Chapter Text
April was glad she had decided to walk instead of taking the bus, the cold air hitting her cheeks distracting her thoughts. Her face flushed and throat dry from the cold, she swallowed. Letting out a slow exhale, she watched her breath hit the air and create a temporary fog.
She knew this route by heart: from her apartment, down the street, past the library, second alley on the left. Her feet guided her across the concrete jungle as a flurry of black-feathered birds flew overhead. Their cries echoing against the tight line of buildings.
The young woman stopped in front at a stop light, looked up at the sound of twittering, and wiping her beginning-to-run nose on her sleeve. Turning her gaze back to the street, she bounced on her heels as the sign shone a red handprint back at her. Then, her eyes wandered from the pale spring sky, over to the old bookshop diagonal from the intersection, and landed on an outdoor menu advertising the drinks for the small cafe there. She smiles as an idea forms in her head and she quickly changes her route. She lightly jogged across the street to reach the other side before the countdown finished.
April pushed against the familiar weight of the heavy wooden door, the scent of coffee beans and printed pages filling the air around her. The cafe was tucked away in a corner of the bookstore, with rich dark browns and golds melding together in an intoxicatingly welcome color scheme. It was warmer in the shop than it was outside, making April immediately reach up to pull her scarf down, her fingers tingling from the sudden difference in temperature. She quickly walked over to the cafe, the transition of carpet to tile making the clicks of her boots against the floor clear and loud.
“Hey, Mrs.J!” She said to the lady behind the counter. An older woman with grey hair twisted into a bun looked away from the espresso machine to give April a warm, wide smile.
“Hello, April.” She dusted her hands off, probably to get rid of some stray coffee grounds, and walked to the register. “You realize you don’t have to call me Mrs.J anymore, right? Jones or Chloe is fine.”
“Yeah, I know. I just can’t bring myself to say it, it feels like calling my mom by her actual name.”
Looking at her old camp counselor, April was brought back to the simpler times. Times when she would get stuck putting up a tent and Chloe would help her. Times when she fell out a canoe and Chloe would dive in and bring her back to the shore. Times when she would run into the camp stream, without a second thought, and get her foot cut on a rock, limping back to Chloe crying and Chloe would carry April around the rest of the trip. All of this was no problem for her. For an old lady, she was incredibly athletic and was a regular at the park's outdoor gym.
Chloe gave April a tired smile of endearment, resetting the register.
“So, the usual?”
“Yes! And I’m getting four more drinks for my friends.” April stopped and stuttered over the last word, her heart sinking. “Um, m-make that three drinks actually.”
“Oh?” Chloe cocked her head to the side and crossed her arms. “Did something happen? An argument?”
“Well, no. Not really.” April said slowly, averting her gaze. “Uh, I think I’d like a medium hot chocolate and mocha frappe, both with extra whip. Along with a large coffee, half milk and two sugars.”
Chloe nodded slowly, her eyebrows furrowed in concern, but she doesn't press for any more information as she rang up the order.
“There’s some new plush keychains over in the fantasy section. If you find one you like, come back over here.” Chloe said, her tone soft. April looked up and returned her small smile, but the picking of her nails said otherwise.
“Thanks, I’ll go check.” April stuffed her hands into the pockets of her coat, biting down lightly on her tongue.
Maybe coming here was a bad idea.
It was a nice place and the drinks were good and the chairs were comfy and the atmosphere was cozy, but it was tinged with the memories of a certain purple clad turtle. The seat over by the window, where Donnie would draw lines through the dew on cold days like these and flick the stray water at her jokingly. The counter with the extra sugar packets and milk, where Donnie would grab one of the wooden stirrers that he’d later absentmindedly chew on because he’d be too tired to get up and throw it away. The heavy wooden door that he’d struggle to open and when he did, he’d bow dramatically to April with a flourish, both of them trying to contain their giggles.
April shook her head, tearing her eyes away from the cafe.
