Chapter Text
"Welcome to Newark's Festival!"
Everything was hell
Music, fireworks, cheers, and laughters boomed through the air in a loud chorus of noises, the lights vary in colours and intensity as if it could burn one's eyes out of the burning ray, the crowds were heavy and they were everywhere, touching skin and all, even those who didn't know. Jared glanced to see Shaun nervously rubbing his arms as the thought of a stranger's rubbery and hot scratchy skin grinding against his own like sandpaper made him shudder, his eyes turned bewildered and he could clearly see his hesitation to even enter the place, but for some reason, he kept quiet. Jared was a bit worried
But oh curse his stupid self
"Come on, Shaun, I'm sure it's not that bad" Jared knew it's that bad, even he didn't feel as confident and comfortable in this situation, he couldn't imagine it with Shaun who's probably in a situation 10 times worse than what he's experiencing. And the worse thing is, Shaun complied
"Okay" Jared was hoping, very much hoping for Shaun to say no, resent him, walk away, and never say a word to him again, so that Jared could at least have a reason to calm his nerve and feed his already low self esteem. But nope, Shaun stood his ground, nodded, and slipped his noise blockers on
"Shaun, we really don't have to go in if you don't want to-"
"N-no, it's okay!" Jared sighed. He really didn't get Shaun's sudden determination, but he guessed he's not the right person to ask that
"Alright then, umm... If you feel like quitting, like everything's a bit too much to handle, it's fine, I totally understand, alright? Don't force yourself in just cause I want to" Shaun shook his head and Jared could only nod as he led Shaun towards where the food stands were
He didn't spot anything interesting nor did he spot any slushie. Everything was so bright and lively, it reeked of joy and it honestly made Jared want to jump up and down and join in the loud noises and colorful lights. But he was jerked back to reality when he saw Shaun breathing heavily beside him
"Shaun? You okay?" Of course he wasn't! He was breathing heavily, hyperventilating as the atmosphere began to grow tighter. Loud noises grew louder, bright lights grew brighter, more people coming in and out, everything was not okay! He should go back, he knew he should. So he opted for it
"You know what, Shaun, there's always another carnival we can-" And before he could finish his words, Shaun had ran off
Fuck
"SHAUN!" He gave a chase
Everything was falling apart. His plan, his hard work, everything was failing fast. Oh how Jared wished everything could go back to normal, how he wished he had never had those feelings. Of course Shaun would be overwhelmed. It was too much. The bright lights, the noises, the crowds, it was all too much to handle in one night. Jared finally stopped on his track as Shaun settled down in a nearby quiet park under the tree as he grasped the toy scalpel firmly and ran his finger down the blade
"Shaun..." Jared slowly approached the younger and slowly settled down beside him. He kept quiet as he let Shaun collect himself. He didn't know what to do in these situations. He had faced them, but never had it been this bad
He'd never even faced these situations alone
Jared slapped himself mentally once again. He felt pathetic. There he was, panicking while his failed date have a full blown meltdown. He wanted to cry, this was hard. Very hard. It was getting overwhelming. He remembered everytime Shaun went through this and it wasn't him that helped him, it was always either Claire, Alex, hell even Lim had her fair share of moments. He didn't know, he felt out of control, out of his elements, he felt overwhelmed
His image crumpled, self doubt crept back and latched onto him like a leech. Nothing was going according to plan. Everything he's done to work on a perfect night were ruined. Today probably wouldn't feel like too much, but the shame of Tomorrow was what he feared the most. Shaun was going to resent him and no more chances
Everything was falling apart, and so was Shaun. Shaun was also falling apart. Everything was too much for him, and Jared caused it. He caused this
NO!
No.
He had to keep it together. He had to be whole, he had to be himself. No time for a breakdown. Shaun was literally having a meltdown right in front of him. His well being mattered more
"Alright alright, what did Claire say? What should I do..."
His mind tried to recount back to the time when Claire told him what to do in these types of situations
"Okay okay. Talk to him? What should I do?!"
"ANYTHING, KALU JUST FUCKING DO IT!"
A loud voice answered his thoughts, it sounded a hell lot like Lim. Jared calmed down
"Okay okay... Be there for him, don't do anything yet. Yeah that seems legit"
So he did. He waited patiently for Shaun to collect himself, to release all the tension and pressure from the overload. He waited, ready to be there for him. Fortunately, the park was quiet and there was no one, especially at these hours. So he waited, hoping his presence was enough. It took a few long minutes until Shaun's breathing began to go steady and his grasp on his toy scalpel began to loosen. Sometime about an hour later and Jared could notice himself coming back
Jared sighed, he was such an idiot
"I'm sorry" He could hear Shaun whisper, his voice was hoarse and his breathing was still trying to calm. Jared felt as if he'd been dropped. None of this was Shaun's fault but he apologized nonetheless
"Why?"
