Chapter Text
The book felt heavy in his lap. There was so much to write down, Caleb could barely contain himself. Following the shipwreck adventure, fighting and almost dying in the layer of a hag, and a monumental favor he had gained. He looked down at his palm, the faint line in the center of it reminding him of his blood pact with Fjord. He wasn’t expecting it when they went down there, if anything he was hoping to wrap up their decent into piracy, but things changed. An alarming amount of excitement was thrumming through his veins. They were allies for sure, that went without saying. Traveling with the Nein as a group brought them all closer and it made him realize that he cared for each person. This pact, this favor Fjord owed him was different. It was the first step in solidifying his allies for his goals. In the far corners of his mind however, guilt was starting to seep into his excitement. Fjord is impulsive, and his ambition for power was becoming ever more apparent to Caleb. He took advantage of that, and let Fjord make decisions from there. It wasn’t his best moment, but he pushed the nagging feelings out. He couldn’t gauge how much time had passed since he began writing so Caleb headed up to the deck. The door had barely cracked open when he was met face to face with an annoyed Beau.
“What the hell were you two doing down there?” He was not in any mood for an interrogation.
“I’ve been up all night, can this wait?”
“No, it can’t. Jester seemed pretty freaked and she told me about it. You’re lucky it’s me in here rather than Nott.”
Caleb sat back down at the desk. “Having her check on me would be worse because?”
“She’d probably let this shit slide and you’d think it be ok to do it again.” She wasn’t pulling any punches. Beau was more than annoyed, she was pissed.
“Ok, I understand you’re frustrated but you are blowing this out of proportion Beauregard. We had a mutual curiosity about the table and we checked it out.”
“So the part about slicing your hands and dropping a fuck-ton of blood on it, is blowing it out of proportion? Or asking Fjord to return the favor someday? Dude, he has no clue what you’re talking about. I do and that’s shitty you brought him into it like that.” He looked away. He couldn’t argue with her, because she was right. Trying to spin in it so he wasn’t in such an awful light was all he could do. He mulled over what to say.
“I’m not proud of how everything transpired…I got ahead of myself. There’s just so much out here that I can learn and Fjord was also interested in figuring out the mystery of that pedestal, not that I’m blaming him…we followed our ambition and it wasn’t the best idea.”
“I get that. I’m just a little more ticked at you because I know what you’re after. Reality bending magic? Fjord is sort of in the middle of either unlocking that or changing his mind altogether. It looks and sounds like you’re using him Caleb. I’m not a Fjord expert, but if he doesn’t know your real intentions he’s not gonna question you.” Beau leaned against the wall. “We check each other to, you know, not be dicks. I’m extending that over to you because none of what happened down there is ok…to me anyway. I don’t run your life man, but if you’re gonna drag Fjord into stuff you could at least be honest.”
Caleb rolled his eyes. He didn’t like his flaws being thrown back in his face, he did that enough on his own. The thrill of events was wearing off much quicker than he would’ve liked. Thank goodness he had already got his journaling done, because he was exhausted now. He heard Beau sigh.
“Caleb, you and I are friends. I just don’t want you to get so caught up in your own problems or whatever else that you forget people care about you and would help you out without manipulating them. We’re all here for each other…remember that alright?” She gave him an understanding look and walked out of the room. After closing the door slowly, he collapsed on the small bed. He tried to sleep but nightmares jolted him awake each time he drifted off.
Pure exhaustion finally allowed Caleb to rest, it was all of two hours but it was better than nothing. He didn’t fancy staying in his cabin all day with his mind harassing him. The usual self-loathing was in full effect along with anxiety making him question if any other members of the team were going to confront him. Dealing with Beau was one thing, but having Jester worry or god forbid Nott actually chastising him for what happened was not something he was prepared for. The deck was alive given that it was midday, and he could feel stares from all sides as he made his way to the rail. He’d love to have Frumpkin to pet, but an octopus was not entirely comforting at the moment (and it would draw even more attention his way). He trained his eyes to the horizon, trying to find peace in the ocean but approaching footsteps broke his concentration.
“That underwater stuff really wore you out huh?” A smooth drawl told him exactly who was behind him.
“More or less. So Fjord, did Beau read you the riot act as well?” He turned back to see Fjord nodding vigorously.
“She can be fucking terrifying when she wants to be. I suppose it’s all due to concern about our wellbeing, but still scary.” He sounded quite jovial despite his talk with Beau. He really wasn’t questioning anything Caleb had said to him in the underwater cavern.
