Chapter Text
It took a bit of cajoling, but eventually Remus stopped imagining up tangoing squids and tiny rodents in cowboy hats and actually summoned the supplies Logan had asked for. They rolled the large sheet of paper out on the floor of Deceit’s room, stacking books on the corner so it would stay flat. Logan pulled a black marker out of his shirt pocket and knelt down, clearing his throat.
“This is the hub of the mindpalace,” he began, drawing a small square. “Most often it takes the form of Thomas’s living room, as it is the most familiar place due to his complete and utter lack of physical activity.”
Virgil elbowed him softly. “Save the speeches on fitness for later, we have a mission, remember?”
“Right.” Logan leaned forward, drawing several hallways leading off the living room. “From there, the mindpalace spreads out. Most places we can move instantaneously or will shift as Thomas’s thoughts do so, but the general structure has four main hallways. North leads here, to the light side rooms. South leads to the basement, where the dark side rooms are. We needn’t visit my room, as I already have my key with me. Perfection’s key is always kept in his room. Escapism, however, poses an issue.”
Remus groaned, pulling a face. “Ugh, right, my baby brother.” He reached behind his ear, grabbing a quill pen that almost certainly hadn’t been there a moment ago and scribbling down a third hallway. “He’s always out in the Imagination, out this uhh… east? The east hall? But like, he’s gone and basically bubbled up the whole place. Says ‘nothing bad is allowed to happen to the good guys’.”
“Your brother,” Virgil echoed, pausing. “Roman, right. I don’t get it, what’s so bad about wanting things to be good? I figured you and him would just switch and he has all the nasty creativity or something.”
Deceit sighed. “If only Roman were the one with the nastier inclinations.”
Remus stuck out his tongue. “Boo, you whore.” He leaned back, sighing. “And like, I get it! People like happily ever afters or whatever. But he says nothing bad is allowed to happen. Ever. Like, at all! Which means there’s no villains for his army of knights to do battle with, no love triangles to stir up the passions of the heart and the loins, no nothing! He even brainwashed my dragonwitch! He basically thought up a kingdom that takes up most of the Imagination then dropped a giant glass bubble on it. The problem with Romy is he’s boring, and worse than that, he’s delusional.”
Logan shook his head. “He believes in the idealized world that Perfection is obsessed with, and neither wants to listen when I tell them it doesn’t function. It took me a long time to realize my lack of understanding in their dream was pragmatism, not my… aversion to emotion.”
“So we have to break into a big fantasy bubble kingdom,” Virgil said, biting his lip. “Staffed entirely by overpowered knights or whatever completely flawless unproblematic thing Roman dreamed up. And it’s covered by a giant glass bubble.”
“And he has the dragonwitch!” Remus added unhelpfully.
Virgil rubbed his temples, grimacing. “Right. And the dragonwitch. So we just need to break into this big magic super country and find the single key somewhere in the middle of this big city kingdom thing and also it’s probably being guarded by a Dark Side.”
“Well that sounds like it’ll be easy as can be,” Deceit added, even more unhelpfully.
“Falsehood, it will be quite difficult,” Logan said. “The fourth and final hall leads to the core of the mindscape, which we cannot enter without all of the keys. If Escapism even suspects our intrusion, we’ll be in grave danger, especially once he sends for help from Perfection. It may be in our best interests to split up.”
Virgil grimaced. “I don’t like the sound of that. Didn’t I just have a whole dramatic no-side-left-behind moment with you Lo?”
The corner of Logan’s mouth twitched in a hint of a smile. “This is not about self-sacrifice. It is the… logical thing to do,” he said slowly, as though savoring the word. “You and Remus will enter the city. Being formerly a single side, the inhabitants of the Imagination will be unable to sense any difference between Remus and Roman. As Vigilance, you can temporarily relax Thomas’s mind so that the Imagination will be lax enough to allow you to slip through unnoticed. While Lysle and I both lack these advantages, he is skilled with falsehoods and I have inside access, which would allow us to lead Perfection on a metaphorical wild goose chase so he cannot provide backup to Roman.”
