Chapter Text
It had taken Ava as long as Zari had expected to… maybe not accept, but become resigned to the fact that she really was stuck in here until morning. But unfortunately the fact that she was no longer trying to persuade Gidget to unlock the door did not mean she was willing to talk to, or even acknowledge, Zari. She simply sat in the corner, her back straight and her gaze fixed. Zari knew she was going to have to be the one to break the silence, or Ava would be kind of right, this would all be pointless.
“So.” Zari said, resorting to vaguely familiar territory “What brought on the new hair? I remember when I first dyed my hair, drastically and disastrously, all record has been literally and virtually burnt, it was just after I broke up with my first girlfriend.” What she had said caught up with her a moment later and she winced, “Not that you- that Sar-”
“As I said before.” Ava said shortly. “It may not be as fun or exciting as you would like, but all that should come after efficiency, serving its function well.”
Ava may have said something similar at that breakfast, but this time Zari felt like she understood the undercurrent to Ava’s words a little better. She wasn’t just talking about her hair.
“Well I mean, there are some great hairstyles I could try that could do both?” Zari wasn’t sure what she was trying to do here; get Ava to open up gently or provoke her. “I have the stuff here for-”
“No!” Provoke her it was.
“I may be stuck here for tonight, but that does not mean I have to agree to any of this. Me letting myself give into this kind of nonsense is exactly what got us into this situation, what got her into this situation. Next thing you’ll be suggesting we borrow some more of Behrad’s stash! What, so I can let someone else I care about disappear from right under my nose? It’s bad enough to have one person lost because I failed to protect them.”
Ava was flushed with anger but Zari could only focus on part of what she had said. "You failed? You don’t… you don’t blame me?”
Ava’s anger slipped away slightly, her face clouding with confusion. “Blame you? Why on earth would I blame you?”
“Well…” Zari hadn’t vocalised any of her newfound insecurities to anyone, not even Behrad, and it felt strange to admit even part of it so openly to Ava. But if she wanted Ava to open up, she would have to do the same. “I was the only one there not under any influence… I could have- I should have, seen Sara disappear. I thought you might have realised that and that’s why you’ve been being like this about your hair, about… everything with me.”
As Zari spoke, Ava’s face steadily filled with horror. “Oh my god, Zari no. This- no, this had nothing to do with you, I promise.” Her need to reassure Zari seemed to overcome her stiffness, as she moved quickly from her corner and sank down onto the cushions next to Zari. She grasped Zari’s hand in her own, a warm contrast to her previous flinching away. “This is just about me. I didn’t even think, this is exactly why I had to-” At this point Ava was speaking more to herself than to Zari, so she felt it was probably okay to break in.
“Had to what, Ava?” Zari said, squeezing Ava’s hand back where she had been about to pull it away again in her panic, “Because unless nobody told me severe pantsuits and even more severe attitudes are suddenly the new craze in the temporal zone, and trust me, I would know… I don’t know what happened to you so quickly?”
Ava let out a slow sigh, her shoulders slumping. It seemed like her resolve to stay closed off was waning. “You know that I was… created, rather than born?” Zari nodded silently, and Ava continued. “Well, all the… all the AVAs were made for specific purposes. For sale to people who needed someone- something to do the cleaning, or look after their kid or… so many things I honestly can’t think about if I want to keep being able to go about my day." She shuddered slight, before righting herself and continuing speaking. "But the point is I was made for certain purposes, to be the most perfect at certain things. I was made essentially for what my old job was, working at an agency like the Time Bureau, being the perfect efficient agent. I was made for following rules and regulations and I was good at that. Well… I think I was, despite how 11 other Ava’s made to be equally good managed to die on the job over only five years before me.”
Zari hadn’t known much about Ava’s past beyond the fact she was a clone, and had been doing her best not to react. But at this revelation of 11 previous AVAs she couldn’t help but speak. “I’m sorry, but what kind of person continues a scheme with that kind of casualty rate?! That’d be like if I kept rereleasing Dragonesque in its nose hair destroying form.” Zari’s eyes widened, realising the comparison she’d made “Not that I’m saying- you're not like an object or a product I meant-”
Ava held up a hand reassuringly. “I know what you meant. I forget you never met Rip.” Ava must have seen the flash of discomfort that went across Zari’s face as she added quickly. “Not that that’s any loss to you. He was… well, I feel like the fact he bought, then positioned himself as the mentor of, 12 clones, giving each false memories of their lives and replacing each as they died, all without telling them, says quite a lot for him.”