“Has Jester spoken to you yet? She and Beau had a discussion about our actions.”
Fjord went quiet. A brief shake no was his response.
“She’s been trying to and I don’t want to talk about it because she’s going to worry about me. I understand why she would but…I don’t want her to feel like she needs to worry about me. Between her and Beau, I’m feeling a little bit smothered.” He shook his head. “No…that’s not being fair. They can worry about me and it’s nice to know that someone is.”
“Do you think what we did down there was wrong?” He asked flat-out. That got him a wide eyed stare.
“No? It wasn’t fucking smart by any means…but I don’t regret that and I meant what I said.”
“What part wasn’t smart? The sacrifice table or the pact?”
“Obviously, the table thing. I got carried away and once again I dragged you into something I wanted to satisfy my own curiosity. I figured if you were going to put a lot on the line in that moment, the least I could do would be to do the same someday. The timing of all of it though…not the best. From anybody else’s perspective that would look pretty creepy.”
Caleb wasn’t expecting any insight on the situation from anyone, especially Fjord and it was not making him feel better in the slightest. Him admitting that his desire to figure out the ritual got out of hand, made his stomach drop. The places where he and Fjord differed became glaringly obvious in that moment. Fjord’s manipulation on him, it came from a simpler place. One not tied into past wrongdoings or a very elaborate revenge plot. It was self-discovery. Fjord was new to power and he was testing his limits. While he may not be entirely clear what Fjord could want to do with this…it seemed wrong to try to align Fjord’s intentions with his own. Encouraging Fjord down this path was irresponsible.
“Hey Cay?” Fjord noticed how still he had gone. How long had he zoned out?
“Ja? I’m fine I just was thinking you shouldn’t carry all of the blame in this. We both got carried away.”
“Does that mean you’re nullifying the favor? Because you don’t have to. Always means always. Shitty behavior on all sides aside, I owe you one.” The conflicting emotions gave way to increase in anxiety. His hands gripped the railing tightly.
“Do you even know what you’re signing up for? Do you have the faintest idea?” It sounded loud in his head, but his lips were barely moving. This was a terrible idea to bring anybody into his mess. He was better off alone.
Fjord just kept sending worried glances in his direction. Caleb was frozen in place, but Fjord was free to move whenever. Caleb just couldn’t understand why he didn’t leave.
“We’ve must have said this hundreds of times about all kinds of situations but…we’ll make it work ok? You don’t have to tell me all the details about it now. I get that it’s not easy to say anything about your situation but I trust you…and if you don’t think you can trust yourself for whatever reason, we’re all behind you to help.”
Caleb dragged his hands down his face. Fjord was only going to see the best in him, or at the very least a person who would be on his side in questionable situations. There was a surefire way that could change that arrangement, but given his current mental state that whole story was not getting told today. He gave a half-smile to Fjord and scurried back below deck before he had a full-blown panic attack. He tried to ignore the concern on Fjord’s face as he left.
Caleb doesn’t remember falling asleep but the subtle sound of the door opening and shutting startles him awake. A pair of familiar yellow eyes peering at him from the foot of his bed made him relax. He hadn’t seen Nott all day, but he figured she had gotten worried at his absence from the rest of the group.
“So you’ve been down here all day? I brought food if you want any.” She waved what looked like small wafers in his face. He couldn’t help but smile at her fondly.
“I’m fine. I wasn’t in here all day…I was on the deck for maybe a half hour or so.”
“Yup, you were talking with Fjord, but then you ran off. Do I need to kill him yet? I mean he’s on my hit list because of the whole underwater shit.” He was mildly concerned that she wasn’t joking but he shook his head.
“Were you talking about the whole blood pact thing? I was hanging out with Jess when she told everything to Beau. I figured she yelled at you or whatever and you and Fjord got into an argument…but I don’t know the details.” Nott scooched closer to him on the bed. Her legs kicked back and forth.
“For one, Beau didn’t yell at me. The conversation wasn’t pleasant, but she had a point to get across and she did. I went to see if Fjord had a similar experience and to gauge his feelings regarding what happened. I…got overwhelmed and came down here.” He kept a lot of it vague, but he could feel her curiosity burning in her.
“Soooooo…there’s a lot of blanks in there. I got most of the scenario from the girls, but I want to hear it from you. That stuff piling up in your head isn’t doing any good sitting there Caleb.”
