Chapter Text
Even though I had planned to sleep away most of the time on the train, I found myself still awake. The seats could recline a little, I had a semi-comfortable pillow behind my head, and a comfortable blanket over my body. Despite this, there was always something keeping me from drifting off. A noise from somewhere, the lights getting brighter when new people boarded, the feel of being surrounded by people I didn’t know... All of it added up to a very restless night. The fact that my past was like a whirlwind in my mind wasn’t helping either.
Lies of the Heart II
By: Satashi
Logic had me believe that if I made myself sleep deprived, then I would be able to rest comfortably in a place where I normally wouldn’t. Even now, the theory behind it seemed solid, if not for the fact that I was not asleep. Maybe it was my mind not wanting to be quiet. Maybe it was the person in front of me snoring. Maybe... it was Chie.
My senpai was breathing steadily next to me with a gentle expression on her face. I briefly wondered what could make her sleep so well, but the thought was dismissed soon after. She had shared a burden with someone she loved and was forgiven for past mistakes. She was probably sleeping better now than she had in a while, even given the circumstances. I was a little jealous.
It was one in the morning now, but I had to move. Chie hadn’t let go of my hand yet and my arm was numb. Such simple acts of affection often brought with them an uncomfortableness that was ignored by both parts. The prickling sensation on my skin was proof enough of that. I retracted from her loose grip and she shifted just enough to get a small grip on her blanket. I had to admit, it was rather cute how she pulled it up to her nose without even waking up.
With a dimmed screen, I began to check my phone. Touko had finally replied, wishing me a happy vacation and requesting pictures along the way. Things weren’t awkward between us so to say, but there was that small gap of what was okay and what might be too much. Maybe that was why I started to drift towards my kouhai. We had spent several days together after my rejection, and she was always ready to take my mind off of things. Even if she was dating my love interest, I never felt burdened by it.
Yuu had sent me a message over an hour ago wanting to make sure I knew she was still available, even if it was late. My Do Not Disturb was activated already, so I didn’t get a notification from it. I replied to her with a thank you and was shocked to see the ‘read’ icon come up by it. A few moments later and I got a selfie of Yuu in bed, illuminated by what appeared to be a star projector on the wall behind her. The simple message of ‘I’m ready to listen’ made me feel immediately better. I still had someone to catch me, even if it was a kouhai.
Instead of venting to her as I promised, I instead sent her a selfie in return. It was just me laying back on the train seat with the words ‘Don’t be like me, good girls should be asleep’ along with it. A simple sleeping flapjack octopus emoticon was my reply and I smiled. I had support behind me. Maybe it would be okay to be reckless for a change? Just a little.
“Sayaka?” Chie’s voice was soft, barely catching my attention. “You should sleep, it's late.”
“I know.” I could tell she was tipping the line of sleep talking and dreaming so I put my phone away. I wasn’t so mean as to make someone wake up to entertain me. A part of me realized that I didn’t hesitate to wake up Yuu for the same reason, but I disregarded it. This was about Chie and the fact that she was sleeping peacefully. I didn’t want to disturb that.
My hand was taken once again without shame. Come to think of it, she did that before as well. At school or out with friends, she never hesitated to hold my hand or arm. Suddenly the words she spoke earlier came back to me: I got too proud of you. Chie had been placed in situations she didn’t like because she didn’t hesitate to show her affection for me, even when she shouldn’t. I missed that back then, and I was disappointed in myself for it.
“Go back to sleep,” I whispered down to her. Chie was still mostly dreaming as it was so my words encouraged her that final little bit. Once again, I found myself leaning back on my seat, hand held in a slightly more comfortable position. I wonder, if my past self of twenty-four hours was told that Chie’s fingers would be interlaced with mine, would she laugh or scoff? That Sayaka felt oddly immature all of a sudden.
Sleep would have to eventually come to me, or so I thought. Laying back onto my seat, I tried to clear my mind from distractions. Time seemed to lose meaning to me, caught within a state of sleep and awake. I know I drifted a few times, but each one was short and not restful at all. When the train’s lights began to brighten again and the sun peeked over the horizon, I knew I was done. Two nights with maybe six hours of sleep between them. Good job, me.
Chie awoke a little while later. Her eyes fluttered open when I was looking at her and she smiled at me. “Good morning,” her voice was a little husky and it made me feel things that I wasn’t completely sure if I liked or not. “Seeing you right when I wake up... It’s like a dream.”
