Chapter Text
BAZ
When I come too again, Dev and Niall are sitting at my bedside. I want to sneer at them, but I don’t have the energy to do so. They both are staring at me, concern etched into their faces.
“Baz, why didn’t you tell us?” Dev starts softly. I want everything to be different. I wish no one ever found out, and I could peacefully talk to my mother as I took my last breath. I took as deep of a breath as I could before answering.
“It's a pitiful death that I did not wish to share with anyone else.” I answered simply. I suppose there really is no reason to keep it secret any longer. They both nod, but they are obviously displeased with my answer. Silence falls upon the room again.
I have a feeling that father and Daphne will be on their way, but I don’t want to ask. I’m sure they have been notified by the school. In the silence I can hear Bunce and Snow talking. It sounds like Snow is getting yelled at by Bunce. She seems to be trying to talk sense into him. I don’t particularly want them at my bedside. That's a lie, I want Snow here, I always want Snow. Tears prick at my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall.
“Basilton, your family is on their way. I want to discuss your condition in private if that's alright.” The nurse says as she enters the room. As the door swings closed, I catch a quiet glimpse at Snow. He looks confused, nothing new there then. I nodded, to which Dev and Niall stood to leave. They both smile at me, before quietly exiting.
“I’m sure you are aware of what disease you have.” She states. I nod, there really isn’t any other explanation for coughing up flower petals.
“You have options to consider.” The nurse doesn’t really show any emotion. She simply states her thoughts, as if I’m not a week and a half from dying. It gets on my nerves, but I just nod.
“I’ve considered the options already. I've already accepted the fact that I am going to die.” My tone is cold, but it doesn’t shock her. I have a feeling she knew already. With me not telling anyone, and the disease being this advanced, it's obvious I’m not going to get better. She gets up and leaves, forcing me to sit in the silence of my room.
I stare at the white walls, thinking about how in just a short time, I will actually be dead. I’m not afraid. I can’t be afraid of dying, because I’ve long since accepted the fact that I was going to die. I thought it would be at Snow’s hand. I thought about that moment a lot. Sometimes at night, I would stare at him, trying to imagine his face as I died. I wondered if he would stay by my side, or if he would leave me to die alone on the ground. I wonder if I would confess my feelings with my last breath, or if it would be a secret that I took to the grave. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore.
I am dozing off when Daphne and father enter my room. His face is stony, no emotions showing. Daphne had tear tracks marking her face. None of the children are with them. I absently wonder if they are going to visit at all, or if they will just forget about me. I don’t know which I prefer. It's my father who speaks first.
“Basilton.” It’s only my name, but I can hear all of the disappointment in his voice. The heir to the Pitch family, pitifully dying of Hanahaki disease. He stands at my bedside while Daphne sits and takes my hand into hers.
“How are you feeling Basil?” She asks me. I almost want to lie and tell her I am fine, but the look in her eyes stops me from doing so.
“I feel awful. I can barely breathe.” I state. Her eyes tear up as she squeezes my hand. I hear a low noise from my father. When I look at him, I can see the tears in his eyes. I don’t understand for a moment, then it hits me. He is watching the last living, well partially living, part of mother die. He sits down next to Daphne.
Nobody said anything for the next few minutes. Daphne patted my hand, before standing to leave. She excuses herself saying she wanted to talk to the nurse. Father stared at me, he was in pain.
“Will you tell me who he is?” He asked after the door swung closed. I was surprised that he didn’t ask who she was. When I told him I was gay, it didn’t go over very well. Maybe it's because I won't live much longer. I shake my head no.
“Basilton, please.” I stare in shock at him, mouth hanging open. I don’t think he has ever said please to me.
“Snow.” I muster up in a small voice. I feel like a child again under his stare. He nods at that. I tensely wait for his answer.
“I see.” He lays his hand on top of mine. I refrain from saying more, as does he. When Daphne enters again, she moves to sit on the other side of my bed. She clasps my other hand.
“Did you talk to the nurse dear?” My father asks her, but she shakes her head no.
“I couldn’t find her.” She quietly says. I know this is a lie. She wanted to let father and I talk. Another coughing fit happens causing them both to let go of my hands. I sit up and take the bucket that Daphne hands to me. She rubs my back in soothing motions as father rests his hand on my shoulder. Finally when the flower petals stop coming up, father talks.
“White roses, your mothers favorite.” He quietly whispers. I freeze, I never knew her favorite flowers. I glance at him while Daphne takes the bucket away. He had tears dripping down his face, I haven’t seen him cry since her passing. I can’t hold back my tears any longer.
