Chapter Text
Hiram braced his eyes against the harsh light filtering in through the window and pulled Hermione closer.
It was cold. They must have left the window open as well as the drapes. And there was no blanket covering Hiram. He wiggled his toes and felt his socked feet kick out at nothing. In fact, his head didn’t even seem to be on a pillow. And was he still in his normal clothes? The sun was so bright that he threw a hand over his still closed eyes and tried to remember how he ended up in bed without even changing.
Hermione stirred in his arms and let out a hoarse grunt. He tightened his grip on her, letting out a purr that he hoped sounded sexy and not as gurgling as it sounded to his own ears. He also hoped his breath didn’t smell as bad as it tasted. Had he forgotten to brush his teeth last night as well? What the hell did they drink?
And speaking of smell - he took a long whiff of the hair in his face - Hermione smelled kind of rank.
He let himself peak from between his fingers as Hermione wriggled in his arms. Had she put on some weight since last night? Was that possible? All he got was a flash of dark hair before someone yelled and shoved him off.
Hiram rolled off the bed - not the bed, the cot - with a thud. FP down at him, furious.
“What the fuck happened, Lodge?” FP’s hair was sticking every which way. His face was red and he looked about ready to murder someone. “Where are we? What did we do?” He huffed. “And why the fuck were you spooning me?”
Hiram sat up and wiped his clothes off, trying to piece together the night before. He could feel the heat rising in his face too.
“Don’t be so suburban, Jones.” They had taken something, hadn’t they? Something Alice gave them? Something they took from her jacket pocket? And why was he wearing a leather jacket? “And don’t flatter yourself, I was just trying to make sure we both had room on that - what is that?”
FP looked down on where he was sitting and Hiram took in their scenery.
“Are we -”
“Is this -”
They groaned in unison.
How the hell did they end up in jail?
Mary woke up to the sound of bedsprings bouncing in the next room. She grimaced. The noise had started around 5 am - just as things were getting particually strange in this room - and had at least broken the strange tension that was building between the three of them. Hermione had snorted and Fred had stifled his laughs and Mary covered her ears, as if whatever was happening in their room was any better.
No, that wasn’t right. Whatever Alice and Hal were doing - so loudly, she might add, that it was a miracle the bed was standing at all - was nothing compared to the intense game of truth or dare they’d played sardined together on the king sized bed.
Thudding against the wall, the bouncing of more bedsprings. Geez, didn’t the two of them get tired?
She gently shrugged off Fred and Hermione, both of whom cuddled up to her in the night, and sat up straight. She placed her pillow long ways between the two of them and scooted forwards until she could jump off the end of the bed. A final look over her shoulder before going into the bathroom let her breathe a sigh of relief. Fred nuzzled up to the pillow she’d left in her place and Hermione stirred a bit before finally rolling over and facing the other way, a low snore escaping her as she did so.
She turned the water on just too cold for her taste and jumped in, trying to ignore the hickey on her collar bone in the mirror.
thump thump thump
The metal bed frame hit the wall repeatedly and Hal knew the paint was probably chipped to hell. He swallowed his irritation. The paint job would be Hiram’s problem, not his. Although didn’t Hiram’s problems always have a way of becoming Hal’s problems? Everything eventually became Hal’s problem as well.
thump thump thump
Alice settled for a second, sweat dripping down her face, curls frizzed out. She took one, two, three breaths in before letting them out slowly. She met Hal’s eyes and when he offered her a hopeless smile from his spot on the floor, she groaned and started struggling against the handcuffs again.
“Stop it!” he snapped. He was done with whispering, the rest of the house must have heard the commotion they were causing hours ago. It was a miracle no one had come pounding on their door. “Struggling is only going to make it worse.”
Alice’s nostrils flared. “Do I look like I’m in the mood for foreplay?”
He blushed. “I - I wasn’t -
“Hal!” she snapped. “I trusted you and look what you did!”
“I didn’t do anything! You -”
“I what, Harold Cooper?” Her voice was venomous. “What did I do?”
He took in his furious girlfriend on the bed. She was sitting on her knees and leaning sideways against the bed frame. A pair of handcuffs were on her wrists and linked through a bar in the frame. The top half of his flannel pajamas reached her thighs and had been messily rebuttoned by his hands once they realized what a pickle they were in.
He chose his next words carefully. “Well I offered but you said you wanted to be the one handcuffed.” Alice’s eyes narrowed and the flush started creeping up her face again. “But it’s my fault, mine. I should have insisted -”
“Oh shut the fuck up.” She pulled against the bars again and Hal grit his teeth, wanting to scream that if it didn’t work the first few hundred times she certainly wasn’t going to accomplish anything now. “I didn’t think when you brought out the handcuffs you wouldn’t even know where the key was.”
“I knew where the key was!” he snapped. “It was in my jeans!” He pulled a pair off the carpet. “These jeans! I put them in there for safe keeping the night Hiram and I went out into the woods. You saw me!”
Alice gritted her teeth. “No. No, you put the key in your pocket and then when we got back in the room you gave it to me!”
“I did not!”
“You did so!” She blew some hair out of her face. “You gave me the key and I put it in the inside pocket of my Serpent jacket which was,” she kicked her foot out, “right on the back of that chair!”
“I didn’t give you anything! I didn’t even know you took the key or else I would have mentioned something before!”