I was not prepared for that. The words made my posture stiffen and blood flow to my face. “Don’t say that so easily,” I scolded her. “It’s embarrassing.” She never was one to think too much about what she would say, even if it was intimate. Was this her being proud of me?
“I don’t want to miss a chance to tell you something.” Chie sat up and rubbed her eyes to rid herself of the sleep clinging to her. “Sorry, Sayaka, but I’m not going to hold back.”
What did I sign myself up for? I was torn between regret and nervousness, maybe even excitement. The ill feelings I had towards her were gone, leaving behind an empty shell of my past that I was yet to fully accept. The next four days would help re-write how I saw her, and how my feelings for my memories would change.
“Did you hold my hand all night?” She gripped my hand a little more firmly.
“Huh? No, I... let go for a little bit.” This was odd. Touko didn’t flirt with me much and my other friends didn’t at all. The closest thing I’ve had to verbal affection lately was Yuu telling me I was beautiful and cool that one time. Even that made me feel uncomfortable, if not a bit egotistical afterward.
“So you took my hand again while I was sleeping?” She was pushing the topic and I started having flashbacks about how easy going she was. Concepts like personal space and subtlety weren’t her strongest points.
“You took mine again, after you woke up for a bit.”
“I woke up?”
“We talked.”
“What about?”
“Nothing, really. You told me to sleep.”
“And did you?”
“...No.”
Amazingly the past ten seconds was more conversation than we could manage on the phone a few years back. She was frowning at me now, not happy with what I told her. “You should rest early tonight, it’s not healthy to not sleep.”
I suddenly realized I was the kouhai here. Before, she was always my senpai, but the way she scolded me and offered advice drove it home. I was younger, and she had more life experience than me.
This was slightly concerning.
“I slept enough,” I denied her. It was a lie, but I felt justified in defending myself. I had a kouhai of my own, and she called me senpai. I could take care of my- “What are you doing?” I looked down as she put two fingers to my wrist.
“Checking your pulse, shush for a moment. I am going to major in medical studies so I know how to check if you’re doing okay.” She shifted her hands and I noticed that she had cool, slender fingers. “... It’s a bit fast.”
I pulled my hand back. “No, it isn’t.”
Chie looked like she was about to defy me but instead she just sighed. “I won’t push it, but I’m worried.” She was trying way too hard for my sake. “We have a few hours left, I think.”
“Yeah.” My stomach growled at me, almost as if on cue by the words. “I want to find a place to eat once the train stops. Maybe there is a place along the way to where we’re going to be.” Now that I think about it, our hotels could be clear across the city. “Where are you staying?
“The Furukawa springs.” Chie went to her purse to get the half empty box of pocky to offer me one. “How about you, Sayaka?”
She loved saying my name, I realized. Every time she could, she worked it into the conversation. Perhaps she was baiting me to use hers more? I leaned over and nipped the treat from her with my mouth, letting it hang down while I mused around it. “A place called Shikanoyu, it's a resort” Without having to say anything, we both brought up maps of our locations. “Looks like it’s a few minutes’ walk.”
“Wow, we got lucky, didn’t we?” She turned to smile at me and I felt like I was in junior high all over again. Every single day we met at the fountain for lunch and she gave me that smile. Even when she was going through everything, she still smiled when she saw me... “Sayaka?” My name again, calling to me when I was distracted. For just a moment, I was that young girl again.
“Yes, Senpai?” I got a fond look as I realized what I said. It wasn’t an honorific at that moment, it was an endearment. Instead of words, she simply held another stick of pocky towards me. It was almost as if I could feel the mist of the water fountain behind me, the chatter of schoolgirls all around us. My body leaned in, mouth opening, and I allowed her to place it on my tongue this time.
I stayed silent for a moment, nibbling on the treat while pretending to think about our lodging situation. I was a bit taken aback by my behavior, but at the same time, I was still recovering from an emotional rollercoaster. It was to be expected that I would fall back into older habits.
At least, that was what I was telling myself to make it okay.
“I think it would be easy for me to sneak out.” Chie placed a hand on her chin while thinking. “If I play my cards right, I could check in with the teachers before lights out, and tell my friends that I’m staying in another room, then go to you.”
“When did you become a bad girl?” I asked the question without really meaning it, but she still looked rather proud of herself.