A week passes before I see Snow again. It's late at night when he slips into my room. I don’t think he knows that I am awake, so I don’t say anything. He sits down in the chair next to my bed.
“Baz? I know you're awake.” He’s loud in the quiet room, even though he is trying to whisper.
“What do you want Snow.” I ask, trying to put venom behind my words. It doesn’t work because I can’t get enough breath. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to talk, it hurts to be.
“If you tell me who she is, I can bring her here.” He softly offers. I consider what to tell him. I find that I don’t want to take all of my secrets to the grave with me. I want some people to know a few little things about me.
“It's not a girl Snow. I’m gay.” I wheeze out. I sound terrible, even to my own ears.
“Okay, if you tell me who he is, I can bring him here.” He amends. I wonder if Bunce knows that he is here.
“No.” I finally turned to look at him. There are tears in his eyes. I expect him to keep arguing with me, but surprisingly he doesn’t.
“Okay. Is there anything I can do?” He asks. I nod and he leans forward.
“I only have a few days, but when it’s time, I don’t want to die in here. I want to be at my mother’s grave. Can you do that?” I know I shouldn’t have asked him this, but I can’t help it. I really don’t want to die here, I want to be in the most peaceful place I can think of. Snow just nods his okay. I wonder what he is thinking about. He leaves before I can ask him, and I’m too tired anyways.
Simon
The nurse informed us last night that Baz was going to die today. His body had become too weak to combat the disease any longer. Just a few days ago he asked me to take him to his mother’s grave, I intend to do so.
I’m not sure why I showed up there that night. I had been lying in bed, staring at the empty side of our room. I couldn’t sleep, so I let my mind wander. It wandered straight to Baz. I thought about him lying in that bed, alone, and I didn’t want him to be alone. I don’t want him to be alone when he dies. Well, I don’t want him to die. I still don’t understand what Penny was trying to tell me back when Baz first went into the infirmary. I don’t know why I want to be at Baz’s bedside.
I’m still trying to process the news that today Baz is going to die. The nurse thinks he has until ten tonight. It’s not fair, he shouldn’t be dying right now. He shouldn’t die at all. I didn’t tell Penny about my visit the other night, but I think she knew anyways. I couldn’t find it in myself to see him for a week after he had been there, and I felt awful about it.
It's already noon, and I haven’t been to a single one of my classes. The only time I have left this room is to go to breakfast. It doesn’t even smell like him in here anymore. I feel my stomach grumble, I don’t feel like eating right now. I show up to lunch anyways. Penny is sitting at our table already, but she doesn’t have any food in front of her. I slump into the seat next to her. Her eyes are red rimmed, she doesn’t want him to die either.
“Penny, I really really don’t want him to die.” I whisper, pulling her into a hug. She nods, letting herself be pulled in.
“Do you want to go see him?” She asks, even though she already knows my answer. We quietly leave the dining hall without getting any food. I notice that neither Dev nor Niall are here. When we enter Baz’s room, they aren’t here either. I wonder if they already said their goodbyes.
Baz’s eyes are closed when we enter, his chest is shaking with the effort to breathe. The sound his breathing makes is horrible. Penny grabs my hand and squeezes. We both sit next to his bed, he doesn’t wake up. Penny reaches for his hand, still holding mine in her other.
His grey eyes slowly slide open. His skin is so pale, and his hair is matted with sweat. I can’t remember a time he didn’t look perfect. His eyes barely focus on us.
“Hey Basil.” Penny whispers. Baz’s mouth opens, but no sounds come out. Instead petals flutter out onto the bed sheets. She squeezes his hand, ensuring he knows we are there. Gently I wrap my hand around the both of them. Penny lets out a quiet sob before she speaks again.
“Baz, I’m so sorry this happened. This isn’t fair. I’m going to miss you, you know that? I know we didn’t always get along, but still. I wish I could fix this. I wish there was time. I’ll see you again Baz, okay?” Her voice was thick with tears as she said her goodbyes. After she finished she sobbed harder. Baz’s hand squeezed just a tiny bit, he knew she said goodbye.
“Simon, I’m going to go for a minute. You go ahead and say your goodbyes.” She leaned down and kissed Baz’s forehead, almost in a motherly way. After she was gone, I finally spoke.
