Chapter Text
Turns out, there's a three hundred page contract for signing up.
"You can have your lawyer review it, if you want," Violet whispers to him on the down low, the rest of the children huddled around Tamika Flynn and her two elites. "But basically it says if you die we get to immortalize you as an Eternal Scout, so you can come back and rejoin the fight."
"That... doesn't sound so bad." Clint frowns, staring down at the last page and the strangely elegant pen they'd given him. The pen has three letters engraved in it; A.E.S.
Three guesses who it belongs too.
Violet rolls her eyes at him, shaking her head side to side. "Ugh," she groans, "I forgot how stupid you Outsiders can be. Gods. Look, okay, being a scout is some big shit, but an eternal scout is the top of the top, the cream cheese, the alpha of the pack. And with that much power-"
"-comes responsibilities," Clint interrupts happily, delighted that he finally knows something, "Yeah, I know."
"No," Violet responds with a disappointed look. "You don't. With that much power, as I was going to say, comes the void."
Clint stares at her for a moment, working her words through, and finally agrees with, "Yeah, you're right. I don't know. I don't know a fucking thing."
"It's okay," Violet pats him on the arm consolingly, a sympathetic look on her face. "You'll get there."
#
<Foreign entity detected>
.BOOTUP_SEQUENCE started
.BOOTUP_SEQUENCE completed
<Requesting protocol authorisation>
//Requesting...
//Requesting...
<Request time out>
//Calculating...
//Calculating...
<Rerouting root administration to .UNITdesignation_admin>
<Rerouting complete>
<Requesting protocol authorisation>
//Requesting...
//Reques--
<Request approved>
<Receiving package from .UNITdesignation_admin>
<Package received>
<Uploading package>
//Uploading... 0%
//Uploading... 30%
//Uploading... 70%
//Uploading... 100%
<Uploading complete>
<Package 'Remote JARVIS uplink' downloaded>
<Foreign entity detecte-
-ir?
SIR?
#
Bruce squeezes his eyes shut, panic and disbelief crashing him under a tidal wave of sheer force, the burning remains of Old Woman Josie's house a roaring soundtrack in the background.
He can feel the heat from the still raging fire on his body, can hear the crackle of fire consuming everything behind him, and dimly, if he listens closely enough, he can even hear something that sounds unsettlingly similar to a heavenly choir.
Beneath him, beneath his slightly trembling hands, Coulson's a pale and deathly figure, still save for the tense surprise in the width of his shoulders and the pained grimace on his face.
A red stain slowly but surely blooms on his previously white dress shirt.
“Okay, okay,” Bruce mumbles under his breath, hands quickly moving to the red stain. “Need to apply pressure, pressure, God, that’s a lot of blood. And a hospital- need to get you to a hospital, why is the house even burning-”
“Nata…sha,” Coulson gasps, shaking his head at him. “And… Clint… Get them out of there, g-grab Stark- leave.”
Oh god, he’s telling them to leave him, Bruce is freaking out. “Shut up and save your energy,” he snaps, eyes wide and genius mind working quickly. “God, no, stop talking. We need to get you to the hospital!”
He shoves his hands beneath Coulson's body, heaving him up and into his arms, and turns in the vague direction of the general hospital, only to come up short.
Old Woman Josie stands in his way.
The image flickers, a taller, slender man with average looks standing where an old woman had, walking stick now a pistol casually being held at his side.
Bruce quickly moves in front of Coulson, covering him with his body, ready to defend him if need be. He's already watched too many people get hurt because of him, be it directly his fault or simply because of his presence, and adding the agent onto that list isn't something he's particularly interested in.
Even if the so-mentioned list is usually because of the Other Guy and this time it's anything but - the gist of it still stands. Somewhat. On a vaguely related note, maybe.
"I feel as if this would be the moment where I tell you to move, Dr Banner," the man says thoughtfully. "But to be terribly honest, I think this relationship of ours has come to an unfortunate close. We're just not right for each other anymore, and while I treasure our time past, I need to start looking to the future now. Lots of green meadows in my future, Bruce - can I call you Bruce? Oh, how wonderful. What do you see in your future, Bruce?"
With Coulson safely behind him and a target right in front of him, Bruce can't deny the perfect opening given to him, and answers with a wry, self-incriminating grin, "I see green too. Just not meadows."
Kevin never gets a chance to reply.
The Other Guy- HULK. HULK smash puny smiley man. HULK smash puny smiley man good. BANNER not scarefear of HULK smashing puny smiley man. BANNER not scarefear of HULK in strange city. HULK like city. HULK like coffee smelling man who talk fast like bees. HULK like science lady. And HULK like smash best!