“I’ve changed a lot as well, Sayaka. I’ve been to karaoke and fast food places with my friends, as well as movie theaters.”
I smiled at that, remembering how nervous she was her first time doing things like that. It was something that I found a little annoying at the time, but now I found endearing. Something I went through at a young age that others would never understand also happened to her. “When my kouhai took me out to eat at a McDonalds, she asked if it was my first time being there.”
“Sounds like something I would say,” Chie seemed proud of this fact for some reason. “Did you get that prideful look on your face and explain that you’ve done other things as well?”
“... I did, yes.” My cheeks were growing warmer, or perhaps the train was heating up now that the sun was out? “Looking back on it, it was fun.”
“Was it not fun when it was happening?”
The words made me reflect back. Yuu and I had been struggling for the relay race, and she tried so many times to get closer to me that I finally broke down and accepted the invitation. “We kind of aired out some differences,” I admitted. “At the time, I was in love with Touko, and Touko was in love with Yuu, my kouhai. Yuu and I didn’t get along the best.” In the back of my mind I admitted that it was pretty much all my fault.
“This kouhai must be special to you.”
“Yuu?” I shook my head. “No, she’s...” Deciding to judge my words, I thought about it a bit. After everything, it was her that was still reaching to me, making sure I was okay. If things worked out with Chie, and we became friends again... “I think... Maybe you two should meet one day.” I looked out the window. The sun was really starting to make the train hot now.
“I’d like that.” Chie slowly reached over to me, her palm up. “Let’s hold hands again?”
Despite it only having been a few minutes since we last touched, she still wanted more. “Well... I suppose it’s okay.” When we touched, I felt her cool hand press against mine, fingers slipping to interlace.
“Your hand feels nice.” Blunt and to the point. Was she the reason I started to like that? “I never thought I would be able to touch you again...”
“Honestly, I like it.” The feelings from back then were still in my heart, awoken by the earlier confession. Before, I had buried them under hate and anger, tainting my memories with annoyance and disdain. “Now that I know the truth...”
Now that I knew the truth... what? Am I just going back like nothing had happened? Am I forgetting the past few years of my life? I’m on the rebound from Touko, and Chie appeared at a very weak moment. I needed to make sure I was doing what I wanted.
“Now that you know, I can start to make it up to you.” Lifting her hand, she brought it to her lips so she could kiss one of my fingers.
“Senpai!?” I almost pulled my hand away but the look she gave me calmed me down before I could. She wasn’t teasing me. Those eyes were honest and meaningful. “...Don’t do that without warning me first.” I looked away.
“I’m sorry.”
“Are you?”
“No, not really.” She smiled again. “To think you could make that kind of face... I’m so happy.”
I had been caught up at her pace without even noticing it. Just like before, she was like a gust of wind, pulling me along. No matter how much I thought about my actions, or tried to be the mature one, she always did that. “Careful, or your classmates will notice.”
“That’s okay,” she spoke over our hands, still looking me in the eye. “I don’t mind... There’s nothing to be scared of anymore.”
“You never minded back then either.”
“Neither did you.”
“I might have.”
“Did you?”
“No.” I wonder, if she didn’t have to be so reserved, would our phone calls have been like this? Would she have filled my ear with a sweet voice and sugary words? Honestly, part of me wanted to find out.
The train continued to move, and we continued to talk. Some of her friends even came to visit, though there was no place for them to sit. I was introduced promptly, much like I feared: This is My Sayaka, we dated in junior high and are trying it again.
Once we were left alone, she looked rather pleased with herself. “I don’t recall actually agreeing to be your girlfriend again,” I protested to her. Just as I thought, it didn’t even faze her.
“You agreed to try again, so that means we’re lovers for at least four days, right?” Her thumb soothingly rubbed my palm. “So, we have to give it our all.” At that point, my phone began to buzz. I pulled my hand back, much to her dismay, and checked it. Yuu?
“Hello,” I greeted my friend softly. “I’m still on the train, so I can’t be loud.”
“Ah, sorry senpai!” Yuu’s voice sounded startled. “I-I can call back or text if you’d rather...?”
“No, just for a moment is okay. What’s going on?”
“I just... wanted to check in on you. You said you needed to vent, and then you had a rough night so...” The voice suddenly became muffled and I heard Yuu calling out to someone faintly. “No, I’m busy! I’ll work the counter tonight!” Seconds passed and her voice came back. “Sorry.”
