Chapter Text
-1887-
Nuneaton didn’t resemble the adrenaline that was introduced when living in the crowded streets of Birmingham nor did it have the calm sense that followed when living near the forgotten place of Burnstown however there were qualities that I longed for, things had changed and my interests and desires no longer appealed to me anymore. After the six week journey it took to travel from America back to England I was welcomed into my mother’s home in Wombourne with some-what open arms as word of my ‘criminal involvement’ had reached her ears.
Weeks later, Mum gifted me the money I had been sending over to her for years, according to her she stopped needing it so she took it upon herself to save it in hopes that I could use in case her daughter ever decided to come back and now it had helped me in many ways.
Moving to Nuneaton was successful with only a few misunderstandings with not many people taking well to the unmarried woman buying a cottage and playing no part in the involvement with the industrial revolution that seemed to sweep through the towns, all of that smoke that lingered in the air of the streets seemed unappealing to me and I stayed away quite often.
I didn’t need to spend my days at a factory or under the feet of some manor lord, I lived in comfort with my savings and spent my days caring for more important matters or gazing at the magnificent scenery that I gained whilst living in my cottage. Memories of the past never left me and every day I found myself thinking of my lost love.
As the morning sun began to rise further, I sat outside in my garden sipping on my tea, the steam sticking to my skin as I lifted the cup to my lips. Listening to the soothing sounds of a childish giggle from inside the house, I could the hear the meow of a cat as they ran ramped through the rooms, what was she doing now to that poor cat. Thinking of my daily tasks of the day, I heard a knocking at the front door, almost urgent from the repeated banging against the frail wood. Gathering my skirt, I glided through the hallway wondering who would come at such a early time; most likely it would be the elderly Mrs. Stewart clutching Rosey in her arms again.
Pulling open the door with force, I found that it wasn’t the old woman with the black and white cat sleeping in the crook of her arm but a tired man with light brown skin, his wavy brown hair was neatly tucked behind his ears and a faint scar was painted at the bottom of his jaw that I could only see from how close the man had placed himself.
At first he seemed familiar but the chance of one of them coming here for me was unlikely, his eyes were widened and he stood like a statute of stone until I cocked my eyebrow at the stranger.
“ Excuse me sir, can I help you?” He blinked before he adjusted his stance and straighten the front of his worn jacket. “ Martha… it’s me, Mateo Jessen I’m sorry if I look different it-it’s been some time since we last saw each other you see.”
With a brief and sudden embrace, I ushered him inside into my kitchen where I poured the previously boiled water into another cup for Mateo who clearly beamed at the sight of the brewing tea, his hands were red and looked numb.
Mateo began to talk about his life, he didn’t want to live in some city where he wouldn’t live at ease so he moved to some quiet town and lived above a shop where he would often spend his time hunting in the forests and bringing it to the butcher for money; from his blank expression I could tell that life didn’t bring him any excitement he was there to survive, he made no mention of friends or companions in this life of his. “ Have you heard anything about the others?”
“ Yes, actually, sometimes I have to travel to cities for specific supplies so I find out that type of information in the streets, no one is as confidential as they used to be. Turns out Clyde died of a fever shortly after we left, he wasn’t the same after Nathaniel died though. Um, Oh, Kathy I think went back to the brothel she worked at seems like she just couldn’t let that profession go after all. Then… You’ll enjoy this one, when Emily and Tim got to Germany she remarried and completely forgot about her son, to the point where Tim left and moved back to America to live with some rich relatives, can’t imagine what life that twelve year old is living now.” Laughing at his stories of the others, I brought over his tea and we both sat at the dining table, comfortably in our own worlds of the past.
The noise must of have caught her attention as moments later, Delfina came sneaking through the entrance and hide herself behind my chair with her head poking past my waist; she was becoming more like her father, always sneaking up at moments when you needed them. “ Who is he Mum? Chippy ran outside so I thought I would come see you.” Mateo looked adamantly shocked, his hands wrapped around his cup and his mouth slightly hanging open before he took his gaze off Delfina and looked to me.
“ This is Mateo, he- he’s an old friend of your fathers.” She covered her mouth to hide her smile, Delfina started to ask more of her father and I tried to answer her with what little I could explain to her. With every passing year she grew with more of his features piercing through, her tanned skin and lustrous black hair were clear signs but more subtle things like the long dense length of her eyelashes made me struggle with his absence. “ Can you tell me something about my Dad, was he as brave as Mummy says he was?”
