Chapter Text
Phil watched as Dan followed the children upstairs. Dan, he decided, had a very cute butt. There wasn’t much to it, but it was certainly nice, and it wiggled adorably as he walked up the stairs. His shoulders shifted as his arms moved, his entire body looking delicate but powerful. This was attractive to look at, yes, but Phil couldn’t help but see Dan’s form as a metaphor for who he was as a person. Here was a man who nurtured and cared for people, and was strong enough to do it well. His body as it moved seemed to reflect all these aspects of him.
Phil smiled to himself, barely perceptibly, as Olivia rifled through the fridge to retrieve her own meal. When she tried to squeeze past him, he returned to reality, muttered the obligatory apology, and took his food out of the microwave to make room for hers. She smiled as she put her food on the microwave turntable, and Phil gave her a quick kiss as she closed the little door. She didn’t stop smiling though -- her lips remained taut, even as she leaned into him slightly.
She didn’t kiss back.
Phil frowned. She was probably just stressed and exhausted. It wasn’t as though they were incredibly affectionate these days; these little kisses weren’t the automatic habit they once were. But the leaning she did… Phil let himself be briefly concerned about how deliberate her actions seemed before he began eating his now slightly cooled leftovers. Dan’s cooking, even reheated and already getting cold again, was delicious. He’d gotten steadily better over the course of his time working for the Lesters, and Phil couldn’t help but smile upon tasting it.
“Good?” Olivia asked.
“Yeah, very good. I’m going to miss Dan’s cooking.”
“Miss it?”
“Yeah,” Phil explained, his tone somewhat regretful of course. “I’m done with the documentary edit, so I went ahead and let Dan go. His last day is the 31st.”
“Oh,” Olivia said, her eyebrows raised. “I’ll be sad to see him go.”
She hadn’t kissed him back.
“Will you?” Phil asked unthinkingly.
“Hm?”
Phil paused to look at his wife, who looked quite distant somehow. She didn’t look any different than she usually did, but her usual appearance had somehow been reframed entirely. He wasn’t sure it wasn’t his imagination. Her eyes looked further away, her color was all desaturated. He noticed more sinister shadows on her face where she’d seemed like a perfectly beautiful doll before. And yet she didn’t actually look different. The same facial expressions, the same hair, the same eyes. Just… less her.
Phil found himself a bit confused and distressed, but not definitively so. He put his plate and fork down on the counter. He looked at her, then down at his hands that were leaning against the edge of the counter, and then back up at her again.
“I like him, Olivia,” he confessed. It was more like a taunt, really; Phil daring Olivia to admit that she perhaps didn't love Phil or the kids enough to feel threatened by Dan. He rather needed her to. For science, perhaps.
Olivia looked at him, her expression blank and unreadable. “I know,” she said very neutrally. “I can tell. But I don’t blame you. He’s very attractive, after all, and I know I’m not here often so naturally you’ve been a bit lonely. Of course there’s going to be temptation. But I also know you’re a good man and you wouldn’t cheat. I trust you. So to answer your question: yes, of course I’ll be sad to see him go. The kids love him, the house is the tidiest it’s ever been, and his cooking is definitely good.”
The microwave beeped.
Phil’s brow furrowed. He hadn't expected that response, which superficially made it seem as though Olivia loved him too much to be jealous. But… Phil never ever felt that love from her anymore. The whole exchange wasn't sitting right with him. It seemed somehow entirely incongruous with reality. “You trust me?”
“Yes.” Olivia retrieved her leftovers and took them over to the table. She grabbed a catalog out of the mail pile and flipped through it as she ate, and Phil stared in disbelief at her apparent total detachment. She trusted him not to cheat? The feeling that took hold of him just then was an odd combination of fear, confusion, and indignance, seasoned liberally with the love he still felt for her. Like he was being held hostage in his own marriage.
“Okay then,” Phil said, and continued eating. Not another word was exchanged between them that night. Not even when, for the first time in months, they got into bed at the same time.
***
When Dan got home, every emotion he’d been holding inside himself in the name of professionalism in front of Olivia Lester came spilling out. Or perhaps ‘exploding’ would be a more accurate description. As soon as his front door was closed, he sobbed. The first few sobs were quiet and reserved, but soon his voice felt as though it was being pulled out of him by force. He grabbed a sofa cushion, digging his nails into the fabric, and shoved it over his face so he could scream into it with all the fiery anger and sorrow of a mortally injured wolf.
With that out of his system, he put the cushion back down to breathe and think.
He’d be able to keep in contact with Matthew and Julie. This was good. But that would necessarily mean seeing Phil and being able to do no more than see. It would mean seeing Phil still married to his unloving wife. It would mean seeing Phil lonely and miserable.
Dan closed his eyes and leaned his head back. He felt so helpless. He wanted to tell Phil everything he knew. That Olivia didn’t want to work fewer hours. That she was working so much on purpose, to avoid talking to Phil. That she didn’t love him.
She had agreed that Phil was a good man. But apparently she didn’t agree that he deserved better.
Dan had no way of approaching this situation without looking like he had a selfish agenda. ‘Phil,’ he’d say, ‘your wife doesn’t love you.’ ‘Of course she does,’ Phil would say back. ‘You’re only saying that to split us up so you can have me for yourself. How dare you. I trusted you.’
And then Dan would never get to see the kids again, at the very least. He couldn’t bear the thought of it.
All Dan could do was try to spend the next two weeks loving those kids as much as they deserved. Maybe eventually he’d get over Phil. He had to hope so. Otherwise he’d go mad.
But there were more pressing concerns right now. Like the new job Dan now needed. Even in the face of romantic turmoil, the world continued turning and practical concerns still needed to be addressed. He thanked the universe for the distraction.
***
Dan unfortunately couldn’t do anything that would bring him and the children outdoors, like a zoo visit or a picnic or a trip to Alton Towers. But he knew these kids were creative, so he found something to do that he’d always wanted to try but hadn’t had the opportunity.
“Pottery Cafe?” Julie said, reading the sign outside the shop.
“Pottery Cafe,” Dan replied with a nod, looking far more assured than he felt.
