Chapter Text
“Nightmare?”
Jack was up straight in bed, perspiration soaking into his sheets. Seconds ago he was on the beach, fire raging behind him and a mob of faceless savages descending upon him. He tried to escape and back away, but he tripped back first into flames, only to realize his tormentors followed him into the endless abyss, “What else is new…”
Roger had gotten out of bed and started getting ready for the day. The dark boy claimed he didn’t dream but Jack interpreted that as code for he didn’t sleep. Somehow Roger always woke up before Jack did yet he was sure that Roger stayed awake longer than he did. It was one of the many mysteries that Jack didn’t care to solve about his roommate.
“Was Ralph in it?” Roger asked as he slipped on his tie.
“What? No!” Jack staggered, "why do you ask?"
Roger merely shrugged. "Thought I heard you mumble his name," the faint shadow of a smirk appeared on his face, "though your reaction leads me to believe you're lying,"
Jack groaned, "I'm not a liar."
“So did you have fun last night?” Abbigale asked. They had been given some independent study time. Naturally, this leads to minimal study and mild degeneracy. A scene Jack is far too familiar with.
“Yeah,” Jack was not one to make girls feel bad purely for having the misfortune of interacting with him. This white lie was out of courtesy. It made her smile.
“Really? Well, would you want to faf about a bit when this class ends? Then you can walk me to English,” she pushed her gilded locks behind her ear. Jack was familiar with this code. She wanted to ditch class to snog in the bathroom before showing up to her next class with a pretty boy to show off to her friends. Jack didn’t necessarily mind the idea of being a trophy, since it also meant that people would assume he was attracted to the person showing him off, yet the idea of kissing someone who wasn’t Ralph felt less appealing than it did a few short days ago.
“It probably wouldn't be appropriate for a Prefect to be showing up late to other people’s classes,” he was technically telling the truth. not the truest truth but the only one he could give.
She snickered and touched his arm. “You’re smart. I’m sure you can come up with an excuse.”
-
The world was blue and blurry. The weight of the water surrounding him was a cold hug. Ralph wondered why he enjoyed this feeling so much. It was a strange dimension where he could fly, but he couldn’t breathe. Completely free yet utterly constricted. The faint sound of someone calling out came from the world above, so Ralph left his underwater sanctuary to return to the land.
“How long have you been under there?” he heard the voice before he could see who it came from. He recognized it though as his physical education teacher.
He pushed himself out of the pool, “I don’t keep track. I went under when you said to get out of the pool,”
His teacher, Mr. Grey, seemed stupefied by the statement. “That was five minutes ago,” That fact shocked Ralph as well. Time seemed to stop when he was underwater. It was his own strange form of meditation. “Were you on your swim team at your old school, Mr. Martin?”
Ralph gave a sheepish smile, “was it that obvious?”
The sound of the dismissal bell sounded off, “I'll write you a late pass purely because I'm impressed, but you best not make a habit of this,” Mr. Grey let down his professional act and smiled back, “if you want to join our team practice is after class.”
Ralph did need a new distraction. He had been smoking more packs than he'd like to admit and biting his nails bloody. Perhaps a fun extracurricular is what he needed, “I’ll be looking forward to it,”
Optimism wasn’t a feeling Ralph was used to having much of anymore. But walking through the hallways alone, refreshed from his dip in the pool he couldn’t help but feel uncharacteristically sanguine about this recent development. As the fates would have it at this very moment a certain red-haired boy would be walked down a hallway as well, sporting a pretty blond side piece and some new bruise on his neck. Both boys unaware they were about to cross paths again.
For Ralph seeing a flash of ginger in his peripheral vision was akin to a rabbit seeing the tinge of orange from a fox. It was nature's natural instinct to evade danger. Even if his mind wanted to move past this, in light of recent events avoiding each other would probably be better for both of them. to let dead horses lie and avoid each other.
Unfortunately for Ralph, his instincts didn’t take into account the “wet floor sign” that guarded the stairwell.
For a split second, he was flying, and then he was falling, hard. The sound of his body rolling down the steps echoed through the stairwell as well as his colorful curses after he landed uncomfortably at the bottom. Next came the reverberating footsteps of help rushed to him. “You bloody idiot! Can you stand up?” the voice boomed against the walls.
The blond’s body was bruised and banged up in several places but the throbbing pain in his left foot was killer. The way he landed rendered him a cussing mess but in the presence of Jack Merridew he felt compelled to reject the kindness, “I’m fine!”