"You... Wanted to go and have fun. But I ruined it. You didn't have fun, you were worried for me and you left the carnival to go after me. So I'm sorry" Jared sighed again
"No, no, Shaun, it wasn't your fault. You can't control it, I understand. So no need to apologize" He could see Shaun contemplating whether or not he should apologize again. Then, the younger nodded
"Okay"
"It was my fault anyway. If I had known the last day of the carnival was this crowded then I should've brought you somewhere for our first date" Jared immediately realized and shut his mouth as quickly, hoping Shaun didn't notice as he's still trying to collect himself
"This was a date?" Yep. He noticed
"Yeah... Pretty smooth, right? Look, I know you're gonna freak out so I wanted to keep it subtle. I tried, like really tried. I asked Claire, Park, Reznick, even Dr. Melendez. I wanted to tell you in the end of it all. But I'm such an idiot. I should be the one to say sorry. I'm sorry, Shaun" Jared braced for another meltdown but a few minutes passed, nothing came. He glanced back at Shaun to see him thinking and avoiding eye contact. He hummed gently, in deep thoughts. Oh here goes-
"I like you Jared" Well, that was unexpected
"W-what? You do?"
"You're very nice and fun... You tell funny stories and you always try to include me whenever there's a new place to visit. You and Claire were the first people to be my best friend. You make me feel included and comfortable. You give good advice and you're a very good cook" Honestly, if Jared could, he'd cry right then and there. But the whole night was enough emotional turmoil to last a day
"You really think that huh? Well, my turn. If you haven't notice Murphy, you're very smart. You're determined when you want to be, like hell I remember the time with that kid Evan in our first year. You've always been kindest and most optimistic person I've ever met. You... Taught me so much about accepting people and myself, taught me alot about being more determined. You make me more, Shaun" Shaun froze and it surprised Jared at the same time, concern was plastered across his expression
"Why what's wrong? Did I say something wrong?" Shaun shook his head frantically
"I want to be with you, but you don't want to be with me" Jared still didn't understand, he stayed in silence, trying to make sense of what he's trying to imply. Then, Shaun continued
"I have autism" It broke Jared once again. Is that what this is about?
"Shaun, look, I love you. Yeah, you have autism, I'm not gonna deny that, but you really thought I wouldn't want to be with you because of that? Every human being has something they're going through and to love someone is to accept that and love them, support them no matter what happens. You're a great human being, you make me better, Murphy, that's why I want to be with you" Shaun hummed, again, contemplating. Jared was afraid he had said something wrong. So he just went with it
"Tá mé i ngrá leat" Shaun perked up immediately, wonder filled his eyes
"Where did you learn that?" Shaun stared in disbelief and Jared was afraid what he said didn't exactly have the message he's trying to convey
"I-is it wrong? I'm so sorry, Shaun! I didn't mean to insult, I just thought it would be cool to, you know, learn some Irish to impress you. At least, that's what I think it would do"
"No, it's not wrong. I haven't heard spoken Irish in a long time. My mom used to try and teach Irish, she would sing in Irish. When we lived in the bus, Steve found a story book in Irish and we continued to learn. I've never spoken or heard it after he died" Great, the guilt came back
"I'm sorry, Shaun. I shouldn't have said anything. I didn't know" Shaun shook his head
"It's okay, they were happy memories. Gaeilge is a happy language" Shaun smiled to himself, content with the memories flashing in his mind. Jared couldn't help but smile too
"Y'know, it would be cool if you could teach me a few"
"Feicfidh mé tú ag múineadh"
"You're a jerk, you know that?" A lighthearted joke, Jared gave a small laugh. Shaun only smiled fondly
"Grá geal mo chroí, déanann tú duine níos fearr dom, tá mé i ngrá leat" Jared felt his face warm up. Somehow, he could understand bits and pieces of the sentence. Jared tried to lean in slowly. He observed, watched how Shaun didn't try to flinch away nor did he move back, so he moved forward even more, slowly but surely this time. What surprised him was that Shaun also inched closer until finally, their lips clashed. It was the first time Jared ever kissed a man he loved and Shaun was a great one. His heart fluttered and the butterflies in his stomach disappeared, replaced with the blossoming feeling of warmth and love
The night didn't go as expected, but it ended being perfect