Chapter Text
Luke isn't sure where or when or how to talk to Michael.
He knows he has to, not only because he promised his younger self that he would, but also because he can feel it all again. He feels all the anger and frustration that he's felt so many times before. All those times he and Michael got into heated arguments, all because they were furious that the universe threw them together. They were usually drunk during those arguments, because they'd always say things to each other that they'd never say sober. It's happened before, so many times, but this time is different.
Luke promised himself, his younger self that he would let Michael know that he loves him. Still loves him. Luke thinks that maybe Michael already knows, that he's known all along, and chooses to ignore it. But then Luke would be a hypocrite, because he's done the exact same thing. Ignore it. Shove it away. Bury himself in other people to try to convince himself that he doesn't love Michael, not anymore. But he can't do it any longer, he's done. He needs Michael to know.
He needs Michael to remember.
(He sure hopes Michael hasn't forgotten).
They're on the tour bus on the way to the next city. It's going to be another day, another day full of routine greeting fans, rehearsal, soundcheck, performing. But Luke is determined to not go out that night no matter how much Ashton insists, and he's not going to get drunk and tell Michael that he loves him, because Luke loves Michael even when his blood isn't full of liquor.
He loves Michael every time his heart beats.
Maybe it's all been a plan. To get him drunk so he can forget. Forget the anger, forget the arguments. Forget the pain, forget the love.
Forget Michael.
But Luke doesn't know who would plan such a thing, and if someone did, he thinks they're pretty stupid, because there's no way he can ever forget Michael. No amount of alcohol or sex can change that. Nothing can change that.
Luke can't help but wonder why all of a sudden these memories are coming back to him. Not the arguments, he usually forgets them the second he wakes up the morning after, while only remembering the smallest, most painful details. He's remembering the times where he made Michael promise him that nothing would change between them, that they wouldn't let fame get to their heads or make them forget how much they love each other...
He's remembering it all. And maybe the memories have always been there, but it's so strange that they're coming back to him now. They're not false memories, they definitely happened...
Visions of him and Michael laying on his living room couch, limbs intertwined, burn in his mind. It's almost like he can hear every word. They've promised each other so many times, they won't let fame get to them. They'll never forget that they love each other. They'll never forget how they make each other feel. Michael would flick Luke in between the eyes whenever he'd use past tense. Michael would always tell him not to be stupid because there's no way he would ever forget. Michael would cradle Luke in his arms whenever Luke broke down because things were getting more and more difficult. And Michael was the one to reassure him that he loves him, will always love him, and fame and fortune would never change that.
Luke wonders when it all went wrong.
Maybe he can't remember where things went sour because he doesn't want to remember. Maybe it happened over time, maybe the flame fizzled out so slowly that Luke never noticed it. Maybe Luke was too tired from keeping aflame a love that could never last to begin with. Maybe his heart needed to rest.
Whatever the case, his heart is still burning, the match is still lit. The fire may be weak, but Luke's final resolve is to reignite it.
It's there. It's always been there, and it always will be.
That's all that matters then, right?
-
As Luke predicted earlier that day, Ashton tries to get him to go out clubbing after the show.
"You just seem a bit rigid is all," says Ashton. "Figured you could use a bit lightening up."
Luke shakes his head. "No, Ashton. I just wanna stay in tonight."
There's silence between them. Though Luke expected this, he's still confused. Ashton isn't one to force someone into doing something they didn't want to do, and Ashton isn't one to be persistent after finding out someone really doesn't want to do whatever that something is. But Ashton isn't leaving, he isn't saying 'okay, suit yourself' and walking out the door. It's unlike him, and Luke notices that.
"Come on," Ashton persists. "It'll be fun. I can tell you're a bit stressed—"
"Which is precisely why I'd like some time to myself," Luke cuts him off quickly. He's easily getting fed up with Ashton, and he's starting to think that Ashton is that person whose plan is to make him forget.
He really doesn't want to believe it. There's no way Ashton would plan something like that.
"Luke," Ashton says, "what's going on?"
"What do you mean?" Luke's not dumb, though he's trying to play it. But that's the thing, Ashton isn't dumb either; in fact, Ashton knows all his band members better than he knows himself. Ashton knows whenever one of his friends is down in the dumps or just a little bit off-center. And that's the icing on the cake; Ashton is persistent until he finds out whatever is bothering his friends.
