Chapter Text
Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
– Oscar Wilde
June 1904
Before that April day, Matthew hadn’t had a good night sleep in a very long time. After Lucie had finally confessed that she reciprocated his feelings and was ready to commit to him, he had slept through the whole night without being awakened by nightmares. His heart felt lighter and warmer, knowing that his Lu had finally chosen to hold it in her hands.
Two months flew by pretty fast, during which everything seemed to have started looking up. The Merry Thieves, Lucie and Cordelia spent a lot of time together, along with Anna Lightwood, Ariadne Bridgestock and even Alastair, who seemed to have grown pretty close with Thomas. Lucie hadn’t heard from Grace and Tatiana anymore since her last visit to Chiswick House, and she was relieved about it; Jesse checked on her a few times, but he was glad to see her so happy and didn’t want to interfere with that. Lucie was finally starting to leave all that story behind. Her parents were also happy to hear the news of her courtship with Matthew. Will Herondale gladly had ‘the talk’ with him and Tessa even started discussing wedding arrangements already.
Over the weeks, Matthew never left Lucie’s side: he would keep her company – and distract her with cuddles – while she wrote; he would go on patrol with her every time she was on duty, and make sure she returned home safely; he would also sneak into her chambers almost every night – always being extremely careful not to be caught by Will, who would stay up reading until very late – and reluctantly leave her bed when the first rays of daylight peeped in through the curtains.
But most importantly, during those two months Matthew didn’t touch alcohol a single time.
· · ·
That night of mid-June, Matthew had been partying with the Merry Thieves – it had been too long since the last time they had went out for a men-only night – while Lucie had gone out for a fun and exciting night with her charming cousin Anna and Cordelia.
Since the boys had been out until the first hours in the morning, Matthew decided not to disturb Lucie and went to sleep at his apartment.
Despite the very few hours of sleep, he woke up early, ate some breakfast and decided to go for a walk around the city. He put on his breeches, boots and a cream shirt under a midnight blue vest. He grabbed a brown coat and put it on. He drew an Unseen rune on himself with his steele, so that mundanes wouldn’t catch sight of him, and finally left his apartment.
As he wandered the foggy London streets, he felt some sort of force pulling him towards itself. He didn’t know where it came from, or if he was meant to follow its path. He tried to ignore it, but it was stronger than he had thought, so he couldn’t help but yield to it.
Matthew had been walking for about five or ten minutes when he found himself in front of Chiswick House. He wanted to leave, but he still felt an urge to go inside, so he walked through the open gates and the garden, until he reached a hidden spot where a glass coffin was placed. Grace Blackthorn was standing beside it.
«It seems you’ve got my message» Grace sneered.
«I... I don’t know why I’m here» Matthew muttered, confused.
«Let me just clear that up for you» the girl said back, her tone as cold and sharp as an iceberg. Her gaze travelled down to meet her brother’s body in the coffin. «Do you see this? This is my brother. This is Jesse» the eerie grin left her face, and a frown took its place. «I miss him so deeply. Imagine losing the only person who truly understands you and gives you all their affection». Matthew could think of more than one person who was able to read him like an open book, first among all his parabatai. He couldn’t imagine a life without him. Had James ever been taken away from him, he most certainly would have followed him, wherever he would go. Even to death. And of course there was Lucie, too.
Grace noticed Matthew’s pensive mood. That made her regain her smile. She had hit the mark. «I heard that you and Lucie have grown close... how lovely».
«The matters between Lucie and I are none of your business» Matthew snarled.
Grace fleered. «No need to get so aggressive».
«What do you want, Grace? We won’t help you, I’m sorry about your brother, truly, but we can’t do anything to help you. Leave us alone» Matthew was about to turn around and walk away, but Grace’s voice didn’t let him. «You think you can’t do anything, but that’s where you’re wrong».
«Lucie is not helping you with her powers anymore».
«I don’t need Lucie. Not anymore».
«You can’t perform the ritual without her».
«Yes, I can. I found a catalyst at the Shadow Market. I’ve got everything I need. Well– almost everything. And here’s where you can help».
«I don’t understand».
Grace smirked and grabbed Matthew’s wrist. He couldn’t find the strength to pull away from her. «I know how you must feel. You’ve finally won your girl’s heart, you finally were her first choice. Everything seems perfect. But are you really sure you’ll be able to keep it that way?».
Matthew faltered for a moment. «Why wouldn’t I be?».
«Just think about it. She was ready to give everything up for Jesse. Her powers, even her Shadowhunter abilities. Are you sure she would do the same for you?».