“Okay,” Matthew said. “I’m curious, I have to admit.”
Dan smiled and escorted the kids inside. The walls were lined with pure white ceramic items of all sorts. They could see not only the teapots, plant pots, and decorative pots they expected, but also cups and plates and bowls and even a skull with an eyepatch over one eye socket. The kids lit up as they looked at piggy banks, blank tiles, unicorns, and a dozen other things calling out to be painted.
“Hello there!” a kind-looking saleswoman said as she approached them. “Will you three be painting with us today?”
“Yes,” Dan replied. “How exactly does it work? I haven’t been here before.”
As the saleswoman gave the usual pitch, explaining the process -- six pound ninety-nine per person plus the cost of pottery, paint as many as you want using the paints available there, come back tomorrow to pick them up once they’ve been fired -- the kids studied some finished pieces that sat in a row on their own shelf, waiting for their creators to retrieve them. Dan glanced over and could see the light in their eyes at the idea of expressing themselves in a whole new way they hadn’t even thought of.
“Alright guys, one thing each,” Dan said once he knew how this was all going to go down. “Choose whatever you like!”
Julie chose a small piggy bank with no hesitation. Matthew, however, looked at several items but his eyes kept returning to the row of unicorn heads. Dan, holding a blank tile he’d chosen for himself, approached and crouched down next to him.
“I meant it, Matty,” Dan said. “Choose whatever you like.”
Matthew still looked doubtful and nervous.
“I dunno,” he said. “What if one of my mates comes over and they see a unicorn on my shelf?” Matthew sighed.
“You never have to show anyone. Hide it in a box under your bed if you like. Keep it a cheeky little secret, knowing that something special to you is hidden somewhere only you can find it. This is all about doing what you want, what you like. Expressing yourself.”
“Isn’t it bad if I can’t show people something that’s, y’know… me?”
Dan shook his head. “Of course not. It’s true, sometimes we hide things about ourselves because we’re ashamed, and that’s something to try and work past. But sometimes we have to hide things about ourselves that are important in order to protect those things. In order to stay true to who we are. Eventually those things can come out safely, maybe, but... often, especially when we’re young, those things are just too fragile. And that’s okay. I mean…” Dan pointed at one of the unicorns lined up on the shelf. “This is ceramic. It can break. It’s definitely fragile. If you decide to hide it to keep it safe, that makes all the sense in the world. If you genuinely want to paint something else, then you're certainly welcome to. But if this is what speaks to you, if this is what you choose to paint, then you should.”
Matthew smiled and gave Dan a hug. Then, summoning all his bravery, he took the unicorn head off the shelf and took it over to the work table.
The saleswoman showed them how to paint the pottery using sponges, brushes, and other tools. She showed them how to paint evenly and how to create patterns. She even showed them different types of paints and glazes and what they could do, using finished pieces to demonstrate the effects. Dan knew exactly how he wanted his ceramic tile to be painted, but it required reference material, so he got his phone out to look up an image to copy and got started excitedly.
Julie’s piggy bank was mostly yellow, but was also covered in various pastel-colored pound signs and numerals. Matthew’s unicorn had a more traditionally unicornesque appearance; a gold horn, a white face that would apparently become iridescent upon firing, and mane with three wide stripes: pink, purple, and blue. Dan and Matthew shared knowing grins with one another.
When they retrieved their pieces the next day, the pieces were now glossy and the colors much brighter. Matthew was so delighted upon seeing his colorful iridescent unicorn, he could barely contain his excitement. His joy was infectious. The saleswoman grinned at them.
“Your kids are an absolute joy,” she said to Dan.
“Oh, they're not-- I'm just--”
“He's our stepfather!” Julie said with a voice that was far too loud. She flung her arms around Dan's midsection and smiled brightly, first at the saleswoman, then Dan. Unable to resist, he mussed up her hair and she giggled. He smiled down at her, wishing her words were true.
Once they got home, Matthew put his unicorn on his shelf, much to Dan’s surprise.
“Are you sure?” Dan asked.
Matthew nodded. “I think… my friends who would make fun of this aren’t the friends I would let into my room in the first place. If they can’t respect me for who I am, then I don’t need them in my space.” He looked at his painted ceramic figure and grinned brightly. “I’m proud of this. It’s beautiful.”
Dan’s eyes filled with tears as he filled with pride. “Matty,” he said, “you’re the coolest kid I know.”
“Aww,” Matthew said with a warm grin, tilting his head slightly. “Don’t lie.”
Dan laughed, making it easy to dry his eyes.
***
That weekend, Dan joined the family for what began as an informal game night. What started as a game of Heads Up quickly turned into unstructured pretend play, and Olivia lost interest in the new directionless format of things, so she decided to answer some emails.
Dan and Phil moved some furniture to open up the floor a little. Phil asked Olivia if he could borrow her yoga mats, and she grunted a vague “sure” while barely looking up.
“Mummy, look!” Julie called at one point. Olivia looked up from her tablet to see Julie do a poorly-executed but endearingly wonky tripod headstand.
She gave a half-smile and shook her head. “That's great, sweetie,” she said, looking right back down at her emails.
“Be careful,” Dan said to Julie with an amused giggle, hurrying over to grab her feet before she could flip over backwards and hurt herself.
Julie laughed. “Thank you!”
“The blood rushing to your head yet?” he asked.
“Not yet! Oh, wait… okay, yeah.”
Dan laughed and eased her feet down so she could sit up straight and her circulatory system could operate as designed.
Phil watched Dan playing with Julie, then kept watching as he shifted his attention to Matthew. Dan was so attentive and carefree, so focused on making sure the kids were having fun and were safe. That only made sense, Phil thought; Dan's time with them was almost up, and he was making the best of it. It didn’t necessarily signify anything lasting or substantial. He was just doing his job, and making it special before it ended.
But then Phil remembered “Danellus” dead on the floor, and Julie’s little scare on Halloween, and Matthew’s recount of Dan’s support when his sexuality began coming into focus, and every other time Dan had been actively attentive and supportive to the kids. Matthew and Julie had already pointed it out: Dan had gone far above and beyond what was expected of a nanny or a babysitter. Dan didn’t just watch the kids. He loved them. That much was very clear.
