Chapter Text
It wasn’t long before the group settled down in a lopsided circle, Kitty and Fanny were giggling about nothing, Robin was curled up in Mary’s lap as they lent against the couch. Humphrey was forcing them all to drink water as well as alcohol and had found a few chip packets that were now lying open in the middle of the makeshift circle. Thomas was comforting Pat who was not able to hold his alcohol very well and was lent over an ice cream container, his head spinning. Thomas patted his back and rambled about how something so sinful and poisonous was so lovely and desired while also lying on the floor as if he stood he would simply fall over again. This left Julian and Cap lounging on the floor near the large TV, Captain leaning back, resting on his hands and Julian lying on his stomach just watching everyone else contentedly.
“Truth or Dare time!” Kitty blurted out slightly slurred. “Thomas truth or dare?”
“Dare” the boy responded from his spot in the floor.
“Ummm I can’t think of something. Anyone got a good one?” Kitty rubbed her eyes and giggled again she she took another sip of cruiser.
“Mix all the alcohol in the bar together and drink it. It’s horrid.” Julian immediately piped up. He had been given this dare last year and oh boy was the concoction gross. It would get you very very drunk very fast though. Not like the boy needed it.
“Alright then. I may need someone to mix it for me though as the room hasn’t stopped spinning”
Humphrey was the only one willing to make the drink. He presented it to Thomas with a little paper umbrella in it.
“God what a terrible thing” Captain looked vaguely ill as the strong smell wafted across the room..
“Bottoms up.” Thomas tipped his head back and managed to spill at least half of it down his front. The rest made him gag and he quickly stole the container Pat was still cradling and dry heaved. Thankfully nothing came up but the boy did look significantly queezier than before. “Ha I did it, I am the best.” he held his arms up in a victory pose that was not as confidant looking as he probably intended. The others clapped and cheered him before settling down again.
“Ummmmmmmm Julian, truth or dare?” Thomas asked after Pat stole back the container.
“Truth” he stated. Normally he hated to revel any secrets but in all honesty the alcohol had made him lethargic and the floor was surprisingly comfortable.
“Why did you actually join us?”
The question surprised him. He was sure the whole school knew that he was kicked and exactly why he was still he supposed if Thomas wanted to waste his question then he could. “My friends decided that my recent rumour was so bad they didn’t want to be seen with me anymore.” Julian shrugged.
“What rumour?” Thomas asked confused.
“Oh don’t make me say it, you all know” Julian looked around at all the blank looks and realised they really didn’t. It seemed that somehow this group were the only ones to have not heard. At least he presumed the whole school knew, but the blank looks made him less sure of himself.
“It doesn’t matter really.”
“Oh no please you have to tell us now.” Kitty pleaded and the others quickly joined in before finally Julian shushed them.
He stared at a spot in the wall, unwilling to look at anyone and feeling everyone's eyes burning into him. “I was caught making out with a boy from a different school. And someone took a photo of us. To quote my friends ‘we can’t be seen with a faggot, especially with this proof, imagine what it will do to our reputation.’”
There was a stunned silence and Julian felt tears sting the corners of his eyes. Why was he crying? Why was he so hurt by what they said? It was true after all. He liked boys just as much as he liked girls, he always had. He had never felt any need to hide it he just didn’t especially bring it up. He wiped away his eye and laughed humorlessly. “It’s funny really. They didn’t give a shit when they thought I might have sexually assaulted a girl but as soon as I might likes boys as well then I’m a disgrace.”
His vision was blurred and he swallowed back the lump in his throat choosing instead to grab the beer bottle near him and take a swig straight from it.
“I’m sorry Julian. Your old friends are shit.” Pat said crawling across the circle to giving him a wonky hug that was mostly the chubbier boy leaning on him heavily.
“They were hardly friends. It’s fine I’ll get over it” Julian put on a smile as he hugged Pat back before pushing him gently back to his spot next to Thomas. It was a fake smile but Julian had got a lot of practice with them.
“Fanny, truth or dare” Julian smiled at her and ignored the dampness in his eyes and hoped everyone else would too.
