Chapter Text
Hange looked at herself in the mirror and barely recognized the person looking back at her. Her hair was freshly washed and tied up in a somewhat neat ponytail, her face free from dirt, oil and ink that always gets in her face whenever she writes. Her coat ironed and her yellow button-down shirt crisp underneath the dark green fabric. Her injured eye was still wrapped in a bandage but she's thinking of replacing it soon with a neater looking eye-patch. The only piece missing is the bolo tie, customary for commanders to bear around their necks, which will be awarded by the queen later. Her solitary eye looked back at her without any luster, without any joy.
She looked at herself up and down at the mirror, wondering when she ever cared about her physical appearance and thought, 'I'm not fit for this.'
She sighed and turned away from the mirror. She shoved the feeling of self-pity, of inadequacy, of fear to the very bottom corner of her mind as she readied herself for the day. She had a duty to do and that is to be the Commander of the Survey Corps.
"Four eyes," a voice from her doorway said.
She looked up, startled, and saw Levi leaning against the doorframe of her room. He was wearing the same green coat as hers, his cravat looking pristinely white in the midmorning sunlight. His eyes looked bored but she can see the underlying tones of concern, of sadness, of regret dancing in his tired eyes. Ever since their return from Shiganshina, the circles around his eyes had darkened considerably and it looked like he aged a decade after the whole fiasco.
'We both did.'
She plastered a grin on her face, "Good morning, Levi!"
He frowned and entered her room, "Are you constipated or something? You're taking your fucking time."
She waved a hand and glanced at her newly claimed desk, still cluttered with Erwin's things, and busied herself with arranging them again, just so she didn't have to look at his eyes, "Yeah, sorry about that! I'll get down there soon, I just have to find something. You can wait for me down there, Levi."
A pale hand reached out and took hold of her left wrist, stopping its jerky motions and turning her body to face him. She stared at him and saw his blue gray eyes burning holes into her soul.
"Stop it, Hange," he said between clenched teeth, "Just… stop it."
Her eye twitched in irritation and she snatched her hand free from his hold, "Stop what? I'm just tidying up the table. You'd like that, right?"
"Shitty glasses," he spoke in a strained voice. She ignored him and continued to arrange the already tidy desk.
"Anyway, I'm thinking of a new uniform for the Survey – "
"Hange."
" – Corps because we're facing a whole new set of enemies and we don't know their exact capabilities. I'm thinking of using black. For stealth, you know? That would be – "
His hand slammed on the desk, making the candle-holder rattle dangerously and the pot of ink to topple, leaving a dark mess on the mahogany, dribbling down to the floor.
"Shut up," he muttered with his head down, "For one second, just… shut the fuck up."
She turned her head and stared at him, his hair blocking her view of his face. His shoulders went up and down with every ragged breath that he took and Hange felt disappointed in herself. She failed to see that she's not the only one who's tired, confused, grieving and wallowing in shame at the whole fucked up mess that they found themselves in and she had the gall to be selfish, leaving him to suffer alone.
She breathed deeply, "I'm sorry," she whispered so he will not hear the tremor in her voice.
He sighed and tilted his head up. For once, his eyes were unguarded, allowing her to see every single thing that he feels. Agony, fatigue, anger, shame.
"Why are you doing this?" he asked breathlessly, his voice cracking in the middle of his sentence. She knows exactly what he's talking about.
Ever since they returned, Hange had closed herself off, – literally and figuratively – locking herself in the office with the excuse of studying Grisha's books. She barely ate, barely slept and only came out of the room when absolutely necessary.
She's practically hiding and she knows that he knows.
Hange swallowed the ball that had suddenly appeared inside her throat as tears began to form in her eye, "Because I don't know what else to do."
He ducked his head again and inhaled sharply, "I know you're scared."
Her eyebrows furrowed and she bit her lip, trying to will the tears that appeared at the corner of her eye not to fall.
He continued, "We're all scared, four eyes. We never knew what was beyond these fucking walls and now we're hit with this shit storm of a situation and the truth that the whole world is actually after us."
"Levi…" she mumbled.
He looked up, his eyes shining with unshed tears, "We're all scared," he repeated, "But you don't have to be scared by yourself because I'm right fucking here. We're all here. I'm not Erwin who can inspire you to do something or tell you some inspirational speech or some other shit like that but I can listen. Isn't that what you told me? That friends always listen to each other? That's what friends are for, right?"