Luke thinks he can do it differently than getting him drunk, though.
"I think we both know what I mean," Ashton says. "You've been acting really weird today. You're obviously stressed, you're getting distracted and staring off into space more than you usually do, and something tells me that something happened yesterday or last night that's causing you to be like this. So, what's the deal?"
Luke can't tell him the truth. He can't tell Luke that he mysteriously woke up in his bedroom in Sydney and had an eye-opening conversation with his younger self that may or may not have shaped his entire life up until now. Ashton would surely have him sent in for a psych evaluation, not because he wants to, he just really cares about his friends.
He can't tell the whole truth, but he can tell a half-truth. "A fan asked me a question yesterday that bugged me the whole day yesterday and today," Luke says. "She asked me what my younger self would think about me if he saw me today."
Ashton raises an eyebrow. "And? I think he'd be pretty proud of you."
Luke shakes his head. "If he knew everything I've done up until now, I think he'd be pretty disappointed in me."
Ashton sighs and takes a seat next to Luke on the bed. He puts an arm around Luke's shoulders. "Maybe. But that's okay, y'know? We all do things that people are proud of us for, and in contrast we do things that people are disappointed in us for. It's normal."
The way younger Luke's eyes pooled with tears flashes in Luke's mind. Yes, Ashton is right. Young Luke was so proud that they beat out two of the world's most famous artists for number one. But he could tell by the way he reacted, that young Luke was disappointed that he let Michael go.
He's not going to let go again. He's going to keep his promise to his younger self, he's not going to get drunk tonight, and he's going to tell Michael that he loves him, has always loved him, and always will.
"He'd be proud of me, yeah. But... I've done more things to be disappointed in. And I think he'd probably hate me for the things I've done."
No, that's not right. Younger Luke didn't hate him. Young Luke wanted him to bring Michael back, for him to tell Michael that he loves him. Young Luke didn't hate him, but he sure would if he broke his promise.
And Luke isn't about to break a promise he made to himself from six years ago.
"I like to think I know myself," Luke says. "A lot of times, I don't think I do. But my younger self, he'd look at me a say, 'what about the people you held dearest to you? What did you do about them?' And if he found out what I did, he'd hate me."
Ashton's eyes widen. "Luke, you're not talking about... you can't be serious."
As expected from Ashton, the wise mind of the group. The first one to figure things out.
He sighs. "Luke, you can't keep doing this. You know you can't keep thinking about him like that. It's time to move on."
Luke wants to explode because no, it's not time to move on, it's never time to move on because he can't, he never has, and he never will. He wants to scream, he wants to yell at Ashton and tell him everything, how wrong he is. But Luke also knows that what Ashton's saying has truth to it. Loving Michael is hard. It's taken an obvious toll on him, and Ashton doesn't want that for any of his friends. And since two of them are wrapped up in the whole situation, he knows that it has to stop.
Still, Luke shakes his head. "Getting me drunk isn't a solution. It's not going to make me forget," he mutters bitterly.
Ashton sighs again. He's not frustrated, he just hurts for his friend. "Luke, I didn't mean it like—"
"Getting me drunk is what makes it worse," Luke says, a bit louder. "Every time me and him fight, one or both of us is drunk. It's almost like any time we actually talk to each other, we're intoxicated. Oddly enough, whenever we have the guts to tell each other that we love each other, we're drunk." He laughs, a cruel undertone in his voice. "It's fucking sad, Ashton. We're reduced to talking to each other only when we're drunk. But guess what? I still love him, no matter how drunk or sober I am. I can't even remember the last time I told him I love him sober."
His heart is racing. Ashton is staring at him with wide eyes, clearly taken aback. Words are falling out of his mouth like a waterfall, but he can't stop it.
"We small talk here and there while we're working, sure, but any communication we have is either fighting or drunken conversations that I don't remember. All I can remember is that maybe we tell one another that we love each other during those conversations. But no matter what happens when we're drunk, we always just go back to avoiding each other like nothing happened. But Ashton, it did happen. We happened. I know you said it's time to move on, but I can't, Ashton. You know that."
