Chapter Text
She wasn't sure how long Varric and Fenris had let her cry. It was long past the time she had run out of tears, though. She felt a feather light touch on her back and she knew that it was Fenris' ever careful touch.
“I... I can't... we can't...” Hawke started before Varric spoke up.
“We aren't going to leave Sunshine to the Darkspawn and Spiders, Hawke,” Varric assured her as he picked up Bethany's staff and pack while Fenris picked up Bethany's body.
Hawke got the feeling that the two had discussed this while they had been giving her time to grieve. She followed behind them as they walked to a small alcove where a stone cairn had been built out of the rubble and rocks around them.
“She'll rest better here,” Varric said softly as Fenris laid Bethany carefully into her final resting place. Then Varric laid her staff and cloak over her. “I've got it from here. I'll take care of Sunshine now. Fenris, you take care of Jacqueline,” Varric added solemnly, showing he did know their given names. He just preferred not to use them necessarily.
Fenris nodded as he gently led Hawke out to set up Camp and to help her clean up. He was silent as he built a small fire and watched her. “He blames himself, you know,” he said softly to break the silence. “He told you about the expedition and talked you into joining as backers after all.” He was sitting opposite the fire, watching him through his hair.
Hawke looked up at Fenris and saw the look on his face, the one he usually had when he didn't want anyone to know what his feelings, and more importantly didn't want anyone to ask about them.
She realized this was hitting him hard, too. Both him and Varric. That it would also hit their friends who hadn't come along as well. Likely as hard as it would hit her. But not her mother, Leandra had already lost too many loved ones, this would devastate her. “And you? Who do you blame?” she asked softly breaking the sudden silence that had wrapped around them, they both needed someone right now. She needed someone to pull her out of her own head for a while, to help point her to where she needed to go and what she needed to do next.
Fenris looked shocked then shook his head. “Fully... I do not know. For once not magic, its likely what kept her going this long,” he admitted softly as he took a seat next to the fire. “I see where you and Varric could think you are to blame. But there are other factors that hold as much if not more weight,” he sighed and glanced back at where they'd left Varric as she took a seat next to him.
Hawke looked back as well and considered going to offer the Dwarf some help. She rethought that as she knew Varric had asked them to leave, meaning for once he wanted to be alone and not to talk to anyone.
“Bertrand for his betrayal, mostly. But also minor other things, like red lyrium, that I wasn't able to do more to help protect her, that The Mage didn't prepare us better or offer to come just in case. I'm sorry that you are carrying the weight of her death squarely on your shoulders, especially when there are so many 'what if's',” Fenris added softly as she laid down on her bedroll. “I promise... I will do better,” he vowed in an almost inaudible whisper as if he hadn't wanted anyone else to hear it.
It wasn't long after Hawke fell into a light almost sleep, one that kept her aware of what was going on around her but unable to truly act on it. Hours later Varric returned and sat on the far side of the fire.
He was quiet and subdued as he poked at the glowing embers. “You should rest. Its gonna be a rough few days to get out of here. I doubt any of us want to spend any more time in this Maker forsaken hole,” he grumbled, his expression hard and unreadable.
Fenris nodded and pulled out his bedroll to lay down. He didn't sleep, simply rested as Varric kept watch in sullen silence.
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The last week out of the Deep roads were the shortened to only six days due to the desperation of the smaller party. They had already cleared out this part of the path on the way down and nothing had come in behind them.
Varric sighed when the three exited the Deep Roads and found themselves in the middle of a forgotten niche in Hightown near the Blooming Rose. “Home Sweet Home, Finally. Wonder if that Bastard made it back to the city. Think I'd be that lucky?” he asked with a sigh and a shake of his head. He was trying hard to find his usual Demeanor.
“Just let me know when you find him,” hawk said through clenched teeth, her hands in fists at her sides.
“Trust me, you'll be the first one I tell,” Varric promised as he looked up at her. He sighed as he took a sudden interest in his feet for a few moments. “I'm sorry about what happened to your sister. I should have seen Bartrand's betrayal coming. I am going to catch that maggot if its the last thing I do,” he clenched his fists in determination before his demeanor softened again. “So I... guess you'll be heading home to tell the family?”