She held in a scream. “Your pocket is not a safe place!”
“And your jacket is?”
“Yes, when I know where it is!”
“Okay, and it’s my fault you lost your jacket?”
“You lost my jacket!”
“I didn’t lose anything!”
“My jacket was on the back of that chair.” She kicked her foot out again. “I know it was there yesterday because I took a cigarette outside with me when I went into the hot tub. My stuff never left this room!”
Hal crossed his arms over his chest. “So what? You think I tossed your jacket out? Hid the key on purpose to keep you here?”
“No!” she hissed. “I think my jacket is right under your nose and you’re too stupid to find it!”
Hal groaned and fell back to the floor, picking up articles of strewn clothing with either hand and tossing them up in the air. Alice pulled furiously at the handcuffs again, filling the room with the obnoxious thudding sound that hadn’t let up in hours. Hal had turned over all their luggage and the room looked like Lacy’s after a fire sale. Mrs. Cooper would have an aneurysm if she saw her son throwing his belongings around so haphazardly.
In fact, Mrs. Cooper would have an aneurysm if she saw her son do most of the things he’d partaken in this weekend. Throwing some clothes around would probably be the least of her worries.
One of Alice’s bras - a pink lacy number she’d swiped from Vanessa’s Secret - flew with perfect grace through the air and landed right on the lamp next to the bed. Before she could help herself, her nose scrunched up and she let out a laugh.
Hal’s head peeked up above the mattress. There was still annoyance all over his face, but the red had faded. He followed her gaze and rolled his eyes at the bra.
“Grow up,” he muttered under his breath, and went back to sorting through clothes.
Alice collected her giggles and took a deep breath. Her wrists were sore from pulling them against the handcuffs and her upper arms tired from holding her hands out for so long. She’d be feeling this for days.
“Hal?” He ignored her and continued tossing clothes. A pair of his own underwear flew up and landed at the foot of the bed. “Hal!”
“What?” he snapped, sitting up with shirts of hers in either hand. “Stupid me is trying to find your jacket.”
Of course he wanted to be difficult. “You’re sure it’s not in here? No doubt in your mind?”
His eyes swept the floor without him moving his head. “Well it’s kind of hard to miss a leather gang jacket amongst my, as you call them, nerd clothes.”
She sighed. “Hal, if you refer to pants as chinos then they’re nerd clothes.” He glared. “Look, forget the key for a second and remember what else I had in my jacket pockets.”
Hal scoffed. “Some weed? I’m pretty sure everyone ran through your stash pretty good yesterday.”
There was a lot more in her pockets than just weed but she knew Hal didn’t want to hear about that part. “Are you positive my jacket isn’t in here?”
“Positive.”
“Right.” Alice swallowed. “So what’s the more reasonable explanation of where it could have gone?”
Hal rolled his eyes. “You left it somewhere else?”
Alice banged the handcuffs against the bars again. “No! Someone took it.”
His eyes widened and he nodded slowly. “That actually makes sense.”
“Yes, exactly so,” Alice sighed, “go find Fred.”
“Fred?” Hal furrowed his brows. “What’s he have to do with this?”
“He was the only one else in this room! He must have grabbed it last night when he -” Hal’s eyes darted around the room. “Hal? What?”
“Well,” Hal tilted his head, “Fred wasn’t the only one in this room. I mean,” he met her eyes, “I was originally going to share the room with FP but -”
Alice groaned. “Why?”
“Everyone was mad at each other! Well mad at him. And I was still kind of mad at him and I told him to leave and he hit me with a pillow! Like really hard. And then Fred and Hiram came running in here to -”
“Hiram came in here too?”
“Well it’s his place, I couldn’t just tell him not to come in. Plus did you miss the part where FP attacked me?”
Her voice was flat. “With a pillow.”
“They are very firm pillows, Alice!” She shot her boyfriend an incredulous look. “And well I thought Hiram was going to help me but then he started taking FP’s side! Took off his shirt and all.”
“Why did he take off his shirt?”
“Well FP wasn’t wearing a shirt either.”
“So FP was just lounging around you half dressed?”
Hal clicked his teeth. “He just got out of the shower, Alice. Pay attention. Anyway, Fred then attacked FP with another pillow, and then Hiram got one in on Fred, and then everyone kind of turned on each other and it was a free for all.”
Alice cocked her head to the side. “And what were you doing during all this?”
“Crawling to safety of course.” He sighed. “Then FP said Hiram was pissing him off the least and they left to go share the small bedroom.”
There was a pounding in her temple. She closed her eyes. “And when he left FP -”
Hal screwed up his face. “He did. He definitely took a jacket with him. I just assumed it was his.”
“Okay. This will be okay.” She let out a long breath. “FP and Hiram are most certainly both still asleep -”
“You think anyone is still asleep after all the noise you made?”
“Excuse me, Hal, but if you’re going to complain about me being too loud in bed maybe that’s the last time you ever -”
“The handcuffs!” He gestured at her hands, amazed she could forget the very source causing them all this trouble. “You banging them against the bed frame!”
“Oh.” A rich blush ran up her face and she brushed it off by banging the handcuffs again. Hal cringed. “So they’re probably still asleep. Just sneak into the small bedroom, grab my jacket, and get back here.”
“And if they’re awake?”