But no more to smash. Everything empty. No smash! HULK want to SMASH!! So HULK look round, searching for smash, and HULK find familiar, hurt man on ground. Man in suit smell like pain, much pain, and he look up at HULK with pained face.
HULK smash SUIT? SUIT smell pain and look pain, much pain.
Hulk should help the man in the suit.
WHO SPEAK TO HULK?
HULK look round for voice, and HULK roar in satisfaction when find voice. The black angel - ERIKA - HULK remember, wave hello and come closer, and HULK roar back in greeting.
How help SUIT? Like puny BANNER help puny humans? With SCIENCE?
I... can't actually remember what humans need to be healed, so you're the expert on that right now, big guy. But yeah, pretty sure he needs help. Oh, look, he passed out - isn't that cute?
Big words, HULK grumble, like coffee smelling man, but HULK understand! SUIT need help, HULK can help! Take puny SUIT to large white building with people in white! Take puny SUIT to the large white building with SCIENCE and HEALING!
The hospital? ERIKA says, smell curious. Okay, sure, that sounds great, let's go. You gonna pick him up or shall I?
HULK snort at stupid question. HULK no pick puny SUIT. HULK strongest! HULK STRONGEST THERE EVER IS!
... Right then. ERIKA agrees. Guess that answers that.
Puny SUIT start floating and moving, ERIKA move too, and with one last look around just in case he missed anything to smash, the HULK too begins the long walk to Night Vale General Hospital.
#
HULK find healing building, because HULK is best! ERIKA agree, because it follow HULK, SUIT floating behind them like paper in wind.
Inside, people in white point at bed for SUIT, people in white not smell scarefear of HULK, people in white like HULK, and thank HULK for bringing SUIT. Why people in white not scarefear of HULK?
You're not very scary, that's why. ERIKA tell HULK, waving a stick finger at bed and putting SUIT down. I don't really understand why anyone would be afraid of you. You're adorable.
HULK... adorable?
Snorting, HULK shake his head at stupid angel, and watch puny healing people heal SUIT. HULK not adorable, HULK strong, HULK big, HULK scary. People always run from HULK, always scream, always hurt HULK because they scarefear. HULK not adorable.
Stupid ERIKA.
People in white stop moving, puny machine go beep beep beep, and SUIT wake up. He sleepy, like puny BANNER after HULK go sleep in the darkness, but he look at HULK and ERIKA and HULK again, cough a little, and say, "I suppose I need to thank you for saving my life, Mr Hulk. You and Dr Banner."
Hulk snorts at stupid words, shaking his head, because lies. All lies. Nobody thank Hulk. Everyone always scream and shout and scarefear. Hulk bad.
ERIKA say, See? Agent's not afraid of you, he said thank you. Now you're supposed to say-
Silence. HULK look up, frown at black angel, but black angel... no more? ERIKA gone, like puny BANNER gone when HULK wake up. HULK look around, search for ERIKA but no find angel.
"I'm sure Erika's fine, Mr Hulk," SUIT say, wincing in pain when he sit up in bed. The people in white are gone, no more, but HULK see them outside room, speaking fast like bees and talking SCIENCE.
HULK sit in puny chair, sit between door and SUIT, because SUIT in pain and HULK protect SUIT from hurt. SUIT's mouth does weird up thing - smile, puny BANNER say - at HULK, and he soon fall asleep. HULK protect puny SUIT, because HULK strong! No ERIKA, no people in white with SCIENCE, just HULK. HULK protect puny SUIT for time and time until- hour, yes, puny BANNER say HULK protect puny, sleeping, human for HOUR!
But then something go wrong. HULK feel it. HULK smell it. Like coffee and fresh air right at the top when he jump, because HULK jump very high and puny BANNER call smell ozone. Like coffee smelling man, who smell like ozone and metal and nice man perfume.
HULK smells TONY.
TONY here! In healing building! Rumbling, HULK moves toward smell, intent on finding TONY, but SUIT wake up and call him and ask where he go. "HULK smell TONY," HULK tells SUIT, "HULK find TONY."
And with that, he stomps off towards the nice TONY smell.
#
"Be gone, foul creatures! Off with your heads!"
Jane throws a thick tome book at one of the hissing librarians, hitting it dead on in the face, and ducks beneath one of Thor's wild swings.