She pulled out her phone and looked through social media to find some of those weird ads for apps, desperate for a distraction. April had developed a little hobby of trying to find strange and bizarre ads for apps and downloading if the said ads were true to their supposed content. She screenshotted a post about what looked like an anime gacha game, but for some reason, the ‘lvl 1 childhood crush’ suddenly became a ‘lvl 90 demon overlord’.
She turned her attention to the rack of small plastic and fleece charms. She reaches out to squish a little bear's paw before something towards the bottom catches her eye.
April crouches down, getting a better look at the blue sequined charm.
She stops, her hand outstretched, realizing that it was in the shape of a sea turtle. Its black-beaded eyes shone in the fluorescent lighting and, without a mouth, looked back at April with a permanent look of surprise.
“Cute.” April mumbled in a feeble attempt to move her mind elsewhere, but she couldn’t stop the overwhelming amount of memories this place was stained with.
Donnie wasn’t a big fan of keychain charms, explaining that they were distracting and cluttered everything up. But she would see him swinging his key ring around, a plastic purple cat being jostled around right next to the keys. She remembered swinging the little cat in front of him, saying ‘You know you want it’ in a lightly taunting tone. She remembered him puffing his cheeks out before snatching it from her grip, sticking his tongue out and, for once, at a loss for words.
She swallowed hard and smiled at this bittersweet memory, rubbing at her misty eyes. She lightly took the turtle off of the rack and made her way back to the cafe.
Chloe was adding the finishing touches to the hot chocolate when she noticed April, placing the whipped cream to the side and grabbing a cup top.
“Found somethin’ ya like?” The older woman asked with a smile.
“Yep!” April returned her grin and held up the charm, sequins glittering blue and green.
“Oh, how adorable!” Chloe brought a hand to her cheek. “Here, I’ll get it for you.”
“Ah, there’s no need for that, Mrs.J!” The next moment, April’s hands were empty and the little turtle’s tag was already scanned. “Really now!”
Chloe simply chuckled and handed the charm back to April.
“Please, my dear. It’s the least I can do for you.” She gave her old scout another smile, but with this one, her eyes crinkled with soft worry. “It reminds you of your friend that came in here with you, does it not?”
April paused at this question, hand wrapped around the tiny plush.
“Yeah…” She said hesitantly, “yeah, it really does.”
“I won’t ask for any more details,” Chloe mentioned, putting her hands up as if literally taking the conversation away from the topic. “But I want you to know that I’m here. Alright?”
“Okay. Thanks, Mrs.J.”
“Ouch!” Mikey yelped, his eye squeezing shut in pain. “Careful with that gauze, Raph!”
“Ah, sorry about that.” Raph let his grip on the roll of sterilized cotton loosen, becoming hyper-aware of his hold on his little brother's head and exactly how tight the bandage was.
“It’s alright,” Mikey mumbled back, looking back down at the floor, holding the blanket laid over his lap closer.
After a few more minutes of Mikey sucking in breaths and Raph trying to make redressing the wounds as painless as possible, they were finally done.
Mikey breathed out a sigh of relief, nearly letting himself flop back on the couch before stopping and remembering the huge gash in his shell. He leaned forward instead, resting his arms on his knees.
“Thanks, sorry I complained so much.” He didn’t even turn his head to look at Raph, probably finding it too exhausting.
“That’s alright.” Raph smiled, despite the fact that no one but him knew it was there. “I was pretty clumsy today.” He stood and gathered all the medical supplies back into the tacklebox repurposed into a first aid kit, turning to leave. “Do you mind staying out here? I have some blankets set up over on the other couch and I thought that maybe it would be good for you to hang out with Pops.”
“Yeah,” Mikey stood, wincing at the movement, “I can do that.”
He turned and headed to the den, leaving Raph standing alone in the doorframe to the hall. The snapper was still for a few seconds after Mikey was out of sight, before shuffling his way to the storage closet in the garage.