Matthew’s heart jumped in his chest. He wasn’t as sure as he was trying to convince himself to be. He was hit by memories of Lucie writing alone in her room, a few months before they got together. He thought about the way she would flinch whenever he came in, as if he had caught her with someone else in there. There had been someone else. She had been writing with Jesse. Even about Jesse. He was the mysterious Sir Jerrod, sneaking into Princess Lucretia’s chambers every night to keep her company in her loneliest hours, and fighting by her side during the goriest battles. Had Lucie even made him a character in her stories? Matthew wasn’t sure of it. He thought he remembered another man who seemed to be turning his affections towards Lucretia, but he was in so few chapters that his storyline was almost irrelevant. Matthew realised he was a side character, and he likely would always be.
«I know how it feels like, to always be the second choice. And I know how hard it is to know that you’ll never be enough for the person you love». Grace tightened her grip around Matthew’s wrist. She was talking about James. She didn’t care for him like that anymore, but the thought of him still stung at times. «But there still is a way in which you could make your Lucie truly happy».
«How?» Matthew asked. His thoughts were clouded, he just couldn't think straight anymore.
«Be my price. Be the sacrifice I need to bring Jesse back. I know I’m asking quite a lot from you, but just think about it». She looked him right in the eyes as she spoke. «Would you rather live a life being everybody’s second choice, without being able to really make them happy? You would just end up being a burden for everyone. You already are. But, by bringing Jesse back, Lucie would finally be happy. And it would be thanks to you. She would never forget you. She would finally see your true value».
A voice inside Matthew was screaming No, no, no. It’s a trap. You really don’t agree with her. You have a long life ahead of you, a long life where you can be with Lucie, where she can be happy with you. A long life of fighting beside your parabatai, of seeing him smile because of you. A long life with the Merry Thieves, and one with your beloved family– even with your brother Charles. Your life is worth it.
But Grace’s voice was so much more powerful. She was slowly easing her way into the depths of his mind, levering on all his weaknesses. Matthew wished he were strong enough to fight her, but he was so tired, and deep down he felt himself agree with her. He had already thought of ‘just disappearing’, in the past, when everything was dark and the sense of guilt was constantly crushing him. And now, something was telling him that there wasn't anything left for him in this life: somehow, everyone had found their rightful place– everyone but him. He would always be an outsider, more of a burden rather than anything else. The last couple months had only been an illusion. Perhaps now, by dying, he could leave one last good thing to the people he loved. He could make them happy, one last time.
After what had seemed like an endless silence, Matthew finally spoke. «I will do it. For Luce. For everybody».
Grace run her skeletal fingers through his hair. “I still have it in me”, she thought, smiling faintly. «Very well, Fairchild. You made the right choice. It’s for the best».
Matthew’s expression was completely blank. «When are we doing it?» he asked, his voice flat like the one of an automaton.
«At midnight. Hyde Park, Serpentine Lake. Don’t be late. And don’t tell anyone where you’re going».
«Deal. See you at midnight».
«See you at midnight». Grace grinned, and watched as the boy walked away, paler than Jesse’s ghost, almost staggering. There were some red marks around his left wrist, just where his parabatai rune was, like the ones a tight bracelet would leave.
Her brother’s voice startled her. «What have you done?» Jesse said, extremely worried by what he had just witnessed.
«I did what it was needed to be done» she simply answered.
«Don’t be afraid, my child» Tatiana stepped in. «After tonight, we will finally be together again».
Jesse glared at them. «Not if I can stop you». He vanished, determined to go to Lucie to warn her, but Tatiana and Grace were already on their way to Hyde Park, setting everything up for the ritual. Jesse found himself unable to reach Lucie. He didn’t know what to do. If ghosts could cry, he was definitely doing it by then.
· · ·
Hyde Park, a quarter to midnight
Matthew had spent the afternoon at his old home, helping his father in the laboratory and chatting with his beloved mother. He went to his old room, running through the memories of his childhood. He even was nice to his brother, who repeatedly asked him if he was sure he wasn’t drunk again. Matthew answered that he couldn’t have been more sober, and that was true. When he left his family after dinner, he wished them a good night and silently bid them goodbye. He went back to his apartment and got changed, he only wore a white shirt and a pair of black trousers. He put his coat on and slipped away into the darkness of that starless night, with only a full moon silently watching over him as he made his way to Hyde Park, where Grace Blackthorn was waiting for him.