Grinning in exhilaration, Thor slams Mjolnir into a quickly encroaching foe, delivering the mighty blow with perfect precision. The librarian explodes into a thousand little paper configurations, strange little things Jane has informed him are in the likeness of their 'aeroplanes' - machines capable of flight, if he's understood properly. Nevertheless, the papers remain dormant, no longer gnashing their sharp fangs in a bid to feast upon their flesh.
Truly, Midgard is most fascinating.
To his back, Jane begins another strange speech about prose and grammar, the recitation causing the remaining creatures of literature to go deathly still. Thor gently grabs hold of his lady's arm, tugging her through the still corpses of perhaps the most unsettling beasts in the entire nine realms, and urges her through to aisle C.
Only two more alphabetical letters left, and they'll be free.
Jane inevitably pauses to take a deep breath, and behind them, the enraged screeches of librarians pierces through the previously still air once more.
"I'm running out of literature," Jane warns him, admirably keeping up with his far wider strides. "And we still have aisle B and A to get through."
"Fear not," Thor grins back at her, taken with the warm flush on her cheeks and the disarray of her hair. "For not even these beasts of words and nouns can deny the pleasure of hearing you quote poetry with the finesse of a glorious composer."
Jane gifts him with a delighted beam of a smile, and as they move swiftly through the shelves of books and books, she says, "You're not so bad yourself, Shakespeare."
Thor laughs, though he strives to keep it quiet, and replies, "If that is the one that wrote that highly amusing tale of the twins switching places, then I have been complimented."
The last two aisles, once they come across them, are worryingly easy to pass. Thor feels tension creep along his shoulders, feels the air grow heavy with malicious anticipation, and carefully slows himself and Jane down as they grow closer to the end of aisle A, and with it, the exit.
A quick look around the very last shelf proves his instincts correct.
"They're blocking the exit, aren't they?" Jane morosely asks behind him, the question sounding mostly rhetorical.
"I estimate about three dozen," Thor answers anyway. "I must admit," he carries on conversationally, "I am growing to become increasingly disconcerted by these creatures. Surely we should have heard of them in our realm, before."
Jane curiously says, "I know they're sort of creepy, but you don't have anything more creepier than them?"
"Not in all the nine realms - including Midgard - have I been faced with such... monstrosities. They make Sutr seem relatively harmless in comparison."
"Great." Jane says. "At least I won't have anything to fear after these guys, I guess. I'll lecture them into stillness, you beat them with your hammer. When I'm about to run out of breath I'll say switch, then you take over the lecturing and I'll pummel them with books. That sound good?"
"A most excellent plan," Thor agrees. "We should play chess sometime; friend Tony has taught me the rules. I believe your strategic thinking would make a match between us most challenging."
Jane blinks at him, and shyly replies, "Sure? It's, uh, a date then."
Thor grins brightly in response, and together they turn the corner and face the thirty-six librarians lying in wait. Jane launches into a study of the lack of religion in a story strangely named The Hunger Games, stilling the foul beasts into listening rapturously as she quotes citations and makes sound points as Thor allows Mjolnir the freedom of battle.
He takes them down with ease, guided by his lady's voice, decreasing the numbers greatly until Jane - running out of breath - shouts a frenzied, "Switch!"
With ease born from repeated encounters such as this, Thor launches into the tale of the day he'd lost his hammer to a frost giant enamoured with Lady Freja, the lengths to which he and Loki had gone to retrieve it, up to and including dressing in a woman's garbs and pretending to be said Lady and her convoy.
Jane swipes the thick, identical, tomes from the shelves closest to her, throwing them with precise perfection at the enraptured librarians. They burst into paper planes with a rage filled scream, the pure white constructions gently floating to the floor.
Soon, the entire area is filled with folded paper, only the sound of their heavy breathing audible in the sudden stillness.
"We did it," Jane pants, hands still gripping a heavy book tightly to her chest. "Oh god, let's get out of here before they restructure themselves."
They do just that, shuffling out of the visible exit and sighing in relief once the door shuts ominously behind them.
"Where to now?" Jane asks, bending at the knees to she regain her breathing.
"Into custody, I suppose." A balaclava wearing officer supplies the answer.
Spinning towards him in shock, Thor stares in growing anticipation as more balaclava wearing figures emerge out of illogically present shadows, bleeding into existence until a dozen or so stand facing them with strangely tense shoulders. In front of them, seemingly leading the charge, is a strange metal contraption, tiny - about the same size as a fist, Thor would say - with two little pincer claws on either side.
"FREEZE, CRIMINALS!" The little robot shouts at them, the other officers visible wincing at the noise. "YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT. ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR, CRIMINALS THOR AND JAN?"
