Chapter Text
Gordon used to have really bad dreams about Benrey. The Boss Fight, the arm thing, all that shit. For the first few months of being back, those nightmares wouldn't go away. He doesn't really know what happened, but they stopped, and a softer, fuzzier dream started. It was from when Gordon was a kid, and all he could clearly see was a forest, a deer, a cat, a frog, and a tall, lanky woman with messy black hair. And a kid. A kid a couple inches taller than Gordon, who had no thoughts about safety, and had a scratchy, low voice, and wore a hat with yellow puffballs. Gordon could never quite see his face right, but the air felt so comforting in those dreams. Safe. Happy.
"I just don't understand it." He was sitting across from Tommy at a shitty coffee shop a few minutes from Gordon's apartment. He had a too hot coffee in his palms, a little heart design on top. "Why- why do I keep getting stuck with repetitive dreams? First the boss fight, and now this bullshit."
"M-maybe..." Tommy bit his nail, brows furrowing in thought. "Didn't they say you used to be friends?..."
Gordon stopped moving completely at that, his fingers tensing over his mug. "They were just fucking with me. Weren't they?"
"I, I don't think they were, Mr. Freeman. I believe they were being serious."
Gordon furrowed his brow now, tapping his fingers on his mug, making a quiet clinking noise. Tommy cringed slightly, reaching over and tapping his fingers on Gordon's. Oh. Right. He flattened his hands around the ceramic mug.
"M, maybe if you allow yourself to remember you two as being friends, maybe you'll s, see the memory better."
Gordon nodded a bit, testing a sip of his coffee. It stung his lips but it was fine. He drank it anyways.
Gordon sat up quickly, finding himself reaching out into the darkness of his room. He blinked a bit, looking down at his hands. He had tried what Tommy had said and... Needless to say, it worked. He didn't know why he was so surprised, Tommy is so fucking smart. But still.
He could actually see Benrey last night. The permanent black shadow across their eyes, the shark toothed grin, the claws, the blue-gray skin. He remembered Benrey's mother, he remembered their cat Sonic, he remembered Link the frog, he remembered demanding that Benrey let him try the sweet voice, he remembered the shitty music on the radio, he remembered the glow in the dark stars. It's ridiculous how easily the memory came to him when he let himself think of them as friends.
Gordon couldn't get, of all things, Sonic out of his head. The too big cat that Benrey had had all their life. Who never seemed to get older. Gordon was eating breakfast when he remembered something Benrey said while in Black Mesa.
"Hurry up, Feetman, I wanna get home and cuddle with Sonic."
There's no fucking way that cat is still alive.
He called Tommy.
As he drove up to the address Tommy told him, he saw a vaguely familiar car in the driveway, and a woman with jet black hair and a beanie leaning on the car. When she turned to his car, she had that dark shadow across her eyes and that blue-gray skin. She was older than he saw her last, with wrinkles creasing her face. She stared hard at Gordon as he parked along the sidewalk. Gordon stepped out of his car and couldn't help but stare right back. There was a long moment of the two just staring the other down, but her look softened and she smiled.
"Gordon Freeman?" She laughed quietly, that ocean blue from his dream bubbling into the sky, floating up up and away. Gordon found himself smiling too.
"Hey." Gordon felt a pang of shame. What was her name?
"You probably don't remember me. I'm Benrey's mom, Annabeth." Gordon smiled, walking over and shaking her hand, but she tugged him into a hug. She towered over him.
"I just-"
"I've been coming here everyday since they disappeared, you know." Annabeth whispered, leaning away and turning back to the house. "I've been thinking maybe they'd come back," she turned to Gordon with a sad smile, "but they aren't coming back, are they?" Gordon felt his throat tighten and he shook his head jerkily.
"No- no ma'am. There was an... accident." He fought out. Annabeth sighed, squeezing her eyes shut. Her shoulders shook a bit and she bowed her head.
"Man, actually- actually hearing it hurts." She choked out, covering her eyes and a broken sob erupted from her. Gordon cringed a bit, turning away. She sounded a lot like Benrey now. "I knew I never should have let them work at that shit hole. They, uh, they insisted though." Gordon placed a hand on her back, patting gently. She let out a quiet hiccup and sat up straight, wiping her eyes.
"Sonic is still in there." She said with a wet laugh. "I've been trying to get him, but I can't open the door."
"What do you mean? Is it locked?"
"A locked door never stopped us, Gordon." She smiled fondly. Us. Her and Benrey. "No, they warded it. I don't know what against, but we aren't able to get past any ward that isn't our own. But... You're mortal, Gordon. Maybe you..."
Gordon nodded a bit and started up the sidewalk, the click of Annabeth's nice shoes behind him. He took a quiet breath and reached out, grabbing the handle. The door sprung open, nearly slamming into the wall. Gordon jumped back and Annabeth chuckled.
"Benrey, you dumb fuck." She whispered, walking past Gordon and into the house. All the lights were out, and dust hung in the air, making Gordon cough. "Sonic, pspspsps, c'mere Sonic!" A quiet meow came from somewhere deep in the house and then the quiet pit-pat of paws as that too big cat came barreling over, right up to Gordon and Annabeth, weaving through their ankles. Annabeth smiled down at him, leaning down and scratching behind his ears.
Gordon knelt down and Sonic hopped into his lap, purring, rubbing up against Gordon's chest.
"It never hurts to introduce yourself."
"Hey, Sonic." He whispered, scratching his back. "I'm Gordon." Sonic purred, settling in Gordon's arms. Gordon chuckled a bit, standing slowly with Sonic in his arms.