Zari wrinkled her nose. She’d have a few things to say to this man if she ever did meet him. She has seen a picture once, and honestly? He may have thought Ava was replaceable but he also thought that haircut and coat were advisable… as if the former hadn't already proven his opinions were worthless.
“So yes, I was perfectly made to do my job. But as you can see… I’ve not exactly been doing that job anymore. Losing the Time Bureau was terrifying for me because it was losing my literal purpose in life. It forced me to work out how to exist completely outside what I was made to do and this was what happened!” Zari could hear the self loathing in her voice. “I got too comfortable throwing myself outside what I was meant to do and this is what happened. Old Ava, hell, a different AVA, would never have let that happen, she never would have been in the situation where she doesn’t notice the most important person in her life disappearing because she’s let herself go too far.”
Zari couldn’t help but be reminded of her own thoughts of when other Zari was a part of her. “So you reverted?”
“I thought maybe if I tried… returning to default programming, I could be better, a better captain, a better person, a better way to find Sara.” Ava’s head dropped at the last sentence. “Managing without Sara isn’t like managing without the Bureau. She would laugh if I said something this sappy to her face, but she’s… she's literally the love of my life. My feelings for her are what kickstarted me feeling the love I was programmed not to be able to feel. I joined the legends as her girlfriend. I don’t know how to do it without her. I’m not sure I want to. Last time I died too and in a way… that was easier, just letting myself fall.”
Zari felt proud she was managing to keep her head above water in this conversation. Maybe she could do this. “But isn’t this just doing the same thing another way? You can’t ‘return to default programming’ about emotions, Ava, you’re a person, not a robot, and Sara isn’t the only person you have now. You connected with me all on your own even when Sara wasn’t here.” Zari’s soft smile morphed into a grin as she remembered another aspect of that particular day. “Besides, without me the Marie mission would have flopped at the doorman, and I doubt an emotionlessly efficient clone would have let me come on a mission just because I fluttered my eyelashes at her.”
Ava gasped in outrage, her sadness momentarily forgotten. “I did not!”
“You totally did.” Zari winked. “Don’t worry, not even a taken woman is immune to the Tarazi charm. There was a whole CatChat Meowment about how ‘effortlessly captivating’ I am just last year.”
“Effortlessly irritating.” Ava grumbled, freeing her hand to grab a pillow to smack Zari lightly round the head. Zari grabbed another and it quickly devolved into a pillow fight, ending with them settling back down against each other, Ava’s hair half fallen out of her bun and both of them shaking with laughter.
“But seriously, Ava." Zari said, still panting slightly. "Even if sometimes that means things aren’t as perfect, letting yourself go and have fun with people, and making real emotional connections, is what makes you a person.” Zari didn’t manage to stop herself from continuing her train of thought aloud. “Which has honestly been very worrying for me since I don’t think I’ve been making deep emotional connections with other people for a very long time and even now I have I’m not sure if that was really me and- You know what,” Zari blew out a breath slowly to calm herself, moving her hands up and down with her inhales and exhales. “This book club is for you right now. This self-centred thing is what I’m trying not to do anymore.”
Ava shook her head quickly. “No, no! Book club is about everyone’s problems.” She offered a soft smile. “And so is friendship.”
Zari blew out a long breath. “Well I told you what the problem was before: all the adoring fans, none of the actual friends. I mean, I know I'm an all round badass business bitch in my own right, and that’s what I’m used to people caring about, what I’m used to caring about. I convinced myself I didn’t care that my own family thought I was shallow. But now all you legends come in here with your- your ridiculousness, your fun,” she waved her hands in the air, “your earnestness. And suddenly you’re all looking further than all those things in me and… I’m just… I’m scared that there isn’t anything there for you to care about… not now she’s gone. Maybe the depth any of you saw in me was her, while I’m really just that top layer? I’ve built my entire personality around setting myself apart from other influencers just enough, I’m not even sure what I want to be outside of that. I sometimes feel like all those CatChat comments about me being so fake aren’t too far from the truth.”