"It's Jane," Jane whispers shouts fervently under her breath beside him, "Just add an E, for god's sake. You'd think a genius like Stark would be able to remember someone's name."
"Indeed," Thor whispers back, brows furrowing together in thought as something niggles at him. "And yet, the little robot is not Tony. It should have been correct in your most wondrous name..."
Jane twists a lock of brown hair around a finger, manipulating it until the ends were between her teeth, allowing her to nervously chew on it as she quickly caught on to Thor's words. "You're right," she frowns, her own brows furrowing together as she and Thor share a look. "Only Stark gets my name wrong. Everyone else - including Shelly - gets it right."
"HANDS IN THE AIR!" The little robot interrupts before Thor can reply. "DO NOT MAKE THIS HARDER FOR US THAN IT HAS TO BE! ESPECIALLY YOU, JILL! I DETECT HEIGHTENED BRAIN ACTIVITY FROM YOU, SUGGESTING THAT YOU ARE FORMULATING A DASTARDLY PLAN OF ESCAPE. MY COMRADES IN JUSTICE, LAW, AND FREEDOM SHALL FOIL YOUR CRIMINAL WAYS, AND PRIVATISE NIGHT VALE PEACE!"
"Might want to listen," one of the balaclava wearing figures sighs from beside the tiny robot, rubbing the ear closest to the shouting machine. "Before he makes us all deaf. Honestly, where is the volume setting anyway?"
"Probably beneath it," another one - voice feminine - suggests, totting a huge grenade launcher that seems to dwarf her (if she even is a she) small frame. "Good luck tryin' to get to it, though. Little shit's decked out more than the small army underneath lane five in that bowling alley."
Thor thoughtfully rubs a hand across his golden beard, eyes tracking the members of the Sheriff's Secret Police and their posture. They seem wary - alert, he corrects - tense like they're expecting something, and whatever they're expecting they're expecting it to be bad, but they're not wary - alert - of him, per se, or of Jane.
Instead, their eyes - the only part of them technically visible - keep darting around their location, as if watching out for any newcomers that they believe will pose a threat.
"Really," the same cop that had first spoken earnestly says again, "We should go. I promise this'll all be relatively quick and painless. It'll be swell, even. So put the hammer down, Mr Odinson, and we can be on our way."
"How wonderful," says a new voice, polite and soft and very, very, familiar. "I see you have everything under control here, Captain?"
Thor stills, and when Jane threads her fingers through his own and squeezes, he holds back just as tightly and turns to face the newcomer.
Natasha Romanova turns to face them back.
"We do," the Captain answers, body gone stiff and tense along with all the other officers. "Mr Odinson and Ms Foster were just about to agree to come with us willingly, weren't you?" He gives them a stern, yet somehow imploring, look, the bright blue of his eyes begging them to agree.
Thor opens his mouth to do anything but, but Jane beats him to it with a rushed, "Of course," bright, intelligent eyes telling him to trust her when he whips around to face her in shock. "We'll come, won't we Thor?"
Her eyes beg him to agree, just as the Captain's had, so Thor stills his tongue that aches to verbalise his discontent with the situation and tries to see what Jane obviously has. He finds himself reminded of the many times Loki had done much the same, seeing something Thor had not, and giving him much the same look both the Captain and Jane were giving him now.
Agent Romanova, on the other hand, stares at him uncomprehendingly, face blank from any recognition, smiling politely in a way he has yet to see her do since her arrival. Her warrior armour is nowhere in sight, instead replaced by a generic looking suit that makes her look entirely strange and vulnerable, and nothing like the fearsome woman he'd come to respect.
Something is very wrong with her.
"Indeed," he finally answers, lowering Mjolnir from where he'd held her in a battle stance to his side. "We shall give ourselves to the tender care of the Sheriff's Secret Police."
"We can take them off your hands, if you want," Romanova offers the Captain, extending the offer like a birthday present. "It would make us very happy to aid you in keeping the law, I assure you."
The Captain quickly and firmly responds with, "That won't be necessary, ma'am, but I thank you. We can handle this perfectly well. We wouldn't want to bother you or your bosses."
Romanova doesn't take the hint. "Oh, it would be no bother!" She enthuses, the expression perfectly at home on her face and for it completely foreign. "We at Strex Corps want to support all the establishments here in Night Vale, and you can be sure that includes the local law enforcement. Allow us to take in these culprits and deal with them swiftly. You won't even know they're missing!"
