Chapter Text
Having the next few days off of work helps calm Buck down. A little. Not so much. Not as much as he needs to. But it does help. He never finds out what happened after they left the bar, he went home to sleep and the rest he rather not even consider it. He tries to avoid Eddie as much as he can and it ends up being much easier than he thought it’d be, but that’s because Eddie is busy and he doesn’t contact Buck either.
When Friday night rolls around, Bucks arrives at Maddie’s with a bag of produce and ready to help prepare dinner. “I brought portobellos and shiitakes. Though for the sauce I think mom always used dried pine mushrooms?”
“Yeah, but I couldn’t find any either. I think shiitakes should be just fine.”
“Okay, and the portobellos?”
“We can stuff them?”
“With blue cheese? Do you have any?” Buck opens the fridge and moves a few things around.
“Yeah, second drawer.”
“Found it.”
Chimney is setting the table and Maddie is in charge of the sauce and pasta. Buck works his way cleaning the portobellos with a damp paper towel one by one. He progresses slowly, patting them down and taking off the stacks, going through them like an automaton, mind blank. “So... Eddie was going to go to med school,” he blurts out. Maybe mind not so blank. He wasn’t thinking about Eddie and he feels this statement comes out of left field. He doesn’t even know why or how those words came out of his mouth.
“Okay?” Chim looks at him, confused.
Maddie stops stirring the sauce and turns to look at her brother. “Why are we talking about this?”
“Wait. He didn’t tell you?” Chimney raises an eyebrow at Buck pointedly. “Buck, really? You didn’t tell her?”
“Tell me what?”
“Chim…” Buck warns him.
“Tell me what?”
“Oh, my dude, my man…” Chimney laughs, pats him on the shoulder, and turns to face Maddie. “We had a call the other day, Eddie had a close encounter of the third kind.”
“Shut up, Chim.” Buck turns around to grab the blue cheese, trying and probably failing to hide his face from Maddie and Chimney. He works in silence, smashing the blue cheese with some cream cheese, ignoring them, or at least pretending to. He brought this on himself with his treacherous mouth. Fuck.
“Do tell, please,” Maddie says while still stirring the sauce.
“There was this long-legged blond man giving CPR to our patient.”
“Okay.”
“And well, he turned out to be Eddie’s high school sweetheart.”
“Oh. Oh. Okay, yeah. I see.”
“His name is Tuck and he’s a doctor, Maddie. Tuck.”
Maddie snickers and Buck scoffs at her, “What?”
“Nothing, Buck , just what does all of this have to do with Eddie going to med school?”
“I don’t know, I-” Buck keeps his eyes down on the chopping board, going at it with a vengeance with the mushrooms’ stacks, “it shocked me.”
“Yeah, right, that’s the piece of information that shocked you, alright.” Chim rolls his eyes and Maddie slaps him on his arm.
“Howie, don’t-”
“Don’t what?” Buck slathers a skillet with butter and puts some chopped garlic with the mushrooms’ stacks in it.
“Nothing, Buck, just- Nothing.”
“No, shut up, Mads. Chim? What is it?”
“Look, Buck, I think you know-” Chimney starts and Maddie shakes her head vigorously at him, but he just shrugs and continues talking. “Someone needs to say something, Maddie, it’s been three years. It’s enough. And this whole Tuck thing, I can’t deal with it anymore. It’s too much, Maddie, you should have seen them the other day, at the bar. He looked like a kicked puppy.”
“I can imagine.”
“I don’t think you can. And also, Tuck? Tuck, Maddie, is his doppelganger. Believe me, Eddie has a type and, oh goodness, the obliviousness, Mads, it was overwhelming.”
Buck feels like he’s going through an out of body experience. This can’t be happening. It’s not fair. “Can you two please stop talking as if I wasn’t here?”
“Buck.”
“Chim, please.” Maddie tries to placate her boyfriend, but he’s on a roll.
“We know, Buck.”
“You know what?”
“We know .”
And that does it. There’s pity in Chimney’s tone even though he’s trying to play it off as understanding.
It still reads as pity in Buck’s mind. He lets his spoon fall into the bowl.
They know. They’ve always known. Maybe even Eddie knows. Oh God. Eddie knows. Is this thing with Tucker a way for Eddie to let him down gently?
“Does he know?” It comes out like a whisper. A plead. “Does Eddie know?”
Maddie grabs his hand with a tenderness that breaks Buck’s heart. If she’s being so tender, it has to be because Eddie knows and he doesn’t feel the same.
“I think you’re misinterpreting what Chim is trying to tell you, Evan. And maybe,” she squints at Chimney, “that’s because he’s being so cryptic about it.”
“You should talk to Eddie before you jump to conclusions, man.”
The resolve that overpowers him feels weird. It feels like he might be getting ready to do something rash, but it’s his own reaction and even if it’s scary he decides to let himself go with it. “So I should talk to Eddie.” Buck storms out of the kitchen and Maddie and Chimney follow him.
