Chapter Text
Dina was running. Her heart pounding, lungs heaving for breath, throwing all of her strength into it, her body still moving as if through quicksand. Too slow. Too slow. The sun burned bright overhead, hot and suffocating. She could see Ellie in the distance, standing still. Facing Dina, her shoulders sagging in Joel’s oversized jacket. Dina tried to scream her name, but only a thin wheeze came out. She couldn’t run any faster, couldn’t warn her of the danger. Then it was too late. Dina heard the infected, and a swarm appeared out of nowhere, surrounding Ellie until she disappeared from sight. Dina heard Ellie screaming.
“No, Ellie!” Dina bolted upright in bed, the sound of her own voice ripping her out of sleep. Her heart was racing. She panted for breath, clutching at her chest. “No, no…” Her voice was hoarse, trailing into a whisper as she came to herself, sitting here, alone in bed, in the dark.
Tears burned in her eyes, making her throat tight. A cold sweat dampened her hair. Her legs were tangled in the sheets and she kicked them free, swinging them over the edge of the mattress as she fought to control her breathing. She leaned forward, gripping her forehead.
“Just a dream,” she mumbled. “Just a dream. Just a dream.”
Every night it was something different. Always the same place, always that sweltering California sun, always the futile running. But she had watched Ellie die a hundred different ways. A bullet through the forehead from some unseen sniper, an arrow through the chest, the ground crumbling beneath her feet and Ellie plummeting to her death, a noose and a tree appearing out of nowhere, the rope somehow already around Ellie’s neck.
Dina pressed the heels of her hands against her eyes.
“Just a dream,” she insisted. A sob was building in her chest. “Just a dream,” she whispered.
The door to her room opened.
“Dina, honey? You okay?” Robin’s tired voice drifted through the dark.
“Yeah,” Dina said, clearing her throat to hold off the sob. “Yeah, sorry, Robin. Just a bad dream. I’m alright.”
“You sure?” Robin’s small frame was silhouetted darkly in the doorway. “I can get you some tea if you’d like.”
“That’s alright.” Dina smiled, even though she knew Robin couldn’t even see her face. Force of habit. “I’ll just try to sleep.”
“Alright,” Robin said. “Let us know if you need anything.”
Dina waited until the door was closed, and even then she stuffed her blanket into her mouth to muffle herself as the tears fell and the pent up sob shook its way free from her body. She was grateful that Robin had suggested that JJ sleep in their room the last few weeks. It was always harder when she had to console her baby after screaming him awake. Not every nightmare woke her up screaming, gratefully, but it happened often enough that Jesse’s parents knew what to expect now. Robin never failed to offer her a cup of tea.
She cried herself empty, and then lay there awake, exhausted but unable to sleep. How long could this last? It had already been five months since Ellie had left. The nightmares had started a week in, giving Dina enough leeway to pack up and move to Jackson before robbing her of any possibility of restful sleep.
Robin and Harry had tried to help, telling her over and over that she could talk to them about anything. She did her best. She would talk with them about Jesse - they could share that pain with her.
But Ellie.
Ellie.
Ellie.
She just couldn’t do it. She couldn’t bring herself to say Ellie’s name except when it was pulled out of her as a scream in the middle of the night. Even if she did, where would she start? With the anger? The helpless, drowning rage that Ellie had just walked out on her and JJ in pursuit of revenge? The fury that threatened to eat Dina alive every time she thought about it? Or would she start with the fear? The fear that Ellie was already dead, that she had died a week into her journey, or a month, or right at the very end? Or that she wasn’t dead, but desperately hurt somewhere between Jackson and Santa Barbara, and stranded without any help?
Or perhaps Dina could begin by talking about the crawling, strangling dread that she would never actually know what had happened to Ellie, whether she was dead, or hurt, or had just decided never to come back. She could start with the excruciating lack of closure, with knowing that she would never truly know what they could have had together, or whether Abby had been worth it for Ellie, or if Ellie could forgive Dina for what she had said that morning.
‘I love you,’ Ellie had said.
‘Prove it. Stay.’
Dina had regretted the words the moment they left her lips. As if Ellie had not proved her love over and over again by staying and staying and staying when Dina could see that all she wanted was to wander into the woods and disappear forever. As if Ellie had not held Dina tightly when she cried over Jesse, as if Ellie had not fought off her own emptiness to care for JJ as if he were her own son, as if Ellie had not tried to hold up her end of their relationship with arms that trembled, as if Ellie had not given everything to Dina even when she was barely a shell of a person.
