Chapter Text
“Hey,”
The room is tense and quiet, Deku is holding flowers (What do you bring to someone who tries to kill themselves?) and even Bakugo is quiet and pensive. He doesn’t know what to do.
No one does. Not even Iida.
The bandages around Iida’s arms are glaring at both of them. Images of whats under those pristine cloths, dance around their heads. They struggle to remind themselves that that’s not him now. He’s here.
He’s alive.
“Hey, guys.”
His voice sounds scratchy and dry as if it hadn’t been used for weeks. His face is tired, eyes dark and baggy and his overall figure looks like he’s struggling to stand up from the most exhausting fight of his life. Deku wants to run over and hug him, but he doesn’t know if that will bring him more pain.
He should be gentle.
Like approaching a wounded puppy and not one of his closest friends.
“You can come in, ya know?” It doesn’t sound like the Iida they know. This Iida sounds scared, sounds nervous. As if the world is threatening him with a bat, and his every move is under constant surveillance.
Bakugo and Deku hadn’t realized they hadn’t moved from the door.
“Ah, sorry.” Deku squeezes Bakugo’s hand as they walk toward the hospital bed, Iida’s nervous smile accompanying them.
“We, uh, we got you flowers. They’re blue.”
“Thanks.”
Everything still feels so tense, and uncomfortable and no one knows what move is right and what move is wrong.
So they sit in silence and watch the day pass by.
At some point during the day, Deku gives Iida’s hand a little squeeze.
And for Iida, that’s enough.
-
Momo’s house is bigger than expected.
Iida feels a little stupid being here. He’s never needed help studying before, but with two months out from school, there was no way he’d catch up by himself.
Everyone’s eyes are trained on him and Deku walks through the door, Bakugo following close behind. Bakugo can practically feel the stares on Iida, his discomfort and embarrassment emitting off him in waves.
“What the hell are all you extras looking at?!”
In seconds, everyone looks elsewhere, scrambling back to what they were doing before, as Iida breathes a sigh of relief.
“Thanks.”
“Whatever. It’s none of their damn business anyway.”
-
“Okay, Kirishima has got questions 1 through 4, Denki has 5 through 8 and Iida, you have questions 9 through 12.”
Everyone nodded, as they continued their work, Deku working on his own set of questions from before and Iida tapping the pencil absentmindedly as he tries to focus.
But he feels like everyone’s eyes were on him, waiting to mess up, waiting to laugh at him for his mistakes. He wants to scream at everyone, but he doesn’t even know if they are staring. It just feels like it. And it’s infuriating and horrifying at the same time.
Deku places a hand on Iida’s shoulder, bringing him out of his thoughts.
“You okay?”
“Yes, I-” The automatic response left his mouth before he had a chance to think, so used to pretending everything is okay. That everything is fine. Even when it’s not.
He touched his bandages.
“Actually, no. I, um, I’m not. Okay, I mean. Not okay. I feel like everyone is staring.”
“Do you want to work in another room? Kacchan and I can come with you.”
Iida nodded, and Deku was happy to help him grab his books and leave the room.
No one minded.
Bakugo acted as head tutor in place of Momo as they worked in one of the many spare rooms in the house. Bakugo yelling as much as usual, but never at Iida and Deku angrily screaming back whenever Bakugo called him a dumbass.
It made Iida smile, more than he has in months, as some reminiscence of normalcy returned to his life.
-
“That’s a fucking gross flavor.”
“Strawberry is not a gross flavor, bro!”
“Okay, but let’s be honest. Denki’s ice cream. I wouldn’t touch with a five-foot pole.”
“Hey! It’s just a banana.”
“Banana? What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Shut up, Boom Boom Boy.”
“WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST CALL ME?”
Bakugo chased Denki around, throwing massive explosions his way as Mina, Kirishima, Todoroki, Deku, and Iida followed in suit, trying to find a good place to sit on the beach.
Tsu and Ochaco were already out in the water, enjoying the sunshine, and Iida couldn’t feel more at home with all his friends.
“My dad took me to the beach once.” Todoroki’s monotone voice cut through the laughter and chatter of the UA students. They all waited for something terrible to follow. But he just stayed silent and ate his ice cream.
“Uh, okay..” Deku trailed off, eating his peppermint icecream and smiling at Iida.