“They won’t be.”
“And if the door is locked?”
“Hal,” she rolled her eyes, “I think I’ve taught you enough that you can pick a pathetic little lock in an old house.”
“Right.” He stood up. “Right right right.” He pointed his thumbs at the door. “So I’ll just go? Right now?”
“Hal!”
“I’m going!” He grabbed a t-shirt off the floor and pulled it on. “For the record,” he waved his finger before closing the door behind him, “I hate this plan.”
“Just don’t let them know what happened!”
She caught a flash of a thumbs up before the door closed.
She banged her handcuffs one last night in frustration. Could this weekend get any worse?
There were only two phones in the whole lodge. An ancient rotary one next to the pantry off the kitchen and a more modern one in the front foyer. Hal could hear the steady ring issuing from either of them. He paused outside the small bedroom where Hiram and FP slept. His hand was already on the doorknob, but that ring ring ringing made his heart race. It was Tuesday after all, what if his mom was checking up on him? What if she flipped because she couldn't reach him?
And of course opening the door with active ringing would certainly wake up Hiram and FP. He’d just answer it first.
He let go of the handle and slid down the hall in his socks, turning towards the foyer phone when he realized it was slightly closer. He picked up the receiver.
“Cooper residence,” he said breathlessly. “Sorry, I mean Lodge. Lodge’s - well, Lodge’s lodge. Hello.” No reply. “Hello?”
Someone on the other end cleared their throat and a professional sounding man spoke from the other end.
“Cooper did you say?” Another throat clear. “This is Harold Lewis Cooper?”
Hal broke out in a sweat. He tried to recall the years of phone etiquette his mom had drilled into him. “May I ask who’s calling please?”
“You may not. I need to speak to Harold Cooper.”
He swallowed the hard lump in his throat. Who ever said no? Especially after you said please!
“I - well may I ask what this is in regards to?”
“Only if you’re Harold Cooper.”
“Hal?” a voice came from behind him as a hand touched his arm. Hal screamed and slammed the phone down. When he spun around, Mary was jumping away from him with her hands out in front of her. “Who was that? Are you okay?”
Hal looked at his hand still clutching the phone in it’s base. “Shit!” He picked it up and was greeted by a dial tone. “Shit shit shit!”
“Hal!” Mary grabbed him forcefully by the shoulder and he dropped the phone. “What’s going on?”
“Well the phone was ringing and I picked it up and they were asking for me!” He grabbed her arms and shook her a little. “No one knows I’m here but my parents, Mare! Who was that!”
“Well why’d you hang up!” she yelled at him.
“You scared me!” They let go of each other and bit one of his nails. “Who could it have been?”
“Hal, no offence but half the junior class knew we were coming on this trip.” She shrugged. “It was probably just a prank call.”
“Why me though? Why not Hiram or Hermione or -”
BRRRING BRRRING BRRRING
Both of them jumped and Mary held her hand out before Hal could answer. “Allow me.” She tucked her hair behind her ears and answered. “Lodge vacation residence.”
A pause on the line. Another throat clear. “Good afternoon, ma’am. I’m looking for a Mr. Harold Cooper.”
“May I ask what this call is in regards to?”
Another cough. “A confidential police matter. I can only speak to Mr. Cooper.”
Mary pursed her lips and gestured for Hal to come in close and listen. “Mr. Cooper is unavailable at the time but I would be happy to relay a message to him.”
“I need to speak to him personally.”
“Not possible.”
“Ma’am!” The voice didn’t quite yell but Mary felt like she got a crack at the speaker’s normal voice. Something just as snotty and pompous but not quite as proper as the act they were putting on. Someone younger. “This is Detective Bedford from the Rockland County Sheriff’s Department.”
Hal grabbed Mary’s arm and squeezed.
“Well Detective Bedford,” she shoved Hal off, “what seems to be the issue?”
“I really need to talk to -
“Well that’s not possible. You can leave a message.”
“I don’t want to have to come up there.”
“Come where?”
“To - ma’am, please.” Another cough. “This is very serious. Mr. Cooper is in a lot of trouble.”
Hal gripped her arm again and Mary let him.
“Well as a minor, I think you’d have to deal with Mr. Cooper’s,” she almost laughed at calling him that, “parents.”
“No!” Hal gasped. He tried to grab the phone from Mary and she pulled away. “Mare, give it!”
“Is that him?” the voice on the phone asked. His voice seemed to drop a lot of the show it was putting on and he coughed repeatedly. “I need -”
Mary slammed the phone down on the base. Hal covered his mouth with his hands and started shaking.
“Mary, what if they really do call my parents? What if -”
“Snap out of it!” She put her hands on her hips and regarded him. “Have you committed any criminal acts lately? Beyond whatever gross acts you and Alice committed in that room last night.”
His eyes widened. “You know it's - it’s not illegal to use them! We were just messing around.”
Her hands snapped over her ears. “I don’t want to hear it! Anyway, I heard him drop that silly voice he was using and his normal voice sounded super familiar. Someone was playing a prank on you.”
“Are you -”
“I’m positive!” They both jumped as the phone started ringing again. “I’ve got this.”
She picked up the phone and before she could speak a recorded voice said, “You are receiving a collect call from the police station of -”
Hal slammed his finger down on the phone to hang it up and Mary dropped the receiver. The dial tone rang out from the phone again and they both stared at it shaking their heads.