“Dare” she responded smiling softly at him. He was pretty sure it was the first time she had looked at him with anything else but disgust.
“I dare you to read out a passage from that romance book over there.” Julian pointed at a particularly trashy looking book complete with half naked couple on the front. Fanny blushed but did fulfil the dare and managed to shift the topic of conversation and have everyone laughing again.
The game progressed with highlights being Pat jumping into the pond, Humphrey admitting he had pretended to have a french girlfriend in primary school to seem cool and Robin and Mary switching outfits. Finally it was Julian’s turn again and after he allowed Kitty to give him some bright red lipstick to match e rest of his look he turned to Captain.
“Cap. Truth or dare?” he smiled at him lazily.
“I shall pick dare.”
“Kiss me.”
“What?” Captain was startled and the others looked at Julian confused.
“You heard me. I dare you to kiss me.” Julian looked at him intently. He had taken a few more swigs of his beer as the game had progressed and by not his inhibitions were gone. He didn’t care if there were other people around, he knew what he was asking.
“I skip” Captain seemd very uncomfortable and refused to look at anyone.
“You can’t skip. Why can’t you bloody kiss me? It’s not like it’s the first time.” Julian joked but Captan wasn’t smiling.
“Not all of us are as open with romantics as you are Julian.” Captain said coolly.
“Oh and what’s that supposed to mean?” Julian could feel his temper beginning to rise.
“You know exactly what I mean. I doubt anyone ws surprised at your ‘scandel’ and if your friends were then they really didn’t know you at all.” Julian was taken aback. Was this really the same captain he knew?
“I don’t think you’re one to talk” Julian retorted “after all all your friends didn’t even know about us before I turned up” Julian gestured to the group.
“I hardly think that we count as something they needed to know, Julian” Captain spat venomously.
“Why because I’m a boy? Come one mate as if that matters to you” Julian knew he struck a nerve with that.
Captain stood and said through gritted teeth “It’s not because of that and you know it.”
Julian stood to follow as captain headed for the stirs. “Then it’s me isn’t it. Just say it, say you hate me, say you never liked me, say you never want to be seen with me again.” the tears were back again but Julian didn’t care he let them roll down his cheeks in fat droplets before splashing to the carpet. “You aren’t better than me so stop acting like it. We don’t count because I’m not important to you anymore, because you want to pretend I never happened just like you want to pretend that you’re straight” the last words came out with so much venom and hate he saw the other flinch.
Captain stiffened and Julian saw how red his eyes were. Good he hoped it hurt the bastard. “It’s because we were children you idiotic self centred jerk. And I wish I hated you it would have made my life a lot easier.” with that he turned and ran down the stairs and Julian heard the back door slamming hard.
All his energy was lost and he crumpled into a pile on the floor. He wanted to scream. Everything felt wrong. He heard sets of feet head down the stairs and when he looked up he was alone. He had fucked up. He had fucked everything up properly. He grabbed the beer bottle and drained it last of it. He wondered out to the balcony and saw Captain down in the garden curled up on a bench. Even from this distance Julian could see the sobs racking his body. He saw the others crowd around him before one by one they headed back, Captain shooing them away. Pat was the last to leave, going inside hesitantly. Captain was still out there, his body still and sitting on the grass below staring up at the stars.
He was still there when Julian finally worked up the nerve to go and sit next to him. The night air bit and nipped at his face but he welcomed the sobering sensations.
“I’m sorry. It’s just, everything’s a bit shit at the moment and. I said things I shouldn't have and I didn’t mean any of it.” Julian wasn’t very good at apologising. He much preferred to weasel out of it than confess to any faults. But this situation was unique. Captain was involved. He looked over at him and saw the moonlight glint of the tear streaks that ran down his face.
“What the fuck happened to us?” Julian asked and Captain laughed bitterly.
“We grew up I think. And we became different people.” he looked away and sighed. There was a long pause. Julian could hear the frogs croaking in the pond and crickets fill the night air. A lump rose in his throat again before he finally spoke, voice cracking.