And, finally, Phil looked at his utterly disengaged wife, hunched over her tablet, typing away, utterly unaware of the room outside her chair and screen. Over the last few months her detachment had only gotten worse. As his questions about her job got more plentiful, her answers got shorter; as he leaned in for more kisses, she returned fewer of them; as he told her he loved her more often, she was more silent.
Suddenly, he knew. He remembered talking to Dan about how Olivia wasn’t going to marriage counseling. He remembered that most of the conversations of any dept he had with Olivia were arguments. He thought about that increased distance between them. And it all led him to one obvious and near-certain conclusion: Olivia did not love him. Not only was their marriage not working, he was honestly the only one who wanted to make it work.
Phil gulped. All at once a hundred thoughts went through his head, centered around how he could possibly save his marriage and how scary it would be if he couldn’t. He felt nauseous. He couldn’t breathe. The entire world suddenly looked like a dream, and not in a fun way. His vision began to reduce to a single point right in front of him and as the darkness encroached he made fists to try and stop his hands from shaking.
“Phil?” Dan said, currently crouched down to help Matthew with whichever move he was trying but distracted by Phil’s terrifyingly sick appearance.
Phil's eyes met his. “Hm?”
“You're pale. Not like normal pale for you, like sick pale. You okay?”
“Oh, yeah, fine,” Phil insisted, putting on a happy face. Everything still looked like a dream. Colors were too bright, edges too sharp and somehow jagged, and the world went from three dimensions to two. And yet, he continued to reassure Dan. “Nothing wrong at all.”
Dan knew that was a lie, but it wasn't polite to pry, so he didn’t. There was clearly something up, though. He knew what an anxiety attack looked like. And it looked like how Phil looked right then. But helping Phil through this was beyond Dan’s right or capability.
So Dan nodded, and forced himself to stand up in preparation to leave. “Well, tonight's been exhausting,” he said. “I should head home now to make sure I get enough sleep.”
“Aww!” the kids groaned.
Dan smiled at them. “I'll see you guys tomorrow” he said. He walked past Phil to retrieve his jacket, but Phil tugged on Dan's shirt to get his attention.
“Can I text you later?” he asked in a whisper when Dan looked down at him.
“Of course,” Dan replied warmly but quietly. “Always.”
Phil nodded and let Dan go.
***
He didn't text him though. Unable to face the reality of his marriage really truly genuinely crumbling, he did his best to ignore it. The dread in the pit of Phil's stomach overrode everything else he felt in smaller proportion: concern for how much the kids may have noticed, excitement over possibly kissing Dan in the future, wondering how much nearby real estate would cost him, and vague thoughts about starting up one of those YouTube channels to perhaps supplement his income.
He knew some of his panic was unreasonable. But if he got a divorce his entire world would be upended, and he was not comfortable with that. Sure, things weren't perfect or amazing, but they were comfortable as they were. He found that even the lack of affection from Olivia had become a simple, predictable fact of his existence and, he reasoned, better the devil you know than the devil you don't. He was not equipped to handle so drastic a change as divorce and all the trappings thereof. No, he would suffer quietly. He would grin and bear the pain and loneliness.
He continued this charade inside his own mind for days and days. He shut off his emotions as best he could, trying not to acknowledge his misery. Dan, however, saw it all and was not okay with it. It had been far too many days of Dan going to the Lester family home, playing with the kids and helping them with their projects and work, and watching from afar as Phil kept pursuing Olivia’s affection and Olivia continued ignoring him. Phil’s face grew sadder and sadder, his countenance slowly sinking like a neglected hot air balloon that once flew so optimistically high but now lay lifeless on the ground. He went pale with fear and worry more days than he didn’t. Knowing it wasn’t his fight, Dan said nothing for as long as he could stand.
Then, on the 29th, Dan decided enough was enough.
Dan Howell
you okay?
Phil Lester
Why are you texting me? You're sat right there.
Dan Howell
because olivia is here and could hear us if we talked
and i suspect she’s the problem
i know you're not ok
Phil Lester
I’m not.
I'm scared
Dan Howell
of what?
Phil typed out multiple responses before deleting them and trying again— everything from “I don’t know” to “I’ve been having visions of the end of the world whenever I fall asleep.” But eventually he sighed, closed his eyes, and decided to be honest
Phil Lester
divorce.
Instinctually excited by the idea of Phil being available, Dan's face brightened ever so slightly. He caught himself in the middle of it and relaxed his expression back to something more indifferent. Not entirely successfully perhaps, but he got it to where he could disguise it as optimism or support. He watched his phone as Phil completed his explanation.
Phil Lester
I don’t think Olivia loves me.
Honestly I’m almost completely certain she doesn’t.
Dan, of course, had already known this for some time. But he still felt sympathetic toward Phil, who was apparently just now discovering it despite all the signs.
Dan Howell
can we talk outside?
Phil Lester
But it’s freezing!
Dan Howell
then I’ll warm you up with the art of conversation
get your damn coat on
Phil got up, and so did Dan, and they got their coats.
“I’m going out to talk with your dad,” Dan said to the kids, “and then I’m off for the night. It’s just about bedtime so you guys get ready to go to sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
“You’re not gonna tuck us in?” Julie asked.
Dan gave her a regretful but calming smile. “Not tonight, sweetheart. But don’t worry, there are still two more days for that.”
Julie and Matthew gave Dan a hug. Dan kissed them on their heads and told them goodnight and bye and see-you-tomorrow, and Dan and Phil stepped outside in their nice warm coats.
The entire time, Phil kept expecting Olivia to ask where they were going or what they were doing. She did not.
***
“Are they having a fight?” Julie asked Matthew once they got to the top of the stairs.
“I don’t think so,” Matthew said, but what he meant was “I hope not.”
“He only has two more days with us,” Julie said. “What if Dad doesn’t fall in love with him in time?”
“I don’t know. I guess we’ll just have to keep trying every time Dan visits us.”