“Stand up then,” despite his best attempt the strain of trying to get up make him wince, “that’s what I thought. Abbigale, get the nurse!” the blond girl scurry away.
This felt wrong. being unable to leave served to make Ralph’s mind a mess of uneasy unfinished statements, “Jack it’s fine just l-”
“Shut up! Let me do something right for once Ralph!” Ralph wanted to protest but the twinge of fear was stronger than his need to argue. So they sat in silence till help arrived.
It was just Ralph's luck that he was injured enough to be rendered useless but not enough for serious action beyond aspirin and ice. Just enough pain and humiliation for Jack to help him to the infirmary but not enough for him to pass out and forget this moment even occurred. And it was just his luck that his tormenter wouldn't even leave him to ice his ankle in peace.
“You don’t need to stay here you know,” Ralph groaned.
“Yeah but this is better than running a mile in gym class,” that was logic Ralph couldn’t argue. “How’s the ankle?”
Ralph gave the ‘are you bloody serious’ glare. “Hurts,”
“Right. Stupid question,” the two sat in silence in the empty infirmary. Apparently, Ralph was the only idiot who got himself injured that day. The nurse was off in her office leaving the boys to relative privacy.
The only thing more uncomfortable than talking to Jack was sitting in silence with him. The feeling of his cold gaze was an especially unpleasant mix with the feeling of the wet ice pack dripping into his sock. He felt like he was an injured animal being watched by a predator who was conjuring a dastardly plot of attack. At least with him talking he could get an inkling as to the contents of his mind. “So who was your friend?”
“Friend?”
“Girl, Friend?”
“Oh Abbigale,” Jack unconsciously rubbed his neck, a fact Ralph found amusing, “she’s nobody,”
Ralph took the opportunity to tease, “Nobody ravished your neck for breakfast?” he couldn’t help but look pleased.
His smile infected Jack, “how bad is it?”
“You look like you were mauled by a tiger.”
Jack gave a half-suppressed laugh, “Nobody is very toothy,” As the conversion flowed Ralph realized how badly he craved a cigarette. He reached into his pack only for Jack to stop him, “nurse won't appreciate that,”
“Well, I can’t exactly walk to the window,”
“I can,” Ralph watched as Jack stood up and made his way to the window cracking it open,
“That helps me how?” Jack stalked around my cot to draw the privacy drapes.
“Do you trust me?”
“Absolutely not,”
Jack rolled his eyes, “light the damn thing,”
“No need to be bossy,”
Ralph lit the damn thing. He felt smoke fill his lungs warmth fill his body, “hold it,” he held his breath. His throat burned. Jack didn’t bother to fill him in on this scheme instead opting to silently and painfully slowly sneak over to the side of his cot and pull the cigarette from Ralph’s lips. “Don’t freak out,” as the seconds ticked by Ralph felt like he was drowning on dry land. He barely noticed Jack inching closer to his face till they were centimeters apart, “okay, go,”
Ralph tried to blowout slowly but the cough was inevitable. His lungs felt used raw after one puff. He almost hit Jack in the forehead.
Jack walked to the window to breathe, “you okay?”
Ralph caught his breath, “Use that trick on Nobody?” it still felt like he burnt a hole into his esophagus.
“Just you. Saw it in a film. Wanted to test it out,” Jack stole a puff from Ralph's cigarette.
“Good concept. Bad execution. Consider hurrying the hell up next time.” there was that playful banter Ralph loathed. It shouldn't feel so natural to talk to Jack Merridew.
His charm only grown over the years, "wanna try again?"
Ralph nodded. Jack passed the cigarette back to him, let him take a draw, and loomed over him ready. The second attempt was a lot smoother. No coughing or near forehead collisions. Jack walked over to the window. Somehow being with Jack in silence was worse. "So you have a girlfriend," it was less a question and more a statement.
Jack shook his head, "I guess," Ralph looked unconvinced, "she probably thinks that's what it is."
"What else do you call necking between classes?" it didn't seem like an activity you would do with just anyone.
"It's just...necking between classes. Does it require a label?" Jack mused while passing the cigarette back.
Ralph considered that "I guess not," he took a drag. Jack leaned over him; they mastered this skill. Ralph noticed Jack closed his eyes. "A label would be easier though."