Even as he opened the closet door, finding a soft avalanche of blankets to startle him into dropping the kit, he felt as if he wasn’t entirely there. He didn’t know if it was the shock of losing Donnie, the lack of sleep or the overflowing amount of worry he held in his chest, but something was holding him back. Something was stopping him from being present.
He shook his head violently, pushing the blankets back onto the shelf and shoving the first aid kit under them. He shouldn’t think too much about it, it’ll start to mess with his head and nobody needed that.
Raph didn’t know what was wrong with him lately. Why couldn't he focus on even the tiniest of tasks? He didn’t even think about what happened day to day. It felt too tedious, too constant, and too predictable. Wake up, make breakfast for everyone, check on Dad, check on Mikey, check on Leo, rinse and repeat with just different meals and slightly changing interactions with each of his family members.
Hell, even today, when he’s going to visit the hidden city, he felt detached from everything, like he was copying things into a planner rather than carrying them out. He had been hiding his emotions so much recently, putting on a brave front so much, that he felt drained and distracted.
He needed a release.
“Maybe I should go train.” Raph mumbled, his tone negative and tired. He noticed this and quickly swapped it out with some false positivity. “Yeah, training! I can do that while I wait for April!”
Raph’s feet shuffled across the ground, guiding him to the garage where they stored the extra training dummies. He carefully pointed his gaze away from the Turtle Tank, staring down at the floor. He pulled one off a stack and set it up, not even bothering to have it face him as he got into a stance.
He took a deep breath in and let it out, slowly starting to bounce. He pounded one fist into his hand before letting out a yell and hit the dummy with a clean cross punch. He kept going at this, using his right before switching to his left. As his muscle memory kicked in, his mind wondered.
He thought back to that night, that night he couldn’t save Donnie.
That night he failed.
He couldn’t get there in time, all he could do was scream out Donnie’s name as four stripes of mystical energy beat down on his brother’s shell, feet numb to the cold concrete of the port as he ran forward. Raph’s mind was going simultaneously slower and faster than his body, activating his powers as he pushed Shredder away from his brothers and into the harbor. He didn’t even notice the armored fiend fritz away with a shriek, bright flashes of blue and pink lighting up the murky water, as he ran back to his brothers. He skidded to a stop, only to find that it was too late.
Raph’s thoughts were swirling around in his head, shouting that it was his fault, that he should’ve protected them, that he didn't deserve to be leader, that he had failed them. These thoughts punctuated each jab he landed on the training dummy, causing him to hit harder, aggressive and fast.
The whispers kept up.
It was his fault that Donnie was dead, that Mikey was injured, that Leo was unable to even talk to him. It was his responsibility to look after them, he was the leader, he was the big brother, he was the one that his brothers counted on.
He failed them.
He yelled and punched the head clean off the dummy, but his sudden burst quickly turned to cries. He sobbed and gripped the cloth that hung over the dummy’s wooden frame, his teeth grit so tightly together that his gums hurt. He punched it again, weakly, before letting himself slide to the floor.
“Dammit…” He squeezed out, voice cracking as he tried to suck air back into his lungs only to have it ripped out by the torrent of sobs. He ran his hands over his head and if he had any hair, he probably would have grabbed it in frustration. Instead, he jerked his mask off and gripped it tightly in his fist.
I don’t deserve to be part of the team. I don’t deserve to wear this.
With another piercing yell, he threw the bandana as hard as he could. He wished it would go farther, that it would hit the wall across the garage, that it would make a satisfying slap against the concrete. But it didn’t. It floated in the air for a second before it dropped down a few feet
away, making no noise against the pavement.
Raph’s breath hitched and his throat was painfully raw as he dropped his head, hitting himself hard on the thighs, ignoring the blunt pain it had caused. All he could think of was how ashamed he was and how much it hurt.
Everything hurt.
So, so much.