His heart is heavy and he feels tears brimming in his eyes. Ashton's arm tightens around him as his body shakes with a sob. "You know me better than anyone, Ash. Maybe even Michael. And you know how much I loved him. How much I still love him."
He can't bring himself to look at Ashton. He's expecting Ashton to tell him how stupid he is, that he should really just move on from Michael and quit being so heartbroken, because Ashton knows just as well as him that they can't be together without ruining the band.
Yet Ashton's response surprises him.
"Then why don't you do something?"
Luke glances up at his bandmate. "What?"
"I said, if you love him so much, if you want to tell him you love him so much while you're sober, then why haven't you?"
Luke's heart cracks inside his chest. Why hasn't he?
"Look," Ashton continues, "I know how much you love him. I do. I also know how bad it is for the band if you two are together. But I also know that sometimes the solution isn't to move on, especially from someone that you're pretty sure you'll love forever."
Luke is shaking harder.
"I know you well, Luke. I just don't know exactly what's stopping you from loving him."
Ashton is right, and Luke doesn't know either. It could be a lot of things, fear of the band breaking up, fear of people finding out. He just can't put his finger on what it really is. The reason why he's so reluctant to tell Michael that he loves him.
Or rather, tell himself.
"Now I know why you want to stay in tonight," Ashton says wholeheartedly. He stands up. "Luke, if you're really going to do this, you have to be prepared for the worst. I know all of you pretty well, but Michael... I have no idea how he'll react."
Luke nods, wiping a few tears from his eyes. Ashton smiles warmly at him and heads towards the door.
"Good luck, my friend." He walks out the hotel room, closing the door gently behind him.
-
Luke's heart is going to burst, as is the rest of his body. His body is going to fall like a skyscraper during an earthquake, and that earthquake's name is Michael Clifford.
He's standing outside Michael's hotel room door, his hands held tightly against his chest. Ashton told him to prepare himself, but there wasn't enough time. Luke had to get out of his room and run straight to Michael's.
But he's here now, and suddenly he's not so sure. He's not sure if he can do this, though he really wants to. He needs to. He doesn't want to prepare for the worst because the worst can't happen. If it does... Luke doesn't know what he would do. He doesn't want to think about it. All he wants is to knock on the door and have Michael answer it. He wants to see Michael's face in a place that isn't a radio station or a performance venue.
He's knocking. There's a short pause. No one answers, and Luke is about to knock again when the door opens.
Michael stands in the doorway, dressed in a (really cute) sweater and some sweatpants, and Luke nearly collapses.
"What's up?" Michael asks casually.
"Um," Luke says, "just wanted to talk to you about something."
Michael blinks unknowingly, but doesn't ask anything further. He steps aside, allowing Luke to enter. When Luke walks in, he's smacked in the face with Michael's scent. It's something he hasn't smelt in a really long time, not this much. He's only really smelt it in passing, but now it's taking him back to when they'd cuddle nearly every day several years ago, when things were okay.
Luke wants things to be okay again.
"So what is it you want to talk about?" Michael asks as he closes the door. He walks past Luke towards the bed and stares out the glass doors leading out to a terrace.
Luke thinks he might have a heart attack. His chest hurts so much that maybe this isn't such a good idea after all. He's breathing really hard and he hopes Michael doesn't notice. Michael isn't looking at him.
"I just, um..." Luke wants to slap himself in the face.
Michael turns around and looks at Luke, but Luke can't meet his eyes. He's blinking rapidly, trying to find the words, but nothing's coming to him. He wants it to make sense, he wants Michael to understand him, but with the way his heart and his brain are on overdrive, he's not sure anything he says will make sense.
"Michael, if your younger self saw you today, what would he think?"
Michael continues to stare blankly at him. Luke wants to die. He wants to throw himself off the balcony and onto the streets. Maybe he'll find peace there.
Michael shrugs. "How young are we talking?"
Luke finally looks at him. "I dunno, sixteen, seventeen. Like when we first started out as a band."
Michael thinks for a second, his eyebrows knitting together. "He'd probably think our music is fucking sick. And that our fashion sense is pretty different, like, he'd never wear that stuff, but hey, it's all hypothetical."