He found her there, dressed in moonlight silver, standing by the lakeshore, alone. Her mother had probably just left. She didn’t want to interfere with the already unstable balance of that tricky ritual. Or maybe she was just being a coward, as usual. Matthew could read the tension on Grace’s face– she was hoping that everything would go according to plan. She also seemed to be looking at an undefined spot in the air; Matthew figured out Jesse’s ghost was there with them. He saw his body lying in the coffin, a few feet away from where Grace was standing. He was as still as the waters of the lake, and so pale, yet so lively at the same time. It looked as if he was just sleeping.
Jesse’s ghost was indeed there, dreading every minute of it. He was tied to that place by invisible chains, unable to be a hero one more last time and save the people he cared about, and all that on account of his own mother and sister. He wished there was no way to bring him back, he wished he could just rest for good and leave the living alone. But it wasn’t his choice anymore. Even that had been taken away from him.
Grace had drawn circles on the grass, and demonic runes in between with the aid of Tatiana; she then had placed the ingredients all around them and the catalyst in the centre. The energy source was indeed of good quality because, as soon as she started reciting the scripted words, the circles lit up and the ingredients started mixing up and moving frantically.
Matthew was bewitched by that sight. He perceived an unexplainable burden on his chest, but his feelings were extremely numb at the same time. It was like when he drowned himself in alcohol, only this time he hadn’t had a single drop of it. He watched Grace’s lips moving and reciting words in latin and another demonic language he hadn’t studied yet. And in that moment he realised that he would have never had the chance to study it, since these were his very last moments on the earth. He was scared, and though his expression was blank, he felt a distant voice screaming inside of him.
His gaze moved to Grace’s belt, and he noticed a dagger hanging from it, the golden hilt coming out from a black leather sheath.
· · ·
Lucie and James were sitting opposite to each other on the table, piles of books surrounding them, tea still warm in their cups, and heads down on the pages. Lucie had also her fingers soiled with black ink from scribbling random scenes and plot ideas on her notepad.
James looked up to his sister and he noticed she was as pale as a ghost, and her hand was grasping the fabric of her dress over her chest, staining it with the ink. She was wheezing and shivering.
«Lucie, what’s going on? Are you alright?». He leaped on his feet and went to her.
«I... I can’t explain it... I’ve got this feeling in my chest. As if... don’t be mad at me, but– I think something’s up with Jesse. He’s trapped somewhere and he’s trying to tell me, but he can’t reach me».
«Lucie, hadn’t we discussed about this enough already? You are with Matthew now, Jesse no longer belongs to your concerns. Are you, by any chance, having second thoughts about your choices?».
«No, not at all! You don’t understand– it’s not about us! We have already discussed about that weeks ago. This is not a matter of the heart. It’s like... like he wants to warn me about something». Lucie hadn’t even finished the phrase when James gasped. «What is it, James?» Lucie asked, worried.
James brought a hand behind his shoulder, over his parabatai rune.
«It’s – it’s Matthew. I can’t – I can’t feel him anymore».
Lucie’s heart jumped in her chest, panic spreading inside of her. «What do you mean, you don’t feel him?».
James was shaking like a leaf. «I don’t know how to explain it, I know his whereabouts and what his strongest feelings are almost all the time, but now it’s just like... it feels like he isn’t anywhere. Something is wrong with him. We must locate him before I completely lose him».
· · ·
«It’s almost time, Matthew». Grace turned to look at him, papers still in her hands, fire in her eyes. She looked at Jesse, who was silently standing a few feet away, guilt and powerlessness devouring him. «I cannot wait to hold you again, brother» she said. Her smile had the usual sinister ring to it. Jesse kept his head down and didn’t dare to look back at her.
Grace pulled the dagger out, the moonlight’s reflection on its blade.
Matthew was just standing there, staring into space. Grace was happy to see that her spell was still strong. It’d better stay that way until the very end.
«Come closer. Step into the circle» the girl ordered.
Just like an automaton, Matthew did as she said. He walked towards her, the chilly wind gently caressing his blond curls and making him shiver weakly. He took long, deep breaths, and tried to focus on the love who still kept his heart beating.
He thought about James. About how much he had lied to him and burdened him with his shadow and almost ruined his happiness with Cordelia. He also thought about how much he loved James and how much he would have wanted to be held in his arms one last time.
He thought about Lucie. He was doing this for her, the girl he had loved for all these years. He would make her happy, his parting being his way to make up for everything that he couldn’t give to her. He would make up for not being worthy of standing by her side.
Grace’s voice sounded so distant as she kept reciting the spell, while his mind was only thinking about his loved ones, about the favour he was doing them by going away and bringing a better person back in his place. His soul could finally rest. He wouldn’t have needed to put up with all that pain anymore. Soon, all he would have been was dust and shadows.
