Chapter Text
They all think they're so clever. So sneaky . A false sense of security, of course. It's nearly laughable how everyone seems to forget that Peter Parker isn't a typical teenage boy. And while he has nearly mastered tuning in and out of his environment at will, the rustling sounds down the hall at nearly 3AM definitely does not slip by him. In fact, he's out the door and in the hallway before he even has time to assess the situation.
Making his way down the hall, Peter hears the snick of the refrigerator door being opened. He hears the gentle scrape off friction as something is drug off the shelf. He unfortunately hears that awful sound the cabinet under the sink makes when opened- Nearly piercing as the hinge creaks in an ungodly way. Tony was supposed to have taken care of that but, well. It's Tony. ‘Nuff said.
Peter decides to give it ten seconds. He wants to catch the offender red-handed.
A valiant effort.
Too ambitious.
Too impatient.
Peter gives it three seconds.
He rounds the corner, flicks the light on, and narrows his eyes at Pepper who freezes, Oreo in hand, when she spots him.
Peter tilts his head, blinking rapidly with eyebrows raised expectantly. “ Pepper Potts. Are those Oreos? In the middle of the night?”
To her credit, Pepper's expression never wavers and neither does her gaze as she slowly lowers the Oreo into her glass of milk before bringing it up to eat. Around a mouthful of cookie she gives a defiant, “No.”
Peter crosses his arms across his chest and shoots her an unimpressed look. “There are perfectly healthy snacks in the fridge.”
“Those are day snacks,” Pepper defends as she eats another Oreo. “The night is for sinners.”
“Does Tony know?”
“Tony doesn't need to know everything, Peter.” The kid dramatically sucks in a breath, bringing a hand up to splay over his heart.
“How could you keep this secret from him? Does he know you're sneaking around at night? He would be devastated.”
Pepper rolls her eyes, eating another Oreo before turning away from him in order to snag the peanut butter jar from the counter behind her.
“How indeed,” Pepper muses, dipping another Oreo deep into the peanut butter jar. Peter scrunches his face up, mildly horrified and quietly says, “Well that's yours now.” Pepper doesn't deign to respond. Instead adding, “Two can keep a secret if one of us is dead.”
“I knew it!” Peter hisses, shoulders relaxing as he knee-jerk reaction points at her. “I did catch you watching trash ABC shows the other day! You thought I wouldn't notice, but I did.”
“Iconic,” Pepper says dryly. Digging another Oreo into the peanut butter, showing no signs of slowing down her snacking. Crumbs are collecting on the swell of her abdomen like some sort of plate. “I saw you walk in Peter. You're not Sherlock Holmes. You caught all of ten seconds of what I was watching and immediately knew that it was Pretty Little Liars. You can leave your accusations and judgements at the door.” She throws Peter an Oreo and he catches it with ease before twisting it apart and licking the frosting off first. The only correct way to eat an Oreo. Pepper is a heathen, eating it whole. Peter's tried to bring her to Jesus on the issue a hundred times but ultimately has accepted that she's a lost cause.
“So,” she continues. “Who do you think is A? I think it's Spencer. She's definitely the smartest of the group and kind of sketchy, don't you think?”
Peter rolls his eyes and steps further into the kitchen. “Okay, well first of all, you're about sixty years too late. Everyone already knows that A is actua-’
“Peter Parker, if you spoil this for me I swear to God I'll spoil the last episode of Game of Thrones. Yeah,” she says with a smug grin, head nodding mischievously. “I know you haven't seen it yet. Try me, Parker."
“You are a dark and evil woman, Pepper Potts.” He shakes his head sadly. Pepper plucks another Oreo out of the bag and pops it into her mouth as she shoots Peter a playful wink.
“Thanks, sweetheart.”
“It wasn't a compliment,” he grumbles petulantly, crossing his arms back over his chest as he steps further into the kitchen. Pepper reaches out and grabs him by the sleeve of his shirt and drags him closer to tuck against her side.
“I think it's my decision on how to take it, but okay Peter.” The kid snorts and Pepper hands him an Oreo. “Here, have another cookie.”
“I won't be drawn into your den of sin.” He lifts his nose, turns his head away from the cookie with a sense of theatrical righteousness. Pepper smirks, knows the kid is definitely tempted after having already eaten the one she'd offered earlier. “I won't be an accessory to this crime.”
“More for me,” she says with a grin before stepping away to get a better look at the kid. She raises a quizzical eyebrow as she slowly eats yet another Oreo. She's nearly done with the bag. “Were you this dramatic before you met Tony? Or is this a recent development? I definitely see his attitude in you. Gotta be rubbing off.” Peter gasps dramatically.
“How could you slander the father of your unborn child like that?”
Pepper hums to herself, amused. “With ease, actually.”
“Tony would be so disappointed if he were to walk out right now. What do you have to say for yourself, Miss Potts?” She tugs playfully at Peter's ear.
“The bag was half eaten when I snatched it from my secret stash. Who do you think got there before I did, Peter? You've run a tight ship since we brought baby on board but you've got a mutiny on your hands. Our little dictator.”
“And now you slander my name!” He tosses his arms up in the air, defeated as he steps further away from her. Pepper watches him in amusement while she continues to snack.
“This,” she begins, waving her hand in one sweeping circle, as if to encompass all of him. “This is definitely pre-Tony. It's a little off brand from Tony's usual theatrics. His attitude.”
“You're deflecting,” Peter huffs. That flare for drama.
“No,” Pepper says with a grin. “I'm eating.”
“No- Stop that. You're done here,” he pushes between her and the counter. “This is bad for the baby.”
“Mmm, when did you become an expert neonatal nutritionist?”
“Last night,” he says absently. “Now put down the Oreos and step away from the counter.”
Pepper puts her hands up in surrender and backs away slowly, watching with an amused grin as Peter puts everything back in order, eyeing the way he avoids the snack stash they both know is under the sink behind the trash bags and dish soap. She knows about his too, but tonight they'll both let it go. When the kid finally comes to a stop in front of her, dropping a snack pack of pre-packaged celery and ranch onto the counter, she raises an eyebrow in thinly veiled judgement.
“You first,” she dips her head towards the snack. Peter scrunches his nose in disgust, considering the situation but ultimately complying. He pulls one of the sticks from the package and gingerly dips it into the ranch. The expression he makes- The way his eye twitches when he takes the first bite, makes it hard for Pepper to keep her composure, to smother the laughter. When he finally finishes and let's his gaze flicker expectantly between Pepper and the rest of the snack she stands up straighter and schools her expression.
Pepper clears her throat, all false innocence, and says, “I can't eat that, Peter. Your hands have been all over it. The germs are bad for the baby. Sorry, sweetheart.” Before breezing past him she leans over and presses a kiss to his forehead and Peter can feel her smug grin as she does it. “Goodnight, Pete. Go back to bed.”
The mom to be sounds so pleased with herself, as if she’s some sort of chess master who’s just dominated her competitor and jesus christ. She is though, isn’t she? Pepper has played him like a fiddle without him even realizing it. Not only has she distracted him long enough for her to finish what she came for... she's also tricked him into eating a healthy snack . Pepper is too powerful and must be stopped.
"Devil woman," Peter mutters, a stage whisper.
Pepper's laughter echoes through the kitchen as she flicks the light off and waddles back off to bed.