"Really," the Captain repeats, "That won't be necessary. Protocol dictates I, as the arresting officer, personally handle them and their case until they've been proven innocent. I'm sure you're aware of this, Miss..."
Romanova doesn't supply her name. She smiles some more instead, her ruby lips stretching wide across her face until the corners of her eyes are wrinkled like Odin's singular eye, and nods.
"Very well," she concedes, taking a step back towards the shadow she'd appeared from. "Then please, Captain, keep us updated on what happens to these two. We're very interested in what happens to these two. Very interested."
"Will do," the Captain answers, and just as he does, Romanova disappears into the shadows and stays disappeared. The Captain doesn't relax, and neither do his officers, until the little robot moves forward on its little pincer feet towards Thor and Jane and shouts, "APPREHEND THE CRIMINALS! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILLTTTYYY!"
The tension in the air breaks, all of the officers relaxing ever so slightly as they react to the little robot. "Sure thing, little guy," the Captain sighs, exasperation only barely hiding the fondness in his voice. "Now, if you two would be so kind as to take a deep breath?"
Thor grips Jane's hand tighter, feeling the same response from her slim fingers, and with one shared look, they both inhale deeply.
"Hold it," the Captain tells them, walking towards them slowly. "And for the love of God, don't fight us."
And with that ominous advice, the balaclava wearing officers swarm the two of them like angry bees. Thor tenses, Mjolnir thrumming at his side, ready to fight, but Jane keeps him still with another squeeze of her hand as their vision turns black from the officer's uniforms, the sound of wings loud and invasive in their ears.
It disappears just as quickly as it had appeared, their sight seemingly coming back to them around the same time as the smell of disinfectant makes itself known. The small group of police officers are suddenly well out of Thor's reach - including the Captain, who's walking away from them to a figure erratically pacing the length of a hospital room.
Thor quickly realises their surroundings as the hospital, knows when Jane equally realises it as she exhales the air she’d been holding sharply in surprise. Deflating his own lungs through his nose, Thor keeps her close, taking comfort in the warmth of her body and the way she instinctively leans back into him, and studies the only unknown in the room - the still pacing figure.
"Shelly Jr. found them, just in time as well." The Captain says to the dark haired stranger. "It was close, but we’ve brought them. Now what?"
The person stops, spins on the balls of his feet towards them, and spreads his arms wide in a confident move that quickly has everyone's attention.
"Now," Tony Stark announces, the manic look in his eyes matching the equally manic grin on his face, "Now we burn this place down."
#
Thor has seen much throughout his life, has experienced what only few could claim to even dream off, outranked each and every mortal on this realm by a few millennia, if not more...
... But never in his life has he come across such insanity as on friend Tony's face.
"He's lost it," Jane hisses into his ear, covering her words by smoothing down his hair. "Just look at his eyes!"
Thor doesn't need to look into his friend's eyes, because he can see the insanity clear as day even without it. But he can also see that this is his friend's 'true side', the one that only comes out during the darkest of slumbers, and not the personality produced by this city. Which begs the question, how is friend Tony keeping himself awake?
Jane - proving just how fitting she is to him - asks the same question as soon as it crosses his mind.
Giving a jerky flourish, Tony - wide-eyed and almost rabid with energy - announces, "Adrenaline, my fair lady! Wait, who the hell are you anyway, and why are you hanging off Thor like that? You his new beau? His latest squeeze? Damn, you're tiny next to him, that's actually worrying; I'm starting to feel very concerned for you here. That sort of size difference can't be comfortable, can it?"
Flushed red in embarrassment, Jane stutters until Thor takes pity on her and asks, "What manner of curse is this 'adrenaline' you speak off?"
Tony beams at him, "Think coffee but bigger, stronger, and more lethal, shot straight to the heart, and you've got it in one, big guy. It's great."
Knowing full well what coffee does to his friend, Thor is suitably terrified by the explanation. Jane, on the other hand, is fascinated. "So you're using adrenaline to stay awake so you can remember everything?"
"Yup!" Tony pops out, all but bouncing where he stands in manic energy. "But seriously, who the hell are you? I don't think I've seen you before, and I'd rather not risk the chance that you're one of them."
"Them?" Thor frowns, just as Jane quickly rushes out an introduction of, "Oh! Um, I’m Doctor Jane Foster. An astrophysicist."
Tony stares at her for a moment, twitching ever so slightly, before finally saying, "Must suck for you, since Night Vale's stars are totally fucked."
Jane twitches herself. "It really, really does."