“A prank call,” Hal croaked.
“Of course.” Mary let out a high laugh. “Of course it was a joke. Anyone can fake a recording saying they’re receiving a call from the police station.”
“Plus,” Hal snapped his fingers, not nearly as confident as he was pretending, “why would a detective be calling collect? Right?” He laughed nervously. “They, like - they wouldn’t do that.” He turned to her. “Right?”
“Right!” Mary had no idea. “Plus I think the only time you get a message like that is if it’s a prisoner calling you.”
They both looked down at the phone and back up at each other. The dial tone still played out of the receiver. Mary cradled the phone and folded her arms over her chest.
Hal started. “Do you know any -”
“Obviously I don’t know anyone in prison!” Mary snapped. “I’m just going to -”
They jumped at the phone rang again.
“I need to go - go check on something,” Hal stuttered.
“Same!” Mary said quickly. Hal eyed her as they both took off in different directions. Her towards the kitchen and him back towards the bedrooms. She waited until he rounded the corner and took off at a run towards the kitchen, picking up the rotary phone as it rang for the tenth time.
“Who -”
“You are receiving a collect call from -”
“I accept the charges!” she shouted.
“Your call is now being placed through.”
“Hello?” a curt voice asked. FP’s heart almost lept out of it’s chest. He’d known that scolding, short tempered tone of her’s anywhere. “It’s me again, Detective -”
“Mary!” FP shouted into the phone. “Your voice has never sounded so sweet!” He looked over his shoulder but Hiram was already on him, trying to rip the phone from his grip. “Mary, you gotta help us. We -”
“Tell her to put Hal on the phone!” Hiram insisted as FP put out a hand to hold him back.
“No touching!” the tired guard yelled at them from the other side of the bars. He held the base and cord of the ancient phone they were using.
“Hal is useless!” FP panted as he pushed Hiram aside. For a little guy, he was surprisingly strong. “Mary is going to save us!”
“Mary is going to lecture us!”
“Who is this!” Mary yelled from the other side of the phone. “If this is another prank call -”
“Mary, it’s me!” FP yelled, letting go of Hiram. “It’s FP!”
“FP?” she questioned. He could almost see her brow furrowing as she chewed on her lip in puzzlement. “How? Where are you? What happened?”
“I’m here too!” Hiram yelled in his ear. FP elbowed him in the chest. “Get Hal!”
“Don’t get Hal!” FP screamed.
“Don’t yell!” Mary yelled back. She groaned. “If you’re really FP tell me something only he would know.”
He tried shoving Hiram away again as he muttered, “Those little triangle sandwiches your mom always makes when I come over. You kicking your brothers out of the basement so I can play with their Eightendo.” He coughed. “Walkie talkies.”
There was a silence before Mary finally sucked her teeth and asked, “What the hell is going on? Did you get arrested?”
“We both did!” Hiram was practically jumping on FP’s back. “Alice’s stupid acid -”
FP shoved his hand into Hiram’s chest as hard as he could. He flashed a smile at the guard. “Alice’s stupid - ass. Alice’s stupid ass should be happy this isn’t her.”
“What?” Mary and Hiram both asked. FP glared at Hiram and jutted his head slightly towards the guard. The last thing they needed was to reveal they had drugs in the pocket of the leather jacket on the cot.
“Nothing, Mare.” He sighed. “Look, just come down here and bail us out.”
“What did you guys do?” she asked, worry in her voice. “Do you know how serious this can be?”
“Relax, it’s not -”
“It’s FP’s fault!” Hiram had recovered from the smack in the chest and was bouncing on FP again, trying to rip the phone from him.
“No it’s not!” he hissed, yanking the phone away.
The guard hit the bars of the cell. “No touching! This call is a privilege, not a right!”
“Just come down here. Alone, please.” He said as low as he could, “Don’t tell Fred, I’ll never hear the end of it.”
“You’ll never hear the end of it from me either!”
“Bring Hal!” Hiram shouted, his hands now on the phone and trying to rip it from FP. “My checkbook is in the glove compartment!”
“But where -”
Click.
Hiram gasped loudly as the two of them looked at the phone between them. The guard clicked his teeth.
“I said no touching boys.” He gestured them closer and they could see he had yanked the phone cord out of the wall. “Now hand that back and get at least two feet apart. There will be no brawls on my watch.”
FP shoved the phone back between the bars as Hiram took two, four, six steps away from him, until he was all the way on the other side of the cell. He looked like a feral cat ready to pounce.
“Goddamnit, Jones,” Hiram hissed. “You better hope Mary is smart enough to find where we are.”
“Hello?” Mary said into the receiver. She hit the button on the phone several times but nothing but a dial tone came out. “Hello? FP? Hiram? What the -”
“Mary!” Hal screamed. She could hear him running back down the hall. “Mary! Mary, we have a situation!” He popped around the corner and came to a skidding halt in his socks. “Mary, everyone is gone!”
She slammed the phone back down but Hal didn’t even notice. He hunched over, panting.
“Hal, what on earth -”
“All the guys are gone!” He pointed pathetically back from where he came from. “Hiram, Fred, FP. They - they were all sleeping in the small bedroom last night and - and everyone is gone!”
