Chapter Text
heisei holmes sent a message to group: kudo's secret crew
heisei holmes: I can't believe I'm eating a f*cking happy meal
heisei holmes: This is the fate life has picked out for me
heisei holmes: A destitute existence of infantile cardboard toys and entirely too many episodes of Kamen Yaiba
hat: HAPPY MEALS ARE GREAT WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING
heisei holmes: You're only allowed to complain about me complaining the next time you're 3 feet tall and have to take first grade again
hat: @smolchemist
smolchemist: I'm afraid I'll have to take Hattori-kun's side on this one, Kudo-kun.
smolchemist: While these forms can be life-threatening and extremely disadvantageous in multiple ways, a hamburger deal, however unhealthy for you, isn't one of them.
heisei holmes: F*ck you, you LIKE happy meals
smolchemist: Oh? A bold accusation.
smolchemist: Does the great detective have anything to back that up?
heisei holmes: I am currently watching you play with the toy with my own two eyes, Haibara
smolchemist: That could be anyone.
heisei holmes: It's not.
smolchemist : Touché
smolchemist: I would, on the other hand, like to propose another, equally likely explanation
heisei holmes: And that is?
smolchemist: You see, Kudo-kun, there's this thing called acting.
heisei holmes: Right. The thing you never do.
smolchemist: Unless it's important.
heisei holmes: And this is important?
smolchemist: Extremely.
hat: lmao
smolchemist: In fact, failing to play with your happy meal toy this very moment could get you and everyone you love murdered in cold blood by a mysterious criminal syndicate with no trace.
heisei holmes: Ok now I'm 100% sure you're bullsh*tting me.
hat: u weren't before?
heisei holmes: Anyway what were we talking about?
hat: u hate ur life
heisei holmes: Oh yeah, that's right.
heisei holmes: Ugh I just wanna be me again
smolchemist: I'm not giving you the pill.
heisei holmes: 1) I didn't even ask yet why are you assuming things
heisei holmes: 2) Stop phrasing it like I'm a drug addict
smolchemist: Aren't you?
heisei holmes: No.
hat: 1 in 5 teenagers will experiment with paikaru
heisei holmes: Please shut up.
smolchemist: This is an intervention, Kudo-kun.
heisei holmes: Oh f*ck off we're not doing this
hat: friends don't let friends take aptx antidote
heisei holmes: YES THEY F*CKING DO
hat: wait wait hold on
heisei holmes: What.
hat added red_baron and yukiko_chan to group: kudo's secret crew
heisei holmes: OH F*CK OFF
red_baron: Now, Shinichi, that's no way to speak to your father.
red_baron: And young man, we are going to have a serious conversation about substance abuse when I get home.
heisei holmes: I hate you all.
yukiko_chan: omg I can't believe my little bby shin-chan would grow up and do DRUGS!!!
heisei holmes: Not you too, mom
yukiko_chan: sorry bby
red_baron: I just don't like the person you become when you take those things, son.
heisei holmes: …
heisei holmes: You mean me.
red_baron: Hmm Yeah.
hat: haha lmao roasted
heisei holmes: I know I'm being baited but that doesn't mean I don't want to punch you in the throat, Hattori.
hat: :'(
heisei holmes: Anyway Mom and Dad what are you even doing here?
red_baron: I think the more accurate question would be what weren't we doing here before.
yukiko_chan: shin-chan i can't believe you would start a group chat without us!
heisei holmes: I didn't start it, Hattori did.
yukiko_chan: aww heiji-kun :'(
hat: i just didn't have your usernames yet alright
hakase: I gave them to him!
hat: yeah thanks again doc
hat: really needed them in here to help us bully kudo
hakase: Well I didn't know you were going to use it for that :{
hat: yeah anyway
hat: welcome to the crew kudo parents!
red_baron: The "kudo's secret" crew?
hat: yeah got a problem
red_baron: Shouldn't the name be something a little more… inconspicuous?
heisei holmes: That's what I told him.
hat: ugh FINE we can change the name
hat: pick a new one
heisei holmes: You do it.
hat changed group name to kudo's clown car
hat: better?
heisei holmes: Ok fine I'm picking the the name.
smolchemist: You should leave it because if everyone in the chat is a clown then Hattori-kun is included in his own insult.
smolchemist: Frankly, I think you're both clowns.
hat: hey hey not everyone in the clown car has to be a clown
smolchemist: No exceptions.
smolchemist: If anybody can be not a clown then everybody can not be a clown.
heisei holmes: Then we would all be a bunch of weirdos robbing some poor clown's car.
smolchemist: Exactly.
smolchemist: If we let anyone slip by the rules, we let everyone.
smolchemist: Now someone help me find my bike horn.
hat: no kudo owns the car so he's a clown
hat: no one else that's it end of story
heisei holmes: I think we should just change the name.
kaito_kid: dunno i'm down for robbing some clowns
kaito_kid: spooky little mfers deserve it
smolchemist: Do clowns scare you? Is that your weakness?
kaito_kid: no
kaito_kid: actually if any y'all come to one of my heists dressed as a clown fair warning i will make fun of you
kaito_kid: and then yeah you can prolly have the jewel back cuz i'll be laughing so hard
heisei holmes: Oh, finally out of hiding, Kid?
heisei holmes: I thought Sera traumatized you off the internet
kaito_kid: but she can't find me here
kaito_kid: can she?
hat: i dunno man it's been looking like she might get added here soon
heisei holmes: What?
heisei holmes: No she won't.
hat: doesn't she already know who you are
heisei holmes: No
heisei holmes: I think
heisei holmes: At least no one's told her
hat: maybe u should just get it over with and just be straight with her already
hat: she's a detective, she'll figure it out soon enough
kaito_kid: heh, 'be straight with her'
heisei holmes: No and also f*ck no
heisei holmes: I don't trust her just yet and I have a girlfriend, Kid.
kaito_kid: right and if either of you make any move where she gets invited to this chat I will personally disguise as that girlfriend and make you do things you'll regret
smolchemist: Ooh, spooky.
hat: b*tch i'd see through u in a second
kaito_kid: would you?? would you really???
hat: yes??
kaito_kid: bc last time you seemed pretty convinced :P
hat: wait last time??
hat: wym
kaito_kid: Can't tell you, it's a secret! ;)
heisei holmes: Funny, I actually can't tell if you're bluffing or not.
hat: B*TCH WHAT LAST TIME
kaito_kid: ;) ;) ;) ;)
hat: YOU SON OF A B*TCH ANSWER ME
heisei holmes: Says he's offline
hat: F*CK