“ Can’t say I would be here if it wasn’t for the many times your father saved my life and I know that he loved your mother more than anything else, there wasn’t a moment that he wasn’t by her side.” Mateo could give more to Delfina than I ever could, he had shared many memories with Miguel despite the love and time we has shared. Pleased, Delfina ran to the garden calling out for the cats she would never leave alone; I held back those recurring tears at the mention of Miguel and Mateo’s description of him, the man waited until Delfina was far away from his whispered voice. “ Martha, are you a mother ?”
Leaning back into the chair, I smirked to Mateo. “ No, I stole her. Yes, ofcourse I am and before you asked, Miguel is Delfina’s father. Found out once I discovered it wasn’t the sea that kept making me sick on the way back to England, she’s perfect though reminds me of him everyday.” Having an child out of wedlock was deeply frowned upon and everyone around me gasped at the rare occasions when I would bring Delfina with me to the markets, it didn’t help that they scoffed at the tone of her skin as they called out the name, bastard; the girl wanted freedom but in this place these people would not give it to her.
“ That’s just it, I’m here to tell you… Miguel is alive Martha, he never died and now he lives in some fishing town called Portsbound.” Leaning my hand against my face, I sighed in annoyance.
“ Mateo, there could be hundreds of people that look like Miguel, you’re going to start telling me that after five years of raising a child and mourning for him that he’s fine and living a normal life.” The atmosphere has changed to a feeling of awkwardness, I move away from the table to place the cups in the sink for washing.
“ I know the man I saw was Miguel, no one could have the same identical scars on his face as he did. That morning, after you left, I went to Archibald’s tent and found him dead as I had expected and then seconds later Alexander and Owen are arguing about the new leader. It went south quickly and the men drew their guns but they couldn’t wait, they shot each other and died. All of us that were left agreed to leave for good and as we packed up, Miguel makes a comment about you waiting for him at a train station; he seemed quite concerned, he thought you might think he was dead by now and then left in a hurry.”
Mateo stopped talking as he deeply remembered that time but by my slight cough he continued. “ I didn’t think much of it, then couple years later I was resting in a salon as I headed for a city when I see this man at the bar, he looked sorrowful like he was drinking to forget. Realised it was Miguel and thought about you, just waiting for that train that you two were suppose to go on. Maybe he just never went to the station after all but knowing you I thought you’d be upset over the truth so I’ve been spending the last few years trying to find you to give you that choice to find him and those answers. Martha, whether you like it or not, Miguel deserves to know about Delfina.”
Miguel Martinez Rodriguez was alive, perhaps Mateo was telling me some beautiful lie that held no truth to it; he couldn’t be alive, why would he not come with me when it was his idea. If Miguel wanted nothing to do with me why didn’t he say nothing and wait until the morning for Owen to kill me or just leave without telling me a thing, why prance me around like a prized horse with fake words of endearment; he did everything, for what ?
I remembered those months I spent carrying Delfina, throughout it all, I felt alone without him beside me with those charming and encouraging words of his. Delfina had no father to protect her, no father to show her how a man should treat her. He abandoned us and I couldn’t find any explanation for his actions.
“ Mateo, I can’t go find him. My mum can’t look after Delfina and my siblings are all over the bloody country. Despite the fuckin’ anger I have to go to America and find him with his piss poor excuse for leaving me… I just can’t, some things have got to go unanswered.” The dangerous influence of my curiosity had died out many years ago and I learnt to hold my tongue and consider Delfina. Mateo moved to the window that overlooked the garden where the little girl chased both Rosey and Chippy around the hedge.
“ I’ll look after her, I know how to look after myself it’s basically the same but I don’t know how I’ll be able to substitute her clearly professional mother.” Chuckling I joined Mateo at the window, thinking of her. Would she be fine without me ? Would she forget those lonely nights if I dragged back her father with me to meet her. It’d only be a few months at the most. “ You don’t know the first thing about it Jessen… I’ll go back, find him, demand some well deserved answers and tell him about Delfina. Anything that comes after that is his choice.”
With a rushed note, I explained Delfina’s interest and daily routine as well as other things that needed to be done around the house, I knew that Mateo could keep to his word and from those few moments he spoke with her I felt relived that she would be safe and kept sane. As I left that night, I saw the conflicted look in Delfina’s eyes she had wailed at my departure but was silent at the promise of trying to bring her father back to her.
The journey across the sea was all too familiar to my last experience albeit lacking the surprising news of my pregnancy, those weeks were unpleasant as the only smell that clung to my nose was the stench of the salty sea water and there was a lack of food to feed us both.