Her lips quivered and a sob made its way out of her mouth. That's what she told him when Isabel and Farlan died, when his entire squad was slaughtered.
"You were there for me, shitty glasses," he reminded her quietly, his eyes burning with intense emotion as he gazed at her, "Allow me to be there for you, too."
Her resolve crumbled and she cried, tears flowing unbidden from her eye. She felt strong arms wrap around her and she allowed herself to be cradled in his warmth as they both fell to their knees.
Hange opened her eyes slowly, her vision blurred with tears. Some have escaped from her eyes and are now flowing freely down the sides of her face as she lay still, gaze still focused on the ceiling as she tried to comprehend the meaning, the reason, for all of these weird dreams and flashes that's happening to her.
She wiped the tears away with the back of her hand and sat up, automatically reaching for her eye glasses by the bed side table and put them on her face. On a whim, she touched her left eye and found it intact. Closing her right eye, she swerved her head around the room, feeling foolish when she saw her things in the room. She sighed and fell back on her bed.
Could it be that she's losing her mind?
"Hange, you have a meeting with Mr. Reeves after lunch," Moblit said from the doorway as he recited her schedule for the day as noted in his tablet.
The newly appointed manager merely hummed and nodded in response, her eyes still glued on her screen. Her eyebrows were scrunched in concentration as she read the e-mails that were sent to her. A week as a manager had been going well for her, so far, although, despite Erwin's reassurances that she's doing a very great job, she still couldn't help but feel like she fell short of managing the team like Erwin did. She did manage to balance her work and studies at the same time but she's still pulling all-nighters from all the school works and the preparation of reports for work.
"Thanks, Moblit," she finally mumbled and began typing a response to a rather rude customer.
"You really should get your eyes checked, four eyes, if you think I'm your blond assistant," a deeper voice drawled. She looked up, startled, and saw Levi, holding two paper cups in his hands.
"Please tell me it's coffee," she practically pleaded as the raven-haired man put one cup on her desk. She lifted the lid and nearly squealed when she smelled the coffee goodness wafting from the cup. She lifted the cup to her lips and cautiously took a sip of the hot beverage
Her eyes widened and she put the cup down, "Caramel Macchiato? Thank you, Levi!"
Levi sat on one of the chairs in front of her desk, drinking from his own paper cup and he obviously looked pleased with himself for buying her favorite coffee. She took another sip and carefully put the cup down on the edge of her desk.
"How's the work, shitty glasses?" he asked curiously, throwing his empty cup on the bin beside her desk.
She continued to type as she answered his inquiry, "Well, so far so good, I guess? I'm still trying to learn from what Erwin did, trying to follow his steps and, honestly, I don't feel like I'm living up to what he did."
She sent the e-mail and sighed, leaning back on her chair and looking towards the bullpen, "Hey, Levi," she asked in a quiet voice, "What do the others think? Do they find me… inadequate? Or lacking?"
"Hange," he finally spoke but she stubbornly kept her eyes trained at the bullpen. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, "Look at me."
She shifted her eyes towards his.
"You've only been doing this job for a fucking week. We're not expecting you to give an inspirational speech about teamwork every Monday like Erwin did," he admonished.
"But – "
He raised his voice slightly, "I'm not yet finished. And don't tell me that you were trained for the job. You were only trained for two fucking weeks. Did you forget that Erwin was trained for the manager position for two months? And don't get me started with 'doing things like Erwin' shit. He's Erwin; he's a whole different person and he gets shit done on his own fucking Erwin way. You're Hange; you're a different person with your own fucking skills and your own fucking abilities that gets the job done. So, stop thinking that you have to be Erwin, stop this pity party of yours and face the reality that only you can manage the F&A."
Hange felt absolutely scolded at the end of his tirade but she wouldn't deny the fact that what he said was true. She has to refrain herself from thinking that she should be Erwin in every aspect of their work. True, Erwin did a lot of positive things for their team but, given time, she can probably do great things for the team, too.
"Well, I really can't be Erwin since I don't spend an hour grooming my eyebrows," she joked, to which he snorted and rolled his eyes, "But seriously, Levi. Thank you. You don't know how much I needed that," she added sincerely.
He smirked, "That's what friends are for, right?"