“Well -”
“The window was wide open!” He straightened up and grabbed her by the shoulders. “Mary, what if someone broke in and kidnapped them? At gunpoint! What if it was those guys from the other night? They could be out on bail! Mary, what -”
“Hal!” she screamed as he started shaking her again. “What’s wrong with you? No one kidnapped anyone!” She smacked his hands off her as he bounced up and down.
“How do you know, huh?” He ran a hand through his hair. “Geez. I guess FP could fight off someone. Hiram in a pinch. But Fred?” Hal shook his head and Mary could swear he was fighting back a sob. “Never. He’s so scrawny.” Mary couldn’t help herself. She snorted. “This isn’t funny! How will I ever be able to look Mrs. Andrews in the eye again as she sits there for tea with my mother? I know her son has been kidnapped and I’ll never be able to tell her! This is all my fault. Alice was right, we never should have came up here.”
“Hal!” Mary took him by the shoulders this time and shook him with all her might. “That was FP on the phone. From the sounds of it, he and Hiram got arrested.”
“Arrested!” he shouted. She dug her fingers into his arm and he lowered his voice. “Is that - Mary, did you actually think that was going to be comforting? Arrested is way worse than kidnapped!”
She pursed her lips and let go of him. “Maybe it’s not a big deal, okay? Maybe they just drank a little too much and wandered into town. They’re probably just in the drunk tank or something.”
“The window was open!”
“They probably went out the window because they didn’t want to wake anyone up.” She sighed. “Hiram said something about his checkbook being in his car. Get dressed and we’ll go into town and look for the police department. Maybe grab a late breakfast at that diner. You think they do breakfast all day too or is that a Pops thing? I don’t think I can stomach another morning of Fred trying to make -”
Hal gasped. “Fred! He’s with them right?”
Mary moved her head in something of a figure eight and gave a weak shrug. Hal grabbed her arm.
“Did they mention Fred or not!” He spun around and headed towards the living room. “I guess he could have slept in the living room, but I can’t see Fred being okay sleeping alone when there were so many people in this house.”
“Fred is probably fine!” Mary followed him and crashed into his back when he came to a halt in the living room. “Just get dressed and -”
“This isn’t good.” He started chewing on a fingernail. “I know he and FP were fighting but Fred wouldn’t sleep out here alone or wander off without telling us.”
Mary rolled her eyes. “Fred is exactly the kind of person to wander off, not mention it to a soul, and show back up two days later to see who missed him.” Hal’s eyes bugged out. “I mean, I’m not saying that’s what he’s doing now! Fred can -”
“Fred can what?” Fred yawned walking into the living room. He stretched his arms over his head causing the t-shirt he was wearing to ride up a bit. Mary wanted to smack him. It was her Riverdale High Quiz Bowl shirt. “I slept like a baby. That bed is amazing.”
Hal’s mouth fell slack. “Where did you come from?”
“Right there.” Fred gestured down the hall with his thumb as he clapped Hal on the back with his other hand. “You’re a riot, Hal. Hey, if one of you puts on some coffee I’ll make eggs again. Scrambled or over easy?”
Hal crossed his arms over his chest and narrowed his eyes as he looked between Fred and Mary. She glared as hard as she could at him but she knew there was a deep blush coming over her face.
“Fred,” Hal started slowly, “where did you -”
“God, Hal!” Mary snapped. “Fred can make sunny side up too, just don’t whine if they’re not as picture perfect as your mom’s. Now go get dressed!” Mary grabbed the boy’s arm but he didn’t move. “Come on! We need to go save FP and Hiram.”
Fred was suddenly alert. “Save? What happened?”
“Mary,” Hal said slowly, “what’s that on your neck? Is that -”
A banging came back from one of the bedrooms. Hal’s eyes widened and he yelled, “Shit! I forgot about Alice!” before taking off down the hall. Fred and Mary ran after him and he stopped as he got to the closed door.
“Please guys,” he begged in a frantic whisper. “Just be mature about this. She’s already going to kill me when she’s freed.”
Mary’s eyes bugged out. “When she’s what?”
“No laughing.” He waved his finger between them. “Promise?”
Ten minutes later, Fred was finally coming down from hysterics. The second he saw Alice, he had lost his entire mind. Every other thought he’d ever accumulated in his nearly seventeen years on earth had vanished and all he saw was the image of one of his oldest friends handcuffed to a bed frame. Stuck there by the fault of one of his other oldest friends. He’d fell to the hardwood floor, hunched over and holding his stomach, as he soaked in the situation. Alice, who had finally accepted her situation wasn’t dire and perhaps was a little funny when Hal wandered away, was livid again. She hissed and screamed at Fred, but to no avail. He was deaf to the world and only had eyes to laugh at her.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, Fred’s sudden outburst had set Mary off as well. She didn’t think what had happened to Alice was funny at all - being locked up without a key was one of her top five fears after all - but seeing Fred lose it made something click inside her. His laughter was contagious and before she knew it, she was laughing her head off just as stupidly as he was. She tried to signal to Alice that she was laughing at Fred and not at her, but to no avail. Alice would probably strangle them both when she got use of her hands again anyway.
“Are you guys done now?” Alice asked as Fred wiped some tears from his eyes. He knew it was paining her to not be able to cross her arms over her chest. “Are you guys going to help me or what?”