Virgil glanced between Logan and Deceit, frowning. “Yeah. I’m sure tricking people will be right up your wheelhouse.” Turning away before he could see the snake’s reaction, he continued. “The idea of splitting up the group makes me—surprise—anxious. How will we know what to do once we get inside? Are we just running in blind?”
Remus cackled, digging inside the pocket of his jacket eagerly. “That’s where you’re wrong My Space-out! Behold!” With a dramatic flourish, her revealed a tiny white octopus laying limply in his hand. “Penelope Panties-Peeker!”
Virgil waited for an explanation, but Deceit just grinned and Logan seemed just as lost. “So, how does calamari help?” He asked impatiently.
“How dare you!” Remus gasped. “Betraying our friendship is cold. Calling Lysle that mean name is nasty. But forgetting Penelope Panties-Peeker? Have you no damn soul? You bonded! You bonded Virgey, she comforted you in her sticky, wet, cold and slimy arms!” He wailed, shoving the tiny octopus in Virgil’s face.
Virgil stumbled back, nearly falling over. “Geez, okay, I’m sorry, sorry!”
Remus grinned, sticking the golfball-sized cephalopod on his shirt like a sticker. “Ha, nerd. Anyway! Penelope Panties-Peeker is my lil sewer spy! Since Romy’s been hogging the Imagination, I created her to sneak around. I can see through her eyes, so I’d have her crawl into his big ol’ bubble and just stick to people so I could watch stuff and be less bored. And yeah, occasionally I’d have her wreck a little shit, just to try and make some fun in paradise, because she’s daddy’s lil monster,” he cooed, using a finger to stroke the tiny limp octopus.
“So it’s not dead?” Virgil asked skeptically.
Logan nodded, seeming satisfied. “So we have a distraction, a way in, and information on the inside. Remus, you know your brother better than any of us, even myself. Where would he hide the key?”
“Oh definitely the castle throne room,” Remus answered immediately. “Probably under the seat cushion on the big throne—if he was feeling smart when he put it there, it’ll be inside the cushion, like, right past the zipper, but probably not any more hidden than that.”
Deceit clapped his hands together, smirking. “Now we’re really getting somewhere. I’ll shapeshift to look like Escapism, Ap—“ he paused. “…Logan, and I. Is it okay if I call you Logan? Logan. Logan and I can pretend we had some top-secret Dark Side business we need to discuss with Perfection. All you have to do is make it from the gates of the Imagination to the castle without being caught. Easy.”
“Falsehood again. At first I was quite baffled by Virgil’s insistence on calling you Deceit, but I suppose it does fit surprisingly well,” Logan said thoughtfully. Deceit fell quiet as Logan continued on. “And in truth, it does raise some fascinating philosophical questions. Could hope be considered a form of lying to one’s self? Creating false beliefs with limited or no evidence for the sake of managing emotional well-being? Arguably it could be a form of white lie—“
“Logan,” Remus snapped. “Cut it out, you’re making Lysle feel bad.”
Logan paused, tilting his head to the side. “Oh. I was?” He turned to Deceit, hesitating. “I was not aware. I am… sorry.”
Deceit paused, then shook his head, an easy smile on his face. “Please, it’s fine. It’s just, what, my whole purpose might be a fabrication? Big deal, why would I care if my real purpose is to lie? I’m fine.”
“He’s right anyway, Deceit fits you,” Virgil said, irritated that Deceit would make Logan feel guilty like that. “Can we get back to the whole key stealing thing now?”
Remus opened his mouth to protest, but Deceit spoke first. “Virgil is right, as always. The Imagination seems vast, but if you stay focused you can move through it far more quickly. So long as you remember what to do at the border of Escapism’s kingdom nothing could possibly go wrong.” He stood up, picking his hat up from the vanity table and setting it on top of his head. He didn’t turn back to face the rest of him, watching the mirror. “Logan? I’m ready if you are.”