Once touching the American soil, I gazed at the changes in the country, more officers walked the streets and more inventions of technology were being presented each day, the untameable wild west period was reaching its end and soon enough everyone would forget about those who delved into the freedom of that time. The train to Portsbound was quite liberally overfilled with people in the beginning, the man sat beside me being too close for strangers on a train.
However at every stop more people seemed to leap onto the platform, after some time and less filled seats the train halted and the conductor called out for those who wanted the fishing town. The luggage in my hand was light, as if there was nothing inside, only a few changes of clothes, necessary items for long travel and ofcourse my trusted revolver that had kept me safe in many altercations, I left my rifle to ease my mind about any dangers that could venter near the cottage, I hoped Mateo had not forgotten his skills with guns.
Paying for a room at a saloon, I expected I would not have to endure this town for too long, the stench of the nearby river made me clench my fists every time the wind would brush by my nose.
With a drink and very little convincing, I sat at the bar of the saloon as the owner cleaned various glasses and talked about his usual customers. “ Well there’s always Quincy, Jenny, Miguel and Charlie, are they the sort of people you’re looking for ?” Knocking back the strong liquid, I felt the burns it left whilst traveling down my throat. “ Could you tell me more about Miguel?”
Never stopping with his job, the owner moved away and began to clean the stains off the empty tables. “ I don’t know much about him, no one really does. He’s just quiet and drinks alone, so we leave him be. All day he’s in those woods and then as soon as the sun goes down, boom, he’s in here.” Paying the man for both the drink and the information, I nodded to him and started to head for the forests that didn’t compare to the lush tree outside the house that always seemed to shine with the morning rain.
The ground beneath was lined with uneven and jagged stones that would find their way into my boots, the people around me moved from the shops and chatted about most subjects. Obliviously, my eyes never left the ground and I crashed into a tall figure without any objection; I brushed off the dirt off my trousers before my mouth became to act on itself and started to apologise for my lack of attention on my surroundings, a voice laughed and I looked up harshly, it was like a ghost whispering in my ear.
Jesse threaded his fingers into his hair before abruptly stopping and leaning forward, trying to look closer at my stunned face.
Should I run? Pretend I didn’t burn my house down and walk away ? Jesse certainly changed his appearance, his once renowned long hair had been cut and now the ends of it curled at his ear; Jesse still had broad shoulders, it was as if he carried stones from how his posture straightened and he stood many heads above me. I imagined he would yell and strike his hand against my cheek in disgust for leaving him but instead his smile reached higher than anything I’d seen in him before.
“ Martha, is that you ? Shit, I didn’t think I’d ever see you again in my life. How have you been ? You look as radiant as I last remember.” Jesse clearly changed and no longer upheld that drunk and unhappy monster I saw in my mind. Stuttering, I spoke of the first things that came to me. “ I-I’m good, I’ve got a daughter now she’s only young.”
“ Well that’s real wonderful… Martha, I feel as if I must apologise for how I treated you in those last few months of us being together, I think I lost hope I could be better for you and turned to drinking. After coming back to the house, I saw just burnt wood and ash I thought you’d died and it only made my drinking worse and I was close to death. Then suddenly I just stopped, hated that I only could remember those arguments we had. I moved away and came here, got a job; in fact I’m going to the station now, movin’ to California, hopin’ that I can find a decent job there.”
My eyebrows continued to raise at his every word, Jesse had changed and I couldn’t believe it. I thought that in a few minutes a dragon or a talking fish would walk the streets, it was unbelievable. Before joining the gang and when I threw myself into bounty work I thought that there was no return for Jesse and he would only continue to hurt himself and others around him but now he was happy and lived a life that only few could even dream of.
“ I’m happy for you Jesse, I really am. I must be going though, it was lovely to meet again.” Outstretching my hand to him, I couldn’t forget the reason I had came here despite the tempting ideas of speaking more with the man; Jesse shook my hand with a cheering smile before we each parted ways.
As the evening drew closer, the boisterous chatter of the people became more vocal whilst they sneaked to the saloons; at this point I was certain that I was the first person to step into the woods, no birds made any noise or flapped their wings and the ground seemed to flourish in the sunlight as the blades of grass reached my knees and swiped at my clothes.
I had played out this moment for all those painful days it took to get here, there across the distance would be Miguel who looked as I remembered to which I would slap the man and beat him until I had my answers. Trodding through the trees reminded me of those crucial moments I had spent in this scenery, shooting those Richards with Mateo up until I got shot leaving a fragment of a scar on my shoulder or Miguel holding me under the light of the ever present moon. Shaking myself from those long forgotten memories of nothing but pain, I stopped walking and twisted my head around.