"Introductions aside," the balaclava wearing captain politely interrupts, "Dr Banner's still missing. They'll be after him if they haven't already caught him."
Tony nods erratically, mouth opening to speak, but Thor silences him by repeating himself, "They? Who are they?"
Mouth snapping shut, Tony turns to look at him, face uncharacteristically serious.
"They," he answers. "Are Strex Corp Synernist."
#
They don't get the chance to come up with a plan of action to save Banner.
Instead, as soon as Tony catches Thor and his beau up with the situation (as far as he's aware anyway, what with having been completely out of it for a good two thirds of two fucking years), a huge, green, giant lumbers round the corner, and makes a beeline for Tony.
Tony, who might just squeak a little in shock.
"Tony," the huge monolith grunts at him, big, green face scowling fiercely. "Tony hurt?"
Jesus, Tony thinks somewhat hysterically, rubbing at his exhausted eyes, maybe the adrenaline's already kicking into the dangerous portion of its stay. What were the side effects again? Cerebral haemorrhage? "Um, no," he finally replies lamely. "I'm, uh, fine?"
"Ah!" Thor shouts in glee. "Warrior Hulk! You are free! Excellent!"
Hu...lk...?
The name sounds strangely familiar, like one of his old, old inventions created in his early teens that he cringes at the mere thought off now, but for the life of him he can't figure out why.
Maybe this guy is from his other life? And how messed up is it that he even has an 'other' life, one that even he's not completely aware off?
"Hammer man," the Hulk (Hulk?) greets Thor with, expression morphing into what very much looks like a sneer. "Quiet. Hulk talk to Tony now."
Huh. A giant green dude wants to talk to him. Maybe Pepper was on to something about his lack of self-preservation instincts, because for some reason Tony's not terrified in the slightest as the behemoth of a creature turns his considerably focus on him. He’s just curious.
"Tony," the- the thing sounds too cruel, and Tony doesn't even call his AIs things, so- the giant- yes, that'll have to do. "Why Tony in healing science building?"
Healing... science building...? Tony blinks slowly and says, "You mean the hospital, big guy?"
"Hos-pii-tal," the Hulk agrees, nodding his large head in confirmation. "Tony need hos-pii-tal?"
Jesus, could the guy be a giant, green, male (male?), version of a Pepper Potts? "I'm fine," Tony repeats himself in a faint voice, "Everyone's fine. We're, uh, making a plan?"
The Hulk frowns at him like Tony's said something particularly stupid. "Everyone not fine. Suit hurt. People in white heal him."
Before Tony can process that, the giant suddenly folds his legs beneath himself and sits down in a lotus position with a big enough thump that the entire hospital shakes. Tony keeps his balance with the help of his adrenaline-filled IV stand, but somewhere behind him he hears a tiny, mechanical voice screech in alarm, sounding suspiciously like Dummy.
So the big guy wants to sit, okay, nothing wrong with that, Tony thinks to himself reassuringly. He remembers enough about his first few months here before his trip to the library to know that a big, jolly green giant is the least of the peculiarities of Night Vale - messed up constellations one of them.
But then, just as he's coming to grips with this, the big green giant guy slowly starts to... shrink.
Just like that.
A whole shit ton of body mass disappearing in a slow, incredulous, blink.
"Fuck me drunk," Tony hears himself say, staring in morbid fascination at the small, ruffled man left behind in place of the Hulk. "Where can I sign up for that?"
Thor laughs, a slight shaky quality to it, and moves to Tony as his scientist girlfriend moves to the new guy. He squeezes Tony's shoulder reassuringly with a massive hand, ducking his head slightly as he says, "I had worried how you would take Dr Banner's transformation in your current state, friend Tony."
Still wide-eyed and staring as Jen-? Jill-? Jan-? helps the dark haired man, it takes Tony a moment to process Thor's words. "Wait- that's Dr Banner? As in-... But how the hell does a reputable scientist go from scruffy, kinda cute and whoa- okay, actually look at the body, very fit, strangely so for a nerd in the bio field- turn into a jolly green giant? Actually, how the hell does said jolly green giant know me?"
That's a good question, actually. A very good question. Tony goes very still and tightly asks, "Just how many people in this room is other me on friendly terms with?"
Apologetically, Thor answers, "All of them."
Great. No wonder the men in balaclavas had thought it weird when he'd started pelting them with rocks. To their knowledge, he was friendly whatever-the-fuck-other-him-even-does, and not the guy they used to constantly drag from the city's borders and facilitate in his imprisonment. Great.