Luke wants to laugh because that's such a Michael answer, but he's not smiling, he can't, because it's not all that hypothetical.
"Why do you ask?" Michael's still looking at him, but he can't read his expression. It's almost like he's a stranger. Luke used to always be able to tell Michael's feelings, but now he's looking at a blank canvas, one that he's never seen before. His heart hurts.
"A fan asked that question to me yesterday," Luke explains. "It's just been on my mind a lot. I asked Ashton the same thing."
Michael scoffs. "Is that why you've been so dodgy lately?"
"What?" Luke says meekly.
"Is that why you're so bothered lately? Because of a fan question?"
There's bitterness in his voice. Luke doesn't know where it's coming from. There's no way Michael would know about his intentions, coming to his room and asking him that question and ultimately professing his eternal love for him. But Michael isn't this bitter. He knows it. Luke knows it because he'd react the same way.
It's bitter denial.
"Yeah," Luke says. "It's really gotten me thinking a lot."
Michael turns back to the glass windows. "Oh yeah?"
"Yeah," Luke says more confidently. "It made me think about a lot of the shit I've done."
There's a pause. Silence. Luke can't tell what Michael's thinking because he can't see his face. Michael doesn't want him to see it, perhaps.
So Luke keeps going. "I think my younger self would think I'm a shit person."
Michael still doesn't look back. "Why do you think that?"
It's almost as if Luke can see his sixteen-year-old self every time he blinks. He's standing there in a void of blackness, wearing that dorky blue striped hoodie, his hair slanted over in a fringe, and he's smiling. It's a light smile, an encouraging one.
"I broke a promise to him."
When Michael still doesn't turn around, Luke says, "I broke a promise I made him a long time ago because I failed someone. Someone I love."
It's out. The words are out. And Luke knows it'll only go downhill from there. Michael's head turns over his shoulder, but his eyes stay fixed on the adjacent wall. Luke still can't read his face. "What are you talking about?" he grits.
"I made a promise to myself when I was younger," Luke says. It's all starting to make sense. It's like a firework goes off in Luke's brain. It's bright, it's sudden, and Luke can feel it all. "I promised myself that I'd let this person know that I love them, no matter what." His younger self waves in his vision. "And I promised I wouldn't let them forget."
Michael turns around.
Though his expression is still unreadable, he's looking back at Luke again with those familiar green eyes that he fell in love with when he was sixteen. Luke nearly loses his breath because those eyes seem to flash brighter, and then Michael has black hair. And an eyebrow piercing. But it's gone before Luke can register it.
"What are you saying, Luke?" Michael asks flatly.
Luke can feel every single part of the weather in his body. His heart is on fire, but he's so cold. Hail is pounding on his bones and thunder strikes at his brain. It's hard to breathe. His next words could make or break him. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. His sixteen-year-old self is smiling at him with a black-haired boy in his arms.
"I'm not going to let you forget, Michael," Luke says finally.
Michael's face falls. Luke can't tell if it's because of anger or sadness or what, but his expression is now somewhat readable. It's one of pain, definitely, but there's something else. Michael seems to be at a loss for words, but Luke sure as hell isn't.
"I'm not going to let you forget like I did," Luke continues. His heart drops because he's here now, he's face-to-face with the one person he's sure he'll love forever. There's one thing standing in between them, and that one thing is himself. It all makes sense. He just can't believe it took a conversation with himself from 2012, the year he started falling in love, to realize everything he's been furiously denying for years.
He can't see his younger self anymore. He's on his own.
"Maybe it's best if you do forget, Luke," Michael mutters.
No. Luke knows that's not true. Michael is doing exactly what he's been doing all along. It's not true because it's not best if he forgets. He can't forget. And even if he did, Luke is sure it would come back to haunt him, it would eat away at him from the inside out, and he'd never be able to live with himself. No, he'll never forget how hard he fell in love with his best friend, nor has he once forgotten, despite trying so hard to do so.
"I don't want to," Luke says. "I don't want to because I can't, no matter how much I try to poison my brain with alcohol."
Michael bites his lip and looks down at the floor, but Luke is nowhere near done.
"Remember that night on New Years? When you promised me you wouldn't let fame change us?"
Michael nods.