Jack pulled away back to the window. As he exhaled he said, "not a fan." Jack looked out the window and Ralph looked at Jack, purely because he was the most interesting thing to look at in the room. He took note of how the natural sunlight made his red hair shine shades of tangerine and marigold. Jack turned back to him. Their eyes meet, “why is your hair wet?”
Ralph ignored his question. He shifted to sit up straighter, “come here,” he commands before taking a puff.
Jack walked over to him and leaned over him. Between them was what felt like atomic particles of space that wanted to bond. He was about to do something senseless but it didn't matter as much as what felt right. He tilted his head up ever so slightly, but it was enough.
Initially, Ralph only intended for it to be a peck but things with Jack rarely go as intended. He ended up grabbing Jack by the tie of his uniform to keep him close, knocking him off balance and causing his hand to fall on either side of him on the cot bed. This was different from their last kiss. Not something sweet in the light of the moon. It was messy and tasted of cigarette smoke. It left them both breathless and panting.
Jack looked down at him. Ralph looked back up into icy eyes that were frozen. Ralph wondered what he looked like at that moment, but he felt higher than any substance could take him. better than the relief he felt after a cigarette. This feeling was primal, “you said you would leave me alone,” Jack's voice sounded hoarse and dry and barely above a whisper.
“That was before you decided to come to me,” Ralph watched Jack, trying to decipher all his small movements, But he looked like a deer in headlights, “you’re shaking,”
“Why did you have to do that?” Jack’s eyebrows knit together.
“Don’t act like you didn’t want to.” Ralph slowly lowered his hands.
"I didn’t!” Jack found his voice again.
“Don’t lie to me,” Ralph reached up to grab Jack by the arms, “lie to your girlfriend or the other kids or the world, but I know you better than any of them. Tell me the truth.”
“I hate you,” Ralph felt Jack's grip on the sheets below his strain. His sky blue eyes were glassy and about ready to shatter.
“I know,” Ralph moved his hand up to Jack's hair. He ran his fingers through vermillion curls. Jack gave in and laid his head down next to Ralphs, in the crook of his neck. The feeling of warm tears soon followed. Ralph didn’t mind. He took in the scent of his cologne and the heat of his body. It was unexplainable. All the negative emotions he would surely feel when this was over couldn’t reach him. Right now the only thing on his mind was the scent of citrus and rosemary and holding this warm body close.
Naturally, peaceful moments couldn’t last forever, or even more than five minutes for Ralph. The sound of the infirmary door opening woken them from this blissful dream. Jack left Ralph's arms with a jump. They listened.
"Jack?" Spoke a sweet female voice. Jack wiped his face and peered out the privacy curtain.
"Abigail. What are you doing here?" He spoke. Ralph tried to look at the girl. All he saw was a flash of pale blonde hair.
"I heard you were hiding out here," her voice carried an undertone of allure. Her footsteps got closer to them. The sound of wet kisses echoed through the room. It was the bitter awakening Ralph needed to pull him out of his dream state. The shame started to set in.
"Now's not the best time," Jack's voice was a hush.
Ralph has a clearer view of the girl. Her good looks were apparent. Symmetrical features and well-groomed, striking red lipstick made apparent against fair skin. you couldn't point out a flaw about her. Ralph couldn't compete with her even if he wanted to.
She peered between the curtains and Ralph caught her dark chocolate eyes. She smiled, and Ralph couldn't begin to understand how anyone wouldn't jump at the opportunity to call this girl theirs, "you two know each other?"
The boys looked at each other and they silently agreed, "you could say that," Jack stated, his lips stained rose by the girl's lipstick.
She didn’t question that. Didn’t ponder the depths of their relationship, not like Ralph was doing. She simply nodded and looked back at Jack. She whispered something into his ear that Ralph couldn't make out. Jack looked at him, then back to her.
This time Ralph could hear what Jack replayed "Maybe later."
Ralph sighed, "go ahead," he said. It wasn't right for Jack to stay. He couldn't let Jack choose him over normalcy, regardless of how good it felt. Jack looked more annoyed than relieved. Abigail didn't notice. Now that Ralph was back on earth he could think straight, and what he realized was he would cause Jack more turmoil by entertaining this fantasy of theirs. It was one thing to have these moments like scattered accidents but actively choosing them over others was simply too much.
"Meet me later. The church," Jack said, in a final attempt to prolong this moment. Ralph only nodded, though knowing he didn't have the heart to go. To be alone with Jack again was certain to end in nothing but lust and tragedy. Abigail dragged Jack out of the infirmary. Ralph laid back, staring at the ceiling, wondering how he got into this mess.