The path beside me had disappeared many miles ago and now I grew flustered at my lack of control. Being in this country made me lose my resilience and I found myself slipping into dreams of a past that no longer held any light, everyone was dead or lived a simple life ,something they would of despised when they lived as a criminal. ‘ This is pointless, I’m just gonna head for the saloon, he’ll be there, I’ll have to try and not cause a scene’ I spoke aloud seeing as nothing would reply to me.
With the soft crunch of a distant branch, my fingers twitched against my revolver as my eyes darted between the trees and the consuming bushes, dismissing it for an animal I walked on. That noise like the noise of a heavy boot or rushed footsteps wouldn’t leave me and I considered my exhaustion inducing this feeling, perhaps my lack of sleep was finally taking its toll on my body. With the urge to glance over my shoulder, I gave in involuntarily and felt the tingling sensation buzzing through the tips of my fingers. With a bowed head, a figure clad in dark clothes was drawing closer in my direction towards where the glow of the town continued to grow. I pushed back my misplaced hair and nervously moved my hands to my side, my next move could either cause me a great embarrassment or some much needed relief.
“ Miguel…”
They stopped and lifted their head as if a weight hung there and in that moment I was torn between the idea of crying aloud or smiling with every muscle in my face. After five years, I was within a few steps of Miguel and no longer relied on my mind to recall those distinct features I had fallen for.
Everything about him had not changed as drastically as Jesse’s appearance, his stance and height had stayed stagnant yet I still felt the need to raise my head in order to meet his heavy gaze, his stumble was more evident and fuller on his face but his hair still upheld that ink-like glossy style with only rogue strands showing signs of grey. What his eyes once held ,a sense of adventure and hope, was overtaken by fear and silence. The fire that had blazed within his dark pupils had been extinguished by a drowning pool of regret.
“ M-Mar-Martha, estoy soñando; you’re not real.” He started to carry on towards the town but I held out my arm to feel his chest collide into it and lift his eyes to me however with an abundance of realisation.
I wanted to hurt him so much as if the rage was pouring into my emotions but… I couldn’t, I could see so much of her in his eyes and it would never leave me if I beaten the father of my child. I pulled him towards me and dug my head into his shoulder, violently shedding those tears that had continued to build within me ever since I left Casidence like a dam being broken I shut my eyes until I felt a hand grip the back of my head bringing me closer to him. This scene felt familiar as it had happened many times before, an emotional embrace under the watchful eyes of the forest.
That wall of rage I had intended to release had dissolved at the sight of his broken eyes and at the touch of his hand at my hip I leaned back but Miguel wouldn’t let go and instead brought the top of his head to mine. “ Why, Miguel? Why? Was I not enough for you to change?”
“ You were- are my everything Martha, there hasn’t been a moment I’m not reminded of you. I imagine you haven’t came for just that though, you want answers don’t you ?” I nodded as Miguel kissed my crown and I regained my composure, finally pulling away to see his watering eyes and somber posture.
“ I left after esos malditos imbéciles shot themselves, I was close to the station when lawmen stopped me saying that I was caught. They didn’t waste a moment to shoot Chico and I had one option, to run for the woods. I was lost, the thought of you Martha kept me from dying, I knew that you would wait for me but the image of those lawmen chasing you because of me, broke what little hope I had left inside of me. You would of been safer without me, and there was a better chance of you living a good life if someone else could provide it for you. That’s why I never came.”
Miguel had lost his horse and was left to survive alone whilst I had only my festering mind to convince me that he was dead. We each had our reasons for not waiting and the blame was equally balanced, did any of that matter even as we stood together years later with our child across the ocean.
“ Only you could give her what I can’t Miguel, I’ve tried for years but I see how she longs for you.” Stepping closer, Miguel put his hands on my shoulders as I tried to wipe away the evidence of my tears. From his fluttering eyes, I recognised his uncertainty. “ What do you mean ‘her’ ?”
“ Our daughter, Delfina, you’d think you were lookin’ in a mirror if you saw her Miguel, I think she even has your mischievous attitude.” Laughing with choked tears, I bare Miguel’s unknown reaction as his eyes freeze and his breathing becomes harsh; he hold a hand over his mouth whilst under a trance.