She frowned and went silent for a moment, "That's… that's what you said to me…"
He scowled, confused, "What?"
"That's what you said to me. In my dream, anyway," she told him, still frowning.
"Tch," he clicked his tongue and stood up, "All those all-nighters are turning your brain to crap, four-eyes. Maybe you're becoming delusional," he commented as he left the office.
What if I already am?
She laid on her side, studying Levi's face as he slept. She watched the way he breathed in through his nose and exhaled through his slightly opened mouth. She looked at his lids, observing the way his eyes moved behind the closed lids, an indication that he's having a dream. The skin between his eyebrows were relaxed, a dark contrast to the way he scowled all day. His cheekbones looked more prominent than they used be, testament to the fact that he had lost his appetite these past few days. Lifting a hand, Hange gently brushed a few stray hairs away from his forehead, watching as his eyebrows furrowed only to relax again when she laid her palm on his cheek.
Sighing, she removed her hand and laid it on the bed, shivering as the cold night air blew through the open window and caressed her bare skin. She moved slowly, so as to not wake him up, and lifted the blankets from underneath her body, which she wrapped herself with immediately.
She looked at him again and felt her heart flutter, an unknown warmth spreading from her chest down to her toes. He looked so relaxed when he slept, the absence of a frown and murderous look upon his face made him look so peaceful, something that they weren't allowed to do when they're awake.
Tomorrow, they'll be heading off to Marley to rescue Eren from his spontaneous and idiotic plan of infiltrating the enemy land. So many things could happen tomorrow. Many soldiers from both sides may die. Many civilians will definitely die.
She could die.
He could die.
Her chest tightened at the thought and she scooted closer to him, to feel the warmth being emitted by his body, an indication that he's still alive: warm and breathing. Whatever feelings she harbored for the Captain is something that shouldn't get in the way of their mission. They're soldiers, first and foremost, before they became friends, who later became… whatever it is that they're doing right now.
(Passionate kisses exchanged in a dark corridor, in a closet, in her office. Late night visits that usually occurred in his room or hers or her office.)
Hange gently shifted and laid on her stomach, watching the way his bare chest went up and down with every steady breath that he took. She brought her hand up and put her palm flat on the center of his chest, feeling his chest go up and down, feeling his heart beating steadily under her hand. Unbidden, the thought of when his lungs would stop drawing in oxygen came to her mind and she sighed, her mind crashing back to reality. They're soldiers and soldiers are the first ones to get injured, the first ones to be killed. But when she looks at him, peaceful for the first time this day, she found out that she couldn't care less.
She'll take any little pleasure and affection that he's willing to give her, as long as she's allowed to.
She scooted closer to him and laid her head on top of his chest, ear right above his heart and, in the silence of the night, she can actually hear the comforting sound of his heart beating. She was startled when his arm moved and wrapped around her shoulders. She relaxed and looked up, her chin on his chest. His eyes were still closed but she knows that he's already awake.
"Can't sleep?" he murmured in a gentle voice that only Hange is allowed to hear, eyes still shut.
"Mm-mmh," she affirmed. She pushed herself up on one elbow and her right hand drifted towards the back of his head, gently caressing the hair of his undercut.
He opened his eyes, still bleary with sleep, but he managed, "Go to sleep, four eyes. We have a long day tomorrow to get a brat from the other side of the world."
She chuckled, her right hand going down to his shoulder, and settled her head back on top of his chest as his hand began to draw invisible circles on her naked shoulder. They were quiet for a long time and Hange can feel the words lodging itself on her throat, trying to force its way out. She tried to swallow them, to almost no avail.
"Hey, Levi," she whispered.
"Hmm?"
(I love you)
But she can't say those words out loud. They're soldiers, for fuck's sake. Love is not something that the Commander and the Captain of the Survey Corps can give a care about. Their priority is saving their people and saving themselves; they can't possibly fit love somewhere in between.
"… stay alive."
A beat of silence.
"Likewise, four eyes."
She stared at her ceiling, mind reeling, unblinking, unthinking.
She's afraid that she'll start to disconnect from the world.
Hange gnawed at her bottom lip as she read the article before shaking her head and closing the tab, only to type another search inquiry. Her fingers tapped the desk thoughtfully as she read another article regarding meanings of dreams and flashes. She clicked the mouse and opened another tab of article.