Ava had let Zari speak her piece without interrupting, leaning against her shoulder and letting her fiddle absentmindedly with the now loose strands of blonde hair. “It sounds like you’re struggling with finding your identity and place outside what you’ve got used to doing and found easy to do, and are having problems with feeling like there could just be a better version of you.” She looked up at Zari with a crooked smile, “Luckily for you I happen to know someone uniquely qualified to discuss that very topic. Trust me, I know about feeling like a fake.” she grimaced slightly, “Though it may be the blind leading the blind, we can do our best." She smiled wryly. "Little did you know locking me in here to get me to open up would get you too.”
Zari laughed, feeling slightly lighter than she had before. Maybe even two burdens shared lightens the load. “I bet the other Zari could have set up a mechanism to avoid that.” she says, trying for a joking tone, as if those comparisons hadn’t been consuming her thoughts for days. “Like the door only opens when you admit how you’re feeling. Or sneakily engineered a fake mission requiring some truth serum.”
“I like the Zari Tarazi way.” Ava said, smiling gently. Zari thought Ava should probably give herself more credit for emotional intelligence. “Besides, that sounds far too much like one of Gideon’s schemes, like how she apparently had to stick your other timeline self into a time loop to get her to connect with the team.”
Zari blinked quickly, trying not to let her surprise be too evident on her face. “She… she had trouble with that?”
“I mean, I wasn’t there for most of it, but sure. Sara,” her voice caught slightly, before she recovered and continued speaking, “isn’t exactly the most emotionally forthcoming person, but I do remember how frustrated she used to get when we were first talking, about how the other Zari wouldn’t work properly with them or let them in and understand she was a proper member of the team.”
“Oh,” muttered Zari, “She seemed like… she fit in a bit more easily than that.”
“You saw her, hell you see most of the legends where they are now, months into being part of this family. Nobody joined smoothly and easily. I know the other Zari only joined temporarily to try and find a way to bring back Behrad, and she bonded with the rest of the team through that.”
Zari remembered her own thinking about how trying to bring back Behrad had brought her closer to the other legends. “I just feel like maybe… the parts of myself that everyone liked just went and sacrificed themself for me to stay around. I can’t help but think they might want the better version of me back, the one they actually know and love. I haven’t even been able to get up to courage to talk to Behrad about any of this because what if with the memories he has now he prefers the kind of sister who would sacrifice her existence for him, rather than the shallow one who annoyed him for half their lives. Losing him was… it was- I don’t want to find that I’ve just lost him another way.”
“Zari,” Ava said, forcing Zari’s gaze up to meet hers. “It wasn’t only the other Zari who fought hard to save her brother, nor, for that matter was it her who made sure that Marie mission worked out, or somehow managed to stop John Constantine from smoking. But it was her who chose to go back into the totem to protect Behrad. That wasn’t your choice. We all love you, and wouldn’t replace you with a ‘better’ version, even if the other Zari was that. She’s just a person who we love too. Neither of you are replaceable.”
Zari felt like whatever she could say to that would leave her mortifyingly choked up, so she shifted the subject back slightly, putting on a shaky smile. “You know, if you can say you wouldn’t replace me with a ‘better’ version, I can say that for you. I’ve never met another Ava, and let’s get one thing straight,” Ava raised an eyebrow jokingly, and Zari rolled her eyes. “shush. There’s only one Co-captain Ava Sharpe. You’re not replaceable either. Better for you to mess up doing what I got to know you as doing: being yourself, than trying to work ‘perfectly’ like this.”
“And you say you don’t know how to handle emotional depth.” Ava teased, her smile showing how really touched she was.
“Shut up, Miss 'I struggle with emotions except for this wonderful beautiful motivational speech I’ll give you'. The legends have been a terrible influence on us both.”
Ava laughed slightly. “I just remembered something the legends said to me when I first knew them. They said their motto was that ‘sometimes we screw things up for the better’. Maybe that’s what they did to me, screwed me up for the better.”
Zari side-eyed Ava for a second, causing her to pick up her pillow threateningly again. “Oh, you know what I mean.”
“Oh I’m sure Sara definitely screwed you up for the better.” Zari gave an exaggerated wink.
“That doesn’t even make sense, you dork.”
“You don’t know that.” Zari pointed out smugly, “It could be very current 2042 slang.”
Ava got a wicked look in her eye, affecting what Zari judged to be a terrible approximation of her voice. “Ah yes, well, where I’m from, 2213 you know, that kind of thing is just… so two centuries ago, you know?”
