Chapter Text
The first thing he noticed when he woke up were the lights. White, blaring lights, flashing in his eyes, making him blink. His head hurt. His mind felt jumbled, slinging around phrases like fuck Hansen and now I won’t be able to die . He should’ve questioned that, but it sounded natural, like he’d always had those thoughts before. He realized he was lying down on some rough bed.
“Holy shit, Evan, you’re awake!”
It was Jared, glasses askew. His friend- no, his family friend- wrung his hands and quickly turned his head behind. Evan felt like he’d been ran over by a tractor, then stomped on by the soccer team. Jared frowned, and stared at the floor.
“Jared-?” His voice was barely stronger than a whisper. “What- what happened-?”
It was then that he noticed his surroundings. Empty green beds lined up beside his, opposite a series of posters on the wall saying Healthy Eating and Ways to Avoid STDs. There was a woman looking at him through the corner of her eye, eagerly typing on her computer. He was in the nurse’s office. But why would he have to go to the nurse?
“Evan,” Jared said, “Dude, I’m so sorry. This is all my fault and now you’re like this and if I just hadn’t been so stupid -”
“You’re- rambling,” he coughed. Jared stopped, adjusted his glasses, and gave him a cup of water. “Head...hurts.”
Jared paled. “Yeah, that’ll go away soon. It just needs time to sink in. Or that’s what WebMD told me anyways.” He gave a quick, high-pitched laugh, but soon his face returned to a stoic expression. “Evan, this is all my fault. If I hadn’t made that stupid joke, you wouldn’t be stuck with Murphy.”
It all came back to him. Jared’s joke. The small sound he’d made, and the enraged look on Connor’s face. The pain in his shoulder, right where Connor’s bare hand had touched him. The confused thoughts swirling in his head, everything from oh god why me and not today not today and stuck stuck stuck .
“I’m soulmates with Connor Murphy.”
For a moment, he was silent. Jared lunged for the garbage can, and Evan emptied his stomach of everything he had and hadn’t eaten. Someone walked over- the nurse, probably- and took the can away. He sat back up, his heart pounding.
Where was Connor? Why wasn’t he here, with Evan? His head pounded. His mind flashed with images: a glass of milk, a man frowning as he reads the newspaper, and a bottle of pills sitting in the cabinet.
“Connor-?”
Evan tried to get up, but Jared grabbed his shoulder and forced him back down. “Evan, you need time-”
“Connor,” he repeated. The pills in the cabinet were flung against the wall. “He’s angry.”
“I-”
The door burst open and Evan saw Zoe Murphy enter. Before, he’d admire the streaks in her hair, or the array of freckles across her nose. Now, all he felt was a heavy guilt that weighed him down like shackles. Zoe rushed forward, but stopped a few feet in front of him. Her mouth was open but no words came out.
“Where’s your brother, Murphy?” Jared snapped. “We kinda need him.”
Zoe grabbed her phone and waved it around. “I’ve texted nonstop but he’s not answering. He took the car too.” She shoved the phone back in her pocket. “My parents called the cops. They’ll find him.”
Evan lurched, nearly throwing up again. “The cops? But he didn’t- he didn’t do anything illegal!”
I can’t, I don’t want to but I have to, fuck Hansen I hate him so much.
Zoe Murphy shook her head sadly. “I’m sorry you got stuck with my brother, Evan. You have no idea the kind of person he is.”
Jared drove him home an hour later. The school gave both of them the day off; there wasn’t much precedent for students forming soulmate bonds on the first day. He’d been able to call his mom, but Heidi had only been able to talk for a few minutes. It was apparently a busy day at the hospital, so he was left with just Jared fretting around the kitchen.
“So, lunch, right? You have to be hungry. I make some wicked mac n’ cheese-”
“It’s ten in the morning, Jared,” he said. Usually, he wouldn’t go so long without stuttering, but the events of the day had somehow drained him of anxiety. All he felt was tiredness. A part of him wondered if that was truly his feelings or Connor’s, and he realized he would be thinking that for the rest of his life.
“My lunch period’s at nine,” Jared replied. “Hey, I’ll order some pizza. You like garlic knots, right?”
“Jared, you don’t need to-”
Jared left the room, already ordering pizza on the phone.
He collapsed onto the couch. The remote was right in front of him but he had no energy to turn on the TV. His headache had dulled to a faint but constant pain, and Evan cursed himself for not buying Advil at the store last week. But would Advil even work on a soulmate-bond induced headache? He didn’t know. He doubted there was any research on the topic.
“Connor,” he whispered, “where are you?”
Unfair, unfair, oh fuck there’s the cops-
Evan’s heart quickened. Connor was driving away from him. His soulmate wanted to leave Evan, but his soulmate was frustrated and angry and needed him-
He jumped out of his chair and flung open the front door, running to Jared’s car. He yanked on the handle only to find it locked. Cursing, he ran back inside to the kitchen, throwing aside newspapers and utensils to look for the keys.
“Evan!”
He did not respond. He kept looking. Was Jared hiding the keys, trying to keep him from Connor? He opened another cabinet when someone grabbed his arm.
“Evan!” Jared gripped his arms, stopping him from searching. “Dude, what are you doing?”
“Keys,” Evan said, trying to escape from Jared’s grasp. “I need- I need to get to Connor-”
“Evan, look.” Jared showed Evan his phone. There was a notification from Zoe saying he’s home . “They found Connor. I can bring you to his house right now. Is that what you want?”
“Yes.” The word came out far quieter than he intended. Frustration boiled inside him as he watched Jared get his keys and walk toward the front door. Evan wanted to yell at Jared to hurry up, but stopped himself, instead deciding to run out of the house and wait by the car.
He tapped his foot as Jared started the ignition. “Alright, alright, we’re going,” the boy said, turning to face Evan. Jared frowned. “Dude, are you okay?”
“Go.”
As Jared drove to the Murphys’, Evan’s headache disappeared completely. The foreign thoughts and images vanished from his mind, and his annoyance at Jared faded. He was just Evan Hansen, a human mess of anxiety and not much else. Jared made a left turn onto a new street lined with fancy homes, and Evan’s mind sparked with familiarity. This was where Connor lived. This was where his soulmate lived.
“Jared,” he whispered. “Stop.”
They pulled over. He put his head in his hands, slowly rocking back and forth. His mind was clearer now. He understood exactly what had happened, and how he had no power to change it.
“I can’t do this,” he said. “Jared, I don’t- I don’t know what I’m thinking-”
“Evan, you gotta calm down.”
“No!” He thought back to what had happened. All of this because of one stupid sound, a nervous chuckle, that had escaped him. “I do- don’t want this , Jared. I don’t want Connor.”
Jared didn’t look at him. The other boy sighed. “I’m so sorry, Evan. If I could go back in time, I’d shoot myself before I could make that joke.”
“Oh, God,” Evan said. Tears streamed down his face. “He hates me. He hates everyone. I’m going to have to live with him and stay with him and-”
“Hey, hey, don’t think about that.”
“And why not? That’s what’s going to happen-”
“Evan,” Jared breathed in, and continued, “let’s just get through today. That’s all we’re going to do. Got it?”
“Got it.” He didn’t get it. His hands were sweaty and he felt like he was going to throw up (again.)
“Are you sure you want to see Connor?”
Evan did not want to see Connor Murphy. He wanted to go back in time and stop himself from laughing at Connor or from going to school in the first place. He wanted to curl up in a ball and hide, or run away and never look back. But that wasn’t an option. The farther Evan got from Connor, the more his mind would slip away. The only way to gain control of the situation was to face it.
He swallowed. “Yeah, I’m ready.”