Chapter Text
John slipped out of Alex’s dorm at 7:05 the next morning, and if he was put off by his sudden departure he didn’t show it. Similarly, John was less put off by Alex’s late-night admission than he thought he would be. So much so that it was killing him not to say something about, just to make it clear that both of them were on the same clueless page. But he didn’t. He spent Sunday reading Alex’s rant texts about his economics research paper and finding memes on Pinterest to send him when a text came through saying he was considering running into traffic since it meant he wouldn’t have to go to college anymore. They were fine, and for all intents and purposes, John should have been content with that. But there was a part of him that wanted to be more than fine, a part of him which seemed to be growing by the hour.
Monday rolled around, and the second John opened his eyes he wanted to close them again, his morning funk that he couldn’t quite pin down a source for carrying over into the walk to school. The last drop off before he would be able to sulk off towards Columbia was the elementary school, Jemmy jumping up onto the short wall separating the sidewalk from the greenery, holding his arms out to balance himself as he walked, his steps wobbly. On any other day, John wouldn’t have minded. But he was in a less than stellar mood as is, and didn’t want to deal with an injured kid on top of that.
“Off the wall please,” He said, Jemmy turning around and acknowledging that he had heard him, only to continue walking without hopping down. Mary-Eleanor gave a short giggle from the other side of John, who huffed.
“James Brennan Laurens, both feet on the ground right now.” He tried, his voice raised.
It worked, but Jemmy didn’t look up from the ground as he got off the wall and fell into step with John on the sidewalk, both hands shoved in the center pocket of his hoodie.
“Why’re you in a bad mood?” He said quietly, eyes on the pavement.
“Adult stuff,” John replied, grateful when he saw the elementary school building come into view on the other side of the crosswalk they were approaching.
Jemmy gave him a short nod, rocking on his heels as they waited to be able to cross the street.
“Last week at therapy Miss Sanders said sometimes all the stuff that happened in South Carolina makes me feel older like I'm an adult, even though I’m just a kid.” He said, the light changing before John could respond. Though his tone had been lighthearted, he felt like he had just been kicked in the stomach. Even more so when Jemmy picked up his pace as they crossed the street, heading off towards the doors of the school without so much as a goodbye, Mary-Eleanor letting go of John’s hand to follow him.
John hesitated before calling out for him, Jemmy turning around before he hit the steps, “I love you, I’m sorry I was snappy.” He said, feeling a little better when the nine-year-old ran back to give him a tight hug and mumble ’love you too Jack’ into his shirt before disappearing into the building.
~~~
The day passed rather uneventfully, aside from Alex and Lafayette acting scandalized during lunch when John accidentally let it slip it was his birthday and promptly insisted that it wasn’t a big deal. Which it really wasn’t. All things considered, turning twenty didn't mean a whole lot when he more or less had the responsibilities of someone twice his age.
But, he couldn’t deny that he found himself grinning at his phone later that night when a text came through from Eliza “warning him” that Alex was scheming something for Thursday. Even if he did hold no regard for his birthday, the closer it got to Thursday the more he looked forward to whatever it was he was planning, the only details Alex had given him being to meet outside of his apartment at 7:30.
“You should bring him upstairs so we can shovel talk him,” Harry said and laughed from the doorway of the bathroom where John, who shot him a glare, was pulling his hair back into a loose ponytail.
“Absolutely not.” He said and nudged past him when he was done, both Harry and Martha hot on his trail as he checked his phone. 7:27.
“Wait,” Martha said, her tone of voice making John uneasy. “He doesn’t know, does he?”
Harry sucked in a breath, and while John was grateful to see when he turned around that their expressions were teasing more than they were anguished, this still wasn’t a conversation he particularly wanted to have.
“It’s not that I don’t want to tell him. But it’s- we aren’t anything near an actual relationship anyways.” He said awkwardly, relieved when they seemed to accept that answer, John giving him a sarcastic pat on the shoulder.