“Ready to have fun?”
“Definitely!”
With that, Deku dropped his stuff in the sand, Iida following his movements, as Deku dragged him towards the water.
They deserved this.
-
Some days were easier than others.
Das when Deku and Bakugo and Todoroki would spend time with him, playing board games and keeping him company were great. Sleepovers with Tsu, and Ochaco, and Deku were perfect. Sometimes even Denki and Sero would come over and offer to smoke a joint with Iida.
He almost coughed up a lung the first time, so now he just enjoys their company and leaves the drugs to them. But still, its time he wouldn’t trade for the world.
And then there are the days were Denki and Sero are in detention. And Bakugo and Deku are out on a date. And the girls are at the mall.
And the dorms are deathly quiet.
Iida feels really really alone.
But he reminds himself that he is almost an adult. And he has to learn how to be by himself because not everyone can be there for you all the time. Right? Right.
Playing UNO by yourself is really depressing though. And the news only shows the worst things. And nothing on TV really entertains him.
He does try to cook a meal for his classmates, but he burns it. And so it ends up in the garbage.
He tries to call Deku or maybe Kirishima, but they don’t answer.
Todoroki is with his mom.
Everyone is out. Doing something. Having fun. But his family is on vacation. And so he is stuck. In the dorms. Alone.
I wonder if they’re having fun.
I bet Bakugo won Deku that stuffed animal at the carnival he’s been wanting..
Mina is probably buying some new dresses. She has an awesome fashion sense.
I’m kinda plain.
Although, Deku doesn’t have much of a fashion sense either.
But he does have a pretty cool quirk. It’s so similar to All-Might.
I can run.
I can only run.
Huh.
Iida can feel the heaviness weigh him down. But he promised Deku he’d be safe. His scars are healing. He can’t do that to his friends. He can’t do that to Deku.
So he tries to distract himself by washing dishes. But the light from the window, reflects off the knife he is washing and it reminds him of his blades.
Shiny. Clean.
Waiting to be ruined.
But no. He wasn’t going to do that. He was going to be better.
He drops the knife and walks away.
-
Iida is working on homework. No one has come back yet. The sun was starting to set and he was beginning to wonder if anyone was coming back. Not even Kota had returned from his walk in the woods. And Kota always comes back.
He likes to watch the eight o’clock cartoons.
Granted, it is only five. Maybe he just had to give them time.
He was sure that after some time, people would start trickling in. Then he wouldn’t be alone, and everything would be okay again. He’s sure of this.
Juice.
He needs juice.
Iida gets up, mouth dry, and grabs a cup from the cabinet. He knows that Denki made Kool-Aid the other day. He got the packet from some of his American cousins and it kinda tastes crappy, but it’s all they have and Iida is in desperate need of something.
Preferably company, but the next best thing right now is juice.
But in all of the “excitement” of his day, Iida has seemed to forget that the juice is red.
Bright, bright red.
And as it pours into the cup, silky… metallic…
Some juice falls onto the floor and seeps into the carpet.
Messy.
-
Iida doesn’t have his blades.
Deku took them away, hiding them somewhere in his room. But-
Iida turned the knob of the door, and it pops right open.
Deku doesn’t lock his door.
He searches the desk, and under the bed, and the closet. Deku isn’t that smart, so he’s almost sure that it would be easy to find. Iida isn’t usually the one to sneak into someone’s room. Much less go through their things, but- lo and behold.
He finds the box on the top shelf of his closet. He takes one shiny reflective clean blade out and leaves the rest. Deku will never notice. And it’s not like he’s going to attempt again. He just wants to release some of the building tension.
He really thought he was ready to be alone. But he isn’t. And it’s okay. He’ll just make two tiny cuts on his thigh and no one will know. It’ll be his secret.
He just needs this. This one time.
It’s just this one time.
Slice.
But isn’t that what we all tell ourselves?
-
Iida, sweet, caring, a little annoying and strict, but loveable nonetheless, bloody.
Bloody, and messy and not breathing.
He could feel Bakugo calling his name and pulling him back, but he already saw. He knew.
He knew something was wrong.
But he waited. And waited. And waited. And now it’s too late.
Now his friend might be dead. And it was his fault. Because he was such a damn coward.