“I’ve created a monster.” Zari muttered in horror. “I take back anything I said to combat your insecurities about being created in the future.”
Ava kept laughing, and Zari’s faux annoyance melted into a fond smile.
“You’re not going to close off again when Gidget lets us out, are you? We won’t stop working hard to find Sara, but everyone worries about you too, and all the legends want to help, like family. I’m sure wherever Sara is, she doesn’t want you feeling like this.” Zari held a hand up as she saw Ava opening her mouth to argue. “Do you want us all to have to deal with her and her knives because we let her girlfriend feel like this while she was gone?”
Ava laughed shakily and slowly nodded. “I’ll- I’ll try. And you know that you, not only the other Zari, are just as much a part of that family? Which means you can tell us how you feel, and we will try and help.”
Zari nodded too. “I’ll try and sit down with Behrad at least once we’re out of here.”
“Good. Don’t make me have to organise a repeat of this.”
“Please,” Zari rolled her eyes, “Don’t pretend you don’t wish you and your binders could have been involved in my master plans.” Her voice softened, “And Ava?”
“Hm?”
“Trust me, I know fake friends. You’re the realest friend I’ve ever had.”
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Once they'd tackled the emotional elephant in the room, they fell back into the familiar pattern of their previous hang outs. Ava was extremely excited about Zari’s bookclub book choice, and Zari made her promise she could pay her back for it by doing a StabCast x dragongirl collab (despite Ava’s questioning about how that would work with the timeline, because when you’re releasing podcasts in the temporal zone… when in the timeline are they even appearing on the internet?).
As the audiobook played in the background, they drowsily discussed what this episode would entail until Ava fell into what Zari suspected might have been the deepest sleep she’d had in weeks (“don’t want… our room… memories… office better.” had been all Zari caught of Ava’s explanation of her sleep deprivation.) against Zari’s shoulder. Zari must have drifted off too, as when she opened her eyes the doors were sliding open, and Gidget was speaking.
“Isolated lockdown completed.”
They made their way to the galley to get some breakfast, having finished the few plates Zari had fabricated for them a couple of hours ago. The rest of the legends were already sitting around eating as they walked in, but it wasn’t them that Zari saw Ava’s gaze go to.
“Mona? Nora?!” Ava gasped, looking around in shock.
Mona bounced up and hugged Ava tightly “Zari told us you were stuck in the angsty part of your romance.” Nora elbowed her gently “Sorry, I’ve spent too much time plotting recently.”
“She told us you’d gone full Director Sharpe, and clearly she knows you well enough to know that book club is the best way to snap you out of that.” Nora looked at Ava, who gave her a slight nod, before embracing her gently.
“How did you get them here?” Ava said, her face still filled with pleased shock.
“Be glad you didn’t confiscate my phone for good.” Zari replied. “I simply used my carefully honed social media skills to track them down and-”
“Future Mona is a fan and so Zari just dmed her, then got Nate to fetch us in the jumpship while you were trapped.” Nora explained with a laugh.
"Yes, future Mona! It was a lot more impressive than- you know what?” Zari said. “Whatever, my body needs breakfast before my skin starts to suffer from the sleep deprivation.”
She watched for a moment as the other legends greeted Ava, Nate pulling her into a brotherly hug as John inclined his head to her not unkindly, and shot Zari his version of a warm smile (They really did need to have that conversation.).
"Glad you're back." Mick said gruffly, nodding at Ava with badly disguised affection. "Lita'll be glad to hear from you."
Zari turned around, hiding a fond smile as the others chattered behind her. A warm feeling spread through her chest when she saw someone had got her juice ready for her already.
She grabbed the glass, turning to watch the scene in front of her for a minute. Nora and Mona sitting on either side of Ava as Nate tried to persuade her to do a StabCast episode on some historical mystery he was reading about, while Mick put in suggestions of people he had met in prison. Ava was smiling, her hair messily loose over her shoulders. She looked better.
Zari almost jumped in the air as she felt a hand settle on her shoulder. She turned to see Behrad standing next to her.
“You did good, Ari.” He said, calling her by the nickname he hadn’t used since they were little. For once, she didn’t have a teasing retort. Serious conversations could come later. For now she just leaned into her brother's side to watch her new family.