But still, very deep inside him, another voice was screaming and trying to reach out to him: it was begging him to run away, to stay alive and protect the people he cared about, to fight for and with them, and most importantly to be happy, as he had always deserved to be.
Suddenly, he became conscious again, as if his love and most inner strength had someway fought the spell which was controlling him, and he was ready to stand up to the girl in front of him and run away from all that madness. But he was just about to make the first move when a cold and stinging feeling struck his chest, right below where his beating heart lay.
· · ·
James was running so fast that he felt like his lungs were on fire.
Lucie was keeping pace right behind him. Luckily she had managed to put the gear on before going out – it would have been quite a challenge to run like that in her skirts and heels. She was also wearing Matthew’s green coat. She had kept it since the first time he had lent it to her, after when she had talked to Emmanuel Gast’s spirit.
After struggling for a bunch of exasperatingly long minutes, they had succeeded in locating Matthew. They had just arrived at the entrance of Hyde Park when James collapsed on the sidewalk with a groan. Lucie immediately bent over him. «James! Jamie, what is it?» she held him in her arms as he clung to her, crying.
James kept rubbing his hand over the black fabric over his shoulder.
«It... it b-burns...» he whined. Lucie undid the first button of the gear and lowered the edge to uncover his skin. What she saw horrified her. Her brother’s parabatai rune was bleeding and starting to fade away.
«James... y-your rune... Matthew... w-what...» she could barely speak, as realisation hit her, and tears started pouring from her eyes at the thought of something bad happening to her Matthew.
«It’s a-already too late» James stuttered, shaking uncontrollably.
Lucie leaped on her feet, driven by a burst of rage and hope. «No. Get up James, let’s go to him. There must be something that we can still do».
«You go first. I’m feeling so weak, I would slow you down. Run, fast. I’ll be right behind you». Lucie kissed his brother’s hand before turning around and running across the trees and towards the lights.
· · ·
Grace took the bloodied blade out of Matthew’s body with a satisfied sneer and loosened her grip on the boy, who fell on the ground, shocked and with a hand on his chest, where the blood was gushing out from the deep wound.
That was when Lucie arrived, and she screamed desperately as she saw Grace, with her bloodstained hands and clothes, throwing the dagger in the circles. A burst of light came from it and poured towards Jesse’s ghost. He looked lost and ashamed.
«Matthew!» she screamed as she run towards him, who was lying down and groaning, a grimace of pain all over his face.
She knelt down and helped him rest his head on her lap, then she quickly drew out her steele and started drawing iratzes all over him. It was all in vain.
«It’s too late, Lucie» Grace sneered. «Oh– look, it’s working!» she said, excited as she turned to watch Jesse’s body lighting up and moving slightly.
Lucie didn’t even pay attention to her and kept trying to heal Matthew.
«Stop it, Luce... it won’t work. The ritual is done» said Matthew, feebly.
Lucie sobbed. «W-what does all this mean, Math? Why would you ever do this to yourself! Are you out of your mind?». She sounded all but angry. Her voice was full of pain and regret, because deep down she knew that if she had never accepted to help Grace in the first place, they wouldn’t even be here now.
«I thought I was doing this for you... because you could never be happy with me as much as you could have ever been with Jesse».
Lucie felt even more terrible. «Matthew... how could you ever think such things? I thought I was clear enough when I told you I wanted to be with you. It’s true, I wanted to help Jesse... I even felt something for him, but that was all in the past. My heart is completely yours now. I have committed myself to you. I think the events from the last two months prove it pretty well».
Matthew’s eyes were glimmering, dark green and wet with tears. «She was controlling me... I know now. I wasn’t myself. My Lucie...» he ran a hand through her hair and then moved it to her cheek. «You are so beautiful...». Lucie sobbed harder against his hand, holding him closer to her. «Don’t leave me, please, Math...».
«I would have become a better man for you. I was trying, because I love you». He said, his voice becoming weaker and weaker.
«You were already the best, Math!» Lucie yelled at him. «I was the fool one, too distracted by her own stories and desires to be a hero to notice. All I had to do was to look at who was standing by my side, all the time since the beginning». Lucie couldn’t stop crying.
«It was you. It’s always been you. There were times when I tried to entertain myself with the most improbable lovers, and a time when I even thought that my heart belonged to Cordelia. I was wrong. It has always belonged to the enchanting and powerful Lucie Herondale».
Lucie’s heart was shattering into thousands of pieces. «I’m s-so... sorry. I love you so much, and this is all my fault».