“Baz, I don’t know what I’m going to do without you. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I’m going to miss you. I wanted to fix this, I really did. I don’t know what to say. I know you hated me, I know we were supposed to be enemies, but this isn’t fair. This is terrible. I wish you just let me fix it Baz. Maybe the person you’re in love with, loves you back.”
Tears are freely streaming down my face now. His breathing is harder, I don’t think the nurse was right. I think he’s dying sooner. Sobs force their way out of my throat. It finally hits me as tears are running down my face, somehow along the way, I fell in love with him. It makes my heart ache, knowing I can never tell him. It breaks my heart that here he is, dying of unrequited love, and I’m finally figuring out my own feelings.
“Baz I’m so sorry for everything I put you through. I should have been nicer, I should have tried harder. I’m so fucking sorry this is happening. I’m sorry I can’t do the one thing you asked of me. I’m sorry.”
I can’t stop sobbing. I keep repeating that I’m sorry. He squeezes my hand, telling me he can hear me. Maybe he's trying to tell me it’s okay. It’s not okay. I can't bring myself to take him to his mother’s grave, even though I promised him. I don’t think he would last the trip anyways.
“Baz, somehow in all these years of fighting, I fell in love with you. I fell in love, but I pushed my feelings away. I didn’t think about them, and now, it’s too late.” I whisper to him. I let go of his hand and lean over, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. I slump back down in the chair, listening to his wheezing breathes become more shallow. Penny doesn’t come back.
Minutes pass as his breathing becomes gasps. I sob loud enough that it drowns out his breathing.
Baz
I am vaguely aware that Bunce and Snow are in my room. I am also aware of the fact that I am incredibly close to death. I feel a hand slip into mine, then another grab both my hand and the other. When Penny says her goodbyes, I use as much strength as I can to squeeze her hand. I can’t speak, only petals come out whenever I try.
Someone left the room, and I assumed it was her. The silence barely lasts before Simon speaks up. He’s crying and telling me how unfair it is that I’m dying. He cries and tells me all of the things I’ve dreamed about hearing. When he stands and presses a kiss to my lips, I can barely feel it. I wonder if this is just a dream. His sobs get louder and it gets harder for me to breathe.
He doesn’t stop sobbing, even when I hazily think that it might be getting easier to breathe. I try to focus on what Simon said. It’s hard to focus my thoughts, but I think he said he loved me. I wonder if it’s enough to reverse the disease. While his sobs don’t quiet down, it does start getting easier to breathe. I don’t think he can hear my breathing over his sobs.
I squeeze his hand again, trying to get him to focus on me again. As soon as his sobs quiet, I try to take as deep of a breath as I can. It is deeper than before.
“Baz! Oh my god!” He exclaims. He lets go of my hand, and I miss the warmth as soon as it’s gone. The door slams open as I assume Bunce and the nurse rush in. Daphne and father had gone to get rest. They said they would be back in a couple of hours. Breathing is getting easier and easier. It's still hard, but I can feel the roots in my lungs loosen.
“I can’t believe it. The disease is dying.” The nurse says, listening to my breathing, “It’s going away.”
“Simon, you saved him.” Penny whispers, I barely hear it. If I wasn’t coming back from the edge of death I would have sneered about Simon Snow saving the day once again.
“I am going to go call Basilton’s parents.” The nurse announces as she leaves. As I can breathe more and more, I can focus more on what is happening around me. Simon is sitting next to me, Bunce is standing behind him.
“Why didn’t you tell me Baz?” He asks.
“Because.” My voice is raspy from disuse and from the petals. He gets an angry look on his face at my answer.
“Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch! If you told me I would have figured my own feelings sooner.” He exclaims. Bunce scoffs behind him.
“Simon, you would have come to me telling me he was plotting, even if he was actually dying. There is no way you would have believed him.” She glares at him. There is a question weighing heavily on my mind.
“Agatha?” I rasp. Simon stares at me with confusion in his blue eyes.
“We broke up weeks ago. I don’t think we will be getting back together now.” He states, like I should have known this fact. I was too busy with Hanahaki to notice they broke up again.
“Why?” I know I shouldn’t ask, but I need to have the answer right now. Simon smiles at me, he’s like the sun.
“Because I fell in love with you.” He states, like it's the most simple fact in the world. He glances back at Penny, who sighs and turns away. He turns back to me, full of hope.
“Can I kiss you?” He asks. I am powerless to speak, so I just nod. Simon Snow saved my life, and he loves me. Aleister Crowley, I’m living a charmed life. There is so much to say to Simon right now, but I can’t think as his lips capture mine.