She started seeing flashes of her and Levi even when she's wide awake and doing the most random thing. She would be typing up an e-mail and she would see Levi standing in the sand; then she would blink and the image is gone. She'd listen to Moblit rattle off her schedule and then she's seeing an image of a Levi kissing her. She'd be talking to the interns and she would falter in her speech when she sees a chuckling Levi. She would be…
The list goes on and it's driving her insane.
She clicked her tongue and glanced at the clock. It's almost seven in the evening. She would have gone to class two hours ago but her only professor for the night had informed the class that he would not be coming in for the next few days due to an emergency. With that, she decided to stay in the office to do a bit more work and then do a little research on her current 'situation'.
A full month of this shit is a month too long for Hange.
She glanced at the bullpen. Most employees had already gone home and only a handful were left to finish some work that they didn't want to do in the morning. Levi was already gone from his cubicle, so is her other friends.
She felt a flutter in her heart at the thought of Levi. These past few days had been… bizarre to her. The fact that she's seeing all these flashes that involves her and Levi doing… things – which are not all innocent – is doing something in her mind and it made her heart do a little jump every time he steps close to her. It's confusing her because she doesn't know if this is real or if it's her daydreams making her feel this way and she can't exactly tell the man all about her flashes.
She shook her head and started to read the article.
It was a story of a man who was involved in some sort of an accident who lived a different life while in coma. Apparently, he lived a whole different life of ten years – which is only a few minutes, in reality – while unconscious. He met a lady, who he married, and had two children with her when he noticed the peculiarity of their lamp. He studied the lamp for days before it occurred to him that his life is fake: his job, his wife, his children are all fake scenarios and people.
She blinked and leaned back on her seat, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. Could it be that she's having the same experience?
She leaned forward again, intent on finishing the article, when an immense pain erupted behind her left eyebrow. She gasped, not expecting the sudden onslaught of pain and a hand went up to press against her temple. She tried to massage it to relieve the pain but no positive result was produced. A small whimper escaped her lips and she closed her eyes tightly. Big mistake.
She saw a person lying motionless on the grass by the riverbank, obviously thrown back by an explosion of some sort. She walked closer and found out that it was Levi, his face badly damaged and splinters of wood still stuck deep on his cheeks. His body is no good either; she spotted numerous bleeding coming from his torso, arms and legs.
She opened her eyes and gasped. The excruciating pain had vanished, gone as quickly as it came. Her eyes drifted wildly around her desk, swiping aside papers and folders and, finally, her hand snatched her phone once she found it. She stood up and dialed Levi's number, pacing the room as she waited for him to answer.
"Hey four eyes," he said once he picked up the call, "What's – "
"I need to see you," Hange managed to choke out around the ball of anxiety that had formed itself in her throat, "Please, Levi," she pleaded, her voice trembling.
"I'm just in the parking lot. I'm coming right up," he said, his voice uncharacteristically worried and confused before he dropped the call.
Hange sighed and sat back down. She leaned her elbows on her knees, burying her face in her hands. It's irrational, she's being irrational and foolish, she knows that, but she needs to see him, needs to know that he's okay and not as she saw him in that weird fucking image. She can't bear the thought that he would ever be in that state.
"Hange."
She looked up and saw Levi standing before her. He already took off his neck tie and was slightly out of breath; he obviously ran from the elevator to her office. He was looking at her hunched form, worry and concern etched on his face.
She sighed in relief and, before she could stop herself, she reached out and drew him closer to her. Wrapping her arms around his torso, she buried her face on his stomach and ignored his protests.
"Oi, four eyes! What the fuck?!" he exclaimed as he tried to loosen her grip on him. She tightened her arms around him slightly.
"Please, Levi," she whispered against him as she felt tears escape her eyes and he stopped his struggles, "Just this once, please humor me and listen to what I have to say."
In a shaky voice, she told him what she saw. How damaged his whole body was, how the green fabric of his cloak was tattered and bloodied beyond recognition. She described the state of his barely recognizable face in graphic detail, his bloody and mangled state now ingrained in her mind. All the while, Levi listened, letting her head rest against him and his hands rubbed comfortingly up and down her shoulder.
She couldn't admit it to herself but she was scared: scared of what she saw, of what it could possibly mean, of what is happening to her. She considered herself as a rational person, always able to come up with logical and scientific explanation to things that are going around her life but she couldn't, for the life of her, find a substantial meaning and plausible interpretation for the fucked-up predicament that she found herself in.