“Do you need to work?” I ignored the curious head tilt of Chie.
“Rei-chan wants me to cover the last hour of her shift, but you’re more important.”
“...Yuu, you’re a good girl.” I got a confused sound. “Go do your sister a favor, and I’ll text you details later, okay?”
“Sheesh... fine, but don’t make me wait.”
“I won’t.” Smiling, I couldn’t help but feel that Touko got the better end of the choices she had to make. “Bye-bye, Yuu.”
“...Bye-bye, Sayaka-senpai.”
I hung up the phone only to have my senpai lean forward and smile at me. “Was that your kouhai? The one at the bookstore?”
“Yes.”
“The one you want me to meet?”
My eyes decided to break contact with hers. “I never specifically said I wanted you to.” Even though I said that, I knew in the back of my mind that if this worked out, I would want Touko and Yuu’s approval. They were important to me, after all.
“Sayaka, you’re really cute sometimes.” The words made me give her a doubtful look. “Even in the past, you were always so straight forward and to the point... but now you’re fumbling your words and getting embarrassed.”
“Because I know what a relationship actually is now,” I tried to defend myself. “In junior high, I was still trying to learn why I liked kissing you.”
“You liked kissing me?” She was devious at pointing out certain things I said.
“I’m not repeating myself.” Looking away, I felt her lean closer. “...What?”
“Would you like to kiss? To see if you still like it?” She didn’t even look shy about asking for it. “You know, just in case.”
“We’re on a train.”
“It’s pretty private here.”
“Anyone could see.”
“Yes, they could.” She was leaning in towards me. “Are you scared, Sayaka? Maybe you’re a bad kisser?”
I was fairly sure I’d be a great kisser. I didn’t have much experience, but I knew what to do. Senpai was looking at me with hope in her eyes and a little smile on her face. “I kiss wonderfully,” I told her.
“Oh yeah?” Her tone was light and playful. “Are you sure, Kouhai?” Chie’s nose was almost touching mine.
I almost fell for it. She pushed my buttons perfectly and I was so close to kissing her just to shut her up. Fortunately for me, I came back to my senses just before doing it. Instead, I tried to give her that little half smirk I was warned about. “I remember you missing our second kiss, Senpai. You kissed my chin and made it wet.”
Chie pulled back, cheeks faintly warming up. “I was young then! I can do it much better now, I’m sure.”
“Sure?” I pushed my advantage. “So, you have a lot of experience then?”
“Well, not exactly, no.”
“I’ve kissed someone since then,” I revealed. I didn’t feel the need to say it was on the cheek, or that it was right after I was rejected.
“You have?” She turned to me to make sure.
“I have.”
“Then you have one more kiss than me,” Chie complained. “That’s not fair.” I was going to reply to her, maybe say something about how life wasn’t fair sometimes, but I found it rather difficult to talk. This could be because of the topic, the fact that we were talking about kissing, or maybe it was something else. Perhaps it could be that her lips were now on mine, taking them in such a sudden and unexpected way. It was warm, soft, and a little wet. When we parted, we each slowly sank back to our seats, looking away. “I think… that makes it even,” she defended her actions.
If the count of our kissing both went up by one, then I was still in the lead. I didn’t say this to her, but it was still on my mind. The awkward action seemed to take its toll on us, keeping us silent for several moments before Chie finally looked back over to me. She gripped my hand a little harder and I realized that I had never let go of her. “Are you mad?” She asked simply. “That I kissed you?”
Can I do it more? Was basically the question she was asking me. She was so good at this, using her words to make my mind come to terms with what was really being said. I didn’t mind the kiss so much as how it happened, honestly. “Consider the location,” I answered instead. “I wouldn’t want to watch other people kissing in public, so I want to extend the same courtesy to them.” It felt like a safe answer. Don’t do it again right now.
“I’ll keep the situation in mind, Sayaka.” Her words were gentle and I realized that she read through my lines without any trouble at all. No matter how I used to see her, now all I could imagine was her crying to herself at home while smiling to me at school.
“Good.” I faced forward again. “Now that we cleared that up, I expect you to behave when in public.” She covered a small laugh. You may kiss me later.
I felt embarrassed. The original thirteen hours would be coming to a close soon, and I was already losing myself in this. Comfort after pain really was a dangerous drug. This thought stayed in my mind for the rest of the trip, which was spent mainly with us touching hands and glancing at each other.