“Well where’s the key?” Fred asked. He picked up a stray shirt on the floor and looked under it, as if it would be as simple as that. Mary shook her head.
“They obviously can’t find it, Fred,” she said. “Hal, you put it in your pocket the other night after -”
“It was in my jacket!” Alice yelled. “And FP took my jacket and you three were obviously just in the bedroom with him so can someone please - what?”
Hal and Mary exchanged a look. Mary gestured for him to explain but he shook his head until she rolled her eyes and continued.
“We got a call and it seems as though,” she let out a painful sigh, “well I supposed FP and Hiram have been arrested.”
Alice peered at her. “And?”
“Well they’re not here. They’re in town.”
“I don’t care where they are!” She clicked her teeth. “I care where my jacket is!”
“I already checked the bedroom they were in,” Hal chimed in. “They must have taken it with them.”
“Oh those fucks!” she screamed. Mary shushed her at once, not wanting Hermione to wake up from down the hall. “That means they probably went through all my pockets! Took something out of my stash.” She groaned. “God they owe me big time.”
Hal’s eyes narrowed. “Why? What was in there?”
She ignored him. “Fred, you dumbo! Why’d you let them wander off!”
“Alice! What was in the jacket!”
“Fred! Why did you let them go out without you!”
“Alice!” Mary joined, not wanting Fred to blab where he spent the night. “What - what was in your jacket!”
Fred snapped his fingers. “Hal! If we can find some lube I bet we could slide Alice’s hands right out of there!”
“Fred!” Alice shook her head. “Hermione used all my lube to Home Alone those guys the other night. Hey.” She raised an eyebrow. “Where is Hermione?”
“Alice!” Hal grit his teeth. “What else were you hiding in your jacket!”
“Butter!” Mary laughed nervously. Everyone turned to her. “We could butter Alice up!”
“Oh that’ll never work.” Fred crawled around on the floor, still checking under random articles of clothing for the key. “Alice can’t take compliments to save her life.”
“I mean actual butter, Fred! My mom buttered up my brother’s head once when he stuck it because the posts in the bannister.”
“No one is slathering me in butter, just find the goddamn key!”
“Alice, please tell me you didn’t bring anything more than cigarettes and weed with you.”
“Shut up, Hal!”
“My mom uses that stuff in the spray can,” Fred said, mimicking spraying. “What’s your mom use, Hal?”
“Shortening,” he said distracted. “Alice, just -”
“Maybe there are bolt cutters -”
“Everyone shut up!” Mary placed her hands on her hips. “Here’s what we’re going to do. Hal, find Hiram’s car keys. You and I are going to town to get those morons out of jail. Fred, you stay here and make sure Alice doesn’t gnaw her arm off.”
“I don’t want to miss out on the fun!” he whined. “Hal can stay here.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t go to a police station if a detective is looking for me,” Hal said uncertainly.
“A what?” Alice asked. “You were gone for ten minutes, what the hell did you do?”
“No, no, no.” Mary shook her head. “You’re the only one who can drive Hiram’s car, you need to come with me.”
“Oh, you’re not that bad of a driver,” Hal muttered.
“Hiram,” she said firmly, “doesn’t trust anyone else driving that Cadillac. I don’t need an earful from him.”
“Fine!” Fred hopped up off the floor. “You stay here with Alice, I’ll go with Hal.”
“You stay with Alice!”
“If no one wants to stay here with me you can all fuck off!” Alice screamed.
They were all silent for a few seconds until Fred snapped his fingers.
“Hermione is still asleep! She’ll check up on Alice when she wakes up. Lets go to prison!”
“No.” Mary shoved Fred and he fell seated onto the bed. Alice kicked him. “You stay. Hal and I are going to the sheriff’s department.” She looked over her shoulder before she walked out of the room. “Maybe try the butter thing.”
“Okay, the townie said the police station should be the second left down this road.” Mary held Hiram’s leather bound monogrammed checkbook in her hands. “What do you think this is going to cost them?”
Hal scoffed. “I’ve never bailed someone out of prison before, how would I know?”
“Alice has never -”
“Watch it, Mary.”
“Fine, fine.” She pursed her lips, glancing sideways at Hal. “So what do you think the two of them were on?”
“They probably just chugged some of that cheap whiskey and wandered off in the woods.”
“Sure.” She drummed her nails against the door. “But like if Alice was dealing some harder stuff and maybe bringing it because Hiram asked her to -”
Hal hit his fist against the horn of the Cadillac. “I don’t want to think about that.”
“Okay, okay. Oh!” She pointed to a sign that said Sheriff's Department. “Right there!”
Hal pulled into the parking lot and jumped out of the car without even turning the engine off. Mary turned the keys and pulled them out, chasing after him.
“Forsythe Jones and Hiram Lodge,” Hal said to a very annoyed female office at the front desk. “And in a jiffy please. They have something of mine.”
“Can I help you?” she asked, turning another page of her magazine.
“I just said -” he groaned. “Jones and Lodge. Lodge and Jones. And all their personal effects too please. Actually I can take those first if you don’t -”
“Can I help you?” the officer directed at Mary as she came into view.
“Hello, ma’am.” Mary beamed and dropped the checkbook on the desk. “We are here to bail out a Forsythe Jones and a Hiram Lodge.”