“Go get em’ tiger.” She said and Harry winked, John rolling his eyes and doling out what felt like one hundred and one good night hugs to the younger kids out the door and down the steps to leave the building, the sight that met him in front of his building leaving him at a complete loss for words.
Alex was standing on the sidewalk, his face mostly obfuscated by the colorful array of balloons he was clutching, John’s cheeks flushing red when a passerby looked between the two of them with a coy smile.
“You’re ridiculous” He finally said after a moment, laughing as he made his way to him,gently pushing some of the balloons out of the way so he could see Alex’s face. He looked mighty proud of himself, John suddenly realizing how close he had come to touching his face and taking a small step back.
Alex’s eyes averted to above his head, John furrowing his eyebrows together when an amused look crossed his face. “Your neighbors seem to think it’s cool.” Alex said and John turned around, nearly shouting when his eyes focused on Jemmy, Mars, and Harry leaning out the window of their apartment, all three of them giggling. Since they were thankfully too high up for Alex to clock that all three of them looked strikingly similar to John, he swallowed and tried to take it in stride, waving up to them with a smile.
“Where exactly are we going anyway?” John asked as he turned back around, Alex only grinning.
“You’ll see, but get a photo with me first? I realized we don’t have any.” He said, using his free hand to pull his phone out of his pocket and swipe open to his front-facing camera. John leaned over his shoulder, the image looking back at him on the screen getting to him in a way he hadn’t expected. In the front-facing camera of Alex’s phone, he looked like every other 20-year-old college student in New York City. And even though these were the moments of normalcy he had craved since August, the weight of the fact that they were essentially a lie still lingered on his shoulders.
Sliding his phone back into his pocket, Alex hesitated for a moment before holding his free hand out from his side, and even though it was starting to get dark out John could see the tint of red in cheeks. Wordlessly, he took Alex’s hand in his own, interlocking their fingers like had on Saturday as they walked down the street, laughing to himself at them appearing to have just walked off the set of Up, the balloons Alex was holding bobbing between them.
After quite a bit more walking than he’d been expecting and a subway ride they were in front of a restaurant John recognized from the first and only time he had ever ventured into midtown with the kids, a colorful sign affixed to the door reading Sugar Factory. He let Alex lead him inside, not thinking to let go of his hand as they made their way to where Eliza and Lafayette were sitting at a table in the back.
“Happy birthday mon ami!” Lafayette said and got up to pull him into a hug, Eliza noticing that John had to let go of Alex’s hand to hug back and cocking an eyebrow at him from her own seat. She waited until he walked off to talk to a waiter about something before lowering her voice, John averting his eyes sheepishly.
“Is there something you need to tell us?” She said, her and Lafayette wearing matching curious smiles. John shrugged, suddenly more interested in messing with his napkin than he was in his friends sitting across from him.
“No,” He started, not liking the octave his voice went to. “It’s- it’s really nothing. Not anything we’ve talked about anyway.” He continued and before Lafayette or Eliza could question him further Alex had returned, sliding into John’s side of the booth.
The night flowed on, and John thought absentmindedly that he hadn’t celebrated his birthday, at least like this, in a long time. The year before this one in South Carolina he was juggling a nine-month-old and a contentious custody trial for the kids. And before that he hadn’t celebrated his birthday since he was now soberly realizing, he was 14- his last birthday before Eleanor died.
But he didn’t want to think about that now, especially not when a waiter was approaching their table with some sort of massive dessert concoction with two sparklers sticking out of it. It was set down in front of him, and after a loud rendition of Happy Birthday that almost drove him to emotional tears, Alex stuck out his arm to stop him from reaching for a spoon.
“I know you can’t blow out the sparklers, but you still have to make a wish first.” He said and John closed his eyes, trying to wrack his brain for a wish. After a few long seconds, he settled on one, repeating in his head before re-opening his eyes and reaching back across Alex to grab a spoon and dig in.