But, came the crackling flame, swelling red hot. She left. Dina begged her. Dina needed her. They had a family together. They had a son to raise, so many years to share together, so many milestones. They had been through so much, and had so much ahead of them, and Ellie had left because her revenge mattered more. Dina knew loss, she knew grief. She’d lost so much she couldn’t think about it for too long. But she had stayed strong. She’d put it behind her, grieved without allowing the murderers of her family to rule her life. Why couldn’t Ellie? Why couldn’t Dina mean enough to Ellie to make her stay?
This is where the circling always left her. She made her rounds through anger, guilt, fear, but she always came back to anger. Always came back to the immutable fact that Ellie had abandoned them. But, if nothing else, she finally understood why Ellie had never spoken about Joel. When you lose the person you love most in the world, talking about them feels equivalent to jumping into the ocean wearing cinder blocks for shoes. That was the tradeoff. If you talk about it, you drown. If you don’t, you collapse.
Dina hadn’t collapsed yet, but she could feel it coming. Not today, not tomorrow. But someday, not too far in the distance. She couldn’t find it in herself to care much. She could have withstood anything, living with Ellie in their farmhouse together. She had to be the strong one, the one who kept their family together, the anchor when Ellie was lost in her own turbulent sea. That was a role she knew how to play. But here, with Ellie gone, and the pressure of raising JJ lifted because he was so well loved and looked after by Jesse’s parents, she felt herself crumbling, slowly but surely, her insides charred into a smoldering, blackened ruin.
She lay there until the dawn light leaked through her window, slate gray and wan. It brought with it a chill that settled over the room like a slow exhale. Fall was officially here. JJ’s first birthday was only a few weeks away. The thought put a pit in Dina’s stomach. Six months ago, she would have thought that Ellie would be here to celebrate. Six months ago, she would’ve thought Ellie would be here at all.
Dina could hear JJ fussing in the next room. She rolled out of bed, pulling on pants and a flannel shirt, and opened her bedroom door to find Robin just coming out of their room across the hall. JJ was in her arms, his hair rumpled, his round cheeks creased with sleep lines. Robin smiled softly, reminding Dina starkly of Jesse. Dina smiled too, but she couldn’t meet Robin’s eyes.
She took JJ from her arms. “Oh, hello, sweet boy.”
JJ nestled into Dina’s chest, one paw-like hand closing around her shirt, still blinking sleep from his eyes. Dina held him closely, pressing her nose to his hair. The smell of him was soothing, grounding. It made her feel a little more human.
Robin squeezed Dina’s shoulder then went down the hall to the kitchen. Dina followed her, hearing Harry come out of the room close behind. Robin busied herself making breakfast. They all ate together in an easy warmth, making small talk about the duties coming up for the day. Dina was aware of the particular sort of carefulness Robin and Harry had, as they always did the mornings after the sort of nightmares that woke the whole house. She did her best to ignore it, but by the end of breakfast she was feeling restless, anxious to get away from the overwhelming responsibility of their concern for her.
“We’re gonna go for a walk,” she said, lifting JJ from his highchair, bundling him into his tiny coat and boots over his sleeping onesie.
“Where to?” Harry asked from the sink.
“Just around Jackson. We shouldn’t be long.”
The air outside was crisp and cool. The light was still gray, the sun filtering through a thick layer of clouds overhead. JJ was slung to her chest, facing outward. He’d started to complain in his sling unless he had a proper view of the world. Faced out, his fat legs had to dangle free, and his arms stuck nearly straight out in those puffy coat sleeves. Objectively, he looked hilarious. It would’ve cracked Ellie up. The thought brought with it the echo of Ellie’s laughter, and Dina regretted it immediately.
“Alright, JJ,” she said to distract herself, patting the bottoms of his feet. “Tally ho, huh?”
They wandered down the street, toward the town center. It was still early, so not many people were out and about just yet. Dina didn’t mind the quiet or the lack of company. She didn’t feel like forcing a pleasant conversation right now. Her path took them down side streets, out to the perimeter of Jackson’s walls. They passed by the communal greenhouses, the plastic coverings steamed with the warmth of growing vegetables inside. A few early risers were inside, pulling up weeds and trimming stems. They waved at Dina and she smiled, lifting JJ’s chubby little hand as if he were waving back. She could hear their laughter, muffled through the plastic barrier. She kissed JJ’s head, lifting her hand to them as she moved past.