The officer’s eyes dropped back lazily to her magazine. “We don’t have anyone up for bail here.”
“No, no, no.” Hal gripped the desk. “This can’t be right. Is there another station? Someone else we can talk to?”
Mary put her hand on Hal to calm him. He shrugged her off. She stepped on his foot and leaned against the desk.
“Ma’am, I am so sorry.” She flashed another smile. “But you see, our friends called us. Said that they were here. This is the Rockland Country -”
“This isn’t Rockland County, sweetheart.” She closed her magazine and looked between the two teens. “This is Warren county.”
“Fuck!” Hal banged his fist against the desk and a picture frame fell flat. “Shit. I mean, I am so sorry, ma’am. I don’t want to be in any more trouble than I am.” Hal tried picking up the frame and the woman slapped his hand. “It’s just I’m in a lot of trouble with my girlfriend. Maybe someone back in Rockland County too. I don’t know. And we just need to find our friends because they have something I need -
Mary stepped on his foot again. “And to make sure they’re safe.”
“Yeah, whatever. That too.”
The officer forced a smile. “There is no one here up for bail because all we have is two idiot brothers we’re waiting to get transferred to country and two dumb teens in our drunk tank.” She raised a brow. “My guess is they belong to you?”
“That’s very likely,” Mary admit. “I am so sorry, ma’am -”
“Officer.”
“I am so sorry, Officer,” she peered at her shirt, “Bennet. We’ll be taking our dumb teens now.”
“We’re their parents you know,” Hal blurted out. Mary elbowed him. “Not their parents. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that. We’ll just be taking them.”
“He’s the third idiot,” Mary explained apologetically. “Got another one back at home.”
“Right.” Officer Bennet stood up and walked through a door to the back. Mary hit Hal’s shoulder.
“Ouch!”
“Have you ever spoken to another person before in your life? If I wanted this level incompetence I would have brought Fred!” She sighed. “Sometimes I think Alice has turned your brain to mush.”
“You two are a sight for sore eyes!” FP crashed into Mary and pulled her into a backwards hug, lifting her an inch or two off the ground. Hiram charged at Hal and wrapped his arms around his waist like a child hugging their dad after he came home from work.
“You have no idea what the big house is like,” Hiram sighed. “Terrifying.”
Bennet shook her head and waved them off. “Next time you boys think twice before wandering around town drunk as a skunk.”
Hiram grabbed his checkbook from Mary and kissed it. “I missed you too.” He hardly gave Officer Bennet a glance. “How much was bail?”
“You were never under arrest,” she said slowly. “We told you boys a dozen times we just didn’t want to release you in the wild and to call a ride. Could have called a taxi service for all we cared.”
“A taxi?” Hiram stuck his nose up. “Disgusting. Let’s go.”
They made their way to the door but not before Mary said, “And ma’am - Officer - whoever gave them their phone call really should know those calls are a right, not a privilege.” Bennet put her hands on her hips. Mary smiled quickly. “But it’s fine, fine. Just, you know, something everyone who wears a uniform ought to know.”
Mary followed the boys out the door where Hiram was already telling his tale of prison life.
“I will never end up back there, never.” He shuddered. “I’m tough and all, but I’m not meant for this life.”
“We just sat there,” FP muttered to Mary. “Boring as shit.”
“This has scared me straight. I’m never even going to -”
Hal grabbed Hiram by the jacket as they reached the car and shook him. Mary hadn’t even noticed it until now but Hiram was wearing what was unmistakably a Southside Serpents jacket.
“Why are you wearing Alice’s jacket!” Hal said as he shook Hiram back and forth. Hiram was so overcome with shock he didn’t move. Mary jumped between them. “Why did you take it from the room!”
Mary gestured for FP to help her and he reluctantly pulled Hal’s fingers off the leather.
“I don’t know,” Hiram said, gripping the jacket tighter around himself. “It looks good on me.”
“It looks good on you?” Hal gestured at Hiram. “You guys hear this? It looks good on him!” He started off towards him again and Hiram jumped behind Mary. “Let me at him!”
“Hal, no!” Mary shouted. FP pulled Hal back. “Hiram, just take off the jacket.”
“Christ, Hal.” Hiram pulled his arms out and held the jacket out to Hal. “It’s not like it’s going to fit you.”
Hal snatched the jacket and laid it flat on the hood of the car. He started unzipping pockets and feeling the seams. Mary opened her mouth, but FP shook his head.
“I don’t want to know.” He looked around the empty parking lot. “So we grabbing breakfast or did Fred cook again?”
“They didn’t feed you guys?”
“Dry toast and coffee is hardly breakfast,” Hiram sneered. “Lets grab lunch. I can’t stomach Fred trying to cook.”
“Breakfast,” FP said. “We’re getting breakfast.”
“It’s afternoon, Jones. That makes it’s lunchtime.”
“First meal of the day is always breakfast, doesn’t matter the time.”
“Guys!” Mary wasn’t in the mood for a fight. “It’s a diner, you can order whatever you want.”
“It’s not here!” Hal ran his hands through his hair. “Guys, where is it!”
“Hal, is this a good idea?” Mary hissed. “To pull whatever you-know-whats Alice keeps in her jacket while we’re still in plain view of the station?”
“There’s no key in here, Mary!” He shook the jacket. “Just a pack of cigarettes and a baggie of pills which I do not want to know of of. Some Chapstick. But no key!”
