Chapter Text
It takes Crowley a while to get Aziraphale to talk. He’s reluctant, hesitant, remains silent at first. So, Crowley gives up and leaves the apartment, buys food and drops by his friend’s place, does everything his brain is telling him he should but he can’t concentrate on anything but Aziraphale. He almost misses him already, he’s been gone two hours at most but some part of his mind yearns for him constantly. Your soul, a voice in his head whispers but he doesn’t believe that any part of the soulmates story was ever true. Instead, he feels dirty and used.
When he comes home, the first thing he does is take a shower. Clean himself on the outside while his insides stay tainted. He only looks at Aziraphale after he’s finished and enters his bedroom. It doesn’t seem as though he’s even moved a single muscle since Crowley left. He sits down next to him, cross-legged, his hair dripping water everywhere. Then he waits.
“You’re right,” says Aziraphale eventually, with a drawn-out sigh, like he’s ready to begin telling a long story. “I haven’t been honest with you. The truth is, I really do know you. Have known you – or of you – for centuries. You’re not just an ordinary human, and I know you have no reason to trust me or anything I say anymore and I’m also aware that this must sound very much unbelievable to you, but you, my dear Crowley, are an angel just as I am one.”
Crowley doesn’t say anything in response. He doesn’t want to engage in this, doesn’t want to make Aziraphale think that he can be convinced via another stupid made-up tale, that he’s willing to be drawn into whatever this is, whatever this whole mess truly turns out to be.
“I promise, I swear on everything that I am, on my very soul that I’m telling you nothing but the truth right now. You were- you used to be a glorious angel, you were one of the mightiest. Everyone admired you for your willpower and your beauty and your dedication. Whatever you touched simply blossomed, it had no choice. And you were so fond of every life you released into the world, every part of nature you helped to bring into existence. Especially the plants, I remember that. You loved them very dearly, the flowers and the trees, bushes and types of grass, everything was unique and worthy of your adoration. But then, one day you started to become curious and all of a sudden you wanted to find out more about other universes, about the realm of the humans, you wanted to see what life was like for those less powerful beings, the ones that we create and watch over. You said it wasn’t right or just that we- that she uses her forces like this. Making life appear at her will and then letting it go without guidance. And once those ideas had taken hold of you… you didn’t want to continue the way life had always been for us. Instead you tried to riot, tried to convince others but in the end you were alone and you stood there, all alone, and she-,” Aziraphale stops and swallows, his face so full of sadness that Crowley can feel it deep in his bones.
“What happened?” he whispers. It’s like he’s forgotten his distrust entirely, every word that comes out of Aziraphale’s mouth shakes him to his core, suddenly it’s scripture and he’s devout, this conversation feels sacred, yet blasphemous.
“You were cast out. Banned. Forced to be reborn as a human, she thought it a fitting punishment. But you were so strong, she couldn’t take away all of your power. And so you still have a connection to your former life, your soul really did call out to me in a way, I didn’t make that up completely. But it’s because I was assigned to you, my task was to observe and report what you got up to here on earth. To keep an eye on you but also to explain away everything strange that’s been happening to you. Eventually, most of the other angels lost interest, they believe you became just another human, unremarkable and not worth paying attention to. Crowley, I can see who you really are. And it may have started out as a mission but now that we’ve grown close I think you made me fall in love with you. And I know you still have so much power inside of you, if you want you can rise up again.”
Crowley blinks, slowly. “Let’s say I believe you,” he starts, then stops himself. “No, you know what, I do believe you. You showed me the realm of angels once before and now that I know everything, I swear it felt familiar. That’s why seeing your true form felt like such a revelation, because it was, it was me seeing who I am as well as seeing all of you. But, at the end of the day, I don’t remember, not a single thing, really. My memories are gone and so is most of my power, I’m really just human now. And that’s okay, I think. I’m sorry if this is disappointing to you but I like my life how it is and I don’t want to go back to something I didn’t actually know I was a part of.”
He bites his lip. Aziraphale nods and takes one of his hands in his own. He laces their fingers together and strokes his thumb over Crowley’s once, twice, three tines. Then he speaks again, “That’s fine. I can’t say I’m not disappointed although I didn’t have a lot of expectations in the first place. All I wanted was to see you again. And here I am. So… what do you say about the other thing?”
Crowley smiles a little. “That you think you’re in love with me? I don’t know.” He shakes his head. “I think we still don’t know each other all that well. Part of it might be because you lied to me, but somehow I’m not even mad.” He puts his head on Aziraphale’s shoulder and presses a kiss to his cheek, still so soft and pretty.
“I guess we can figure it all out together, can't we?”