She wandered aimlessly, not thinking of much as she walked. That was a skill Talia had taught her. They had spent years almost exclusively on the move, and more often than not silence was a requirement in case of any infected nearby. When Dina complained of her boredom, Talia told her to think only of the walking - the sound of her own footsteps, the birds in the trees, the wind in the leaves and the grass. It had worked; Dina learned quickly to while away the hours taking in her surroundings, stilling her mind. It distracted her from being bored or afraid. Talia had called it walking meditation. Dina thought it felt more like praying.
JJ’s excited squeals brought her back to herself and she realized they had gotten within eyeshot of the stables. She didn’t know where he got it from, but her son couldn’t get enough of animals, and horses in particular seemed to excite him. A few horses were out in the corral, standing close to each other, heads over necks, tails flicking idly, their breath clouding in the air. Dina moved up to the fence, propping JJ’s legs over the top so he didn’t stub his toes against the planks in a fit of excited kicking. She clicked her cheek, holding her hand out to the group of animals. A few broke off, stepping slowly toward them, their long necks bobbing as they moved. JJ’s hands waved wildly, his voice going shrill with excitement.
Japan nosed over the fence, her long head larger than JJ’s body. Dina guided JJ’s hands carefully, letting him rub the horse’s smooth gray face.
“Be soft, be soft.”
JJ laughed, the sound pure joy as it bubbled out.
Dina couldn’t help but smile. “Exciting, huh? We like Japan. She’s our friend.” Dina rubbed the coarse hair between Japan’s eyes. “Yeah, you’re a good girl.”
“He’s gonna be riding before he’s three,” came a voice from behind them. Dina turned as Maria leaned against the fence next to them. Maria reached out, patting Japan’s neck.
“It’ll be sooner than that if he gets his way,” Dina said.
Maria chuckled. “I don’t doubt it.”
They stood there in silence for a long moment, the only sound JJ’s excited coos. Dina could feel Maria trying to find her words.
“Dina,” Maria said finally. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you...”
“Maria,” Dina started, cutting her off. This wasn’t the first time Maria had approached her since they’d gotten to Jackson. Her energy had been heavy, loaded, and Dina hadn’t felt equipped to deal with whatever it was she had to say, so she’d shut it down every time.
“Please,” Maria persisted. “I need to say this.”
Dina didn’t respond, keeping her eyes on Japan’s face, her velvety muzzle, the long eyelashes over her dark eyes.
“I wanted to say I’m sorry,” Maria continued in Dina’s silence. “For what Tommy did. He was all worked up when he came back from your farm, and I thought something bad had happened to you two, so I asked him what was wrong. He told me what he heard about Abby, and was pissed off that Ellie wouldn’t go after her. I was...fuckin’ furious with him for even bringing it up to her, but I was glad that she hadn’t gone. Then you two got here, without Ellie, and I…” Maria shook her head, letting out a breath. Dina could hear the guilt, the heaviness in the sound. “I know Ellie wouldn’t have been any the wiser, that you’d all still be on your farm together if that stupid man had kept himself to himself. And I just wanted to tell you, I’m sorry for that.”
Dina ran her palm over the smooth roundness of Japan’s jaw. She’d blamed Tommy too, for a long time. If he hadn’t come, if he’d left well enough alone...
“Ellie made her choice,” Dina said, her voice colder than she meant it to be. She looked at Maria. “Tommy didn’t exactly have a gun to her head. She could’ve stayed, and she didn’t. You don’t have to blame yourself.”
Maria nodded, an expression on her face that Dina couldn’t quite name. “I just wanted to make sure you got the apology you deserved.”
Dina snorted at that. She couldn’t help herself. “Yeah, you’re not the one I need it from,” she said shortly. “But the one who should be apologizing is probably dead by now, so I guess I should take what I can get.” Her voice cracked on the word 'dead', and she looked away from Maria sharply, lifting an arm to swipe at the tears before they could fall.
Maria was quiet for a long time. Dina couldn’t look at her, but she could see her hands on the rail, the tendons flexing ever so slightly. The silence was overwhelming. Dina felt embarrassed at her outburst, hot with rage at Ellie all over again, utterly exhausted at the prospect of feeling like this for the rest of her life.
“We should be getting back,” she said, her voice conspicuously thick, turning away from Maria to avoid her gaze.
“Dina,” Maria said, touching her arm. Dina stopped, but didn’t turn back. She bounced JJ in the cradle of her arms, fighting a wave of tears. “If you ever want to come by for a drink, my door is open. You don’t have to talk, you don’t have to do anything. Just, if you need space to not be alone with your thoughts.”
Dina turned her head just a little. “Okay,” she said, and walked away.