“Do you think he really will? Come visit, I mean?”
“He promised me he would, the other night before bed. I believe him.”
Julie nodded, trying to feel reassured. She couldn’t help but feel like this countdown was a serious one. Didn’t the universe realize that something was ending, and the very serious matter of Dan and Phil falling in love needed to be resolved first?
Julie went to bed quite grumpy indeed. She wanted her fairy tale ending. It seemed unfair to more than just her that she might not get it.
***
Meanwhile, Dan and Phil were outside, shivering from the combination of cold and nervousness. Dan’s stomach tightened, and he hoped beyond all hope that Phil was ready to hear this.
“Phil, I have to tell you something.”
Phil waited attentively, saying nothing, for Dan to explain.
“Olivia… back on Halloween, she…” Dan wrestled with how much truth to reveal. “She told me that she wasn't putting any real effort into talking to her boss. And that she was doing it on purpose because...”
Phil looked at Dan quizzically. He’d known this much, but Dan was still nervous.
“What is it?” Phil urged him on.
“Because she didn’t want to face you and be forced to talk about...” Dan took a breath to calm himself. “About how she doesn’t love you anymore.”
Phil sighed and his shoulders dropped. To Dan he almost seemed relieved rather than frustrated or disappointed. This should have been devastating news, but Phil now knew his suspicions were correct and that relaxed him more than it hurt.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Phil asked. From his tone, it was clear that he already had a good idea of the answer to that question.
“Would you have believed me?” Dan asked. “This young nanny shows up, gives you flirty eyes, starts saying things like ‘your wife doesn’t love you?’ I mean, what would you have thought of me?”
“...Flirty eyes?” Phil pointed out with a smirk.
“Missing the point here,” Dan said, smirking right back. “But yeah, I mean… I wanted to tell you. Not even because I like you, which I really do, but because… You deserve to be happy.” A sweet sadness coated his words like honey. “You know that, right?”
Phil responded with a bitter chuckle. “Yeah, I guess. As a person, I deserve happiness as much as anyone else does.”
“No,” Dan said pointedly. “Not just as much as anyone else. That’s not what I mean.”
They gazed into each other's eyes, and Dan stepped closer to him. He put one hand on Phil's cheek.
“You're so kind, Phil,” he said. “And hard-working, and loving, almost to a fault. You're sweet and imaginative and talented and… you deserve so much happiness.” He stroked Phil’s cheek with his thumb and resisted with great difficulty the urge to kiss him. “You're an incredible employee, an incredible father, and an incredible husband even though your wife doesn’t seem to notice it. Phil… you deserve love. You deserve to be loved passionately and all-consumingly. The sort of love that only comes from someone who understands and appreciates who you are, and who knows what you have to offer, and who doesn’t take it for granted. Proper ridiculous romantic love. And... from me, at least, you certainly have that.”
Wait. Dan loved him? Is that what he just said? It was. Oh my god, it was.
Phil's eyes glistened with tears as he looked into Dan's.
“You know I can't leave Olivia for you though,” Phil said regretfully. “I mean, how would that look? And I’d feel so guilty, I--”
Dan interrupted Phil with a chuckle, shaking his head. Phil was still missing the point in his own endearing way. “Don't leave her for me,” he said. “Leave her for you .”
And that was when Dan dropped his hand from Phil’s face and kissed the cheek underneath.
Phil stood still, his eyebrows lifted slightly, and looked at Dan’s eyes, which sparkled but otherwise looked nearly black in the moonlight of the evening. There was a blue cast over him, and it made Phil feel like he was in a movie scene.
He suddenly felt as though he’d been standing by a fire for years that had gone from cozy and warm to painfully burning so gradually that he hadn’t noticed the change until Dan came with this cooling ocean wave of a revelation that Phil deserved the sort of love Olivia was not giving him anymore.
It hit him hard. It relieved his pain at all once, but disoriented him when it quite literally swept him off his feet.
He noticed Dan take a step back. It was probably about time for him to head home, he knew, but he didn’t want him to go.
“I’m scared though,” Phil confessed.
“Of course you are,” Dan said reassuringly. “Change is scary. And, yeah, sometimes it feels like the only way to relieve pain is to ignore it. But this pain has a cause and a cure. And you deserve to feel better. Just… keep that in mind, okay?”
Phil nodded, feeling the memory of Dan’s hand pressed against his cheek. Dan turned around to walk away, but looked back over his shoulder at Phil and smiled. Phil gave him a wave, Dan waved back, and Phil watched him head home.
Still a cute butt.
He laughed at himself and headed back inside.
***
The next day, of course, was Phil’s birthday. So Dan decided to wear his nicest jumper and a brand new pair of black jeans in which, even as hard on his own appearance as he was, he thought he looked quite fetching. It wasn’t like he had any plans to flirt with Phil or put any moves on him today -- certainly not with Olivia home! -- but he did want to look his best.
His gift for Phil was the tile he’d painted at Pottery Cafe. It was yellow and had tiny ruler marks on the left and right sides with tiny numbers demarcating lengths. In the middle, in big cheesy ornate letters, it said “Practically Perfect in Every Way.” He wrapped it up in tissue paper and taped it up before putting it into a blue box with a ribbon pre-attached to the lid. He put his coat on and headed over to the Lesters’.
Phil answered the door, and his expression was immediately one of relief upon seeing Dan. The last time he’d seen him, the blue-tinged darkness of the night had washed him out. But now, Dan looked like a ray of sunshine dressed in black. The most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. Dan held out the little blue box and Phil took it, just as Olivia walked by.
“Hello, Dan!” she chirped. “Lovely to see you.”
“Hello, Olivia.”
“Oh, you got him a gift!” she said, as though this were an unexpected thing to do. “What a sweet gesture.”
“It is his birthday, after all,” Dan said, invisible hatred dripping from his mouth.
“I’m sorry, Phil,” Olivia said to her husband, because that was the line her script called for. “I’ve been so busy, I hadn’t had a chance to pick up anything yet. Do you have anything you want? I can get it for you on my way home tomorrow.”