Freshly sliced arms and bloody wrists. A blade, stained red. The carpet stained red.
Stain.
Gasping. Gasping and sweaty and bloo- No.
No.
It’s not real. He’s not like that anymore.
Deku looks around the room. Quiet. Dark.
Bakugo is snoring next to him. He is safe. He is safe and Iida is safe and Bakugo is safe. And everything is okay.
It’s all okay.
“Psst, Kacchan.”
He doesn’t really want to wake his boyfriend, he can turn into such a bitch without his sleep, but he could really use a cuddle. Actually, he really needs a cuddle.
“What, Deku?” He snaps, angry and tired.
“Hold me.”
Bakugo grunts before turning over and holding his arms out.
“Hurry up, because I’m fucking cold.”
Deku slots in between his arms and they both turn over together. Bakugo falls back asleep within a few seconds, but Deku is still awake. Staring at the picture of all of them at the beach, hoping to whatever god there is that Iida is still okay.
-
Iida laughs as Todoroki shoots water at him, running after him in only his swimsuit. Iida can’t get his water gun to work, but it’s okay, because getting chased is way more fun, and he’s only up against Todoroki.
That is until Deku sneaks up behind him, soaking his hair with water, his glasses flying off his face, and he laughs so hard his stomach hurts and he can’t see and it is a hundred percent okay.
“HAHA! Got you Iida!” Deku laughs loudly as they both laugh together, tears streaming down each other’s faces.
“Oh-oh my god that was a really good sneak up! You’ve gotten good at being stealthy, Midoriya.” Iida says in between laughter.
Deku smiles and thanks him softly, his smile never leaving his face.
Bakugo is somewhere blasting other students with water grenades, even though Deku and everyone else made it clear that this was just for fun and there were no winners. To which he replied, “there is always a winner!” and that was the end of that.
But honestly, it wouldn’t be a class activity if Bakugo wasn’t off torturing someone. All that really matters is that everyone is happy.
“KACCHAN, WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT HITTING PEOPLE IN THE FACE?!”
“SHUT IT DEKU, I’M HAVING FUN!”
-
Blood.
I don’t have to see it. That smell.
Fresh blood.
Iida’s room. Fresh blood. Acting off.
Suicide.
Deku. Have to get him away. I have to protect him. He needs me. He can’t see this.
Iida. Glasses.
Had I ever called him by his name? I might never get the chance to now.
How did I not notice?
Not now. I have to be strong. I have to be strong for Deku. He needs me.
But I have to tell Kirishima. I have to tell Todoroki. He needs an ambulance. He needs help.
I have to do something.
I have to be strong.
I have to be strong.
I have to be strong.
There are tears. Lots and lots of tears. And his pillow is wet. And he hates these stupid nightmares because, dammit. That was months ago. And fuck, he will not be haunted by his past.
It wasn’t his trauma. It was Iida’s. He was stronger-
Another tear.
Fuck it.
He is Bakugo. He is supposed to be braver than this. He is supposed to be better than this.
Why isn’t he better than this?
Deku is snoring next to him. The dorm is dark, the moon casts a quiet shadow through the window. And he remembers that he had to be strong. Strong for Deku.
His blank stare still flashes through his mind and god, he never wants to see that again. He would die before he ever lets his nerd be in that much pain. He can’t imagine.
But he can imagine. He saw.
And it’s haunting him.
-
“Welcome back, second- years.”
Previously known as Class 1-A, all the returning students sat in their seats, looking over at each other, smiling and happy to see everyone return. Mr. Aizawa looked at Iida and nodded, a smile playing on his lips. He was really glad to see his student doing so much better than before. Aizawa was glad he didn’t fail his students. Well, he had failed Mineta since the start but that’s already common knowledge.
Iida smiled at Deku and Tsu who gave him a thumbs up. Iida’s heart swelled, seeing his best friends rooting him on like they said they would. It was always good to know he still had their support even though they always remind him that they are never leaving.
It really was nice to see everyone return. Even Bakugo who gave him a curt nod and what appeared to be a small smile. Iida watched as Bakugo kissed Deku softly on the cheek before sitting in his own chair.
Iida was touch and go, the last semester of his first year was particularly rough, but now he is sure that despite what bad days may come, or whatever life may throw his way, he will be okay.
He’ll make it with his friends by his side.