There is one explanation, though, that she couldn't bear to face: the possibility of her mind snapping and that she's already going insane.
When Hange had calmed down a bit and managed to compose herself, Levi let go of her and knelt in front of her. He put one hand on her knee and stared at her intently, his eyes boring into hers with intensity. Her eyes studied his face, trying to see any evidence of a bleeding gash or a slashed cheek, searching for an injury that was never there in the first place.
"Hange, I'm right here," he said in a low voice, "Nothing's going to happen to me here. I'm alright, I'm whole and I'm not gonna let anything happen to me."
She bit her quivering lip and nodded, eyes still tracing his cheeks.
He clicked his tongue and grabbed her hand, placing her palm flat on his warm and definitely unblemished cheek, "You see, four eyes? There's nothing wrong with my face."
"Sorry about that, Levi," she whispered, her thumb running over his smooth cheekbone by its own accord, "I was just… I was so worried."
He sighed, putting his hand on top of hers that was still against his cheek, "And there's nothing for you to worry about. I'm alright," he repeated and stood up, his hand still holding hers, "What you need to do now is to rest. It's probably all those stress from the fucking promotion that's getting to your brain. Come on, I'll drive you to your place."
It was her turn to sigh, trying to ease the tension and anxiety still residing inside her chest, "Okay," she exhaled and mustered up enough strength to smile up at him, "Thank you, Levi."
"Tch," was his only response. He grabbed her bag, which was hanging behind her chair and pulled her up. In a rare show of chivalry, Levi had offered to carry her backpack, filled with her university books, and complained to the weight of it and she only laughed. She snatched her phone from the desk where she tossed it and turned off the lights of her office on their way out. The employees at the bullpen were already gone and it appears that they were the only two left of their department. The elevator ride from their office at the 18th floor to the parking lot was filled with small talk about their day and Hange wasn't complain when he didn't let go of her hand.
It hit her like a ton of bricks.
She was doing nothing in particular, just reviewing a report that was sent by Mike about his team's productivity and typing up points for them to improve when her eyes suddenly widened at the onslaught of memories that invaded her mind.
She remembered gigantic creature, Titans her mind named.
She remembered her Titan subjects, Albert and Chikatilo, Sawney and Bean.
She remembered Eren's Titan form, Mikasa's abilities, Armin's intelligence, Sasha's love for food, Jean's cockiness, Connie's obliviousness.
She saw Erwin naming her as the next Commander of the Survey Corps.
She recalled the events of Shiganshina: the recon mission, Erwin's death, Bertholdt's death.
Her mind conjured the four years of preparation against possible attack from Marley.
Levi's passionate kisses, gentle caresses and low whispers in the dead of the night.
Levi's injured state, caused by the thunder spear that she designed. Escaping the Yeagerists and their pursuers.
The ground Rumbling.
Tending to Levi. Imagining a life with him in the forest as she felt all's lost.
Creating the Alliance.
Preparing their escape to port.
Feeling the ground shaking, rumbling beneath their feet.
Appointing Armin as the 15 th Commander of the Survey Corps.
Facing Levi's broken form as she prepared to sacrifice herself.
She kept her eye from looking at him for fear that her resolve would crumble and fall the moment she met his eye. They match now, she thinks morbidly.
She doesn't want to do this. No, what she wants to do is to lay down with Levi at the forest, the fire and their shared body heat enough to keep them warm. She wants to build a new life with him where they have no worries, no responsibilities; a life that she longed for with him for as long as she can remember.
Hange wanted to tell him so many things. She wants to tell him her favorite moments of the two of them. She wants to tell him that she always wanted to see the ocean with just him as her company. She wants him to know how much his existence meant to her, to tell him that the scope of her concern for him goes beyond camaraderie, beyond friends, hell even beyond lovers. There's no proper label for what the two of them shared. She wants to tell him many, many more things, an entire galaxy of testament that she wants him to know.
She had no other choice. She's the Commander, she brought them this far and she'll be damned if she doesn't do her job.
She stepped close to him and spoke in a low voice, "You understand. It's finally here, you know?" she asked rhetorically, hoping that he didn't notice the way her words were choked, "It's my turn. I want to look as cool as I possibly can right now. So just let me go, will you?"