Dan and Phil were both put off by this question. It was as though she thought of a birthday gift as an errand to run rather than a thoughtful, loving gesture.
“I can’t think of anything,” Phil replied, with as much phony sweetness as she’d used. His words were honest, though; if she didn’t want to give him a gift, he didn’t want to receive one. “Just the pleasure of your company is all I need.”
She patted him on the shoulder, smiled a saccharine smile, and headed back to the kitchen where food was waiting. It had been Olivia’s job to make dinner for the occasion, but she had neglected to do so. The result was some Greek takeout, which Phil had requested.
Once Olivia had distributed the food from their polystyrene containers onto proper plates, the family sat around the table eating more or less joyfully. It was a day to celebrate Phil, and Phil was a person worth celebrating.
“So what did you and your dad do today?” Dan asked the kids.
“We played pretend,” Julie said. “I was the evil dictator of a small island nation, and Matty and Dad were competing for land I hadn’t taken over yet.”
“Let me guess,” Dan said, “you killed them both and took the land for yourself?”
“Yup!” Julie said with a smug grin.
Dan shook his head at the rather disturbing level of pride she displayed.
Phil shrugged nervously, feeling the same apprehension regarding Julie that Dan was. “I mean, at least she knows it’s evil,” he offered.
“Fair enough,” Dan agreed.
“We got pizza for lunch, too,” Matthew said, highlighting his own favorite part of the day.
“Yeah,” Phil said. “We try to eat healthy all the time. Pizza felt like a nice change of pace.”
“I’m sorry I missed that!” Dan said honestly. “You should have called me to come over early.”
“I’ll keep that in mind for next time,” Phil replied.
Neither Dan nor Phil missed how excited and optimistic the kids looked. “Next time.” The best two words they’d ever heard. Dan felt calm all of a sudden.
Soon enough it was time for cake — the kids had baked it themselves and it was, miraculously, structurally sound and moist, its flavor mild and perfectly edible — and presents. Phil got one gift each from Dan, Julie, and Matthew. The kids gave him a hand-drawn Mario wall hanging covered in glitter and a pair of rainbow-colored socks. It should be fairly easy to guess which gift came from which child.
Phil opened the blue box from Dan to see the yellow tile proclaiming that he measured up to perfection, and Phil smiled that particular type of smile that can only be described as “loving.”
“Dan, this is… Perfect.” He laughed at his inability to come up with any other word for it. “Absolutely perfect. Thank you.”
Dan and Phil shared a quiet moment of mutual gratitude for one another. That feeling of calm was back again, deeper and sweeter and more all-encompassing. It lasted for a grand total of three seconds, because at four seconds, Olivia spoke again as though the bite she’d just taken of cake suddenly reminded her of some very important information.
“Oh, Phil darling, I’ve got another trip coming up.”
“Oh?” Phil said, turning toward his wife. “Where to?”
“A client office in Berlin. Or a prospective client, I should say.”
“Ah. When’s the trip?”
“The tenth until the eighteenth.”
“Long one,” Phil said, after swallowing the bite of cake in his mouth. “And… over Valentine’s day, then?” His tone was been disappointed but curious. He then counted the days of the week and noticed something interesting. The rhythm of his speech slowed. “And the following weekend, as well, if my math is correct.”
“Um.” Olivia cleared her throat. “Yes.” She took a sip of her water to disguise her nervousness. It didn’t work.
The entire table went quiet. Phil put down his fork and leaned back in his chair. He stared at her, his expression confused at first, then in seconds it morphed into something coldly angry, as though a switch had flipped.
For you see, in those few short seconds, Phil had done some further mental arithmetic. The facts were as follows, as Phil saw them: Olivia worked very long hours at the office, and yet inexplicably still needed to work when she was home. Her “business trips” often went over New Year’s Eve, the second most romantic holiday of the year. Now, she had a trip going over the most romantic holiday of the year. She’d become more distant from him and the kids recently, seemingly on purpose. She didn’t kiss back. They scarcely spoke. And the thing that really bothered Phil was the idea that she was seemingly too afraid to talk to her boss about how overworked she was. She’d never been the type to be afraid to speak her mind, and yet this was somehow a huge issue for her. And when Phil offered to send an e-mail to help, she insisted he not do so. And that was because, Phil now realized, there was nothing to talk to her boss about. His unwillingness to hire new people, and her anxiety about addressing it, had been a lie; a cover story allowing her to stay away from home for as long as she wanted.
Her absence had little, if anything, to do with her job.
Because Phil could think of only one thing that made sense. Only one thing added up.
Matthew, Julie, and Dan could see in Phil’s eyes the precise moment when he snapped, and the marriage was officially, entirely, over.
“What’s his name, then?” Phil asked.
Olivia gulped. The jig was up. Everything she’d been afraid would happen was now happening, and there was nothing she could do but accept it.
Dan took this as his cue to get the kids out of the crossfire. He quietly corralled them over to the lounge and closed the door to it. Olivia watched the kids be taken out of the room and, effectively, out of her life. Phil never looked away from Olivia, his eyes shooting into hers like spears of ice, daring her to have another explanation for the misery he’d gone through for… he didn’t even know how long anymore.
“David,” she said simply.
Phil nodded, his eyes dropping to the table. He’d never been so unhappy to be right.
“How long?” he asked without looking at her.
Olivia was quiet when she answered, “Two years.”
This was a shorter time than he expected. Of course, even when he met Olivia she’d been a bit of a workaholic, and he saw that in action. From this information, Phil was able to construct a narrative in his mind that made sense: She had a demanding period of time at work (perhaps similar to Phil’s recent sudden crunch), and eventually she’d worked so many hours that she spent more time with David than with Phil; flirtation happened, and then maybe a drunken or stress-filled night at the office led to things Phil didn’t want to think about in detail. Olivia knew her workaholism was a safe excuse, so she used it in order to keep seeing this “David” person, and poor Phil was none the wiser.
Phil wasn’t sure why he bothered putting a story together in his head. Perhaps just because completing the story made it easier to accept as reality. Regardless, he only had one more thing to say to her. He raised his head to look at her, satisfied to see her own head bowed in shame. “You asked what I wanted for my birthday, Olivia.”