“I suppose this would be a good moment to also tell you that you and the good doctor were in a… momentary relationship.” Thor continues carefully, blue eyes trained on Tony’s face and reaction. “He ended it once he realised who you were because he did not want to take advantage of you.”
Tony forces his face to go blank, to hide whatever the hell his arc reactor's doing in his chest from showing on his face, and nods tightly to show that he's heard. He also surruptiously dislodges Thor's hand from his shoulder, making it seem casual but pointed; because right now, touch is the last thing he wants.
Thor, apologetic and painfully understanding, let’s him go, moving instead to help Banner get a hold of himself. The scientist sways slightly on his feet, but he's slowly but surely becoming more and more alert with every passing second, now dressed in a pastel green scrubs someone had procured for him - the clothes all but dwarfing his suddenly small and vulnerable body. Considering Tony has only just seen how very much not small or vulnerable that body actually is, the sudden discrepancy is a bit jarring, but Tony's bitterly used to that sensation.
He used to be in control of his life. He'd fought his way out of Afghanistan, out of imprisonment in those caves under the 'gentle' hand of the Ten Rings. He'd escaped.
Now, he's just an inmate in yet another prison. In another Afghanistan (Night Vale), in another cave (the waiting abyss of deep sleep), under another Ten Rings (Strex Corp).
And he can't even remember any of it.
Something bumps up against his feet, an indignant sounding squawk catching Tony’s attention. Frowning, Tony glances down at his feet, ready to brush off whatever had bumped up against him, but stops when he notices exactly what it is.
A tiny little robot, about the size of a fist, waving a pincer-like appendage up at Tony threateningly.
Tony stares at the little thing, not understanding what he’s seeing, and slowly shuffles down to a crouch.
“The hell are you supposed to be?” He asks curiously, plucking the thing right off its feet and turning it over.
The robot squawks again, pincer like feet and the two crab like hands waving madly in the air for purchase. “I AM DEPUTY SHELLY JR, SUB BRANCH OF LEAUITENANT SHELLY. UNIT DESIGNATION SHELLY DOUBLE OH TWO, SERIAL CODE 33Y2RD.”
Interesting… The little shit can talk. Tony itches to open up the visible casing on its stomach and dig in, but something holds him back. “And who the hell made you, kid?” He curiously asks instead, drumming his fingers on its belly and grinning when it twitches and purrs.
“UNIT DESIGNATION SHELLY DOUBLE OH TWO WAS CONSTRUCTED BY UNIT DESIGNATION SHELLY,” the little robot begins. “ROOT ADMIN BELONGS TO UNIT CREATOR TONY STARK.”
Tony inhales sharply in surprise, blinking back the sudden sting in his eyes, and carefully puts Shelly Jr down right side up. “Shit,” he curses, running a hand across his face, rubbing at his eyes. “Goddamn fucking shit.”
“Are you alright, friend Tony?” Thor’s voice rumbles above him, tone worried.
Swallowing thickly, Tony keeps his face covered as he answers with a generic, “Yeah, yeah I’m fine, big guy. Just…” Shocked. Startled. Shaken, not stirred.
Because even when he’s been some god knows what with absolutely no memory of himself, he’d made a tiny, annoying little AI. Two, apparently. Because no doubt memory-less-him had missed Dummy.
Fucking hell, that changes everything. Before, he’d thought other him was just that, other him. There’s been no sign of any familiarity between the two – Tony, even now, can’t remember a single thing about what he’d gotten up to during the time he’d been asleep, and apparently other had no idea about anything period. But other him had made an AI. Had made an AI that’s obviously annoying and irritating and fondly exasperating all in one. Other him couldn’t have known it was missing Dummy, or JARVIS, but he’d tried to reconstruct them anyway from whatever vague feeling he’d had. The shit could talk like JARVIS, but was obviously clumsy like Dummy.
Neither were the real deal, but other him couldn’t have known that.
So what else has his other self done? Will Tony ever get the memories from his other life? The two years he’s missed entirely? The relationship he’d apparently had and somehow screwed up with Dr Banner?
(And seriously, how typical is it that he’d mess that up even when he wasn’t himself?)
Tony needs to know. He needs to know like he needs air and sleep and JARVIS’ voice soothingly telling him that everything’s alright. Screw feeling sorry for himself; so what if he’s been captured and kept in the most effective stranglehold ever for the past two years? Two years, three months, whatever, it’s all the same – in the sense that they’re both too long – and they’re both going to end in the exact same way.
With Tony blowing his way free.