"I'm the one who made you promise that, yet I couldn't even hold up that same promise that I made to myself. You told me that you'd never stop loving me. You told me you'd never forget. And I'm the one who's tried to forget it all, because maybe I couldn't come to terms with it. I couldn't juggle love and the band at the same time, because I was afraid it would wreck everything we've worked so hard to make. I was so fucking selfish for trying to forget you, Michael. I didn't even realize I was doing it. I told myself all the time that I didn't love you, but no matter how hard I tried to deny it or push it away, it always came back because it's you, Michael. It's you, it always has been, and it always will be."
Luke is bold and takes a step closer to Michael. He's relieved when Michael doesn't step back. Michael looks back at him with bewildered eyes, his lips trembling. Luke comes closer and closer, and Michael doesn't move an inch.
They're literally face-to-face now.
"You're wrong, Luke."
Luke can't believe what he's heard. He can feel his heart drop to the floor. What has he been doing? Has it all been pointless? Worrying and thinking so much to the point of exhaustion, to the point of his body feeling like it's caving in? Was it all—
"You're wrong, because you're not the only one who was trying to forget."
Luke's heart starts to rise. "What?" he whimpers.
Michael lets out a deep breath. "You think I haven't tried? Luke, we're two sides of the same coin. You think you're the only one who tried to forget? Hell, Luke, I tried all the time! Do you know how many times I slept with her just to try to convince myself I loved her and not you?"
Luke steps back, not because he's angry or anything, but because he can feel Michael's hot breath on him and he thinks he might actually faint if he's that close to him right now.
Michael looks at him, his green eyes burning brighter than Luke has ever seen. "Of course I remember that promise I made to you. I remember everything. I remember the times we cuddled, all the times we kissed and fucked and told each other how much we loved each other, even when we were drunk out of our minds. Trust me, Luke, I was terrified, and I still am. But even though I was terrified and frustrated and was so fed up with everything that I wanted to give up, it always came back to you."
Luke feels like he's been punched in the throat. There are fresh tears flowing down Michael's face now, his green eyes surrounded by red. "We promised each other that we wouldn't forget. We promised each other that we'd always love each other. Like I said, Luke, we're two sides of the same coin, both when we love each other or try so hard to forget each other. We're stupid idiots who can't confront the real problem, the real problem being that we can't forget, that we can't stop loving each other even if we tried."
Luke finds himself stepping forward again, this time, to cup Michael's face in both his hands and wipe away his lover's tears. Michael holds Luke's wrists, anchoring his hands on his face. He doesn't want Luke to let go, not again. Luke swipes at every tear that falls, and he can feel himself tearing up too.
"Luke, I never stopped loving you, no matter how hard I tried to. I was a coward. I was so afraid to face the truth, that I love you so goddamn much. I'll love you til the fucking end of time, even if the band is in ruins and there's nothing left, I'm telling you, I will love you forever."
Luke wants to smile. His own tears have started to fall, and Michael's grip has tightened on his wrists significantly. "We're such idiots," Luke breathes as he presses his forehead to Michael's.
Michael nods. "Yeah, we are."
Luke's heart rises, and he closes the gap between them, pressing his lips firmly against Michael's. Michael doesn't even hesitate, his lips immediately moving against Luke's, and for once, neither of them taste like whiskey. Luke's heart is afire, his bones are blooming flowers, and his lungs can only breathe in Michael, the one thing he really can't live without. His hands move to the back of Michael's neck as he deepens the kiss, not wanting to let go.
But he pulls away first, and he says, "It's you." He breathes it over and over until it's etched in Michael's lips and skin. "It's you, it always has been, and it always will be."
Luke doesn't recall when they had sunken to the floor and cried each others' arms. He doesn't recall he ends up sitting cross-legged with Michael's head resting on his thigh, his hand gently caressing his hair.
"What now?" Michael asks.
Luke doesn't know. He can never be sure, what with all the fame and publicity and alcohol and sex.
He shrugs. "We don't forget. And we don't try to."
Michael sighs contently and buries his head in the crook of Luke's thigh.
But the truth is, he hasn't forgotten. He remembers everything. He thinks he's always remembered, ever since the day he promised himself that he wouldn't let either of them forget.