~~~
Alex insisted on walking him back home when they were done for the night, the pair walking down the street in comfortable silence, John’s arm looped around one of Alex’s. And while the silence wasn’t awkward, it still felt weighted. He considered bringing up the elephant in his mind, that he hadn’t been sleeping on Saturday night and that he also felt something that he didn’t quite know what to do with whenever he was around. But he didn’t, gently pulling his arm away as they approached his building.
“I really can't thank you enough.” He said, Alex giving him a warm smile and passing the balloons to him to take inside.
“It's not a problem John. You deserve to be as happy as, I think, you were tonight.” He said softly, and John was glad his face was mostly hidden by the balloons he was holding because- dammit, it wasn’t just a small crush. He was half tempted to throw caution to the wind, pretend they were in an A24 movie and kiss him. But this wasn’t a movie. So he settled for pushing the balloons out of his face so Alex could see him smile and say thank you again, a beat of silence passing between them before John finally turned to head inside.
As he got closer to his unit he could hear the familiar sound of Frances whining, taking a moment to catch his breath and shake himself out of how he had spent the last three hours before opening the door. He was met with Martha on the couch, Frances sitting in her lap and crying with her nose running and fingers in her mouth.
“She woke up to you not being here and flipped out,” Martha supplied, John setting the balloons down by the door and slipping off his shoes.
Frances noticed him walking over, but didn’t seem reassured by him simply having come back, continuing to cry as she pulled her hands out of her mouth and reached out to him.
“Daddy wen’ away.” She said through sobs as he picked her up, her small hands holding tight to the fabric of his shirt. Walking in circles around the couch trying to get her to stop wailing, John felt a pit growing in his stomach. No matter how much he wanted to be more than fine with Alex- or just have a normal college coming of age story like every other twenty-year-old, it wasn’t something that was truly attainable. That he’d even considered those things a priority made him feel horrible, his guilty conscience stirring up a memory that hadn’t crossed his mind in months.
He rushed to the hospital as soon as her social worker had called him, giving the couple sitting with him in the waiting room an awkward wave. Even though he knew Martha giving up the baby was for the best, there was still something about the situation that made him uncomfortable, something he couldn’t quite place. Shaking the feeling off, he slowly pushed open the door to her room, Martha giving him a panic-stricken look when he entered.
“I’m scared.” She said quietly, John dragging a chair over and sitting down next to her bed, grasping her hand in his.
“You didn’t get this far to give up now.” He said softly and she gave him a weak nod, wincing in pain and squeezing his hand.
The next two hours went by in a blur, and before John could really fully process what he had just witnessed, a nurse was placing a screaming baby into Martha’s arms. He was more focused on Martha than he was on the baby though, leaning back to grab a tissue and blot some of the sweat off her face. As he pulled away she started to hyperventilate, John panicking.
“What’s wrong?” He said, his mind running through a million possibilities- all of them ending in his friend dying in front of him whilst holding her baby. The nurse still in the room turned around, but before she could rush over Martha put a hand up to stop her, meeting eyes with John skittishly.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
John blinked, it taking him a moment to fully process why Martha seemed to be completely melting down if it wasn’t health-related. The newborn in her arms had stopped screaming, looking between John and Martha with a dazed expression, her dark eyes curious. Her hair was a similar shade to her eyes, which complimented her olive-toned skin, a realization that made John pause. Martha and Rich Oslo were both nearly-white blonde and had paper-thin pale skin to boot. Which could only mean one thing.
Martha had started talking again, but he could barely make out what she was saying through her tears, and the fact that he was laser-focused on the baby girl staring back at him, who he was quickly realizing was his own flesh and blood- not Rich Oslo’s like Martha had been telling everyone for the past nine months. The baby girl that he couldn’t possibly let go home with strangers. Even though he knew it was going to throw his case for getting custody of the kids into a tailspin, John couldn’t just leave her.
Not now. Not ever.