He now laid in a more familiar bed, out of his school clothes and into his sleep clothes. Blond hair dried into stubble waves. The light was still on in their little dorm room but Ralph and Lucas hadn't been talking so much lately. Instead, they had a content silence to listen to, the weight of secrets peppered in. His ankle still hurt but it wasn't as bad as it once was, but the memory of early afternoon still festered in his mind.
Regrets filled him, and Jack's words echoed in his mind. Why did you have to do that? Ralph wondered this himself. The more he thought about it the more his head hurt.
"Heading to bed?" Lucas asked. It was the most they'd spoken in days and Ralph wasn't prepared. He hadn't let Lucas in on what he knew and it was yet another secret he was keeping.
"It's been a long day," he finally decides.
Lucas nodded, and the silence returned. It gave him more time to think, mostly about Jack, but also a fair bit of soul searching. He actually thought about Lucas. He had been looking at boys all day, especially the one's girls would consider cute, yet for the most part, he didn't find the appeal. Yes, some were nice to look at but the male gender was generally unimpressive. That was not to say he was any more enticed by women. Most were prettier than boys but still, he didn't see anything fundamentally more appealing about one gender than the other. Both were equally unexceptional in his mind.
This train of thought leads him to realize he's never truly had a crush on anyone, male, female, or otherwise. Nobody has ever held his attention in any way before Jack. He's never wanted to kiss anyone like he had Jack. It was a strange epiphany and he didn't know what to make of it. Much less what made Jack so special to him. Why the smell of his cologne was comforting. Why he thought about his soft lips like they would break the curse he cast.
He was pulled from his thoughts by a knock on the door. Didn't sit up though, and let Lucas answer the door. "What do you want?" The sneer of malice caught his attention.
"Is Ralph here?" The voice made him sit up. Not only sit up but jump to his feet and rush to the door. Jack stood in the doorway.
"what are you doing here?" Ralph asked, ignoring the palpable rage radiating off his roommate
"You never came to church," he stated. He looked to Lucas briefly before back to Ralph, "can we go for a walk?"
Ralph didn't speak, favoring to slip on some slippers and follow Jack outside. Lucas closed the door as they walked away.
At first, they were silent, getting distance between them and the door, before Ralph spoke, "how did you find my room?"
"I have my connections," Jack replayed. That seemed to be the only explanation Ralph would get. "Why didn't you meet me?"
"I was busy," he was technically not. He ended up stopping by swim practice. He obviously couldn't swim but Mr. Grey was understanding, but after that, his afternoon was wide open yet he refused to give in to his base urges. The thought of Jack crying into his shoulder aided in the endeavor.
Jack didn't comment, leading to another pause. Eventually, he finally spoke, "your roommate hates me."
"He thinks you killed his brother,"
"He's not wrong," Ralph didn't dare continue that conversation. fighting about who killed who would surely not end well
They continued walking until Jack grabbed his wrist. He hadn't been paying much attention to his surroundings, much too enthralled by his thoughts, but he didn't recognize this hallway. Before he had a chance to dwell Jack grabbed his wrist and pulled him into a dark room and closed the door.
A hand crept up his arm till it found his face. Soon soft lips found him in the darkness. His eyes fell closed and his arms wrapped around the cloaked figure. In the dark, it could be anyone, but the only person Ralph wanted it to be was Jack. A small part of his psyche screamed to stop but the rest of him was too far gone to pay attention.
He wasn't the one to pull away. Jack was breathless long before he was, "You're shaking," Ralph could feel the quiver in Jack's breath.
"Don't speak," it seemed more like a plea than a command.
"What happened with Abigail?" It was less a question and more a statement.
"She isn't you," the words made Ralph's stomach turn.
Ralph's arms moved from Jack's back, hands moving to press against his chest, "you know we shouldn't,"
He felt a forehead press against his own, "yep."
"We're going to regret this later." Jack's hot breath heated his face.
"Of course," his hand traveled off his face, back down to his waist.
Ralph could help but smirk at the strange arrangement, "are you going to shut me up?"
That was it before lips met again. Ralph pulled Jack closer by his shirt, keeping their bodies together. It wasn't long before Jack experimentally started running his hands over Ralph's torso, even getting bold enough to sneak under the hem and touch bare skin. It sent electricity up Ralph's spine.