Hawke nodded and looked into the middle distance over Varric's head as she thought. “I don't have much of a choice. I can't put it off forever,” she sighed as she ran a hand through her hair.
Varric nodded “Not that it will help much, but remember, you're a wealthy woman now. It wasn't all for nothing,” he reminded her before turning and heading off in the direction of the Hanged Hawke watched his heavy steps as he headed through the streets. She continued staring well after he was gone, trying to think of how to break this to her mother.
She was so lost in thought she tensed and jumped lightly when she felt Fenris put his hand on her back. His touch was feather light yet firm, reminding her that she wasn't as alone as she thought. She smiled slightly when he began to lightly rub her back before he removed his hand.
“I don't believe standing here is going to make it any easier. If it is permitted... I would like to join you... for as long as you will allow it. I am not really sure what to do in situations like this,” he admitted softly as he looked from her to his bare feet.
Hawke looked up at him and smiled. She turned to face him and she took his hand into her own. “It is permitted,” she said softly, smiling despite the weight on her. “Though normally if you want to comfort someone, you don't need to ask if it is permitted, only ask how to help. Sometimes... just being there is enough, like now,” she explained. She wanted to say more but couldn't. Instead she released his hand and began to walk to her uncle's hovel.
Fenris watched her, his hands clenched at his sides as he watched her. He knew what she was facing, how close her mother was to her children. She would blame Hawke, putting even more guilt on Jacqueline's shoulders. He felt like he should help her., shield her from her mother's wrath. But he knew Hawke wouldn't let him. She was far stronger than most gave her credit for.
He rubbed the back of his neck as as he sighed and ran to catch up with her. He escorted her through Low Town to where they had been living and watched her go up the stairs and through the door. He ran his hand through his hair again and sighed as he imagined what it was like for Hawke. He shook his head before he walked the streets of Low Town back to “his” Mansion in Hightown.
By the next morning Jacqueline couldn't stand being in the small house. Her mother blamed her for Bethany's death and Gamlin only fueled the flames between Liandra and her oldest, and only surviving child.
She left at first light, with the pack of loot from the Deep Roads as well as the Forgotten Thaig. As she recalled Fenris had taken Bethany's pack with him.
She walked into the Hanged Man just after dawn. Most of the nightly drunkards had gone to bed and the day ones hadn't started their rounds so it was oddly quiet in the normally lively tavern.
Without stopping she walked up to Varric's “Suite” and kicked the bed as she dropped her pack unceremoniously onto the floor, filling the room with the resounding clatter of metal and whatnot.
“Maker's Balls, Hawke, You look like shit. What time is it anyway? Did you even sleep?” the Dwarf mumbled as he sat up, his prized chest hair on display with only his usual necklace to break it up.
“Get up, I won't have my mother in that house with that Leech of Society any longer than absolutely necessary. And no, I did not sleep. I listened to my mother crying and my uncle berating my Father, Sister, and Brother for dropping us into his lap. I am going to take back what is Mother's by right as quickly as possible, starting now,” she declared.
Varric sighed as he climbed out of bed, revealing he did at least have his pants on. He ran his hand through his hair before pulling it back into its customary ponytail. He sighed as he should have expected something like that. Loosing her sister had hit Hawke hard and telling her mother and uncle had likely not helped. He was starting to think that the Brooding Elf had the right idea in his trusting and relying on no one.
Speaking of Broody, “Go wake the Elf and help him haul the stuff he carried here while I wake up,” he grumbled.
Hawke glared at Varric for a few moments but nodded before grinning. “Only if you put a shirt on, A woman can only handle so much of your epic chest hair,” she teased with just a tiny spark of her old humor.
Varric looked up at her and grinned. “What? Don't want to give Broody yet another reason for his sulking? Though a little bit of jealousy may do him some good,” the Dwarf teased back.
Hawke smiled and shook her head as she waved him off., turning to leave the room.