“Not right now, Buck.”
“I should talk to Eddie, so I’m going to talk to Eddie, Chim.”
“That’s not-” Chimney tries, walking behind Buck.
“Just let him go, Howie.” Maddie approaches them and stops at the front door, grabbing Chim by the arm. “Let him go.”
Buck sits on his Jeep, phone in his hand. He tries calling Eddie three times, but he hangs up and throws his cellphone over the passenger seat before the first ring. He spends an hour or two sitting there, gathering all the courage he can muster.
Get it together, Buckley.
He rubs his face and groans loudly. He picks his phone back up and calls Eddie. This time he lets it ring.
“Buck,” Eddie answers at the third ring.
“Can we talk?” Buck asks abruptly.
“Is everything okay?”
“Yes, can we talk?”
“Yes, of course, wanna come over?”
“I’m- Is Chris there?”
“He’s sleeping. Is something wrong, man?”
“No. No, everything is-” Buck sighs, “I just need to talk to you.”
“What happened?”
“I can’t… please.”
“Yeah, okay, just come over. I’ll wait for you.”
“I might actually already be at your door.”
“Oh my god, you’re ridiculous.” Eddie opens the front door and stands under the dim yellow light. He’s looking at Buck’s Jeep with a lopsided smile on his face, the phone still on his ear. “Are you coming in, or what?”
Evan Buckley never considered himself to be anything other than brave. But, truth is, that regarding his connection or feelings or whatever it is that he has toward one Edmundo Diaz he is always scared out of his mind.
He’s gotten used to living his life on edge thinking today is the day I lose him . Today is the day Eddie notices and kicks him out of his life.
And watching as he flirted with another man has made the spark of hope burn bright and dim out altogether at the same time.
He walks in silence and enters Eddie's house right behind him. “Chris is sleeping, right?”
“Yes. He went to bed early today, by some miracle.”
“Hmm.”
“Buck.”
“Eddie. I’m so sorry, I don’t even know…”
“What’s going on? You got me all worried here.”
“It’s stupid.”
“It’s never stupid if it makes you feel all-” Eddie moves his hands and gestures all over Buck, “-whatever it is you’re feeling.”
“The thing is, Eddie, that you and Tucker-”
“What about me and Tucker?”
“Is there-” Words are failing him and with good reason. He wants to know, but he doesn’t want to bring this upon himself. Why can’t Eddie read his mind?
“Yes?”
“If you two are-”
“If you finish at least one sentence, Buck, I think I’ll be able to answer something.”
“I mean are you two-” Buck keeps stumbling around, his own words scrambling between his brain and his tongue.
“Oh my god, what?”
“If you like like him?” Buck exhales.
Eddie is laughing. From his belly again. That laugh that Buck always thought was reserved exclusively for him. And maybe it used to be and now isn’t anymore. Now it sounds vicious in his ears. It hurts.
“What are we like fifteen or something, Buck?”
“Don’t laugh.”
“I don’t think that’s the question you want to ask, Buck, so ask what you came here to ask.”
“You’re in-” He can’t say it. He can’t ask. The incongruency in his brain is taking over. He wants an answer but he also wants to live the rest of his days in blissful ignorance.
“Evan.”
This is the third time in almost three years that Buck’s heard Eddie call him by his name. It does something to him. The fire burns bright when those four letters come out of Eddie’s mouth. It’s cleansing. There’s a reason he doesn’t use his name anymore, but in Eddie’s mouth, everything is forgiven and forgotten.
Eddie’s staring at him and Buck has lost track of time again. Has he been silent for too long? Maybe he should just end this torture. “Are you in love with him?”
“No. Buck, really. No. Tucker is- No. No, no. Are you serious right now?”
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Eddie.”
“Fine. No, I’m not in love with him .”
Him. Why is he saying it like that? Fine, it’s all fine. “Oh, okay.”
“Would that be all?”
“Yes?” No. Buck knows it isn’t all. He just doesn’t know how to proceed. How to take the ultimate step to break his own heart for good.
“Is that a question, Buckley?”
“Look, I know, okay? I know you know. So just, let me go, and let’s forget this ever happened.”
“What?” The horror displayed on Eddie’s face terrifies him. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I want to know what it is you think you know I know,” Eddie sighs, “that sentence was a mess. Just be real with me, Buck.”
“We’ve been playing this game for so long and I can’t do it anymore, Eddie. I can’t or I won’t, it’s the same. You know I have feelings for you. You know I’m-”
Oh fuck.
By Eddie’s reaction and the way his face contorts maybe he didn’t know. Maybe he didn’t know and Buck is ruining everything. Blowing himself and his best friend, the love of his fucking life, to pieces for nothing.
“I can’t lose you or Chris, Eddie, please.”