"He still likes you." Annabeth smiled, petting Sonic's head.
"I definitely remember him scratching me when I was younger."
"That's how he shows love, leave him alone." Annabeth joked quietly. Gordon just smiled, holding Sonic close to his chest. Annabeth and Gordon stepped into the house, looking around. "I'm gonna... I'm gonna see if there's anything that they might need if they come back." She was still holding out.
Gordon could see why. Benrey had never died before. Not permanently.
"Could you check their room?" Annabeth asked quietly, picking at her sleeves.
"Course." The two split up and Gordon pushed open the door to Benrey's room. It was surprisingly neat, and there was a wall full of video games and video game memorabilia. Their hat from when Gordon's dream was hung up beside the display, with a PlayStation patch sewn into the side. Gordon wandered over to their bed and looked at the pictures hung up. There were pictures of Benrey as a kid, with lizards and Sonic and at parks. One near the bottom, half hidden by the bed frame, was of Gordon and Benrey. Benrey was on Gordon's shoulders, reaching up to a tree with shining red apples in it. Gordon smiled a bit. He could remember that one, without needing to sleep and dream of it. It was Benrey's birthday and they wanted to go to an apple farm as a joke, but they actually ended up loving it. Neither of them were tall enough to reach the apples, and they didn't want to ask for a ladder, so they stacked. Like any logical person would do. What the picture didn't show, was right after Benrey grabbed the apple, it had fallen, and on instinct Benrey had pitched forward, throwing off Gordon's balance and throwing the two to the ground. The fall had broken Gordon's glasses again, and Benrey scraped up their face pretty bad. They could hear Gordon's parents and Annabeth shrieking of laughter a few feet away, making no move to help up the two. Gordon and Benrey started laughing in the dirt, tangled up and dirty, but the apple was still in Benrey's hands.
Gordon hadn't realized he was crying until he felt Sonic's rough tongue on his face. Gordon smiled gently, scratching behind his ears.
Gordon grabbed Benrey's hat and their phone and got out of the room as soon as possible.
Annabeth was holding a bag of a few things, and a PlayStation box, the console probably inside.
"It was really good to see you again, Gordon." Annabeth tucked the box under her arm and patted his shoulder. Gordon pulled Benrey's phone from his pocket and held it out to her. She stared at it for a moment before shaking her head.
"No, no, I don't need that. I... You should keep that. They're more likely to go to you first than me, and I want them to have their phone when they come back." When. Not if. Annabeth's hope was infectious, and Gordon tucked their phone back into his pocket. "And Sonic. My apartment doesn't allow cats."
I had nearly forgotten, despite the cat being asleep in his arms.
"Oh, yeah, okay." Joshua had been asking for a cat.
"Goodbye, Gordon. I'll see you sometime." She faltered a bit, pausing at the door, staring hard at the doorframe. "Gordon, please... Call me, when they come back. Let me know."
"Alright, Annabeth."
Gordon was sitting on his bed, Sonic curled up a couple inches away from him, sleeping. He rubbed the fabric of Benrey's hat between his fingers, and he shut his eyes, choking up again.
"Mr. Freeman?" He looked up. Tommy was in the doorway, frowning. "W, we were meeting up with Dr. Coomer and Bubby today, and you didn't answer my call. Are you alright?" He caught a glance of Sonic on Gordon's bed and he smiled a bit.
"I went to Benrey's place today." He mumbled, leaning back into his bedframe, staring at the ceiling. Trying not to cry. "Sonic was there. There were pictures of us as kids, shit I'd forgotten. Just shit that made me remember them and it sucks ass. I want to remember them as a villain, as an asshole, the bad guy but... When I close my eyes, all I can see is him as a kid and a teenager, the kid that took me on adventures and was nice to me, and stood up for me. I hate it." Tommy walked over and sat on the foot of Gordon's bed, reaching over to pet Sonic.
"Well, Mr. Freeman.." Tommy furrowed his brow, staring hard at Gordon's bedspread. "I don't know how to help you. But sometimes letting go is good. The version you let go of is up to you." Gordon thought about it, stopping his idle rubbing of the hat. Tommy got up, checking his watch. "I'll be in my car if you're still coming."
Tommy walked over to the door to leave, holding the doorknob, hesitating.
"And Mr. Freeman?"
Gordon looked over, blinking.
"I'm really sorry for your loss."
And he was gone. Gordon looked over to Sonic, who was still asleep. Huh. He hadn't really though of it as a loss.
But shouldn't he?
He had become friends again with Benrey, while they were in there. No matter how much Benrey pissed Gordon off. Gordon closed his eyes, and thought of Benrey dying as a loss. It hurt. But it made it easier, looking back. Not having to think of them as a completely evil person. It sort of felt like a weight being lifted, kind of? Like thinking of Benrey as the villain was hurting him more than thinking of him as just a person in Black Mesa. What had Benrey said?
"Bro if you shoot, I have to shoot back!"
Gordon hadn't been listening.
He grit his teeth, opening his eyes again. "I'm sorry, Benrey." Gordon whispered into the emptiness of his room. "I'm sorry."
It was dumb, but he could almost hear their dumb monotone voice responding. Probably something snarky, or just brushing Gordon off completely. Gordon shook his head and stood up, setting Benrey's hat on his dresser. He could think about it later, but right now he has plans.
Gordon wouldn't notice when he eventually stumbles into his room, drunk, collapsing into bed with Sonic without really thinking, nearly passing out immediately, but Benrey's hat wasn't where he left it. It had disappeared from his dresser, and in it's place was a flipped open badge, with the never ending name and glitchy picture.