Chapter Text
Dan is not ignoring Phil.
He’s just establishing his personal space, okay. He’s been really quite touchy with Phil these days and he doesn’t want to be clingy. ‘Like Phil minded that,” his scumbag brain supplied. 'Shut up, me,' he mumbled.
He’s spent the whole week just holed up in his room, the windows in his room shut, the lamps and fairy lights are turned off and his laptop is the only object that emanates light and heat. It was dark and depressing, exactly how Dan likes it. Fortunately, he was smart and sneaked food and beverages in his room from their pantry, which was their weekly stock. (Dan reckons Phil’s out for a grocery right now.) He doesn’t have the energy nor the motivation to do anything at all, (thanks, depression) not even to make videos and the only thing, or rather, person keeping him company is Tumblr user dans_eyelash. Which was really, really weird, since Dan’s first and only internet friend is well, Phil. And uh, that url.
And there was something in him that feels weirdly guilty for, cheating on Phil? Which sounds ridiculous, so he has decided to actively avoid that train of thought.
While he was lying on his bed, just blankly staring at the ceiling, there was an incessant voice in his head telling him to go talk to Phil, they would work it out, Phil would understand.
But this is different. This was him, possibly having feelings far from being platonic with his best friend. This was him, potentially ruining the most amazing thing that’s happened to his sad, pathetic life. He doesn’t want to mess up, like he always fucking does. And sure, they might be platonic soulmates but he’s not gonna risk all of this just because of his stupid, ironic crush - which he wasn’t even sure of yet. Dan closes his eyes and covers his face with his elbow, sighing deeply.
So yes, perhaps he is ignoring Phil, but can you blame him?
His disarray thoughts were thankfully interrupted by the small noise that came from his phone. Grateful that he could be distracted, Dan swipes his phone that’s resting on top of his bedside table and unlocks his phone. A message from his companion, dans_eyelash, appears on his screen.
dans_eyelash
Have u seen Phil's video?
phanglabella2009
no
i’m being emo atm
why???????
Now, Dan was slightly worried. Did Phil say something weird about him? Or them? Is Phil okay? He must be, since he's motivated to actually film and edit a video with actual quality content. But then he’s not like Dan, who half-asses his way through his so-called job and just film all his bullshit rambles and calls it content. He sighs and takes his laptop, and types in ‘youtube’ in the search bar.
Also, ah, the username. Strange and slightly disturbing but still creative. In his Tumblr spree, he also found out about the people collective nicknames for each of their ‘eras’ (Can you believe it? They have eras.)
After watching the video, Dan finally understands. Sure, he sounds upbeat and cheerful, but Dan knows that look. It’s what he has given to Dan for all the remainder of that time four years ago. (Which Dan tries so hard to repress but couldn’t, after all these years.) He sighs, staring at the video, missing the idiot even though he’s only a room away. He begins typing.
phanglabella2009
i’ve watched it
dans_eyelash
Crazy week for Philly huh LOL
phanglabella2009
yeah i guess
hey um
can you give me advice on something
Dan knows it’s weird, asking for advice from a complete stranger on the internet but one, he doesn’t have the energy to phone a friend right now; two, he could call his therapist but his session isn’t due for another month and he didn’t want to bother them and; three, fuck it, right?
dans_eyelash
Yeah sure
phanglabella2009
what would you do if you and your friend are fighting
what would you do if you and your friend are not speaking to each otherwhat would you do if you’ve been ignoring your friend and it’s your fault cause you’re a massive idiot
He wasn’t sure what to type, but it’s the truth, nonetheless. Dan anxiously chews on his lip as the three dots starts popping up, signaling that the person is currently typing. Dan wonders what they look like, besides the fact that they’re both males, which is a rarity among the Phandom.
dans_eyelash
Thats a really unique question
I guess just talk to them???
Communication is key :)
Dan closes his eyes and heaves a deep sigh. He was right, he just needed to talk to Phil about this, like a grown-ass adult. Compartmentalising everything is not gonna make things okay. Talking with Phil… shouldn’t be too hard, right? Sometimes, all he ever does is talk to Phil. Should be easy. Right right right right.
Right.
He rises from his comfy and warm comforters and stands, stretching his long, lanky limbs making the joints produce loud popping noises. He flinched and yawned, determined to talk with Phil now more than ever. He opens his door for the first time in three days. His socked feet touches the carpeted floor, tiptoeing to the living room. He sees Phil sprawled over the couch, long legs stretched and sleeping soundly. He's snuggling a pillow, snoring softly while the television is still on. Typical Phil.
Dan smiled fondly before quickly shutting the TV off and cleaning all the mess Phil made, also typical him. He was in the middle of balancing a still half-full glass on a plate, when he sees Phil move slightly. His eyes are still closed, oblivious to the world around him. Dan places the dirty dishes in the kitchen sink as quietly as humanly possible, careful not drop them. Butterfingers. He goes back to the living room, sweeps the floor, and decides that the room is clean enough. He looks at Phil again, whose mouth is hanging open unattractively, making Dan's heart do a little flip. He adjusts Phil's comforter and just… stared.