Olivia looked up at him, knowing what was coming before he even said it.
“I want a divorce.”
***
“What’s going on in there?” Julie wondered aloud, trying to peek through the lounge door’s glass panel into the somewhat obscured dining room. She was mystified by the fact that they weren’t yelling at each other. The conversation, from where she sat, seemed mostly very calm.
“Julie, shush!” Matthew said. “I’m trying to see if I can hear anything.”
“Stop trying to eavesdrop,” Dan said. “It’s impolite. Whatever’s going on, I’m sure they’ll tell us. Or at least they’ll tell us what they’re okay with us knowing.”
“D’you think Mum is actually cheating on Dad?” Julie said, her voice laced with the delicious poison of gossip.
“Julie,” Dan said, his voice in parent-mode.
“It’s a perfectly reasonable question,” she replied.
“I reckon she probably is,” Matthew answered. “It would explain an awful lot. I mean, who works that much?”
“She might not be,” Dan said, hoping Olivia wouldn’t hurt Phil like that, but also selfishly hoping she’d done just that.
“If she is cheating on him, they’ll probably get divorced,” Julie said excitedly. She turned to Dan. “And then you can be our Mum instead!”
Dan couldn’t help but smile at her imaginative optimism, though he was reluctant to get his own hopes up. Besides, if Phil was getting a divorce, he’d need the support of a friend like Dan. It wouldn’t be right for Dan to just swoop in and take Olivia’s place immediately. As much as he wanted to be these kids’ stepfather, it felt like a massive overstep to acknowledge it aloud at this point.
Matthew, sensing Dan’s reticence, sat beside him. “He does love you,” he said simply. “He’s only stayed with Mum because he was worried about how it would look if he left her for you.”
“And how do you know all this?” Dan asked.
“Because I know him! I’ve literally known Dad my whole life, you know.”
Dan snickered. “Can’t argue that.”
“He’s always worried about the ‘optics’ of everything. He uses that word a lot. Drives me bananas, honestly. But I can relate, I guess... it’s hard for us to go after what we want if we’re worried about how it’ll look. Anyway, he felt he had to make an effort with Mum. And... he did. And now we know she didn’t. Now, if he gets a divorce, everyone will know it was the right thing to do. So now I think he’ll do it.”
Dan nodded. He watched Phil and Olivia talking through the glass of the lounge door. He hoped Phil was okay. Or, if he wasn’t, that he would be eventually.
“You two don’t seem very bothered by all this,” he said to the kids.
Julie shrugged. “We’ve been wanting him to leave Mum for ages,” she said.
“Yeah,” Matthew said. “I’ve been looking up articles about it and showing them to him, Julie and I’ve both been trying to drop hints… but we’re just kids. I s’pose he was never going to listen to us. But then you came along.”
“Me?” Dan said.
“Yeah. You showed him what it felt like to actually be, y’know… loved.”
“We’re really glad you were so kind to him,” Julie said. “And to us. And it doesn’t hurt that you’re so cute, either.”
“Julie,” Matthew said with a glare.
“What? He is! You have eyes, look at him.”
“I’m not gonna call my future stepfather cute. It’s weird.”
A blushing Dan laughed and shook his head. In all the best ways, they hadn’t changed.
Just then Olivia stood up from the table and went upstairs, drawing Dan’s attention away from the scheming children. Phil put his elbows on the table and dropped his head into his hands. His shoulders shook once, then twice. Dan, immediately struck with concern for the broken man at the table, felt his eyes start to sting. He reached for his phone in his pocket and sent Phil a text.
Dan Howell
do you need a minute or can I come out?
Phil Lester
Wait just a few more minutes.
Once you see her walk out with a suitcase, then you can come out.
I think I’m going to need you and the kids.
“Oh my god,” Dan muttered. “He… he kicked her out.”
“Yes!” Matty said under his breath.
“Finally,” Julie said, rolling her eyes.
Phil Lester
I feel like such an idiot.
Dan Howell
you’re not.
Dan saw Phil hovering his thumbs over his phone screen, but he ultimately sighed and put his phone down. He started crying again. Dan frowned, feeling helpless, which he hated.
After what felt like an eternity, Olivia came downstairs lugging a large suitcase behind her, the thunk thunk thunk of it awkwardly hitting each step behind her reverberating through the whole house. Almost as though she were being irritatingly noisy on purpose. Phil stood from the table and said something to her. She said something angrily back, but Dan and the kids couldn’t make it out. They could plainly hear Phil’s reply though.
“Get the hell out of my house!”
Olivia stomped out the front door, slamming it theatrically behind her as she left. Phil dropped to his knees, ultimately sitting on the floor, exhausted and angry and wondering how on earth he didn’t see it earlier. She’d betrayed him, and he’d been so kind and understanding to her. He felt foolish. More than that, he felt like he’d cheated himself and his kids out of years of actual happiness, ignoring years of “that doesn’t seem quite right… but okay” feelings in the name of keeping his family together. And where had that got him?
He was going to have to find a new house now. He couldn’t afford to keep this one. And that was the thought that broke his tear ducts open once again.
At the first sound of loud sobbing, Dan and the kids rushed out of the lounge and over to his side. Dan dropped to the ground and wrapped his arms around Phil, and the kids piled on too.
“It’s okay, Phil,” Dan whispered. “It’s okay. We’re here.”
“Your family’s here, Dad,” Julie said, trying to hold back tears herself.
Phil’s crying quieted gradually until his tears had dried up and his sobbing voice had died away.
***
The children had gone to bed already. Dan had tucked them in and promised them a better day tomorrow. They needed no such promises to be satisfied for the night— they were happy he was there to tuck them in.
And now Dan was sitting on the sofa watching television with Phil, just as he had been thirty days before. And they were drinking wine together, just as they had been thirty days before. And Dan wanted to kiss Phil badly, just as he had thirty days before. But the kiss he wanted to give this time was of a different nature entirely.
