Chapter Text
That was it. Kirk couldn’t take it any longer, he couldn’t stand to lie awake and move from side to side in his bed trying to fall asleep. He had to do something, he had to make this right.
So he got up and walked to Spock’s quarters.
‘Come in.’ of course, the Vulcan was not asleep. Instead, he was meditating, or rather, attempting to, Jim sensed.
The doors behind Kirk closed with a familiar squeak.
‘Is there something wrong, sir? What brings you here at the unusual time?’ the First Officer started.
‘Yes, Spock, I can’t...’ Kirk struggled to find the right words. ‘I can’t stop thinking about the mission. And about what I said to you in the transporter room.’
The Vulcan didn’t reply as his Captain slowly walked across the room and sat on a chair closest to him.
‘I wanted to apologise properly. I’m sorry Spock, I really am. I didn’t mean any of it, and I-’
‘It is all right, Captain. You did what was necessary. You did what was logical.’ Spock interrupted.
‘No, no it’s not all right!’ Jim protested as he saw that his friend was not entirely honest. He still struck him as... sad. Maybe it was just the contrast to how happy he was under the influence of the spores, but who knows, maybe it wasn’t.
‘And it’s not all.’ Kirk continued. ‘I just- it looks like every time you actually open up and show any emotion I hurt you and... and I know it seems like I don’t want you to show this side of yourself, but believe me, you just always pick the worst possible moments to do so, Spock.’
The Vulcan was silent, still in the same position as when Jim had first entered the room. His gaze was directed at the floor and he appeared to be holding his breath.
Kirk opened and closed his mouth, looked briefly at the side and returned his gaze back to the Vulcan. He hesitated for a little longer before he finally went on.
‘I’m sorry that I had to rob you of the happiness, down there, with Layla, I’m-’ his voice cracked. ‘But I needed, I need you here.’
Spock finally took a breath and replied.
‘Jim,’ he started. ‘I did not lie when I said I had been happy for the first time in my life. But-’
He raised his head to finally face Kirk.
‘But I also did not lie when I told Layla that I have a responsibility to this ship. And to you.’
Now it was Jim who found himself looking at his shoes, speechless, at the sound of this answer.
‘And this responsibility I value more than a superficial feeling that was not really mine, but caused by an alien life form.’ the First Officer finished. ‘I am what I am, and what I was on the surface of that planet was not me, Jim. I made a conscious, rational decision to go back and stay here.’
Kirk smiled softly as he felt the tiniest bit of relief.
‘That’s good to know, Spock.’ he said, quietly, grinning, but still a bit of guilt and worry in his eyes which he directed back to his friend’s face. ‘Thank you.’
After that the Captain slowly got up from the chair, he smiled at Spock, who also stood up, one more time, one more reassuring, warm smile, and Spock walked Kirk to the exit. Just by the door, Jim stopped and waited a moment, not leaving.
‘Last thing.’ Kirk turned. Now they were standing next to each other, close. ‘I just want you to know, Spock... You do belong on a starship. On the Enterprise. And I think- you can be happy here too, if you want to. Or sad. Or angry, or... anything. But you can be happy, I promise.’
‘I know, Jim. And thank you as well.’