Logan stood up, adjusting his tie and smoothing his black coat. “I am prepared. It will seem less suspicious if Perfection sees us emerge from my room. You can shapeshift into your disguise there.” He offered a gloved hand to Deceit. The other side took it, and they locked grips, preparing to fast-travel across the mindscape. Logan turned back to Virgil and Remus. “Remember the plan. If anything goes wrong, remove yourselves immediately. Sides may regenerate in most circumstances, but Virgil’s case is an anomaly. We don’t know what will happen to him if you two are injured.”
Virgil smirked. “Aw, Teach, you care about me.”
Logan cocked his head to the side. “Of course I do. You are one of the most beloved people in my life. Stay safe.” And with that he sunk down, pulling Deceit with him into whatever darkened version of Logic’s room existed in this part of the mind.
“Well Doctor Gloom! Looks like it’s just you, me, and lil Miss Panties-Peeker!” Remus crowed, getting to his feet. “So, whaddya say? Matching biker gang jackets? Maybe we each get half a tattoo on our buttcheeks? Team-building visit to an all-twinks gay house of prostitution?” He said, wiggling his eyebrows.
Virgil looked up at him, fighting back a snort. “No dumbass, we’re on a mission. No jackets, no butt tattoos—the gay thing, maybe if we have time after, depends on how many people are there.”
“Performance anxiety,” Remus said, sympathetically, peeling the octopus from his shirt. “Anyway! If we have to do the whole mission thing we’ll need disguises.” With his octopus-free hand, he snapped his fingers. Suddenly, Remus was decked out in a black ruffled vest with a plunging neckline and a shimmery green kilt. Underneath it he wore embroidered thigh-high stockings with a lacy edge. Barely staying on his head was a jaunty cap with a ridiculous plume of rainbow feathers so large they bent under their own weight.
Virgil finally stood up, snorting as he took in the ensemble. “Hey dumbass,” he said, flicking the largest red feather away from Remus’s face. “The point of a disguise is to hide who you are, not to play dress up.”
Remus cackled, swatting Virgil’s hand. “Oh please! Most of the characters in the Imagination are daft, especially since Roman doesn’t let them get hurt enough to go through character growth. This’ll fool everyone except my brother, and he’d see through it anyways. He knows my scent, it’s a sibling thing.”
“It’s not a sibling thing, you just smell like shit,” Virgil jeered.
“Oh shut up, and put on something a bit more fun” Remus said, snapping his fingers again. Virgil paused, glancing down. Yep, Remus had definitely changed him. Bracing himself for the worst, he turned to look at his reflection in Deceit’s vanity.
On the bright side, it wasn’t horny, and for that Virgil felt incredible grateful. On the not-so-bright side, it looked like somebody had stitched together a bunch of used purple and gray rags and dropped them on his head. “Ran out of ideas?” He asked sarcastically, picking at a few fraying threads.
Remus stuck out his tongue, summoning a satchel for Penelope Panties-Peeker to ride in. “Oh come on, everyone loves wizard-hobo chique. It’s like, you’re too busy being a magic dipshit to wear something sexy like I do, and the whole shapeless cloak hides your lack of a sword—if you know what I mean,” he said, snickering.
Virgil laughed. It wasn’t a snort, or a suppressed chuckle, just laughter. God, how long had it been since Remus had made him laugh? It was so easy to remember the times Remus’s intrusive thoughts had set him on edge, or his reckless suggestions had made him worry. But a part of him and forgotten this. The playful banter, the dumb jibes—it felt like the late nights they’d spent crowded together on the couch in the dark sides common room, watching Nightmare Before Christmas and eating stale popcorn.
It was easy to forget when it had been like this. When he used to be happy with them.
He shook his head, but the smile didn’t leave his face. Remus was smiling too, looking delighted that he’d gotten Virgil to laugh. He stepped over to the door of Deceit’s room, opening it with a stupid flourish and a bow so deep one of the feathers fell off his hat. “After you, O’ mighty lord of darkness and fear,” he said.
Virgil snorted, grabbing the front of Remus’s hat and pulling it down over the other's eyes as he passed by. “C’mon dumbass, we have a prince to rob.”