It was a quick quiet walk from The Hanged Man to Fenris's Mansion due to the early hour. She hesitated for a moment before she finally knocked on the door.
She heard some movement before the door opened with a jerk and a growl from Fenris. She saw then the second topless male of her morning. She couldn't help but follow the swirling lines of his Lyrium markings as they crossed his olive toned skin and taunt muscles. If anything it made him look all the more deadly.
Fenris scowled as he opened the door, only to see a rather shocked looking Hawke. He looked confused and his scowled turned into a small, shy smile as he watched her cheeks color. “You do realize how early it is, Hawke?” he greeted her, sleep still evident in his already deep voice as he ran his hand through his hair.
Hawke blinked a few times as she felt herself blushing. She took a deep breath as she looked up into his deep green eyes.
Fenris sighed as he stepped aside and gestured for Hawke to step into the mansion. “Did you even sleep last night?” he asked before quickly adding, “You don't need to answer that. Feel free to rest. I imagine you will want to get started on removing yourself and your mother from your Uncle's toxic influence.”
Hawke nodded. “Varric sent me to get you and the rest of our findings so we can go through them and sell what we can't use. And no, I did not sleep. Returning home was far worse than I had thought it would be,” she admitted before she walked the stairs to the back rooms where she knew Fenris normally 'entertained', either himself or his select few guests. She noticed his tunic hanging in a corner, it looked quite a bit cleaner than when she'd last seen him, and realized he only owned the one set of clothes and his armor.
Fenris watched her and ran his hand through his hair, a sure sign of his frustrated with his inability to do anything. “I will get ready... while you rest,” he declared as she looked the most relaxed he'd seen her in days, if not ever, as she rested on the wooden bench.
He clenched his hands at his sides as he resisted the urge to brush a few errant strands of her hair from her face. He wanted to let her rest, to protect her from anything that would upset her, even when he knew she was more than capable of taking care of herself. He was unfamiliar with these emotions. Even though she had flirted with him from time to time, he wasn't really sure how she felt. Even still he wasn't truly free and he couldn't dare act on those impulses or feelings as it would be cruel to her. Not to mention that it would likely be the one thing that finally broke him. Instead he went and pulled on his mostly dry tunic and started pulling on the pieces of his armor, every now and then stealing glances to check on her.
“You keep glaring like that an I may burst into flames,” she said without opening her eyes. “I would ask whats weighing on your mind, but I know if I do you will only growl and walk away,” she admitted as she opened her eyes and sat up to stretch.
Fenris nodded and shrugged. “I would, but I was also thinking of letting you sleep a bit more sine you look like you need it,” He admitted softly with his shy smile returning.
Hawke blushed as she knew how rare it was for him to open up like that, to anyone. “Thank you, we should probably head out before Varric sends Isabella after us,” she teased.
He grumbled before going to where he had stored the packs from their adventure and offered one to Hawke. “I know I am not good with people. But if you need a place to sleep... Away from... whatever...” he started as he shifted awkwardly from foot to food no longer meeting her bright, crystalline turquoise blue eyes.
Hawke smirked as she looked at him, trying not to point out his nervousness or apparent embarrassment. “Fenris, are you offering me a place here... trying to help me?” she asked, making sure she understood the offer and his intentions.
The Elf shifted on his feet and a sigh left him. “I... I suppose I am. You do it all the time, without even thinking. You have already done so much for me and everyone around you, but you never ask for anything from your friends,” he pointed out as he rubbed his arm while he stared at their feet. "For the first time in my memory I have the ability to return the favor and to help you... a little... if you want it."
He jumped and his eyes shot up as he felt Hawke's light touch on his arm, a small smile, the first genuine smile he had seen in a few days. He looked down at her hand and gave her his own, small smile as he stopped fidgeting.
“I will keep that in mind, but for now, lets head to the Hanged Man or Varric really WILL send a search party... or worse yet lead a search party to find us,” she joked as she slid her hand from his arm as she headed out the door. She could hear him grab his sword before he followed her.
The two walked in companionable silence as both of them replayed the events of the morning in their minds, wondering what exactly had just happened between them, and where this left the two of them now.