of you to say to say this is 'that sort of thing'.” Del said over defensively, looking flustered.
“Look, I don’t know, and I’m not saying how you feel.”
“Well it’s pretty clear how you feel.” Del pointed out and Neal threw up his hands in frustration.
“Okay, yeah maybe it is. You’re an attractive and sweet guy, and I’m only human. But at the end of the day I’d be happy simply being friends. All I’m saying is I don’t want you to spend Thanksgiving alone and I don’t want to spend it without you.”
He took a moment to simmer down, before speaking again. “…That bright red ticket magnet of mine is out there in the parking lot, and we can get back in it and go anywhere you want in the city. Maybe even go to that party if you want. I'm sure my buddies wont mind."
Neal sighed, begrudgingly adding: “…Or you can tell me to fuck off. The choice is yours.”
“No!” Del objected quickly. “I mean…that sounds nice. The other stuff that didn’t involve me telling you to fuck off.”
Neal laughed in relief, “Scared me there for a second.”
“You’re gonna have to try harder than that to get rid of me.” Del reassured him jokingly. "And as far as that other thing is concerned, I'm not saying i couldn't, or that I don't get how you feel...i just need a little time alright?"
"Like said, it's fine." Neal said, though smiled to himself a little at that.
They didn’t get up right away, and as they sat in silence in the empty train station Del put an arm around Neal and Neal leaned against him, sighing tiredly.
“Happy Thanksgiving Del.” He said.
“Happy Thanksgiving to you too Neal.” Del answered.