“Do you remember when we were little and we insisted on camping out in the back yard?” Julian asked.
“I do. I don’t think we ever actually made it a full night. We always go to scared and ran inside before a monster could get us.” Captain laughed softly wiping away another tear. Carefully Julian rested his hand on top of Captain’s. He didn’t pull away and Julian took it as a good sign.
“I think I preferred playing pretend with you” Captain said, “Even if we tended to just play the same four scenarios over and over again.”
“I think most boys probably didn’t play wedding as much as we did. We did throw a pretty good reception for two 6-year-olds” Julian smiled at the bittersweet memory.
A snort came from the boy next to him. “You were a very pretty bride, I think the table cloth veil really helped bring your look together.”
“I think it was my mum’s high heels that made me the prettiest.” the two smiled softly at that before Captain lay down flat on his back and Julian followed suit. Julian could feel the other boy’s head next to his own, their hands still touching.
“I was sure I was going to marry you for the longest time.” Julian spoke, staring up at the moon. “and I wanted everyone to see how amazing you were. I always looked forward to Christmas and big gatherings cause I knew I’d get to see you.” Julian felt his voice get stronger, he felt certain of himself as he took in a deep breath and turned towards Captain. “I miss you. I missed us, missed having someone who cared about me and who I cared about. I’m sorry Charlie. Sorry I haven’t been your friend. But I’m here now and I want to try again. Do you think we could do that?”
Captain looked right back at him before looking up at the stars and barely whispering “Thank you Jules. But its not just you, we haven’t seen each other in a long time and I don’t know if I’m able too. I don’t know if I can pretend the past didn’t happen.”
“What do you mean? Do you not what to be like we were before or at least try?” Julian asked trying to hold back tears.
“No, it’s not that. It can’t ever be like it was before. We aren’t kids Jules.” Captain finally turned and looked at Julian, his eyes were wet. “I wish we could but too much has happened.”
“We can talk about it can’t we? I’m sure we can get to know the new version of ourselves, we can be friends again can’t we?” Julian felt himself getting desperate, his friend had been just within reach but was pulling away again, he wasn’t sure he could take losing him again.
There was a long pause. The wind whistled through the trees and Julian sighed, realising he had truly lost Captain forever. He went to sit up before the other boy spoke and Julian lay back next to him.
“Dad found out.” Captain stated firmly before his voice began to waver on the next sentence “That’s when we stopped going to Christmas dinners with you.” Captain raised his right hand and grabbed Julian's. He guided his fingers across a faint raised line that cut across the centre of his hand.
“30 whips. Every day, until I said I hated you. 10 every day until I said I would never look at any man the way I looked at you.” Julian was stunned. Captain’s father had always been an intimidating figure. He was 6’5 and had been in the military since he was 18. The man had never smiled to Julian's recollection and it was well know he was a tough father. But this? This was monstrous. Captain would have been only 7 and now there was a permanent reminder of his father’s feelings. A permanent reminder of what happens when you love someone you shouldn’t.
“Oh god Charlie, I’m sorry.” Julian whispered, his fingers tracing the faint line before intertwining them with Captain’s. “I promise I’ll never let that fucking monster anywhere near you”
“You can’t do that Jules and you know it. I have to live with the man until next year, until I’m 18, then I’m gone” Captain sat up and let his hand drop from Julian's.
“Stay with me. Mum sure as hell won’t mind and dad won’t notice. We have enough room for you.” Julian sat up next to him and turned to face the other boy. He grabbed his chin and guided it so Captain faced him. “I don’t want to lose you again. Please Charlie, stay with me.” he felt himself draw closer, Captain not pulling away.
“Jules” Captain whispered before leaning forward and closing the gap between them. The kiss was soft and tender, full of years of missing and longing and hurt. The broke apart but rested their foreheads against each other.
“Okay. I’ll stay with you.” Captain smiled before kissing the other boys cheek “I missed you Jules.”
“I missed you too Charlie.” Julian smiled back before helping the other boy up and the two headed inside hand in hand.