He was silent for a long time before he raised a fist and gently placed it on the center of her chest, right above her heart.
"Devote… your heart," he whispered in a broken voice.
Her eye widened, tears appearing on the corner of her eye and her lip quivered as she felt her heart burst with emotions. She wants to embrace him, to feel his warmth against her body for the last time, to feel his still beating heart against her palm the way she had done for so many nights. It seemed like an eternity ago and she would give anything to go back to those quiet nights, where their breaths and their whispers and their beating hearts were the only thing that she can hear.
But she has a job to do.
She knows him better than anyone and she's confident that he will live. But he already faced so many losses, so many deaths in his life that she's quite certain that he will have a heart beating to the tune of death. She's being selfish, she knows that, but she knows her duty as the last act of being the Commander.
She pulled away with difficulty and tried to joke at the gesture that he made but she knows that it's futile.
She gasped and began to pant, her eyes darting around her office and the bullpen. This is not her world. Her world is being stomped on by the Wall Titans and she had to go back. She can go back, right? She just had to do something, something that can –
Her eyes widened when she remembered the article she read. That man who had a delusion about having wife and kids. Perhaps she can go back to her real world by dying in this one, by escaping this reality that her mind had devised. She had to go back and help the kids and the Alliance. She had to go back to her reality and take care of Levi because who will do it in her absence? She can go to the rooftop right now and test her theory. But she had to do something first.
She called the telephone at Levi's desk. No response.
With trembling fingers, she reached for her phone and dialed his personal cell. Only the incessant ring was heard. She cursed and looked at his desk. He's not there.
She can't stay here any longer. She stood up and ran out of her office, heedless of the weird stares that she got. She doesn't care about anything like that anymore; she's coming back to her world and fulfill her duty as a soldier. She opened the Emergency Exit door, which she knew is the way to get to the rooftop and took off her stilettos, cursing when her shaking fingers failed to unclasp the straps in a single try. Once she's successful, she took the stairs to the rooftop two at a time, thanking every deity she can think of when she didn't trip or fall.
Hange pushed the door wide open, her hair blowing wildly and her eyes drawn towards the railing and she quickly made her way to her destination. She can do this. She can do –
"Shitty glasses?"
She stopped, turned to her left and saw Levi, leaning against the railing and a cigarette dangling between his fingers. She strode towards him purposefully.
"I'm on a break, want some cig – mmph!"
He was cut off when Hange's lips crashed to his, muffling his protests. She cupped his face, holding him against her as she kissed him deeply and willed him to respond. It took him a second to wrap his arms around her torso and to kiss her back but, once he did, Hange can only feel bliss. He tasted like cigarette, mint and those tea leaves that he liked to drink but Hange couldn't care less; she wants to kiss this version of Levi for the last time.
She pulled away when the need for air was too much, leaning her forehead against his and panting slightly from lack of breath.
"Hange," he began, breathless as she was, "What –"
"I was calling you," she interjected, "I wanted to talk to you."
"I left my phone at my desk. Hange, what the fuck is going on? Are you high or something?" he asked, confused and annoyed at the same time, his hands running up and down her back.
With difficulty, she pulled herself away from him and kept him at arm's length. He stepped forward but she took a step back, putting her hands on his shoulders to keep him away. His face showed heartbreak and she felt tears sting her eyes at the expression but she couldn't make this any harder for the both of them.
"Levi," she began quietly, urgently, "I have to go. I'm not from here. I need to go to my world."
His eyebrows furrowed, confusion and rage apparent in his face, "What the fuck are you talking about, four eyes?! Is your brain really that shitty now?!"
She shook his shoulders lightly, one foot stepping back, "Levi, I have to go back to my world! To the Survey Corps, to Paradis! I have to help the Alliance, to help stop the Rumbling before the Titans destroy the world! I have to go!"
"Wha-? Hange!"
She pushed him and she used his distraction to run towards the railing of the building. She placed her palms flat on the concrete and hauled herself up. She was about to raise one foot when an arm wrapped itself around her waist and pulled her back to the floor. Once she's standing on her feet, Levi gripped her arms tightly and forced her to look at him.
"Stop it, Hange!" he yelled, "Just stop it and listen to me!"