“ Sh-she… What. Is she ok? Why didn’t you tell me?” I shrugged my shoulders as I began to answers his question that I had not prepared for nor expected.
“ I didn’t know until I was halfway back to England, I’m not sure I could of written a letter to a man I believed to be dead… She’s fine though, I can teach so much but she’s a bright girl and spends most of her days fussing the cats but she needs her Dad, Miguel, I want him as well. Come back to England with me, don’t try and convince me that you enjoy living here.”
Clearly the idea of leaving a pregnant woman and never learning of his child for so long had a deep effect on the man as he tentative fingers reached out for my stomach and grazed the covered skin, as if he was apologising for those nights where Delfina would cry out for her father. Silence lasted between us and his finger stayed rigid against my abdomen, his eyes were trained to them and shortly afterwards I listened as he mumbled to himself with agreeing eyes.
“ Ofcourse, ofcourse mi quierdo; you can’t imagine how long I’ve prayed for a miracle, but…” Miguel turned away from me and took some steps away from and I longed for the warmth of his body. You could hear the cogs in his mind slowly turning, the rust that covered them breaking down as he nervously tapped his fingers, the taste of misfortune hung on my tongue as Miguel began to speak again with careful words. “ I can’t come with you. You need to give me time, time to change who I am and make sure that my daughter doesn’t see me as some shell of a man who left his family.”
“ No, no, you are not sending me off again with a deceiving promise-“ The man was going to repeat his last actions as if I had forgotten them and he could depose of me again but the fire that had been lost had started to ignite quickly. “ Please Martha you need to understand that you can’t stay here, soon enough you’ll see a different side of me that I never want you to see, you might decide that I’m no longer good enough to meet her. I swear to you that I shall change for both of you and once I do I’ll leave for the first ferry out of here.”
Thrusting my hands into the air, I used all the force in my voice until my final words became broken and croaked. “ You aren’t allowed to say things like that, don’t say it, you’ll just leave me again.” If Miguel wasn’t going to come back with me, he should of used what little courage he had left and told me the truth, I had my answers so what was stopping me from walking away from him.
I didn’t move as he hesitantly stalked closer to me and held my face in between those rough hands that I had forgotten about, I didn’t move as his face dipped closer to mine and I was forced to look forward towards his glowing eyes, those eyes that had shone brighter than the lantern beside him as we first properly met without a blindfold to cover my senses. Somewhere deep inside lay the Miguel I had fallen for and he was struggling to climb through and only he could fix the damage that was pummelling the man. In that closed space we had created, his attention was being dragged over each part of my face and I couldn’t stop my body as I pushed my lips to his.
The raw emotion of Miguel’s fingers crawling down the small of my back was a reminder that time had not broken his love for me, even as we broke apart and I could feel his warm breath wash over my face he wasted not another moment before kissing me again but with more aching desire that had grew over some time.
It was me and Miguel in that moment with nothing around us and the movement against my lips acted as a make-shift promise that Miguel would return to me. By the time I was aware of my moving fingers, they had already slipped underneath Miguel’s shirt and were digging into his skin to which the man deeply groaned and replied with skimming his hands over my backside before harshly gripping the flesh. As the urge to breathe grew greater, we inched apart and started to chuckle in the madness of our encounter. “ Martha, mi amor, volveré contigo y Delfina.”
“ You’d better or you can swim your way to Nuneaton.” Knowing not to tease me further, he pulled me to his chest and spoke. “ How did find me anyway?”
“ I’m good at finding criminals, it’s sort of my speciality.” Shortly afterwards, I wrote down my address for Miguel when he would return to us and he escorted me to the train station where I waved to him from the open window and no longer felt the heavy pull of regret and guilt tear at my beaten heart, I would wait for Miguel because Delfina needed him, I needed him.
When I returned to the cottage, Delfina looked around me for signs of her father only to be utterly disappointed and yet understanding at my promise that he would come. Mateo had perfectly done his duties for those months I was desperate to return to her, I had yet to learn what skills he had taught my girl whilst I was absent but nothing good could come from it; Mateo was reluctant to go home and had awoken me with sudden news that he would be living in the town where he would work despite the cruel conditions, clearly Delfina had influenced him so much that he couldn’t bare to leave the last remaining reminders of his true family.
After five months and Delfina had recently turned six, I heard a questioning knock and opened the door to see the changed man I had been patiently waiting for, Delfina hugged my waist as she hid from her father until he knelt down on the rough stones to speak with her and then in a flash she was jumping into his arms with screams of joy. We could finally enjoy the peace of our new lives, together.