It didn't stop. Jack continued exploring under the shirt, over a well-toned abdomen, and tracing the outline of rib bones. Higher and higher until grazing sensitive flesh with his thumb. It made Ralph's breath catch in his throat. Jack took note and repeated the action till Ralph let out a pleased hum.
"Lights?" Ralph whispered.
"No," Jack muttered back, "it's better this way."
Ralph wanted to protest but thought better of it, instead moving his hand till he found Jack's face. Warm, most likely flushed skin rested under his fingertips. Slowly he crept lower, from jawline to neck. Jack flinched but he didn't pull away, "show me where she marked you."
Slowly, and without words, Jack's hand found his. He guided Ralph's hands a few centimeters lower. The skin didn't feel any different, but the memory of a purple bruise flickered into Ralph's mind.
"Does it hurt?" He asked, fingers ghosting over the spot.
"Not really. It's tender though," Jack nervously traced patterns over Ralph's bare skin. "She's very domineering in private."
Ralph huffed a pleased laugh, "you're a lucky man," he smiled to himself and leaned in, leaving soft kisses at the base of Jack's neck, just below his hand. The action made him tense up, before relaxing again. Ralph slowly moved up, still kissing with barely any pressure until he found where Jack's dark mark should be. His kisses got risque, lightly sucking on the still tender flesh. He felt Jack swallow and his breath quicken.
"Careful," he warned.
"It's already so dark. I don't think anyone will notice," Ralph spoke against skin. To cement his point, he nipped the mark, making Jack moan, before kissing it better.
"Arse," Jack's voice was breathy. Ralph moved back up to kiss his lips, Jack kissed back, with more force. He pushed Ralph back till his back found a wall. He felt his heart rate quicken, and so did Jack, "nervous?"
"No," he lied. Though who wouldn't be nervous in this situation.
Jack slowed down, kisses becoming longer but equally excited. He guided Ralph lower till they were sitting against the wall, then laying on the floor. Ralph didn't know how they got there but he didn't mind. He didn't mind Jack taking his hand and pinning them above his head. The only thing he could think about was his heart blaring in his ears and the way Jack's weight felt on top of him.
The mistake came when Jack pulled away for just a moment and he opened his eyes. The lights weren't on but in this position, there was the crack of light from under the door. It was only enough to outline the fact that there was in fact someone on top of him but it was enough to make his brain malfunction.
For a moment he was back there. Back in the sand and blue sky above him, stained red by the demon above him. His body acted before his mind could think and he pushed the figure off of him. Hard enough that he heard Jack crash into something that sounded like Cardboard.
"Fucking hell! You could have just said stop!" Jack whined.
Ralph sat up, short of breath, and still panicked, "sorry!" Was all he managed.
Jack took that as a cue to stand up and turn the lights on. They seemed to be shacked up in a storage closet. Mostly boxes but there did seem to be some spare blankets there too. He looked around to avoid Jack's gaze but he felt it.
"Did I do something?" Jack asked.
"No," the panic had subsided leaving room for mortification, "I just freaked out."
Jack took that for what it was. Ralph still wouldn't look at him but he heard him sit down in front of him, "you know I'll stop if you want me to."
"I panicked," he didn't want to explain past that.
Jack didn't push, "Just keep it in mind next time."
Ralph couldn't help but laugh "next time?" The idea this would become a regular pastime was amusing. Giving the pair's past but also their present, Implying they had any kind of future was beyond strange. And yet, here he was, sitting in a room with the boy who haunted him all these years. Today it was a simple burst of panic but what would next time bring?
Jack took a while before he said anything, "this was a bad idea," there was no panic or retrospect in his words. They had both agreed beforehand it was in either of their best interests. Still, his words lingered. It was more than a primordial being telling them not to do this. More than church or state. It was instinct. Ralph didn't need to verbalize it for Jack to understand. And yet it was also instinct that seemed to bring them together.
They went quiet again. Jack pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit two, passing one to Ralph. He took it and inhaled, feeling pent up stress escape him with his exhale, "Marlboro?"
"Does it live up to your standards?" Jack teased.
Ralph finally turned to him, "didn't take you for a Marlboro man."
"I didn't take you for a gold flake snob." Jack shot back, "there's more to us than our worst bits."
They took too comfortable silence after that. To call their dynamic anything but bizarre would be disillusionment. Two liars, who have no business being back in each other's lives, sharing a cigarette alone in a storage closet after a desperate display of something that could hardly be called affection. Ralph was beginning to understand why Jack hated labels.