Dan snuck glance after glance at Phil, checking on him. Had he started crying again? Always no. Was he looking back over at him? Also always no. It also seemed Phil was not paying attention to the television, so at least they had that in common.
Then, seemingly apropos of nothing, Phil leaned his head on Dan’s shoulder and curled his legs up on the sofa. He handed his mostly empty wine glass to Dan, who set it down on the end table. Dan expected him to start crying, but he didn’t.
Dan set his own wine glass down and started softly combing his fingers through Phil’s hair.
“That’s nice,” Phil exhaled.
Dan smiled down at him. He wanted to say so much — that he loved Phil, that Phil was beautiful, that he hoped Phil was doing okay. But he didn’t. Phil was the one going through something right now, so any movement forward had to be led by him. Dan was happy to stay by his side for the ride, however long it lasted, even if it ended without him.
“Am I an idiot?” Phil suddenly said, snapping Dan back to the real world.
“For what?”
“Staying. Believing her. I don’t know.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Phil,” Dan said, his voice like a lullaby. “You wanted to keep your family together. A relationship is a promise. She’s the one who broke that promise. You worked hard to keep it.”
Phil gave a bitter chuckle. “You have no idea.”
Dan furrowed his brow. “Hm?”
Phil sat up and looked at Dan. “This… is probably the wrong time to say this. But… it also feels like the exact right time, if that makes any sense.”
Dan shook his head. “Not really…?”
Phil used the remote to turn the television off, then tossed it away. “I erm… oh god, where do I begin on this.” Phil took a breath and tried again. “I take marriage seriously. I mean, I know it’s just a piece of paper, technically, but I was raised to respect it. Like you said, a relationship is a promise. And I promised to love and cherish and honor and obey and all of that, and I meant it. And the whole time she and I were together, I never saw any reason to doubt that I would keep those vows until death did indeed part us. But… that was only because no one had challenged me yet. Dan, you.. you’re beautiful. I could write poetry about you. You appeared at my door, and… I couldn’t breathe. But that was only surface level, and I could dismiss that, you know? I was married, so I had to. I naively figured I could just ignore how attractive you were, and it would go away eventually. But… god, I kept waiting for it to stop. I kept waiting for you to, y’know, turn out to be a jerk or something. I kept waiting for the day when I suddenly saw all your flaws. But you don’t have any! I kept wishing for it to go away, but… it never did. I fell in love with you the moment I opened my front door for you, and it never went away.”
Dan tried to breathe, but the air moved in slow motion, his breath silent and shallow. He felt frozen in this moment in time. Phil loved him back? But he’d been so affectionate to Olivia, so attentive, so diligent in trying to rekindle the spark between them. It almost didn’t seem possible. But here he was, on the verge of tears, saying just that.
Dan loved Phil, and Phil loved him back. There was no longer any question about this.
“I felt like such a bad person for seeing you that way,” he continued, now looking Dan in the eye only sporadically, whenever he felt comfortable enough to do so. “I knew you were bad for my marriage, but... I always wanted you around. All I knew was that you made me happy. Seeing you when I got home made me instantly smile every time. Talking to you relaxed me. I could be myself around you. I guess… the fact that you made me so happy was worth more to me than anything else. You made me feel loved in a way that… she just… didn’t anymore.”
“You deserve to feel loved, Phil,” Dan said quietly.
“Thanks to you, I do.”
Dan smiled warmly. “Good,” he whispered.
Phil leaned in close. Dan, as though pulled in by gravity or magnetism, found himself leaning forward as well. Soon their faces were close, the scent of wine surrounding them, the desire to kiss very strong. Same as it had all been thirty days before.
Phil hesitated. “Is this okay?” he asked.
Dan shook his head, but smiled. “Probably not,” he said. “I’d love to, honestly, but… you’ve only just stopped crying after kicking your wife out of the house. I really don’t want to have rebound sex with you because you’re lonely, you know?”
Phil pouted. “Fine,” he said. “Then have romantic sex with me.” He smirked and stuck his tongue out between his teeth.
Dan laughed and grabbed a sofa cushion. “No!” he said, smacking Phil with it. “You’re incorrigible!”
Phil chuckled too, and Dan’s heart was warmed by it.
“Fine, fine,” Phil said. “You’re probably right. It would be rebound sex.”
“No ‘probably,’ I am right.” Dan looked Phil in the eyes. “This, you and me… this could be amazing. And I don’t want to fuck it up by doing something we’d regret in the morning.”
“Well…” Phil made a thinking face, pushing his puckered lips over to one side of his face, and decided to try his luck one more time. “Would you regret it if we kissed? Just kissed. Nothing else.”
Dan smiled a tiny surprised smile, charmed by Phil’s adorable face and awkward request. “No,” he said. “I don’t think so.”
Like an anxious teenager, Phil scooted closer to Dan. He took a slow, even breath, trying to remember the last time he’d properly kissed Olivia. He couldn’t. It had certainly happened, but it was so long ago that Phil realized in a silent panic that he had no idea what he was doing. He was twelve years old under a tree next to his school and he had no idea how to kiss his crush.
The palm of Dan’s hand against his cheek, a comfortable and familiar feeling, took him out of his trance and he began to relax.
“It’s okay,” Dan whispered. “I’m nervous too.”
With a relieved smile, Phil finally leaned in and pushed his lips against Dan’s.
It would be nice to say that sparks flew, that Dan’s lips were perfectly soft, that their lips tasted like honey, that the kiss was magical and flawless and shot electricity through both of their bodies. But that would be a complete and total fabrication. The truth was, the kiss began poorly aligned. Once their mouths found each other, Dan’s lips were chapped and Phil noticed. They tasted like the bad aftertaste of too-sweet cake and cheap wine. Their teeth clanked together like malfunctioning machinery in an old factory, and they laughed through their noses until they pulled away from the kiss smiling like idiots.
“Oh my god,” Dan said, giggling bashfully. “That… let’s try that again, yeah?”
“Okay,” Phil said, laughing right along with him.
The whole exchange was incredibly awkward. The push and pull between them, the experimental toeing of whatever line there was between them, was clumsy and difficult to navigate, but they did their best.