He sees this face probably a lot more than he sees his own. When he wakes up and before he goes to bed, Phil is the first and last thing he sees. When he looks at Phil, there's just something about him that makes him feel… safe. Steady. Like the world could stop at any second and it probably would, who the fuck knows, but it doesn't matter. As long as he's got Phil by his side. Everything is infinitely better when Phil is by his side.
Dan shakily reaches out a hand and very carefully, silently, slowly parts the stray of her touching the long of Phil's nose. He gulps, suddenly feeling parched. He exhales a shaky breath.
He's in love with his best friend.
Fuck, what a cliche.
It doesn't surprise Dan at all; he knew it for a while. Hell, half of the goddamn internet knew it. But Christ, how the fuck has he only realised this by now? Was he really that dense, or just plain stupid? But now that he realises it, he knows it was the truth. It was true, and real; it feels like it might burst from him, it feels like he might burst from it. All this time, ever since he commented on every video Phil has uploaded on YouTube, has come down to this. Phil was an extension of him, and he cannot imagine a life where Phil doesn't exist.
He feels a tear escape his eyes as he closes his eyes. To think it out loud, to fully comprehend it untied some knots he didn't know was choking him. It feels so good, so freeing to know that he's got this profound, pure, unrelenting love, and it was all for Phil. It's always been Phil.
'Dan?' Phil's voice startles him, making him jump on his seat. He opens his eyes to Phil looking at him in concern.
'Hey,' he croaks, can't help the smile forming on his face.
Phil returns the smile. 'You okay?' he sits up, stretching his arms.
Dan grunts, not trusting himself to speak but he stops suddenly and very suspiciously says, 'Were you awake this whole time?'
The man looked at him sheepishly. Idiot. 'Yeah, but I pretended to sleep because I thought you didn't want to talk to me.'
Dan's repy is an exhausted sigh, feeling guilty. 'Okay, uh, we need to talk.' His heart is beating so fast, it feels like he just went for a jog.
Phil nods, looking at him intently and head tilting. Dan doesn't know where to start. He keeps stuttering until his stupid mouth works, 'Phil, you know you're like, the most important person in the world for me, right?' Phil grins, his palm rests on the top of Dan's hand. 'Same here.'
Dan swallows as he turns his hand so that he could intertwine their hands. Holding hands, it's not really new for them. 'And this friendship, it–it saved me. You saved me.'
Phil doesn't say anything, just staring at Dan with the most patient look in his eyes. Dan continues, 'I don't want to like, give a speech or some shit, which is a first,' he chuckles uncomfortably. 'I just want to say that what I, what I feel for you couldn't possibly be expressed into words. I know I don't say it often, but I love you.' He pauses, then looks at Phil, holding his breath.
'I love you, too Dan.' Phil says softly, looking at him like his best friend just hasn't profess his love for him. Dan just stares at him, mouth going agape. 'No, I–' he stops, 'I don't think you understand, I'm freakin' in love with you, I think I have been since I was 18, I don't fucking know. I just, I needed you to know.' he finishes lamely.
Phil just smiles, kisses the palm of his hand, and says, 'I know.'
Dan's mouth dropped. 'Did you just Han Solo me, you arse?'
Phil just laughs, then looks at him, eyes twinkling. 'Well, I knew you felt the same way, at least I hoped. But I understood that you needed time to well, say it.'
'Well, why didn't you say anything then?' Dan demands, feigning annoyance. Phil just stares at him blankly, 'I have! Numerous times!' He yelps out.
'Why didn't I know?'
'Cause you're dense?' Dan smacks him on the head, making Phil squeaks a half-hearted "ow!"
Dan pauses for a moment, Phil's words sinking into him. He looks at his socked feet and whispers, 'You really feel the same way?' He asks, then immediately feels stupid.
But Phil gives him the same soft look Dan knows that is reserved for him, only for him and Dan honestly melts, and suddenly it doesn't matter. All that matters is him and Phil. He doesn't care if people found out at first; the love that just leaks out of him whenever he's with him, and even when he's not – it doesn't fucking matter because this? This moment, this life was his and Phil's alone. What matters is Phil and him, and him and Phil. Phil replies, 'Of course. Always have been.'
Dan's smile widens, feeling giddier than he had for months. 'Sorry for not realising it sooner.'
'That's okay,' Phil says, kissing his forehead. Dan feels the tingle spreads throughout his body. He curls his toes when Phil leans in and rests their foreheads together. 'Can I kiss you?' The older man asks bluntly.
Dan's cheeks hurt from smiling. 'Duh.'
Their lips were almost touching when Phil stops and looks at Dan seriously and says, 'Wait, there's something I need to confess first.'
Anxiety grips Dan's heart but he ignores it. 'What?'
'I'm dans_eyelash on Tumblr.'
There was a beat of silence, and then Phil screaming in distress, and chuckling after.