“Fuck, look, sit down so we can have a normal adult conversation, Buck.” Eddie signals for the couch. “Please.”
Eddie sits down and Buck ignores him. He walks around the living room like a caged lion. His heart is beating ridiculously fast, completely out of control. He takes two steps forward and three backward.
“I’m tired, Eddie. I can’t-” he sighs, “I can’t do this.”
“Yes, I’m tired too.”
“See? I should go.”
“Please don’t. Whatever it is you think is going on between Tucker and me, believe me, it’s not. I’m not in love or dating or- no, that’s not a thing that is happening. Do you want to know why?”
Oh and does he? Does he want to know why? He dreams every night about why Eddie wouldn’t date anyone since he met Buck. He dreams about Eddie feeling the same way he does. He dreams about the day Eddie finally admits it to him. He dreams.
That’s all this is. A stupid dream that is now about to become his worst nightmare.
He doesn’t want to know why. He shakes his head and Eddie snorts.
“Well, I’m going to tell you anyway, so you better buckle up. It’s because I’m in love with you,” Eddie whispers, and Buck’s mind goes blank. “So, please, I’m begging you right now, don’t leave.”
Eddie’s still sitting on the couch, both hands on his knees, his eyes shining a little. And Buck can’t stop blinking. He walks from one corner of the room to the other and he blinks.
He blinks away the tears that are welling up in his eyes because Eddie does feel the same. And he blinks away the fear of losing him and also the nightmare he thought he was about to live. The nightmare of misinterpretation and rejection. The nightmare of living the rest of his life without Eddie and Chris.
Buck walks from one corner of the room to another until he stops. He forces himself to stop and he stands in front of the couch, in front of Eddie. “I left Maddie’s before we ate.” Because yes, that’s the smartest thing to say right now, Buckley, good freaking job. But instead of laughing or shrug him off, Eddie just looks at him and smiles.
“Are you hungry? I think I can make you something. What do you want?”
This has to be one of the most ridiculous experiences in Buck’s life. It has to be. They just actually confessed their feelings for each other and yet here they are talking about food. Right, yeah, that makes complete sense. “Whatever is okay.”
Eddie stands from the couch and takes a step to the kitchen.
“Is a sandwich okay?”
“Yeah.”
Buck watches as Eddie makes a sandwich for him. As if nothing had just happened.
As if his heart isn’t just hanging from Eddie’s hands.
“You know, our last shift this week? When you came into the locker room and I was talking to Hen and Chim? They were actually talking about you. At me. A shovel talk of sorts?”
Buck thinks he might be having a stroke because this night is being as surreal as they come. He’s about to eat a sandwich at eleven pm, made by his best friend, the actual love of his fucking life, after they both confessed they have feelings for each other and it all feels so-
Natural. Like this is the normal progression of this conversation.
“They said I was blind as a mole. And I guess they were right, because, by God, I did not see this night coming. At least not yet. I think Frank tried to say something about it too during our last session, but I was not having it.” Eddie finishes putting together the sandwich and passes the plate to Buck.
“I only came here because Chimney forced my hand and I got angry.” Buck takes a bite of his sandwich.
“That makes sense. Chim was very vocal about us and our… situation.”
A crumble of bread from his sandwich makes his way down the wrong pipe and Buck coughs. “Our situation.”
“Yeah, this little dance of ours.”
“Of ours.”
“It’s been going for a while.”
“Yes, a while.”
“Stop parroting everything back at me.”
“I’m not.”
Eddie raises an eyebrow at him and turns around to put away the bread and the cheese.
“‘Msorry.” Buck lowers his head and takes another bite of his sandwich. If he’s reading this correctly, their feelings have been mutual for a while. He haven’t been misreading everything. He was right. They did have moments. Several moments. They just couldn’t find the correct way to each other.
“It’s okay,” Eddie reassures him. He stares at him. “Are you, though? Okay, I mean.”
“With this?”
“Yes, Buck, are you okay with this ?”
“This, us, you mean?” His brain is clearly offline right now.
“Oh, for fucks sake,” Eddie takes two long strides and joins Buck at the other side of the kitchen isle. “Buck, put down the sandwich for a second.”
With the sandwich now resting on the plate, Buck turns a little, facing Eddie. “What are you doing?”
Eddie places a hand on Buck’s waist and brings him flush against him. “I wanna try something, can I?”
Buck’s whole body feels on fire and he nods timidly. “Yes,” he mutters.
A pair of soft warm lips find his and-
Kissing Eddie feels nothing like his dreams.
It feels like the earth and rain meeting for the first time, when the droplets beat into the dirt and dampen the grass. Like the moon and the ocean playing push and pull.
It feels like gravity taking hold of him for the first time in his life.
He could get lost in this kiss and he’d happily go wherever this kiss leads him to.
What an incredible temptation love is.