***
They did so well, in fact, that Dan woke up next to Phil at 6:00 the following morning.
The tinny, blaring dance tune emanating from the phone nearest to Dan’s head was unfamiliar, and it took Dan a moment to remember why the song playing was so much louder than the one he usually heard at this time of day. Then, when he remembered where he was, his heart raced. He looked down at his body to see that it was fully clothed. He sighed with relief.
Phil inhaled through his nose and rolled over. Eyes still shut, he flung his arm out of the blankets to reach for his phone, only to find Dan in the way, nearly swatting him in the face.
“Phil, Jesus!” Dan grumbled, chuckling in spite of himself.
Phil’s eyes opened widely. “Oh,” he said, nearly drowned out by the sound of the obnoxious dance music screaming at him to wake up. “Hello.”
“Hello,” Dan chuckled. He reached behind himself for Phil’s phone and handed it to him. “Turn this bloody thing off, will you?”
“Oh god, I’m sorry…” Phil said, taking his phone and turning the alarm off.
As Dan reached a more complete level of lucidity he remembered that last night, after some passionate and very romantic kissing on the lounge sofa, Phil had begun to cry because he and Olivia hadn’t kissed like that in a very long time. Dan held him until he was calm, and then offered to sleep with Phil -- but only sleep! -- so he wouldn’t feel too alone to get a good night’s rest.
“How’d you sleep?” Dan asked, cutting through the new refreshing silence of the bedroom.
“Wonderfully,” Phil answered honestly. “Thank you.”
“Fuck,” Dan said. “I have to get the kids ready for school.”
Phil felt at peace hearing those words come out of Dan’s mouth. He watched as Dan stood up from the bed and stretched his arms up in the air, as though this were how every morning played out.
“You don’t have to,” Phil said. “Remember? I e-mailed the office last night saying I couldn’t make it in today.”
“But I want to,” Dan said, looking up as high as he could, stretching his neck. “It’s my last day!”
“No it’s not,” Phil blurted out. Then, upon seeing Dan’s puzzled face, he tried and utterly failed to explain what he meant. “I mean, uh, you won’t, like, never see them again. I mean like if you wanted to just… be there… for the kids… all the time, you could do that, you know. Like, I mean, honestly I can’t pay you for that, not forever, especially since I don’t have anyone else making money for us, living here, although I guess if I were paying you, you’d be making money, and then… would the money just be infinitely going around? I’m confused. I’m confusing myself.”
Dan laughed. “Phil, shut up. You complete and utter spoon, you’re going to short circuit your brain.” Dan finished the lunge he was in the middle of and then bounced on the balls of his feet and shook his fingers to get the blood circulating to them. Ready to face the day, he clapped once. “Right then!” He said, ignoring Phil’s adorably awkward stream-of-consciousness rant about Dan’s new role in his life and potentially infinite money. “I’m going to make breakfast. You coming?”
“Er, yeah, just… let me hop in the shower first,” Phil said.
Dan noticed that Phil was keeping his lower half covered. “Alright,” he replied. He leaned over the bed and kissed Phil on the mouth, startling him slightly. Phil briefly worried about his breath, but stopped worrying when Dan didn’t pull away from the kiss repulsed. Instead, he broke from the kiss torturously slowly, savoring every moment of it. Then, stepping backward towards the door and looking at Phil, he gave a small two-finger salute. “Don’t take too long!” he said cheerfully.
Dan walked out the bedroom door with a confident smile, leaving Phil wondering why, just days before, he had been so afraid of his life changing.
***
At 6:30, Matthew and Julie marched slowly and dutifully down the stairs, their feet landing like lead on each step. They were fully bathed and clothed, but still rubbing the sleep out of their eyes. Dan was putting the finishing touches on breakfast, and the sight of him made the kids light up just a little.
“Good morning,” Dan said cheerfully.
Matthew looked at the stack of toaster waffles sitting at his spot on the table. There was syrup on them, yes, but also whipped cream, a strawberry, and a garnish of popcorn.
“You made Together Breakfast,” Matthew said wistfully.
Dan smiled at him, putting Julie’s now-complete meal on the table next to Matthew’s. “I thought this might be the last day I’d see you guys for awhile,” Dan explained. “And since Steven Universe was the first thing I watched with you guys, it seemed appropriate.”
Matthew ran over and hugged Dan tightly. “You sap!” He cried. “This is the best breakfast ever.”
Julie was already digging her fork into her waffles as Matthew detached himself from Dan’s torso and sat down to eat. As he did, Dan’s eyes were drawn to Phil, who was coming downstairs dressed and looking amazing. They both said good morning to each other at about the same time, talking over one another clumsily. They laughed, then shared an awkward silence, each waiting for the other to speak.
“Have dinner with me tonight,” Phil said, once again blurting it out so he could say what the wanted to say before he could stop himself.
Dan opened his mouth to respond, but found he didn’t know what to say. His heart was practically screaming in his chest, “yes! Yes, go to dinner with Phil!” But he worried that, if things moved too fast right after things ended with Olivia, it might spoil everything.
“You’re s’posed to say ‘yes,’” Julie said through a mouthful of waffles.
Dan chuckled, bashful and unsure, but definitely agreeing.
“I… okay,” he said, smiling uncontrollably. “I’d like that.”
Phil suddenly poked a reddened spot near Dan’s jaw. “You’re blushing,” he said.
“Am not,” Dan said.
“What, transforming into a demon, then?” Phil asked with a smirk.
“Maybe,” Dan answered mischievously.
“You’ll have to show me later,” Phil said, stepping closer to Dan, his voice low and breathy.
“We are right here,” Matthew grumbled.
“Setting you guys up was a mistake,” Julie said.
“We’ll talk later,” Dan whispered in Phil’s ear, a silent promise of the sexy variety hiding behind his words.
Once the kids were finished eating, Dan and Phil made sure they had their bags and coats and everything else they needed for school. Seeing the kids off together felt right. The sky was clear, the air was cool, and Dan was perfect.
Phil decided he was ready for his life to be upended.