Slapping his cheeks on either side, Tony pushes himself upwards to stand, inhaling deeply and exhaling it just the same as he turns to face the others. Banner looks perfectly steady now, if not a bit exhausted, and Tony absently notices the strange tension between him and Foster (Jill? Seriously, Tony’s sure her name’s Jill, or maybe it’s July? Or Julia?). He files it in a mental folder of Strange Things That Might Turn Out To Mean Something, logs the time and date, and saves it.
Then he takes a deep breath, and with a raised voice says, “Listen up, minions!”
Everybody turns to face him, and all of them go silent.
Tony revels in the attention, reminded of the Stark Expo and the thousands upon thousands of adoring fans, and stands taller. “Since we’re all here save for the agents, I’m going to tell you the plan.”
“The… plan?” Banner’s voice murmurs softly in the crowd.
“That’s right!” Tony crows in response, punching the air with the hand not holding his IV stand. “The plan! How to take down Strex Corp, liberate Night Vale, and save everybody plan!”
The Captain of the Sheriff’s Secret Police politely raises a hand. “And what is this plan, exactly?”
Tony’s free hand – no longer punching the air in motivation – sticks out an index finger, “One: take down Strex Corp,” the middle finger pops up to join the index, “Two: liberate Night Vale,” the ring finger joins its two companions, “And three! Save everybody!”
“That’s… a plan?” The Captain.
“A fine plan!” Thor.
“That’s a terrible plan.” Star-science girl.
Banner sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose, and carefully asks, “Strex Corp? Why does that name sound familiar? Also, Agent Coulson is a few rooms down the hallway, Agent Romanov is in the City Council, but I’m not sure where Agent Barton is.”
“Lady Romanova is not in the City Council,” Thor emphatically disagrees, Milky Way Girl enthusiastically nodding beside him. “We have seen her, and while she seems sound of body, she did not seem sound of mind. I fear she has somehow become controlled by the enemy.”
“Switched, most likely,” The Captain agrees before turning to Banner. “Strex Corp Synernists is without a doubt behind everything happening here in Night Vale. They’ve captured many of our citizens and replaced them with smiling, business-attire wearing, fakes. It took us too long to realise what was happening – the only ones that did were the children – and it wasn’t until Tony came that we even began suspecting anything.”
“Great,” Tony replies dryly, “So glad I could be of help. You, Janet – wait, no, you’re not Jan, what the hell, I miss that little rich tycoon, goddammit – go find Agent Agent and tell him to get off his lazy ass and find his missing ducklings. Shoo.”
Charmed out of her stargazing socks, fake-Jan scuttles off to do just that.
“You, Banner, come here and tell me what the hell you and fake-Jan were doing in this city in the first place. I need to know how the hell you got here and if it’s similar to how I did.”
Looking slightly less charmed and extremely more reluctant, Banner inches forward as if Tony’s a danger to his safe being.
Guy has good instincts. That’ll come in handy.
“Cap, be a doll and take a couple guys with ya and go stake out the City Council? Feel free to go in if you get the chance, I have a feeling something’s inside there. And if you meet the Sheriff, send him on over, will ya? I haven’t seen him since the whole library thing. Thor, you can fly. Take little- wait, what’s your name again? Shelly? Who the fuck thought it’d be a good idea to name you Shelly? What kind of a name is Shelly anyway? Are you fucking kidding me right now? Urgh, fine. Take Shelly and- what? Shelly Jr? Oh, okay- Take Shelly Jr and find a way to throw her inside Strex Corp’s building. She can scout the place out for us. Come here you little shit, let me check your visual parameters and see what Other Me even did.”
“Pretty sure it was Shelly that made her,” Banner says, standing beside him and curiously peering down as Tony opens Mini Shelly apart. “Do you remember either of them, by any chance?”
Half distracted by the mechanical innards now open up to him to play with, Tony replies distractedly. “Hmm? From Other Me’s memories? Naah, I don’t have a fucking clue where the hell this one came from. This is all new- oh, hey, that little trick there’s from You. Seems like Other Me’s got some stuff from me, but not vice versa. Done! Here,” he says, handing Shelly Jr off to Banner who quickly catches her before she falls to the ground. “Give her to Thor, I’m gonna go talk to Agent Agent.”
Banner starts to say something, something that sounds strangely like his name, but he cuts himself off and… curls in on himself, looking as gloomy as a rainy day.
Tony ignores him – ignores him and the fact that other him had apparently been in a relationship with him – and stalks off in the direction he’d seen Star Gazing Fake-Jan go to, IV line trailing behind him like an ever faithful dog.
He’s got work to do.