“What key?” FP asked.
“Oh no.” Hiram snorted. “The handcuffs?”
“Shh!” Hal looked at the police station. “I need that key. Alice is going to murder me.”
“Don’t tell me -”
“You didn’t -”
Hiram and FP exchanged a glance and started laughing so hard they would have given Fred a run for his money. Hal’s nostrils flared and he opened the driver side door of the car.
“Stop taking everything so seriously,” Hiram said, blocking his path. “It’s going to be okay.”
“Don’t take things seriously? You two got arrested -”
“Detained,” Mary corrected.
“Drunk tank,” FP corrected. “Although we were not exactly drunk, if you catch my -”
“Don’t!” Hal waved a finger at him. “Thrown in jail because you took something Alice almost certainly gave you and now she’s stuck to a bedpost and I’m torn between feeling awful and being angry at her for bringing D-R-U-G-S here with her in the first place!”
“She’s stuck to what?”
“Cops can spell, Hal.”
“The key is in your pocket.”
Hal turned on Hiram. “What did you say?”
“The handcuff key.” Hiram pointed. “Those are the same jeans you wore when we were out in the woods the other night - which we will discuss later, that is disgusting - and you tucked the key in your pocket.”
“Alice took it!” Hal pat both side pockets and his eyes widened as he felt something small in one of them. “No. No no no!” He pulled out the key. “Fuck! She - Alice is going to kill me. I had it the whole time. She’s going to murder me.”
FP scoffed. “Don’t tell her!”
“I can’t lie to Alice!”
“I didn’t say lie, I said don’t tell!”
Mary snatched the key from Hal’s hand. “I will take this. Lets just get back.”
“Food first.” Hiram slid into the driver's seat. “I’m starving.”
“Food after!” Hal said. He got in after Hiram and shoved him down the bench seat so he could drive.
“Food will be no time at all! We’re taking it to go.”
FP got into the backseat with Mary. “If we have time for food do we have time to stop at the video store?”
“No!”
“I already know what I wanna get! It’s right there!”
“No,” Hal grumbled, putting the car into gear. “Maybe later.”
“Sweet,” FP whispered. He turned to Mary and poked her neck when she looked away. “Hey, you gonna share the story of that hickey?”
Something about the lazy way the sun came in through the window told Hermione it was already well into the afternoon. The grandfather clock from the living room hadn’t woken her up once, thankfully, and apparently neither had either of her bedmates.
How rude.
The phone was ringing from way down from the front of the house. Ringing and ringing and ringing. Six other people here and no one could bother? Maybe they were all in the hot tub or something. Having fun without her. Couldn't have that.
The dull thud against the wall started all of a sudden and Alice’s voice - faint but clear - carried through the wall, “Answer the phone!”
Hermione padded out of bed and looked down the hall. Silence. No one in sight. She ran past the bedroom Alice had yelled from and stopped when she reached the phone in the foyer.
“Lodge lodge,” she said as casually as she could. No one was in the living room or outside on the patio. From the sound of it, Alice was probably the only other person in the house.
“Hello?” The voice on the phone sounded familiar but they coughed a few times and when they spoke again, their voice was much deeper. “I need to speak to Harold Cooper.”
She rolled her eyes. “Well he’s not here.”
“Yes he is,” the voice whispered. Hermione scowled at the phone. “I can see him right next to you.”
Hermione glanced around the empty room. “Oh yeah?”
“Yes. He’s shaking right next to you, telling you to hang up.”
“Look, jackass.” Hermione pulled the phone as far as she could to peek around the corner to the kitchen. “You can’t see me right now. I’m not an idiot.”
“Oh really, Hermione?” Her blood ran cold for a second but she shook it off. “Hermione?”
“You think I’m scared of you? As if. You’re just someone from Riverdale High trying to mess with us.”
“I am -”
“You are! That’s why you asked for Hal.” She scoffed. “The weakest link. He’d die first in a horror movie. You are just some jealous asshole that wants to scare us and it’s not working!”
“Us? So there is someone with you?”
“Are you dumb? Hal isn’t here! I am all alone in this room and some jackass on the phone can’t scare me. I know you can’t see anything I’m doing!” She stuck up her middle finger. “What am I doing right now?”
She heard a clang from outside and gasped.
“Not scared huh?” the voice on the phone teased.
“Listen here, creep,” she huffed, “I will destroy you.” There was a poker next to the fireplace and she pulled the phone cord as far as it could go to pick it up. “Just try me.”
“And how can I -”
“Oh, fuck off!” she ran back to the cradle and slammed the phone down just a few seconds too late to cause the dramatic effect she wanted. There was a clang from outside again. Footsteps too. Coming right toward the door.
The phone rang and she picked it up quickly and slammed it back down. She walked slowly to the door with the fire poker once again held over her shoulder like a baseball bat. The doorknob slowly turned and she yanked it open to get the upper hand.
Fred dropped the bolt cutters he was carrying and they fell to the ground in front of her. He ducked just before Hermione brought the fire poker down in surprise and she dropped it right before it could cause any damage. The clang of steel on steel made them both cover their ears.
“Fred!”
“Hermione!”
“What the -”
Alice’s voice rang from down the hall. “Would someone get me out of here already!”