“What is there to hear?” He stood up and started to pace. Anxiety was beginning to flutter in once more. “Fjord and I agreed what we did was stupid at the time and despite that he meant the fact he owed me a favor. If he doesn’t see the need to question anything, then I don’t see the need to worry about it.”
“You don’t believe that. You’re doing that thing…uh minimalizing?”
He shrugged. “It’s not the first time that’s happened Nott.”
“Maybe, but it’s the first time you’ve let it bother you.” He didn’t want to turn back to look at Nott. Those large eyes of hers could read him easily.
“So why is it bothering you? I don’t like making assumptions about stuff you could be feeling…I’d rather you tell me.” She made no movement, Nott sat there waiting for him to say anything.
Did he have all of his thoughts together to even answer? She probably would take any answer, even if it was silence…but he owed Nott some explanation. The amount of concern he’d gotten from the others in the last few days was foreign. When it was from Nott, it felt familiar and he didn’t want to deflect her questions…he didn’t want to change in her eyes. At the end of all of this, it would still be them against the world.
“I never considered it before Beau brought it to my attention…that I could be taking advantage of Fjord. He doesn’t see it that way because he is too trusting of me. He has no reason to suspect anything since I haven’t told him about…my academy days.” His hands tangled in his hair briefly. “Even if he goaded me into using my blood in the ritual, that ended there. I brought up returning the favor, and I was happy about it.”
Nott hummed in thought from the bed. “Are you just worried about how this makes you look…or if this is how you actually are? Like if you’re a bad person because you thought about Fjord’s feelings and didn’t care?”
She really was a great detective. He came and sank back on the bed. Nott hovered over his face and patted his cheek a few times. “Caleb…you’re not a bad person. All of this is very complex and if you were expecting any of it to be simple, I don’t know what to tell you.” She pulled him up so he was sitting upright. “This reminds me when we fought the Iron Shepards and I asked why we were going to rescue Yasha, Jester, and Fjord. You said it was because you needed them. You didn’t want to admit that they’re our friends and you cared about them. Well now you’ve got someone you can use and you feel bad. You know you care Caleb, and there’s nothing wrong with that. If you were truly irredeemable, do you honestly think it would be bothering you…even if no one told you it was wrong?”
Silence stretched on for a few minutes. He considered what she said, and logically it made sense. Logic wasn’t what Caleb was struggling with.
“No, I suppose it wouldn’t.” When Nott didn’t look entirely convinced, she changed her line of questioning.
“What are you going to do about it then?”
“The only thing I considered was telling the group about my past. Not know, eventually but picking when it is going to happen is difficult.”
“Obviously you’re worried what everyone is going to think about this, but what do you think is the worst thing that can happen…within reason.” Knowing Caleb, a plethora of irrational ideas could come spilling out.
“The worst thing? I keep going between everyone looking at me as some kind of evil bastard or…them trying to stop me from achieving my goal. All I can ask for is that they understand.”
“I can’t tell you how everyone is going to react, but so far Beau has been pretty understanding. A little weary about all of it, but she’s not trying to stop you…per say. If anything she’s trying super hard so no one sees you as evil or shady.”
“Because she confronted me?”
“If she wasn’t so blunt it might’ve come across differently, but Beau is Beau and whether your brain will let you believe it or not, she cares. She cares enough to tell you the moment you do something dumb to knock it off.” He threw his arm around her shoulder, almost knocking her over by accident.
“She did say we are friends…Jester says we’re friends. Yasha does not voice her opinion too often but still she comes back to our little group…even after what happened with Mollymauk. Caduceus can see through so much in a person…he told me the world is shaping me into something important. And while we aren’t always the best influence on each other, Fjord has learned to see the best in me and I don’t want him to be disappointed. I don’t want any of the Nein to be disappointed in me.”
Nott chuckled, “All of us be disappointed in the coolest person in a crew? No way.” He laughed along with her. He thought of a self-depreciating quip, but decided to leave it unsaid. Nott was trying her hardest to lift his spirits while he dealt with his issues, it didn’t seem fair to her to openly berate himself in that moment.
“You most definitely are my greatest friend though. You are brilliant Nott and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.” She gave him shy smile. She wrapped thin arms around his waist to hug him as tightly as she possibly could. He rested his hand against her head. Caleb wished that his thoughts would absorb everything he heard. To actually believe without a doubt he wasn’t the callous, manipulative person he was taught to be. Either they all were really great actors, or they were all genuine. Instead of pondering on any thought, he took whatever food Nott had brought him and made just made a short addendum to his writings.
“You have friends here Widogast.”