She shook her head and tried to wriggle her way out of his grasp, "No, Levi, you don't understand! I'm the Commander and I should be there to guide them! They're just kids, Levi, and they need me!"
"I said listen to me!" he roared; his face thunderous. Hange looked at his eyes and saw how agonized he is at the moment.
"Levi, please," she whispered, "Just let me go, will you?"
His grip tightened and she can already feel bruises forming on her arms, "No, Hange," he said quietly, "I will not. I won't make the same mistake again."
She stilled her movements and stared at the man before her, "You know something," she posited.
He sighed, "Just… listen to me. Please. Don't do anything rash."
He slowly let go of her arms and began to tell her everything.
He told her every single thing: what happened after her death, what occurred in Fort Salta, what they did to stop Eren and the Rumbling.
"Those weird ass dreams and creepy flashes that you see, they're memories from our past life," he explained, "I don't know how it happened, why we're even remembering them but that's what happened. That's what they are."
Hange stood shell shock, her eyes wide and her mouth open, and leaned her back against the railing, still trying to make sense of the information that he's giving her. Levi stood in front of her, shoulders tensed as if preparing himself if Hange is still planning of jumping off.
"So, you mean… I… that… I really died?" she asked, looking at him with a shocked expression on her face.
He stared at her and her mind still reeled at the fact that his eyes, their eyes, are undamaged.
"Yes," he answered, "You died there, Hange, doing your duty as the Commander and as a soldier."
She inhaled sharply and she slid to the floor, her hands holding her head.
"You knew all along," she whispered, "I was telling you about those fucking nightmares and images and you just brushed me off. And it turns out that you knew all this time."
He sighed and knelt before her, "Hange," he said, his voice gentle, "I was still gauging your reaction. I was not sure if you'll even remember."
She sighed, "How long have you known?"
"When we were in high school," he responded, head down and looking at the floor, "It started the way it did with you. Creepy ass nightmares and those creepy flashes. Remember I was particularly snappy those days?"
She nodded as she remembered. There was even a week where he avoided her so much and wouldn't even look at her.
"Yeah, those days I was… remembering, trying to take in every memory that comes in my mind and attempting to make sense of reality. I was confused as hell too because I didn't understand why it was happening to me and why I'm suddenly remembering them when those days were long ago. I thought I was going crazy," he told her.
She clenched her jaw, "And you let me wallow in it?"
He finally raised his eyes, "And I'm so sorry about it, Hange. I thought your experience wouldn't be as bad as mine but…" he chuckled without mirth, "I guess I was wrong. I'm so sorry."
"Damn right, you are," she muttered and sighed, "I really can't be angry with you, Levi. You thought it was for the best. Does Erwin remember?"
"Only bits and pieces. He doesn't remember every single thing but he did recall you, Mike and Nanaba."
"What about them? Do they know?"
"They don't."
She nodded. She still can't wrap her mind around the fact that what she saw were her past life, that she faced a bunch of Colossal Titans, all on her own and managed to take down four.
"That was a really idiotic move, isn't it?" she asked with a chuckle.
"What?"
"Me, facing a bunch of enormous Titans with only two thunder spears and eight blades," she giggled.
He smirked, "Yeah but whatever. Your sacrifice… it really bought us time and it helped us escape. What you did, it was the shit that saved us."
Her eyes welled up with tears again and she opened her mouth to retort, to joke around, but he continued to speak.
"But seriously, four eyes. Don't ever fucking do something so selfless like that again," he said lowly and took her hand in between his.
"Levi…" she mumbled.
He closed his eyes tightly, as if warding off unwanted images, "You don't know… how I lived after you were gone."
When he opened his eyes, Hange was surprised to see tears, "Don't ever fucking do something like that again," he repeated, "If there's anything that needed to be solved, then we'll solve it together. No more sacrifices. We're living a good life here, right?"
She nodded.
"Your brothers are alive here, Hange, so is your parents," he said while his thumb rubbed invisible circles on the back of her hand, "My mom… she's still alive too and you know that. Kenny's still out there, probably killing his liver from all the fucking booze that he's consuming. Our friends: Erwin, Mike, Nanaba, they're right here. My squad, your squad, even the fucking brats are safe. Our reality, our world is right here, Hange. Don't you ever fucking forget that."
She stared at his eyes for what seemed like forever and smiled, turning her hand and intertwining their fingers in a promise.