«Don’t be sorry. You will be the last thing that I see, it’s all I could ever have wished for. By the way, I can still haunt you as a ghost, you know. But please, enough with the resurrecting spells, all right?» he giggled, and Lucie gave him the hint of a smile. Then he started to cough, and everything became real and painful again.
At that time, James finally reached them. Petrified, he watched as his sister screamed and held his dying parabatai in her arms. They had been bound to each other since they were just kids, and now the rune that Matthew himself had put on James stung on the back of his shoulder as it slowly faded away. That burning ache suddenly shook him, and he rushed to their side. He grabbed Matthew’s hand and brought it to his lips, holding it tight as he struggled to hold back the tears. Blood still came out from the wound on Matthew’s chest, and James felt his pain as if it were his own.
«Mathew» he whispered in his welsh accent, as tears fell down silently along his cheeks. «W-what is all this? What were you even thinking, by the Angel!». He took out his steele and tried to draw an iratze over Matthew’s heart and to give him all the strength he could through the parabatai bond. But by now it was too weak, and Matthew’s skin rejected all the marks James would desperately try to apply.
«All I needed was to be scolded by my beloved parabatai one last time» Matthew smiled with his eyes half-closed.
James run his fingers through his sweaty hair and begun to stroke it. He tried to be as gentle as possible, in order to make Matthew feel at least a glimpse of relief, but he was fuming inside, the darkness building up inside him along with his fury. If only he had been a better friend, a better parabatai, a better brother, he would have noticed so many things when there was still time to do something about them. He felt like the mess that was standing in front of him was all his fault. He couldn’t even take it all on Lucie, despite knowing that she had started all that risky business when she had offered Grace her help. But hadn’t he been under that girl’s influence in the first place? And way before his sister. He knew how it worked and how everything felt right and normal until the spell wasn’t broken for good.
«Math, don’t be stupid. Please, please stay with me. Don’t leave me» James’s voice broke at the end of the sentence. He kept holding his hand tight, kissing it repeatedly and begging him to stay. But Matthew was already leaving their world.
«I-I’m c-cold...» Matthew whispered. James came closer to him, while Lucie moved her arms away for a bunch of seconds to unbutton her coat– his coat. She took it off and James helped her lift Matthew and putting it on his shoulders, just the way he used to do with her. She did the first two buttons and then brought her arms back around him.
· · ·
A few moments later, Cordelia got there as well. She had thanked the Angel Lucie still had her tracking rune activated when she had started worrying after not seeing both her and James for the whole evening. They weren’t supposed to be on patrol that night, so their absence had seemed odd to her.
When she arrived, she noticed Grace holding her brother’s hand, his body lying in a glass coffin, moving slightly. There was light around him.
Then her gaze moved to James and Lucie, both kneeling on the ground and crying, and she immediately reached them.
There, in Lucie’s shaking arms, lay Matthew, motionless, the last bits of life slipping away from his body, the green of his eyes now turned into a dark shade of grey.
«What... what happened?» she asked, but she received no answer. Just more crying.
She didn’t insist and she sat down beside James as she felt her chest hurt and her eyes fill with tears as well. That was her friend Matthew, one of her closest friends who had helped her so much during her first year in London, and whom she had helped in turn when he had told her about his past and everything that he was going through. She had seen him getting better, happier, and finally finding love with Lucie, only to see him like that now, dying in front of them. She felt so powerless.
«I-I didn’t want... I made a mistake...». Matthew struggled to talk and breathe now. «S-she put a spell on me... she made me believe... then I understood... I tried to... b-but it was too slow».
«Shh, say no more, my love» Lucie said, kissing his forehead.
«We know. We know everything now. We wish we had found out in time» James muttered. Cordelia put an arm around him. He was cold and tense.
«James» Matthew smiled feebly, now pale as snow. «Tell your children about the great deeds of their uncle Matthew and that if they’re lucky, they’ll meet him as a ghost. The most handsome ghost they have ever seen, of course. And Cordelia– take care of yourself and of these two bloody Herondales, will you do that for me?». They all sniffed and laughed and cried again. «Of course I will, Matthew».
«Lucie». She looked him in the eyes. «Please, don’t spend the rest of your life regretting your choices. You have made me so happy in such little time, I want you to have a lifetime of that same happiness».
«I can’t– I can’t lose you. I can’t be happy knowing what I did to you».
«Promise me» he begged, and then coughed again.
«I... I promise, Matthew. I just wish we all could have been happy together for much longer than this» Lucie said, her voice hoarse from all the screaming and crying.
«Some things are more precious because they don't last long» he smiled, and then closed his eyes for the last time.